Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Pushing has failed. What do you do?

448 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit"

Deuce Fan's picture

take a warm bath....

coffeeboi's picture

Drink some coffee or squirt some where the poop comes out...Coffee makes you poop!

coffeeboi's picture

By the way...First post rules!

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

I read somewhere here about a technique called priming the pump. When your ass muscles just don't want to push, you jam a little wad of TP up your butt. Your butt thinks it's poop, and pushes it out, and the pushing gets the stuck shit to move along.

I've tried it a only a few times. It works, kinda.

C Everett Poop's picture

If this ever happened to me, which it hasn't, I would use a pair of 14 inch channel lock pliers, a quart of motor oil and an M-80 cherry bomb.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points

This is what I do...

Rock and wait. I will rock gently back and forth, putting pressure on the stubborn grogan. Over time, this seems to get at least some of the offending creature to come out.

Another option is to clean up, go out and move around, maybe exercise a bit.

Yet another option: Have a cup of coffee and wait.

But if you are talking about making things happen on the john, in the moment, I am of no help.

still_shitting's picture

caffene, nicotine usually work well together

the crammer technique works well also

ThreePly's picture

Drink a cup of coffee or fruit juice, or both. Then throw on your running shoes and job a couple miles. That's sure to jog that turd loose.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Lower abdomen massage? I've heard it works.....but not for me!! I use good ol' Coffee & Nicotine. Works every time.

H R Poopnsquirt's picture

Do like the constipated mathematician.....

Work it out with a pencil.


Turdmatic 6000's picture

I favor the Holy Shitter's method, except in the "We're not worthy!" position (see Wayne's World: face down, ass on heels & stomach pushing down on knees, arms straight ahead). Works equally well for backed-up farts.

Also, keeping the push gentle but constant over a few minutes seems to get the shier poops down into exit position or past a tight bunghole better than the usual cycle of strain-relax-strain-curse.

If all the above fails, I've probably got many hours' worth of sci-fi in the bathroom anyhow, so what's a little delay?

Poopstain McLain's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Maybe one could invent a toilet that has a computer controlled spraying device that gives the would-be shitter an enema after a certain amount of time with no progress.

oblivious's picture

girls can also push from the outside- you just kinda massage down there a lil- i dont know if this works for guys

H R Poopnsquirt's picture

And then there's the method Turk used on "Scrubs"...He told a constipated kid to envision tiny little men inside him, "pushing out the dookie."

Mudpusher's picture

When all else fails....two words

Digital Extraction.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Nothing like a couple hits of old LSD to get the party started in your pants.

However, for those of you who don't have any bleached Mr. Wizard or raggedy Pyramid laying around, I, too, find a good walk or run will help along with some coffee, and if all else fails, a cigarette.

If you've done all that and nothing still is happening, there's always glycerin suppositories. They work pretty well, and they don't induce crazy diarrhea like other laxatives.

I think prevention is the best medicine here, but that's kind of after the fact and useless.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Craptain Skidd's picture

I found a technique purely by accident one day. I was a little plugged and thought I'd just sit there for a few minutes. I read, rocked a bit, pushed a bit (to no avail) and then decided that I needed to blow my nose. BAM! Once I blew my nose, it was like I'd commissioned a few lazy upper abdomen muscles to help. They worked quickly so that they could get back to doing nothing I guess. Now, when I've had a little too much cheese and it seems that I'm slightly packed, I'll blow my nose or pinch my nose and blow...Works everytime.

The Fartist's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I've heard tale of squirting WD40 in the chute. Never tried it. I rarely have any delays on the runway. I like the channel lock method. I'll keep that one in mind.

Pucker Factor's picture

isn't there anything WD-40 can't do!!

Extreme Feces's picture

Drink milk.

Captain Crepadation's picture

Eat a few eggrolls

yummypoo's picture

I ALWAYS ALWAYS read poo stories on this site when I need to awaken my a-hole. It seems to stir the need to fart and shit.

Exercse helps too, but not as much as reading this site

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Finally! Someone else who uses Poop Report as a laxative!!!

Anyway, when I get something stuck up there I do what I call the asshole dance. Thats where I move my butt around and pull my cheeks out while pushing. It usually moves the poop down and out of the chute but it looks very bizarre if you happen to walk in on someone doing it.

P.S. Never dare your parents to find you a house. They did and now I had to come home early from Mammoth. However, I did come back with a good poop story. (Revenge on a horrible Uncle Ted.)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

dookie dog's picture

When I was a youngin my mom found me a pad, she coped one of the keys from the landlord one night as me and my pals were running like 200lbs of weed through screens to clean it in walked mom with her date, FUCK!!! We got away with the shit before the cops came. I mean I guess I could have wasted them both. No not mom good luck Shit Volcano. As far as stuck shit I have been termnally stuck for a couple years until I started reading poopreport taking advice helps to, but poopreport has saved my sernity because there aien't nothing better than blowing a log out my ass while reading the L.A.TIMES, Then wiping it all up with the Santa Barbara news press.......

jmoney's picture

Did you hear about the consitpated mathmetician? He worked it out with a pencil.

H R Poopnsquirt's picture

jmoney, why yes, I do believe I heard of him somewhere. I wonder where....

shitnsplit's picture

eat raw chicken, that will release the monster

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

TSV, you will never believe how much I missed you!

I thought we'd never be able to make fun of The Right Wing, Bible Thumpers, Old People, and Prudes again!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, Slim Jim. I've missed talking the shit, too. You'd never believe how insane I've gone without Poop Report to sort it out. Those assholes in Mammoth were charging 3.50 for half an hour of internet time!

I will agree with the people who have mentioned using Poop Report to get stuck shit out. Since I've gotten home I've shat three times a day. That's freakin' rare for me!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

P.S. Slim Jim, did you hear that Bubbu the Lovesponge is running for sheriff? No joke!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Captain Crepadation's picture

Bananas and milk will clear the spout also

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Yeah, I heard about Bubba Clem For Sheriff, and that is what will make me get out and vote for him. I am waiting for him to take revenge on uptight old prudes.

Straight-Pipe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Normally it runs straight through me, but when it is stubborn I just play drums on my stomach. I think that the vibrations and the fact that I am no longer thinking about it helps.

Straight-Pipe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Also, did you hear the one about the consitpated mathmetician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

OMG, LOL, I am awesome!

Pooperscooper's picture

If I am seriously bunged up, I use an enema.

Its much, much better to do that than strain. People have killed themselves from strokes and heart attacks by straining. You can also give yourself an anal fissure--a tear in your O-Ring. Hurts like fuck and takes forever to heal.

Just make sure you have total privacy in the bathroom and no one's going to walk in on you--though your dog or cat will definitely look at you funny.

Seriously, if you tend to get constipated,and know you're healthy otherwise, its much better to keep an enema kit stashed away for emergencies than to strain.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Death on the pot! What a way to go!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopstain McLain's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I get a weird problem: I have a hard poop and then after it comes out there is soft poop that smells like diarrhea. The worst of everything.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Try using a carrot to get out that stuck shit. It works like a charm and it reaches way up there. ;-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Sitting Wiper's picture

There was another mathematician who worked it out with logs.

werewolf pooping on trees's picture

if you can get it out far enough to touch the water just flush and it will pull on the poop

Dennis's picture

I keep two sets of hand weights right by the terlettoe. A 1 pound set and a 3 pound set. Doing a little weight lifting helps mother nature along I have found. Depending upon how deep the trojan has decided to make it's stand is the deciding factor of which weight I use. I do know how to juggle and have been considering doing that while waiting. I know that would rip my entire colon out. A little disco music and some 3 pound juggling = ??? who knows.

Poop Pimp's picture

Eat an apple and wait a few, you'll shit like there is no end...

Ricky's picture

Ever get dump pains, go dump, and a little bit comes out like a raisin, then about ten minutes later you get internal lower colon distress?

Cure: SMOKE A CIGARETTE(it works).

Sitting Wiper's picture

My preference is to follow Poop Pimp and eat an apple rather than Ricky and smoke a cigarette.

A friend of mine in college was a heavy smoker and always had a cig after breakfast before dropping trou.

He found it worked. But he died of cancer when he was 27.

I only once remember it getting stuck half way for me. At the age of 12, still wearing short trousers, before catching the 'bus for grammar school. If we were late for school, there was bother. I tried to break it off, but it wasn't out far enough. Eventually it came, but nad a quite sore bum for the rest of the day.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away (an onion a day keeps everyone away).

diarrhea's picture

i just smoke a every time

Krazycritic's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Rocking back and forth faster and faster while exerting pressure on your lower stomach with your fingers helps a lot! But I find when I'm doing this I begin to hum a tune to my back and forth movement and before ya know it...I'm ROCKIN' to Van Halen's ERUPTION! This gets me moving more and all of a sudden I find myself lifting my ass off the seat and pounding it down again! All that work, manual pressure, and ass-slammin' on the old oak seat final has that packed poop splashing the water like a 40 pound Muskie! Sometimes I gotta tighten down the toidy after a few of these but as long as those pressure packed poo sculptures are G-O-N-E!!!

Turd Burglar's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have never been constipated. Sucks for you guys.

dumbum's picture

This site is the shit! What shitty advice! Thanks~ dumbum

maddyx's picture

prevention is better than cure. drink enough water, eat enough veggies and fruit, and you'll never have the problem.

jazzmin's picture

If you have really hard poops. and you dont want to clog the toliet. use a meatal hanger to chop it up

t0x1c B4by Bug's picture

If I have a shit that's being shy, I acctually do put my fingers inside my vagina and push downwards, it works every time.

wide awake's picture

going to try an apple, and the vagina method. and i thought i was the only person in the world with a stuck piece of poo...

pile o'poo's picture

Yeah I do that too when my poop is stuck. I'll stick my thumb up my vagina and ease the lodged turd on down by way of pressing along the back of my vaginal wall (if it's really old and hard you will Definetely feel it). A couple jumping jacks for turds who are just a little bit stubborn works in (for) a pinch. Or try putting a little soap on your finger and just wiggle it around - sometimes I get this sticky ass glue substance around my opening and it's understandable how nothing could come out of there!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Sometimes I'll grab the end of the shit with a big wad of toilet paper and yank it to one side. It rips the top off the poo and lets the rest of it come out.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopy's picture

If you sing to it, it'll be coaxed to come out. :) Don't shout at it though or it'll never budge!

Poopy's picture

I heard of a man once who didn't go for TWO WEEKS and had to go to Hospital..! Ouch. I bet that awful Hospital food got the stubborn turd flying out just so the bum could go back home to decent food..!

poop's picture

if u have this carp becuse the shit is in there and when i say inthere i mean up there in your ass u take your hand and stik it up there and pull it out your salf and the put some cream on your but lol '

Phart's picture

I used a combination of methods. I pull my cheeks outwards, exposing the anal fissure, then slam my ass on the toilet repeatedly. I did break the seat one time. This also gets those really obnoxious clingers that get past the chompers, but dangle on the fur. That way, you don't use a flying-fuck-load of toilet paper and clog the stupid machine. Don't forget: the point is to use nature's law whereby bodies in motion tend to stay in motion to your benefit.

rickdawg's picture

if you cant poop eat a sack of sliders at white castlse's or eat a bunch of tacos from taco bell
first you'll fart the you'll shit

rickdawg's picture

if you'll cant shit you must aquit.

Offal Rocket's picture

I have three good methods for hung-chow:

1) If you have time, take a short nap. I have done this several times, and when I finally awake, where once was naught, now is a U-571.

2) If you are in a huge hurry, hair conditioner is both an excellent lubrication, and usually close-at-hand. Usually leaves a pleasant odor. To apply, twist the toilet paper into a helical obelisk, and drizzle the outside before inserting.

3) Close your eyes and imagine yourself getting up, leaving the bathroom, and engaging in some incredibly important situation which invokes major stress. You may "trick" yourself into the anxiety shits. This one has never worked for me, but I'd like a second opinion.

extreeem's picture

Dispite the several suggestions that this was a bad idea from people who ought to know, i actually had surgury to better elininate fecal matter. I have always had a problem with a lack of elasitcity in my sphincter, so i had it "snipped". Now as soon as i get the pre-urge i make my way to the lavatory, and the feces flows out smoothly and painlessly. I have accidentos once in a while, but i still believe it was well worth it.

Baron von Pooptoven's picture

Best method to getting the stuck poopies out, BAR NONE:

Eat nothing for breakfast, eat nothing for lunch. Eat a really light dinner at 5PM. At 8PM, drink a whole 40oz of malt liqour and wait. If this doesn't fix the problem by the end of the night, you just wait till the next morning... it's gonna be shit-city inside your toilet.

I freakin guarantee it. This has never failed me ONCE.

tronald dump's picture

Baron, you've got it all wrong babe. THe shitting from the Malt Liquor is an illusion. I ought to know. I'm the MAYOR of your so-called "shit city" and my own shit is the sherrif of shit city, and this town ain't big enough for misguided information. Next time you do that thing stick your thumb up your a$$hole and wiggle it around. when you pull it out there will be a layer of crap around your thumb like the coating on a corndog. Don't believe me? come oover and i'll show you the battle scars on my own a$$hole with a penlight!!!!

Dilly's picture

Coffee is great. Real stong instant coffee will clear that shit out real good.

InvisaPoo's picture

a.Wait for it.
b.Poke at your butthole with TP.
c.Push REALLY hard.

Ben's picture

If coffee doesn't work, try Dulcolax suppositories. It works within 30 mins. For even faster action, a fleet enema. You better be next to a toilet. My preference is a suppository.

Dr. Poop's picture

I have recommended the following method to many of my patients.

The method is entitled the Dr. Poop Method.

For this method to work, the patient must assume the position. That is, the patient must crouch down while on top of the toliet seat.

Now while wearing a latex glove, push until the tree log barely is exiting the colon.

Using the hand that is wearing the latex glove, reach down behind and grab a hold of the tree log.

Now pull on the tree log while pushing with your stomach.

Ben's picture

It all sounds like hard work. Just use a suppository!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Or better yet a vacume cleaner!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

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