Wow; those are all good! What with Dumpster's prolificness, though, I'm a little surprised he didn't get one onto the top 7! And I'm shocked, SHOCKED that my "Strawberries" pooetry didn't make it. Shocked, I tell you!

But these are plenty to pick from! Let's see...I'm going to pick...

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Santa Caca!

I feel its between AssBlaster2000 and Pipe Nightmare as for humor in the limerick.

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A fart is a chemical substance,
It comes from a place called bum;
It penetrates through the trousers,
And lands with a musical hum.
To fart, to fart, 'tis no disgrace;
It warms the blankets on cold winter nights,
And suffocates all the fleas.

Let's see here.. I'm a bit of a conformist (but don't sue me if I make a mistake), be ye warned. I'm not going to suggest poems that were excluded from the finals, though.

This quote taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerick_(poetry)

"The rhyme scheme is usually "A-A-B-B-A", with a rather rigid meter. The first, second, and fifth lines are three metrical feet; the third and fourth two metrical feet. The foot used is usually the amphibrach, a stressed syllable between two unstressed ones. However it can be considered an anapestic foot, two short syllables and then a long, the reverse of dactyl rhythm. However, many substitutions are common.
The first line traditionally introduces a person and a location, and usually ends with the name of the location, though sometimes with that of the person. A true limerick is supposed to have a kind of twist to it. This may lie in the final line, or it may lie in the way the rhymes are often intentionally tortured, or in both. Though not a strict requirement, the best limericks are usually those that additionally show some form of internal rhyme, often alliteration, sometimes assonance or another form of rhyme."

I just thought it might be useful to the judging process.

My thoughts on the poems (no offense intended)

Form:

#1: The 5th line's meter is incorrect
#2: The 1st line's meter doesn't match the 2nd and 5th. The 3rd doesn't match the 4th.
#3: The meter is not consistent. Lines 3 and 4 don't rhyme; the 5th line doesn't rhyme with the 1st and 2nd.
#4: Doesn't rhyme on the 5th line, incorrect meter on the 1st and 5th lines. Lines 3 and 4 don't rhyme.
#5 The 5th line has 3 "categories" of poop; unfortunately 'butt nuggets' and 'dirt snakes' are both 'feces', so it doesn't make much sense. Incorrect meter in the 2nd line.
#6 The 4th line is awkward. The inflection of a vocal recital would place emphasis on the word 'a', which isn't a good word on which to have emphasis.
#7 The last line has inconsistent meter with the first two.

Content:
#1: similar to #2.. not as good/creative
#2: I haven't heard the phrase "cutting the mustard" before. Does that refer to farting, or a slight expulsion of intestinal juices, or an actual emergence of a solid?
#3: I like the idea of communicating with excretion. ...but onomatopoeia? I think it's awkward.
#4: The fourth line seems to imply that the fiber was inserted through the anus instead of being swallowed.
#5: Mixing religion, atheism, and excretion? Brilliant.
#6: This poem captures the basic essence of solid excretion.
#7: I don't like the word "Bayonne." I also dislike the last line.. All food's on loan? I don't understand.

meh. My thoughts may or may not reflect those of others.

Well done, for all chosen.

Of these, my favorites are numbers 2, 5, and 6; I vote for..

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warm brown fuzzies

Congratulations to the other finalists for your well written limericks!

juiop,

Crapola is trying to convey that the food we eat is borrowed from the earth, and when we drop our butt nuggets, dirt snakes and feces, we are just returning it. (Oh, I know that last phrase about the three types of poo didn't make sense, sorry!)

Since when are limericks supposed to make much sense?

Wow, I'm honored just to be considered a finalist!

Juiop, as a former English major I appreciate your critical eye. "Cutting the mustard" can mean a bunch of different thing, I suppose, but here I was using it to suggest a really nasty fart, with "mustard" implying that there's something more than just gas involved. But as all great poets do (ahem!), I just offer the imagery--I leave the readers to invest the poem with their own personal meaning.

Congrats to all finalists. May the best pooper win!

I've got to say that my entry here wasn't one I'd have expected to have qualified, but there you go... It's all about Pipe Nightmare IMO. Excellent efforts throughout the comp. Congrats to all those who enetered and got through... It was a great comp anyway... Nice one Dumspter, I know you were keen to get this up and running from way back!

Take it easy poops!

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You can't polish a turd

When I thought up this here contest
I never expected to win, lest
Some say it was rigged,
And we all would get frigged.
But such talent has come forth--we're all bless'd!

You can only appreciate "Bayonne" if you're from someplace near New Jersey. Otherwise, you're like, "Where the fuck is Bayonne?"

Oh, and mine totally fits the meter if you talk as freakin' fast as I do.

Oh, and guys, seriously, quit voting for me, there is so much more up-and-coming talent in this contest.

Yeah too right. Vote for me. haha.

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You can't polish a turd

I voted for Pipe Nightmare's second entry. That was my favorite when it was first posted up, too.

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Clones are people, two.

Assblaster's limerick about the cat and the rubber bands was also very, very funny. Just saying.

When is the voting over?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Voting will end Monday morning at 12:01 AM.

Members and anonymous cowards, join in! Take part in picking who gets to boast and gloat about being the winner!

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If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

It's kind of fun not being in the running this time....but I still like to gloat.
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Kind of disappointing that there are only 86 votes. Where are all the pooetry lovers out there???

Can we vote more than once, or would that be stuffing the ballot box?

If you log on as an unregistered user, you can still vote. I don't know whether votes by unregistered users have to be approved by the moderators or not, but if not, I smell a Louisiana-size election fraud problem here!

Well, if anonymous people can vote, then why not come on and cast your vote? Really, people, voice your opinion. And pick us a winner. Please :-D

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Have you checked out Sloan's Uppercut yet?

Anyone else having trouble getting into the forums tonight? The damn thing keeps logging me out after two clicks! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Clones are people, two.

Me, too. I had to log in a few times to stay in.

Someone at the bar forgot to tell the doorman we were on the list.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I think the finalist limericks really are good. I must say (though nobody but me cares). My favorite was George Elliot Butterz' limerick about the poop fiend with the turd tattoo. That was consciousness on another level, man.

Juiop, your info on limericks was very good and the form analysis was helpful, but the content analysis was poor. Wrong on almost all counts.

In the end, I thought I'd just get on here and vote for myself, but the thought of Pipe Nightmare's little buddies drowning unheard just kills me. Plus Juiop doesn't like it, so it must be good.

I really like the entries by AssBlaster2000 and Crapola.

I like the fact that both entries are "traditional" limericks in that the first lines start with "someone" from "someplace."

Assblaster2000's "fart and get lucky" is hilarious! Also, change "he had" to "he'd" and the 5th line's meter is perfected.

The first time I read Crapola's entry, the line "All food is only on loan" was immediately stuck into my head. I'd never heard of that idea before. Very funny!

I haven't voted yet. I'm planning to wait until the last minute and see if I need to break a tie.

Gotta love how Pipe Nightmare included two important pieces of literature in a limerick. The history of literature is a big toilet, chock full of inspirational turds...

The food on loan line sticks with me too. If you look at it this way, we are little more than machines to take in food, deprive it of nutrients, and churn out poop. It's what we do all the time.

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Sometimes it jus[MESSAGE TRUNCATED]

These are all pretty good. Much better than I could ever come up with. Good luck to you all.

DungDaddy, I would like to ask a favor of you: Please tell me how my opinions of the poems were wrong. I really am very interested as to how opinion can possibly be wrong.

I'd like to refer you to two statements that I wrote: "My thoughts on the poems (no offense intended)", and "My thoughts may or may not reflect those of others."
___________________________
warm brown fuzzies

Everyone and everything is subject to opinions they may or may not disagree with. It just happens. There is nothing that everyone thinks the same thing about.

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Sometimes it just takes two.

"Opinions are like assholes. Everyone's got one."
-Dirty Harry

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I'm sorry, but it appears that my karma ran over your dogma.

"Everyone's got one, and most people's stink."

So many choice choices! Of all the finalists, I have had such a hard time deciding, because they're all excellent in different ways. I finally settled on AB2K (oops, I mean on her limerick!), because. among other reasons, it starts out in the traditional "There once was a man from..." format.

If this one wins, however, I would suggest that, if it is to become the "official" limerick of PoopReport, the last line be revised to "He'd just made his underpants mucky," to preserve the metre.

Great job, all! This was fun.

Dave, would you consider a run-off?

I went for Pipe Nightmare's. It made me laugh the hardest. Again, what did Dirty Harry say about opinions?

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I'm sorry, but it appears that my karma ran over your dogma.

Which one of PN's, TSV? They were both great, but maybe he wishes his supporters hadn't had to split their votes.

What is listed in the votes as entry number five.

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I'm sorry, but it appears that my karma ran over your dogma.

I don't know if Dirty Harry said it or not, but the quote I've always heard is this:

"Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one, and most people's stink."

We have a winner!

An official announcement will be made shortly. Plus: like I said before, limericks aren't over yet. Stay tuned!

According to my stats, Dave, it looks like Pipe #5. Congratulations!

To Pipe I would merely say this:
You've earned both a hug and a kiss.
But they won't come from me--
I'll just let TSV
Do the honors; she's pregnant, thus free.

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Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

And to all who did join this contest
Your "pooems" were better than best.
It was a hard trick
To see whose limerick
Floated highest in this great poop-fest!

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Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Congratulations, Pipe! It was a tough choice for me, so I didn't know who to vote for.

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I'm the only geek I know who has to flush twice. Or who clicks on links in people's sigs.