There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Who lifted his septic lid off,
He fell into the pit
Head first in the shit,
Thereafter was plagued by a cough.

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
Who lifted his septic lid off
Head first into the pit
He fell into his shit
And went to the caucus smelling like shit

See I am having trouble tying it in to the Iowa Caucus HELLLLLLLP.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Now here's a true tale, please don't scoff,
'Bout an 'Ewww in the poo!' from Bob Shoff,
He fell into his septic,
Which made him dyspeptic,
And his wife said, "The marriage is off!"

_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

An Iowan named Shoff once did slip,
Went face first in his own septic pit,
The fireman said,
As he hosed off Shoff's head,
"He's lucky his ass didn't fit

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
who one night in the middle of a bloody good boff

heard the shrieks of the very youngest Shoff
“Daddy, Daddy the potty is broken the lid’s blown off”

With a shutter and a shake he donned his skivvies ran out to the trough
only to slip in headlong with bare feet kicking… oh yes his shoes were off

After an hour of wonder as to what had stopped her own bloody good boff
did the lady of the house, the lovely Mrs. Shoff
go to seek her suitor and find him still in said trough.

With quick and unyielding tug on his wood and a snicker and scoff
did the lovely Mrs. Shoff unearth her man, and got him off!!!

_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

I no longer grunt when I poo,
Or scream when I go number two.
The insides of my ass
were polished like glass,
and Teflon'd, so nothing sticks, too!

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
Whose septic tank said "That's enoff!
"I'm tired of your shit,
and I'm gonna quit!"
So it trouser-coff'd all over Schoff.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
who, like Teflon, everything just slipped off.
But when to fix his clogged-up toilet bowl,
He Humpty-Dumptied into his septic's poop hole,
It took all the city's firemen to get Shoff's shit-off.

There once was an Iowan named Rob
He went down to clear out a blob
As he looked in the hole
For what clogged up his bowl
He noticed some corn on the cob

My T-shirt size is XL

CEP, that is some funny shit!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I'm not going to submit a limerick until I can think about this... but in the meantime, Anomalous, prairie, and CEP have done a tremendous job! Not to mention it's been a long time since I've ever seen anyone who's been able to rhyme "dyspeptic" correctly, Wiper. I loved that!

Excellent contest idea.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Someone PLEASE give CEP a T shirt that is a GREAT ONE!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I hear Shoff put up a brave fight
with his septic tank, Christmas Eve night.
When finally found,
all but legs underground,
all he said was "Hey, where's the Coor's Light?"

And...one with the given first line:

There once was an Iowan named Shoff;
Slipped and fell, with the shit-tank lid off.
You can't sniff out a clog
with your head in the bog.
All you'll find is last night's Rice Pilaf.

Nice one Fudgie!!!

On a dark fridgid night near Dubuque,
Head submerged in his own fecal dook,
Shoff did the poop dance,
And upside down shit his pants,
Yelling "Help me I think I'm gonna puke"

You're definitely right on the money about this story, Logjam: it's a great one for inspiring limericks. I've got another 3 or 4 bouncing around in my head right now. Are multiple submissions OK? Or should I stop now and cherish my "Great..."?

Fudgie, keep 'em coming. I'll fight you tooth and nail for the shirt.

Dave, if it is only one submission per person then I will withdraw my second one and re-submit it under one of my other personalities.

A midwestern clogger named Bert
Lost his phone from the front of his shirt
Poor Bert was unhappy
His cell phone was crappy
It landed in last night's dessert

An Iowan dude named Shoff
fell in a poop tank
Oh how it stank
It really was rank
the pigs wouldn't even go to the trough.

I tried. I'm not a poet and I damn sure know it.

Ok ill try it...

When the iowan sat upon his can,
He dropped a deuce the size of a ham

When his toilet bowl clogged, his wife cryed and sobbed, to see her man head head first in the ____

I can't think of a good word to put there. Guess I don't win the shirt.

Brown jam

Fudgepump. Multiple entries are not only permitted but encouraged. Like pancakes, the best limericks usually aren't the first out of the pan.

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Upon hearing his tale you will scoff,
Then write a limerick,
Because you are so sick,
That's how PoopReporters get off.

Tho' the blockage was not caused by him,
Ol' Shoff cleared it out, then fell in,
He was covered in the goo,
From a years worth of poo,
And a tampon was stuck to his chin.

'Twas Christmas ol' Shoff made the news
by diving head first in poo ooze.
When asked for a reason,
He said without blinkin,
"Well, no one likes shit on their shoes."

prairie,that last one is my favorite. You are Poopreport's Poolaureate.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Thank you, Daphne. This one is for you, then I'm going to sleep.
The Aftermath:
Tho' he looked like a wet teddy bear,
Shoff was none the worse for the wear,
Though he showered quite well,
And got rid of the smell,
A month later he found some corn in his hair.

Hey Dumpster Doo? How long ya going to make us wait before gracing us with some verse?

Bob Schoff made a fateful decision;
walked into the snow with a vision.
Head-first in the shit tank...
no equal to that stank;
Bob quickly regretted his mission.

I wonder if old Bob Shoff realizes he is now a legend.

pd: I'm sure the guys who pulled him out will remember him...

Ol' Bob Shoff made the firefighters' day.
Shit spelunking, his face led the way.
For the local FD,
it was something to see;
"This guy's TANKED" was all they had to say.

A slap-happy chappy named Shoff,
Felt as gross as a pig at the trough,
When in sewage he fell,
He survived it to tell,
That he'd rather be diving for muff.

br>_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Wiper, you caught me off guard with that one!!! Nice!!

Much worse than a lump of black coal,
Old man Schoff done fell in the shithole,
On Christmas Eve, no less...
So goodnight, and God bless,
The old fool who now stinks of skatole

Part of my campaign to promote diversity! Heh!

_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Wiper, I had envisioned the Shoff's as older, slightly overweight mid-westerners. Your last line killed me (and a few of my other personalities). Here is one back at you.

On a fridgid night much to Shoff's chagrin,
In his own cesspit he fell in,
He said "Its not quite the norm,
But its really quite warm,
So I think that I'll go for a swim."

A question born of the observation that none of the PR women have yet contributed a limerick -- Is it, somehow, a male-oriented form? It does strike me that it helps in writing one to fancy myself standing, with swagger, at a urinal. This is one reason that Shoff's misfortune seems so appropriate to the form.

The lack of female limericks may be attributable to the fact that many of them grew up resenting the following:

There was once a girl from Nantucket...

'Nuff said?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

I think it is connected to the fact that it would be highly unlikely that a woman would be bent over a cesspit trying to unclog it. Perhaps they are having trouble identifying with the scenario. Believe me, whenever the honey dipper visits my house I am right there staring over his shoulder. I find it facinating, and a source for new material.

I think it has more to do with the female insecurity. They won't try anything new for fear of failure or the chance of being ridiculed. Just my $.02.

Boy, Im glad it was your $.02. Daphne your thoughts?

Oh God. You guys.

Well, I married a man who was in the Army and went overseas 7 months pregnant with no family to be with a man I hadn't spent two months with yet to give birth in a German hospital an entire ocean away from everything and everyone I know, full-well aware that I wouldn't be able to come home for a few years and had to adapt, so yes. We are terrifed wallflowers who need to be coddled, cuddled, and led around by the nose. Hold me, I'm scared.

OK then, I'll try this limerick business, but I'm not promising anything as good as yours, prairie.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

CEP, can we get a report on your next poop? I would be interested to know if it comes out of one hole or two.

It could be that females are less delighted by rhymes about poop. I, for one, think about it on and off all day long. I know Dungmommy would think about it only long enough to tell me I'm a disgusting slob.

Holt shit! I think we are married to the same woman.

Well, you know what they say, go with what you know. Don't be mean....

He fell hard, that man from Des Moines,
And disappeared up to his groin.
But it was worth the rank stank,
When from we heard from tank,
"Oh look, I found Daphne's lost coin!"

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Thunderous Crapper is having trouble...

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
For whom pooptankwork was no putoff,
He cried for his mamma
All he got was Obama
Who then for New Hampshire did takeoff.

Bravo! Have you laid claim to the coin?

And for the misogynist in all of us, since we're bashing the ladeeth............

Bob Schoff took a tumble and fell
Into a crap-infested Hell
When asked 'bout the view,
He yelled, "Nothing new,"
"When your wife looks as bad as the smell!"

Har!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Ok you asked for it!

Mrs. Shoff was busy "Decking the Halls",
When she heard her mans desperate calls,
He was stuck upside down,
Surrounded by half his hometown,
As they hoisted him out by his balls.

I told this story some time ago on another thread. But in response to your comment above, prarie doggin, I have to related it again. I was standing behind a crusty pump guy some years ago as he popped the lid off our septic. He stared down into the slurry with a puzzled expression. After about 5 seconds, he looked up at me and asked, "Do you live here alone?" (Really liked your last one. Nice)

They are hero's in my eyes. I couldn't do it. I have dedicated my last limerick to my honey dipper. Thank you Mr. A.

When out of her window she spotted
her husband in the septic firmly potted,
the misses grew nervous
and arranged his funeral service,
but damned if Shoff simply sprouted.

An Iowa man name of Bob,
Got stuck on a real Dirty Job.
The firemen ran to and fro,
as he yelled down below:
"Next time I'll just call up Mike Rowe!"

Hey Prairie Dog, better watch the insults or Bunga will ban you. We'll see who is the better limereck writer when I am proudly wearing my new Shameless Shitter T shirt, white, XL, thanks. As for my female psyche analysis, I'm sure it was wrong, like everything else guys know about women. Can you do better?

I dont care if I win or lose. I'm in it for the fun. As far as figuring out women, I learned long ago, that saying nothing is often the best reply. Peace.

There once was an Iowan named Shoff..
Dunked in grogans with the septic lid off
No Christmas eve loving
His smell a Dutch oven
Looks like Bob ended up jerking off.

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
Christmas eve ended up a right off
Upside down in a tank
The odor quite rank
Tis true, no need to scoff!

Maybe, then, there are women, and then there are PR women.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Who sharted everytime that he coughed,
His pants turned brown,
He slipped and fell down,
And ended his night with a scoff.

The Christmas tree appeared so fair;
The stockings were hung with such care.
But Santa's gaze lead
To the backyard instead,
Where two feet were stuck up in the air.

"Hot shit!" he exclaimed, "What's that smell?'
"And look where that poor old man fell!'
"Of all the bad places'
"To stick your poor faces'
"About that one I sure wouldn't tell!"

"Then help me out Now!" shouted Shoff.
He was starting to get real pissed off.
At the fat men in red
Who stood there instead,
Eating fruitcake as if at a trough.

"Go fuck yourself Bob!" Laughed Saint Nick,
Who wasn't that terribly quick,
To rescue the guy
With shit in his eye
If the fruitcake he serves tastes this sick.

The foodstuff he held for inspection,
Was filled red and green reflection,
From nasty dried fruit
That would make his butt toot,
And was as hard as a porn king's erection.

"You'll stay there!" Claus roared, "Don't you fight this!'
"This crap's started up my colitis!'
"I'd thought it was gone,'
"But this cake brought it on'
"And only one thing could possibly right this!'

"What's that!?" cried Bob Shoff, filled with dread.
"Please come get me out now instead!'
"NO way!" shouted Nick,
"You've earned this you dick.'
"And so you'll remain on your head!"

"There will always be those Christmas Eves'
"For Santa to give his reprieves'
"But bad fruitcake treat,'
"Most always will meet'
"A septic tank as Santa leaves!"

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

There once was an Iowan called Shoff,
Checking his shit tank whilst jerking off.
He tugged hard at his meat,
Then tripped over his feet,
Headlong in turds as his cock shot off.

:::bows down to Daphne:::
WE'RE UNWORTHY! WE'RE UNWORTHY! WE'RE UNWORTHY!
(grovel... grovel...)

He hung through the hole upside-down,
Feet flailing and face covered brown.
And trapped by the waist,
he was now forced to taste,
the crap he pushed out by the pound.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Robo, that was the best!! Shit in the mouth always wins in my book!

"Goddammit" yelled Bob as he fell
Head first into his own well
When they pulled his ass out
All he could do was spout
"My water sure has a strange smell"

I think it is time to give credit where credit is due.

It matters not whether it yours or its mine,
He's inspired many a quality rhyme,
Just remember who "took the hit"
And ate his own familys shit,
Mr Shoff, you're a legend in your own time.

Bombs Away!! (I'm gonna stretch a little with this one...)

On a topic a bit more contextual
I've had thoughts, shall we say, intellectual.
Bob's face got a dung smear,
but it's not really clear:
do shit facials mean you're metrosexual?

Hot damn Fudgeman, that's funny!

There was a guy stuck half in a pit,
Who fell face first in the shit,
Expect'rating turds,
He uttered these words,
"Thank heavens my ass didn't fit!"

daphne, you rock. Seriously. I'm no poet or even a passable limericker, but here's another attempt.

There once was a fellow named Bob,
Who ate nothing but corn on the cob.
'Til he clogged up his loo,
With his corn-studded poo,
And got stuck as he finished the job.

Sellin' yourself short Art - that there's a great limerick. I guess you could say they're all the shit.

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Who hung with his toes held aloft.
He fumbled for words
As he stared at his turds,
Knowing Germans would call him "Scheiße-kopf".

Can somebody find out if Bob Shoff has an e-mail address? He may be amused, horrified, or BOTH by what we're dooing.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Daphne, you really are my hero

(In light of the above masterpieces by daphne, most humbly submitted by an overachieving male)

Bobby Shoff, he had a great slip
headlong into his own septic shit.
His legs they were kickin
like a plucked and headless chicken,
‘twas a black hole of an ego trip.

Logjam, when I was about 8 or 9, my brother and I were looking through my fathers dresser for change. We found a jar full of indian head pennies, some condoms, and a book of dirty limericks. Being the shithead little bastards we were, we spent the pennies face value, made water balloons out of the condoms and threw them at my little sister, and wet our pants reading the book. I have loved limericks since then. Here is one for today. I hope you like it.

Ol' Shoffy took a very big chance,
Now he's doing the poop tasting dance,
All the firemen could do was stare,
At his poop report (thong) underwear,
And try not to piss in their pants.

An epic limerick, Daphe. I am in awe. And to all poopreporters who contributed, I prostrate myself before you. I haven't laughed this hard in a while.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Confession time - I close was to hammered drunk when I wrote that last run. Drank a 6 pack of Killian's and found a quarter of an incredibly good fruitcake our neighbor gave us in the fridge. She marinated it in bottle of cherry brandy.

After eating a few pieces, the resulting head buzz inspired a stumbly trip-dance over to the computer, all the while thinking "I hope it's still funny tomorrow." You know how that goes, especially if you've seen Beerfest. "Wanna' little schlap'n'pickle?"

This has been the best thread in a long time. Everyone has submitted such funny stuff and there doesn't seem to be a slowing of material.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I also do some of my best work when I am either hammered or on the can, which is about 80% of my waking life. Maybe I'll try getting hammered WHILE I'm on the can. Hmmmm

Since daphne has gone and admitted
she was plastered when she wrote and submitted
her epic Shoff limerick
We now learn her gimmick
-- A six pack grows a woman a dick.

Beautiful, LJ...just beautiful...I got tears...sweet, poignant...damn your good, man.

.....looking in spongebob boxer shorts.......

Well, I'm glad the damned thing retracted once the fruitcake buzz wore off......
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

yeah, i've been trying to think of one, but i got nothin'. nothing!

but i do enjoy what you guys have come up with. especially daphne. her penis must be really big.
_______
i love poop.

I'll probably catch some flak for this. Well, let's see. The difference between a girl and a lesbian is three beers. At six they grow a dick. Somewhere around four or five I'm getting the hell out of the bar.

I think the whole thing is really re-dick-less.

Toni Shoff yelled, "The toilet won't flush!",
So her husband--a hillbilly lush--
Went outside with a scoop,
But got stuck in the poop,
And he drowned with a mouthful of mush.

If your toilet won't flush, never freak;
Lift the lid on your tank for a peek.
You'll no doubt find the reason
Your toilet is seizin'
(Along with your meals from last week).

Mr. Shoff fell in poop; now he's dead
After drowning in shit, his wife said.
"But he'd be alive yet
If he didn't forget
To jump in by his feet, not his head."

Mrs. Shoff has now promised to sue
For her husband's demise in that goo.
Paramedics refused
To give aid; they're accused
Of neglecting the man in the loo.

Had it been Mrs Shoff, it would've drowned her,
But ol'Bobby was just a little bit "rounder",
His head and shoulders did pass,
But not so his fat ass,
Saved by McDonalds quarter pounders!

JEP, That was an excellent series of verse, but I was upset that my hero died. Can you maybe add a verse or two to make a happy ending. Thank you.

Hey folks, the last I heard, he survived! :D
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Thank goodness. I'll cancel my arrangement of brown roses.

Was once and old fart in Nantucket,
Trying desperately to pee in a bucket.
He whipped it out to let fly
And pissed in his eye,
Stormed off in a rage saying fuck it.

Moved then to the midwestern state,
Trying to escape crappy fate,
Slipped into a pit,
Filled with his shit,
And angrily began to berate.

He then developed a cough,
His name, by the way was Bob Shoff,
In a hawking fit,
Horked out some old shit,
Which totally pissed old Bob off.

Okay, this female shall follow Daphne:

A Midwesterner who answered to Shoff
Decided conventions to doff
Headfirst he flew
Into shit stew
Thus, cancelling his holiday boff!
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Prarie Doggin, I have been hammered while on the can. It's good stuff!
I once wrote a poem which (was later published) whilst on the shitter. 50 lines of shiterature!
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

I was thinking maybe a mini bar on top of the tank.

Yes, definitely a minibar on the tank--perhaps some fancy cocktail napkin-esqe TP?
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Maybe some salty nuts.

So, who won this contest? It seems to be over..........

Dave, have you considered sending Mr. Shoff a t-shirt in recognition of his admittedly unintentional contribution to poop culture? I wonder what his reaction would be...

Win or lose, it does'nt matter to me,
The great posts have filled me with glee,
I'll be out of town for a while,
But I leave with a smile,
Oh, and Dave I'm a 2XLT.

We expect daily check-ins with bathroom and rest stop reviews. Motel 6, free wireless, bitchez!

Be safe, and take care. Don't forget to get your rest.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Is this situation
Common in your nation?
To find a yank
In his septic tank,
Head down in consternation.

When Ms Shoff got a whiff of the gas
she sent Robby outside to assess.
When he didn’t return
she dialed Nine, One, and One,
and yelled, “Ol’ Rob has his head up his ass.”

CEPoop begged to call it quits
hoping the T-shirt o'er his belly would fit.
But in his hysterical dither
he forgot to consider
it ain’t over till the fat lady shits.

Me thinks I stirred up the pot a bit.

I'm not begging to call it quits. I just want my shirt. My limericks were clearly the best....... XL, white Dave.

The investigation concluded that on that night,
O'l Bobby had been as high as a kite,
When he was pulled from the glop,
With a loud sucking pop,
He exclaimed, "man I wish the old lady was that tight".

PD....that is some really good shit.

I vote for daphne! One condition, she models the T- soaked in whatever she was drinking and posts the picks here on PR!
_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Hopefully she was not drinking mudslides.

Okay, a couple more...

An Iowa farmer named Shoff
Saw his toilet back up and flew off
Face-first he fell
In a shit-filled hell
And emerged with nary a cough.

An Iowa man (debonair?)
To fix his toilets, would dare
To confront the shit demon
Head-on, it was seemin'
But was left with his legs in the air

These pale in comparison to Prarie Doggin, Daphne, et al, but I had to try. :)

_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

An Iowa man's shit abysses
Took him away from the mistletoe kisses
Out of the muck he was pulled
But no glad tidings were culled
For he did not get to boink his missus!

_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Those don't pale; the last two in particular are among the best. Furthermore, apologies and limericks just don't mix. Take a lesson from CEP -- crow about your submissions even if, in truth, they suck.

Thank you, Logjam! Truer words were never spoken.
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

A pooper named Logjam had an idear
To bring all the Poop Poets near
Through poems and zest
We hail one, of the Midwest,
Who now sees his plumbing through fear.

_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

I think the contest is done.
I hope everybody had fun.
I've wished us all luck,
writing 'bout man and muck,
and all dookies under the sun.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

This contest is officially closed (although if you want to write more limericks, feel free).

For the last couple days, Daphne has been trying to track down Mr. Shoff to get him to judge the contest. She couldn't find him, but man did she find a great substitute...! Check back in a few more days to find out WHO is judging and what he/she/they have to say about it.

The fact that she cant find him means he probably found out and has relocated his family to Argentina.

Anomalous and Prarie, would you guys get in touch with me? Go to my profile and email me using the Contact link.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This is why I'm glad I'm hooked up to a sewer.

This is a no rhyme Limerick

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
I know him from our old town church
He moved ,he grooved
on a wooden church bench
turning yellow and green
he thought it was a silent fart
but instead it was a part
Hard an bumpy nutty and crunchy
he thought to slip a way
but cramps pushed the down way
with a "plop" a plug was released
the runs went down his pants
Gee We will never forget Mr Shoff

Am I missing dsomething? Did this contest come to a head? What's going on?

Yes, it has come to a massive turtle head.

This is a question for Daphne, I guess. Our awesome guest judges appear to have fallen through, right? So should we just go ahead with a traditional vote, or should we hold out?

Yeah Daphne, who won?

I have now given up on this shitty ass contest ever having a winner.