I have made my guess (at least a week). But dave, for your sake, i hope i'm wrong. Are you getting those cramps as well? ugh i hate it when your stomach turns against you

I think you should have some solid nuggets by friday or saturday. I wouldnt expect a full log of doom till at least sunday or monday.

My guess is that in 10 days, you will shit twice daily, which can be considered normal.

Dude, talk about your fucked up contests! Poor Dave. I hope he feels better soon.

Have fun in Germany.

Oh, hey, for those who might be curious -- that is NOT my ass on that graphic. Not this time, anyway. I had to search a long time for a nice, platonic-looking ass (as opposed to one bending over or abusing a coke bottle or something). Normally I wouldn't think twice about using my own as my model, but today things are a little different down there... didn't want to risk seeing something absolutely horrifying.

My guess is probably 10 days.

Dave, I won't wager a guess because gambling is just another rest stop on the road to hell (but mostly because I've never had food poisoning and have no clue). Dude, tell me you didn't really eat Spanish food in ENGLAND? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Everyone knows quite well that the British are renowned for dishes that include vegetables that have been boiled until they lack colour, and meat of dubious origins, also boiled until it is that same grey tone as the side dish. Spanish food should not be consumed in countries where salt is the only government-approved flavouring for foodstuff. Good luck, Dave. If I were going to wager any guess, I'd assume that even if you DO have a solid poop before Germany, the beer will take care of that quickly.

You'll firm up in Germany for sure - look forward to a clean, smooth loaf Monday morning. Good luck Dave.

may i suggest some immodium?

Three words, Dave: eat some oatmeal.

My friend, roughage is the LAST thing I need. You eat oatmeal when you're stuck, not when you're flowing. No, I know from past experience, in this case you follow the BRAT diet -- Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. When your stomach is hyperactive, you want to stick to simple carbs that are absorbed quickly so you can get as much nutrients as you can before your stomach pours them out.

But they don't have applesauce here. They think it's weird.

Oatmeal contains a lot of fiber, and fiber is indigestable. It will only contribute to my problems, flowing out, exasperating my squirts without doing much for me in the way of nutrients.

And, in defense of my adopted country, the food here is quite good. That stereotype applies really only to native English food, which is kinda hard to find. The foreign food here is really good. And the fresh vegetable markets are incredible. I can honestly say I am rarely disappointed when I eat out... although I don't bother with what they call "New York Style Pizza".

Oh yes, and English breakfasts sucks bollocks. I miss my little grungy diner SOOOO much.

Look at me, I'm ranting.

I won't enter because I already got the ass journal but I will say that you should try to stay hydrated.
All that ass pissing will dehydrate your body.
If the cramps stop and your ass is still pissing take some Immodium AD.
I suffered a similiar incident many years ago and after 10 days I felt fine but my ass was still pissing. I think my body forgot how to make a solid turd..Immodium fixed me right up.
Good luck!!

Dave, you poor bastard! One day, I'll have to write about my May 2003 nightmare bout with food poisoning (my ass-pissing increased to EVERY FIVE MINUTES...I know, I had nothing better to do than watch the clock).

Others here have suggested Immodium (or whatever equivalent they have in the UK), which is a good idea. Throw in a little Kaopectate if you're really desperate!

And if all that fails, get to a doctor -- in Germany, if you must! -- and get a prescription anti-diarrheal. I've been severely dehydrated, and lemme tell ya, that is NOT something you want to let happen. Not unless you like having agonizing cramps all over your body...NOT fun.

I'll refrain from gambling on this, and just wish you well, old chap! ^_^

November 19th is my guess.

I guess that you will enjoy solid bowel movements on Monday the 17th at 3:45PM

Hi Dave..... This is your punishment for not publishing my articles. I had the shits in France but I am nice guy. They were gone in a day?

Can you get Gatorade? You still need liquids, after all.

Holy Squirts, Batfag!

It's been a rough weekend. Germany was beautiful, and I acquainted myself with nearly every bathroom in the idyllic little town of Tubingen. Sometimes my ass would give me a few hours in between salvos; sometimes, I'd literally walk out of the bathroom and then walk right back in.

Saturday evening, my Aunt, a woman with a six-year-old daughter and thus of infinite patience, got fed up and forced me to take some Imodium. I had held out thus far in the belief that the medicine would only prolong the passage of the disease through my system. However, nearly instantly upon taking the medicine, my cramps ceased and my ass calmed down; and thus I was able to go hours between each attack of the groans.

So the report, as of midnight Sunday night, is that I am still squirting. Thanks to the medicine, I now have continence, and I'm no longer bursting into restaurants and brushing off angry hostesses; however, I am still quite liquid, and I see no end in sight.

I say you will have a softie on Monday at 7:45 Am, and then you will have a monster that will plug the toilet at oooo let's say 3:00 PM.
This reminds me of a story,
I was at Deep Creek Lake at a huge vacation home. It was the second day went and it went uneventful or so I thought, Around 12:00 I had some nasty ass belches and farts, I decided to go to sleep and wait it out, At about 5:48 AM I woke up sweating and I knew this poo was going to be put in the big black book for sure. Rushed into the bathroom, took the boxers of and sat, immediately my ass began expelling this liquidy shit at a rate I couldn't even explain, the liquid of doom had splashed back. Immediatley I knew that this couldn't be wiped. These toilest where slow flush septic tank toilets so I knew I could wipe with tp cause it wouldn't flush!! So I wiped as much as I could being conservative with that plush 2 ply toilet paper, I flushed and with my boxers down ran to the garage, got a towel and wiped my ass. 5 minutes later I got a rumblin' in my tumblin' so I ran downstairs and borught a clean towel and expelled that hot liquid again, but this time I wasn't so lucky, the great brown substance had leaked down my leg!! I wiped and flushed and to my suprise somebody had given the toilet and abusing, so I ran for the plunger, plunged got the ole shit stick, started plunging and she cleared, flushed again and the toilet had pump faked me, it rose again. So I plunged like crazy, finally it flushed, as soon as that happened, I went back up stairs and sat down for ten minutes, but alas something was brewing, I knew that this was gonna' be another episode, so I grabbed the towel, had the ole' piss ass, and I wiped. 15, minutes later I had that feeling again, so I went downstairs and took ye olde squirt. This time it wasn't so bad and I wiped normally and flushed, ahhh the sound of the toilet accepting my foul, anus liquid. I felt well so I decided to walk down to the pier at about 6:45. Walked down and came back, but about 3/4 of the way back I felt not so good. I made a b-line for the house, burst into the door and sat down on the pot!!! Expelled the liquid with such a fierce velocity that I hade splash back again, ugh... I wiped with the towel and flushed (Didn't flush the towel!!!!, although I think some kid did a while back). I felt relieved, so I grabbed a cup and got some water and watched tv. That was the end of the shits for that day. I had a 5 flusher there also!!! This story is true, I wish I had proof though!!! That towel was thrown away!!
Sean

You might want to see a doctor. We have a free(ish) health service in the UK. There's also a product called Collis Brown (just realised what a brilliantly appropriate name that is!), that's useful for minor cases of anal disturbance. The liquid form is best in my opinion. No sure if it would cope with such a deluge of biblical proportions though.

About freaking time you took some medicine.

Mastercrapper once told us that he discovered that chocolate bunged him up--he was experimenting with cocoa nibs. Ive heard reports from others that chocolate is constipating. So is cheese.

So to help you solidify, I'd recommend some good bittersweet chocolate, and a chunk of cheese.

Avoid coffee and hot liquids--those can give you the trots, especially when your bowels are already fast forwarding.

Eat some yogurt to get your gut bacteria back to normal, too. Avoid plain milk--the lactose can aggravate diarrhea.

I read somewhere once that if you go to another country the first thing you should do is eat some of the local yoghurt. This gets the local bacteria into your system in a managable amount so your body gets used to it. However I'm not sure this would work on the barbarian hordes currently rampaging through your intestines

My poor dear...this is your intestines writing to inform you that your unhealthy pooping spree will NEVER END!!! Dave, this was the last straw, stuffing me with all of that Spanish and German food when you know I prefer cheese doodles. Shame on you! Enjoy your suffering!! =D

MuAHAHahHAHAha

Finally! A solid log!

It's been a long, loooong nine days. Of course my bowels waited until I trekked all the way to the doctor and spent two hours in the waiting room before providing me with solidity. Of course my bowels waited until after I returned to the doctor's office this morning to provide them with a stool sample. Of course my bowels are still bubbling and churning and cramping, daring me to trust them enough to leave the vicinity of my toilet.

I don't trust my bowels yet.

But a solid log is a solid log -- where there's one, there's many. So congrats to IBS Forever, who submitted via email the closest guess without going over (November 17, 3:45 PM).

I will give my bowels a few more days to recover, and then I'll go out and eat the spiciest food I can find... 9 days of a bland, boring, healthy-bowel diet really sucks.

if you look up at my earlier reply, you'll see I guessed the exact day! too bad i didnt email!
damnit all!!!

Suck don't it.

Excuse me, that was SUCKS. I hate it when I press the button before I check my spelling!!!! That sucks too.

Standing up makes me poop.

i poop my pants all the time because i will drink exlax and eat beans. shit on me

DUDE YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS!!
That is a problem...and sick..and foul...but funny too....
When you have a 4 month old like me....you get used to disgusting explosions runnin down their legs and even onto your clothes...it is foul..but you get used to it!

_"a chick" above that is a shame you get used to the poop______
Producing waste since 1967