Eternal Debates: Positioning Of Cheeks

// // 80 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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THE ISSUE:

What, if anything, do you do with your cheeks when you sit?

80 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Positioning Of Cheeks"

Sitting Wiper's picture

When I read this 'eternal debate', I just didn't know the answer for myself, and went to see what I did, hours after my business had been done for the day. I've never thought about positioned my cheeks. I rarely have to squeeze - it just slips out. But I allow myself to fidget about. I would say my bottom fills all the available area of the whole, with room at the front to push my penis down.

Joe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

When i take a dump...I spread out my cheeks as far as i can then sit..I think it feels so much better than...Or you know what else feels really good..Go in an above ground pool and stick your butthole up to the jet(shoots out the water) and spread your cheeks till water goes in...Then run inside...And crap it out....hahahah its a good one

Deuce Fan's picture

Seeing how I shower after EVERY turd slide, I actually pinch my cheeks together. The Warm sensation of the brown lava oozing out of the brown eye gives life to the brown volcanic ash.
this cuts back on the strain on my "O" ring as I am one with the smelly fun.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Three Ply, freakin' awesome description!

I, however, have never done "The Spread". I just sit and shit. I don't have bad cleanups, but it's gotta' be the diet. Triscuits and lawn clippings. haha.
What an odd opinion question. I never even thought of it. Maybe I'm the odd one. Yes, that's it.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

xavier house's picture

you make it smaller so get out and run

ThreePly's picture

Depends on the volume I think I'm about to produce. If its going to be one of those everyday, "squat and plop" shits, I don't do anything other than drop trou, sit down, and let nature take its course. Same thing with a runny shit.

But if I feel that I'm on the brink of sinking a brown Titanic, then I have to prepare for the battle ahead of me. This calls for a little spread action. This can be acheived grabbing hold of your ass before you sit down, and just before your cheeks touch the toilet seat, give them a little spread. As your ass makes contact with the toilet, your ass opens a bit more, allowing a clear evacuation for the oncoming beast. I have found this technique to be most usefull for not only the release, but for the clean-up stage as well. If your ass is parted correctly, the log makes little contact, if any, with the inner-cheek area, thus resulting in less toilet paper used.

The Spread is typically reserved for those low-fiber shits. I'm sure its popularity is growing now with the advent of Adkins, and other low-carb diets.

PoopIsMyFriend's picture

I always spread em. Once positioned on the toilet, lift one cheek, and pull it outwards. Then repeat with the other side until its nice and spread.

This can be difficult in the summer when I get sweaty and my butt just slides inward and refuses to stay spread.

Byron "The Big Turd"'s picture

"Spread 'em wide and let the turd slide" has always been my motto. It is easier on the clean up proccess and it also allows for easier fecal passage.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Usually, I just hang my cheeks over the hole, but sometimes that isn't enough.
If I get dissapointing results for 5 minutes, I apply the "Porceilin strech." That is where I spread the cheecks, then I sit on the toilet seat. This keeps the anus ready for even the largest shits.

Faecial Cream's picture

I like the natural approach, digging a hole and squating in the garden (although i have found myself to run out of places time to time and dig up from a fairly recent forgotten adventure). But the cheeks do still require some help in parting if a cannonball has been swallowed, so while crouched over the hole hands have to hold onto a buttock each and pull apart. If it is a windy day I have sometimes found that a poo partener is required, somebody to help keep me balance, otherwise a risk of rolling back into poop hole becomes apparent. But being one with nature is definately the way forward.

PJbrownstuff's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I just sit there and let nature take its course. Sometimes I lean forward.

Thepaperhog's picture

Triscuits and lawn clippings? That's friggin' hilarious, daphne! I only spread my cheeks - actually pull back one cheek - to mask the sound of a fart if I'm near anyone......That also delicately probes whether the fart is a member of the Allies, i.e. a quiet poof, or one of the Axis, ready to burst into a liquid geyser.....

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

i have to spread. never mind that if i don't spread my cheeks i smear shit all over them -- i have to do it because my muscles are so used to it that they don't work otherwise. i guess my sphincter needs the leverage at this point. i spread them with my hands and, as someone pointed out above, sometimes need to keep my hands holding them, in sweaty weather.

Poop Diddy's picture

I do the same as PoopIsMyFriend and spread em. It is more likely to be a clean drop and it just seems like the logical thing to do. I've been spreading them for as long as I can remember.

squishy_squishy's picture

I don't do anything, I squat on the toilet, and push it done very quickly, and I'm out of there fast...

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

That works for making a fart silent?
I'm going to have to start grabbing my ass more often.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Meagan's picture

I don't spread my cheeks. When I have a really hard turd I bend over and put my head between my legs. Honestly, I've never tried spreading...I just might do that later tonight. The thought never crossed my head to spread until I read this thread.

Poop Diddy's picture

No comment on that one, Joe.

Hilda Hippobutt's picture

Oh my! This is right down my alley.

My hiney is humongous. I don't mean just fat ... I mean my ass is so massive that its gravitational pull has caused several small yet relatively heavy objects (like my husband's bowling ball and my youngest child) to circle it in continuous orbit.

My favorite method of cheek spreadage is to use a set of "Jaws of Life" to pry my elephantine, cottage-cheesy, lard-white, butt cheeks apart. This method is absolutely necessary in order not only for proper positioning of my brown-eye over the toilet, but also to enable the excrement to escape entrapment between my otherwise inpenetrable ass mass.

I really hate the fact that this technique prevents the release my mega-gasseous pre-dump farts through the super-modulating flap chamber of my gigantic ass-cheeks, but it's just too chancy a proposition. I tried it a few times because I love rattling out big, wet and sloppy, gurgling, muffled, odiferous gas clouds in public. Unfortunately, it always resulted in the immediate expulsion of a turd or two that ended up lodged in my cheeks where I could not reach around and extract them without the help of my husband to whom falls the envious task of cranking open my crack with the Jaws of Life and scraping the shit mass from my butt with a window washer's squeegee followed by a substantial douche with a garden hose.

So now I just go ahead and spread'm prior to all downloadings and forego the pleasure of pre-defecatory flatulation. You see, when my ass cheeks are spread out by the Jaws of Life, farts just whoosh out my bung with a sound more akin to a semi-truck's air brakes release rather than a rumbling, rattling roar of a tornado passing through a gravel yard.

But we all must make sacrifices in life for convenience and hygiene I suppose.

I gotta go now. I feel the onset of another bowl-filling movement. That'll make a total of five for today. See you guys again soon.

Two-ton Hilda.

mr.poobag's picture

usually I don't, as you say: "spread 'em", being a pooping man of QUALITY and PRESTEIGE!(in otha' wo'ds all fancy like). But if I need to I simply sit then push myself down, automaticly "spreading 'em". most of the time, I sit with my wang nearly toutching the inside of the seat, place my elbows just behind my knees, and rest my head on my hands.

Your biological father's picture

I have been put upon by the world and messed about. To quote Snog, "There's no use pretending your life sublime if it's anything like mine." Some people just have shit for lives I guess. Life is shit, and death is not the end, my mother always used to say.

Asslick McGee's picture

I have just recently started spreading my cheeks. Of coarse it is for easier cleanup. I can't really see how it would help with the evacuation itself, even with huge turds. Also I have diahreah(sp?) about once or twice a week. I have heard that not rinsing the soap off your cups after you wash them can bring it about, but I have been rinsing my dishes extra well since I noticed this happening so often. It is a problem because I hate cleaning up diahrea. Sometimes it splatters all over the underside of the toilet seat. Can anyone help me?

Joe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I had a whole bottle of Robitussin the other day. It stimulated my anus to clench up and i could not for the life of me squeeze one out. Since it had this intriging and erotic effect, I decided to have my brother bone me from the back, as I am typically very stretched out back there and my bro has to get off in my mouth. It worked great!!! If you have a problem with diareah maybe you should chug some 'tussin, or if you just want to have some butt fun.

Chuck's picture

I don't worry about cheek breadth or span when crapping on the loo. But if the urge hits me in the woods or somewhere without a nearby toilet, my cheek position is above and outside my feet. Sometimes a tree provides leverage.

Dave "Thrud" Smith's picture

As I said before, the Toto Drake is a wonderful shitter, and its seat spreads my ass cheeks just enough to form an enormous venturi thus proving handy to aid in evacuating those troublesome Rhino Turds. Still have note been able to plug it, BTW - managed to log jam it once, but a quick rearangement with the help of the plumbers best friend and the Drake shallwered it whole! Please note: no turds wee hurt in the act of re-arranging.;)

pyoowee's picture

An excellent way to mask the bathroom fart noises ( before I obtained an industrial vacuum fan that operates at 100 dB ) is to push the toilet paper up to your bung while you poo, this will muffle any stray wind trapped in the colon.
On occasion, you may have a wet sensation on your finger tips, which is likely a figment of your imagination. If you feel that your hand has been exposed, you can investigate this by using the TP Test: To employ the TP Test, brush the questionable digits on a piece of white TP, if brown markings appear, you have a condition known as manoscatiasis, which can be treated with a few shots of Glade or comparable bathroom freshener.

Bare-Cheek Jon's picture

My thirteen-year old bottom is of course smaller than many of yours, and I am not obese. But the way I sit means it is spread out to cover the hole. Occasionally I need to prise the two cheeks apart, but I am never really constipated, I'm pleased to say.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Spread your cheeks. It helps the brown lava flow more smoothly. And if you have a pyroclastic flow it doesn't get dooky ash all over your ass.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Ricky's picture

If (screw the if), because I take two fiber pills daily and the turd is kind of hard and lubricated, i kind of twist my legs one jutted more foward than the other. The turd just slides out, but beware the splash because if old Mr. Turd is a wide one, you'll get splash-back at maximum dilation. OK at home or in a freshly cleaned office toilet, bad in a "third world" bathroom.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Splashback is a bitch! I hate it when I am crapping in a cold shitter and the water splashes against my open asshole. The rest of the shit kind of retreats way up inside and refuses to come down again for days.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Magula's picture

I like to read the back of bottles, it seems to ease my poop out. I do, indeed, spreak. Maybe it's beacuse I have a flabby butt and I leave them closed...well, need I say more? Lol.

Magula's picture

Typos *sigh* *if I leave them closed. *Spread, not speak.

Cameron's picture

When I was a teenager, My butt cheeks were plump and pressed against each other, making my crack deeper. I had to spread my butt cheeks to take a dump, to minimise the sliding of turd against my inner cheeks, which would mean more cleaning up. Now I'm older and my butt has grown to its adult size and shape, the crack is not so deep and my butt is fully exposed when I sit on the crapper

iLuv2poo's picture

I like to give my cheeks a healthy spread in order to minimize cleanup time and effort. Yes, it's difficult during the "sweaty season" (which unfortunately here in New Orleans is about ten months long!) because you can't get the ass-traction to keep them spread. I also avoid using the covers provided "for my protection" because they slide on the seat and let my cheeks come back together. Anyone else have thoughts on that?

Anonymous Coward's picture

I spread. Once I pulled my cheeks apart too soon and my sphincter depressurised firing shit all over the seat, it wasn't pretty. Now I am more careful.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Usually the cheeks take care of their own thing when I sit, but, once in a while, my butt hits the toilet in an unusual angle and a little repositioning is in order.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Anonymous Coward, what were you eating? Damn! That's never happened to me even when I was on those stupid antibiotics.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

gabe turnman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i always spread my cheeks as far as possible

gabe

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Aren't toilet seats designed to spread your cheeks automatically?
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I just put them behind me.

Whitney's picture

At home, I sit back with great ease and lower my jeans/skirt/panties all the way to floor. In a public place, 90 percent of the time I don't use a seat toilet tissue but I sit over the front of the seat very gingerly and just far back enough so that what I release makes it into the bowl. Sometimes my poop has scraped the inside front of the bowl. By spreading my legs significantly I'm able to aid evacuation without exposing a large part of myself directly to the toilet seat. I also keep my jeans/skirt/panties as high as I possibly can, but without subjecting them to soiling. The latter also keeps eyes peering in from the crack between the stall door and partition from gaining any voyeuristic thrills. My grandmother taught me to be more discreet twelve years ago after school one night when I was in middle school, using a doorless stall and two boys walked in as part of a prank or dare. Finally, I will occasionally put toilet tissue over the seat when I'm traveling, at a very public place like a sports arena or when my 6-year-old niece is with me. I feel I should set a good example.

Makes Sense to Me's picture

I felt bad, but I barged in on a girl about 5 last week in a bathroom at an I-29 rest stop. She hadn't latched the door and there were no feet or legs showing over the front of the stool from below the door level.
What was so unusual was that she was using the facility seated over the right hand side of the toilet seat, feet dangling a bit and steadying herself by hanging onto the toilet paper dispenser roll. I assume that was less threatening to her than sitting over the larger front of what would seem to a child to be a very huge toilet. I used the stall next to her and could hear the problem come rather quickly: when she moved to wipe herself the sensor went off and triggered one very loud and splashy flush. Other than that, I like the idea and wish I had thought of it a few years ago when my daughter was growing up. We had several fights when she was about four and scared to sit over the front of the seat. The big black seats, sometimes even loose, sure didn't help her confidence in "sitting back" so she could be more comfortable. Placing a child over the side of the seat so as to give them greater confidence and something tangible to hold-on to is a great idea. The girl's mother, who used a stall a ways down the line, was complimentary of her and questioned her as to whether she wiped. I learned something during my poop: cheeks don't necessarily have to be positioned over the front of the seat!

Ass-phalt's picture

iLuv2poo: I use the toilet cover sheets to wipe with. As you say, they only slide around and ruin any cheek-spreading progress you've made to that point.

Anonymous: Yes, depressurization of the sphincter (caused by premature cheek-spreading) can indeed cause the occasional "butt-sneeze" you describe. Anal explosions and other ass-phalts like these are nothing to sneeze at. They can cause small children to fall INTO the receptacle and be automatically flushed away to join the rest of the sewage pouring into Cincinnati's drinking water. And I don't like finding toddler turds in my coffee at 6 a.m.

My technique -- developed over 20 years of "hit and miss" (which is just a crap-shoot, as anyone can tell you), requires the pooper to squat ABOVE the waiting toilet seat, grab both cheeks by the inner (and tender) tissues, then SPREAD those babies like the crack of dawn, sit and shit -- all in one smooth, graceful movement. So to speak. This not only insures an effortless poop-and-wipe, but also maintains proper rectal rectitude at all times.

Freeze-Frame Fran's picture

I'm 33 and I have never sat directly on a public toilet seat. When I was younger and my mom was with me, I would have been spanked or grounded. I know my older sister was a couple of times! I always put paper down. Yes it takes time, but it's worth it. Then I "freeze frame" just as my mom taught me and by not moving around, I don't get off the toilet paper. The biggest problem comes in summer when I'm hot and sweaty and the toilet paper sticks to me. I remember once showing up for the 3rd inning of my softball came with toilet paper streaming down my legs. However, I'm protecting myself and never had the misfortune to sitting in someone's shit or pee. Freeze-framing is simply a matter of surveying the seat first, its contour, and then postioning yourself accordingly. It would also save some of those people nationally that sit on sabatoged seats with glue or other toxic substances wiped on the seat.

 Tidey Bowl Man's picture

I`m Older and of Course
I don`t have that Problem I just sit and the Toilet Seat takes care of spreading Mu Butt.

Dropping Loads's picture

I always spread my cheeks to make way for my massive loads. If I don't, then sometimes I get fecal smears on my ass cheeks, which isn't good for business.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I always pull my cheeks apart as I'm sitting down; easier exit and clean-up. Yes, the toilet seat does assist in keeping the cheeks spread, but the preliminary pull-apart works best for me. I remember once trying to sit and go without parting the cheeks; hard job, messy wipe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have velcro strips on each side of the seat. I just spread the cheeks and sit. The ass hair is grabbed by the velcro and holds me in place.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

You should probably get a patent on that.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I plan on getting to the patent office as soon as I figure how to get my pants over the toilet seat.

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