CONTEST #9: Roses Are Brown: Poetic Poop Appreciation

CONTEST #9: Roses Are Brown: Poetic Poop Appreciation

Posted 06.04.2002 by Dave (11451)

It's been a while since there's been a contest. The reason: exploding popularity. Everyone loves poop, and everyone is sending me poop stories, and I haven't had time to put together a new contest until now.

**FIRST PRIZE**
The winner of this contest will receive their very own roll of ShitBeGone!.

So, in honor of that which is so loved and so popular, the challenge of this contest is to write an ode to poop, in the "Roses Are Red" style. The winner will be the funniest and/or most moving poem.

Poo causes pleasure, and poo causes pain. Your poems can reflect either aspects of this dichotomy -- because both are essential to the pooping experience we love so much.

Pleasure, pain, toilet paper, buttsinks, rectal probes, you name it -- anything that glorifies the poop experience, for better or for worse.

The rules are simple. Four lines per verse, beginning with something in the style of "Roses Are Red." Poopie is Brown, for instance... TP Is Coarse... you get the idea.

This contest is closed. Click here to see the winner!

Poetic Poop Appreciation:

Example:
When poopie is red,
Butt probes are cold,
The cancer test comes negative,
But that doctor sure is bold!
-- Posted 6.5.02002 by Thunder From Down Under.
Example:
Toilets are white
Poopie is brown
And I spread my poopie
All over the town.
-- Posted 6.5.02002 by Assblaster2000.
My urine is red
My doody is black
A nutritious diet
Is something I lack
-- Posted 6.5.02002 by Klaus Kinski.
Some kaka is hard
Some kaka is loose
But there's sure nothing like
The poop from a moose.
-- Posted 6.5.02002 by Klaus Kinski.
My poopie, it smells!
My poopie, it stinks!
My poopie won't fit
Down the drain of my sink!
-- Posted 6.5.02002 by Klaus Kinski.

--- ADDED 6.6 ---
My farts are loud
My head is smokin'
I've got to shit
I ain't jokin'
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by Doniker.
Shameful I am
Shameful I'll stay
I'm holding my loaf
Till the end of the day
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by Doniker.
Some poop is large
Some poop is small
My poop can be found
On the floor of a mall
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by Klaus Kinski.
My poops are so hard,
My poops are so long.
Pushing them out has
Made my ass really strong!
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by Assblaster2000.
Poopie is brown,
i must confess,
i like when my poopie
comes from under my dress!!!
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by susi.
My doodie is firm
My doodie is hip
Just spun a 4 footer
With a soft serve tip.
-- Posted 6.6.02002 by Culebra.

--- ADDED 6.7 ---
Boozin' is fun
but sometimes it hurts
time to run to the toilet
here come the squirts.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Doniker.
Poop is stinky
poop is rank
hide some poop
thats a fun prank
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Doniker.
Poop can be lovely
poop can be fun
she served me her poop
on a hotdog bun
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Doniker.
Poop on the toilet seat
poop on the floor
who made this mess
I can't poop here no more
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Doniker.
My favorite food is spicy
For hot chili I'm yearnin'
But boy do I pay for it
Aww!!! My bunghole is burnin'.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
Blood on white tp is bad shit news
That hard butt-rubbin' sure gets me hypin'
More 'n more dudes are sharin' my views,
Soft, healthy butt, yeah! I'm wet-wipin'!
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
When poop-shade is green
And farts smell exotic
"This has to be seen -
I'm toxic-biotic!"
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
The shit-bowl is full
My bunghole delighted
I tear off two sheets
Crack and tp united
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
Poop is smelly
Poop is brown
But no poop for a day
And I gotta frown.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
Pooping is my hobby
(Yeah, from time to time I fart)
Some guys' shit is hard and knobby
For me - softpooping, it's an art
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
Poop is like wine
Poop's like a rose
This is a good one
I'm told by my nose.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
My bunghole is just for shittin'
"Access refused" for your thick pole
Now, mind out big guy! Don't be gittin'
Your cock 'n balls near my pink hole!
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
Pooping is great
Shitting is fun
Dumping's the best
thing under the sun
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
My dumps are so nasty
They can straighten curled hair
My toilet's defiled
Go in if you dare...
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
My poop is not always
As firm as I'd like
I found out the hard way
While riding a bike
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
Some poop is squishy,
Some poop is harder!
Sometimes my poopie,
Is nothing but water!
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Clustersnarf.
My poop is Godzilla
My poop is King Kong
My poop makes a Python
Look one inch long
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Mastercrapper.
The train is wide
the tunnel is raw
oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, Ahhhhhhh.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by poky little poopy.
This poop is so stinky
And it's turning to mush
For I pinched it three days ago
And I forgot to flush.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Assblaster2000.
Roses are red,
And so is my ass.
My toilet is bloody,
Because I ate glass.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Colon Bowell.
Some toilets are clean,
Some carry disease.
I shit standing up,
'Cause I have no knees.
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Colon Bowell.
My shit is quite nasty
Long pipes I can lay
If my ass could talk
Just what would it say?
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
This shit is so painful
My asshole is beaten
I look to the bowl
To see what I've eaten
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
My TP is 1-ply
My fingers poked through
I see they are brown now
It's time to buy 2-
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
This poop is so vile
My asshole is scowling
The stench is inhuman
It's got my dog howling
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Che Guanovara.
Poopie is brown
Poopie is smelly
The two go together
Like young girls with R. Kelly
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by Three Ply.
Constipation is my plight
and Bran is my cure
what's that welling up in my colon?
a dump oh fo sure
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by sergeant sweat pants.
My poop is like al Qaeda
full of nuts and smell
I hope they both get flushed
straight down to hell
-- Posted 6.7.02002 by ineedtp.

--- ADDED 6.10 ---
Pirates are bad
and the Al Qaeda is, too
but everyone smiles
when there taking a poo.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Sergeant Sweat Pants.
My poopie is big,
as big as a hog.
I sit here in panic:
How'm I gonna flush this log?
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Shei.
Poo poo is messy
-- oh dingleball trail.
Wrapping my anus
-- a fur-laden rail.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
My farts are quite festive
I blow them all day.
From my dung spattered anus
Aerating and gay.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
Track-marks are shameful
Stank poop lines are yum!
A ripe gift awaits he
Who won't wipe his bum.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
A fecal regalia is all that we need
To bring pungent flowers and spangle the breeze.
Our lives would be hollow, quite worthless indeed
If we couldn't pinch loaves and break wind with great ease.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
My turd scented zephyrs are fugitive bound
To float through the air and saturate ground.
To tickle my anus and dung ridden mound.
Oh flatulant lover, take heed of my sound!
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
The porcelain restive is cold with remorse,
For shrinking my anus -- a frigid divorce.
Now doleful and lonely the porcelain sits,
No logs to splash water -- no farts to bring bliss.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
My doughnut of flesh is puckered around
The wafting arena of guff and of brown.
I'm straining my hardest to keep it on course,
The river dung it doth writhe with the force.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
Poop is watery
poop is thick
I fucked her asshole
now there's shit on my dick
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Doniker.
My bowels are achin'
My anus forlorn
I look to see why:
My poop contains corn.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Latrina.
Dumps are a blessing
But sometimes a curse
Rock solid or runny?
Don't know which is worse.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Che Guanovara.
My shit is emerging
I'm about to give birth
No mortal can handle
A turd of this girth.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Che Guanovara.
My shit's in the toilet
So I take me a peak
Whoa! Where'd that come from?
Ain't had corn since last week.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Che Guanovara.
"Such stinky farts are from your dog!"
My houseguest constantly rants
But, in fact, I know it's his log
Sliding up and down his pants.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Thunder From Down Under.
My turd is brown,
and shaped like a nugget,
I dump on Mr. Toilet,
and watch him chug it.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Zeek.
Poopie, it is said,
Is just useless goo.
Well, I sure agree --
I don't play with my poo.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by softpooper.
Fun is shitting.
Chick or man --
All love sitting
on the can.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by softpooper.
It's often a wonder
Sometimes a surprise
What comes out down under
And in the bowl lies.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by softpooper.
Buttcheeks are clenched
I have a weird stance
Can't do with that poo-stench
Or dump in my pants.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by softpooper.
My home is on the clean white pot
I like to fart and poo and smell
That fecal fun is what I got
It's in the bathroom I dwell.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by softpooper.
This poop was Satanic
My toilet's displeased
I won't call a plumber --
better call a priest.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Mastercrapper.
My boxers are brown
Despite my restraint --
I wiped to the front
And dirtied my taint.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Mastercrapper.
Poop is for everyone
'Cause everyone MUST
But if I don't find a crapper
My asshole will bust!
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Mastercrapper.
The Skidmarks are brown
Where I just went bowl-in'
My girlfriend might leave me
Because of my colon.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Mastercrapper.
My poophole is pokin'
and it's pointed south
to spray asshole judgment
in my momma's mouth.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Brian.
Beef is out to get us,
Making sphincters ripped and torn.
So combat him with Lettuce
And his helper friend, Miss Corn.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Hairy Pooter.
My feces is stinky
and that shit's for real
and when it comes out
it looks like a peanut-eyed eel.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Bloody Sphincter Drool.
My shit is so quick
Like a big brown gazelle
It jumps out my ass
Leaving behind only smell.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Assblaster2000.
The stall is quiet
But there is no TP in here
I'll use my hand
Because I have no fear.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Skiddy Poo.
My poops are perfect
always solid, stinky logs
When I eat corn
I make little brown cobs.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Skiddy Poo.
Pee Pee is yellow
Poo Poo is brown
A wet roll of TP
Makes me want to frown.
-- Posted 6.10.02002 by Skiddy Poo.
Some farts are loud,
Some farts are silent.
Give me some chili
And my farts get violent.
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Klaus Kinski.
Elevater pooping is
my favorite hobby.
I get out on fourth floor
and send it down to the lobby.
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by poomamma.
When shitting is messy
And your ass, it does stink
I oft wonder why the U.S.
Won't embrace the Buttsink.
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Che Guanovara.
When my ass is exploding
Inflamed and in pain,
I wish I had a ticket
To ride the Buttsink train
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Che Guanovara.
My shit it it burning,
My asshole is yearning,
For a cold glass of water,
Or a straight shot of bourbon.
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Jeremy S.
My poop is filled with colors,
Yellows, greens, and browns,
Every time i hang a root,
I lose 15 pounds.
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Stank Nugget.
My browneye is huge
but often gets swollen
I pray everyday
to poop out Gary Coleman
-- Posted 6.12.02002 by Stank Nugget.

--- ADDED 6.13 ---
My girlfriend is kinky,
So I'll never leave her,
But she left me,
When I dropped a Cleaveland Steamer.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Dung is good for cooking,
All sorts of tasty treats.
But everyone complained
When they had my coco wheats.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Poop can be funny,
poop can be sad,
poop can be runny,
poop can smell bad
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Rectal Breech.
My logs are terrific
And as big as a horse
To whom should I brag?
PoopReport.com, of course!
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Latrina.
Be it shits from the masses,
Or shits from the kaiser,
Shit is the greatest
Social equalizer.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Latrina.
Your anus is calm,
Collected and cool.
Until that last moment
Before passing a stool.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Latrina.
My asshole is dainty
And scented like flowers
Until that great moment
When the smell overpowers.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Latrina.
Life is like
Taco Bell.
You enjoy it to its fullest,
But in the end you wind up in a toilet hell.
-- Posted 6.13.02002 by Snapper.

--- ADDED 6.14 ---
Hot peppers and onions
Are what I was fryin'
Not my poor bunghole
Just won't stop cryin'.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Doniker.
Pooping is tactical,
for retaliation of course.
His dog pooped on my lawn,
so I pooped on his porch.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Stank Nuggets.
My butt is for pooping
The toilet, for the load,
When I have the runs
I find poopy on my choad.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by BloodGultch.
When I pee I poop,
When I poop I pee,
My poops are greener
than Chinese Tea.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Turd Man.
My poops are whole
when I eat corn and rices.
My poops are runny
when I eat herbs and spices.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Turd Man.
My craps are frequent,
Their splatters are brown.
With a spastic colon,
I know all the toilets in town.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I'm straining aplenty,
Giving it all I'm worth.
Looks like to a huge log,
I'll have to give birth.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I thought I was alone,
In laughing about poop.
I'm much happier now,
I've discovered this group!
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
My innards are hot,
They're aching and grinding.
If you're next in the bathroom,
A huge mess you'll be finding.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
A good crap is wonderful,
It can even make your day.
It's the only butt activity,
That doesn't make you gay.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
The seat was disgusting,
I couldn't sit down.
I hovered with poor aim,
Now it's even more brown.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I love to write,
I have a way with words.
It all comes so easy,
When the subject is turds.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I bought a case of Snickers,
They have lots of nuts.
We'll see them again,
Coming out of our butts.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
You were first in the bathroom,
I've taken offense.
Use the fan next time,
You left the air dense.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
The monkeys are funny,
They live at the zoo.
I especially like it,
When they throw their poo.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I'm sick, I know it,
About poop I just can't stop.
At my New Year's party,
It ain't a ball that's gonna drop.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
These new low-flush toilets,
I want to attack.
I flush every poopie,
They keep coming back.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
My cat ate some tinsel,
It was long and was shiny.
It made another appearance,
Dangling out of her hiney.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Flowers grow better,
When you mix dirt with poo.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
I sit and I think,
It's suddenly so clear,
The key to a man's heart,
Is tolerating his rear.
-- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.

--- ADDED 6.17 ---
Pooping is easy,
Pooping is funny.
My ideal job,
Is pooping for money.
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
My face is red,
My popping veins are blue.
This happens each time,
I have impacted poo.
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
My rumphole is hairy
squishy poop is a drag
it's much like removing
p'nut butter from shag.
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by poky little poopy.
Pooping is no fun
I hate it, I'm no liar,
My turds are harder then diamonds
I have to pull them out with pliers
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by BloodGultch.
Crying is for pussies --
Until I take a crap you see,
Because I get choked up and wonder
How something so beautiful came out of me.
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by BloodGultch.
My poop is alive and well
When I hear them hit,
I can sometimes hear them screaming
Get up man it smells like shit!
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by BloodGultch.
Revenge is on my neighbor
There is only one thing to do
Sneak to his mailbox
And stuff it with poo.
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by Thunder From Down Under.
skidmarks are a tell-tale sign:
you didnt wipe your behind.
I suggest you take more time,
or else you're not my valentine!
-- Posted 6.17.02002 by Beth.

--- ADDED 6.18 ---
Pooping is relaxing,
Pooping brings relief.
Though those skidmarks aren't so great
On your panties or your briefs.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by Thunder From Down Under.
When poopie is green,
It is the very best.
A diet filled with broccoli
Is with what I've been blessed.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by Thunder From Down Under.
My farts are rancid
My shit is, too
So when I fart in your face
Be glad it's not poo
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by Doniker.
Golf ball-sized doodies are floating around.
The bowl of my toilet -- a solar resound!
A moon 'round Uranus is flying off course.
A space-age collision: I'm feeling "The Force."
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by Tony.
Pooping is tricky,
Because my ass is so hairy.
When I dont wipe well,
I get a dingleberry.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by Turd Man.
Poop makes me laugh
but sometimes I cry
When the worst of turds
tear up my brown eye.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by jordantheburg.
When I shit my pants --
is this a blunder?
an act of poopy pants
or an act of wonder?
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by jordantheburg.
I strain all I can
Blood rushes to my head
My poopy appears angry
....too much garlic bread.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by blakepinnathatsright.
Every time I poop
I wanna scream and shout
then I say, "oh well,"
and stuff it in my mouth.
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by blakepinnathatsright.
My a-hole screams in pain
and my turd replies with anger,
"You put your undies on...
so i left a dirty hanger."
-- Posted 6.18.02002 by blakepinnathatsright.

--- ADDED 6.19 ---
Cassidie is my girlfriend,
When she poops, it stinks.
As Jar Jar Binks would say,
She's a keeper, me thinks...
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Rectal Breech.
The sun is yellow,
And so is my urine.
The splash from my poo,
Causes a current.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Rectal Breech.
Skidmarks are cool,
Except when someone sees it.
"That's how I bought them!"
But no one believes it.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
My turds are enormous,
What did I digest?
But it's not my problem,
Because it's on your chest.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
To take a poop is a gift,
A wonder from down under,
Everytime I take a shit,
I have to use a plunger.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
My fecal is equal,
To that of a whale.
They look through the peep hole,
Until they inhale.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Doppings are good,
Every bite I savor.
I think that 'dung'
Should be the new Skittles flavor.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
My turds are grand,
They're garaunteed to move ya.
If you're in band,
I'll poop in your tuba.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Pooping is fun,
For it is my fate,
I like to poop,
When I masterbate.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Sea World is a rip-off,
I hate to spoil it.
But why pay money?
When Shamu's in my toilet.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Poop can be deep
poop cab be goo.
I drop so many bombs
People call me B-52.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
These poems are the truth,
Honest, and whole-hearted.
Who's startin' a dirt bike?
Oh nevermind I just farted.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.
Poop is so tasty,
I could eat a ton,
Because I'm a shitmonger --
A very hungry one!
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
The squirts are loose,
Opposite of constipation.
Either way its poop:
My poetic inspiration.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
Poop is so yummy,
Sometimes I crap on a fancy dish,
Then I top it with parsley and lemon,
And serve it like fish.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
God is angry,
He's angry with me.
Poop comes rushing out,
When I only have time to pee.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
This poop is like a daydream,
Just floating around,
A sunny sweet smelling daydream,
Except it stinks and it's brown.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
Pooping is a painful
Regurgitation of your diet,
But you say your shit dont stink,
So you must not have tried it.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
George Bush is a pooper,
So is the Taliban,
Let's join forces,
And shit on Iran.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
Buttcheeks are blushing
Anus proud but bashful
Look what I'm flushing!
It's a giant assful.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by softpooper.
Pooping is the day's reward,
Never just a job to do.
Spent the day all working hard?
Now relax, enjoy a poo.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by softpooper.
Paper is the pooper's saver
Use it! -- This is my advice
Wiping, tho' a tricky labor
Skip it and you'll pay the price
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by softpooper.
This fun is a word with four letters.
You can squat down or sit, even stoop.
There are few things Reporters love better,
Than getting their hole to make poop!
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by softpooper.
My mouth is the keyboard,
My butt is the printer.
I'll be printing with red ink
If I input a splinter.
-- Posted 6.19.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.

This contest is closed. Click here to see the winner!

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Trashcanman (240) -- 06.04.2002

this is sure to be a hit

Thunder From Do... (37) -- 06.04.2002

Mine was posted first! Mine was posted first! Na na na na na na! Okay, no offense to anyone else, since I just get excited over small things...:)

Jeff B (159) -- 06.04.2002

Yeah, but you're just an example. I'm the first non-example submission. Na na na na na naaaa. Sorry, I get excited about this stuff too. Let us both revel in our Firstness.

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.04.2002

Oh yeah, I was the first to comment, na na na na na na na na!

AssBlaster2000 (1117) -- 06.04.2002

Yeah well, poo-poo on all of you. Mine is #2 and that's the best thing to be on a poop site!

Che Guanovara (41) -- 06.04.2002

ok...i'm the first NOT to gloat about anything. but by gloating about NOT gloating, i guess i'm just like the rest of you. geez, i hope i win the contest!

katdawg (not verified) -- 06.05.2002

"mmmmmm, soft serve tip" - Homer Simpson

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.05.2002

So I see shitbegone is the prize now. I might as well tell you where I first found shitbegone. It was a featured site on ampland.com, and I actully never really paid any attention to it, until one day I put 2and2 together, and posted a link to it in the forums. So thank Amp for this one.

Dave (11451) -- 06.06.2002

To quote Han Solo: "Don't get cocky."

Trevor (22) -- 06.06.2002

oh my have we gone to far??

Mya Butschtinks (not verified) -- 06.06.2002

Soft Serve Tip . . . ..hahahahahaha. Oh Man thats great

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.06.2002

okokok, sorry davey boy.

to quote my buttox. "Thfghgggghhhht!"

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.06.2002

Damn, I leave this place for 10 minutes to drive up to west palm to buy fireworks, and when I get back, shitloads of poems! Good stuff. I can see when I put in my vote it will be a tough choice. Again, good stuff.

Snapper (155) -- 06.06.2002

TCM- props to you, from you... Good plug. *Applaude*

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.06.2002

yo, snapper, you an ampland fan too?

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.07.2002

Colon Bowel, hey man! It's been a while since you have been around buddy. So when are you coming back to the forums? We have a few other users I haven't seen for a while, Mastercrapper, Clustersnarf, Three Ply, and Klaus Kinski.

Skiddy Poo (76) -- 06.09.2002

These are some funny poems. I think I like just about all of them and think they would make a nice bathroom read.

I know this sounds silly, but man ... I want that shit begone. I'll probably have to buy mine because the competition is stiff here. Where can I buy my SBG, Dave?

Che Guanovara (41) -- 06.09.2002

if you're in the NY area:

http://shitbegone.com/locations.html

otherwise you have to order it by the case (as they call say, "96 for $69"):

http://shitbegone.com/order.html

all this and (very little) more at:

http://shitbegone.com/

Che Guanovara (41) -- 06.09.2002

...and i must say that having 96 rolls of TP at once is awesome. i interned at a paper mill in college and all the employees received a case of TP as a bonus. i didn't have to buy any for the entire school year and the cabinets below my bathroom sinks were stocked to the brim with roll upon roll of TP. talk about a cool way to impress your friends!

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.09.2002

Shit-be-gone has expanded a bit since their creation. They at one point were going to start selling it in pensilvania I believe. But for now, it's only avalible in NY. If anyone wants to pitch in and buy a case, we were discussing getting a group together and having someone (like dave) receive it, and dole it all out to everone who chipped in.

Snapper (155) -- 06.10.2002

hey what the hell. Where are mine? Did they not get through to you, dave?

Snapper (155) -- 06.10.2002

I see now. You've rejected ALL of mine. Nevermind. Have a lovely day.

Tydirium (516) -- 06.11.2002

How come we haven't seen any entries from the winner of the haiku contest?

J money (not verified) -- 06.12.2002

Stank Nugget is halarious, keep them coming man...

Stank Nugget (not verified) -- 06.12.2002

When I poop, I think about all of you...and how great this country is. That i can take a poop in peace, and that my friends, is what life is all about. Happy Shitting, and god bless you all.

BloodGultch (not verified) -- 06.12.2002

Thank you Stank Nugget for your words of wisdom. It made me feel warm inside when i read your comment, or maybe i have to poop....we shall find out in an hour or so. Peace fellow poopers, you are all my friends.

Tom Turdriffic (not verified) -- 06.13.2002

I drank all night,

And woke up all soiled.

Now everything I touched,

Has to be boiled.

doniker (1491) -- 06.13.2002

I know I can't vote, but I think Tom Turdriffic should take home the prize.

spoilsport (not verified) -- 06.14.2002

well, since half of his poems don't even begin with "____ is/are ____", they don't qualify. i counted 8 that aren't up to code. and that's being lenient.

Are they funny? yes. does tom turdrific need to modify his poems to conform to the rules announced at the beginning of this contest? hell yes.

long live strict adherence to rules,

da SpoilSport

anal rhythm (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

What ever happened to poetic rhythm? Some of these are funny, but as far as poetic verse may go, they're car crashes!

Party Pooper (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

I agree, some of these so called "poems" do not meet the regulations. I cant believe all of Tom Turd's poems got on here, theyre funny, but they dont follow the guidelines. "Is' Are" Poems are the whole idea...

Tom Turdriffic (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

Sorry, didn't mean to cause a "stink." I was reading the previous submissions and having a good laugh which inspired me to come up with some of my own. Many of the others don't meet the rules, either. I mostly tried to do ones that did, but I was having so much fun, I decided to share them all (not all were accepted). I hope some of them made you laugh. I know I had fun.

Che (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

I laughed. Yours are good.

And you still have a couple days left to post, if your creative outpouring of the 16th hasn't left you empty. I know I'm having a hard time coming up with any good ones and I didn't have as long a run as you.

Rock on.

jordanlovesdiarrhea (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

When I drop a gargantuan load of heaping turds, I choose not to wipe. Why? you ask. And that is where we differ.

ilovegaysexwithblakepinna (not verified) -- 06.16.2002

Sometimes I cry because of the great loss of my fecal matter. And then I realize my turds are what facilitate the growing of an ever lasting movement of sphincter contractions. And I ask you have you ever dropped a load that didnt result in an everlasting ecstasy I lovingly refer to as, "Taking a big fuckin shit and not flushing", YEs i am shit faced

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.17.2002

Well, as far as I'm concerned, poems need to follow a proper rythym. Every line that rymes should have the same number of sylibles. e.g.

7

7

4

4

8

5

8

5

But I'm sure Dave only put up the poems that he felt were close enough to the rules to count, so when we decide finalists, we will consider ALL poems.

JordanLovesTheCock (not verified) -- 06.17.2002

I have a friend named jordan that loves to shit on things, one time, he shit in a Happy Dragon to-go box and when he returned to the restaurant, he showed the chinese people his "over-cooked" egg roll. He got his money back of course. My friends and fecal matter go together like a hot dangler and shit tickets...We are one with the dung..bhanggg

beth (not verified) -- 06.17.2002

my dad once told me " beth nothing is as overrated as your first fuck, and nothing is as underrated as a good shit." i heart you dad.

BloodGultch (not verified) -- 06.17.2002

Why do I put myself through such pain. You see, i hold my truds in as long as possible and at the last moment, i realease the tension. I like to refer to it as, "Dropping a stink bomb on the island of porciline." However, this technique of mine frequently gets me into trouble. This one time I went to Skyline Chilly with a few fellow poop lovers of mine and ate a lethal combonation of chilly dogs and hot sauce. I soon felt the stomach working and the poops making its way to the anus, but i decided to hold off you see because i wanted to have the great rush of the 'stink bomb.' So i held my urge all the way till dinner when we went to eat taco bell. I soon could not hold on any longer so i ran to the restroom to complete my mission. However when i got in....the toilet was being used! i couldnt wait any long...so i dropped my pants and squated in the urinal. The huge rush of tension ran through my buttocks as i released the demond from my body. The person soon came out of the toilet and it was the manager of taco bell and he scorned me for pooping in the urinal. I had to clean up my mess and i am now banned from that taco bell. So sad...........

doniker (1491) -- 06.17.2002

Hey BloodGultch, the next time you go in the bathroom to shit, take a dictionary with you and study it, and learn to spell.

iloveschnauzers (not verified) -- 06.17.2002

Im outrageously offended by Donikers remarks. Doniker I would tell you to go suck on a big fat load of poop matter, but that is far too enjoyable of a past time. I will on the other rise above the ranks of all you miniscule dingleberries. My compatriot Bloodgulch has put forth a shocking and revealing expose on the dark under-belly of poop discipline. I too, will often withhold my bowels the release of heavenly turdy poops. I find an extreme pleasure in such actions. The fact of the matter is, we all are obviously lovers of the butt yummy. I guess what Im trying top excrete is that the world is far to harsh a place for reaking dump loads, like ourselves, to extradite each other. Please find some compassion and revel and wallow in the heroic stories of dedicated crinklenecks like Bloodgulch. As for you Doniker and your complete intoloerance for a fellow root hanger, I pray every dump you take comes forth in spewing froth of pseudo-poop matter. May your asshole consistently sting from the unsatisfying load liquid shit beads that fly out your anal canal.

Thunder From Do... (37) -- 06.17.2002

Just a little comment here: My poems were changed a little from what I originally submitted. Not that I'm complaining, a grammar mistake on one was fixed! :)

Che (not verified) -- 06.18.2002

Wow, schnauzers...that's the first Poop Curse i've ever read. And it was quite a doozy! At least you were polite and said "MAY your asshole...".

On the Guanovara scale of 1 to 10, I award that curse 7.5 piles of bat shit. The extra half a point was for descriptiveness.

softpooper (not verified) -- 06.18.2002

Same comment as you, TFDU

My "saver" was changed to "savior"

Sounds religious, which makes me spew,

Shit, now it only rhymes with "mania"

Dave (11451) -- 06.18.2002

Sorry, softpooper, thought I was changing a typo. Thought you meant "savior." I changed it back. Sometimes I delete/fix a word here or there to help the rhythm and/or meaning of a poem, or to clean up diction or grammer.

klaus_kinski (not verified) -- 06.18.2002

The votes have been counted.

I WIN!!

Party Pooper (not verified) -- 06.19.2002

If you win, It was rigged...

klaus_kinski (not verified) -- 06.19.2002

Rigging is for boats. Oh, and...

The votes have been counted.

I WIN!!

iloveschnauzers (not verified) -- 06.19.2002

Id just like to say congratrulations to all the fecal friends on this poop smelling site. I believe we are all winners. My love for dropping a huge load is only rivaled by my love of bragging about my last conguest on the shit troth. Im reminded of a time when my poop pride resulted in an embarrasing session of roasting the dumplings. I was in a public restroom reading a finer peace a literature, when a man sat in the stall next to me. Naturely curious, I peered under the barriers to see his shoes. Because as we all know a lot can be said by a mans shoes. So I saw a pair of brown loafers. At this time I had just dropped a brown loafer of my own. Just as I pinched a monstrous root, the man lets go a gargantuan fart followed by concusive blasts.But to my surprise no pile had been layed. So I said to the man, "Are you gonna take a fuckin shit, or are you goonna sit their and fart your pants all day." The man coughed then ripped another blast in reply. I then replied with no fart, but a frightening kur-plunk, followed by flop-plurk. I couldt help giggle. I than said, "Do you need lessons on how to hang a root you old sack of dingleberries." Again the older man spewed a fart that must have ripped his fragile a-hole into shreds. But no words. I finished wiping , it be an especially messy devious turd, living fragments of poop balls on my ahole. I walked out and waited for the old man to finish. I then confronted as he came. "Come here old man and look at five pound log I just dropped." He looked and grunted an approval. He then walked over to his stall and showed me something that changed my life. As I walked up I saw what looked like a brown babies arm sticking out of the toilet. As I walked closer I saw that the whole poopy rapped around the toilet down the whole and the end stuck out of the toilet in a triumphant pose. I was put to shame, and I will forever remember my first and only loss in the war of poopy dumps pride.

Fatter Fecal Matter (not verified) -- 06.20.2002

That story has not only influenced me to take a shit next to an old man in a public bathroom, but it has also showed me that shredding food and then distributing into the toilet can be a bonding experience for people of all ages. When i have a son, i shall share this joyful moment with him, and i encourage all to participate in this extraordinary event that is simply referred to as "Shitting".

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.20.2002

well, this has been HARD to decide. I think we have our finalists though, so stay tuned.

Lory (not verified) -- 06.22.2002

Crap is brown

and Sometimes green

Can come out red

Along with some pee

klaus_kinski (not verified) -- 06.24.2002

Thank you senator Trashcanman. When you hear more from President Dave or have any more news from the PoopReport Senate, please feel free to post it.

Trashcanman (240) -- 06.24.2002

sorry klaus, there was a runoff election, cause the field was too wide. All in all, it was a rough vote, but Dakota, Artful, and some others narrowed it down.

PooInYourEyeMakeYouCry (not verified) -- 09.05.2002

The liquid shit that runs down my cheeks,

the weight of my shit that makes the floor creak,

That light brown splatter that is rammed against the wall,

resounding around were my screams and bawls,

As it spurted with fire, burning with taste,

as I spewed out that beautiful art others call waste...

::sob:: I just wrote that out of inspiration from all those poems...just magnificent! This is just so neat...anal fixated brothers and sisters united under the same umbrella to watch the shit fall...Great Job with this site, and great job to all who contribute to it :) Keep it up, and hail poopy!

MP (not verified) -- 10.16.2002

When shit hits the fan,

my fudge factory goes to work,

oh man,

here comes the hershery squirt......

c.m (not verified) -- 02.02.2003

Poop is my love, my life,Poop does not like my stepbrothers wife.Its always true when im feeln blue,Its sure better than lettn my dog poo in my shoe.Well, now its time to go,but theres something you should know,constipation makes me mad,whats the fun, im sad,no one will care if you eat a pear,just like me i crapped in my underwear,no reason to laugh,please do not make fun ,look now see what i have done,Do You Think Its Fun With Your Paints All A Run?

Vancouver_Male_Prostitute (not verified) -- 04.28.2003

Some people come here to sit and think, or scribble on the walls;

But I come here to shit and stink, and listen as glorious turd falls;

I do it at home, I do it at work, and at the shopping malls;

I do it at my girlfriends house, as she sucks and blows my balls.

I do not know why I love poop, but my very best guess is that

I feel so good, so well, so free, right after I shit a big bat.

poop (not verified) -- 05.15.2003

Poop is stinky. bad words are bad!

69 turds (not verified) -- 05.17.2003

i rub vaseline in my butthole after eating habaneros. I hate a burning ring.

PoopDaddy (not verified) -- 05.17.2003

I throw my poop around, sometimes into the celing fan. I like a good shit shower

Fartz = Smartz (not verified) -- 06.14.2003

Throwing poop is a dangerous business indoors! Throw it at passing cars instead!

Mariah Jefferson (not verified) -- 04.14.2004

some of this shit is so dumb it made my fuckin head hurt

Frank the Turdburglar (not verified) -- 04.08.2005

Roses are red
And so is my ass
My toilet is bloody
Because I eat glass

Sammy Bamby (not verified) -- 07.22.2005

I washed my shoes,Flew through the door and fell into a bowl of poop poo,my friend was out side and i started to cry she just laughed and her mouth was wide opened so wide and a peice of poop flew right into her mouth.

plug (not verified) -- 12.08.2007

noodles in your hair , noodles in tummy. comes form your poo , that comes from your bummy

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