** FIRST PRIZE ** The winner of this contest received an Official PoopReport Fake Poop, courtesy of our friends at Feces Farms!

"Man, that buttsink sure feels good." "Gosh, this one is going to be messy, good thing I have a buttsink." "Gee, my ass really hurts, you don't have a buttsink, do you?"

It's a great name for an appliance. The Buttsink. My bathroom has a sink, a toilet, a shower, and a buttsink. That works for me. And clearly, it works for a majority of PoopReport readers.

But what's more important, it works for MEN. It doesn't sound wussy, like "bidet." A girl uses a bidet. A man uses a buttsink. There's shame in using a bidet, but there's no shame in using a buttsink.

Congratulations go out to -- well, we don't know who submitted the winning entry. Nevertheless, this anonymous genius will go down in history.

But at the same time, The Rear Admiral came in a close second. Very close. Close enough that it deserves some serious consideration. It's a great name, too --- it would be terrible to give it up.

I think there's a way we can use them both. Look:

A Ford Taurus is a brand of car. An Apple iMac is a brand of computer. And a Sanisafe (for instance) Rear Admiral is a brand of buttsink.

Makes sense to me.

So, bidet manufacturers of the world, take note. Your product has a new name and a new target market. You can't sell a man a bidet, but you can sell a man a buttsink.

And men of the world, take note. You can have a pain-free ass-cleaning experience without feeling like a sissy. You don't have to feel intimidated or threatened -- it's not a bidet, it's a buttsink.

So congratulations, anonymous pooper, on your Buttsink. Whoever you are, your legacy will live on.

Whenever a man forgoes gritty toilet paper for the pleasure of the buttsink, he'll be thanking you. Wherever a man moisturizes his bunghole the way women have for decades, you'll be there. Whenever a man enjoys a soothing spray of warm water right up his still-quivering leather cheerio -- that, anonymous pooper, is your gift to humanity.

The Words of the Defeated Kyle -- The Rear Admiral: "There are a great many things in this world towards which Man should strive. Create a favorable memory of oneself in the minds of those who follow you. Leave a legacy. Alternately, however, there are certain ignominies best forgotten and wiped away. An ill-timed joke at a funeral. A life lived solely for hatred of others. The Commodore 64. And, certainly, that brown comma that your ass leaves behind on the toilet seat. "Thus, the signature I strove to leave on the world -- the Rear Admiral. I was, and am proud of my concept, and feel confident that it will be remembered even in defeat. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the winner...except we know not his name. Or, her name? Who knows? I did my best to leave a favorable memory, and I am grateful for even secondary recognition. Anonymous? He obviously didn't give a shit." Jaybill -- The Underwonder X-9: "It takes a big man to admit when he's been bested. At nearly 250 pounds, I would think I am certainly big enough. Quite honestly, this was not a heart-wrenching loss, as I feel that the winner here was nothing short of genius. "Although I have been defeated, I'd like to take a moment to remind people what this contest is really all about: Getting "buttsinks" into the homes of more American families. So remember, no matter what nomenclature you elect to employ, explore the possibility of installing one in your current or next home. If you rent, look for one in your next apartment. If you don't have indoor plumbing, well, you've got other things to worry about. "So it is with a sense of great pride that I willingly concede this contest to my most worthy opponent. Thank you, Poop Community, for the chance to be a part of it all." Colon Bowell -- MOIST (Manually-Operated Irrigation of Stinky Taints): "Damn you all. Once again, I've lost a PoopReport contest. Okay, the acronym MOIST may have been a bit unwieldy for use with a bathroom fixture, but come on -- Buttsink?! Why doesn't the creator of this winning entry reveal himself? Probably because he's got the intelligence of a three-toed sloth, and forgot how to turn his computer on again. And Kyle, author of "Rear Admiral": Well, I'm not one to criticize one's sexual proclivities, but I think his entry says it all. "The Underwonder X-9" by JayBowel isn't bad... for someone with a primordial cluster of malfunctioning axons and dendrites in his skull. And LowLife? It sounds as if you already have low self-esteem, so I'll spare you my searing criticism. "May all your crops bear tainted fruit!"