Eternal Debates: Penis Touching The Porcelain

// // 205 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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THE ISSUE:

How do you feel about your penis touching the toilet when you sit? How do you avoid it?

205 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Penis Touching The Porcelain"

d--ick's picture

All dudes hold their dick down when they poop. but if the dong is long it is a job. it floats in the water so put tp in front of the potty. push down hold up and let it go....

Slow Hand Sly's picture

My last two girlfriends have asked me about this, too. This site must have great readership. I don't worry about it touching the porcelain at home, but away from home, I use my hand on the side opposite the toilet paper to do nothing but hold my penis down into the bowl. There are times when I get a little aroused and more leverage is needed to hold it down, but I don't want it doing the work of a sponge in sopping off the pee from the previous users on the front of the seat.

turdy shit's picture

I just hold my thing

American Crapper lol's picture

should we all just wear a condom to take a sh** now? I mean seriously... and really I find it hard to believe this guy puts his penis inbetween the seat and the bowl to pinch his member into place while he craps. That would probably fall into a "wierd sexual engagements" catagory

Mother of Twins's picture

Mother of Three: My girls are 4 and I have noticed they do exactly as you said--slide themselves up onto and back farther onto the seat. When we're in places like gas stations that don't have the cut-out on the front of the seat, I'm going to start wiping it off for them.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This shit is comedy gold guys, for the record i use the tucking method.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I brought the dead snake home in a sealed bag for the management to see on Wednesday.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

realripsnorter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Certainly not to play "one upmanship", I have recollection of a similar event when I was a small tyke (normally I have a poor memory, but somehow I remember THIS event!). I was still pretty small (young) and had advanced from the sitting on the pot to pee, and was able to unzip and go like a big boy. On this occasion though, I somehow miscalculated when zipping back up and caught my wee chubby in the zipper, and a good 3 or 4 tines colsed upon it.
Needless to say, there were some interesting sounds emitted as I tried my damn best to get myself out of the situation without calling my Mother. In the end, I could not undo what I had done, and had to resort to embarrasingly calling for my Mommy to get me out of it. She was very calm about it, but I do recall a look on her face of sheer wonder!

_______
It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, well, even then, due to being in a band, my hearing was suspect, and I thought they asked if I wouldn't mind eating the baby....oh well.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bilgepump?! A babysitter?!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

That happened to me as a child when I was visiting a neighbor. The neighbor sued my parents for a new seat to replace the one that cracked on my little schlong.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

That very occurance happened to a tyke in my charge as I was babysitting for a friend of mine. I've never heard such caterwauling.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

You make the toilet seat sound so violent to little woo woos.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Another factor in favor of the U shaped seat is it is safe for little boys. They can drain their little weenies without the fear of the seat crashing down like madame guillotine and smashing their junk like a flattened snake on the highway.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Mother of Three's picture

I have another answer to Annie's question about the frontal seat cuts. They make it more sanitary for little children using the facilities. With daughters 5 and 4 who are not large enough to SIT on a public toilet but who SLIDE themselves onto the seat, I feel better about their pubic area not being directly into contact with the front of the seat. This is especially an issue in day care settings. And even now, my 7-year-old son is probably not discriminating enough in selecting a public stall to crap in. That cut eliminates a couple of my sanitation concerns.

BungTheftAuto's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If I'm at home, I just let it touch and wash my wang when I wash my hands.. I guess you could wrap a little toilet paper around it.

Annie's picture

ChiefThunderbutt: I have seen my boy friend splash pee onto the floor immediately in front of the toilet. It's not a large puddle but it is still significant. He sits with his legs spread wide and his penis hangs over the porcelain on the front of the toilet. When he's constipated or has an extremely large shit, he pushes extra hard, often throwing his body as little to the front as he pushes. This is when some extra pee will trickle out from his penis and squirt to the floor about an inch in front of him.

Both he and I are in drama and other activities. One Sunday afternoon when we were practicing and our scene was next to go on, he got more frustrated because he hadn't shat for 4 days. He pushed extra hard to vacate his shit but he only dropped two balls of crap--and small ones at that. I noticed that not only did he seem to loosen the seat, but he seemed to produce a few more drops that went onto the front of the bowl and, of course, the floor. I teased him that he "leaked" and he said that's been happening as long as he can remember.

Hope this answers your questions.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bilge! I'll have you know my little sister is not some tawdry little trollop. She is a respectable southern lady and is not about to go tandem toilet pooping on a first date. Besides, the W's and Z's are still on the drawing board.

Sis! Git to your room. I will be in soon to have a little...uh...talk with you.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

If i could shit, I could shit for all Poopreporters.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Gotcha. Butt, if you shit for me, it would be formed?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I can only shit for myself, as much as I would like to shit for you....I'm about empty.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

How do we go dutch if we are going on a toiletseat built for two?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Can we go dutch? I'm a little tapped at the moment.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I will be happy to, Pump. Is that a date?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'll share my "Z" seat with ya, SP.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

The Z seat is made for two hineys, like a bicycle built for two.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The "W" and "X" seats suck as well... I'm always getting my unit caught.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Annie, don't listen to my colleague Chief. He tends to make up stories. The fact is, the toilet seat manufacturers have been running through the alphabet with their seats over the years. I've been around long enough to remember when they were Q shaped. Boy they were painful on the ol' junk! The "T's" didn't last long as they were quite messy, and look out for the V shaped ones that should be coming out soon. I think they might tend to pinch the old hiney.

Sincerely, PD

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Well Annie.....You are certainly an interesting sounding girl, I am heartened that you give your BF oral, no strings attached I hope. I am a little confused as to why his membrum virile would splash pee while he is shitting. Please clarify this issue with a follow-up post.

The commercial commode seats available in most bathrooms help a little with sanitation. A man who doesn't raise the seat or a woman who rises before the dripping is over are slightly foiled by the U shaped seat.

I rented a house in Japan, years ago, that had a U shaped seat. I returned home one day to find a pair of my wool socks pulled over both sides to protect my wife's ass from the cold, but since she occasionally gave me oral I had no recourse that would not have been damaging.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Annie's picture

Like some of those who posted earlier on this thread I pretty regularly give my boy friend oral. Yesterday, after reading most of the posting discussions, I asked him about how he handles the porcelain issue. His is larger than most of my other boy friends. He just lets it hang over the rim and, unlike some of the other contributors, he said he doesn't worry about it accidentally splashing a small amount of pee into his underwear or jeans while he sits taking a shit.

He's come into the ladies room a couple of times to keep me company when there's no one else around. He's asked me a question I can't answer and have never thought about. Why are the seats in most ladies rooms just like the mens with the front cut taken out? It would seem more normal to have the full seat in front like we have at our homes.

Sensitive Freshman Guy's picture

This is not just an issue with the guys. I knew this girl in my 8th grade social studies and english class who was bullied so badly that she never used the bathrooms at school during the day. She would wait 10 or 15 minutes after school until no one was around then she would go in to pee or crap. Luckily, she didn't burst, although sometimes I thought she would. Then we would walk home together.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Daryl......What your dad did is called teaching, you are the one that learned.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Still Dry Daryl's picture

Some 55 years ago when I started grade school my mom asked my dad to show me how I could get along better in public toilets. Dad learned me to wipe the front of the bowl rim just after I wiped the seat off before I sat down. I don't think I always followed his advice until I got to junior high. Sometimes, I would have to use even two times over with the toilet paper to get the pee off the seat and the bowl rim. To this day what he learned me makes me sit with more comfort on public stools.

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

A third option is to teach him to be confident and comfortable with himself so that he doesn't care what bullying windbags say.

Sophomore Chick's picture

I know that Trev is right. A lot of guys get picked on at my school and also at places like the mall. They stand out because like Trev said they drop their boxers all the way to the floor and they outright look scared just sitting there putting on an exhibition. My boyfriend is 5'1" and is very under-developed for his age. Two or three times a week last year he held his shit until we got out of school and reached my house. Luckily, I live close to school or otherwise he would have messed in his pants. The bullying and one-upmanship (as my Mom calls it) really suck.

Hassled Trev's picture

I'mAGirl in her posting on 02.28.2009 tells about her husband "holding his junk down under to keep urine from spraying him in the face while he shits at home. Then she asks if it makes a difference if it's public toilet?

The answer in a big way is YES! Since most of the guys' stalls are doorless at school and other large public places, the crapper who's sitting with his underwear on the floor and hand(s) on his dick is wide open for being fucked with. I learned the hard way in 7th grade. I was sitting, shitting and I moved forward on the seat to see how big my production was. In doing so my dick raked over the front of the seat where there was quite a bit of urine left from the previous user. It was January and the porcelain was cold from a couple of open windows. Also, my feet were making footprints on the floor because there was so much pee there too. I had just taken both hands to push it back down off the bowl front when a big, obnoxious 9th grader came in and accused me of wacking off. He told several of his friends and I got a lot of smirks and other comments for the next few weeks. It didn't help that my shit came daily right about homeroom passing period.

Us guys never have had the privacy the girls do. My son's 12 and I've taught him when there's no door to always keep his hands on his knees or thighs. Having his dick touch the porcelain (clean or unclean) is a far better option than him being called a "f#####"!

realripsnorter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


No, he means boath in the toilet and on the floor.

______
It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Is that some kind of ocean going bathtub, Roland?

The voice of sanity

Roland's picture

I pee in the boath

Cristian's picture

If I go to a public toilet, I always am very careful about touching any part of the toilet... You never know what can happen and there are STDs that can be transmited by simple touch. I usually use a lot of toilet paper to create a shield.

realripsnorter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The only difference between pink, and purple is the tension of the grip! - I hate to have my "Johnson" touch the front of the bowl as well, the ancient crapper(but a good one) I have is shaped such to allow my junk to hang comfortably, with out hanging in the water. I hate shitting away from my abode, but I suppose if I was forced to use some strange toilet that wouldn't allow for such comfort, I would probably strap on my trusty hockey cup to "protect" me while I float the boat.

It's O.K., We just have to smell it; He's got to sit in it!

Poops McGoo's picture

I don't see very well and can only tell if my equipment is hanging in the water if the water is icy.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm told that I'm annoying, and I'm a hermaphrodite. So when I need to go I just take everyone's advice. They say, "Fuck you!", so I do. It keeps my nookie nozzle out of the way, and its great fun. Except now I'm pregnant by myself. Shit!

Poopsy McGee's picture
l 100+ points

Who is this Sir Poops McGee fellow up there??!! It's no relation that I know of and certainly not THE Mr. McGee, who would never refer to himself as Sir Poops. He'd use his own name and he can spell.

I'm intrigued...yet somehow I feel violated.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Nothing to say, and saying it twice. Where is Chile? I thought he was stalking you.

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

Don't have anything really to say because I am a female

_______
Russell

Russell the shitting queen

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

Don't have anything really to say because I am a female

_______
Russell

Russell the shitting queen

pooparty's picture

Here's some advice for all y'all s(h)itting on public toilets...position the paper seat cover with the oval hangy-down part in front. Makes a nice protector for the meat puppet. Butt, if you pee whilst pooping, the seat cover can leave bits of paper stuck to His Majesty. Later, if the wife is randy, she may mistake this for TP and accuse you of whacking in the public facilities.

Stu's picture

I've never had this problem because unlike some other guys, my penis pretty much just hangs down into the bowl. I never thought about it until my fraternity brother mentioned how he hates it when he's peeing while taking a crap and he pees on his pants. He has to push it down into the bowl. I guess this penis touching the rim of the toilet happens to those guys who have a penis that points somewhat away from them instead of straight down.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Better than in your ear!!
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

If there's some of that 80's porn in the john, I have to worry more about it resting on my ear.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Careful Scummy, you will make CEP jealous.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

I'm never bothered by touching the porcelain. I just hang it over my shoulder, which also gives me something to rest my head upon if I fall asleep.

ImAGirl's picture

I'm a woman-and I have to say; I walk through on my husband when he's pooping from time to time (we're pretty liberal about natural functions). He's usually holding the junk down under to keep urine from spraying his face. I never figured it was a big issue. If you wash your hands really well, it shouldn't be an issue. Although, I don't know his routine in public restrooms. For all the fellas out there, does it make a difference if it's a public poop stop spot?

SirPoopsMcGee's picture

I personally tuck as I sit down. So, by the time my cheaks make rim contact, my goods are secured. Then, I hover wipe...at least three times or until the paper looks visibly clean. (no browns).

Grossed Out's picture

I've always been grossed out by the idea of a penis sitting inside a toilet or even resting on it. I go through hoops to cover a public toilet seat before sitting on it... so I think TurtleHed has the right idea. Guys, spare your ladies from smelling like fish by sticking nasty parts inside, and wrap it up!

Harley cock's picture

Honestly I am 6 inches and 14 years old and have this problom but I don't care and 4 inches for real is he 2 ???

DJfresh CArter's picture

Fo real 4 inches i can do better mine is 6 inches

TurtleHed's picture

I'm a bit more old fashioned than you other guys... I present more of a sudo-masacism technique whereas I have an average sized, 12 and 3/4 inch penis. When I know it's time to drop my kids off at the pool, I roll out a long length in TP, and wrap it around my little guy until it turns a purple/muave color. This keeps from dipping down and possibly becoming infected by the toilet bowl, as well as being protected by a tightly wrapped layer of soft wipe. I'm dissapointed by open-front toilets though, I usually lift the lid slightly, and slip my TP covered jiznunk in between the bowl and the lid, pinching it up there, and never falling down into the nasty water below. This also helps. Hope this works for some of you as well.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

"I have no penis", the love muscle not only touches the rim, it caresses it. It strokes it. It practically makes love to it. I hope this helps you feel better.

Sincerely,
I have no vagina.

I have no penis's picture

Female of the species here, i never knew you men had this issue. In fact it makes me feel quite ill thinking of a love muscle touching rim....

Hawk's picture

Beach Chick -- you must be a college student because you are so idealistic. Like a parent teaching their son how to use a public bathroom so that his dick is not resting in the pee on the front of the bowl that has been contributed by five dozen earlier users. Doesn't happen! Those of us with elementary-age children see clueless boys every day struggle in the doorless stalls of public bathrooms. Some parents have their back turned while using the urinal; others don't even come into the restroom itself. Just because you're school age doesn't mean you are automatically going to be able to use a public toilet unsupervised. Your implication is correct however: it's the parent's responsibility.

jayhill's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Since I don't like to piss on the floor, the toilet seat or myself, I push my trouser snake down and point it at the water. Learned it when I was a young boy and it is just automatic---sitting on the seat, my left hand automatically pushes the penis down. Until this thread I never knew there were guys who didn't do this, but then I haven't spent much time watching other men take a dump.

Beach Chick's picture

After reading the comments of Mandy 09.16.07 and Been Burned Too 09.19.07, I asked my boyfriend about how he handles it. We were at the beach yesterday and he had just come back from going into the restroom building and bragging that it was the most satisfying crap he's had in a couple of weeks. He was gone 20 minutes so I hoped he was able to produce. His only complaint was that his butt seemed to stick to the toilet seat. At that point I playfully asked him about his penis and he just said it naturally rests on the porcelain and that he doesn't really worry about it. I told him I would think he could point it into the bowl with one of his hands, but he apparently has never thought about that. Two years ago when I was still babysitting I took a kindergarten boy into the mens room at a gas station and had to wipe the front of the bowl before I let him sit down. It was dripping from yellow pee. I would think parents would review that with their sons.

Saul's picture

Well, I like to have a good view while doing the duty. [sic]
My cock end dude.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You push your head down? What for? Doesn't it hurt your neck?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Oh yeah, and don't forget to line the seat with TP, I heard someone saying to sit right on the bowl, I wouldn't recommend that unless your over three feet wide on the backside.

Saul's picture

I have this problem as well. I basically pull up from the middle area of my penis and use my index finger from that hand to push my head down, then I 'hover' to to wipe

rufio's picture

whenever my dick touches the inside of the toilet bowl i always put hand sanitizer on it.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Ugh, oh, mmm. A little more vaseline and I think I'll be good.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I know what ya mean, PD, those industrial size rolls on have a 3 and half inch diameter core....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I think I could handle 2 or 3 rolls. Might be a tight fit on the diameter.

Toilet freak's picture

See what i like to do is.. Get a Roll of toilet paper (yes the whole thing) and then stick my little friend down the middle of it when im sitting on the toilet. works like a treat ;)

ipoopsobig's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I like to put a few folds of toilet paper between my dick and the bowl.

Plunder's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Elongated toilets seem to have higher water levels for some reason. Both balls and shaft are in peril whenever using them.

Standard rounds still pose their own hazards. stay alert, for even if your love porkchop doesn't touch touch the porcelain, you may discover that it's but a hairsbreadth away. Then the pee ricochets EVERYWHERE and poof, you're wiping wang, scrubbing sack and hating life.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I have just recently stapled a swatch of velcro to my baby batter bazooka, and my left knee...keeps things handy, yet conveniently out of the way.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Diandra's picture

The answer for Senior Jack is that you've got to look out for yourself. I was taught by my mother several years ago not to sit directly on a toilet seat away from home. Therefore, I put one sheet of paper on each side of the seat--and just the smallest amount necessary to cover the part I'm going to sit on. For obvious reasons, I'm not worried about the front of the stool. I don't know what the "position of superiority" is, but I do know that I'm not sitting in anyone's urine or tiny piece of shit that the stand-up wipers sometimes leave behind. I'm lucky, I guess, that my office building has the holders with toilet seat protectors. Some of my colleagues don't use them but I do. And they save toilet paper for those who are messier.

Senior  Jock's picture

Like some of the others who are posting, my girlfriend and I read PoopReport when we need a break from doing our homework. Also, our school administrators block Poop Report and there's a word that comes up on the computer screen that I've never heard before. It's pretty big and official-sounding, but I can't think of it now. Anyway, my girlfriend who is a sophomore, asked me this question about my penis laying over the porcelin. She thinks my answer is strange because for as long as I can remember in public places and at school, I take three long sheets of toilet paper to put over the seat before I sit down and I place a smaller one over the front of the stool. That way my penis doesn't touch the stool. I found that my girlfriend sits right down on the seat without covering it. She thinks covering the seat is stupid and says that most of her friends do the same thing. She's now teasing me saying that I'm inconsiderate to the others who will be using the toilet after me because eventually they won't have paper to wipe with because I'm wasting it. She says I'm putting myself in a "position of superiority" over the others and that I must think I'm too good or better than them since I don't want to do as they do. It's got me thinking, but I don't exactly know about what. Help me!

Senior Cheerleader's picture

Several of us give our boyfriends oral. Some of the posts above are disturbing to me. Just yesterday I had my boyfriend read them while we were in my room studying (we can't read Poop Report at school because it is blocked and labled "bad taste") and he too loves the site. However, he said he doesn't worry about his penis hanging over the front of the toilet bowl and never has, but he says it sometimes can get pretty cold when the bathroom windows are open at school because of all the smokers. He said he knows a guy from our school who has sat on ashes and burned his butt. I agree with some of the other posters, I hope I don't lose my will to give him head.

Rik Wakefield's picture

Guys,
This doesn't ever happen to me. My wang is a solid 4.1 inches (hard) in length, yet I still have never had this problem. My recommendation to you guys would be to just relax, let it hang normally, and nothing should come of it. Again, 4.1 inches hard(WAY bigger than most) and STILL not experiencing this problem.

Richard

pyropoo's picture

my cure for morning wood and my slippy snake hittin the seat is just to look at my fucking wife. i swear god hates middle aged women.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Carry a spray bottle of bleach, Meg...and don't be afraid to use it.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Meg's picture

Urrrgggh! Although I'm not taking AP classes at my high school, the postings by Mandy and Been Burned Too worry me because I give my boyfriend #### on almost a weekly basis. I don't want to piss him off by bringing up the question in conversation or refer him to these postings, but I'm starting to think about his hygiene at school. He usually excuses himself at the bathroom door when we're walking to lst hour and again at lunch. My best friend asks her boyfriend to shower first and she said he's willing to do it. The thought of his penis on a dirty toilet bowl is repulsive to me.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

...on the other hand, to get this thread back on track, may I observe that I prefer to keep my Wedding Tackle out of the water?

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

GGG and Dumpster, This does not sound like a combination of the two who are near and dear to us PR posters. What's up with this new alais?
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GGG and Dumpster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"Smokin' (peni) in the boys room,
Smokin' (peni) in the boys room.
Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules:
Everybody knows that smokin' (peni) ain't allowed in school!
"

Been Burned Too's picture

I don't think what Mandy's saying about her boyfriend's predicament is being taken seriously. A similar thing happened to me about 15 years ago when I was in middle school. I would take a square of toilet paper, wipe urine off the seat, and sit down--often with only a couple of seconds to spare before my first real blast came out. And yes I forgot to tuck my penis in. Although there were a couple of cigarettes in the bowl, I would never have thought to look at the front of the bowl. Only when I finished my shit and moved toward the front of the seat so that I could better wipe from the back, did my penis scrape over the front of the bowl. The ashes were quite hot and burned my very tip. This is no joking matter. As another victim, I can sympathize with Mandy and her boyfriend. It has, however, made me more cautious and I check out a toilet more carefully when I'm in a public place and smell smoke.

dookie monster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

mine is not the issue of kissing the vitreous with my viagra-hog...it is, more, keeping my old man scrotum out of the water, otherwise known as 'keeping the lifeguard out of the poo(l)'.


_______
purveyor of the brown note...

purveyor of the brown note...

Michael Palaikis's picture

I guess I'm the lucky one. I can sit at the front of the toilet and my little dick never comes close.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

I'm with GGG, Mandy. You obviously ain't takin' AP biology.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points


Sweetie, that's a pretty convincing story, but...

...I'm afraid that's NOT a burn mark.

Mandy's picture

My boyfriend and I study together three or four nights a week since we have several AP classes together. We take a break for 10 minutes or so each hour to read one of the threads and we find some of the topics to be hilarious. Often we get into some pretty intense discussions.

For example, in reading this thread my boyfriend admits he hasn't always been "gifted" (he got a 34 on his ACT his first time taking it!) During his first month as a freshman he learned his lesson about letting his penis touch the porcelain the hard way. He needed to crap bad, hated/still does, matter of fact, the open stalls. The only stall not in use had some smoke in it and he wiped a few ashes off the seat before sitting down. Within seconds, he felt a sharp jolt to his penis because it was resting on the front of the bowl and in some hot ashes. He immediately picked it up, and with toilet paper swept off the ashes but no before getting a burn. He said the burn, the size of a fingernail, hurt for a couple of weeks and was sore everytime he bathed for a while. He didn't want to tell his parents, and anyway, it was too embarrassing for him to see a doctor about.

I've given him **** a couple of times and I'm going to be curious when I do it next time.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

GGG wrote:

GottaGoGirl (2578) -- 09.14.2007

Bilgepump (567) -- 09.14.2007 wrote:

I handle mine as often as possible....

And yet, no typos.

Impressive.
________________________________
Yeah, I'm good like that.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Bilgepump (567) -- 09.14.2007 wrote:

I handle mine as often as possible....

And yet, no typos.

Impressive.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Simple solution for me.
Sit, pee, wipe the tip. Hang paper gasket between 'Mr. Happy' and the seat front.
Take the Browns to the Super Bowl and wipe.
Drop the gakset into the bowl and flush.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I handle mine as often as possible....

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Well, this thread just goes to show that every man handles his love muscle differently.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Turd.....nah....nevermind....unarmed, must have mercy.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

bigpapa's picture

people before you sit place toilet paper all over the sitting area and double in the front, make sure your coxs' tip is dry if not it'll get stuck to the toilet paper. And we all know its a bitch to get off. Then you grab it and tuck it to the side,.. if I tuck it down it'll drown in toilet water, if i hold it up it'll shoot me in the face, so you hold it to the side! thats my advice

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

"Any of you guys have trouble getting dick prints on the toilet seat. My dad seems to do this and I think it's disgusting. If you do, what's your solution so I can tell the fucker."

Wait until Thanksgiving dinner when the entire family is gathered round the table. When there's that awkward pause in the conversation point to the mashed potatoes and gravy on your plate and innocently blurt out, "Wow, this looks like the dick print that Daddy leaves on the toilet."

As for the original question, penis-on-porcelain is part of the male condition. If you can't stand the feeling, get a diaper.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points

As posted by Bilgepump: "my unit isn't 4' long...just shy of that...but one has to stand that far back, falling toward the wall, thus bringing said unit within firing range....sorry you failed geometry and trigonometry, Turd."

Wow, sorry about your teenie weenie, Bilge - it's okay, though: I guess you could always fall back on the old adage that it's not the length of the log but the motion of the ocean that counts, right? But seriously, though: what's all this rot about 'falling against the wall' and all that? With a four-inch wanker I would think it would be more than sufficient just to push the joker downward and pee directly into the bowl. Why are the acrobatics also necessary?


_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Anonymous Coward's picture

My dick's so small I call him Little Richard.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I`ve always found that the best way of pissing with morning wood is to enter the bathroom, do a handstand and reverse position in front of the pan.

My length of Scot`s Pine is then at the perfect angle to score a direct hit.

The voice of sanity

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

my unit isn't 4' long...just shy of that...but one has to stand that far back, falling toward the wall, thus bringing said unit within firing range....sorry you failed geometry and trigonometry, Turd.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Bilge: the morning wood piss is a tough one. The "stand far back and try to aim" technique is REALLY messy, especially as the force of the stream starts to drop. I've settled on sitting, with my ass as far back on the seat as it'll go, leaning forward and doing the "bend". The trick is sitting WAY back on the seat and leaning over till my shoulders are nearly touching my legs (minimizes bending).
TT: there truly ARE some circus-style freaks of nature out there. I'm not sure about 4' long but they're out there, man. I think I encountered some photos a few years ago by doing a word search on "freaks". Photoshop? Maybe...but DAMN!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Turd Turdgutson writes: There's no human being on earth that has a four-foot dick.

As opposed to human beings on Jupiter, maybe?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

That's right; Bilge is super-human.

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points

Oh, please. There's no human being on earth that has a four-foot dick.

_______
"...human shit has more of an almond, or perhaps a macadamia flavor to it. I hope you will all take my advice and really consider tasting your poop some time, as I have. It's really quite an experience." - Ratz

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Hadn't been to this thread in a year...still wiping tears....

to address not the original issue, but one discussed about half way through the comments...the morning piss hard-on...one of life's dilemmas. For me, I need to stand about 4 feet away from the bowl...and fall forward, catching myself on the wall. I have found it quite impossible to piss trying to bend my dick to the bowl with a boner...although the pain is rather exquisite.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Giving this one a bump so that a few more sniffers can come through here... Some funny, funny stuff on this thread!

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points

I only wish mine was long enough to touch the seat.

Just kill me now's picture

I'm about 8" and I usually sit on my hands to give me that extra inch to keep it outa the water. n E ways I wasy pinchin a loaf after fuckin (er...myself) and I tried folding it, about this > angle and right after I dropped the cosby kids off at the pool I had a sharp pain mid shaft and about a tablespoon of blood shot outa my beloved cock. Naturally I then screamed like a little girl----with a bloody penis, yeah, that kinda scream. Funny how life sometimes leaves you scouring then net for male shit stories, sucks. I ruled out std, havent had sex for like 8 months, wow my life blows.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Have any of you slipped and had your penis touch the bowl? Any worries?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Weirdo101 - wirewheel on a grinder should do it.

Weirdo101's picture

I made a huge mistake tucking my johnson under the toilet seat and letting it touch. Now there is a dark rim just below the head of my dick on the shaft. Any suggestions on how to get rid of this?

Crunchy Frog's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is a bit of a sore subject for me. As a teenager I used to wank a LOT and on one occasion Mum said "what are you doing in there? I'm coming in" so what could I do? I had to lift the seat and pretend I was taking a dump, so my throbber was under the rim of the seat and right up against the porcelain. She burst in and it was as if I was just having a pleasant innocent crap though without the heady aroma. Thing was I forgot about it once she was satisfied I wasn't knocking one out and went to get up, only I caught the chap on the seat on getting up. That was an OUCH moment!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Fellas, make sure you clear the frontal part of any pubic hair otherwise it will make your urine squirt two ways sometimes THREE ways.

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I usually don't have much of a problem with my wanker touching the seat.

I am very thin and have an elongated toilet, so everything kinda just falls where it should when sit down. As for pecker tracks on the toilet seat, I always wipe up after myself. I have seen many other instances where men don't wipe their pecker tracks up, and that drives me cuko.
_______
Watch out for the deadly F4, though he's been gone since '53, he will be back.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I guess it doesn't matter any more after all the above wisdom, but...

If its a roomy toilet seat, my little buddy just sits there looking around, maybe reading the newspaper with me. If its a small seat, I will tuck the little-lizzard-of-love down and my chubby thighs hold it in place, there's no danger of it coming in contact with the water - believe me.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I ain't letting my blood engorged mayonnaise cannon hit the porcelain. I just sling him over my shoulder.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

My pleasure.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

GGG - I'm sitting here at work trying to figure out the "Lousy" thing when it hit me - nickname for Anomalous I was drinking a cup of coffee, and I snorted and dang near choked to death on my drink. My sick mind then considered the death certificate should that happen. Cause of death - "cerebral shit ingestion via website". Its probably not all that funny to someone who's not sleep deprived, but it hit me as hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Lousy, that would be "POOtentate".

Turdy, uh... what?

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points

You know, if you'd all just slam your dicks in the toilet seat before you began the process, you wouldn't have to worry about them getting in the way.
_______
"Uugggghh...nnnrrrrAAaaaaarrrgg...*splash*...aaaahh."

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Thankyou Sir Sam. The Potentate of Shitty Ditties does have a nice ring to it....

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Anomolous, I am really starting to like your shitty ditties.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I just gotta comment on this one! Forgive me, I'm soooo weak....

When your ass sits on the pot,
Your weinie must touch the porcelain NOT!
Be ye thoughtful and kind to him,
Knock not his head against the rim.
See he gets not a faceful of goop,
When he's dangling o'er the soup.
You must not abuse your little man
When you're seated on the can
Else when you should be reading Psalms
You'll grow hair upon your palms.
Little Willie may swim out to sea,
But not if you drown him in the pee.
So if you hold not your dick aloft,
When you need him he may go soft.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Yeah. Anthony? If you're still around here, uhh... I have a ruler on my desk, and I'm still laughing. And what's with the .1 part?

Furthermore, my toddler son, while I would never be so crass as to actually MEASURE him, looks to be about 2 1/2 inches already.

He'll surpass your 4.1 inches before he's out of kindergarten, Mr. Super Happy.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Normal for who? A chihuahua?

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I have a friend in nursing school. She took anatomy, recently. They talked about penises (peni, plural???). I almost fell off the chair when she told me the size range. It would seem "normal" encompasses measurements all the way down to the 2-inch mark.

2. That's 2. Two. Inches. I had no idea.

One inch--NOT normal. TWO inches--Okay, call it normal. I can't stop laughing.

sharty mcfly's picture
l 100+ points

dude, i think he was kidding by how many times he emphasized that he thought it was huge. as far as my "ham truncheon" or "pork sword" touching the rim, that's a definite no go. and if you want to get into names for the revered phallus, i can probably give you at least 100, maybe 20 or 30 you haven't heard. my personal favorite being "captain dick and his two nutty friends" that for the whole package, in any case, that part of the bosy shouldn't touch the bowl, and i hate the splashback, but it happens from time to time.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Once again, I will say it's great having TSV back! I also think we need some +1's here. Shoot, let's see just how many terms for a penis we have here.

BTW, mine is "normal" and it's bigger than 4 inches. I think someone here has been lied to about what's big. I don't think it's his fault.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

TSV, you are right--I've been here before, but I failed to realize that this thread is, if not a "gold mine," at least a "jewel mine" of metaphors for the man meat. If I had time, I would get up a glossary based on this thread.

However, two things bug me: First, the idiot who claims his 4.1 inches is "large." I didn't know we had any Munchkins on this site. Besides, bragging on how much dick you have is in just as poor taste as boasting about how much money you have. Usually those who do so are a whole lot more brag than fact.

Second, I am OUTRAGED at the insults to the beloved AB2K! I think these are by the same shrinky-winky Unregistered User who made a fool out of himself by revealing the length of his miniscule member. A little, little man in every way.

But, to loosely paraphrase G. K. Chesterton, the quality of AB2K may be judged in some measure by the character of those who oppose her.

Thanks for resurrecting this thread, TSV. GOD, am I glad you're back! This site just isn't the same without you!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

ATTENTION MODERATORS-

We need to get in here and moderate some of these comments. There are some real great gems and they deserve a +1.

I have never heard so many hilarious terms for "wang" in my life! My favorite was "the purple-heard yogurt slinger".

And I seriously doubt the above Holy Shitter post was actually from The Holy Shitter. I think it's great that the computer recognized it, though.

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture

If the problem is bad enough, the elongated toilet that is designed for handicped folks. This toilet has additional depth. My brother installed one about a year ago. It beats my standard elongated models.

Under the right circumstances, I can't explain, my penis or scrotum can hit the water of the conventional elongated toilet. Not the one mentioned above.

I pwn so many n00bs's picture

"Alright here is the deal, with a dick over 12 inches, I have to hang it over my thigh. And there is no way I can shit and take a piss at the same time. Its a crying shame."

Hahahaha. Isn't the record about 13 inches? Jesus dude. You could fold your dick in half and be about the same size as I am.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Shit talkin' assholes? It's Poop Report, for God's sake. Don't we come here to talk about shit? :-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

PR's goin' downhill fast when we get a bunch of shit talkin' assholes posting all the time.....Ahhh, the good old days....

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Go get em AB2k's Mom!

Have a Crappy Day!! Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

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