CONTEST #14: A Toilet's First Time

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PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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**FIRST PRIZE**
The best entry will win a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway.





In a recent story, Doniker discussed taking a toilet on its maiden voyage. What
he didn't do, however, is come up with a canonical phrase to describe such an
event. That is your task.

The winner receives a copy of The Journal of Ass Production
-- the bible of the PoopReporting generation.

Vote now! And scroll down to see all the original entries.




THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED. See the winners here!









    --- ADDED JAN 16 ---


  • A Virgin Merde-y


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • A Home Depot Debut


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • The Sweet Turd Of Youth


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • A Christencrap


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • The Bum Voyage


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • Introducing John to the boys


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Honey Monster




  • Debone the throne


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Gettin' hot with the new pot


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Feeling dapper on the new crapper


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Testing your ability in the new facility


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Dropping the kids at the pool on the new stool


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Making a stank with the new tank


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Going poo on the new loo


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • (Doniker specific:)

    Beating your meat on the new seat


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea




  • Hitting poo-berty


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Clustersnarf




  • Brownseating the porcelain debutante


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Clustersnarf




  • Tame the bowl


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Tony




  • Christen the crapper


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Tony




  • Releasing the beast upon the new seat


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm




  • Coal from the hole into the new bowl


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm




  • 1999 flushes left...


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm




  • First groan on the throne


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm




  • Graduating from Brown University


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm




  • Christening the shitting thing


    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Ass Phlegm





  • --- ADDED JAN 19 ---


  • Initiation defecation


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Crapola




  • The number one number two


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Crapola




  • Inauguration defecation


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Crapola




  • Brown baptism


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Crapola




  • Shit in the fresh pit


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Doniker




  • Splat in the new vat


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Doniker




  • Shit on it, Potsie


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Doniker




  • First number two


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Doniker




  • Sampling the shitter


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Kung Poo




  • De-flowering your "brown-eye" girl


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Discharge Dan




  • First blood (?)


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Discharge Dan




  • Bonding with the new bundle of joy


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Discharge Dan




  • Losing its turdginity


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Justin




  • The Bowlening


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Captain Genius




  • First full moon of the New Year


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Kitty Litter




  • New Skids on the Pot


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Butt Ugly




  • Loaf-probing the toilet's sweet hymen!


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Arco!




  • The maiden voidage


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Daphne




  • Cosby Kids' christening cruise


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • First flush


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • Toilet, meet ass. Ass... toilet.


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • Redecorating the reading room


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • New route on the merde express bus line


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • New seat in the poopeteria


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader




  • Intamite inauguration


    -- posted 1.19.02004 by Toiletreader





  • --- ADDED JAN 20 ---


  • The craptism


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by ThreePly




  • Making my first deposit for a free toaster at the new Bank One


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Toiletreader




  • Casting the first vote on election day


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Toiletreader




  • First day at poopergarten


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Toiletreader




  • The first movement of the feces fugue


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Mr. Blumpkin




  • The new poo


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Sarah




  • Breaking in the butt basin


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Sarah




  • Butt-bowl baptism


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Sarah




  • Launching the Starship Enterpoop


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Sarah




  • The Blessed Union (of ass and seat)


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Chris




  • Dirty debutante


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by So So




  • Shit-cinera


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by So So




  • Shitroduction


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by So So




  • First stop on the skidmark express


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Che Guanovara




  • The turdening


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Che Guanovara




  • Bowl-ly going where no man has gone before


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Che Guanovara




  • Porcelain 101


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Che Guanovara




  • The christening loaf


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Slim Jim Junkie




  • Baptism by brown fire


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by The Shit Reaper




  • Converting the white heathen


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by The Shit Reaper




  • Butt-mitzvah


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by The Shit Reaper




  • A butt-tism


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • First ride down the porcelain slide


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • Baby's first turds


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • The new skid in town


    -- posted 1.20.02004 by Tom Turdriffic





  • --- ADDED JAN 22 ---


  • Poopin' that cherry


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Donny B




  • Cherry poopin' daddies


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Donny B




  • The poop initiate


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by The Other David9




  • Kon Turdi


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tsslug7




  • Training the doo-doo drain


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • Untying the bow(l)


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • The first taste of waste


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • Kicking off the defecation celebration


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • The starting gun for the American Standard marathon


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Tom Turdriffic




  • Saying hello to the new god


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Grebuloner




  • The Awakening


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by John-boy Jovi




  • Taking the plunge


    -- posted 1.22.02004 by Poopaholic





  • --- ADDED JAN 26 ---


  • Prima kaka


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by The Shit Reaper




  • Inloguration


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Q




  • First Flush


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Jeff




  • Breaking in the pot with a shot of butt-snot


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by scott_the_turd_eater




  • The ribbon-pinching ceremony


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by scott_the_turd_eater




  • John's first meal


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Couch




  • Brown the drain


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Poop Patroller




  • Test-driving the porcelain Cadillac


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Insane Wayne




  • The rite of passage


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by John-boy Jovi




  • The worthiness test


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by John-boy Jovi




  • Swearing in the porcelain president


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by John-boy Jovi




  • (S)hitting the bunny slopes


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Muddy Waters




  • Baby's first turds: "Daddy!"


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Muddy Waters




  • Porcelain popping


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Diesel




  • First crack at the job


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • L'il Johnny's first "Say ahh!"


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by The Big Wiper




  • Another of Cleveland's finest sets sail


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Anathema13




  • Loosing poopginity


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Karen Rick




  • Baby's first sit-and-shit


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Karen Rick




  • Hey Mikey, he likes it!


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Karen Rick




  • The ceremonial launching of the brown trout


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by JB




  • Corn-onation of the King's new throne


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Muddy Waters




  • The Assfirmation


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Muddy Waters




  • Imaculate poop conception


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Julia Gulia




  • Poo new


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Poopedem




  • First flush with feces


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Quasimoto




  • Giving the new boy shit


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Fart Licker




  • Dropping the kids off at a new school


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by doodooball123




  • The first commode load


    -- posted 1.26.02004 by Jacque Hass






  • THIS CONTEST HAS ENDED. See the winners here!

    37 Comments on "CONTEST #14: A Toilet's First Time"

    Donny B's picture
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    "The craptism" is concise and oh so relevant. But you have to like my entries, too.

    Honey_Monster's picture
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    I wouldn't bother entering guys. Dave's already told me I'll win. No joke!

    When I posted my entry it said:-

    "Thanks for the contest entry! I'm sure you'll win."

    So there you have it. Job done!

    Di Uhreea's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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    What a bastard! He told me that too!

    poopinlovewithu's picture
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    me too

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    (Doniker specific:)
    Beating your meat on the new seat
    -- posted 1.16.02004 by Di Uhreea

    I haven't cranked one off on the new pot Di, but if I do, and I am sure I will, I will think of you!!

    Di Uhreea's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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    Sweet. I knew you would think of my sweet ass for your new adventure...

    Sarah's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Graduating from Brown University--hahahahahhahahaha!!!!

    Sarah's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Maiden voidage is also classic.

    the shit reaper's picture
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    "tame the bowl" (tony) LMAO...

    Toiletreader's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    I love the graphic of the guy setting down the toilet into place. It looks a like that loveable Irish lug Colin Quinn, from Saturday night live, or any of the those middle-aged slobs at Home Depot who are trying to escape their annoying wives under the guise of fixing crap around the house. Where did you get it, Dave?

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    Looks to me like Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill)....he loved his throne.

    che's picture
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    totally Big Al. i love the Tough Skins he's wearing.

    Winny the Poo's picture
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    "the maiden voidage"
    "initiation defecation"
    these ones actually make sense and they are funny.

    Dave's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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    I pulled it off the internet somewhere. I had to colorize it, because it was in black and white. Glad you guys like it. I also thought of Al Bundy when I saw it... that, and some creepy guy about to have sex with his toilet.

    Jack Scat's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Butt-mitzvah.
    I love it.

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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    dammit! I thought maiden voidage had a chance, but I must say craptism rocks the most.
    Hats off to you, threeply.
    daphne

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    Di Uhreea's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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    Craptism gets my vote.

    the shit reaper's picture
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    turdening

    Justa Girl's picture
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    Gotta be "craptism"... it's perfect. Although the entire list is totally funny. You guys are so freakin creative! What's with Dave telling you that you're all going to win, though? That's bound to cause some problems! I thought Dave was smarter than that.

    Mr. Poop's picture
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    I think that the winning entry should be able to flow (no pun intented) when saying it, that is, the phrase should be able to be put into verb form. Examples from what I see above: "I craptized the toilet this morning" or "I browned the drain of the new toilet after dinner." We must remember this will be the official terminology for future stories.

    Ass Phlegm's picture
    PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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    I think Dave likes to try and make us all feel "special". Whatta guy!

    Tydirium's picture
    k 500+ points
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    Mr. Poop -- I AGREE 100%!!!

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    Sorry, but I don't care for any of the 5 finalists so I am not voting.
    There were so many that were better.

    Quasimoto's picture
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    Ditto doniker.

    I picked 'craptism' because it was one word and kinda funny, but there were many more that were better than the ones they picked for the top five.

    I'm not saying that cuz my entry wasn't selected--it was kinda lame--but whoever did the choosing was an asswipe.

    Discharge Dan's picture
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    I agree, we can do better. Extend the contest, then expand the final list to ten entries for a vote! Or not.

    donnyb's picture
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    I totally disagree. "Craptism" and "Maiden Voidage" were my 2 favorites, and the votes show them far ahead of the others. Maybe the other 3 were questionable, but the top 2 were primo. How about having a Run(s)-off?

    Tom Turdriffic's picture
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    I think all the entries are hilarious, but maybe that's because I think ANYTHING about poop is funny. I have to agree with the majority, though; "Craptism" is perfect.

    I'm in the middle of finishing my basement, including a new 1/2 bath. Any ideas on how I can perform a craptism ceremony for the new toilet, and document it for the site? Keep in mind the "no poop pictures" rule.

    Sarah's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    Personally I think that being able to use "craptism" as a verb is a major advantage. Plus you can say cool things like "craptism by fire," which sounds especially disturbing.

    Dave's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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    Tom: I want to see candles and incense and a speech. In front of an audience, preferrably. And make sure you cuddle afterwards.

    Do take pictures of your ceremony. Everything but the log!

    Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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    Making sense?
    I thought my "Christineng loaf" made plenty of sense.

    young guy's picture
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    If you think about it, the moment a new toilet is installed, it becomes captive. It has absolutely no choice in what will happen to it today, tomorrow or forever. Craptism is a good word for it.

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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    "Beating your meat on the seat", that's the funniest one so far!

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    Joe's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    i take my shit apart

    tim robinson's picture
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    My Poop Is Green after i eat asparagaus

    John's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    The De-Virgination of White Porcelain

    Jason L.'s picture
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    I'm too late for this contest, unfortunately... but how 'bout this saying...

    Telling the toilet to "say hello to your little friend!"

    romina's picture
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    it's can traduccion the espa