Eternal Debates: Looking After Wiping

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Do you look at the paper after you wipe? Should you?

196 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Looking After Wiping"

Skid Marky Mark's picture

Yeah, this is really a pet peeve of mine. Too many people just don't know how to wipe their asses. The point of wiping is to completely clean up--no poop. At least 90% of the time, one swipe isn't enough. Sometimes it takes me over six until, like the Starship Enterprise, the paper has circled Uranus and wiped up all the Klingons. You HAVE to look, or else you don't know when you're done wiping.

How many times have you had someone walk past you, and you get a slight whiff of poop? That's someone that just did a one-pass-I'm-not-looking job of wiping. People! Grow up, and learn how to clean!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

You said my exact thoughts. I have nothing to add.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

I don't look. Eww. Poop comes out of your ass because it's meant to be as far from your nose as possible. You know when you wipe that there either is something on there, or there isn't. Why would you need to see it?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yes, I check out my asswipes every time. How else are you going to find out if you're making any progress in cleaning your hole? BTW, I'm ecstatic when by the first or second wipe, there's nothing left to do and the TP is clean. That should be the goal, IMO. To have nothing, or at least very little, show up on the TP before flushing, pulling up your pants and walking away from your dump.

I am also a standing wiper, checking out my turds visually before I begin the cleanup, and facing the pot while doing so. That about covers it.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

looky loo's picture

right on target.

Stinkbug's picture

someone please explain this to me- I have read a lot about wiping while standing on this site- It is so foreign to me, that I dont even understand how to do it- do you go from the top down, or from the bottom up? Dont you get poo everywhere? To me, its like taking a poop while standing- it can be done, but is probably going to be messy. If squatting naturally spreads your ass cheeks aside so that the anus can be properly cleaned, isnt that the most natural postion to wipe from? is this wiping-while-standing a European thing?

Riderman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ok Listen, I do look and I stand up when I am cleaning my ass. I mean.. How the hell can you finish your work if you don't even know the progress you are making while wiping? Sometimes, when diarea came into play or any fluid shits.. I check my ass by the mirror if I didn't make any shit-brakes overslices. But come on, you must check your TP after each wipe! Btw, I dont use the two side of a TP. I know some persons try to fold their TP recover of shit to try to get the other unused part. Fuck Off. Get a new TP roll of the core itself.

honey_monster's picture

wipe then look. How else are you supposed to know when you've got the all clear?

Not sure about the stand and wipe. I admit that I only look once I've wiped and stood up and that sometimes, the tissue hides the magnificent defecation which can be a pisser.

And I'm a folder. I cant understand the mentality of using loads and loads of paper. I've had some messy shits in my time, but none that has required half a loo roll. Saying that, sometimes its been easier just to wipe the seat rather than my arse. ;)

Riderman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

hahaha Good job honey_monster.. but If you dont stand up, that's mean you wipe on reverse when sited ? I mean you go from ass to balls ? (if female) ass to vagina?

I prefer the good ass-back method

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Honey Monster says: "How else are you supposed to know when you've got the all clear?"

By feel. Blind people do it, so should you.

Unless blind people use their noses. Uh oh.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

"Sometimes it takes me over six until, like the Starship Enterprise, the paper has circled Uranus and wiped up all the Klingons." - Skid Marky Mark

I agree you have to look but I'm wondering - - when you do one wipe and there's nothing you do another for safe measure? I do cause I just don't trust my ass sometimes!!

Skid Marky Mark's picture

On those rare occasions where I do a single wipe and it comes back clean, I quite Di. And I count myself fortunate. But now you're worrying me--should I trust my ass this way???

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

It's those nasty Klingons, SMM. Sometimes they "roll with the punches" and they end up where you "finish".

Jack Scat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I typically do the lift-one-leg bowl check in order to assess the quality of my leaving before burying it under what usually ends up being a rather large pile of folded paper.
Each of these neatly folded sections of bumwad are momentarily inspected before being discarded. Rarely are they contemplated for any lenghty period of time.
Like others around here, I do the shit ticket inspection in order to monitor my progress towards a clean ring but I also do it for the simply reason that I like looking at my own fecal matter.
I must say that I too am baffled by the practice of the vertical wipe. I am finished dumping for the day but tomorrow I am going to attempt the standing wipe for the first time ever in life and get back to everyone around here who probably doesn't give a shit.
Tomorrow then.

nunyabizz's picture

Skid Marky Mark said: "like the Starship Enterprise, the paper has circled Uranus and wiped up all the Klingons."
hehehe that was too funny!

PublicEnema#2's picture

if i have just recently showered i have been know to wipe up to 10 times.I look each time.Sometimes ya get those poops that start out your ass and then kinda explode all over the place.i hate those.I am however fond of those firm black turds that leave nothing to remember them by.A standing wipe is the best wipe,because a sittin wipe will allow ya to get a bit to deep and causes bleeding.

Greg's picture

I stand up, look at my creation, and wipe back to front, and yes, I look at the paper.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Answering Ty's objections to looking at your asswipes because it is poop and his "Eww!" comment, I would say the following: I enjoy pooping--the sensations, the sounds, and if I am healthy, the smells don't really bother me either. I am not disgusted by my crap or the act of wiping my asshole. I enjoy taking a good, healthy dump and then making sure I have cleaned my ass well. That means visually, as I don't think doing it 'by feel' is a very good system. At best, you are guessing how much crap is showing up on the paper. I assume you are not literally talking about 'feeling the paper' to see if it is sticky or something. Now that would be an "Eww!" for me.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

OnTheShitter's picture

Until I came to this site, I never for a moment considered that some people DO NOT stand up to wipe their ass. What do you do, lift your leg, look over your hip, and wipe? That's retarded. I sit, shit, stand up to admire/examine my creation, wipe, then flush. Also, most shitters I've ever been in are too cramped to allow you to lean over that way anyway. I also never considered that some people would NOT look at the paper after wiping. Duh, everyone looks. Of course, a "one-wiper" is the most desirable conclusion.

MotelShit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I want to hear more girls comment on this issue. Being a female, I of course have to wipe after #1, which involves reaching through my legs through the front and wiping the wetness away...However, If I do #2, I still reach between my legs from the front and wipe. It's so much easier...I don't really look at either. I just keep wiping and use a lot of TP so I know it's clean.

pooper trooper's picture

you wipe how you wipe, and however anyone does it is cool but i reckon theres an average/standard wipe procedure. i.e. one craps, waits, looks (standing), wipes (UNTIL CLEAN, i.e. looking, one must be sure, SITTING) you wont clean your arse properly if youre standing. and finished. not to much paper and not too little. there is always a healthy middle way. for all you extremeists, rock on! ladies all I know from my girlfriend is; arse: front to back. piss: back to front.

Justa Girl's picture

Yeah, Di. I never quite trust if there's nothing there on the first wipe and I always do another, just to be sure I didn't miss anything. When we build our new house I want a bidet so I can be sparkly clean every time. A clean anus is a happy anus.

corn_fritter's picture

Some nasty girl on here said she wipes from the front. Unless you like your "kitty" poop flavored when ya eat it, stay away from her. Good lord you are the only woman I have ever met who liked to wipe poop across her pootie.

Surprise in pants's picture

My after-pooping system is identical to pooper trooper's gf. And I would like to pose a question to those who stand. Not to be unnecessarily crude, but how do you avoid getting poop on your hands, fingers?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I always stand when I wipe. I've never done it any other way. How else do you wipe without bleeding or smearing shit all over the back of the toilet seat. And yes, I check the paper after I wipe because I don't like skid marks. When it comes up clean I always do a second wipe just to make sure.
By the way, as I girl I will report this. I stand when I pee to wipe the front. I also wipe the back seperately from the front of my asshole to the back. I don't understand why some people try to clean up both pee and poo in one swipe. It leads to a stinky, piss-wreaking pussy. That's gross!
Wish some friends of mine would catch on to this. Either that or keep their legs closed.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Surprise in pants: You take aim the same way you would if you were sitting with a generous piece of TP. If you're careless, you can get poopy fingers, etc. no matter how you wipe. My standing wipe technique is to lean forward a bit with a bend in my knees and my ass jutting out a bit. My spine is not rigid, which will increase the likelihood of smearing. I think you are much more likely to get poopy fingers by wiping too hard and tearing the paper, or having too thin a wad/fold/scrunch to wipe with. Really don't think sitting or standing comes into it, to be honest.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Definition of Eww: A girl wiping her "kitty" from back to front. You like getting poop germs from your ass up there? Sick!
Pooper trooper - do you notice a funny smell when you go down on your girlfriend?
Justa, I want a bidet too. They rock!

Mrs Shameless Shitter's picture

Hi all! I have been 'absent' from this site for a month due to some nasty surgery: I had an emergency sigmoid colon resection December 20. Talk about poop! I didn't go for a week, due to a couple of tumors I didn't realize were thriving in my bowel. I have a ten inch incision on my belly, and surgery literally saved my life. I must have had a thousand people come into my hospital room and ask me if I'd had a bowel movement yet. It was cause for major celebration when I finally did. To comment on this query, from the female perspective, I must weigh in and say that I cannot imagine a woman standing up to wipe! I never have. If you peed, it would run down your legs by the time you stood up to wipe -- what a friggin' mess. I think women must remain seated, grab a healthy wad of tissue, and go from front to back several times to clean up after a good dump. And yes ... I definitely look at the toilet paper!

Honey_monster's picture

And there is one crucial advantage to looking at the TP. IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!!

Think about it. Bowel cancer has the symptons of blood in your stools which you would be able to detect when wiping. Imagaine the horror and dread a person must feel when they think everything went swimmingly and then see a fair amount of blood on the paper.

Brave souls indeed. So remember, always check your TP.
Right kids?

looky loo's picture

yes i look after i wipe but so is other dudes looking at me also. why. it is fun. show time.

Riderman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

At my first guess, I think a blind man will poo and then wipe 3-4 times. I mean, after 4 wipping it must be clean or the ass-shit become all dry. Now enters the idea of wet wipping 1 or 2 times. Only thing is the blind man can't see: it's if he overpasses his crack to put some shit on his butt, far away from the hole. This is the only problem. I guess it will fade away with time or after a good shower though.

tainted starfish's picture

This brings to mind the eternal question..."How does a blind man know when to stop wiping?" Ponder while you poop.

honey_monster's picture

That ones easy. They just smell the paper.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I do have a problem with wiping a fixed number of times. After a few wipes, my ass can hurt like hell, especially if the last thing I ate was extra spicy. That is why I wipe until I (Litarally) can't see shit! Also, sometimes I get the shits, and I need like 20 wipes to get the shit off. I really don't want to smell the paper to check, because
1. My ass will smell bad anyway, due to the location, and sometimes the sweat.
2. As soon as I get the shit away, I keep it away. I hate having shit near me.

Riderman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Yeah well, I don't think smelling the used TP with shits on is a good idea anyway. Even if it smells good or bad...I mean, it still you smell your own fuckin shit no ?

young dude's picture

I usually take the TP, wad it, and shove it in my ass and move it up and down three or four times. Then, after abusing it in that fashion I look at it, then drop it in the toilet. Normally I sit when I wipe my ass, especially while using public toilets with no doors on the stall.
Then the next wad of TP will get used in the same matter. I always check the TP to see how bad it looks. When I am completely satisfied, I will stop and pull my underwear up. Being a guy (and for some reason I think we are more prone)my underwear still seem to get skidmarks. I think my underwear spends a lot of time in the crack of my ass. I just bought some new underwear a while ago and most of them were abused by my ass already. I am a dude who is definitely not overweight but sweat a lot while working out and such (probably the best reason I can give for the skidmarks in my underwear). I even went through a period of washing my ass after taking a shit but, screw that, that is too much work. I just don't like my girlfriend to see my shit marks in my undies, it does embarrass me some. I actually could care less about the underwear.

Doctor Poo's picture

Okay, i have a few comments...
1. People who stand while they wipe are just crazy. Don't you cheeks come together and cover your hole? I sit and have never stood in my life. It is more relaxing and easier to reach. The only problem i have ever had is if the water level is just too low... oh man that sucks.
2.Yes, i do look at my poop on the TP. If you don't then later that day ur ass will burn and u have the possibility of getting a deadly rash that will make pooping even worse the next day.
3. Many people have their own technique of wiping, but i wipe from back to front(the only possible way for sitters). You have to have stlye and skill at wiping or you will never make it in life.
4.Wet wipes are always good for the burning poops. After your normal dry wipe, you get a good wad of TP, wet it in the sink(only good for at home), set it on the hole and let it sit there for a minute of two.(Be careful for dirty water dripping off.)This will definetly help.

Can anybody ever be comfortable pooping in a dirty public restroom?

Poonurse's picture
j 1000+ points

I always look, and if I am clean after only one wipe I feel as though GOD HIMSELF has rewarded me in this special way. It makes my day.
Unfortunately, this rarely happens. I usually have to wipe about 6 or 7 times, and even then it is still a bit smeary. I feel as though I could wipe all day and still have a bit 'o the brown left over. I leave skidmarks frequently in my drawers, I am ashamed to say.

My husband is a standing wiper. I can't figure that one out. I lift up one cheek and go from there. Maybe I should try standing....

young dude's picture

I remember the first time I took a crap at my girlfriends house. I told her I had to take a shit, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and out it rushed. Since I ate fast foods the night before, it was a bad smelling shit that day. That was the first my ass came in contact with their toilet. The only problem, when I was done taking a shit I noticed the toilet paper roll was empty. A quick search of the bathroom, not even a spare roll available for my use. As you may of guess, I had to call to my girl. She came to the door and I told her I needed a roll of shit paper to wipe. Now comes the strange part. She came to the door with a roll and actually came inside the bathroom. I was a little uncomfortable at first but she actually seemed happy to be in there. Now, this is my question, Is it possible for ANYONE to enjoy the smell of shit? Sometimes my shit smells so bad I don't even want to be in there but I have to be. She has come in quite a few times while I take a shit. I don't mind her being in there but just curious why anyone would want to be there. She even watches as I wipe my ass. Since I am an average size guy, it don't usually take me too long to wipe my ass. Once while spending the night with her (I was drinking and she wouldn't let me drive home), while in bed before sex she got under the blankets and smelled my ass. It was a great sensation. Question: Is it possible for anyone to like the smell and taste of ass (especially after one that was just dumped from a while before)? or was she just trying to give me an unforgetable sensation?
Sorry for such a strange question but been curious for a long time now. Since I work on construction and still young (age 24), I keep myself in pretty good shape. She is very much atracted to my body (I guess it would now be safe to say, every inch. lol.) I do love her and her desires or likes do not take away anything from our relation (in a lot of way it makes it stronger).

Mrs Shameless Shitter's picture

Young Dude, I want to address you comments above, but I must be delicate here because MY FATHER HAS NOW JOINED THE WEBSITE and is regularly conversing here. I don't know whether to be proud or pissed! Anyhow, I don't go in the bathroom while my husband is in there, but I confess ... I do love to smell his tush. I stick my nose right in there. He pretends to be embarrassed but I can tell he likes when I do it. Mostly I hope that he's 'fresh as a daisy' when I stick my nose into his crack, but if he's stinky down there, I don't hesitate to let him know!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I stand when wiping because I stand when peeing. And my tight ass cheeks have never closed off my asshole from the toilet paper.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

squeakypoopchute's picture

I once took a dump that needed 52 wipes. You have no idea how awful that is. Yes, I counted. Yes, I'm fucked in the head.
Here's a little trick I use: When it's time to wipe, I look at the water, where(when the light is good) I can see the reflection of my bunghole. This helps me avoid reaching down there and wiping a halfer all over my ass.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I dated a guy once who came out of the bathroom at a bar we went to and smelled like poo. I tried to deny it, but he was the source of the poo. When he opened the door to my side of the car and turned to close it, I got a whiff again. It was the last time I ever went out with him.
I think he was a non-looker.
I look and wash my hands every time. I'm a vegetarian, so sometimes it's kind of Jackson Pollocky.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

honey_monster's picture

Psychologically, defecation is the most private act a person can do. Followed closely by masterbating and picking your nose.

To be able to let someone watch you (in a true shameless shitter action) is a feat that has my respect. I take my hat off to you.

*tips hat*

anonymous coward's picture

What's all this business with toilet paper? I just scoot my ass along the bathroom carpet to get clean!!!

PublicEnema#2's picture

i wonder what ya gotta eat to get 1 of those no-wipe,1 wipe craps.They truly are the shit.But since those are so rare,i like to line my shorts with toilet paper,though a bit uncomfortable.On those hot days i dont wear underwear and i leave a brown streak in that seam that runs across the crotch of my blue jeans

Lady Ballbuster's picture

Ladies, if you get nothing else out of this debate, remember the golden rule of wiping: FRONT TO BACK. Recommended by gynos everywhere, it prevents you from wiping fecal matter into areas where it doesn't belong, which can result in a really nasty infection.

Also, I don't get this crap of wiping while sitting down...I sure don't want my hand to slip and make contact with toilet bowl water, let alone fecal matter. Yuk! Stand and wipe, that's my motto!

the sniffer's picture

for the guy who asked if someone could actually enjoy the shit's smell... well, i do, it's real turn on to me (or should i say, a real turd-on?)In general, i'm really aroused by corporal scents, like feet sweat and others. It's just that it's hard to find gals who are into it... but i can tell you guys i have touched myself while sniffing on my girlfriend's asswipes. I don't think she'd like to know that, i prefer not to find out.

ookie dookie's picture

Hey, I've got a question, what do you guys do when you've taken a nice smelly dump and lo and behold... THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER?!!!! Does anybody actually use their hand anymore nowadays?

Poopedem's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I am in awe of the standing while wiping technique. I have never tried this. I do the 'lift one leg and look' also. Yes, I do look at the paper. I leave no kibbles behind. I would much rather drag a knuckle through the crap water than have a loose dingleberry drop onto my pants or even the floor. Although, I need to try this at least once.

ookie dookie's picture

How about you Mr. Big Wiper? What would you doo in the case of "no toilet paper?"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I always use the empty brown tube. If none are available I call my cats.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Nate's picture

I have a rather unique way of wiping that's neither standing nor sitting. I squat when I poop (I heard that aligns your colon better and makes for a more thourough evacuation), and so I just wipe while I'm in the squatting position. This spreads the cheeks while also making it possible to wipe front to back, although since I'm a guy the direction doesn't matter so much. Squatting also makes it easier to get a good look at the turd and the TP.

looky loo's picture

you dudes need to learn to butt wipe. first you hold to balls and your prick up towards your pubic hair and go through the front to wipe., getting just the hole. no skids here. trust me.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

ookie dookie: (like your handle, BTW!) There have been a coupla times that I have been caught without TP. The first time was when I was 15 and went down to the DMV to take my driver's license test. I put that up as a story ('DMV BM'), and it is archived on the PoopReporterRoster under The Big Wiper. That particular time I asked the guy in the next stall for help, but he had none to spare. But he did direct me to another bathroom where I found some after doing the penguin walk on the way.

There was another occasion where I found myself without some. This was at an airport, and the bathroom was crowded. I had dumped before looking, but the guy next to me cooperated by handing some TP over to me under the stall partition when I asked him to help me out.

I had some other thoughts on this: if you have no TP and no one around to help you out and no other stalls to investigate, you might use the TP core that might be left on the dispenser to do a scrape.

I'd ask for help first from somebody else in the bathroom if there was someone there. And then you could consider going out for some paper towels from the paper towel dispenser.

Worst comes to worst, you got bad skidmarks, unfortunately. Either that, or you sacrifice a pair of brief/boxers,etc.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Well, when I have no TP for my bunghole, I may:
1. Scrape my crack with the paper tube.
2. Run to a location with TP.
3. Use the shower.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The sink works well, too. If you're not to heavy to sit on the edge and wash your ass.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

ookie dookie's picture

Geez, I guess this is why they have bidet's in other countries. You really can't go wrong then, huh?

bootykawl's picture

Hell yea, you look after you wipe...until the paper comes clean, other wise if not yer wearin skid marks on your tighty whities. I once got a public stall without TP, I got creative and used the tissue paper seat covers... pulled up my drawls and looked for a stall with some for real toilet paper... rewiped and was good to go.

PJbrownstuff's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You have to look. Otherwise, how do you know when you are finished?

experimentertinstien's picture

i just thought of a new name for poopreporters! hows about shit fuckers!!!

paul's poop's picture

Did you ever try to write on the walls with your used tp to impress the following shitter by the sickness of your shit's color??

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

A friend's mother in law had to use baby wipes once because they were out of paper, and now when she comes to visit, the babywipes mysteriously disappear faster.
If I am out of paper, I never fear. For some stupid reason, I almost always have kleenex in my pocket, and I carry those MRE toilet paper minis in my purse.
I'm a mom. I think we all do this.
Oh, and Paul's poop, what the hell was your childhood like? You really have to answer for that. Actually, if you want to have some fun with it, eat a blueberry Kool Aid packet and then wait about a day.
You will amaze even the most colorblind.
My childhood was nuts.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Gman's poop's picture

How does a blind person know when they are done wiping their ass? Is their enhanced sense of smell good enough to differentiate between the shit in the pot and that shit still clinging to the paper in their hand??

che's picture

interesting. and how do they know if they get a $20 back in change or a $5? or a $1?

sight rules!

Deuce Fan's picture

stand or sit? look or no look? I am a shower after ALWAYS shitter! I take my dump every other day and its in the confines of my sanctuary at home. Afterward, I may or may not wipe at all...its straight to the shower for some pre clean rinse and then a series of wash cloth and soap cleaning ritual. How can you feel fresh if you dont? There is always residual and moistness left after every poo seesion. Only in emergencies does a shower not follow!

PooperGal's picture

I check when it's a soft poop, because it's guaranteed that there's going to be a lot of wiping. Smooth-slides of firm poop clean up quick and easy, and don't need a backward glance.

A few years ago, the first moistened butt wipes came up on the market. The marketing research by the manufacturers (Johnson & Johnson, etc.) indicated that a large number of people wet their toilet paper under the faucet before wiping, as it does a better cleaning job than just with dry paper.

That was revealing. My can is next the sink at home, and I always wet the TP before wiping when it's a messy poo session. But when I'm in a stall somewhere, and the sink is across the room, I use a little "spit and polish."

Eastern Mystic's picture

Why the fixation with TP. Their are nations that haven't bothered with paper for this, water has done fine. It has always puzzled as to when Europeans started the whole Oh-Iam-so-clean-look-at-me-I-use-paper business Wonder what they used before paper was discovered. I real miss cleaning my butt with plain old water. You just cannot go without the joy of water coursing through the follicles around the ring. (I suggest you all try it. If you can't bear to get your hand there use moist tissues for a start.)

(If I miss my country, it is only for this reason.)

PooperGal's picture

Because it's hard to splash water on your butt without getting shit on your hands - unless you have a bidet. Getting shit on your hands is unhygienic and a good way to spread disease.

Most people don't wash their hands with soap and water after crapping, and then they go and handle doorknobs, prepare food for other people, and otherwise taint the environment around them. Recently, there was a serious outbreak of intestinal disease in California, because some jerk pooped, got it on his/her hands, didn't wash thoroughly, and then handed green onions that were later used at a chain of restaurants.

TP at least puts some kind of barrier between your hand and poop.

Dook of Earl's picture

I was not a looker until I had kids and realized just how much can be left behind by dry paper. Any parent who has been caught in public with a poopy toddler and opened up the diaper bag to discover in horror that you've run out of wipes and have to use TP knows what I mean. You CANNOT get clean without looking, especially when using dry wiping materials. Proper procedure is as follows: 1.dump, 2. glance at product and marvel at its color, size and consistency( I do this by looking down between my legs) 3. wipe, inspect paper, fold, wipe, toss paper 4.repeat step 3 until clean (while sitting, of course. I like the front to back side cheek wipe myself.). Also, with regard to those who stand and wipe, are you keeping one hand free to separate the butt cheeks and really clean the seal? If not, don't even try to fool yourself into thinking you're clean. The only sure way is while sitting.

Dook of Earl's picture

Another question for standing wipers. If you've just endured a particularly messy incident, do you still stand and wipe? Aren't you afraid of schrapnel falling down onto your clothes, or running down your leg?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Well you shake off before you stand, Dook.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

fart monkey's picture

If you wipe more than 4 times, you probably ain't done shitting.

I always look at my poo paper. When I see blood, I know it is time to get of the pot.

the grim wiper's picture

Wiping can be such a chore. How is it possible that there can be anything left after wiping and wiping?

I usually go in the morning, but not until I get to work. We only have two washrooms; each has one toilet and a sink, decent fan, and a locking door. Not a bad set privacy. If either door is closed, you know someones in there. There's no rude knocking, or jiggling the door knob.

Anyhow, what I frequently do if I'm encountering an eternal wipe situation is I hop right up on the sink counter with my ass in the sink, run some hot water, and soap myself up. Why not? Squeaky clean, dry myself with paper towel, and clean the sink with hot water and soap when I'm done. No one the wiser. Is there anyone else out there in the entire world that does this, or am I a freak? Is this wrong?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I wash in the sink whenever I get a million wiper. It's easier on my cornhole.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Stand up, take a look at what you just blessed yer shitter with, and proceed to wipe. Reaching back and wiping bottom-to-top until no more shit is on the paper. Then, wipe top-to-bottom for the finish! Spotless!!! No skidmarks in the whities and no skidfilter farts!

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Skidfilter fart-Blasting a fart through a skidmark in yer drawers. This would make an otherwise scentless fart scented!

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Skidfilter fart- Filtering a fart through a skidmark in yer drawers. This would make an otherwise scentless fart smell like the shitty, sweaty skidmark it just passed through!

CanadianPooper's picture

I know that most women will wipe their 'kitty' when pooping, but do any of the guys out there do it? I'm a sit-down wiper and since you invariably piss while you poop and don't have the chance to do a 'shake down' -- I think its a requirement to wipe your drainpipe after wiping your rear or face having increased smegma/pee buildup (especially if you're not circumcised). For those that are stand-up-wipers, you're at risk of dripping unless you wipe your pecker too. So does anyone else do this? Even at urinals, if I happen to have tissue handy its nice to wipe up -- just feels much cleaner!

As for the sitdown vs standup issue - I've tried both and the sitdown works better. Standup makes the cheeks mush the hole a bit and invariably makes for a messier wipe session (at least for me).

Sitting Wiper's picture

Would anyone have guessed that so much could be written on the subject of how we wipe our bottoms? Perhaps the time has come for a toilet paper company to finance a department in a university devoted to the subject. Large departments have a chair (the seat of which could have a hole in the middle)or, for a smaller department, a readership. Chairs have a professor, and readerships have a reader. The latter might be a bit confusing, because another department might soon be needed, on who reads on the toilet and who doesn't (perhaps financed by a publishing company).

I have never asked my friends I've made since childhood, who of them sits to wipe, and who stands. I have taken part in wiping training for three boys - my own younger brother and my two little sons. We have all assumed that sitting was the norm.

Also, in our younger teenage stage, one or two friends sleeping over night at each other's houses would often all be in the bathroom together in the morning. We all sat to wipe.

Actually my best friend of that group and I went through a stage aged about 11 and 12, when we wiped each other! This was repeated out of necessity when older - when going camping, sometimes we had to squat in the woods, and we found it easier to wipe each other. (The one who had been wiped, and whose hands were still clean, had to pull down the pants of the other one who had done the wiping!)

I told that best friend and my younger brother about the standing position to wipe. We have all tried it, and can't do it properly. The sitting position opens up the hole - for things to be free to come out, and also for the toilet paper to go in. I like to push paper in as far as it will go and have a thorough clean.

My seven year old is a perfect wiper, with no soiled underpants, and the four year old is getting there. His older brother or I give a final wipe when he has finished just to check, and before long we won't have to.

We believe in conservation, but we also believe that you shouldn't economise on toilet paper. Because we have a high fibre diet with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, our 'droppings' are moderately soft. We take some time to wipe.

Splatter_Dan's picture

I look just as an after thought to make sure there is not any blood on the TP. Only happened twice, but it always concerns me.

Hiroshita   (french guy sorry)'s picture

Once i did the 69 position with a cute and sexy chick.
As you know I had my nose really close to her anus,
It was smelling so damn bad I lost my stiffy.
The reason is evident: This girl was not a tp looker.
Not looking at your TP is WRONG WRONG WRONG

Jimbo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I too stand up while wiping, but as of late, a disturbing trend has begun occur: shedding. Yes, I say shedding brothers and sisters. This event occurs when during a wipe, small, dryer bits of poo, roughly the size of rice, fall unwittlingly to the floor, the toilet seat, etc. Then, I must spend the next 2 minutes wiping this mess up as well...

diggy doo's picture

some of you must have big hands, b.c i've never in my life gotten my hands wet in the toilet water.
i'm a sitter. it's the only way. seriously. i work at a jack shack, so i've seen the bowels of thousands of guy's drawers. i guess i'm qualified to speak on the topic. now i understand why about 80% of guys have the skids. they stand. the great mystery has finally been solved. we all thought guys were just plain disgusting, a different breed from us ladies, but it really stems from a lack of proper childhood training. we actually have guys that leave turds on the sofas. it happens a lot more than you think. and it just ain't right. neither is the guy that tries to pay us to eat mexican and then shit his face, but i guess that's a hole different topic..
how can you walk around with a shitty hole?? i heard this on a radio show once- Confucious say: go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger...

the girl without a name's picture

Why have several ppl commented on bleeding if you wipe sitting down? How hard do yall wipe? Sure- it takes 4 or 5 times but you dont have to dig in there. Yall should get something checked out...

SecretPooper's picture

I have to look to make sure I am clean; however, I have not one issue addressed. Do you ever wipe and wipe and wipe and wipe again and NEVER get a clean return? Where is this poo hiding to avoid detection?

clean assss's picture

every time i wipe i wet the tp manny times and then when i am done i wash with soap and water there is nothing worse than a rot ass

Slim Jim Junie's picture

Well, girl without a name, not all anal bleeding is caused by TP friction. I mean how many people have pinched a loaf that was a 1/4 inch too wide for their anus? Sometimes thqt can make people wonder if they are bleeding. Also, in cases where the shit isn't moving out without a high powered grunt, it sends more blood to the anus, and if the walls are already thin, it can bleed. Another problem can happen with flamming Habanero dumps. They can irritate the skin so much that the anus can't take it anymore!

Bears Do it's picture

I am comfortable with shitting in the woods. When camping and what not you may not have tp readily availible. Remeber after using leafs aways rewipe when u get back home.

fn's picture


Poop Doggy Dogg's picture

Yeah, I look at the poop after I poop and after I wipe, I look at the paper, and keep wiping ad nauseum, but get this: I was married to a man who licked the toilet paper before wiping. Oh God. My dear old dad used to dab the toilet paper with a drop of water from the sink before wiping, ostensibly for the same purpose (increasing cleansing power, maybe?), but licking was where I drew the line. Any other lickers out there? I shudder to ask.

lookyloo's picture

I am a front wiper with a hairy ass. but you guys with a hairy ass should stay away from the charmin tp. it leaves tiny lint balls all over your but hair nad in the arternoon when you get home check your underwear out that is where the skidmarks come from. any guys out there had this happen?

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

PDD, I would never lick the TP, but after a lot of spicy butt mudd, I do need a little water from the sink to cool off.

Sitting wiper's picture

Licking TP - could you say that is bad taste?

The sitting/standing debate. I've tried it - when on my own, and no chance of my young boys wandering in - and I just can't do it.

There is no shower option for me - because I do that when I get up before breakfast. My trousers don't ask me to pull them down until after breakfast.

I USUALLY know when I have wiped clean without looking. My 7 year old boy is now confident enough not to look. Our four year old no longer needs us to give him a final check-up wipe, but still shows us his dirty paper, with a running commentary until it

make a swish foundation's picture

yes i like to drop reek then peek. It is the only way to know your clear. Otherwise you run the risk of the time wasting, disconcerting rewipe later in the afternoon. Is it different from blowing your nose and looking at the tissue. There are similarities and differences. I look at the tissue not to confirm that I am done but rather to see what the fuck is coming out of my body. Is that boog green. Similarly with the sit and shit the peek just confirms that all is clear as well as an anal report card. How am I doing in reverse mawology. Did I pass my exams.

Sitting Wiper's picture

What a superb description of toilet paper - an anal report card! Some writers on 'Poop Report' elevate this basic human function into something poetic and beautiful.

andy's picture

I stand when I wipe, its the only way. I can't fathom how you can possibly fit your hand under your ass so close to the shit and wipe. Sometimes with one hand i will pull my ass cheeks apart to get the TP right in there.

Also i have an extreemly hairy ass, its revolting and i have to shower often. Its IMPOSSIBLE to wipe a hairy ass clean after a messy shit with just TP.

I also like to inspect my shit, one to see if its got blood in it but also im curious to what my shit looks like.

werewolf pooping on trees's picture

OK EWWW!! A hairy butt? Can I give you some adivce? If the hair is making it hard to wipe, why don't you shave it or something? I recommend the Perfect Touch, it doesn't hurt at all.
Of course, if you mean there's even hair in your buttcrack, I can't help you.
But that was off subject. I do check my toilet paper, even though I don't think that's very ladylike, I'm not into being ladylike. I usually have clean poops(almost nothing on the toilet paper) but looking at the paper can tell me if I'm starting my time of month before it ruins my panties.

Poopie's picture

You HAVE to look after you wipe. If you don't, how will you know whether or not you're clean? I usually have to wipe at LEAST 3-4 times to get myself squeaky clean. I wipe, look, wipe, look, wipe, look, until the TP comes away clean! I'm sorry, but those of you who DON'T look are UNCLEAN. As for this "standing to wipe thing", all I can say is... WTF? How the HELL can you properly wipe yourself when you're STANDING? When you're sitting, your ass cheeks are separated, making it easier to clean up down there, but when you stand, your ass cheeks are smooshed together, therefore also smooshing any residual poop all along the crack of your ass. Ewww. Sitting to wipe, and wiping 3-4 times minimum while checking the TP each time, is the ONLY way to be clean, as far as I'm concerned!

Sitting Wiper's picture

Like you, Poopie, I can't wipe standing up. I've tried it, while reading this website. Someone has written on another forum about wiping small children standing up when you separate their cheeks to push the paper in. I've done that -wipe others' bums when they are standing, but not my own.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I've found the opposite. I can't wipe sitting down or I end up with poo marks on my buttcheeks.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Count Poopula's picture

I only look when I get up to wipe with the baby wipes.

Beer Shits and Smokes!'s picture

Don't laugh, but I am a smoker. Upon awakening I walk outside with a cup of coffee and a couple smokes to start my day -- er, afternoon, if I spent the previous night partying. Like so many others, when the "beer shits" come, do not hesitate and rush to the toilet. They will almost always start after a couple sips of coffee and a few drags left on a cigarette....

..When this happens to me, that is -- when my stomach or bowels start gurgling, I squeeze my ass cheeks tighter and tighter to hold any coming explosion (all in effort to finish my cigarette!)

When I think I have my bowels under control, by twisting my legs into a figure 8 and thus squashing my balls, I feel I can control it and have another smoke, or perhaps take tiny baby-steps down the driveway to fetch the morning paper, then go to the bathroom!...But something always happens it seems...I feel something dribble down the backside of my leg. Yep, its liquid shit!!!!

Yes...30 years old and I still shit my pants! Anyone else so foolish as I am?

Open Says Me's picture

When I was six years old, I had an accident wherein my right knee had to be stitched up and a board and wrap was applied behind my leg to keep it straight..As some of the stand-up and wipe crowd would know, doing so would cause me a problem as how to wipe my backside...No worry, for my sisters gagged and puked and wiped my ass for me! It took two of them, one to help me stand and puke while the other gagged and wiped.

To this day I stand and wipe... I face the toilet, placing my right foot on the edge of it and reaching over to my right side with my left hand I spread the cheeks. With my right-hand I then wipe, check and rewipe if necessary.

givetp2me's picture

There is a site for everything. I have had a few
weeks in a row where every wipe seems to be 1/4
roll of tp. Must be something we can eat different to change the texture of our shit.

Ex-Soviet's picture

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you the related story of why it is important to wipe your (especially hairy)ass clean - a full medical examination was taking place for new 18 year old draftees for military service. One of the doctors was a proctologist. He demanded you to bend over and spread your cheeks to obtain full view of your asshole in its full glory. So one of the guys does what he is told. The doctor looks at it and says "Next time come to me without the croutons." I leave it your imagination...

1 poop 2 poop 3 poop....eww's picture

I just started to catch on to this, and it may be helpful. If you hold your poop in, say you're in a car or out somewhere, and you wait till you get home to take your dump, then it'll take forever to wipe your bung clean. Sometimes for me if that happens, I have to re-wipe periodically after I poop, like every 30 minutes. It's really weird. I've never told anyone about it, and I'm wondering if it's common. BTW...I love this forum!

Ben's picture

Since I am a squatter, I already have a full view of what has been released. I always sit for the wiping and look to see if it's all clean. At home, I also use the bidet. When shitting on the road, I always wipe again when I go for the next pee sitting down

Stand is the only way's picture

I cant fathom how people sit when they wipe. Standing makes its easier to clean, especially if it is a "dirty poop" When standing, the suction from the butt cheeks forms a vacuem and the poopyness is contained and when you wipe, from front to back, you break the vacuem seal and wipe up everything. NO dirtyness. I have tried a few times sitting, and it just doens;t work. if you are taller than 6 feet as i am, it is almost impossible and you have to hover instead of sit. Your arm gets touched by your penis and gets all dirty and because you lack the butt cheek vacuem, the poop can drip on your wrist. It is just not practical for upright bidped humans. Standing is the only posible way. Then you can check the tp and toss it in the toilet.

poopy's picture

i dont care!

Le Poo's picture

Never forget to look.

Ben's picture

Standing is BAD. Just imagine all the shit push together as you stand. Sit, wipe and check!! ANyway, the anus is more spread when you are s itting or squatting. Isn't life complicated enough? Why make more hard work???????

JJ's picture

Ehh... I first take the shit.... then i get my wad of toilet paper, stand up and face the toilet... looking at my shit while i wipe my ass from the sak up towards my back... and after i insepct the peper to see if i need another wipe...

theres nothing wrong at looking at what you have created... if you can look at your piss why not your turd...??? its yours.. dont be ashamed of it

stone_cold_steven_hawking's picture

You always look after to take the number 1. Every shit is different. I've had gastric bypass surgery, so it gets interesting sometimes. Sometimes it's normal, other times, especially after you've eaten something sweet or really greasy, it's runny. This one time I swore I pissed out of my ass.

This one time, I was drinking this red punch, and it went right through me. I didn't realize it at the time, but when I had to take a dump, I was all worried because it was red, and I thought I was bleeding internally.

All shits are different. Some feel good, some others are comparable to birthing a child. Some make you stare in awe and wonder of your child. My record was two feet long.

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm a female and i go through half a role a day-- damn proud too! First I take handfulls of TP and wipe from top to bottom (a little bit above the ass to about halfway to the vagina but not yet making it there) lest I FEEL the little klingers being bulldozed by the TP at which i just drop the TP into the bowl w/o looking. Then I repeat till all klingers are gone. Then I LOOK at my TP to ensure I'm skid mark free. Sometimes I do it till I bleed. And I don't stand or sit, I kinda HOVER above the toilet, slighty bent forward. And inbetween my wiping, I also wipe from front to back (vagina to ass) Cuz as females, you don't want poopy bacteria around yer coochie-- thats one way unrinary infections start. You females NEED to wipe your coochies too after yer poo! And you men need to wipe that fleshy area just behind ur ballz too.

I feel so obsessed w/ wiping my ass and I hate making the poor thing bleed, but i don't know any other way..

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

hey STONE COLD, 2 feet long??? LMAO ROF!!! thats sick!!!!

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh and one more I forgot to mention-- I NEED water to feel clean. Even after I've wiped till my ass is bleeding and skid mark free, I jump into the shower and wash my ass with soap and water-- removable shower massagers are a plus.

How can you ppl just wipe clean and pull up ur underpants? I've tried it and it feels so gross. Not to mention charmins and their damn lint residue!!

Chit Winterwheat's picture

My stepson uses too much toilet paper. He blocked the loo once. I myself have only ever needed to use ONE piece of TP. ( My ass is generally pretty ripe though ) The only time i had to use multiple toilet paper was when i ate some fresh mackerel on holiday. Boy did i regret it. I was driving the car into weymouth when my guts started gargling like some demented fecker with a sore throat using TCP. I tried to squeeze my ass cheeks together and think of something else.....but the inevitable happened. The shit exploded out of ass like a fecking nuclear bomb ( only worse ) The shit was more like gravy than shit.....extremely runny but with the odd lumpy bit. When we got back to the caravan i decided that it was no good and that i would have to use TWO pieces of TP. Boy did that break my tightfisted arsehole heart.

Joseph Todlog's picture

Well, I'm a stickler for ass cleanliness. I can't stand any itching. I wipe, standing, front to back a few times. Then, I (because I fold it) push the paper as far into the darkness as I can and swirl it around. I do this until it is either completely clean or the bloody has become more than the shitty, which bites at times, especially during bad days where I have to go several times. I think I have an oversensitive ass...I bleed EVERY time I use cheap institution paper, but only if I go three or more times in a day with good ole quilted northern.

Ass blood bites, but man, itching is worse.


p.s. Go front to back, if you go back to front, the shit gets into your choad and sweats onto your balls. If you've ever had your balls smell like shit, that's why. (I personally never have, but by process of elimination (and asking my friends personal questions when they bitch about their ball stink)) I've come to determine that back to front leads to stinky boys.

It takes a lot of TP's picture

I have to use a lot of TP. Mostly because I'm fat. It's like I keep wiping and wiping, and there's still more to wipe. Plus I'm drunk, so I'll have the beer shits in the morning. Those always smell nice. Srlsy

WelshBoy's picture

I thought everyone stood up to wipe. I have however experimented with wiping sitting down when feeling either too lazy or physically drained to stand. My findings were that the process was extremely difficult, and still required a final standing wipe to completely remove all traces of exctrament.

I do worry that many people are unaware of how to wipe properly.

MidEastCrapper's picture

ok, ok... I really have to ask how the hell people use water to clean their ass... I mean, ok. I'm in Baghdad, right? The Iraqis don't have toilet paper in their lavatories.. they have a squatting (Asian style) toilet and a pitcher filled with water. I SUPPOSE what they do is fill the water in their hands and splash it on their ass while squatting over the toilet? How does this get your ass clean? I mean, splashing can't get all the crap as when you WIPE it! That would mean that they actually put THEIR HAND IN THEIR ASS to clean the shit out... this disturbs me..
Also (this applies to bidets also) How the hell do you dry off? Do you just walk around with a wet asshole? How do you avoid getting poopy water all over your clothes? I am genuinely curious..

Oh, yeah, I'm a standing wiper. I really don't understand the logistics of putting your arm under your leg and wiping your ass! There's no range of motion! I've tried it before and rendered impossible. The right way is to stand- bend over slightly, seperate the cheeks with one hand, and wipe with the other

i'll have the poopoo platter's picture

Of course the best way is to shit just before a shower, that way you can be sure you're gonna have a clean fresh ass for the rest of the day. Unfortunately this is not always possible, in this case my preferred method is to wipe sitting down but I almost always require a final standing wipe or two to finish the job properly. Now that I know standing wiping is more common place than I previously thought, I may try standing during the whole wiping procedure to see how that goes. Also I don't understand how girls can put their hand between their legs and wipe front to back in a kind of pushing motion, surely it's easier to go around the side and pull backwards. I've only known girls to use this method but maybe some guys do too, maybe someone could shed some light on the logistics of this issue for me.

ahh's picture

yes some men do it this way by taking the paper going around the back wiping and then looking a the tp, although I continue to experiment I usauly do it that way and sit by the way something this new eara can still do is wipe

WTF_Gorn's picture

LOL Ty. If poopie was meant to come out of us as far away as possible, we'd all be pooping out the heels of our feet!

WTF_Gorn's picture

Oh yes, and another thing. I never use TP. Can you beleive it? I don't poop ultra clean or anything. It just doesn't feel sanitary, so why should I use it?

Before you start thinking"oh, this guy is soooooo gross, he walks around with poop still on him, I can't even think what his laundry must look like!", I always go #1 at home. And if I'm out, I'll hold it until I get home. That why, after I'm done, it's straight to the shower to get myself cleaned up. Or in those rare occurences where you can't possibly hold it, I'll use TP in a public bathroom and take a shower as soon as I get home.

Archimedes's picture

Dear all
I was in India some time back and those fuckers hv a gr8 way of cleaning their rings
They have this jet kinda thing attached to the toilet seat
When u r done with shitting u just turn on the jet which washes away ur anus squeeqing clean
Then u can use regular tp to clean away the shitty water
really works wonders saves a lotta time, u dun get ur hands dirty and ur ass is clean like it neva shat
i m actually gonna ask my pal to get it from iindia next time around he visits us

p.s my record fastest ass cleaning time has been 38 secs flat
now can u beat that?

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points

It never even occured to me not to look.

Crack kills

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

As I have stated before.. How the hell do you know if you're clean if you don't look?!?!?!


Oh, and merry Christmas!


I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

IcAnPUTmyDONGnMYAhole's picture

You gotta fold the TP, then whipe, then double take the TP.....DONT ACT LIKE IF THE TP HAS A SPOT AND YOUR IN A HURRY YOU WOULDNT STOP WHIPING!!!!!!!!.......but you gotta wash up real good......IM FUCKIN WASTED!

2literTurd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The first wipe is called your 'Picaso' In public bathrooms I always like to ask the guy shitting next to me if he "wants to see my Picaso" and then surprise there it is. I also like to take my 'Picaso' and hold it under the divider and ask 'is this clean?'

Anonymous Coward with huge penis's picture

the entire process of shitting and attempting to keep yourself clean after wiping is one of the things that i revere most in this world. my ass is so hairy that you could knit a sweater with its clippings - which proposes a problem. but so does a clean shaven ass/bung because i have had smeary, unsuccessful wipes after completing this process as well. i just may go on a hunger strike so i never have to shit again.

Looker's picture

how do blind ppl know when 2 stop wiping their bottoms?
I really don't understand... I'm thinking Bidet but i think only like 5 people in the world own Bidets so that would mean some blind people do it some other way!

Pantsdown Pete's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Guys, you MUST look!

Pantsdown Pete

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

the dog tells them when they're done.

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points

Hey, listen 2literTurd... you are a freeking turd terrorist. Reform your ways or get ye gone.

Crack kills

TurdyTreeAnaTurd's picture
l 100+ points

My Dad used to like to tell a "story" from his youth. They had an outhouse and he claims that they used corncobs to wipe with. He said they would always take 3 corn cobs with them: 2 red cobs and one white one. First you would use a red corn cob, then use the white one to see if you needed the other red one.

Le Stink's picture

OK, I feel righteous in making the claim that I am a *PROFESSIONAL SHITTER*.

Usually I have to undress completely and put my hair up for fear of backsplash. I take monsterous dumps (my bf actually calls me "Dumps") and I am proud of my creations. Almost always, my poo creates tidle waves when hitting the toilet water. Not because the water level is low, but because my logs (using 'turds' is inappropiate b/c they are so big) are so hard and enormous.

Secondly, I find it enjoyable to smoke a cigarette while shitting. My boyfriend gave me this idea. To those of you who don't smoke, I'm sorry. But to those of you who do, you'll understand what I mean. You know that morning coffee and cigarette are just the formula necessary to clean those bowels in the early morning. That cig helps get it brewing. And I'm not gonna lie, it feels damn good.

Now, I always look at my crap. Always. It's funny. I've even taken pictures of my largest ones and made my bf look at them. We get a kick out of it. Most of the time my logs will break in half b/c the bottom portion has hit the bottom of the toilet and can't go any farther, and the broken ends are fun to critique ("oh, it resembles a hippo!, etc.).

Since I'm a chic, I always wipe from front to back. I don't want shit getting into my vag b/c that's nasty and dangerous. Very bad. So I take a big wad of toilet paper AFTER i flush my doodie and make sure I get the little ass clumps off before wiping. Otherwise it will just smear my shit all over. I have clogged my toilet many times in the past, and my parents are always yelling at me for it. So you should flush before putting the first TP in the bowl. I also always wet the TP with water from my sink, which it conveniently right next to me so I don't have to get up. You need to do this because it ensures your bunghole will be clean. Baby wipes are also a slick option. YOU NEED TO LOOK WHEN YOU WIPE GUYS!! That's just sick if you don't. You can't tell by feel.

I've had the runs and my asshole gets so numb and soar that I can't tell quite when I'm done. What do you do in situations like that? Go by SMELL? I'd keel over and die if I did that b/c my poops are sick. And FOLD the TP when you go to wipe, don't crumple it, because you don't know if one of the little edges will have poo on it and then get on your hand. They stick out and they made you butt soar. Just fold it so it is smooth. And yeah re-using is fuckin nasty, whoever first mentioned that I totally agree.

I definately wipe till my ass bleeds, unless it's a ghost shit and there's nothing on the paper. Then, of course, you need to wipe a couple times to be sure. You never know, shit can be tricky. I recommmend water with those as well.

Some funny things to do:

1) I like to call someone as I'm taking a shit and make them listen to the plopping sound as it hits the water. It's great.

2) Invite your significant other into the bathroom while shitting (sometimes your comfortable in relationships to leave the door open anyway). After you've wiped, show them the shit smeared TP and exclaim, "CHOCOLAT??"
Hahahahaa. I do this one allll the time.

3) Don't put the fan on or spray lysol, and then ask someone to "come here for a second?" and then pull them into the bathroom and lock the door so that they have to breath in your shit stink. So funny.

Well that's all my warped mind can think of for now. Happy Shitting!!

-Madame Le Stink

Le Stink's picture


Where does this wiping front 2 back (away from vag/peen towards butthole) require an under the leg manuever?

I've actually had a co-worker ask me to show her how I wipe like that. I simply lift my little ass off the seat a bit , legs spread slightly. Then I place the TP a little before my butt hole and wipe. How is that hard? I suppose it's easier the thinner you are b/c she was a fuller woman and said it was harder for her b/c of that. But squatting over the bowl is better b/c if it's a hard shit, any pieces that might fall off will land in the bowl and your cheeks are naturally spread.

Yes? No?

2literTurd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey, Cracktacular... I have been called a lot of things, but Turd Terrorist has never been one of them... I like it. Hey, Le Stink... will you marry me?

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