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Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production Caption Contest

Posted 04.21.2009 by Dave (11977)
Those of you lucky enough to own Volume II of the Journal of Ass Production might remember the cartoon caption contest on the back page That contest was never properly resolved. Let's revisit it now!


Art by Dan Meth.

CONTEST INTRO (as written in 2006):

If you're a hoity-toity New York intellectual like me, then you pick up The New Yorker every week for its perceptive writing, its wry humor, and for the way it makes you look when other people see you reading it. In 2005, the eighty-one-year-old magazine introduced a cartoon caption contest on its back page—a chance for budding Thurbers to earn bragging rights at their next Move-On.org meetup.

What’s good enough for that august publication is good enough for this one! Submit your idea as to what the driver might be saying. We'll pick three captions, and the best one will receive a copy of my book (or something equally likely to make any reader of The New Yorker feel slightly ill)!

Submit your captions below!

Maximus Poopius (18) -- 04.21.2009

The guys at "Poopreport" are never gonna believe this story.....


_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

Thunderbox (1357) -- 04.21.2009

I like a bit of anal on the first date.

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.21.2009

You need a stronger deodorant honey.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.21.2009

I"m not going to kiss you until you do something about that breath.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Thunderbox (1357) -- 04.21.2009

So...have you had much success with this internet dating thing before?

Anonymous Cowherd (not verified) -- 04.21.2009

I don't have a copy of the Journal of Ass Production. ! Will you be selling it again?

I'll Never Own Up To It (not verified) -- 04.21.2009

Have I ever told you how much you feel like CEP but smell like Doniker?

Deja Poo (966) -- 04.21.2009

Your bog or mine?

I'll Never Own Up To It (not verified) -- 04.21.2009

Is that cat fur? You've been seeing Bilgepump again, haven't you?

Bran Lover (655) -- 04.21.2009

...there was this time that I was crapped out. I mean I was pooped!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

SmudgePot (18) -- 04.21.2009

Honey, you're the Shit!

Frank2401 (204) -- 04.21.2009

Honey, you are so corny.

Squat-n-leaveit (540) -- 04.21.2009

Another Match.com success story.

Great comment! +1 point
Bilgepump (2747) -- 04.21.2009

Darling, you look a little flushed...


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.21.2009

I love you poopsy.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.21.2009

A Roll of paper underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread-and Thou
Beside me stinking in the Wilderness-
O, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

With sincere apologies to Omar Khayyam.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

DR T (22) -- 04.21.2009

Honey, your the BEST poop I've had!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.21.2009

Here, take this box of tic tacs!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Just-in (not verified) -- 04.22.2009

I love a big shit.

ChiliKahKah (957) -- 04.22.2009

You are not thinking of dumping me. Are you ?

Great comment! +1 point
daphne (4391) -- 04.22.2009

"It was at this point that Stephen realized his mistake in answering Stella's personal ad. When she described herself as 'hot shit' she was serious."


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

MSG (1142) -- 04.22.2009

Chief--

Third line--

"And thou beside me stinking in the wilderness"

Blind Mullet (534) -- 04.22.2009

I was thinking along the same lines as daphne. I think the guy behind the wheel is saying "When my buddies said they'd line me up with a shit-hot date, I thought..."
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Great comment! +1 point
SmudgePot (18) -- 04.22.2009

Normally I'd ask you to wear your seatbelt, but that may be a problem if I have to stop suddenly.

Great comment! +1 point
SmudgePot (18) -- 04.22.2009

Oh man.. I thought it said "Car Poo Lane"!

sittingpretty (2317) -- 04.22.2009

Check your shoes, i think one of us stepped in shit.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.22.2009

MSG said on 4.22.09

"Chief--

Third line--

"And thou beside me stinking in the wilderness"

Thanks MSG, I have edited your word into the comment, it sounds much better that way, I feel sure that Omar would approve.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Poopsy McGee (233) -- 04.22.2009

"I hope you remembered the wet wipes for the aftermath."

Great comment! +1 point
spattacus (205) -- 04.22.2009

"OK, but no tongue, right?"

sittingpretty (2317) -- 04.22.2009

Oooh! Did someone leave a dirty diaper in the backseat?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty (2317) -- 04.22.2009

Wow! You look like shit! I-- uh uh, I mean you look great. Is that new perfume you're wearing? It smells like an outhouse.Oh sorry, meant a new house.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty (2317) -- 04.22.2009

You feel hot, do you have fever?br>_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SmudgePot (18) -- 04.22.2009

Now I understand why you don't have a nose.

SmudgePot (18) -- 04.22.2009

"McDonalds again?? Well, you know what they say.. you are what you eat."

Great comment! +1 point
SmudgePot (18) -- 04.22.2009

"Astrid, how could you possibly need to use the bathroom?"

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.22.2009

Want to drive past the sewage plant and wave at your relatives?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.22.2009

Yes, I'm having my nose operation tomorrow, why do you ask?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.22.2009

For some reason I want to go to that new German restaurant that features limberger cheese.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Curtiss E. Flush (15) -- 04.22.2009

Hope nobody already used this one:

And at that point he knew, this had to be the shittiest date ever!


_______
Hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

cornleg (161) -- 04.22.2009

I'm pregnant.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.22.2009

is that corn or are you just happy to see me?
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

ChiefThunderbutt (2712) -- 04.22.2009

Hey baby, how about some corn on the cob!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

cornleg (161) -- 04.22.2009

I don't care if its a boy or a girl just as long as is has my eyes and your corn
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Bran Lover (655) -- 04.22.2009

I vote for cornleg's "is that corn or are you just happy to see me?"
OMG

Breathe Bran Lover, Breathe! I'm verklempt. You all keep discussing....


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Maximus Poopius (18) -- 04.23.2009

And that's the last time I kiss a frog princess....

_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

Great comment! +1 point
Logjam (2801) -- 04.23.2009

Oh, going down is my speciality.

SmudgePot (18) -- 04.23.2009

"So tell me dear, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poop?

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Not only am I dirty in bed I talk real filth too".

50 scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I love it up the ass"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Let's stop for a few drinks first, I'm dying for some mello yello"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I've been meaning to eat more fiber"

Great comment!
50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Funny you should mention that, I'm kinda close to the Bush's"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Is it just me or does something really stink in here?"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I understand doniker, you're a shameful shitter, we'll just go back to my place then"

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

I've been around and around and around and around"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I hate lies, like "Mission Accomplished", "you get more flies with honey"...

Great comment!
A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I was given up for adoption, my birth mother was an asshole".

Great comment!
50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"What did you expect, dialing a number found in a washroom"?

Great comment!
A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I have a sister but she's a real mess".

50 Scents also a New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I saw Jenny while shopping Dave, she doesn't suspect a thing".

David Remnick (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"This sure beats hanging out".

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I love music, just promise me when we get married our first song will be "Up Where We Belong" and not "Wipe Out"".

David Remnick's attorney (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

These scatological references indicating association between this website and the Conde Naste publication "The New Yorker" shall cease and desist or we will be forced to take unprecedented legal action, you have been warned!.

P.S. My caption would be "As long as we don't cross state lines we should be safe, this is Utah isn't it?"

Eustace Tilley (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Let me cogitate your proposal you supercilious knickerbocker"

David Remnick (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

As our attorney has previously outlined "The New Yorker" is a copyrighted production and has no affiliation or relationship with this website. It is with great dismay that I see most comments or purported captions don't capture the zeitgeist of this great American publication. To capture the true essence of "The New Yorker" a caption must be not just a non sequitur but also encompass the soupcon of New York. A good example would be the following caption:

"And the cabbie says "stick it up your ass lady"".

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Can we pull over, I really gotta go"

Deja Poo (966) -- 04.23.2009

In that spirit then,

"Well, Mrs. Remnick, your bog or mine?"
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Mrs. Remnick (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

Sorry Deja Poo, I'm already engaged in a tête-à-tête with 50 Scent.

Oh, my caption would be:

"Do you like it, it's an Eau De Toilet I picked up at Bergdorf Goodman"

Deja Poo (966) -- 04.23.2009

I apologize for the confusion, Mrs. Remnick. I was proposing that as a caption for the picture. While I'm sure that you would make a lovely date, as a matter of taste, I like my shit smeared on walls and not all over my car seats. But thank you for the kind consideration all the same.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Deja Poo (966) -- 04.23.2009

Another possible caption:

"So, you won't be offended if I treat you like shit?"
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Deja Poo (966) -- 04.23.2009

Yet another possibility:

"Do you know my friends Sanchez and Carl?"
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Don't be so nervous, this is the Bronx, no one will notice".

J. Perriman Winslow III ESQ. (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Oh Billy, I love it when you squeeze my nuts"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Fuck this shit, I hate messy romances"

Britney Spears (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"so I'm like to Lindsay "oh, like you're shit don't smell""?

daphne (4391) -- 04.23.2009

Oh Christ. If I could give six + points to the "my mother was an asshole" comment, I would.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I don't care how we get to New Jersey, we are NOT taking the Lincoln tunnel!"

50 Scent as The New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"so from Enron I went to Citibank, then to Wells Fargo and voila, here I am, AIG, the bigtime!"

Great comment!
The New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"would you mind pulling up to the next pay phone, I just want to call home to make sure the kids are outta the pool"

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"why are you looking so shocked, I just said my name was Tanya Hyde".

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Call me kinky if you want, proctologists really turn me on!"

50 Scent (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"I'm a New Yawk girl, grew up in the Bowelry".

cornleg (161) -- 04.23.2009

Damn as soon as I left the house this morning i got it........

"No offense but your dad's an asshole."

I called the girlfriend to post it for me...yeah yeah I will.... then went back to sleep.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

TootsiePop (15) -- 04.23.2009

Scheisse! Ya!

cornleg (161) -- 04.23.2009

Although, I like the idea that he's the one pregnant because he has to take a dump.

Something like maybe...

____ "Your dads a real asshole...and just wait till he finds out I'm pregnant"
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Squat-n-leaveit (540) -- 04.23.2009

So the chief has read the Rubaiyat. No surprise there. A thousand year old poem finds it's way into poopreport. The enigmatic Omar would be pleased.

realripsnorter (70) -- 04.23.2009

"I think the windows are steaming up"

Dave (11977) -- 04.23.2009

"I don't care how we get to New Jersey, we are NOT taking the Lincoln tunnel!"

Now THAT is New Yorker humor! Love it!

Mrs. Mad Crapper (1012) -- 04.23.2009

Wow you look nothing like your picture on the internet. You either I thought you said you were a blonde.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

A New Yorker Reader (not verified) -- 04.23.2009

"Sure we can go to my place, but I have to warn you, it's a mess".

Nine Inch Log (564) -- 04.24.2009

I keep telling you honey, I don't want any kids. They'll just be a bunch if shitheads.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

spattacus (205) -- 04.24.2009

"Can you turn the heat down - car heaters play havoc with my complexion".

Great comment! +1 point
spattacus (205) -- 04.24.2009

"And then the keeper yelled "DON'T STAND BEHIND THE ELEPHANT; HE'S ABOUT TO.....""

Mrs. Mad Crapper (1012) -- 04.24.2009

Honey I think there's some corn stuck in your teeth.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Great comment! +1 point
Maximus Poopius (18) -- 04.24.2009

So I said - pillar of salt? Cant you think of something a little more 2009?....
_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

Maximus Poopius (18) -- 04.24.2009

Excretia and Billy both agreed that it had been a crap night out.

_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

I love you too but I want a divorce...I just can't go on pretending you're not a(pick one)Republican,Democrat
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

I hope your were ready to start a family; I had Taco Bell for lunch and I didn't use protection
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Great comment! +1 point
cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

It's not you it's me.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

...And then, as the hypnosis slowly started to wear off, the distant sounds of the uncontrollable laughter of hundreds of nightclub strangers began to fade in...
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

Oh yeah baby, all the guys at the office consider you a real S.H.I.L.F.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Anonymous Lipo (not verified) -- 04.24.2009

Shit, let's do lunch!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

Something tells me your in the mood to get laid.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Great comment! +1 point
cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

Seeeeesh, whats eaten you?
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

I can't believe its not butthair.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.24.2009

Oh uh yeah its a new model...uh French I think..they call it a "Peo' Es"
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

daphne (4391) -- 04.24.2009

Hey you guys, how many of you actually have the Journals of Ass Production? The first Journal is sold out (sucks to be you all, because it's a CLASSIC), but the second Journal is still available.

They are both prime bathroom material.

Dave, do you think that you'd ever make a second printing of the first Journal? I have copies of the second one that I still can send to people for Christmas presents, but it would have been nice to send them in tandem.

Some of my favorite stories ever had to be from MasterCrapper and G Ras in that Journal 1.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

realripsnorter (70) -- 04.25.2009

Did you fart?

Dave (11977) -- 04.25.2009

Daphne -- I'd love to, if it made economic sense. Although it has gotten a lot easier to get things printed professionally since then... hmmm.... I wonder if I still have 2003-compatible design software on my computer...

daphne (4391) -- 04.26.2009

Well, I wouldn't mind having a few more copies of the first journal. I can't be the only one.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

HowleyKook (119) -- 04.26.2009

Do you smell something funny?
_______
Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

daphne (4391) -- 04.26.2009

Herro Kowkmeister. How goes it? Bring me any icing?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

cornleg (161) -- 04.26.2009

Yes! having the first one would great!
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

spattacus (205) -- 04.27.2009

"Eeww! Garlic breath, Buddy - Hang on, I've got some mints in my handbag."

Mark V (not verified) -- 04.27.2009

This is just a re-write of an earlier one:

"Wait, YOU can't dump ME!!??!!"

plop cop (115) -- 04.27.2009


Oh I'm used to a turtle poking out so seriously, when we get close to town, you wouldn't mind crawling back into the shell for a bit would you?

plop cop (115) -- 04.27.2009


Mother always claimed my taste in women was for shit...

Great comment! +1 point
Bilgepump (2747) -- 04.27.2009

Why didn't you go before we lef....OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

plop cop (115) -- 04.27.2009


At least now I won't be the only one around called shit for brains...

plop cop (115) -- 04.28.2009


My Boss says I'm a shitty employee, my best friend says my breath smells like shit, Dad says I have shit for brains, and Mom says my life is in the toilet! You're the only one who gets me.....

Leah Anne (not verified) -- 04.28.2009

GUY:Well, I'm sorry to have to cut this short, but I think I'm about to have diarhea.
POOP:Oh,Dakota,you have such a corny sense of humor!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

"So thats why you never wanted to stay out after midnight."
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

"On second thought, why don't we go to MY place."
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

"Yeah, yeah...everyone thinks their hometown is the asshole of the country."
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

"So what was a dump like you doing in a girl like that?"
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

'I've always had a thing for brown-eyed girls."
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg (161) -- 04.28.2009

'So, if it hadn't been for Ex-Lax, you'd have been an Aquarius too!"
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Bran Lover (655) -- 04.28.2009

Cornleg, did you get any work done today at work?

Just curious.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Humanure Guy (not verified) -- 05.04.2009

Did you step in dog shit?

TonyK (not verified) -- 05.04.2009

"You said your last name was Sanchez, right?"

booby (not verified) -- 10.04.2009

You may want to buckle up. If we got into an accident, you could die-arrhea.

sittingpretty (2317) -- 10.05.2009

Hi booby.. I nicknamed my little brother booby in 1965. At that time I didn't know booby was slang for a breast. I still call him booby and he doesn't mind
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

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