**FIRST PRIZE** The best entry won a copy of The Journal. Everyone else should buy one anyway.

However, that problem has been solved. PoopReport has once again come to humanity's rescue. We now have a simple, wonderful, mildly sacrilegious phrase for this blessed event: the Craptism.

The linguist who coined this phrase (and the newest owner of The Journal of Ass Production) is our own Three Ply. He says:

"Let me start off doing my best Julia Roberts, because if there's one person I'd like to wipe my ass with, it's her.

"I want to thank all of my fellow PoopReporters who helped inspire me to become a Reporter myself. Dave, Doniker, The Big Wiper, Che, and so many others are the reason I'm here. Thanks to the masses who have voted the Craptism as your winner. There were so many great entries, I don't know how they pinched it off at five. You all have made me very proud to report my poop. It is an honor to be the newest owner of the Journal of Ass Production. I finally have something other than a Gameboy Advance to sit down with whenever I release some dirty eels into the wild. Again, I have to thank Dave for hosting this site and holding this contest. PoopReport is truly a work of art.

"It's hard to do a winning speech when you're not used to winning, so with all the cheesiness aside, I also want to thank the real motivator behind my entry: Budweiser. If I wasn't nursing a buzz/hangover when I stumbled upon the new contest, The Craptism might never have come to mind.

"Fecesciously yours,
Three Ply"

As always, the runners-up have their say. As always, hugs all around. What a loving community we are!

"Threeply, congratulations! And Daphne -- I personally think yours was the best entry. (Uh... of course I voted for my own in a desperate attempt to increase my success chances by .001% lol.) But still -- if it wasn't for the whole "has to be conjugated like a verb" thing, I think "maiden voidage" should've won. But then again, what's my opinion worth? Who am I compared to all these poop giants and über-poopers around here? ...just a lurker.

"Really great contest! It's not just the finalists or the winner -- what about all the other ideas that this contest brought out? Among my favorites: Inloguration?? Turdening? Tame the bowl?? hahahahahhaaa........

"Thanx,
The Shit Reaper"

Does Ass Phlegm's brevity betray bitterness? Or maybe he's just busy.

"What can I say except that 'Craptism' was destined to win upon its entry into the contest. There were a lot of great submissions, but that one was a sure thing. I'll try and work it into my vocabulary, although I don't see the opportunity coming up all that much. Congratulations. -- Ass Phlegm."

I may have received concession speeches from Daphne and Honey Monster. But my inbox is being flooded with virus emails right now, so chances are I deleted them. I'm sure they send their thinly-veiled regards as well. Congratulations to all!

THE FINAL RESULTS Craptism (Three Ply)  150 votes The maiden voidage (Daphne)  100 votes Butt-mitzvah (The Shit Reaper)  84 votes Graduating from Brown University (Ass Phlegm)  61 votes Introducing John to the boys (Honey Monster)  40 votes votes: 435

Thanks to Justa Girl, Trevor, Hairy Pooter, Poonurse, Sue M, Tony, Assblaster2000, Eric, Snapper, and Poopshipdestroyer for helping to pick the finalists.

Click here to see all the original entries.