...she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first APPLE OF HER BROWN EYE...

(Ties into the act that caused the pooping and a description thereof)

All I can think of right now is "Satan's brown demon seed"...

I'll be back.

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Broccoli!

Perhaps "The non-tempting but ever so pleasing snake"?

This is something that ought to be right up Dumpster's alley. I'm swamped right now, but will try to think of this as I work on my Sunday School lesson this weekend.

Well--one idea right there is "the world's first Sunday Stool," but surely we can do better than that!

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first stinking brown lizard

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first biblical proportioned dookie

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first smelly serpant of excrement (dung)

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first stinky brown ass serpant

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to humanity's first biblically proportioned stinking ass serpant of excrement.

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Dave, here's a couple. Let me further think on it. Funny concept, though!

Fetid Plague of Bungholedom

Gomorrahian Scourge

Mephistophelian Merde Mound, Beelzebublian (lord of the flies) Bastard or Brown Baby or Bomb ,Deviled Dung Egg or Luciferian(the shining one) Log. The bracketed words are what the literal translation of what the term means. I think the Beelzebub one is most fitting but take your pick.

Dave, two more:

Foundling of Putrid Pestilence

Whoreseed of Meconium Ilk

Still looking up, she squatted and gave agonizing birth to Maxine Waters.

The Great Sphinctor Serpent

Everett: Genesis 1:2 supports your thesis: "And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the Waters."

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

...she squatted and bore humanity's first rancid forbidden brown fruit.

best I can do. not that great compared to some of the above mentioned ideas.

Perhaps Eve "Casted her loaves upon the waters." Bibilical and so true !

Steamin' Spawn (from Demon Spawn)

Dung of Adam (son of Adam)

Colon Cherub

Sphincter Seraph

Bunghole Banshee

Here's another, shit chimera.

"she squatted and brought forth her first-born bun, because there was no room for him in the end."

Pater dimitte Dumpsterus!

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Hey, Dave:

If this is a contest in the true sense don't you need to post a deadline? Just a thought. You are The Guru of Poopoo so if you wanna make it an arbitrary cutoff date, that's okay with me.

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"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

And the angels sang "hallepoojah."

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"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

Okay, this is my last one. Please excuse user syntax error. Latin + Bunghole = <

excreta vituperus malus

Crappy translation: (Shitty Asp Apple)

...still looking up, squatted, and gave agonizing birth to the doo-m of humanity.

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"Those who write on shithouse walls, roll their shit into little balls. Those who read their words of wit, eat those little balls of shit." Author Unknown

Bunghole, believe it or not, I think the verb you're really looking for is the euphonious "cacabat"! (Indicative mood; active voice; third-person singular imperfect tense.)

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Spanks, Dumpster!

I wan't aware of the verb (although I should have figured it out from a most base poop slang: caca).

Barbie says: "Math is hard." Bunghole says: "Latin is hard."

Dumpster says, "life is hard." That's why I have to hang out on PR. Beats getting drunk to forget your troubles.

One more try, Dave; this time with alliteration: "she squatted and gave agonizing birth to [brought forth from her fundament] fallen humanity's first, fat, fistulous, fetid, fateful, foul, fasciulated, filthy, festering, flatulent, fulvous, fecal foal."

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Or if that's too much, how about "she squatted and gave agonizing birth to the Rock of Ages"?

Put a fork in me; I'm done.

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

"...brought forth from her fundament" I like. And then, reading Dumpster's other choices, I was inspired: "the foul of man."

"Eve's stomach twisted. Still looking up, she squatted and brought forth from her funament the foul of man."

I'm liking that right now. Still looking for other options, though. I really like a lot of the biblical references, but I want it to be clear that this is the FIRST nasty poop humanity ever created.

Deadline? Arbitrary. When I see exactly what I'm looking for. Not sure if this is it, so any further ideas are appreciated.

The first excrement of the Old Testament

The Genesis Log

"And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil, and cramping and farting: and now, lest he put forth his ass, and take also of the leaves tree of life, and shit, and wipe for ever"

...Eve's stomach spoke with a vengance. Still looking up, she did grievously bring forth from her fundament a foul scourge upon the earth...

Okay, this REALLY is my last one:

The Alpha and The Omegapoo.

As Eve felt a disastrous rumbling in her bowles, she felt something she never felt before. She new eating the serpants apple was a terrible thing, but untill now, she could not comprehend what she had done. She squatted down to rest and hopefully relieve the cramps in her bousm. Unbeknownst to her, the pressure compounded in her bung and before she knew it, the fruit of the serpant squirmed out of her virgin bunghole. It utter disbelief she gazed upon the rancid stinking being and shrieked in terror and recoiled in the pain it left in her virgin hole. The first stinking glob of poop was born. A product of the evil serpant.

So, she fucked it up for all of us, so here we are today.

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

So far Bunga has made me laugh the most. I can think of nothing right now, mostly because I'm laughing to hard at Bunga's entries.

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Broccoli!

"Eve's stomach twisted. Still looking up, she squatted and brought forth from her fundament the brown bastard child of Beelzebub.

"...the fruit of the serp(e)nt squirmed out of her..." "I(n) utter disbelief she gazed upon the rancid stinking being and shrieked in terror and recoiled..."

I vote for THIS one!

Eve doubeled over in gut wrenching pain. She knew not what was becoming of her. She knew she did wrong and was being punished by god. As she looked up to the skies to pleed for mercy, the stinking brown serpant poked it's head from her behind. Scared, her prayers went unanswered as the stinking brown serpant writhered its way out and lay in a pile beneath her.

....Her bung recoiled in pain at the size of the satanic poop.

......hell, I dunno what to say here, as a recovering catholic thinking the whole Genesis chapter has faults, makes it quite difficult. I may just hafta go dig my bible out of the shed and do some reading. (me talking to self) NO, that will not happen you idiot, we haven't come this far to revert back to that!! Screw this, it's just the most important piece of literature to be put out this year.....

Awe Shit! I'm making another coctail!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

how about "she bestowed upon the mASSES a brown loaf of manna from heaven"?

Adam felt sure that Eve could produce a pile worthy of admission to the GENESIS Book Of World Records,
but she was only LUKEwarm to the idea. Since there were no JOHNs, she MARKed her spot and proceeded to release a KINGSized poo. It was a COLOSSIAN ACT. This was no GARDEN variety shit. Her DOO-DERONOMY made a mass EXODUS and was a TESTAMENT to her shitting prowess. "ISAIAH old girl, good thing you didn't crap on my new CORINTHIAN leather hammock." said Adam. "If only SAMUELDamnit was here to see this mess." "There must be at least 3 lbs of poo there Adam", Eve shouted. Adam concentrated on the pile. "Let's see...5 logs at approximately 1/2 lb each. "2 1/2 pounds to be more exact. You were close, but I did the MATTHEW see." Apologies to all PR's. You see, Psalm jokes are better than others.

TurdyTreeAnaTurd:

This was a treat to read. But you forgot to add something about Adam's ROMAN hands as HEBREW sweet nothings into her ear leading to the ACTS that got Eve into this shitty predicament in the first place! Loved it.

The only one that was funny was CEP's "Maxine Waters".

Did you hear the Bobbitts have found the Lord and reconciled? They've even become Sunday School teachers: She's teaching Acts, and he's teaching Second Peter.

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Poop Shooter hits the nail on the head. How could anyone write about the ejection from the Garden of Eden without bringing the serpent analogy into Eve's poop?!

Of course, she painfully gave birth to an evil serpent of her own! The Great Brown Snake of original Poop Sin.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

TurdyTreeAnaTurd, I laughed so hard on your entry. We should give you some credit for it! That was hilarious!

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Broccoli!

I agree, TSV. Great comment!

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Wow, the theological depth of this conversation is commendable. I would submit that the poo before the "fall" and the poo afterwards are really the same poo viewed from a different lens. It's not that the poo in the Garden didn't smell bad, it smelled the same but the perception of the smell was different.

"This was embarrassing. In the Garden, it had never been embarrassing."

This is entirely the truth. What we have witnessed it the birth of Shameful Shitting not the inception of a stinky shit.

Therefore, I find it most appropriate to call this the "Pile of Self-Denial."

I thank you.

Crackster, that was pootiful. The only suggested change I would make is "Vile Pile...."

The silly conundrum "Adam and Eve and Pinch-Me-Quick' continues to run through my mind... Anyone readers old enough to remember this one?

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"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

PooperGal is right. I think this is where I'm going to end up:

"Eve’s stomach twisted. Still looking up, she squatted and brought forth from her fundament the foul of man. The wriggling brown serpent stunk terrifically; and with all that roughage, it was tremendous. In the Garden, she hadn’t really paid much attention to her poop; it certainly had never been preceded by such pain nor pursued by such odor. This was embarrassing. In the Garden, it had never been embarrassing."

It will still be subject, to revision, of course, but that's pretty damn good.

That combines Poopergal and Dumpster. Dumpster, please email me your address so I can send you a Journal. Poopergal, I'm pretty sure you already have one; please email me your address so I can give you something equally cool.

Thanks, everyone! Now if only someone can help me understand how to make Bakhtin's theories on the carnivalesque flow smoothly into Kundera's theory about kitsch...

Goodness! The last time I personally won something, it was my divorce case! Thanks, Dave.

This was a lot of fun. I didn't realize we had so many Bible scholars on the site. We've collectively made a veritable Tower of Dribble.

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"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

Concrapulations to both of you!

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

Just say it like it is, RD: Nice brown-nosing, Dumpster.... Did you ask Dave if he wanted to bend over so you could blow some more brown sugar up his butt?

Bitter, dejected slighly dewy Bunghole picks herself off and gently wipes....

Congratulations Poopergal and Dumpster. Dave, could it be "The wriggling brown serpent stunk terri-fecal-ly"?
Maybe Poopergal will get some Explode-o-pop like Letterman gives out.

Woo-hoo! The contest is over. Now I don't have to keep explaining to Mom why I'm groaning at the computer. (Great phrases, by the way, guys!)

Congratulations, PG and Dumpster!

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Broccoli!

with a little help from some olive oil, she let loose the first UNHOLY SHIT! This was the first known usage of Excrement Unction.