Just in case there is any confusion: PoopReport didn't REALLY sell out. That's good news, because it means you won't find blatant product plugs slipped into the middle of poop stories. Well, at least, except for the products we already blatantly plug (buy the Journal!).
But if we have to sell out to someone, I hope it's Sprite. Because I can not think of a better moral to be drawn for this site than "Obey Your Squirts." How many poop stories could have been avoided if only people followed that simple maxim? How many pants would have gone unsoiled? How many lives would not have been ruined? When your ass calls, you need to listen. Simple as that.
So thanks to everyone who entered this contest (see all 170+ entries here). And a million thanks to Envy The Movie for sponsoring this contest and providing prizes to the top five vote-getters!
ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES
James / Sprite
First off, I'd like to take this chance to thank everyone for voting for my entry "Obey Your Squirts," because without them this wouldn't be possible. Dave and everyone here at PoopReport deserve a big thanks, too, because if it wasn't for them I would never have become a Poop Reporter. I'd also like to thank all my fellow Penn Staters for voting for my entry. You know you've made it when random people yell across campus to you that they voted on PoopReport.com for you. OK OK, enough with the thank you's.
So PoopReport is selling out. Whether it be to Sprite or any of the other companies that the entries were from -- and let me say there were some awesome entries; I have no clue how mine was picked out of over 170 of them -- well, let me tell you, I would be the first person to buy a PoopReport Sprite, and I bet it would be the best damn soda on the market.
You have to be proud of poop. I know I am. Today so many people take pooping for granted. But pooping should be viewed as if it were gold, a symbol of pride and wealth. If selling out is what it takes to get poop mainstream recognition then let's all sell out. Where would we be with out poop? I know I wouldn't be the person I am today, and neither would anyone else for that matter.
I'd like to leave you all with a few words. First, I'd like to give all the fellow PoopReport sellout contestants a pat on the ass and say, "Good Game." You guys deserve it. Finally I'd like to wish everyone happy pooping in the future!
PooP On My Fellow PooPers, POOP ON!
-- James aka Sir PooPMasteR
Liquidy Poo / Cattlemen's Beef Board / Mastercard
Well, it was a hard battle, but I lost to James, who had a miraculous 80-something votes. I only got up to 40-something. Congrats, James. However, I am happy that I won some nifty prizes! This is the first contest that I've actually won a prize in, and I'm definitely glad I joined PoopReport! Thanks to everyone who voted for me!
-- Liquidy Poo
Professor Lump / 1-800-COLLECT / etc.
Dear Poopsters. I do not know who the winner is at this time, but I was notified late the other day and that yours truly, Professor Lump, was not going to be the winner. This was devestating news for me, and after drinking myself into a coma and wallowing in my sorrow, I decided to write a short congratulatory speech for the winner and losers of the contest. All in all, there were some very creative slogans. I congratulate you all for straining your minds to come up with all of your submissions. Of course, at the end of the day the best slogan wins, and I raise my glass to the winner and the losers for all your hard work. May you all keep your creative juices flowing and remember to keep tubgirl.com on your favorites list. (Editor's note: eww! Don't!)
-- Professor Lump
Poop Patroller / Partnership for a Drug Free America:
Honestly, it's just an honour to be nominated. Although my favourite personal entries (both my own and others -- "Maybe that's corn in it" [mine] and "What's in YOUR toilet" [Professor Lump]) were not even nominated, I feel we did a jolly good job in determining the winner. After I walked my child in my pram and rode the lift to our third floor flat, I pondered the colour of my own feces and thought to myself: What am I doing, I'm not British!
-- Poop Patroller
Splat / Survivor
I begin by congratulating "Sprite: Obey Your Squirts" for the winning entry. Certainly, that slogan rings true for all of us. If you refuse to obey your squirts, you will surely shit your pants.
I am proud to have been selected as one of the twelve finalists. Many people had legitimate cases for why theirs should have been selected to the final twelve. I feel somewhat vindicated by my entry of "Survivor: Outshit, Outspray, Outblast" coming in fifth place overall. I appreciate all who voted for me. I came into this just hoping to make people laugh. I consider myself a rookie in these sorts of contests, but certainly not when it comes to the subject of poo. My fifth place finish only fuels my desire to continue to think creatively about the subject we all know and love.
Last, I have to say: there were many great entries; and without a doubt, the world of bowel movements is in good hands for years to come, with so many people devoted to exploring its murky depths.
Thanks again to all my supporters.
-- Splat
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Ben Stiller and Jack Black star as Tim and Nick, best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick's harebrained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds: Vapoorizer, a spray that literally makes dog poop, or any other kind for that matter, evaporate into thin air -- to where exactly is anyone's guess.
Tim, who had scoffed at Nick's idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick's fortune -- and Tim's own envy -- grow to equally outrageous proportions. When the flames of jealousy are fanned by an oddball drifter (Walken) who imposes himself into the situation, Tim's life careens wildly out of control ... taking Nick's with it.
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