It was way back in December when Iowa's Bob Shoff
fell into his septic tank, and it was way back in January when PoopReporters took to
immortalizing his plight in verse. For pooems as great as these, we wanted to move beyond standard PoopReport contest protocol by enlisting some celebrity judges. Daphne's attempts to reach Mr. Shoff himself failed, but she was able to connect with the firefighters who rescued him. The one she spoke to seemed very keen to take such an important role in such an important cultural milestone; but when Daphne mailed him the finalists, she got no response. She even called back -- no answer.
In Iowa, I guess, it's more important for firefighters to save lives than to humor PoopReporters. I guess everyone has their priorities.
Which means that this contest was never properly brought to fruition. Better late than never: below are your six finalists along with one honorable mention. Cast your vote for the funniest, wittiest, and most true-to-life description of Shoff's septic slip now!
Finalist one: Prarie Doggin
Tho' the blockage was not caused by him,
Ol' Shoff cleared it out, then fell in,
He was covered in the goo,
From a year's worth of poo,
And a tampon was stuck to his chin.
Finalist two: C. Everett Poop
There once was an Iowan named Rob
He went down to clear out a blob
As he looked in the hole
For what clogged up his bowl
He noticed some corn on the cob
Finalist three: Logjam
'Twas Christmas ol' Shoff made the news
by diving head first in poo ooze.
When asked for a reason,
He said without blinkin',
"Well, no one likes shit on their shoes."
Finalist four: Artful Dodger
There once was a fellow named Bob,
Who ate nothing but corn on the cob.
'Til he clogged up his loo,
With his corn-studded poo,
And got stuck as he finished the job.
Finalist five: RoboCrap13
He hung through the hole upside-down,
Feet flailing and face covered brown.
And trapped by the waist,
he was now forced to taste,
the crap he pushed out by the pound.
Finalist six: Prarie Doggin
Had it been Mrs Shoff, it would've drowned her,
But ol' Bobby was just a little bit "rounder",
His head and shoulders did pass,
But not so his fat ass,
Saved by McDonalds' Quarter-Pounders!
Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff (vote here): Finalist one: Prarie Doggin 35% Finalist two: C. Everett Poop 8% Finalist three: Logjam 19% Finalist four: Artful Dodger 18% Finalist five: RoboCrap13 16% Finalist six: Prarie Doggin 3% Total votes: 62 |
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Honorable mention goes to Daphne. Her poem is ineligible due to its violation of form, but it deserves recognition because it's truly an epic.
The Christmas tree appeared so fair;
The stockings were hung with such care.
But Santa's gaze led
To the backyard instead,
Where two feet were stuck up in the air.
"Hot shit!" he exclaimed. "What's that smell?
"And look where that poor old man fell!
"Of all the bad places
"To stick your poor faces
"About that one I sure wouldn't tell!"
"Then help me out NOW!" shouted Shoff.
He was starting to get real pissed off
At the fat men in red
Who stood there instead
Eating fruitcake as if at a trough.
"Go fuck yourself, Bob!" laughed Saint Nick
Who wasn't that terribly quick
To rescue the guy
With shit in his eye
If the fruitcake he serves tastes this sick.
The foodstuff he held for inspection,
Was filled red and green reflection,
From nasty dried fruit
That would make his butt toot,
And was as hard as a porn king's erection.
"You'll stay there!" Claus roared. "Don't you fight this!
"This crap's started up my colitis!
"I'd thought it was gone,
"But this cake brought it on
"And only one thing could possibly right this!"
"What's that!?" cried Bob Shoff, filled with dread.
"Please come get me out now instead!
"NO way!" shouted Nick,
"You've earned this, you dick.
"And so you'll remain on your head!"
"There will always be those Christmas Eves
"For Santa to give his reprieves
"But bad fruitcake treat
"Most always will meet
"A septic tank as Santa leaves!"
