Eternal Debates: Positioning Of Cheeks

// // 80 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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THE ISSUE:

What, if anything, do you do with your cheeks when you sit?

80 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Positioning Of Cheeks"

Anonymous's picture

I always spread far and wide. I like to compare solid turds (Bristol 3-4) to racetracks (monster mile, osterreichring, 24 hours of Le Mans, Monaco, etc.) I am usually a 5-6. My stools are URGENT and sometimes its a really close call. Sometimes I hurt myself spreading too hard and fast. I worry I will tear myself someday,

Sitting Wiper's picture

Several people have commented on babysitters/child minders who don't have a post-toilet washing routine. Fortunately, we have never had to used these people, having friends/relatives nearby, where we do the service for each other. I am sure my two sons and daughter would TELL THEM ABOUT IT! Fortunately, they have developed their own standards of cleanliness.
I think we would have sacked them at the earliest opportunity.

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

I spread them if I have time.
If I gotta go I will just let them end up where ever just as long as it is on the shitter.

_______
Russell

Russell the shitting queen

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well, we're all going to hell. Daphne, you bring the marshmallows, Bilge the sticks, and I'll bring the franks.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Air Supply songs as done by Weird Al Yankovic?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Or maybe K.C. and the Sunshine Band.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

No Bilge, allow them their hearing. That way we could blast Michael Bolton albums. I'm going to hell.

Olivia's picture

It's amazing when you correct your kids how they will cut you off with "But, .... when Bailey has us out with her she doesn't flush or wash her hands and she makes ..... use the mens room on his own!" They use others to try and justify their own misdeeds. I, too, agree with Whitney's posting. She sees herself as a role model and so she goes out of her way to set a good example for her 6-year-old neice.

Why can't more young babysitters grasp this?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

3 feet is not nearly high enough...10 feet would be more challenging, teaching the child to overcome obstacles...and they have to use a Jacob's Ladder to mount the seat. Shackled, wrist and ankle. And blindfolded. In fact completely sensory deprived, and totally shot up with novocaine.THEN maybe they'll have achieved something. In anycase, I'd watch!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

If you are unsatisfied with a babysitter, then you fire her on the spot. However, you cannot withhold funds she previously earned.

If she had already worked the hours payable by the check, you are bound by law to pay her, and her parents would be vindicated had they sued you for not only the check, but for the non-payment fees.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Average Mom's picture

I'm just an average mom with no college courses or training in early childhood education. Howver, I have to take issue with what Mother of Two wrote about the babysitter smirking when she uses payday to comment on a couple of things she has concerns about.

The babysitter never flushes or washes her hands when she has her charges in public restrooms, and allowing the five-year-old boy to fend for himself at the too-high urinals or the large stalls would be unacceptable to me.

Like it or not, Bailey would have to step up to the plate and peform some simple tasks that might be uncomfortable for her, but which are nonetheless, necessary.

Last year I had a babysitter roll her eyes when I corrected her on a matter on which she disagreed. The next morning I was at the bank and put a stop payment on her check.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Yeah, maybe you're right. Let's make their toilets three feet off the ground with a miniature rock wall in front of each, preceded by an obstacle course no longer than 20 feet in length, and fortified with no more that 4 obstacles. As each child maneuvers the obstacles necessary to put his or her buns on the priced porcelain, we could view them via satellite on Fox Network with a panel of judges whose comments would be delivered to the contestants over an intercom, thus rendering their climb towards dignity a path of marketable exploitation - laugh track or live audience to be decided upon network private screening.

The judges:

1.) Rip Taylor
This man, well known for his littering of multi-colored ticker tape and handlebar mustache, is perfect for such a show. His ability to laugh at a child scooting towards fecal depository success is landmark.

2.) Simon Cowell
He's a fucking prick.

3.) Paris Hilton
Her ability to relate with human beings at an elementary school level is quintessential to a good reality show. A smart producer would take one look at her and think "this is a person who might still be rendered nonplussed at operating the flush handle unassisted". The placebo.

4.) Peter Stormare
He would scare the shit out of the kids before they could even reach the rock wall, thus nullifying the placebo.

5.) Grizzly Adams
The wild card of the bunch. This man, bearded and clothed in freshly-scored deerskin, would encourage the children to just shit where they stand.

6.) Dave, of Poopreport.com
The mild mannered founder of the internet's leading site on intellectual poop humor might toss a wrench into the system. His ability to instill confidence into the children would counter-balance the ill effects that Stormare would incur.

7.) Tub Girl
Her views on the fact that toilets are unnecessary could very well be the tip to the scales. Why install toilets when tubs would be funner?

Well fuck me, I can't wait for the pilot!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

scratches head in confusion as he sets the laptop aside to wipe.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Maybe the medical community can come up with a way that we can shit for our kids. That way they wont have to waste time away from the computer.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

By all means, lets make things as easy as possible for the young'uns, so their sense of entitlement, lack of discipline, lack of motivation to put forth some effort for the things they want, diminished sense of accomplishment and self esteem can grow. Let us all nurture these favorable attributes...its worked so well for the children of the DOT com parents.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Then again, if a theme park has to buy the toilets and install them anyway, why not a few smaller ones?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

With limited dollars, better we should worry about the quality of their education than how hard it may be for them now to mount a toilet. And having lived through this problem myself, I don't remember being particularly troubled by getting up on the thing. Hell, we were scaling neighbors fences, learning to ride bikes, finding ways to reach cookies on 8 foot shelves. The toilet was nothing, and I had to leap to pull the chain.

Logjam

Kellie's picture

When our family was traveling a few years ago we visited a theme park that had a whole section of the development for families with children in the lower elementary grades. They had age-appropriate rides, a game section and a small swimming pool/wading area for the starter swimmer. Also, and this is what I would suggest for businesses such as malls and individual department stores, they had a separate restroom structure with doors labeled Little Men and Little Women. Both my husband and I thought it was an excellent idea to have plumbing fixtures accessible to the younger kids--toilets about half as high as regular size and with seats that couldn't be raised, urinals based in the floor and sinks that were accessible to little children. Cartoon characters on the wall pointed to the paper towels, soap dispensers, among other things. There were no locks or latches on the stall doors, something that can be so frustrating to a 4 or 5 year old.

With Americans With Disabilities Act guidelines for wider stalls, and more accessible stools and sinks, I wonder if the early-elementary years children are being shortchanged, and even in establishments with family-friendly changing stations, etc. Obviously, elementary schools have differentiated with special bathrooms--many times adjacent to a classroom--for years, why can't other establishments make the necessary modifications?

Mother of Two's picture

Of all those posting, Whitney (04.27.2007) seems to have the procedure with which I most agree. I'm gone a lot on business and as a single mom I use teenage babysitters for my daughter, 7, and son, 5. My youngest is terrorized by being told to go into the mens room alone at places like malls and theaters. Although he tries, he's not quite tall enough to get his urine into a urinal without another guy helping him out by taking him into a stall. And my seven-year-old says our current babysitter never flushes or washes her hands when they use the bathroom away from home. Last week I talked to Bailey about these issues as I paid her, but she just smirked like any 16 year old when talked to tactfully by an adult.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I would settle for poops of solidity.

Vanilla Dolphin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You honor me with your words, sir. May all your poops be poops of joy.

_______
"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

VD, I like the way you think, and might I say you came along at just the right time. Should we ever meet, I will treat you to a nice steak dinner.

Vanilla Dolphin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I try to center myself perfectly on the seat to ensure a maximum seal between buttcheeks and plastic. Helps keep the AutoWipe womrat contained.

_______
"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

If these guys have the power to float, I'm sure their turds float, too, so it doesn't matter if they're over a toilet.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Actually, I think "Johnny on the spot" drops off a pair of porta-johns each week.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Have you ever wondered about those seers in Tibet that meditate and hover? Do they also hover over the toilet?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Postman, you are in the wrong profession. You should be in a white robe, sitting on a mountain top in Tibet.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

As far as cheek positioning, I'd say as long as your ass is on the seat and your asshole is over the water, you're good to go.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

And my medication.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Lost your straight razor again, PD?
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I plan on getting to the patent office as soon as I figure how to get my pants over the toilet seat.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

You should probably get a patent on that.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have velcro strips on each side of the seat. I just spread the cheeks and sit. The ass hair is grabbed by the velcro and holds me in place.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I always pull my cheeks apart as I'm sitting down; easier exit and clean-up. Yes, the toilet seat does assist in keeping the cheeks spread, but the preliminary pull-apart works best for me. I remember once trying to sit and go without parting the cheeks; hard job, messy wipe.

Dropping Loads's picture

I always spread my cheeks to make way for my massive loads. If I don't, then sometimes I get fecal smears on my ass cheeks, which isn't good for business.

 Tidey Bowl Man's picture

I`m Older and of Course
I don`t have that Problem I just sit and the Toilet Seat takes care of spreading Mu Butt.

Freeze-Frame Fran's picture

I'm 33 and I have never sat directly on a public toilet seat. When I was younger and my mom was with me, I would have been spanked or grounded. I know my older sister was a couple of times! I always put paper down. Yes it takes time, but it's worth it. Then I "freeze frame" just as my mom taught me and by not moving around, I don't get off the toilet paper. The biggest problem comes in summer when I'm hot and sweaty and the toilet paper sticks to me. I remember once showing up for the 3rd inning of my softball came with toilet paper streaming down my legs. However, I'm protecting myself and never had the misfortune to sitting in someone's shit or pee. Freeze-framing is simply a matter of surveying the seat first, its contour, and then postioning yourself accordingly. It would also save some of those people nationally that sit on sabatoged seats with glue or other toxic substances wiped on the seat.

Ass-phalt's picture

iLuv2poo: I use the toilet cover sheets to wipe with. As you say, they only slide around and ruin any cheek-spreading progress you've made to that point.

Anonymous: Yes, depressurization of the sphincter (caused by premature cheek-spreading) can indeed cause the occasional "butt-sneeze" you describe. Anal explosions and other ass-phalts like these are nothing to sneeze at. They can cause small children to fall INTO the receptacle and be automatically flushed away to join the rest of the sewage pouring into Cincinnati's drinking water. And I don't like finding toddler turds in my coffee at 6 a.m.

My technique -- developed over 20 years of "hit and miss" (which is just a crap-shoot, as anyone can tell you), requires the pooper to squat ABOVE the waiting toilet seat, grab both cheeks by the inner (and tender) tissues, then SPREAD those babies like the crack of dawn, sit and shit -- all in one smooth, graceful movement. So to speak. This not only insures an effortless poop-and-wipe, but also maintains proper rectal rectitude at all times.

Makes Sense to Me's picture

I felt bad, but I barged in on a girl about 5 last week in a bathroom at an I-29 rest stop. She hadn't latched the door and there were no feet or legs showing over the front of the stool from below the door level.
What was so unusual was that she was using the facility seated over the right hand side of the toilet seat, feet dangling a bit and steadying herself by hanging onto the toilet paper dispenser roll. I assume that was less threatening to her than sitting over the larger front of what would seem to a child to be a very huge toilet. I used the stall next to her and could hear the problem come rather quickly: when she moved to wipe herself the sensor went off and triggered one very loud and splashy flush. Other than that, I like the idea and wish I had thought of it a few years ago when my daughter was growing up. We had several fights when she was about four and scared to sit over the front of the seat. The big black seats, sometimes even loose, sure didn't help her confidence in "sitting back" so she could be more comfortable. Placing a child over the side of the seat so as to give them greater confidence and something tangible to hold-on to is a great idea. The girl's mother, who used a stall a ways down the line, was complimentary of her and questioned her as to whether she wiped. I learned something during my poop: cheeks don't necessarily have to be positioned over the front of the seat!

Whitney's picture

At home, I sit back with great ease and lower my jeans/skirt/panties all the way to floor. In a public place, 90 percent of the time I don't use a seat toilet tissue but I sit over the front of the seat very gingerly and just far back enough so that what I release makes it into the bowl. Sometimes my poop has scraped the inside front of the bowl. By spreading my legs significantly I'm able to aid evacuation without exposing a large part of myself directly to the toilet seat. I also keep my jeans/skirt/panties as high as I possibly can, but without subjecting them to soiling. The latter also keeps eyes peering in from the crack between the stall door and partition from gaining any voyeuristic thrills. My grandmother taught me to be more discreet twelve years ago after school one night when I was in middle school, using a doorless stall and two boys walked in as part of a prank or dare. Finally, I will occasionally put toilet tissue over the seat when I'm traveling, at a very public place like a sports arena or when my 6-year-old niece is with me. I feel I should set a good example.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I just put them behind me.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Aren't toilet seats designed to spread your cheeks automatically?
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

gabe turnman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i always spread my cheeks as far as possible

gabe

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Anonymous Coward, what were you eating? Damn! That's never happened to me even when I was on those stupid antibiotics.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Usually the cheeks take care of their own thing when I sit, but, once in a while, my butt hits the toilet in an unusual angle and a little repositioning is in order.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I spread. Once I pulled my cheeks apart too soon and my sphincter depressurised firing shit all over the seat, it wasn't pretty. Now I am more careful.

iLuv2poo's picture

I like to give my cheeks a healthy spread in order to minimize cleanup time and effort. Yes, it's difficult during the "sweaty season" (which unfortunately here in New Orleans is about ten months long!) because you can't get the ass-traction to keep them spread. I also avoid using the covers provided "for my protection" because they slide on the seat and let my cheeks come back together. Anyone else have thoughts on that?

Cameron's picture

When I was a teenager, My butt cheeks were plump and pressed against each other, making my crack deeper. I had to spread my butt cheeks to take a dump, to minimise the sliding of turd against my inner cheeks, which would mean more cleaning up. Now I'm older and my butt has grown to its adult size and shape, the crack is not so deep and my butt is fully exposed when I sit on the crapper

Magula's picture

Typos *sigh* *if I leave them closed. *Spread, not speak.

Magula's picture

I like to read the back of bottles, it seems to ease my poop out. I do, indeed, spreak. Maybe it's beacuse I have a flabby butt and I leave them closed...well, need I say more? Lol.

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