There once was an old guy named Martin
Who ate his glass eye like a Spartan
He watched his poor ass
But the eye did not pass
So now he is glassed up & fartin'

There once was a fellow named Martin
Who buys his glass eyes by the carton
He swallows them often
His stool needs to soften
To retrieve his glass orb like a Tartan

A one-eyed vet name o’ Martin
done swaller’d his glass eye whilst a coughin.
So pissed at his wife
for leaching his life,
he bent o’er and shot her whilst fartin.

This poor surly fellow named Martin
Bent over a screen and was shartin'
He lost his glass eye
in his warm shepherd's pie
His sphincter's now flexin' & partin'

We once played a joke on old Martin
His wife even had a small part in
He shit like a goose
his stools were so loose
just squirtin' & shartin' & fartin'

While Martin was eating his dinner
It tasted like rack of paint thinner
Glass eye falls in soup
& Now he must poop
The toilet was grand prize winner

There once was a fellow named Martin
Whose proctologist's name was Barton
To save your glass eye
You must listen to I
Your shorts you now must shart in

There once a man with an eye of glass
But he had not an ounce of class
And so from his mouth
The eye headed south
And ended up looking out of his ass!

I've looked up many a crack,
but never one that looked back.
Up Martin's ass
is an eye made of glass.
A previous odd midnight snack.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

The doctor spread old Martin's cheeks,
and said this most certainly reeks,
but why is it gazing?
This sure is amazing.
The strangest I've seen in ten weeks.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Old Martin fought hard in the war.
Had a glass eye at the end of his tour.
Accidently he swallowed it,
It shattered and mixed with shit.
So he fired it back at a Korean food store.

A crusty old veteran of Seoul,
had a fake eye lodged in his hole.
It could have been worse,
he exclaimed to his nurse,
it could have been stuck in my pole!

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

No pooem. Just an old saying:

He who swallows a glass eye is able to see things clearly where the sun don't shine.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

(Dedicated to Di).

Ole Martin was prone to diarrhea,
then lost an eye in Korea.
A glass ‘un sits in the hollow,
which now ‘n then he doth swallow.
Poor fella now battles eye-arrhea.

There once was a guy named Martin
Who had a glass eye he was suckin
after he pooped and set it free
he yelled "My poop is looking at me"
then he socket popped it back in

Poor Martin, poor Martin. Alas!
He swallowed his eyeball of glass!
He's a sensitive guy,
So he misses that eye--
But he's got a great view of his ass!

Poor Martin's glass eyeball will stink
When it lands in the toilet, I think.
Poor Martin's confessin',
"I've learned me a lesson;
My eye should be cleaned in the sink!"

When Martin's glass eye hits his toilet,
His feces will certainly soil it.
Advice: to begin
When you pop it back in,
I'm thinking you're needing to boil it.

Bent over naked, Martin didn't look proper,
As the doctor peered in his shit hopper.
For inside of his ass,
Was an eye made of glass.
With the remains of last nights Double Whopper.

Finding out that his eye was not stolen
Martin's innards became a might swollen
He searched through the goop
of his own rectal poop
When he sneezed it shot out of his colon

There once was a fellow named Martin
I'll get it out just by fartin'
Ate three cans of beans
and off came his jeans
They found his glass eye in St. Maarten

Said Martin, "I'm just not a quitter."
I'll find that glass eye in the shitter
The paper was thin
his finger slipped in
Out plopped a brown apple fritter

Said Martin while pouring a highball
Using dynamite to search for my eyeball
was not a good plan
My balls in Bhutan
and my asshole was struck by a flyball

An old vet by the name of Marty
swallowed his eye none to smartly
"I need a 20/20 midget
To help me dig through this shit"
So he rounded up Billy Barty.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"Clean your eye" she would always remind him.
"I swallowed it" ol' Martin just chimed in.
In short time it did pass
But got stuck in his ass
And now he can see whats behind him.

I didn't mean to treat it bad
I didn't know just what I had
But, glass eye, now I'm so down
And won't this make my blue eye
Won't this make my blue eye
Won't this make my blue eye brown

While Martin was eating a cookie
He called up his neighborhood bookie
His friends all made bets
When it pirouettes
and his glass eye comes out with his dookie

There was a guy who had a dead eye
Sometimes he sucks on it, I don't really know why
One day he swallowed it whole
Then fished it out of the bowl
He didn't wash it and now has a sty

Said Martin to his neighborly trucker,
"My asshole is starting to pucker."
My eyeball is there
amidst all the hair
and it's one sore-assed mother fucker

I know this may sound kinda silly
Tie a line to the end of your willy
Bait it with porn
Look out for the corn
Go fishing in fresh fecal "chili"

A man had an eye made of glass
His esophagus it slipped past
He worried a bit
Then he took a shit
But he never winked out of his ass

Old Martin is a fart'n and shart'n with glee,
For his doctor proffered proctological tea.
The eyeball he swallowed, glassy and round,
With terrible speed to colon is bound.
Cries Martin: Magnesium citrate shit me eye free!

Martin happened to eat his eye,
Just like it was a piece of pie.
Without a doubt,
He`ll shit it out,
Then sigh, and say a fond goodbye.

Poor Martin has taken up bowlin';
His eyeball is really a-rollin'!
It's passing his gut
On the way to his butt--
And tomorrow, it pops from his colon!

Old Martin, the pompous old ass,
had an eye that was made out of glass.
It got lodged in his gut,
then blown forth from his butt,
by a timely expulsion of gas.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

“I’ll spit in yer eye,” says a bully.
“An eye for an eye,” Holy Moly.
Now comes along Martin
whose gut is a smartin,
"Glass eye in me ass," approach slowly.

There once was a young lad named Danny
Who was falsely accused by his Granny
Of stealing an eye,
But the eye, by and by,
Was lodged in poor Grandpa's tight fanny.

A crusty old soldier named Martin,
blew an eye from his asshole while fartin.
This prosthesis, though blue,
was covered with poo,
and couldn't be used, that's for sartin.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

'Tis said that old soldiers ne'er die.
But sometimes they swallow an eye.
If the eye is of glass
Through the ass it shall pass,
While the warrior proclaims his battle cry.

This is going to be a tough one but Phillip has my vote so far! I hope Martin's doing well...

Thrice old Martin a glass eye did swallow
Rollin round his bowels they do wallow
So he makes doo
Sifting brown stew
For his head is now quite hollow

Poor Martin! His eye, made of glass,
Into his full tummy did pass.
So now the poor fool
Must sift through every stool
To be sure when the eye leaves his ass.

While Martin was playing his trumpet
The urge had just hit him to dump it
While hitting A-flat
He heard quite a splat
His eye lay in yesterdays crumpet

Old Martin Was eating at Denny's
He reached in his pocket for pennies
He felt a huge push
from his ill-gotten tush
& His eye rolled to J.C. Penneys

Since Martin is retired -- not poor
You find him daily on the gym floor
A quick clean & jerk
& his ass went berserk
He shot his glass eye through the floor

While Martin was riding his bike
Got a feeling he didn't really like
He took a huge piss
& much to his bliss
His glass eye shot from the abyss

This is a 2 paragraph limerick below

Martin's wife walked through the room nude
He thought, "Now I am really screwed."
& like a machinist
He pulled out his penis
shot a hole through a box of cat food

He went searching for the projectile
He just knew it could not be rectal
It shot from his wiener
It couldn't be cleaner
Turns out his glass eye was not docile

Old Martin went walking the dog
In a thick and pea soupish fog
The dog stopped to prattle
A snake rose to rattle
The glass eye ended up in the bog

OK this is fun... I love creating poop humor. Japanese Haiku should be next, right? I've read some really good ones. I may not even be done. I might come back for a 3rd Salvo... Have a good evening everyone.

Phillip_D_Trousers

Shit, Phillip, I was going to vote for you until you made your subsequent entries bold.
FUCK!!

Oh, Martin that glass eye you swallowed
Will come out if my methods you follow
Drink bleach and ammonia
Take herbs from Patagonia
And if you live - that eye socket won't be hollow

Oh, what did the great glass eye see
On its gastrointestinal journey?
A dollop of poo,
A polyp or two,
And some fifty-year-old kimchee.

Shatty, that is brilliant!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Ole One-eye had learned this one lesson--
Make the best of a bad situation.
So he splayed his bare ass
and winked at a lass,
and that’s how he landed in prison.

The mortar came through his forehead.
Poor Martin was so close to dead.
But luck had a say
On that fateful day,
And he lost one of two eyes instead.

The years flew by and he got married.
He raised kids, his tough genes they carried.
But relation meant naught,
To avoid being caught,
He allowed the sad truth to be buried.

See, Martin coughed like he had croup,
He hacked up this awful black goop!
A tickle would follow,
In his throat, and he'd swallow.
He ate his glass eyes with his soup.

The first time it wasn't so bad.
His wife wasn't nearly as mad.
But the second eye lost
Was dear, and it cost
His trust as a dear old grandad.

He blamed it on toddler... "what's this?"
That his second glass eye was amiss.
So gramma went postal
And tracked the boy coastal
From the kitchen to the potty to piss.

The guilt caused a karmic display.
That bothers Martin to this day.
How to keep his wife quiet
Without causing a riot
Is a problem he faces today.

His glass eye is lodged in his gut.
The third time he's been in this rut,
No excuse will prevent
The torrent she'll vent
When she realizes she's been the butt

Of a joke, of a ruse, of a lie,
That Martin's been hiding his eye
In his ass, to lay blame
On a child with his name
To avoid an excuse on the fly.

"Fuck it! You hag, I confess!'
"I ate the damned thing, it's a mess....'
She'll kick his poor ass
While thinking of glass
And wiping her hands on her dress.

It'll end in a court of the law.
She'll stand there in shock and dropped jaw.
To hear his confession,
"It's been a progression,'
"My intestines resemble cole slaw!"

The court will adjourn to come find,
Poor Martin's quite out of his mind.
Cuz' you can't eat your eye
And then try to lie
When you shit it out of your behind.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Winning be damned...... I'll take honorable mention for 1000, Dave. IT'S WORTH IT!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

An eye of glass in my ass
Made shit awfully hard to pass.
When raising a stink,
My butt eye would blink
Allowing only the passing of gas.

Daphne,
This is a limerick contest not an epic poem contest. Your entry was great but reminded me of an Icelandic Saga. Something you would expect from Liefur
Poopenson or Erick the Brown.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, daphne is an overachiever. At least she didn't write it in olde english this time, like she did with Peeowulf.

It's 11 limericks strung together.

I have OCD.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

It's beautiful Daphne. I printed it, collated and bound it. Whenever I need some good toilet reading material, I grab the hand truck and haul it into the bathroom.

I have WCD (wise crack disorder)

To his wife Martin swore
He'd lose his eye no more
One day she said "oh my"
You've only got one eye
And he said "with the ones in my gut I've got four!"

I know a man named Martin,
who cleans his glass eye on his tongue.
His wife said that's not so smartin,
How are you going to go fartin
With an eyeball stuck in your bung.

I just want to say, I think this is the most awesome subject matter for a poetry contest I've ever seen. There's a lot of real talent posting here. I hope I'm not too late to the party with this, my offering (ahem) ...

One morn' whilst ingesting his millet
The old vet's glass hey slid down his gullet
In his prime he had slew an oriental commie or two
But now with a cry he strained and he pried
'Till the eye shot from his hoary ass like a bullet

Dang it, I've got another one:

In the E.R. there was a bit of a wait
After Marty swallowed his glass eye like bait
The young internist was staggered
As he peered at the old vet's x-ray data
He shouted what were you thinkin'?
Now your eye will be a-stinkin'
Much like Beezlebub's 'taint!

My mind's on fire!

The three fates sat hunched in their craggy fort
As usual passing that single shared eye back and forth
Up stole the wily old veteran Martin
Upon the first upturned palm he took to shartin'
Out the glass eye he'd orally imbibed
"I'm not popping it in! This thing smells like a turd!"

Okay, I think this may be my last one. First though, I want to correct a thaipo I made on my first post. The line should read "the old vet's glass EYE slid down his gullet". Thank you (and yes, I'm very anal).

Old Martin dreaded his sweet wife's mental state
Upon learning of yet another glass eye he'd ate
Then he remembered the army admonition
To gamely capitalize on an unfortunate situation
What a guy! With the aid of his bowel-borne eye
He performed his own colonoscopy

Turdly One, I know you're anal. So am I.
Limericks generally consist of five lines.
Are you using a speech to text program?
If not, that's a cool way to spell THAIPO.

Di Uhreea, thanks, "thaipo" was something I thought up one day. I guess my limericks have poor form. I just sort of went for it. I'll make a lame excuse and claim to be making free-form limericks.

Okay, after more thought I feel like I've been a rash ass (or an ass rash? hmmm). Posting limericks with bad form all willy-nilly is inexcusable and I apologize. Di Uhreea, I thank you for your constructive criticism. I feel like I've grown a lot. I've reformulated the previously-posted limericks, please let me know if you think they're improved. Sorry too for making this thread grow so friggin' long.

1)
As Marty scarfed some millet
His glass eye slid down his gullet
Once he slew a commie or two
Now in the loo straining at stool
The eye streaks from his ass like a bullet

2)
In the E.R. a bit of a wait
Cause Marty gulped his glass eye like bait
An internist staggered
Amazed at the vet’s x-ray data
“Your eye’s gonna stink like Beezlebub’s ‘taint!”

3)
The Three Fates in their craggy fort
Passing their shared eye back and forth
Up crept that wily old Martin
Swallowed glass eye squeezed out by shartin’
A hag’s palm gets his offensive orb

4)
Ol’ Martin dreaded his wife’s mental state
Hearing of another glass eye done ate
Recalling the army admonition
To gamely turn any situation
The eye spied the odd piece of steak

Turdly One, no apology required!
I was just being my anal self.
I'm glad you've seen the light of the limerick.

Old Martin had lost his glass eye
and couldn't figure out why,
Till a blast of gas
from his wrinkled old ass
sent it flying into the sky

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Tho' what happened was really quite comical,
It was worthy of a Poop Report chronicle.
The eye slid down his throat,
But now that old billy goat,
Is being fitted for an ass-crack monocle.

Marty’s eye his bung hole did clog,
and through his shit he was forced daily to slog.
And when it finally came out,
he let loose a proud shout,
“I’ve birthed the very first seeing-eye log.”

Oh Logjam, that's a classic!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

There once was a man named Martin
Whose glass eyes in his stomach were dartin
So pissed at his wife
For being the pain in the ass in his life
He shat one in her eye like a Spartan.

_______
Fecally yours,

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who used to shit in a bucket
He swalled his glass eye
And then on the sly
He dug through his shit to pluck it.
_______
Fecally yours,

Oh what a piteous sight
Marty grunting all through the night
It slid from his hole
Then over the rim of the bowl
Balefully stared the cyclopsean shite

Martin that spectacular guy
Glass peeper got et while he dined
Like it or lump it
He blew his butt trumpet
Redefining the term "stink eye"

Eye swallowing Martin's wife was quite naggy
He couldn't admit such a sally to the haggy
Grandson took blame
Much to Martin's shame
As he pooped out a steelie, a quartz, and an aggie.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

There once was a fellow named Martin
Who swallowed a glass eye while a-fartin'
He searched through his shit
Every nibble and bit
While storing his turds in a carton.

I've swallowed my glass eye for chrissakes!
Martin's inner voice did exclaim
Don't have a panic attack
Just snatch that thing back
After dropping a basket of snakes

(second version)
There once a fellow named Martin
Who swallowed a glass eye while a-fartin'
The eye would not pass
Through the crack in his ass
The scenery inside was too startlin'

I was on holiday this spring in a quaint town in Georgia and found myself accosted by one of the local legal pint divers while attempting to enjoy a moment and spirit of my own. He invaded my solace, reeking of Balwhinnie, gun powder, and desperation, all the while suggesting that we were kindred spirits, for he, too, was a master of the linguistic. I found him to be disingenuous, for he was lacking any sartorial comportment usually resolved to one of his trade; he claimed to be a solicitor.

It was at this point that I rose and excused myself, not realizing that I'd left my wallet on the stained top of the table we'd shared, if only for a few agonizing minutes. The charlatan stole away with it and my identity. Here I find proof of his intention! How dare my name be used by this man!

These limericks are neither insightful, nor deft observations, nor are they reticent to add a surrealistic tinge or twist for which I am most famous for. They are in short bereft of the leitmotif of flight both actual and symbolic of my work. You sir are a godless, theiving HACK.

Thanks for stopping by, Dumpy, and reminding me why I don't miss you at all.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

This contest is now officially closed. Voting will begin shortly!