**FIRST PRIZE** The best entry won a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway.

"Hmm," I wondered. "How accurate is that description?"

Not terrifically accurate, according to the many PoopReporters who entered this contest in the hopes they could do better. For the readers who followed my instructions and actually took the time to read the entries out loud, I think this contest was a lot of fun. For the people who thought inner monologue was a good substitute for making noises with their mouths, not so much.

So, in the hopes of recreating the fun part of the experience, I employed the services of a creepy British computer. Some people found it as funny as I did. Others, again, not so much.

Nevertheless, people voted. And through that vote, a winner floated to the top: our dear own The Shit Volcano, a young woman who can proudly boast to having the incredibly marketable ability of being able to transcribe poop sounds into text.

The Final Standings: The Shit Volcano - click for 265K mp3  35 votes Spruce Duece - click for 510K mp3  14 votes The Shit Pistol - click for 83K mp3  12 votes Fabulous Frankie D - click for 112K mp3  11 votes My Shit Is Green - click for 129K mp3  8 votes votes: 80

As is our tradition, she spoke:

Alright! I won! Time to shit on a heater and let it fry!

I'll make this brief because I'm in a bad mood. (By the way, if you want some juicy facts about my bitchy sister and her pathetic sex life, just ask. It's all her fault!) I'd like to share this victory with... Oh, wait! It's mine! All mine! I wasn't really thinking about winning when I entered. But when I read the story by ODK a picture just popped into my head and I ran with it.

The funny thing is, the other night I went to see The Polar Express with my sister's adopted kids. When the boy burns his hand on the heater under his window I started cracking up, but I couldn't say why. How do you explain it to a six-year-old kid?!? All I could picture was a drunken college guy squatting over a heater with a shit tsunami exiting his anal cavity.

Anyway, thank you all for your votes! And please, let's give something up to Obi Dung Kenobi for his great cool pen name. That had me laughing almost as much as the story!

Keep writing fellow Poop Reporters! You are an inspiration! (Okay, so that was corny!)

Congratulations, Ms. Volcano. Enjoy your copy of The Journal of Ass Production. And now, let's hear from the runners-up. Spruce Deuce says:

I am sincerely honored to have been in the running with such gifted competitors. And even though I have not won this event, I owe a debt of gratitude to a number of individuals and forces who helped me to come so far. Of course I would first like to thank God for his foresight in bestowing upon me such an active set of bowels. Of course, thank you PoopReport, and its patrons, who have been instrumental in my rise to "B" celebrity status -- I will never forget where I came from.

I also need to thank my family -- I love you, Mom! -- for all their support and reassurance on the campaign trail. Tony Blair, how wonderful of you not to have felt "above" narrating these commoner outcries in a public forum such as this -- I know you're a busy man, thank you.

But I need to give thanks where it is all too often neglected. <sniffle> You know... without my ironic historical vulnerability to feces/radiator scenarios, I never would have had the courage to toss my hat into the "ring". So, to this vulnerability of mine, I extend a warm, and squishy, thank you.

Good night everyone. And congratulations to THE Shit Volcano -- you proved a menacing competitor throughout this campaign.

With love,
Spruce Deuce

And finally, The Shit Pistol gives his speech. I swear he's lying about the gun. I swear.

Being a finalist is quite a surprise. I wasn't expecting it and I really don't have a speech prepared. But Dave wants me to, and how can I resist such a face? (Puppy dog eyes... you know.)

I would like to thank everyone who voted for me. I didn't expect to get a single vote, but you cast one for me and I definately appreciate it. I'd also like to thank my dad for his battle with Chron's Disease, which constantly produced the noises -- not to mention the stenches that came with it -- that inspired me to enter into this contest to see if I had a spot at winning.

Last but not least, I'd like to thank the intestinal microbes. Without them, this contest wouldn't be anything. Is that okay, Dave? Could you put the gun down now? D-d-dave?

Click here to see all the original entries. Or, click here to buy a copy of The Journal of Ass Production for yourself and pretend that you won.