Eternal Debates: Which Toilet Paper?

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Which toilet paper?

89 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Which Toilet Paper?"

Jack Scat's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I like the soft, quilted kind but I'm too cheap and perhaps environmentally conscious to buy it. I should also add that the selection of shit tickets here in the Czech Republic is not at all like what I was used to in Canada.
I buy a brand called Big Soft even though it has the same texture as those paper towels they put in the dispensers in elementary school. It's kind of like newspaper that was wetted and then allowed to dry.
So they shouldn't call it Big Soft. They should call it Really Painful but Cheap Bumwad.

JT's picture

Scott is the best and more for your money. I'm 31 and was raised using Scott. It also never clogs your shitter and is environmentally friendly.

Chuck's picture

Kleenex Cottonelle with Aloe & E, heavenly and smooth. Ahhh......

ThreePly's picture

I'm a Quilted Northern type of guy. I want to feel like I'm wiping my ass with paper that matches the comfort of something grandma used to sew.

PoopIsMyFriend's picture

I just use Marcal since it's cheap. If they're out of Marcal, Scott works fine. My ass isn't that delicate that I need to pamper it with pillows and bear fur. If you make a real mess, take a shower.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

None of that soft, quilted, wimpy shit for me. It clogs the pipes and smears the ass. I usually buy the store brand TP at Wal-Mart, though I do have to compromise with my wimpy-assed fiance and buy the kind labeled "soft." It's not that soft, though. Just right.

pooQueen's picture

I am with JT all the way. That nasty quilted crap is an almost guaranteed ass full of tissue dingleberries. I like Scott because it is cheap and besides, you're wiping your ass...not polishing jewels.

PoopIsMyFriend's picture

Ahh yes, the toilet paper dingleberries lol...I hate those! My college roommates used to buy expensive quilted northern that left me feeling like I just got pelted with a spitball.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I usually have whatever decent brand is on sale.
However, for million wipers or asses of fire, I keep a Kleenex Cottenelle roll hidden under the sink. In those cases, my ass needs the least amount of abrasion possible. Otherwise the last few wipes leave red skidmarks on the TP and undies. Also it can be quite painful to use any TP that is thin in those cases.

MotelShit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I HATE quilted, extra soft with aloe/lotion and extra layers. I agree with JT. Scott all the way. It folds up nicely and leaves my butt feeling clean - not lotion-y. AND, when I pee and wipe the front, that quilted stuff leaves little balls of TP all over the area. Ick.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Scott. It lasts a while and doesn't leave skids. I'm into no nonsense toilet paper.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

JT's picture

I hate those little toilet paper balls that get left on my with that fluffy stuff. Nothing worse that having a woman go down there and find TP balls!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I like Angel Soft and Quilted Northern.
Scottie's is like using a fine grain wripping sandpaper.
No, I don't know by experience, why would you ask?

Anyway, those Kleenex flushable wipy things would have been awesome after I had my children. Those are pretty cool for "messes".

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Oh yeah, forgot to tell you.
If you are an animal lover, please don't buy Charmin. Proctor and Gamble do horrible animal testing. If you're into killing bunnies and torturing things, it's the way to go.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

nunyabizz's picture

OK, I admit it... I only read 4 or 5 posts on this thread. I'm in a hurry so I just wanted to share my fave t.p.
#1 Kleenex Cottonelle. I get it about 9 out of 10 times. I have the dispenser thingy that holds t.p. and Cottonelle Roll Wipes, which are very nice and come in handy at times.
#2 Quilted Northern. The 1 time out of 10 I don't get Cottonelle, I get this.
I hate rough toilet paper! The worst is the cheap brands that are also apparently too thin and my finger breaks through! Nothing like goosing yourself when your red eye is a brown eye. I also really hate t.p. that leaves those little rolled up pieces stuck in my butt crack and linty t.p. Charmin leaves so much lint behind, it's like cleaning the lint trap on the dryer. Store brand t.p. always sucks no matter what. If it says "soft" anywhere on the packaging it's false advertising!

Stephaknee's picture

I hate using the kind of toilet paper that is so heavily lotioned that it dosn't get anything when you wipe. My toilet paper needs to be soft yet productive.

Chuck's picture

To eliminate the dingleberries I take a last swipe with slightly damp Cottonelle. It knocks down the paper dust and verifies the clean sweep. No paper dingleberries here.

Poop Diddy's picture

I hate the extra soft t-p, it is like planting seeds for dingle-berries. I kind of like the standard store brand paper, you know, the 30 grit tp. Gets the job done and no dingle-berries.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

With all the varying ideas on what works best, I think maybe houses should have 3 TP dispensers next to each toilet.

MotelShit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh and I love the pre moistened baby wipe type things after a messy poo. Cleanliness!!

Shat On's picture

Cottonelle is #1 in my books.......
but anything that keeps you from breaking through and touching the taint is ok with me

Crap Conissuer's picture

No matter what toilet paper you use, take this test:

1. Wipe your ass with $your_favorite_ass_wipe
2. Take a baby wipe... (yes, a baby wipe... LUVS and Huggies brand seem to be the thickest...) and wipe your ass with it.
3. Look at the amount of shit that was still on your ass-crack (even after "wiping til no brown" with $your_favorite_asswipe)

I guarantee you will always use a baby wipe after wiping with regular ass wipe from then on.

Your milage with this test may vary, depending on how much beer you drank last night or if you have recently eaten bean based foods.

No I'm not queer... I just like to have a clean ass.

Crap Conissuer's picture


use Good::Hygiene;
use Toilet::Paper;
use Baby::Wipes;

$favorite_asswipe = "Angelsoft";
$favorite_babywipe = "Luvs";

open (ASSCRACK, "/var/ass/asscrack");
@asscrack = ;

for $streak (@asscrack) {

while (my_ass() ne "clean") {

print "Now I have a clean ass!\n";

exit 0;

Poonurse's picture
j 1000+ points

The dogs prefer to eat the quilted kind, so I thought I would outsmart them and get the cheap stuff.
Didn't work. Now they eat that, too. Back to putting it up on the windowsill again.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

We have a problem with cats hunting the toilet paper. Fortunately my dogs leave it alone.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Scatilla the Hun's picture

I have to agree with PooQueen- I don't like the fuzzy stuff, but I must admit that sometimes after the backspatter on the mudflaps it is nice to have something soft against the family jewels. Usually I polish my jewels with baby wipes- and you know- keep them in a warmer just like for a baby- they are the cleanest and most comfortable and guaranteed not to cause any 'rrhoid rage. Those cushy bogrolls only plug up the crapper if you use enough to do the job. Plus my asshole cats sharpen their claws on the soft rolls!

Jaid's picture

I grew up using Scott and I continue to use it.

However, my folks have more disposable income now that my brother and I left home, so they buy the more expensive Cottonelle. If I have to poop at their house, I can't say it gets me any cleaner, but I use less of it than I do of the Scott, simply because the more expensive kind is thicker...

Al's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Charmin Ultra!!!! double roll
it lasts and lasts. unfornatly i stayed at a relatives recently and charmin clogs their shitter like you would not believe, it doesn't help that they use to much 'cause theyre used to the cheap shit.

The Brown Frown's picture

TP is one of those products taht really makes me laugh. I mean, you buy it to throw it away. EG: Baking soda: you take it home, open the box and then dump it down the drain. Garbage bags: Again, you take them home and the first thing you do is throw them in the garbage can. What great marketing. TP is along the same line it lives a horrible life of being chopped down, ground up, soaked in bleach (sometimes perfume) and then is wrapped up in plastic. When it finally gets out, this poor soul of what was once a beautiful tree is shoved up someones stinking ass, gets covered in shit, and then spends eternity in raw sewage. To answer the question, I buy the cheapest poop tickes possible.

John's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i dont use toilet paper. i usually use my hand one finger atta time by the time i get to the third finger the cling ons are gone and then both sides of my hand to finish the job. Hey its cheap enviromentally friendly and if i am in a fist fight atta bar i can smack the sh*t outta someone.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Hey, The Brown Frown,
Howabout' this one, a company that makes boxes to send to companies that use boxes for their products?

This means the box company is the only company that makes its own boxes.

Just thought I would contribute.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

i like to poop's picture

You people are idiots! Toilet paper sucks. I use my fingers, they get all the gunk out. Then I flush, and leave the bathroom. Simple.

EternalPooper's picture

i like to poop: Are you some nutcase? Or some retarted 13 year old trying to be funny?

asswipe2000's picture

I like to use sandpaper cause it gets all the shit out.

Handman's picture

I use Anything that is lying around. Socks, Clothes, Cardboard!

sandman233's picture

I enjoy using Poison Ivy leaves because it leaves a tingleing sensation on my bottom. I also tend to use the ever so handy newspaper "right after taco night" My hands are very good at that too. They are silky smooth and I like to smell them right after am done.

FreePOO's picture

To the man who uses Sandpaper. Doens't it hurt? I tried it and it maade me bleed!

asswipe2000's picture

What grit are you using? 180 works best. make sure to wet it before otherwise it scratches

Thepaperhog's picture

I wanted to debunk a myth about Russian toilet paper, and think I'll have a lot of people here who sympathize with me. Contrary to popular belief, it's not 'like sandpaper'. It's a little tougher, true, but functional - and never rips in your bunghole like Quilted Northern, etc. It 'gets good traction' like a good pair of sneakers.... Coming back to America, I find our toilet papers are too soft and slippery, like suede shoes. They either rip in your bunghole or are so covered with lotion that they're as slippery as an eel in heat...only here could we think of Aloe for your anus..who needs that shit?

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

If the last thing you ate was too spicey, you need aloe.
I suppose there isn't much spicey stuff in Russia.

Thepaperhog's picture

Good point about spicy food - there aren't many jalapeno-type things in Russia that can rip you a new asshole the way Taco Bell can. I have to ask everyone - with all the debate about paper, surely to God most of you take a shower if you're shitting at home? If I have a 'second-wave poopie' I'll take a second quick shower...My wife keeps an empty bottle by the shitter to give her ass a little waterfall after she craps. If I have a Taco Bell shit during the day, I'll stuff a wad of TP up my ass to avoid getting stains...

Meagan's picture

I like Cottonelle, especially when I am pooping on my period and blood comes out.

Ricky O'Turd's picture

Cottonelle is the best that I have found, it sure as hell beats the corregated cardboard type shit at schools.

Gordy's picture

Butt Holes...
Everyone has one and they all stink!

Chuck's picture

I was having an awful day at work: grumpy clients, drivers screwing up most orders, traffic was horrendous. My day took a 180 degree turn for the better upon visiting the grocery store. Cottonelle Aloe & E was on sale: 99 cents a four pack. I grabbed two armfuls. Destiny turns on a dime. My day turned for the better on six dollars.

brawny's picture

Use paper towels. They won't shred up in your hairy ass.

dookie dog's picture

I go for the cheapo Scott generic put out by Rite Aide it's about 7.00 for 12 rolls, I'm on a budget, it's comfortable. Sometimes I get a homeless person pounding on my door and I just can't turn em down. People are people we all gotta shit.

Someone's picture

Are you people retarded? Talking about freakin toilet paper and poop

RectalRanger's picture

No we're not retarded you freakin jackass.I think Huggies is the best.It cleans off every bit of crap,your anus won't itch anymore.

reckless rectal's picture

I have to say I searched the web today looking for a better brand of toilet paper. I'm frustrated with Charmin, Toooooooooo much lint, and I knew there were more of you out there, like me, with an opinion on the matter. May I say I feel truely enlightened. FYI I believe I will be trying cottenelle and Scott's, and maybe a box of flushable-pre-moistened for those not so fresh moments. Thank-you All

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Brawny, I have used paper towels in unuasual situations, there are problems.
1. The texture irritates the anus.
2. Using more than one can plug any non-pressurized shitter. Yes, even the ones that use much more than 1.6 gallons.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Brawny blows ass as a paper towel! Every time I try to use one it just pushes the mess in front of it. If I want to demonstrate a storm surge for a science show I'm doing, great! Otherwise they blow chow!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Biff McGuire's picture


wiping with TP is a primitive and unsanitary method of cleaning, which will soon go the way of the horse drawn carriage. Those who study the history of wiping will become the "Revolutionary War Buffs" of the poop community.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, pretty soon we'll all be using the three shells, anyway.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous's picture

I just had loads of fun reading the comments. I am doing a little research on toilet papers and came across this website. This website is cool!

InvisaPoo's picture

Any sopt TP is good with me but other kinds....

CharynK's picture

Charmin clogs.

I bought a large pack of Charmin from Walmart and when I brough it home, my roommate told me that it was bad for the sewer and that it would clog. I asked him what was his basis for that and he said it was on a news report on TV. One of those "on-your-side" investigations. I told him, that's just silly and I used it for a day. Yes, one day, because the next day, everything was clogged. Toilet, tub, sink, sewer. I had to spend $125.00 to get a plumber to break up our line and clean it out. Charmin has lost a customer for life, and I'm telling everyone I know how faulty their product is. I didn't believe it, and thought it was an urban legend, but my experience has borne out the truth. Do some research on Charmin clogging the lines and you'll see it's a common problem. I had no issues with Charmin before, but now, they're banned from my house forever.

CharynK's picture

here are a few links. hopefully still active when you click on them. search for "charmin" if the story is too long.

For a more scathing report:

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Great Scott!!!!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

innocent bystander's picture

this place is too funny ... but it made me feel good ... it's nice to know other people out there buy baby wipes to wipe their butts *smile* ........ niiiiiiice !!

Two-plop Shakur's picture

based on my careful and accurate observation and analysis of various asswipes, i have concocted a list of my top 10 favorites.
*note to the disclaimer: author not responsible for subsequent rashes, irritation, or other dangerous side effects. list is based solely on personal preference.

1-when i first come home after a long, hard day of work and many meals from McDonald's, the shit inside my body is so thick that i fear it may boil over, so much so that it may leave an irreparable burning sensation. like on christmas, when my blind grandmother makes her famous meatsauce. anyway, i like to come home to a wipe that is not only smooth and satisfying, but also gentle and efficient. sandpaper is my number one choice. not only does it eliminate all possibility for any excess dingleberries, but it calms my asshole before he even has a chance to get angry about the torture i've put him through.

2-keep in mind that i'm no commie, but when it comes to the strength of communist colons, i have utmost respect and admiration. they're so strong and tough they can probably lift 50 lb barbells. toughest assholes in the world, without a doubt. that's why, when i feel like working out, but decide to take a dump instead, i always go for the russian toilet paper to be sure to terminate all fecal remains! wanna see me flex? ;D

3-if there's one thing i can't stand, it's the list of pathetic bitches taking up precious space in the personal ad's of my sunday paper. you all give me diarrhea, but it's all good, because i wipe it up with the picture of your scrawny face. i always feel better reading the your ad's the following week, knowing that within minutes you'll be covered in shit. myyy shit!

4-when i was out in maine chopping lumber, i was intoduced to something new and original. I never expected it to work but once i started i could not stop. Brawny is the choice of lumber jacks. The texter is perfect for the rugged butt cheeks you develop while working in nature all of the time. I find it superior to the ussual leaves you find some men using. It's moisture locking grids really help after eating that rich food. I still talk to my lumber jack friends from time to time and they are still using brawny religously.

5-despite my rugged manly exterior, i occasionally like to feel pampered. so before i venture on to my masseuse and pedicure appointments, i usually drop the kids off at the pool. & i love the way Angel Soft makes my buns feel warm and fuzzy afterwards :]

6-admit it, we ALL have tough times in the bathroom occasionally. nothing seems to go right, no matter how hard you try. but hey, "when the tough gets going, the going gets tough." remember that the next time your shit seems to be stuck deep within your anus. instead of giving up in times like these, i grab a fresh picked cucumber from my garden, wash it off and sanitize it, and carefully use it to obscure all excrement. that's why cucumbers are number 6 on my list. they do the job like KFC does chicken. RIGHT.

7-whenever i hear the spice girls these days, i think "wow, they sound painfully constipated." almost immediately, i feel a poop attack come on and rush to the bathroom. i sit there for minutes-sometimes hours, just trying to get it out, becoming infuriated with stupid british teen sensations. finally, the race has been won. 3 plops in a row. by this time, i'm so happy at the end that i start to sing a little song. poop, all that i want from you, is a promise you will be there. [yeaaah! i want you!] i'm always sure to cleanse myself with my choice of an outdated spice girls compact disc.

8-Once in awhile I want to feel sexy in the bathroom so I grab a feather. It has a pseudo-erotic feelimg. After that I like to grab my women and tackle her to the ground for a sweet session of love making. Tickling my ass hole with a feather really gets me going and cleans my butt at the same time. It doesn't have quite the same clean as other things....but it mixes pleasure and the bathroom and that is always a good thing...right guys?

9-9- Oh Charmin, my Charmin...where to begin? Charmin is such a good brand if you like the security of a clean bum hole. It really takes care of everything with little tearing (from your eyes, the paper and your bum hole). My grandmother introduced me to charmin back in '91. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was sitting in her house doing the perfect poop when i looked to my left side and noticed no T.P. I yelled murderously for help when suddenly the bathroom door flew open, GRANDMA TO THE RESCUE! I love her so mych she saved my life that day and introduced me to one of the best things I have ever used to wipe my anus.

10-i have no shame. if you haven't figured it out by now, i am disgustingly obese. sometimes i feel it coming on, and i can't quite make it to the bathroom in time, and on the off chance that i do, i'm so out of breath that i pass out and let my bowel movements have a mind of their own. i wake up to a huge puddle of soupy, green feces. my first instinct is to blame it on the dog, but then i remember, i ate my dog. i have no dog. instead, i gain composure, slowly lift myself up off the floor, and bust out the swiffer wet-jet. without a doubt, the swiffer wet-jet gets those hard-to-reach places, thoroughly cleaning each and every nook and cranny. for unexpected explosions, be sure to have one on hand.

thank you for your time.

poop master flex's picture

sometimes a good shit really gets me going...and when i'm done i don't know what to do...then i started buying scott's and it really keeps me clean down there....poop be gone!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This post is just as annoying as Charmin's commercials! Just say it was Charmin for God's sake.

PS, Charmin sucks!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Country Boy's picture

I hate it when my wife goes to the store and buys that pansy soft!

To get the really stuck on crumbs you need a paper that has a grain. Everything they have at the supermarket is a bit too light for me. I like to grab one of those industrial strength super-sized rolls of sandpaper they have at the local gas station. It really gets the grit out, and leaves you feeling like a man.

EFRO King's picture

Just wondering, is this website sponsored by America's major corporate toilet paper makers? I'd like to see some discussion of more sanitary alternatives to TP, so that the United States can get out of the dark ages and stop being "Scratchy Dirty Ass-Crack" nation.

Sooner or later bidets are going to come along and put TP, and the nasty pastime of wiping, right out of business.

Company TP is bad!'s picture

When I shit, it is usually at work. They have the industrial type Scott tissue that is like sandpaper. It leaves my ass hole bleeding and itchy. I'll follow up with an alcohol pad and it will sting, but it takes away the itch and the bleeding.

NoShitq's picture

Cheap toilet paper tears my ass up. It's Angel Soft all the way for me.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I usually use Seventh Generation brand.

I was using Charmin, but I found out that they test it on animals, and have since stopped using it.

Ok, I admit. I am a bit of a tree hugger.
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

Baby wipes are the way to go.

Big Female Pooper's picture

I like to use the soft type toilet paper. That industrial toilet paper at public bathrooms makes my ass hurt bad. I like angel soft, cotonelle or something like that. It makes my but feel good and it gets the job done with using the least amount of toilet paper necessary. I use a liberal amount of toilet paper, so much I clog the toilet a lot and have to use the good old plunger. So I poop, flush once or twice and then wipe and flush then wipe some more then flush. I flush a lot but I don't want the toilet to clog up on me