I thought the collection of random, senseless emails you shared from a year ago would drive you to thoughts of suicide.

Epitaph:
Here lies Dave, creator of Poop Report.
After teaching the western world the benefits of squatting, he slipped off the toilet seat and cracked his skull. May he rest in peace.

The most poo-etic way for Dave to die, would be for him to become the poop, like this guy.

........except for the surviving part, of course.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Investigators sifted through the rubble that was a result of a massive explosion in a home in New York yesterday. The first thoughts by authorities were of concern that terrorist activities were being plotted and that weapons of mass destruction were possibly being produced from within the residence. But it has been concluded that this was not the cause of this catastrophic event, and fear of terrorism in this case was unwarranted.

Apparently, a massive pocket of methane had accumulated in the sewer system right under the home of the only victim of this horrible incident. It is believed that the owner of the home was in the midst of defecating when the bubble of methane made its way up through the toilet pipes, and was immediately met head-on with a simultaneous gaseous eruption from the victim. This resulted in a spark, which ignited the gas and resulted in an explosion with such devastating effects that all that remains of the victim are his fingers that were burned to the keyboard of his laptop.

It seems that, according to the information gathered by the forensic investigators, the victim was none other than Dave Praeger—owner and editor of the popular web site devoted to the intellectual appreciation of poop humor. He was logged in to the site and in the process of posting an article about the dangers of defecating when the event that ended his life occurred.

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Always looking out for number two!

That is cute, Dungdady, but we don't get the picture. You need to draw out step two.

You don't want step two.

the_shitman, who was properly banned from Poopreport for describing the disgusting acts of his turd terrorism, meets Dave in a public washroom.
Dave is shocked to see the_shitman in the midst of a terrible act of turd terrorism and realizes he has come face to face with one of PR's worst enemies.
Without hesitation, Dave lunges at the_shitman with full intentions of knocking him to the ground and holding him there while he calls 911 on his cell.
Unfortunately, the stink from the_shitman's "artwork" stops Dave mid-lunge and he is thrown back like a nuclear blast.
the_shitman jumps on this opportunity and starts applying his medium to Dave - the ultimate canvas.
Dave does not die here. Oh no.
Dave dies a few weeks later from Cholera.
Complications arose after Dave became extremely dehydrated and suffered severe hypovolemic shock.
He had mistakenly attributed his symptoms of dehydration, nausea, muscle cramps and diarrhea to a few nights of drinking and dining on his favorite curries.

Dungdaddy, I was just thinking something along the lines of you drawing little arrows pointing down through the bear's digestive tract, and one pointing out his bum onto a little pile on the ground.

I guess that alluding as to what will happen makes it much funnier, though.

Dave decides to go for a daytrip on the train. While on the train (the Shameless shitter he is) decides to go for a routine shit. In he goes and sits on the jerky throne already covered in other peoples pubes and piss.

While Dave was sat on the throne reading the second book (hopefully of a successful poop series) the train is hijacked by terrorists.

Unfortunately for Dave he went out the night before and had a bad case of the beer shits so didn't think twice when he heard the sound of machine gun bullets - thinking it was the sound of his masterpiece coming into form.

As the train is on its way into a head on collision with another train Dave gets to page 6 and starts to get horrid pains in his ringpiece - due to his screams of pain he doesn't notice the screams of terror coming from outside the stall as random members of the public are frightened to death.

As Dave gets to the end of the book the train crashes killing everyone on board. When the rescue team arrive they break down the locked door and find Dave cramped in the tiny stall, still sat on the throne (as there is no-where else to go in there) with his pants round his ankles, a book in his hands and a toilet full of shite.

Due to the incident and the find of both the abstract art in the toilet and the masterpiece which was the book Dave became a household name and an American legend.

After devoting his life to developing a clean fuel source made from human excrement, Dave Praeger has passed away in his home today. He was known for providing a clean fuel alternative to petroleum and credited with directly solving the crises in the Middle East by eliminating the United States interest in the region - for which he recieved a Nobel Peace Prize - and solving global warming by reducing fossil fuel emissions, thereby mending the whole in the ozone layer and saving the polar ice caps. Dave was killed when a box of his own poop he had been saving from childhood fell on him while he was cleaning his garage, trapping him. Doctors estimate that Dave was able to survive for 17 days by eating his own excrement, pieces of which were found in his stomach during autopsy.

Terrorism be mentioned three times already. Is this a sign from God? Dave is the God of Poop. What about the other Gods?

I can think of two scenarios, neither of which I can really write much about. So, anyway, here goes nothin'...

1) Dave is on the toilet minding his own business when a large poop rips him a new one. Some poop gets in the tear and it makes him sick, causing his slow and agonizing death.

2) Some lamer who can't take a little poop humor or someone Dave pissed off somehow plots against Dave, hunts him down, and murders him.

DD, I can see Dave becoming a (the?) God of Poop.

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Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Dave works undercover for The FBI (Fecal Bureau of Investigation).He tries to determine the cause of Turd Terrorism in Paris.While walking past The Eiffel Tower a shit bomber unloads from above.Dave is hit and suffers a fatal blow to the head.Before Dave dies,he leaves a set of clues hand written with his own shit.This sets up the sequel to the The DaVinci Code.The book is going to be called The DaVinci Load.In a sad touch of irony Dave Brown will write the sequel.

Constipation.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fart Poopy, I was thinking along the lines of a close-up of a horribly distended bear spincter in the act of passing Dave's skull.

I'm just plain not creative (cough read name cough) so I'll just create something really twisted, making no sense at all.

Dave gets stranded on a desert island, doesn't eat anything for a week. Gets rescued. Eats a LOT of food, most of which have lots of fiber. His turd is so large, it won't get out of his ass. It keeps getting bigger till Dave explodes.

Did you expect Shakespeare or something?

And Sam, thank you for brighting up my first day of school with that video.

Daphne, as usual, beat me to it...the ultimate irony would be for Dave (and please don't go just yet...I would really like to meet and shake your hand, buddy) to die from NOT pooping, like Elvis.

Dave will get eaten by a large snake, perhaps a green anaconda. It will digest him and then proceed to crap him out, but his clothes and any hair he had will basically remain in-tact. Dave is now a pile of snake shit.

Hmmm, Dave, your going to have nightmares for a week after reading all of these. Here is my scenario:

Dave is driving the country in search of the greatest poop story ever. He is eating everything everyone has ever written about on the site to prove and or disprove the foods potency for creating a good or traumatic poop story. Dave knows no bounds when it comes to authenticating a good poop story. He travles from the East Coast to the West Coast. From Oysters to Beer and Lobster. He finally arives back in Tennessee, or was it Kentucky?? can't remember, but anyways.... He's looking for Gramma Sally's Diner off of old Route 95 near the Grist Mill in a town called Bum-Jack.

He is testing the story of Bunga Din about eating a plate of their famous Pork Rinds with Sweet Pea Gravy and chugging Blatz beer. The story said it would make you have an almost insta-shit upon completing the meal. Dave had on his poop report ID badge and headed into Gramma Sally's Diner. He ordered up a plate of Rinds and Sweet Pea gravy. (and a tall boy of Blatz on draft)

As he crammed the chow (albeit disgusting and gut wrenching) down and chugged the Blatz (enough to upchuck a woodchuck) he started to feel a grumbling in his abdomen. This of cource was not new to Dave, the Master Pooper he is. This time it was different.... very very different....

Dave new it was not looking pretty for his digestive tract. Dave stood and searched for the closest depositry of waste products (aka the shitter). He spies it in the far corner and decides rather than shitting his Fruit-Of-The-Looms, he'de run for it.

As dave gets up, the pains which feel like razor blades pierces his guts. He is not used to this, but forces a mad dash to the loo. As the door flys open, he realizes he is outside and he sees an outhouse that is 110 yards away. Dave starts to cry (tears and all). He is feeling the depths of despair combined with the ideas of stupidity for not believing Bunga's story and having to prove him wrong.

Dave starts to stager outside. The pain is intense and he doubles over. His stomache is getting swollen. He rights himself and looks down only to see his belly growing bigger and bigger. He now looks like one of them beer drinker guys with the no-see-um bellies (it's so big they can't see their members). The pain is unbearable. Another step and his belly doubles in size. Dave is exploding. The toxic mass he consumed has caused a chemicle reaction inside of dave and there is nothing he can do.

Dave thinks of farting, but after 50 years as the professor of poop, he "knows" his spincter and feels it's a bad decision.

Another 10 feet and Dave is swoolen the size of the grape girl on Willy Wonka. Dave falls over and starts to roll down a slight hill, all the while expanding in size. He tries to fart for real this time, but his ass cheeks are so swoolen, nothing comes out. As he rolls down the hill, he picks up some tremendous speed. He looses consciousness midway down the hill. As he nears the bottom of the hill, there is a small country road. A truck is coming. It's a manure truck. The second Dave hits the road, the Manure truck hits Dave. The explosion is so intense, it sends a mushroom cloud 1000 feet into the air.

It takes 5 years for the FBI to figure out what happened down in the valley (which was nicknamed Stinky Ravine in years to come) They finally found enough human DNA to identify the poop of Dave.

So Dave is dead now doing what he loved and is now in Poop Heaven or wherever dead poop gods go to, reigning over the latrines of the world in happy harmony. The End.

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Poop Shooter!

Dave gets blood in his poop and doesn't go to the doctor.

But no . . . that doesn't kill him . . .

The next day he is hit by a reckless driver while riding his bicycle on the side of a busy road (not on the sidewalk.)

Assblaster, I like yours alot.

Can we add that the reckless driver who kills him is his proctologist? This makes his death full circle. Like a sphincter.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Ass Blaster is the only one that has really used irony. In her scenario, the poop master is destined to die a poetic death because of a poo related ailment, but is hit by a car instead. That's irony!
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

AB2K, I would have given you a plus 1 if you had said he was hit by a truck delivering appliances driven by Rob Gwisdala....I am NOT kidding.

Reuters...New York. Google announces acquiring ownership of 2200 websites. In a move that has stunned Wall Street Google has announced they have purchased 22oo websites. The move has shocked investors because Google has never shown any indication it wanted to be a media company, but founder Sergey Brinn said "when we can acquire websites with great traffic but underperforming revenue we will, and with our creativity we will turn a break even site to a big revenue generator by cobranding with new partners to develope synergies leading to a new paradigm (it was at this point that the Reuters reporter keeled over from boredom).

WNYC.com....Police are investigating a mystery on the Upper West Side. Firefighters were called to an upper West Side apartment yesterday in what can only be described as a bizarre tragedy. The resident, Dave Praeger and his wife had just moved into the commodious loft and had completed extensive renovations, neighbours say. Praeger, who had recently sold his business to Google for an undislcosed sum had performed much of the renovations himself. When firefighters arrived Praeger was found bleeding and unresponsive. "The Bidet he had been using seemed to explode or something" said Captain Will Knot. Praeger is survived by his wife and several loving family members, the investigationwill continue.

Moneywatch.com....Boca bidets announces hostile takeover of leading New Jersey supply wholesaler...

Grim news just in from New York - world renowned fecal afficionado and journalist, Dave from Poop Report, was squashed flat today by a speeding 20 ton delivery truck as he crossed the road to his favourite fast food joint. The driver, on his way to deliver the first consignment of JOAP 2 to the main post office, was arrested at the scene.

i bet the truck driver needed to take a shit. That's why he was in such a hurry.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Dave has just dropped the perfect log. It is exactly a foot in length and four inches in diameter. It floats in ethereal elegance like a mahogany luxury liner in a porcelain sea.
So overcome by emotion at the delivery of the epitome of poop perfection, Dave decides it must be preserved for POOsterity. He reaches with trembling hands down into the bowl to lift this log luxuriant to safety. But this is no ordinary turd. Beneath the sheen of elegant brown beauty lies a malevolent sentience. It is brilliant, and it is stark raving mad. As Dave bends closer and closer it bides its time until...with a defiant fartlike sound it expels a single spheroid of undigested corn with deadly accuracy into Dave's brain through his left nostril. Dave's body, with its life quickly ebbing, pitches into the watery void headfirst. And that which was food begins to consume him. The eater becomes the eaten, and the shitter will become the shitten.

That one sounds a little like Toiletman (with a little MI:3 thrown in).

Are you saying Dave doesn't really DIE but is metamorphosed into a sewer-dwelling super poop creature who lurks in the toilet pipes of the shameful for all eternity?

Dave achieves immortality. Though his body appears never to age, his feces continues to become more and more withered, shrivelled, and crumbly (Shades of Dorian Gray)! Eventually all that comes out is a puff of white dust when Dave attempts to have a movement. For the first two or three hundred years this is okay, but then he begins to recall the glory days of magnificent mud movements. "Logs the size of your forearm, and stink like limberger farts!"
Growing more and more despondent, he eventually does the one thing he had to give up to attain this endless existence...he looks at the paper after he goes. Suddenly Dave begins to shrivel up, and after several moments of looking like the crypt keeper, he too turns to white powder and blows away. However in the bowl lies a pristine piece of poop that would do an elephant proud. And man.... does it ever stink!

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"Vini, Vidi, Vomiti" (we came, we saw, we got sick on the plane")

After decades of poop reporting and eating lame foods to produce monster poops, Dave develops a colon problem resulting in a colonostomy. Dave, unable to actually take a sit down and shit gets depressed. No amount of antidepressants can pull him from deapair and his colostomy bag.

He spends years in an insane asylum and eventually dies of old age, dreaming of the "perfect shit" every night.

Ok, not so dramatic, but hey, it could happen!!

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Poop Shooter!

Dave is in Home Depot. He is one of those people for whom rows upon rows of home improvement merchandise stimulate his GI tract (this phenomenon can also be observed in book stores, where just walking into the place makes the sphincter go loopy with anticipation). Dave searches but can't find the bathroom in the damn store. However, he finds the toilet department with its demo setups and decides that a toilet is a toilet. He steps up onto the display platform, drops his pants, and lets it rip. The weight of his bottom on the seat triggers an alarm, and twelve guys in orange vests rush up to apprehend him. They drag him to a secret room in the "Employees Only" section of the Home Depot, and several minutes later, a very lifelike mannequin is placed out in the toilet area to scare away any future customers who might choose to demo-crap.

The Dorian Grey reference is awesome. I really like that one.
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

HE JUST DIES CUZ NOBODIE GIVE A SHIT

A guy is driving his car to a PETA/DNC/Gay pride rally. Samdamnit, in the passenger seat leans over to perform a lewd act on him, distracting him and causing him to swerve into a porta potty. The porta potty falls over on its door, spilling the contents of a full crap tank and knocking out a citizen who was inside taking a crap, causing him to drown in a pool of human shit. That citizen was known as Dave from Poopreport.

C. Evelyn... No fair; making two posts in a row.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Stop laming me. I am a genius, obviously.

I really think Dave will die a simple death, by a method I've seen a number of times in my line of work. Dave will get very constipated for about a week, then the moment will arrive to evacuate, he'll sit down and push with all his might, but the kicker is that while he's pushing, he slows his heart rate down, a condition called the vagal manuver, causing a loss of blood to his brain, killing him within minutes. Can you picture it, an un-wiped Dave, dead on his throne, the King of Poopreport. It can happen. I've seen it before.
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I love ice cream and cheese, but they don't love me back.

Yes, and maybe he'll die in the "Bungle Room" instead of the Jungle Room......

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

So Dave, how do you think you will die???? What kind of dreams have you been having latley since this thread started?

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Poop Shooter!

With thunderous fart and mighty surge
Dave his bowel starts to purge.
He grunts and groans, mightily strains
Then out of his ass pop hemorrhoid veins.
In a quandry - what to do?
He only came to take a poo.
He grasps the 'roid in grip that's tight
And pulls on it with all his might.
Lips atremble, eyes crossed with pain,
Poor old Dave just goes insane.
With drawers at ankle, mind gone mad,
Dashes into street (pity poor lad),
Along comes car and smacks him flat.
Dave is gone and that is that.

Ok Dave, this will be how your death sounds on the 5:00 news.......: Former founder of Poopreport.com was killed this morning as he sat typing on his portable laptop, at the local park. He was run down by a ten wheeler on its way to the local swerage treatment plant, with a full load of raw sewerage. The driver, claimed he ate at Mc Donalds shortly prior to the incident, and was speeding because he had to go to the bathroom, but police know that the driver is just full of shit. Back to you at the studio.___

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Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

Dave was full of shit & died of constipation! :)

like frank zappa dying of ass cancer... err, prostate? close enough. adding you to my friends on myspace! I'm saramonster. word up browners, long time no see.

Dave goes on holiday to Mexico and overindulges in undercooked tacos, tamales and Mescal.

Unknown to him, one of those tamales contained dozens of tapeworm eggs, which were cultivated in a fecund stew of beer, mescal and Dave`s gut juices.

On arrival back in New York, the fiends have grown considerably and are feeding off all the poor Dave can eat. Dave eats more and more, his shits dwindle and eventually stop as the worms are taking everything he consumes.

After 2 months his bung heals over, and yet he continues to grow fat. On reaching 30 stone Dave has forgotten what taking a dump felt like. Two weeks later he explodes.

Doh! - should be "all that poor Dave can eat", not "the".

The real irony about Erwin is that he was killed by one of the least dangerous creatures he exposed himself to. With the most poisons bugs and most venomous snakes right in his back yard he goes and gets stabbed in the heart by a manta ray. They let you pet these things at Sea World! I read the other day that some looneys have “taken revenge” and killed a bunch of manta rays. I’m sure Steve Erwin would not approve of that.

So maybe Dave should be killed by one of the safest pooping related activities, wiping.

This is how it happens:

His local market was out of his usual brand of toilet paper so he had to venture into unknown waters and purchase a different brand. It looked harmless and promises absorbency. He hesitates, but being the brave adventurer that he was and relying on the knowledge he had acquired from previous close calls he goes ahead with the decision. He was in his element after all. He knew how to handle sticky situations if they aroused. Just like Erwin the urge for satisfaction came one morning. However, that morning the thing he knew and trusted would betray him. The clear blue water beaconed. After much toil a wave of satisfaction overcame him and he knew it was time to resurface. He was running late this expedition had taken to much time. In one graceful move, rivaled only by ballet dancers, he pulled the TP and whipped. He instantly felt a pain that penetrated to his very core. As he looked at the bloodied TP he instantly realized his mistake. The killer TP was not soft and gentle, but coarse and abrasive. In his haste he had wipe too briskly and ruptured a bulging hemorrhoid. Dave bled out in the clear blue water that day. His fans, friends and family were left to wonder how this could have happened to a bloke like Dave. He had always seemed to be in complete control.

As revenge some of his fans went on a rampage smashing toilets and burning TP, but that’s not what Dave would have wanted.

The last time I was at Sea World, I'm pretty sure they mentioned that the rays you can pet have been "de-stinger'd". So they ARE dangerous to an extent.

Obviously.

1) In trying to dislodge the plunger from his new hi-tech washlet toilet, Dave's arms get sucked into the void. Unable to move, he dies of asphyxiation from the fumes of the "one that clogged the bowl."

2) After a colossal 4 cheese pizza, Dave gets the worst constipation he has ever experienced. While recuperating, the number of unchecked email and stories to be uploaded continues to pile up. Dave's server overloads, his PC short-cicuits and he dies, constipated, in a terribel house fire.

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Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

One day, Dave is particularly discouraged by his bulging bowels and decides to relax his reluctant sphincter by taking a warm bath. Settling in for a long soak, he takes his latest poopological manuscript with him for a little mental stimulation. Unfortunately for Dave, it fails to ignite those neurons and he begins to nod off. As we all know, warm water is a very effective mode of relaxation and Dave's poosterior ceases to grip. Like smoke filling a room, Dave's velvety excrement begins curling into the watery depths. The combination of slime and sleepiness causes Dave to slide downward in the chocolatey swamp. He soon pleasantly drowns in a mocha meltdown.

His demise is discovered after a few days (Dave's wife was visiting her inlaws to get a break from his obsession). In the interim, the combination of heat and airlessness in the loo cause his body to decay into the fecal fecundity. It was impossible to conduct a proper burial, so with grave intention (and a blowtorch) his poohbearers carefully removed the entire tub of tepid tapioca whereupon it was transported in a procession to the local sewage plant. (Tears were shed by all as the path was marked by a brownish dribble leaking from the tub.) It was there that Dave "became one" with the universe of pooh (poohniverse?). No explosions, no Titanic turds, no truck accidents -- just a gentle interment into the next dimension, where the spirit lives and breathes pooh as it faces the next evolutionary challenge in the quest to join the Almighty Excremental Being.

Peace be with you brother! May all your turds be perfect in the next life!

Great entries, fellow poopers. I feel the turd of Damocles dangling above my head as I type this. This contest has closed... voting will begin soon. Unless, before I get around to it... you know. XXXXXXX

Voting for this contest has begun!

Hey, Dung Daddy, is that a wild bear? If he's wild, we could look for Dave's remains in The Woods. If he's tame, however, we could look in a Catholic Church when the Pope is in town.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.