**FIRST PRIZE** The best entry will win a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway.

"Hmm," I wondered. "How accurate is that description?"

Let's find out. The goal of this contest is to find the most realistic onomatopoeia* for the situation described above. It can be as long or as short as necessary. It can be the sound you make, or the sound your butt makes. The winner will get a copy of the best possible holiday gift in the world, The Journal of Ass Production.

A note to the reader: the most entertaining way to enjoy this contest will be to read the entries out loud. Trust me. Slowly and out loud.

navigate through the entries    November 19    November 20    November 22    November 29    December 1

*Onomatopoeia: The formation or use of words such as 'buzz' or 'murmur' that imitate the sounds associated with the objects or actions they refer to.

THIS CONTEST HAS CLOSED. Here is the winner!

--- ADDED NOVEMBER 19 ---

• * EXAMPLE *
  "Zzzt.... zzzzzt.... hnnnnzzz.... HHHHHZZZZZZ-oops!"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Dave
  
  
• "Pssst . . . Brrrt . . . Brrrt . . . . SPLRRRRRT . . . ssssbzzztssssbzztBZZZT . . . 'You dumbass motherFUCKER!!!!!'"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by AssBlaster2000
  
  
• "uuhhhhh. MMmmm.
  uuHHHHH. MMMMMmmmmmm.
  uuuHHHHHHH. MMMMMMmmmmmmAAAAaaaaaa O."
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Logjam
  
  
• "Grrrr...
  GRRRR...
  Gg-bbbbtttthhhhhh
  WHAT THE FUCK??!!
  oh well, after I clean up this disaster, I'll have something to share at poopreport.com."
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Slim Jim Junkie
  
  
• "BWAAAAACCCCKKKKK! BWAAAAAACCCKKKKK! The sound of a drunk duck on crack!!!!"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by The Big Wiper
  
  
• "ok..ok..I gonna make it... yes... Ahhh... SssssBzzzzttt... szzzzttbbzzztt... Flllltfzzzt... Buuurrrrrrrrrrrtttt... (oh god)... razzzzz.. tat,tata... burrrzzzzt... whew"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Easy Slider
  
  
• "Oooono .Maaaaato .Poeiaaaaaaaaa"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Logjam
  
  
• "booWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Caca Doodle
  
  
• "Pbbbbbwwwwwwpppp-sssszzzzzzzzttt *crackle-crackle* ffffffffft!
  (that's the fart-gone-shit actually hitting the hot coils)"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Obi-Dung Kenobi
  
  
• "pshphspshphshpspphshpshpphshpshpshphpshpspsphshsphphs...... ppppttttttttt OH DAMN!"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Chad
  
  
• "Hmmmm... grmmmmm.... uhmmmmmm.... plbbbrrrtttt.... What the? D'oh!"
  -- posted 11.19.02004 by Di Uhreea
  --- ADDED NOVEMBER 20 ---
  
• "Ooomph..oomph..PHHMPHHH THUBTHUB BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT... PRMPHHH-Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-BLUMP"
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by The Shit Pistol
  
• "Ung Ung ppffffffppfffsplatsplatsplat
  Whoops. Wasn't me!"
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by t0x1c B4by Bug
  
• (grunting noises) "zzzzzzzzzzziiiiippppppppp (like a really annoying whistle, only one that smells like shit every time you blow on it) and also brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttt!"
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by my shit is GREEN
  
• "Ffffftttttt pip pip ffffttttpllt!"
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by Poopedem
  
• "ffffft
  ffffffffffff
  plbt plbt plbt plbt
  SPLOOSH
  Farter: Oh, crap!
  Plut plut plut plut, pop pop pop, crackle, crackle
  friend: You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you!
  farter: Turn it off! Turn if off before it catches on fire!
  Crackle crackle crackle, shhhhhhhh.
  Farter: Too late!"
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by The Shit Volcano
  
• Sounds like blowing a Kazoo under water.
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by Larfus
  
• "pppppphhhhhhtttttbbbbssssssss. (oh shit what did i eat) *squeak* ttttttttfffffllllooooop.damn u enchiladas!!!!! oh my god round two..."
  -- posted 11.20.02004 by Lee
  --- ADDED NOVEMBER 22 ---
  
• Sounds effect aside, it probably sounds like a rather large, wet moth hitting a bug zapper on warm summer evening. Quite possibly the sparks are the same.
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Chuck
  
• "uuuuuurrrrrggghhhhh...
  *reeee-splork*
  damn it all."
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Liquidy_poo
  
• Lotsa varieties...
  "Poooooth"
  "proit"
  "fffffffffffrrrt"
  "bop"
  "if its an accident... and its a diarrhea blast it would be more like pllllllllllllllllllll"
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Thales
  
• "Hm! unnnn AAAAAHHH *Sigh*"
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by The Amazing Anus
  
• "Blaaarnt... Ploomp... Ploomp... splish... Sploooooont... ploop ploop (Moan Ah that's it!)"
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Ayanna
  
• Jeans "un-zzzzziipp"!

  Jeans drop to ankles and hit sneakers:
  "F-fffflump"

  Knees crack while squatting into position:
  "Ki-ki-ki-ki"

  An opening salvo fart - staccato:
  "phlltt!"

  Re-positioning backwards, inching the ass closer to the heater, with jeans around the ankles:
  "Swuff swuff swuff swuff"

  Knees crack again for the deeper ass-to heater squat:
  "Ki. Ki yih-ki.:

  Ass hairs getting singed in the momentary pause nearing the heater:
  "Sizz-s-s-s-z-z"

  Ready, deadly, go:
  "Fruuuuppp! Splooorrt!"

  Cackle! Hoot! Screaming laughter

  But then... the poop goes "Phuhluppp" on the buddy's sneaker.
  "Squpp" on the heater
  "Tzzzzz" as grilled pooplets fry and drop off the heater grille to the floor

  The gallon of rancid yellow butt paint on the floor is silent but deadly.
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Crapola
  

• "uhoh mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmm oh oh uhuhuhuh oh god MMMMMMMMMMmm ahhhhhhhhhaAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh! (me) rRRRRrrriiiiPIPP RRRRROOOOOAAAAR PhhooooooootPHHHHHHHHUTbbRRRRRRR RRRRTTTTBrtPSsssSSSSST" (an anal opening)
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by emt_poo
  
• "herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, (breath) herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr(breath, wipe your brow)herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, ahhhh"
  -- posted 11.22.02004 by Poop and Potatoes
  --- ADDED NOVEMBER 29 ---
  
• "ummmMMMMMMNNNNNNNNGH... uhhHHNNNNNMMMMMMMMNNNnn... ummmmnnnnNNNNNNGH... POOOWAA AHRRRPPPHHHSSSHshshshshsssssssssss... KERPHLOOOOMshshshshsppptphtshphtsssss"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Turd HugeAssBlow
  
  
• "OK, here I am bent over straining to bust a fart six inches from a space heater coil to see if it lights on fire.

  "Oh, no! I accidentally spraying the heater, the floor, and my buddy with a gallon of rancid yellow butt paint instead!"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Ass Phlegm
  
  

• "No, a little to the left, yeah. Okay, Now, step back." "You got the umbrella and the phone? Watch the cat. I couldn't find him this morning."

  "HHHmmmmmmmm......"

  "Huuuuhuuuuhhhhhhuuuuuuuah........"

  "HuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh TTTThhhhHHHHPPPPHHTTTllllLLLLTTT T................ .pop. Aha..AOUOOOWWWWW! GODDAMMIT! sssspppphhhlllttttttterrrrrrrrr................... sssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS S"

  "SPLUTTER............. sppppppppisssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttt."

  "Hey, whzatt? Jesus, is that your cat?"

  "UUUUUUUhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn."

  "911, What is your emergency?"

  "My ass is on fire. We didn't plan it this way."

  "You planned it? What is your address?"

  "THE CAT! THE CAT! LOOK FOR THE BURNING CAT!"

  "Uh, this is the 911 emergency services, we have an animal cruelty case here, someone set his cat on fire after a fight with his neighbor after arguing over the heat bill. Apparently they were using a space heater... I'm assuming they had the heat turned off."

  "No! The cat!"

  "Yes, the cat. We'll watch for the cat."

  "We'll have details after we contact PETA for the intricacies of the animal cruelty. Up next, Havana Smith tells us how to enjoy the holidays without fireworks. Details at 11."
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Daphne
  
  

• "uuurrrRR..mm..uuuuuuuuuUUuuUUrrRRggHH.. mmm.hu.hu.hu. huuuuuuuuuuuuurrRRRRRRRGRRRRRRHH. P.P.P.P. fllllllplthplthplthhtp lthh.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.. p.ththththhhh.SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. PAPAP APAPAPAPAPa pa.....pa.pa....pa.... "God No!" Heart: "lubdub lubdub lubdub lubdub" "Good God No!" Buddy: "Uhhh? Uhhhh? Hwooorh PApapapapa.... Howoooooorghhhh... Pa.pa.pa.pa.papapapa. You..hu.son..hu.of a bitch.huh. You better clean this up right now -- give me fifty dollars I need some new shoes you sick son of a bitch."
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Spruce Deuce
  
  
• "Hi yeeeeeee, uh.... hi yeeeeeeee, blurt, yeeeeeeeeee, thizzzzz, uh... hi yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, larfraaaaaantitzzzzzzzzzzzzzz BLAT! (wait) pip, pop, pitz...ZZZZT!" (lights go out)"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Ass Phlegm
  
  
• The ass sounds and splashing noises are drowned out by "Shit! Goddammit! Motherfucker! Oh No!"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Poopypants
  
  
• "BBLBBLBBLGRGLGRGL.... PHLLLTTTT... PLOOOSSSHHHHHSSSSSSSTTT!! Man, I think I shot a turd rocket right in your eye."
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Fabulous Frankie D
  
  
• "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" (Sizzle, sizzle) "AU! VERDAMPTE SCHEISSE!"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by The Other David
  
  
• "Ftrrrp. Ftrrrrrrp. Phuttoooouuuueeerrrrppp pheeaaarrrrppp - Galloshhhhh! plip plap plott. Oh fu- hur- hur- FUCKITT!" "Is this your place or will you have to explain it to the landlord?"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Harry Plopper
  
  
• *acoustic guitar playing folk song*
  "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Hammer Buttsman
  
  
• "ssssswwwwwiiiissssshhhh"
  like a calming waterfall.....
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Ms Poopadoop
  
  
• *grunts* VrrraaaaatadadadadaAaAaKSHPPlllTbbt.... bzeet ..pllpdt.vrrt *Oh shit!*
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Chazman
  
  
• "ghk ghk ghk, ouuuheee,GKKKKH, POP POP POP... ouuuheeee, ghk ghk ghk ghhhkkkk... splooomp..." "you bastard!"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by The Artist Formerly Known as poo-poo
  
  
• Volume swells. "Squeak.... eearrrrrripp" Then a grasizio thump, similar to if you dropped a cat onto a carpet from two stories. Then a very rapid fire or thumps, pops, squeaks, and crackles, totally blasting the heater and its surrounding comrades with fecal matters. Truly an event...
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by BOPINATOR
  
  
• "Rat a tat-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat..." *momentary pause*... "BANG!"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by so what if i had an F in english!
  
  
• "blblbtttsss"
  and...
  "tbtbtbblblblafft!"

  if i shit my my pants...
  "blblbshbshbshbshblurblurblurblur..."

  and underwater...
  "bblluurrttblurblurbluuu"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by PoopTurd
  
  

• "Flurbensquirshieflarebenplurbeplop."
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Judd
  
  
• "Sploiib-t-b-t-b"
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by FartKnot
  
  
• *swears in Chinese very very fast*
  "RELEASE THE DEMONS!!!!!!"
  .......splosh
  -- posted 11.29.02004 by Sir_poo alot
  --- ADDED DECEMBER 1 ---
  
• "Uuuuuunnggh.... *toot* pluuupppppppphhhhblblblbt.... sssssssssssssssssssssss...." "You FUCK!" *one last blast* "BLOOOT!"
  -- posted 12.1.02004 by Jason L.
  
  
• "Blurt. Splash. Fizz."
  -- posted 12.1.02004 by Jack Scat