Eternal Debates: Penis Touching The Porcelain

// // 205 Comments
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THE ISSUE:

How do you feel about your penis touching the toilet when you sit? How do you avoid it?

205 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Penis Touching The Porcelain"

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I can't imagine that any guy lets this happen if he can help it at all. That porcelain is cold and no doubt has germs on it. But the solution is really simple, and it's been discussed in the Forum archives before.

You simply 'take a tuck,' meaning that you hold your penis down from the moment you sit so that contact is not made. This, along with peeing standing, is one of the main differences in male and female bathroom habits.

I continue to 'tuck' the equipment until I am ready to wipe--through any piss that comes before or after turds--and up until the moment I stand and wipe. (Which is another reason I am not a sitting wiper.)

There are some toilets that are actually open at the front (regarding the seat), whose construction makes porcelain contact less likely, in which case I might not 'tuck.' But in many cases, I am holding down my dick when I am on the pot.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I tie it in a knot..........sorry. It depends on the bowl and seat size and configuration. Sometimes it takes no effort at all. Other times, I feel compelled to rein in the stallion with a gentle tug at the base of the shaft or a downward press at the same spot. I suppose the mood of my spam javelin is also a factor. An extremely cold toilet seat can make the whole process rather easy. I have yet to experience coitus interuptus caused by a spastic colon. That would present some new problems, not the least of which, would be how not to become a human fountain.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Butt Possum's picture
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No WAY would I let my dick hit the rim. I'm with TBW. I hold the one eyed spitting trouser anaconda while I'm dumping to avoid any contact with the bowl. Though I'm a sit down wiper.

The Man with the Golden Buns's picture
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I just toss it over my shoulder.

PooperTrooper's picture
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Definitely aim the pink torpedo down. Do not touch the rim! Words to live by: If you would not touch it or put your lips on it, DO NOT let the trouser trout near it!

ThreePly's picture
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This is a common problem for me since my manhood is bigger than the average 9-incher. Usually, I try to hover over the toilet about a foot and aim the purple-headed-yogurt-slinger southward to relieve the pressure. Then I'll sit down to purge the ass meat while the manhood hangs over the edge of the bowl until I feel that bladder pressure returns. Then I'm hovering all over again.

Its tough being a man some days.

poop-o-matic's picture
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I just take one of those big Post-Its that I snuck into the water closet to use on the autoflush and insteatd use it to afix my member to my belly area. This has the added benefit of creating a writing surface for the postie so I can pen some verse about my experience!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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You guys all kill me! Still laughing my ass off--especially ThreePly. You oughtta be in show biz, dude!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

ThreePly's picture
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Thanks TBW. I work for PBS and an independent wrestling federation. That's showbiz, right?

brownEyeball's picture
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i'm with all of you as well, I never let me tubular fun pipe touch the rim. Icky!
I jam it down the front of my ballsak if possible, or I will use the hover method as described by 3ply. I will suffer this as opposed to PMS though. Ciao all

PoopTurd's picture
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when i take a crap, i must aim my soldier downward if i gotta' piss, so it wont squirt into my pants, (bellow my knees, mind you) otherwise, it is'nt a problem.

Di Rhea's picture
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I put toilet paper on the seat so that my penis sits on the paper not the seat. I usually take a newspaper with me because I like to have a long relaxing dump and read the paper at the same time. I am usually on the toilet for at leat 30 minutes. If I have had a Thai curry the night before I can be on the toilet for anything upto 1 hour

truth teller's picture
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i let it touch. who cares? no one's touching my dick until a take a shower. I just took a shit after all. plus there's nothing you can catch off a toilet seat except maybe a cold, or the flu, and i wash my hands. (BTW my shit is always shaped like an electric eel.)

Anthony's picture
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Guys,
This doesn't ever happen to me. My wang is a solid 4.1 inches (hard) in length, yet I still have never had this problem. My recommendation to you guys would be to just relax, let it hang normally, and nothing should come of it. Again, 4.1 inches hard(WAY bigger than most) and STILL not experiencing this problem.

Anthony

Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points
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Well, maybe it's 'cause I'm a young'un, and my tzatziki-shooter is still hard enough to cut diamonds in the morning, so in that condition, the 'press-down' technique is like forcing a cat into a bath--difficult and painful. This is exacerbated by having an urgent piss on board.

Without the urinergency (haha!), however, I don't mind letting Robocock slap up against my own toilet seat (public restrooms are different). The only downside to this (apart from the cold feeling) is that no matter what, once I fire up the ol' crap-cranker, the eye of my jizz-scope is lined up for a straight shot through the crevice between the seat and bowl. I think my mini-man likes to mock me sometimes, perhaps due to all the abuse he's received over the years, and he will invariably squirt whatever's left in his reservoir right onto my calves.

Hmm. At least seven lame puns in this post. Anybody care to top that?

Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points
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Anthony: 4.1 inches??? Hope the tape measure wasn't too cold...

John Wayne aka the dook's picture
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i have to hold my wang even at home cause otherwise it touches the water (YUK!) no lie either

 Shawn St James's picture
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I have a technique that almost never fails.

1. NEVER NEVER sit on a toilet seat. Sit on the Bowl!!! Gives you plenty of room, and no seat front to deal with.

2. Put paper down before you sit. Therefore, no splashing.

3. When youre done, GET UP, and THEN flush. No splashing that way.

easy.

The Big Wiper's picture
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Agree, Shawn. Standing wiping rules!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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Even though I don't have anything to contribute to this discussion, I'm diggin' all the different names you guys have for your penises. Too funny.

And an FYI for you, Anthony Massey: 4.1 inches hard is totally lame, dude, unless you're, like, 10. Get a penis pump or you'll never score.

Anthony Massey's picture
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Dude, 4.1 inches is HUGE. I don't know what you fuckers are talking about, I score. I scored with your mom last night AssBlaster. And let me tell you, the name ass blaster runs in the family. Except it was your mom who took the ass blasting...BONG! I pumped all 4.1 inches of my rod through her tight ass-hole all night. It was so HUGE for her to take, she shat out a mean steamer all over the bed. Don't let my anglo-saxon name fool you. Where I come from, Japan, I have the biggest hog in the land. They call me super happy fun wang. And all the chicks love me.

-Anthony (super happy fun wang)

Bonzai Boner's picture
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Anthony,
Still man, 4.1 inches small. I of asian persuasion too and hog is 4.5 inches. I enjoy anal. Me no logjamm except tight virgin so I only go anal with no lube. AssBlaster, sucks your mom whore. You have telephone number? 4.1 too small, I can pump 4.5 in her. Hopefully, no poop come out. But doubtful. Obi-Dung Kenobi, you out of element. Too many pun - no point. Yoda say, "May Force be with you." I say, "force with ME."
BONZAI!!!

Bonzai Boner's picture
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^ _______________
/ \ | |
- - | -- |
O | ' ' |
/ \ | -- |
| | _______________
4.5
||
U
ASS

Monet's picture
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Yous guys are wierd. Maybe me donger is just bigger than the average, but I point it down and stuff some T.P. between it and the seat to hold it back. Works well, protects from cold and germs. Wastes a few squares, but it's worth it, it also allows you to wipe while sitting and not risk penile contamination. Good luck with the poops!!

PoopyButt's picture
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Are you serious? 4.1? Let me be honest. I am a 5'7", 22 yr old, caucasian male. My true erect penile length is 5.9" which is probably average? Therefore, your height should be directly proportional to your member's length. The proportionality constant is about 12 based on my measurements. (height in inches vs. length in inches). If my calculations are correct, 4.1

Bonzai Boner's picture
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I agree PoopyButt, 4.1 inches really small. I no honor man of such small stature. I slap Massey in face with hog. "Force with ME."
BONZAI!!!

Bonzai Boner's picture
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All,
Apologize for bad picture. Suppose to be me ramming 4.5 into mother of AssBlaster honoring flag of motherland. Please forgive me. "Force with ME."
BONZAI!!!

Lincoln Log's picture
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For me, like SamDamnit! has said, it depends on the size and configuration of the toilet and seat. That is why as a man I prefer the elongated toilets over the small round ones. The elongated bowls give 2" inches of extra space so you don't feel like you're smashing the jewels while dropping a load. I replaced both standard toilets in my house with elongated ones for this very reason.

Bonzai Boner's picture
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Lincoln Log, you lame. No one care about massive hog. Discussion on 4.1 inch hog. Need to reply appropriately. "Force with ME!!!"
BONZAI!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Oh, come on! Four inches?!? My middle finger is longer than that!!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopedem's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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This cracked me the crap up.

fartpipe's picture
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the best way to do it is to get a colostomy bag fitted, therefore no more sitting down and letting your love trunchen touch the ceramic + its easily dissposed of and no wiping, you could have fun and throw it at cars and things, i know its childish but it would be fun.

Chuck's picture
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Okay, this is beginning to sound like a frat house. After debates on penis lengths, perhaps we can ignite our flatulence next. What shall we call ourselves? Oughta Taka Crappa comes to mind.

The Dahli Lama's picture
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Bonzai Boner'z wisdom is intriguing yet discerning. I don't think he seems to realize that his 4.5 inch hog is only .4 inches bigger than Anthony Massey's. The fact of the matter is that, while Anthony Massey does have a very small wang (albeit super, happy and fun), Bonzai Boner comes up a little short as well. I just can't fathom how any of these clowns could ram their hog's up AssBlaster's mom's ass so far that she would unload a mean steamer as a result. Massey and Boner, I appreciate your honesty and empathize with your situations. May the force truly be with you BOTH. BONZAI!!!!

punkoffgirl's picture
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May I just say that, yet once again, I am glad I do not have a penis. Thank you. Please continue, as I find this extremely educating.

suesue's picture
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I am with you punkoffgirl................never been so damn educated in a long time, so glad to have arrived at this site

Trouser Chili's picture
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I usually tuck my stick up into my shirt, but it inevitably falls out of it's perch unless I'm rubbing it and working up a good sard while dropping ass logs. After my meat whistle falls and slaps up against the cold porcelain a few times, I inevitably tuck it down between my satchel bag and my inner thigh so it stays nice and tight. Once again, if I'm having some good thoughts and touching it in just the right way during my ass explosion, my shaft and helmet may grow up and start banging into the porcelain from the other direction.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I am not a guy, so I have no advice for methods on keeping your dong out of the toilet. However, I did know this one guy who tucked his willy into his shirt to poop. Unfortunately, he had one of those episodes where you both poo and pee, so he ended up with a piss-covered shirt.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points
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Four inches? Really? Mine is only one and a half.

TmoffT's picture
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When I am shitting, I am in no way arroused. Therefore I get major shrinkage, and my penis looks like a turtle head. Therefore it can't touch the porcelain.

Smiley Joe's picture
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Mine is only 4.1 inches, too. However, some girls don't like 'em that thick. I've found that the best solution is to hold the head of it in my mouth while I'm sitting. (ha, beat that one!)
Seriously, a bigger problem to me is waking up with morning wood and having to take a piss. I used to try to bend over and aim Little Elvis at the bowl but I usually ended up pissing all over the damn wall and the magazine rack. Now I just piss in the shower (bigger target) and rinse it away. My girlfriend hates it but at least I'm not pissing on her precious People magazines.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Any of you guys have trouble getting dick prints on the toilet seat. My dad seems to do this and I think it's disgusting. If you do, what's your solution so I can tell the fucker.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

shy boy's picture
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put toilet paper in front of the toilet and hold the damn thing down between your legs. if you are big down there like I am then this will work.

anon's picture
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Smiley Joe, just piss into a hand, then wash the hand, instead.

Mount St. Ass's picture
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I hate letting my wang touch the seat. And I also hate getting splashed---especially on my dick---when I flush, so I always stand up to flush. I don't want shit-water on my crank.

Hans Arz's picture
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Quote:
I have a technique that almost never fails.

1. NEVER NEVER sit on a toilet seat. Sit on the Bowl!!! Gives you plenty of room, and no seat front to deal with.

2. Put paper down before you sit. Therefore, no splashing.

3. When youre done, GET UP, and THEN flush. No splashing that way.

easy.
---------------------
Shawn St James, thank you for the great tips! First I laughed my ass off just thinking about this, and all the other posts in this thread, I mean everything was just so ridiculous and funny... but THEN I got out my Clorox Disinfecting wipes, put the seat up on my elongated toilet (that I do not share with anybody), and wiped away the diarrhea stains, hair, and pee that was caked up on the poor unfortunate surface of the bowl where I will now and forevermore sit my upper thighs and hiney cheeks! I did a thorough job of cleaning to ensure that I would not make contact with months-old poo stains from past bouts of diarrhea while shamefully sitting on the toilet seat (the OLD way); and not long after cleaning it thoroughly, I noticed that I had to poop! So I sat down and tried it... MAN!!!! It works great! My schlong is only average in size, but I was so hard from thinking about this thread, and when I sat down it STILL didn't touch the porcelain! Since it is only my toilet and now it is sparkling clean my only complaint about it touching the porcelain was it getting cold on the tip, and before when it was dirty I was always afraid that it would touch old poop and pee.. so now I just sit on the bowl and it will never get dirty again!! Right?

Of course there might be a problem if I decide to poop for a long time or get a turtle stuck up there, because the sharp edges of the bowl cause more force to be exerted over a small area of my legs, and I found it sufficient to cut off the circulation of blood for a few important leg arteries or veins... so part of my calves start falling asleep if I sit too long! I guess the solution is just to sit on the bowl all the time and poop frequently. Still, I will be very cautious about this technique in a public restroom, if it looks like it's cleaned very well by the janitor all the time I MIGHT do it to avoid touching the porcelain with my 'nanner, but if it even hints at being septic I'd rather take my shit sitting down ((on the seat)) and suffer through the manhood-maneuvering job to avoid contracting AIDS or something.

Best Regards,
Hans Arz

dg123's picture
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big penis, what about big real big ballsaks?

Oinkness's picture
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I usually just tuck my atom smasher into the hole between me and the seat, and have the seat hold it down in the terlet. Sometimes it stays on it's own, and I can poo and pee with no problems, but sometimes I have to hold it down. I leave it in the terlet until I wipe, then I get up and hit my kids.

Monster Cock's picture
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Alright here is the deal, with a dick over 12 inches, I have to hang it over my thigh. And there is no way I can shit and take a piss at the same time. Its a crying shame.

Riderman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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well two solutions:
1) old it down with left-hand while right-hand hides your nose
2) masterbate while pooping ( lol sick..)

Hoss's picture
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I usually use the tuck method to avoid contaminating my member, but I have run into the problem of actually touching the water with my schlong which, needless to say, is much worse. I'm of average size, but some bowls just have a higher water level than others. I'm not ready to give up on the seat and sit directly on the bowl, although that is an intriguing strategy. Is there any solution to this dilemma?

SourTower's picture
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If I could double-task and choke the one eyed trouser trout while pooping, as Riderman suggests, this discussion would more likley be revolving around how to keep the custard in the toilet bowl.
The one technique that works for me is peeing (standing up) before unleashing the chocolate anaconda. Once I have taken care of number one I can put my talliwacker anywhere I choose.

S Hall's picture
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interesting thread... i used to have this problem. to correct it, i first piss standing up, emptying my bladder, then squat leaving my penis out over the bowl.

Serge's picture
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The technique I use when taking a dump.... I always hold my dong fixed on the asshole (mine) with the right hand. When putting pressure I not only give birth, but also do pipi, which I use to moisten the pad of the brown beast and finally cleaning the ass effectively. This will also lead to not ever breaking off halfway making you eligble for the longest turd. Furthermore, don't ever think of putting your penis in your own ass (people who can actually do it know what I mean), because you truly don't want to be an ass-tronout

Isabel's picture
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Anthony, your not 4.1. Being your ex and reading this is quite amussing though!

Isabel's picture
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I'm wasted. Forgive me for my bad spelling.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I'm not a man, but morbid curiosity made me read this. I know my husband "tucks" it, like some of you mentioned, but I wasn't sure that was something a lot of men did.
Now I know better.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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P.S. 4.1 inches?!
That's way below average. The average length of a penis is 6 inches. At least that's what cosmo says.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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Recently I moved from a home with the more common "Round Front" toilet bowls to a house with the less common "Elongated" type. The difference is night and day.

I don't need to make any special accomodation to keep my wang from touching the seat.

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points
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This is the funniest thread on the whole @#$% site. Yeesh, you guys are weird. As the English say, "Keep your pecker up." I think they're referring to the chin/mouth though.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Any of you guys ever attached a target to the wall in front of you? It might be hilarious! All you have to do is aim your tool and try to hit the bullseye while you are shitting out the other end. They should do this in bathroom stalls at bars where people get absolutely drunk out of their minds.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Ally McCaca's picture
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this is great advice, this site is awesome!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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I piss before I shit so i can read somthign and not have to worry bout holding my pecker down.BTW, as people here tell me, I'm very unsexy and I have a hard lenghth of about 6 inches.

AB2K, penis pumps are dangerous. THey can actually make your tool shrink, as from Jackkinhow.com

(DOn't worry I never uses that site)

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Poo Zombie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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What a horrifying new concept to ponder. Though I have been fascinated for years by penises and their various activities (like a whole secret world out there!) I never thought of this dilemma. I was aware that pissing with a boner looks and sounds funny, having asked Gomez to demonstrate the required position, but I laughed so hard and rolled about on the floor and flailed and gasped for breath that he has never demonstrated since, despite repeated requests. He is now confused and rather reticent about my sudden persistence to know what he does with it when he shits. Under intensive questioning he has agreed to demonstrate- probably just so I'll stop asking him weird questions- although not while he's taking an actual shit.

AssBlaster2000's Mother's picture
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Anthony Massey and Bonzai Boner, you will both be hearing from my lawyers soon. We will prove the baseless and slanderous nature of your allegations above about having any form of sex with me. Obviously, given the miniscule nature of your respective genitalia, the nearest you have ever been to any woman's bottom was the day you were born. You guys really do give new meaning to the term "prick."

See you in court, little men!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Go get em AB2k's Mom!

Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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PR's goin' downhill fast when we get a bunch of shit talkin' assholes posting all the time.....Ahhh, the good old days....

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Shit talkin' assholes? It's Poop Report, for God's sake. Don't we come here to talk about shit? :-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I pwn so many n00bs's picture
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"Alright here is the deal, with a dick over 12 inches, I have to hang it over my thigh. And there is no way I can shit and take a piss at the same time. Its a crying shame."

Hahahaha. Isn't the record about 13 inches? Jesus dude. You could fold your dick in half and be about the same size as I am.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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If the problem is bad enough, the elongated toilet that is designed for handicped folks. This toilet has additional depth. My brother installed one about a year ago. It beats my standard elongated models.

Under the right circumstances, I can't explain, my penis or scrotum can hit the water of the conventional elongated toilet. Not the one mentioned above.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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ATTENTION MODERATORS-

We need to get in here and moderate some of these comments. There are some real great gems and they deserve a +1.

I have never heard so many hilarious terms for "wang" in my life! My favorite was "the purple-heard yogurt slinger".

And I seriously doubt the above Holy Shitter post was actually from The Holy Shitter. I think it's great that the computer recognized it, though.

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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TSV, you are right--I've been here before, but I failed to realize that this thread is, if not a "gold mine," at least a "jewel mine" of metaphors for the man meat. If I had time, I would get up a glossary based on this thread.

However, two things bug me: First, the idiot who claims his 4.1 inches is "large." I didn't know we had any Munchkins on this site. Besides, bragging on how much dick you have is in just as poor taste as boasting about how much money you have. Usually those who do so are a whole lot more brag than fact.

Second, I am OUTRAGED at the insults to the beloved AB2K! I think these are by the same shrinky-winky Unregistered User who made a fool out of himself by revealing the length of his miniscule member. A little, little man in every way.

But, to loosely paraphrase G. K. Chesterton, the quality of AB2K may be judged in some measure by the character of those who oppose her.

Thanks for resurrecting this thread, TSV. GOD, am I glad you're back! This site just isn't the same without you!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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Once again, I will say it's great having TSV back! I also think we need some +1's here. Shoot, let's see just how many terms for a penis we have here.

BTW, mine is "normal" and it's bigger than 4 inches. I think someone here has been lied to about what's big. I don't think it's his fault.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

sharty mcfly's picture
l 100+ points
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dude, i think he was kidding by how many times he emphasized that he thought it was huge. as far as my "ham truncheon" or "pork sword" touching the rim, that's a definite no go. and if you want to get into names for the revered phallus, i can probably give you at least 100, maybe 20 or 30 you haven't heard. my personal favorite being "captain dick and his two nutty friends" that for the whole package, in any case, that part of the bosy shouldn't touch the bowl, and i hate the splashback, but it happens from time to time.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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I have a friend in nursing school. She took anatomy, recently. They talked about penises (peni, plural???). I almost fell off the chair when she told me the size range. It would seem "normal" encompasses measurements all the way down to the 2-inch mark.

2. That's 2. Two. Inches. I had no idea.

One inch--NOT normal. TWO inches--Okay, call it normal. I can't stop laughing.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Normal for who? A chihuahua?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Yeah. Anthony? If you're still around here, uhh... I have a ruler on my desk, and I'm still laughing. And what's with the .1 part?

Furthermore, my toddler son, while I would never be so crass as to actually MEASURE him, looks to be about 2 1/2 inches already.

He'll surpass your 4.1 inches before he's out of kindergarten, Mr. Super Happy.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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I just gotta comment on this one! Forgive me, I'm soooo weak....

When your ass sits on the pot,
Your weinie must touch the porcelain NOT!
Be ye thoughtful and kind to him,
Knock not his head against the rim.
See he gets not a faceful of goop,
When he's dangling o'er the soup.
You must not abuse your little man
When you're seated on the can
Else when you should be reading Psalms
You'll grow hair upon your palms.
Little Willie may swim out to sea,
But not if you drown him in the pee.
So if you hold not your dick aloft,
When you need him he may go soft.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Anomolous, I am really starting to like your shitty ditties.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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Thankyou Sir Sam. The Potentate of Shitty Ditties does have a nice ring to it....

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points
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You know, if you'd all just slam your dicks in the toilet seat before you began the process, you wouldn't have to worry about them getting in the way.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

Lousy, that would be "POOtentate".

Turdy, uh... what?

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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0

GGG - I'm sitting here at work trying to figure out the "Lousy" thing when it hit me - nickname for Anomalous I was drinking a cup of coffee, and I snorted and dang near choked to death on my drink. My sick mind then considered the death certificate should that happen. Cause of death - "cerebral shit ingestion via website". Its probably not all that funny to someone who's not sleep deprived, but it hit me as hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

My pleasure.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I ain't letting my blood engorged mayonnaise cannon hit the porcelain. I just sling him over my shoulder.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I guess it doesn't matter any more after all the above wisdom, but...

If its a roomy toilet seat, my little buddy just sits there looking around, maybe reading the newspaper with me. If its a small seat, I will tuck the little-lizzard-of-love down and my chubby thighs hold it in place, there's no danger of it coming in contact with the water - believe me.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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0

I usually don't have much of a problem with my wanker touching the seat.

I am very thin and have an elongated toilet, so everything kinda just falls where it should when sit down. As for pecker tracks on the toilet seat, I always wipe up after myself. I have seen many other instances where men don't wipe their pecker tracks up, and that drives me cuko.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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0

Fellas, make sure you clear the frontal part of any pubic hair otherwise it will make your urine squirt two ways sometimes THREE ways.

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Crunchy Frog's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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0

This is a bit of a sore subject for me. As a teenager I used to wank a LOT and on one occasion Mum said "what are you doing in there? I'm coming in" so what could I do? I had to lift the seat and pretend I was taking a dump, so my throbber was under the rim of the seat and right up against the porcelain. She burst in and it was as if I was just having a pleasant innocent crap though without the heady aroma. Thing was I forgot about it once she was satisfied I wasn't knocking one out and went to get up, only I caught the chap on the seat on getting up. That was an OUCH moment!

Weirdo101's picture
0
0

I made a huge mistake tucking my johnson under the toilet seat and letting it touch. Now there is a dark rim just below the head of my dick on the shaft. Any suggestions on how to get rid of this?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Weirdo101 - wirewheel on a grinder should do it.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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0

Have any of you slipped and had your penis touch the bowl? Any worries?

Just kill me now's picture
0
0

I'm about 8" and I usually sit on my hands to give me that extra inch to keep it outa the water. n E ways I wasy pinchin a loaf after fuckin (er...myself) and I tried folding it, about this > angle and right after I dropped the cosby kids off at the pool I had a sharp pain mid shaft and about a tablespoon of blood shot outa my beloved cock. Naturally I then screamed like a little girl----with a bloody penis, yeah, that kinda scream. Funny how life sometimes leaves you scouring then net for male shit stories, sucks. I ruled out std, havent had sex for like 8 months, wow my life blows.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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0

I only wish mine was long enough to touch the seat.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Giving this one a bump so that a few more sniffers can come through here... Some funny, funny stuff on this thread!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Hadn't been to this thread in a year...still wiping tears....

to address not the original issue, but one discussed about half way through the comments...the morning piss hard-on...one of life's dilemmas. For me, I need to stand about 4 feet away from the bowl...and fall forward, catching myself on the wall. I have found it quite impossible to piss trying to bend my dick to the bowl with a boner...although the pain is rather exquisite.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Oh, please. There's no human being on earth that has a four-foot dick.

_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

That's right; Bilge is super-human.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Turd Turdgutson writes: There's no human being on earth that has a four-foot dick.

As opposed to human beings on Jupiter, maybe?

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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0

Bilge: the morning wood piss is a tough one. The "stand far back and try to aim" technique is REALLY messy, especially as the force of the stream starts to drop. I've settled on sitting, with my ass as far back on the seat as it'll go, leaning forward and doing the "bend". The trick is sitting WAY back on the seat and leaning over till my shoulders are nearly touching my legs (minimizes bending).
TT: there truly ARE some circus-style freaks of nature out there. I'm not sure about 4' long but they're out there, man. I think I encountered some photos a few years ago by doing a word search on "freaks". Photoshop? Maybe...but DAMN!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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my unit isn't 4' long...just shy of that...but one has to stand that far back, falling toward the wall, thus bringing said unit within firing range....sorry you failed geometry and trigonometry, Turd.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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0

I`ve always found that the best way of pissing with morning wood is to enter the bathroom, do a handstand and reverse position in front of the pan.

My length of Scot`s Pine is then at the perfect angle to score a direct hit.

The voice of sanity

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

My dick's so small I call him Little Richard.

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points
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0

As posted by Bilgepump: "my unit isn't 4' long...just shy of that...but one has to stand that far back, falling toward the wall, thus bringing said unit within firing range....sorry you failed geometry and trigonometry, Turd."

Wow, sorry about your teenie weenie, Bilge - it's okay, though: I guess you could always fall back on the old adage that it's not the length of the log but the motion of the ocean that counts, right? But seriously, though: what's all this rot about 'falling against the wall' and all that? With a four-inch wanker I would think it would be more than sufficient just to push the joker downward and pee directly into the bowl. Why are the acrobatics also necessary?


_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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0

"Any of you guys have trouble getting dick prints on the toilet seat. My dad seems to do this and I think it's disgusting. If you do, what's your solution so I can tell the fucker."

Wait until Thanksgiving dinner when the entire family is gathered round the table. When there's that awkward pause in the conversation point to the mashed potatoes and gravy on your plate and innocently blurt out, "Wow, this looks like the dick print that Daddy leaves on the toilet."

As for the original question, penis-on-porcelain is part of the male condition. If you can't stand the feeling, get a diaper.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

bigpapa's picture
0
0

people before you sit place toilet paper all over the sitting area and double in the front, make sure your coxs' tip is dry if not it'll get stuck to the toilet paper. And we all know its a bitch to get off. Then you grab it and tuck it to the side,.. if I tuck it down it'll drown in toilet water, if i hold it up it'll shoot me in the face, so you hold it to the side! thats my advice

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Turd.....nah....nevermind....unarmed, must have mercy.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

Well, this thread just goes to show that every man handles his love muscle differently.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I handle mine as often as possible....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Simple solution for me.
Sit, pee, wipe the tip. Hang paper gasket between 'Mr. Happy' and the seat front.
Take the Browns to the Super Bowl and wipe.
Drop the gakset into the bowl and flush.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

Bilgepump (567) -- 09.14.2007 wrote:

I handle mine as often as possible....

And yet, no typos.

Impressive.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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0

GGG wrote:

GottaGoGirl (2578) -- 09.14.2007

Bilgepump (567) -- 09.14.2007 wrote:

I handle mine as often as possible....

And yet, no typos.

Impressive.
________________________________
Yeah, I'm good like that.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Mandy's picture
0
0

My boyfriend and I study together three or four nights a week since we have several AP classes together. We take a break for 10 minutes or so each hour to read one of the threads and we find some of the topics to be hilarious. Often we get into some pretty intense discussions.

For example, in reading this thread my boyfriend admits he hasn't always been "gifted" (he got a 34 on his ACT his first time taking it!) During his first month as a freshman he learned his lesson about letting his penis touch the porcelain the hard way. He needed to crap bad, hated/still does, matter of fact, the open stalls. The only stall not in use had some smoke in it and he wiped a few ashes off the seat before sitting down. Within seconds, he felt a sharp jolt to his penis because it was resting on the front of the bowl and in some hot ashes. He immediately picked it up, and with toilet paper swept off the ashes but no before getting a burn. He said the burn, the size of a fingernail, hurt for a couple of weeks and was sore everytime he bathed for a while. He didn't want to tell his parents, and anyway, it was too embarrassing for him to see a doctor about.

I've given him **** a couple of times and I'm going to be curious when I do it next time.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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0


Sweetie, that's a pretty convincing story, but...

...I'm afraid that's NOT a burn mark.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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I'm with GGG, Mandy. You obviously ain't takin' AP biology.

Michael Palaikis's picture
0
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I guess I'm the lucky one. I can sit at the front of the toilet and my little dick never comes close.

dookie monster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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mine is not the issue of kissing the vitreous with my viagra-hog...it is, more, keeping my old man scrotum out of the water, otherwise known as 'keeping the lifeguard out of the poo(l)'.


_______
purveyor of the brown note...

purveyor of the brown note...

Been Burned Too's picture
0
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I don't think what Mandy's saying about her boyfriend's predicament is being taken seriously. A similar thing happened to me about 15 years ago when I was in middle school. I would take a square of toilet paper, wipe urine off the seat, and sit down--often with only a couple of seconds to spare before my first real blast came out. And yes I forgot to tuck my penis in. Although there were a couple of cigarettes in the bowl, I would never have thought to look at the front of the bowl. Only when I finished my shit and moved toward the front of the seat so that I could better wipe from the back, did my penis scrape over the front of the bowl. The ashes were quite hot and burned my very tip. This is no joking matter. As another victim, I can sympathize with Mandy and her boyfriend. It has, however, made me more cautious and I check out a toilet more carefully when I'm in a public place and smell smoke.

GGG and Dumpster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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"Smokin' (peni) in the boys room,
Smokin' (peni) in the boys room.
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules:
Everybody knows that smokin' (peni) ain't allowed in school!
"

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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0

GGG and Dumpster, This does not sound like a combination of the two who are near and dear to us PR posters. What's up with this new alais?
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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0

...on the other hand, to get this thread back on track, may I observe that I prefer to keep my Wedding Tackle out of the water?

Meg's picture
0
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Urrrgggh! Although I'm not taking AP classes at my high school, the postings by Mandy and Been Burned Too worry me because I give my boyfriend #### on almost a weekly basis. I don't want to piss him off by bringing up the question in conversation or refer him to these postings, but I'm starting to think about his hygiene at school. He usually excuses himself at the bathroom door when we're walking to lst hour and again at lunch. My best friend asks her boyfriend to shower first and she said he's willing to do it. The thought of his penis on a dirty toilet bowl is repulsive to me.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Carry a spray bottle of bleach, Meg...and don't be afraid to use it.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

pyropoo's picture
0
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my cure for morning wood and my slippy snake hittin the seat is just to look at my fucking wife. i swear god hates middle aged women.

Rik Wakefield's picture
0
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Guys,
This doesn't ever happen to me. My wang is a solid 4.1 inches (hard) in length, yet I still have never had this problem. My recommendation to you guys would be to just relax, let it hang normally, and nothing should come of it. Again, 4.1 inches hard(WAY bigger than most) and STILL not experiencing this problem.

Richard

Senior Cheerleader's picture
0
0

Several of us give our boyfriends oral. Some of the posts above are disturbing to me. Just yesterday I had my boyfriend read them while we were in my room studying (we can't read Poop Report at school because it is blocked and labled "bad taste") and he too loves the site. However, he said he doesn't worry about his penis hanging over the front of the toilet bowl and never has, but he says it sometimes can get pretty cold when the bathroom windows are open at school because of all the smokers. He said he knows a guy from our school who has sat on ashes and burned his butt. I agree with some of the other posters, I hope I don't lose my will to give him head.

Senior  Jock's picture
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0

Like some of the others who are posting, my girlfriend and I read PoopReport when we need a break from doing our homework. Also, our school administrators block Poop Report and there's a word that comes up on the computer screen that I've never heard before. It's pretty big and official-sounding, but I can't think of it now. Anyway, my girlfriend who is a sophomore, asked me this question about my penis laying over the porcelin. She thinks my answer is strange because for as long as I can remember in public places and at school, I take three long sheets of toilet paper to put over the seat before I sit down and I place a smaller one over the front of the stool. That way my penis doesn't touch the stool. I found that my girlfriend sits right down on the seat without covering it. She thinks covering the seat is stupid and says that most of her friends do the same thing. She's now teasing me saying that I'm inconsiderate to the others who will be using the toilet after me because eventually they won't have paper to wipe with because I'm wasting it. She says I'm putting myself in a "position of superiority" over the others and that I must think I'm too good or better than them since I don't want to do as they do. It's got me thinking, but I don't exactly know about what. Help me!

Diandra's picture
0
0

The answer for Senior Jack is that you've got to look out for yourself. I was taught by my mother several years ago not to sit directly on a toilet seat away from home. Therefore, I put one sheet of paper on each side of the seat--and just the smallest amount necessary to cover the part I'm going to sit on. For obvious reasons, I'm not worried about the front of the stool. I don't know what the "position of superiority" is, but I do know that I'm not sitting in anyone's urine or tiny piece of shit that the stand-up wipers sometimes leave behind. I'm lucky, I guess, that my office building has the holders with toilet seat protectors. Some of my colleagues don't use them but I do. And they save toilet paper for those who are messier.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I have just recently stapled a swatch of velcro to my baby batter bazooka, and my left knee...keeps things handy, yet conveniently out of the way.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Elongated toilets seem to have higher water levels for some reason. Both balls and shaft are in peril whenever using them.

Standard rounds still pose their own hazards. stay alert, for even if your love porkchop doesn't touch touch the porcelain, you may discover that it's but a hairsbreadth away. Then the pee ricochets EVERYWHERE and poof, you're wiping wang, scrubbing sack and hating life.

ipoopsobig's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I like to put a few folds of toilet paper between my dick and the bowl.

Toilet freak's picture
0
0

See what i like to do is.. Get a Roll of toilet paper (yes the whole thing) and then stick my little friend down the middle of it when im sitting on the toilet. works like a treat ;)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I think I could handle 2 or 3 rolls. Might be a tight fit on the diameter.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I know what ya mean, PD, those industrial size rolls on have a 3 and half inch diameter core....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Ugh, oh, mmm. A little more vaseline and I think I'll be good.

rufio's picture
0
0

whenever my dick touches the inside of the toilet bowl i always put hand sanitizer on it.

Saul's picture
0
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I have this problem as well. I basically pull up from the middle area of my penis and use my index finger from that hand to push my head down, then I 'hover' to to wipe

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
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Oh yeah, and don't forget to line the seat with TP, I heard someone saying to sit right on the bowl, I wouldn't recommend that unless your over three feet wide on the backside.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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You push your head down? What for? Doesn't it hurt your neck?