Eternal Debates: Which Toilet Paper?

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Which toilet paper?

89 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Which Toilet Paper?"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

poopthatsmellls ... I see by your profile that you are 23 years old, you should be able to purchase a paper that suits your asshole better rather than using your parent's supply of the rough stuff.

A happy moment for any parent is when they are no longer responsible for the butt wiping of their children.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

poopthatsmellls's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I love the soft kind cause it can wipe it all up in just a few wipe but my parents buys the real cheap kind and it can take a while to wipe

Scottish Steve's picture

Argos catalogues all the way...particularly enjoy pages 325-362, the jewlery section for that classy wipe... Personally don't wipe all too much though, enjoy the crusty sensenation around my ring piece

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Use corncobs and you can rinse and reuse them, no clogs in the pooper.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

we used charmin mega roll it's good with no dingleberries... that's the plus. The bad part is it clogs the pooper. Will now try scott.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

What ever you have. If it is high quality, enjoy it. If it is the cheap stuff, do not worry about being "green" use as much as you need to get rid of the brown.

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

Any toilet paper that doesn't stick to your asshole.
I prefer soft

Russell the shitting queen

Chief Thunderbutt's picture

I get a laugh out of toilet paper companies that advertise that their product is "facial quality".
My face is out in the open and is exposed to extremes of temperature and pretty much anything the environment cares to throw at it. As a result my face is one of the toughest parts of my body.
My asshole, however, has spent it's entire 67 year
existence sheltered from the elements, dwelling between two large fleshy cheeks which effectively protect it from the elements. As a result my asshole is much more tender
than my face.

I demand that my toilet paper be "asshole quality"
rather than "facial quality'. The worst I ever used was in Iceland almost 50 years ago. Designed for the Viking asshole it could be used for refinishing furniture. Sam's Club store brand is about the roughest I care to use.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Someone above mentioned Seventh Generation. I've tried it once or twice because someone said it was environmentally sound. The problem is that the roll only lasted a couple of days and by the end of the month the whole package was gone. How environmentally friendly is that?

Now my Scott can last up to a month a ROLL. We bought one of those big bargain packs in November and even with four people in the house it hasn't run out yet.

Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Brynn's picture

I am not a kid anymore but I have gotten used to the embarrassment of having cottonelle kids, either that or charmin extra strong. My mom and sister are big fans of the charmin with lotion, but to me, it feels like my but is still wet. We have agreed to have both on hand at all times, and if I don't have my kind, I just use paper towells.

Monsieur Merde's picture

Has anyone noticed the new Cottonelle with Aloe and E? The label has changed and now the TP is less Cottonelle-like and more dry. My g/f noticed it right away. She uses a square to take off mascara. The aloe would help, but now she just says it's "Dry, dry, dry."

PoopBeGone!'s picture

The Marathon 2 ply product at Costco gets the best performance/bang for the buck. It's not too disintegratingly soft like the crappy Kirkland dingleberry stuff but solid and absorbent.

It seems harder and harder finding it at Costco. They're selling more of the Charmin & Northern brands nowadays.

Aside of the Marathon stuff, I like Trader Joes brand--similar qualities to Marathon. Scott is also good.

My wife is using the baby wipes nowadays since its more hygenic and more expensive....but she says only one wipe does the job better than any toilet paper. I'd probably have to use 4 wipes for my 6'4" 225 lb. butt so I stick to TP to save on the pennies.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I prefer Tabby, or Manx...Angora leaves furballs...and Mexican Hairless just sux...

yeah, they are cats.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I agree with POOPerlou-Scott is the best I've tried. I took a shit at work the other day and used the government issue TP. Had to use about half a roll and felt raw as hell afterwords.

POOPerlou's picture

scott freaking rocks. it is very gentle after having children because i have a big ass hemmroid and it is very soothing when i shit.

Anonymous Coward's picture

What I'd like to know is what is the more economical, toilet paper on rolls or facial tissue you use on your ass to avoid dust bunnies and other linty things.

CaCaFoooey's picture

Cottonelle all they way. I want no chance of any breakthrough. Rough paper on hemmorhoids after the birth of my almost 10lb son...Uh, no thanks. Charmin is crap I refuse to use. It crumbles apart and leaves behind...uh... the vaginal version of dust bunnies. Not sexy!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

That is funny!

Marathon is a common commercial product; lots of offices or large employers get their cleaning supplies, as well as paper products from them.

I guess Marathon more refers to how often the janitor has to stock stuff, huh?

Anonymous Coward's picture

I once worked a job where we used the nastiest, roughest, thinnest toilet paper imaginable, and the funny bit is the brand name was 'Marathon.' I always imagined their motto should be 'When you're in for the long haul... Marathon Bathroom Tissue.'

Big Female Pooper's picture

I like to use the soft type toilet paper. That industrial toilet paper at public bathrooms makes my ass hurt bad. I like angel soft, cotonelle or something like that. It makes my but feel good and it gets the job done with using the least amount of toilet paper necessary. I use a liberal amount of toilet paper, so much I clog the toilet a lot and have to use the good old plunger. So I poop, flush once or twice and then wipe and flush then wipe some more then flush. I flush a lot but I don't want the toilet to clog up on me

Anonymous Coward's picture

Baby wipes are the way to go.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I usually use Seventh Generation brand.

I was using Charmin, but I found out that they test it on animals, and have since stopped using it.

Ok, I admit. I am a bit of a tree hugger.
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

NoShitq's picture

Cheap toilet paper tears my ass up. It's Angel Soft all the way for me.

Company TP is bad!'s picture

When I shit, it is usually at work. They have the industrial type Scott tissue that is like sandpaper. It leaves my ass hole bleeding and itchy. I'll follow up with an alcohol pad and it will sting, but it takes away the itch and the bleeding.

EFRO King's picture

Just wondering, is this website sponsored by America's major corporate toilet paper makers? I'd like to see some discussion of more sanitary alternatives to TP, so that the United States can get out of the dark ages and stop being "Scratchy Dirty Ass-Crack" nation.

Sooner or later bidets are going to come along and put TP, and the nasty pastime of wiping, right out of business.

Country Boy's picture

I hate it when my wife goes to the store and buys that pansy soft!

To get the really stuck on crumbs you need a paper that has a grain. Everything they have at the supermarket is a bit too light for me. I like to grab one of those industrial strength super-sized rolls of sandpaper they have at the local gas station. It really gets the grit out, and leaves you feeling like a man.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This post is just as annoying as Charmin's commercials! Just say it was Charmin for God's sake.

PS, Charmin sucks!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poop master flex's picture

sometimes a good shit really gets me going...and when i'm done i don't know what to do...then i started buying scott's and it really keeps me clean down there....poop be gone!!

Two-plop Shakur's picture

based on my careful and accurate observation and analysis of various asswipes, i have concocted a list of my top 10 favorites.
*note to the disclaimer: author not responsible for subsequent rashes, irritation, or other dangerous side effects. list is based solely on personal preference.

1-when i first come home after a long, hard day of work and many meals from McDonald's, the shit inside my body is so thick that i fear it may boil over, so much so that it may leave an irreparable burning sensation. like on christmas, when my blind grandmother makes her famous meatsauce. anyway, i like to come home to a wipe that is not only smooth and satisfying, but also gentle and efficient. sandpaper is my number one choice. not only does it eliminate all possibility for any excess dingleberries, but it calms my asshole before he even has a chance to get angry about the torture i've put him through.

2-keep in mind that i'm no commie, but when it comes to the strength of communist colons, i have utmost respect and admiration. they're so strong and tough they can probably lift 50 lb barbells. toughest assholes in the world, without a doubt. that's why, when i feel like working out, but decide to take a dump instead, i always go for the russian toilet paper to be sure to terminate all fecal remains! wanna see me flex? ;D

3-if there's one thing i can't stand, it's the list of pathetic bitches taking up precious space in the personal ad's of my sunday paper. you all give me diarrhea, but it's all good, because i wipe it up with the picture of your scrawny face. i always feel better reading the your ad's the following week, knowing that within minutes you'll be covered in shit. myyy shit!

4-when i was out in maine chopping lumber, i was intoduced to something new and original. I never expected it to work but once i started i could not stop. Brawny is the choice of lumber jacks. The texter is perfect for the rugged butt cheeks you develop while working in nature all of the time. I find it superior to the ussual leaves you find some men using. It's moisture locking grids really help after eating that rich food. I still talk to my lumber jack friends from time to time and they are still using brawny religously.

5-despite my rugged manly exterior, i occasionally like to feel pampered. so before i venture on to my masseuse and pedicure appointments, i usually drop the kids off at the pool. & i love the way Angel Soft makes my buns feel warm and fuzzy afterwards :]

6-admit it, we ALL have tough times in the bathroom occasionally. nothing seems to go right, no matter how hard you try. but hey, "when the tough gets going, the going gets tough." remember that the next time your shit seems to be stuck deep within your anus. instead of giving up in times like these, i grab a fresh picked cucumber from my garden, wash it off and sanitize it, and carefully use it to obscure all excrement. that's why cucumbers are number 6 on my list. they do the job like KFC does chicken. RIGHT.

7-whenever i hear the spice girls these days, i think "wow, they sound painfully constipated." almost immediately, i feel a poop attack come on and rush to the bathroom. i sit there for minutes-sometimes hours, just trying to get it out, becoming infuriated with stupid british teen sensations. finally, the race has been won. 3 plops in a row. by this time, i'm so happy at the end that i start to sing a little song. poop, all that i want from you, is a promise you will be there. [yeaaah! i want you!] i'm always sure to cleanse myself with my choice of an outdated spice girls compact disc.

8-Once in awhile I want to feel sexy in the bathroom so I grab a feather. It has a pseudo-erotic feelimg. After that I like to grab my women and tackle her to the ground for a sweet session of love making. Tickling my ass hole with a feather really gets me going and cleans my butt at the same time. It doesn't have quite the same clean as other things....but it mixes pleasure and the bathroom and that is always a good thing...right guys?

9-9- Oh Charmin, my Charmin...where to begin? Charmin is such a good brand if you like the security of a clean bum hole. It really takes care of everything with little tearing (from your eyes, the paper and your bum hole). My grandmother introduced me to charmin back in '91. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I was sitting in her house doing the perfect poop when i looked to my left side and noticed no T.P. I yelled murderously for help when suddenly the bathroom door flew open, GRANDMA TO THE RESCUE! I love her so mych she saved my life that day and introduced me to one of the best things I have ever used to wipe my anus.

10-i have no shame. if you haven't figured it out by now, i am disgustingly obese. sometimes i feel it coming on, and i can't quite make it to the bathroom in time, and on the off chance that i do, i'm so out of breath that i pass out and let my bowel movements have a mind of their own. i wake up to a huge puddle of soupy, green feces. my first instinct is to blame it on the dog, but then i remember, i ate my dog. i have no dog. instead, i gain composure, slowly lift myself up off the floor, and bust out the swiffer wet-jet. without a doubt, the swiffer wet-jet gets those hard-to-reach places, thoroughly cleaning each and every nook and cranny. for unexpected explosions, be sure to have one on hand.

thank you for your time.

innocent bystander's picture

this place is too funny ... but it made me feel good ... it's nice to know other people out there buy baby wipes to wipe their butts *smile* ........ niiiiiiice !!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Great Scott!!!!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

CharynK's picture

here are a few links. hopefully still active when you click on them. search for "charmin" if the story is too long.

For a more scathing report:

CharynK's picture

Charmin clogs.

I bought a large pack of Charmin from Walmart and when I brough it home, my roommate told me that it was bad for the sewer and that it would clog. I asked him what was his basis for that and he said it was on a news report on TV. One of those "on-your-side" investigations. I told him, that's just silly and I used it for a day. Yes, one day, because the next day, everything was clogged. Toilet, tub, sink, sewer. I had to spend $125.00 to get a plumber to break up our line and clean it out. Charmin has lost a customer for life, and I'm telling everyone I know how faulty their product is. I didn't believe it, and thought it was an urban legend, but my experience has borne out the truth. Do some research on Charmin clogging the lines and you'll see it's a common problem. I had no issues with Charmin before, but now, they're banned from my house forever.

InvisaPoo's picture

Any sopt TP is good with me but other kinds....

Anonymous's picture

I just had loads of fun reading the comments. I am doing a little research on toilet papers and came across this website. This website is cool!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, pretty soon we'll all be using the three shells, anyway.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Biff McGuire's picture


wiping with TP is a primitive and unsanitary method of cleaning, which will soon go the way of the horse drawn carriage. Those who study the history of wiping will become the "Revolutionary War Buffs" of the poop community.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Brawny blows ass as a paper towel! Every time I try to use one it just pushes the mess in front of it. If I want to demonstrate a storm surge for a science show I'm doing, great! Otherwise they blow chow!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Brawny, I have used paper towels in unuasual situations, there are problems.
1. The texture irritates the anus.
2. Using more than one can plug any non-pressurized shitter. Yes, even the ones that use much more than 1.6 gallons.

reckless rectal's picture

I have to say I searched the web today looking for a better brand of toilet paper. I'm frustrated with Charmin, Toooooooooo much lint, and I knew there were more of you out there, like me, with an opinion on the matter. May I say I feel truely enlightened. FYI I believe I will be trying cottenelle and Scott's, and maybe a box of flushable-pre-moistened for those not so fresh moments. Thank-you All

RectalRanger's picture

No we're not retarded you freakin jackass.I think Huggies is the best.It cleans off every bit of crap,your anus won't itch anymore.

Someone's picture

Are you people retarded? Talking about freakin toilet paper and poop

dookie dog's picture

I go for the cheapo Scott generic put out by Rite Aide it's about 7.00 for 12 rolls, I'm on a budget, it's comfortable. Sometimes I get a homeless person pounding on my door and I just can't turn em down. People are people we all gotta shit.

brawny's picture

Use paper towels. They won't shred up in your hairy ass.

Chuck's picture

I was having an awful day at work: grumpy clients, drivers screwing up most orders, traffic was horrendous. My day took a 180 degree turn for the better upon visiting the grocery store. Cottonelle Aloe & E was on sale: 99 cents a four pack. I grabbed two armfuls. Destiny turns on a dime. My day turned for the better on six dollars.

Gordy's picture

Butt Holes...
Everyone has one and they all stink!

Ricky O'Turd's picture

Cottonelle is the best that I have found, it sure as hell beats the corregated cardboard type shit at schools.

Meagan's picture

I like Cottonelle, especially when I am pooping on my period and blood comes out.

Thepaperhog's picture

Good point about spicy food - there aren't many jalapeno-type things in Russia that can rip you a new asshole the way Taco Bell can. I have to ask everyone - with all the debate about paper, surely to God most of you take a shower if you're shitting at home? If I have a 'second-wave poopie' I'll take a second quick shower...My wife keeps an empty bottle by the shitter to give her ass a little waterfall after she craps. If I have a Taco Bell shit during the day, I'll stuff a wad of TP up my ass to avoid getting stains...

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

If the last thing you ate was too spicey, you need aloe.
I suppose there isn't much spicey stuff in Russia.

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