It's not just for hairy European women anymore.

** FIRST PRIZE ** The winner of this contest will receive an Official PoopReport Fake Poop, courtesy of our friends at Feces Farms!

The bidet is an incredible appliance that every red-blooded American male should love. After even the most painful and messy excretory experiences, we men should turn to the bidet to return our dripping cracks to the pristine state of cleanliness god intended.

Why doesn't every bathroom have a bidet? I blame the French. No man would be caught dead using something with such a weenie name.

At PoopReport, it's our mission to spread the gospel of better pooping. Men across the land are in sore need of the bidet. If the name is all that is stopping them, then by god, let's change that name!

This contest is now closed. Click here to see the winner. Keep reading to see all the original entries.

What's a more male-friendly name for the bidet?

• Ass-blaster
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Colon Bowell.
  
  
• Wiener Cleaner
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Colon Bowell.
  
  
• Enamagic
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Areth.
  
  
• Bro-day
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Dave
  
  
• Bidude
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Dave
  
  
• Undercarriage Scrubber
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Dave
  
  
• Geyser Wilhelm
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Jeff.
  
  
• Spraydolf Shitler
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Jeff.
  
  
• The DingleBeGone 5000
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Jaybowel.
  
  
• The Underwonder X-9
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Jaybowel.
  
  
• The Buttsink
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by somebody.
  
  
• The Crotch Cleaner
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Doniker.
  
  
• Back Door Washer
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Peter.
  
  
• The HAL 1000
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Jeff.
  
  
• Turd-Be-Gone
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Colon-O-Matic
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Old Faithful
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Butt-Be-Clean
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Assbath
  -- Posted 9.7.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Niagra Balls
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Jeff.
  
  
• The Taint Tickler
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• The Ball Waxer
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• The Water Wiper
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• The Butt Hose
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• Crack Cleanser
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• Just take away the french accent and it sounds more manly. Bih-det.
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• The Fecal Flusher
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Butt-Pik. (although, I think Teledyne holds the copyright.)
  -- Posted 9.10.02001 by Chip Brown.
  
  
• Sphincter Soaker
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Brad Shitt.
  
  
• The Porcelain Fire Truck
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Brad Shitt.
  
  
• Crack Whore
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Brad Shitt.
  
  
• H2oooooh my god that feels good!
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Brad Shitt.
  
  
• The Turdinator
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Brad Shitt.
  
  
• Taint Wash
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Doc.
  
  
• The Rectal Hydrant
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Steve.
  
  
• Bonch Blaster
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Ryan Arata.
  
  
• The Wet Kiss
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• "Tidy Bowl" guy goes Postal.
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Rectum Shrinker
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Rainmaker
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Chris.
  
  
• Colon Cleanser
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Roadkill.
  
  
• The Shitter Spitter
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by A.R.
  
  
• Vesuvius
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Ryan.
  
  
• Crack-B-Clean
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Ryan.
  
  
• Scrotum Scrubber
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Crack Blaster
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Butt Gusher
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Bowel Bowl Blaster
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Crap Cleaner
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Fecal Flusher - So Fresh and So Clean
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Matt Ray.
  
  
• Hog-Wash
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Pat.
  
  
• Nut Scrubber
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Rick Reno.
  
  
• The Rear Admiral
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Kyle.
  
  
• Holey Water
  -- Posted 9.17.02001 by Kyle.
  
  
• The Hillary Hole
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Rick Reno.
  
  
• Liquid T.P.
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Jilted.
  
  
• The "Ass Onya Bin Laden"
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Dingle Berry Fountain
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Dung Master 2000
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• The Salad Tosser
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Tony.
  
  
• Manhole Mister
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• Colon Bowell, Secretary of Defeces
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• Crotch Cradle
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• Feces Flusher
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• Splatter Combatter
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• G.I. Hose
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Vicki.
  
  
• The Guy-ser
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Colon Bowell.
  
  
• The Stink Sink
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Colon Bowell.
  
  
• MOIST (Manually-Operated Irrigation of Stinky Taints)
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Colon Bowell.
  
  
• The "Dickle Tickle"
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Samuel.
  
  
• The "Scrubbler"
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Samuel.
  
  
• Asswash...kind of like an eyewash.
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Sarah.
  
  
• The Balloon Knot Lagoon.
  -- Posted 9.20.02001 by Boris Bodomzup.
  
  
• The Garbage Knot Cleaner.
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Melly.
  
  
• Butt Fountain.
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by iamtheshit.
  
  
• Anal Irrigator.
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• John Junior
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Analizer
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Eliminator
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Sac Sprinkler
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Crapper's Last Stand
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Turd Control
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Turd Assasinator
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Hillbilly.
  
  
• Sphincter Sprinkler
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by John.
  
  
• The Fountain of Filth
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Joe C.
  
  
• Muddy Waters
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Joe C.
  
  
• Ye Olde Watering Hole
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Joe C.
  
  
• Plumber's Eve
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Joe C.
  
  
• Log Snapper
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Tony.
  
  
• Crack De-Tacker
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Tony.
  
  
• Loaf Pincher
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Tony.
  
  
• Dingle Tingle
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Tony.
  
  
• Crack Wash
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Trevor.
  
  
• The Tidy Hole Man
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Tony II.
  
  
• The Dingleberry Harvester
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Jeremiah.
  
  
• ASS: Anal Sprayer System
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by Professor Lump.
  
  
• Water Butt-Lathe
  -- Posted 9.27.02001 by PvtStash.
  
  
• Mister Bidet
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Instant Karma
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Hershey Kisser
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Brown Bomber
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Gonad Gun
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Rectal Ringer
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• Genital Gyro
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Harry-Bob.
  
  
• The Gravy Drain
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Lowlife.
  
  
• The Smile Maker 2000
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by CrashOverRide.
  
  
• Super Soaker
  -- Posted 10.10.02001 by Sausage Maker.