I'm proud to bequeath upon Master Che Guanovara the title of PoopReport Poet Laureate. As our Poet Laureate, Che has the prestigious duty and honor to sing far and wide the gospel and verse of poop. Che takes over the precious helm from Professor Lump, our first Poet Laureate, and a man continually brought tears of pride to my eyes.

Congratulations to Che and all the finalists.

Want to see all the original entries? Click here.

The Final Results: My TP is 1-ply. My fingers poked through. I see they are brown now -- It's time to buy 2-. -- Che Guanovara 38/124 My turd-scented zephyrs are fugitive bound, To float through the air and saturate ground. To tickle my anus and dung-ridden mound. Oh flatulant lover, take heed of my sound! -- Tony 36/124 Dumps are a blessing, But sometimes a curse. Rock solid or runny? Don't know which is worse. -- Che Guanovara 19/124 Sea World is a rip-off, I hate to spoil it. But why pay money? When Shamu's in my toilet. -- Stank Nugget 17/124 Pirates are bad And the Al Qaeda is, too. But everyone smiles When they're taking a poo. -- Sergeant Sweat Pants 14/124 Want to see all the original entries? Click here.

Che Guanovara's Acceptance Speech

i remember when i first came across PoopReport.com back in April, 2002. a friend of mine had just moved to Silicon Valley and sent me an e-mail with a link to this site. she described how it came up as a hit when she did a search for "bar stools" for their new house. i think she's a closet fecophile b/c when i did a search for "bar stools", i got about a million hits for places that sell bar stools. but i digress.

was this contest fixed? probably. how else do you explain me winning against such superior competition? but seriously, if the judges and voting public have ruled in my favour, who am i to argue? who are YOU to argue? let's put this contest behind us, get a new one started and get back to peace and harmony.

i leave you with my favorite poems (you can read them here), their authors and the titles i gave them listed below in no particular order. thanks to all the contestants who sent in a poem. you're all heroes in my book.

"Can't Poop Here" -- Posted 6.7.02002 by Doniker.
"United" -- Posted 6.7.02002 by softpooper.
"Ate Glass" -- Posted 6.7.02002 by Colon Bowel.
"Dung Splattered Anus" -- Posted 6.10.02002 by Tony.
"Taint" -- Posted 6.10.02002 by Mastercrapper.
"New Years" -- Posted 6.14.02002 by Tom Turdriffic.
"Daydream" -- Posted 6.19.02002 by Beth.
"Skidmarks" -- Posted 6.19.02002 by Stank Nugget.

lastly, a big thanks to Dave for being so generous with his time. this site definitely reflects his hard work and dedication. yeah, i know: no need to kiss Dave's ass. i won, right? well, i'll say it anyway. thanks, Dave.

love always,

Che Guanovara -- Poop Revolutionary

Tony's Concession Speech

There once was turd from Nantucket
Who couldn't win contests, "Oh fuck it."
He fussed and he fought
and pinched loaves all for naught
But offers congrats, but no duckets.

-- Tony

Sgt. Sweat Pants' Concession Speech

Greetings and salutations poop brothers and sisters;

You may not know me. In fact you probably don't. First off, i am probably the smartest person you have ever met. Secondly if you were to see me you would realize i am also breathtakingly beautiful. C i am extremely wealthy. and fourthly i can urinate for extreme distance. But all these gifts still could not win me the poopreport poetry contest, and it is in this, my first defeat ever, that i learned fear not your nightmares, for it is your dreams that will break your heart.

peace and chicken grease

-- sgt sweat pants

Latrina's Protest

Editor's Note: Click here to learn why Latrina was removed as a finalist.

Having examined each of the poems which are now up for final pick, I can see your rule about the "____ is/are ____" format in place. However, since is and are are both conjugated forms of the verb "to be", and I clearly use said verb in the first line of my poem, and did so for its variant artistic style. If I wanted to simplify it, and ruin the onomotopoeia of the whole verse, I could have gone with:

Poops are from the masses,
Poops are from the kaiser,
Poop is the greatest
Social equalizer.

I think you can see why the above version was not used. No pun intended, but the poop didn't "flow".

So, with that said, I withdraw from the contest entirely, not because I have anything against you or Poopreport, but because I can see that here my turd talents are wasted. Clearly, this is what you get when you try to go against the grain.

I poo-poo upon your decision.

-- Latrina