Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit

// // 448 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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THE ISSUE:

Pushing has failed. What do you do?

448 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit"

enematic's picture
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HELLO!! enema! just use this method:

1. prepare an enema [2-3 quarts]
2. insert enema [nozzle should be inserted about 4 in]
3. let enema fill your rectum and intestines
4. insert butt plug. if not available, just insert 3-4 fingers for a half hour.
5. wait 30 mins.
6. go to toilet
7. unplug yourself, and prepare for eruption. a seatbelt for your toilet may help keep you on the pot and not running away. when youre really blocked up, there's no mercy! that blockage will shoot out even if you dont push, and there's no way to hold back. shut your eyes and work through the pain.
8. repeat process to totally clean yourself out.

**tips and warnings-
you will probably feel pain but do not try to stop it.
the longer you hold the plug in, the faster the evacuation goes.
if plug is held in long enough, the eruption will have such force it may splash and/or spray.

enjoy! especially you chronic constipated people out there, the sensation of being empty will be magical.

Poop-Strain's picture
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This never fails me. Follow these simple steps and you'll be crapping in 30 minutes or less. No joke!

1. Get some Franks Red Hot hot suace.

2. Drink about half a bottle of the stuff.
3. Wait until you feel a urge in your stomach like you'r gonna explode.

4. Head towards the pot and doo your dooty.

This technique has been proven to work(by me). It will dissolve the stubborn logs and turn it into some serious ass-piss.
It turns your bumm into a furnace and you'll have some seriously loud blowouts, but its worth it. If this does not work for you please e-mail me to complain.

WelshBoy's picture
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If I feel pushing is failing I give myself a couple of minutes rest so that my arse has a chance to totally relax and recover. Then I go hell for leather again, repeating the process until I've achieved my goal.

I often combine this with an encouragable rocking motion which turns into a violent shake for the more complicated projects.

lauren greenleaves's picture
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when i poo it normally squirts everywhere and is really messy at the moment and so the solution is to put on bag down the toilet before u poo this way there is no mess when u remaove the bag. Make sure you remove the bag once a week with rubbber gloves.

wasabi's picture
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i would definitely have to second the bit about blowing your nose. it has worked for me ample times. everything just seems to relax down there.

piggyknickers's picture
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What a brilliant site. I found it the day after I'd gone through my most difficult and distressing crap EVER, and it was so good to know I'm not alone in my struggle.
I had pushed and strained and sweated for over an hour the other night, all to no avail. I could see (in the mirror) this enormous, concrete turd hovering in there, but would the swine come out? No chance. It felt so huge that I couldn't believe it would ever get through my arsehole. I tried rocking back and forth. I squatted in the bath. I did some bending and stretching exercises,but the bastard wouldn't move. I was pouring with sweat, and utterly exhausted from straining, but in the end I had to give up and take the thing to bed with me. It was a damn good job that my husband was away for the night, because my arse was so distended with this damn great turd that there wouldn't have been room in the bed for him as well! I could hardly stand up straight to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom - it was like having a telegraph pole hanging out between my legs. It was a bit more comfortable laying down, and I eventually got off to sleep, but about 4.30 in the morning, I got up for another try. Same routine, rocking, pushing, hanging on to the radiator for dear life, massaging my tummy, digging about at it with a toothbrush handle. Eventually it came out. Must have been the size of a rugby ball. I felt as though my insides had dropped out. My poor arse was sore as hell, but what a beautiful feeling to be "empty" at last.
This only happens every so often, but when it does it's terrifying. I really think I'm going to do some damage one day. I eat All Bran every morning, eat loads of fruit (must admit I'm not keen on veg.)and drink plenty of water, so I don't really know what else I can do. I don't like taking laxatives, but have to occasionally.
I haven't tried the finger/thumb up the vagina method yet, but I think I will next time. It's going to be a messy business, but I have to try everything. Thanks everyone for all your useful advice. It's an amazing site, and I never realised there were so many other strugglers like me out there.

Full of cr**'s picture
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Wow... it's after 2am and I'm still up... IT IS TOTALLY STUCK! The only way I get relief is to do the dig with the ol' finger. And there's STILL plenty in there. Got online to search for feces stuck in rectum and up came Poopreport. Have visited your site before and had forgotten how helpful it is! And how Funny! Thanks all for your comments and for a great read! I took some milk of mag...... will let y'all know how it all comes out. :)

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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I forgot about something I did when I had a trampoline.

I would jump in a postition that was halfway between standing and squatting. The G-forces would move the log into turtlehead position, and give me a 5-minute window of time to get to the throne without crapping my pants.

Once it was over, one single log would come out, and I'd feel like I emptied my bowels the way an SBD empties an elevator.

Shitty Day's picture
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It Just Aint Comin Out Man

JamieTeal's picture
l 100+ points
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Wow. I will definitely try the vagina technique next time. I've often wished I had telekinesis and could just push the turd out from the top. Maybe this will do the trick.

If you don't have latex gloves handy, a lubricated condom on a finger will also help protect you from the stink-finger associated with manual disimpaction.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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you should eat more vegetables........

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The vagina technique is as sick now as it was then. Wiggle your ass a little and yank on the shit with a ball of toilet paper. It works best. For ideas check out "The Hunt for the Brown October".

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Stand up, and do a few sets of tall, reaching stretches. If that doesn't work, go away and try again later after a cup of hot coffee.


_______
I CAN'T go to work today. The voices said to stay home and clean the guns!

Nudebie's picture
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Ask Elvis.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Elvis died on the toilet, didn't he?

I usullay jump up and down a few times and push ahrd. If that doesn't work, I take a shower.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Need Laxatives's picture
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Well i've had a cronic problem for the last 2 years--litterally and to keep it short--i can't poop.
In my pooping ventures i have used many a method to do this seemingly normal function.Started with Ex-lax 2 or three little chocolate pieces but it takes too long 6 hours or more sometimes.Cheap biscodyl tabs ,they work too,again 6 hours or more unless you drink RE-percolated coffee,the kind you have re-dumpded back in the percolator after it has allready been percolated--super duper coffee time to blast off 3 hours or so using both..lol
Milk of magnesia works too about one capfull.this works in about 40 mins.

Last if not least if your REALLY REALLY DESPARATE I MEAN DESPARATE TO POOP go for some Magnesium citrate-available at your local supermarket drug isle or pharmacy.
you can drink it but it tastes bad--like drinking seltzer water with heavy sodium in it---in about 20 mins or so your gut will sound like world war 3 litterally----then don't leave the house and stay near the toilet--you will be visiting it over and over for a while.
I'm writing this in hope that i can help some one else out there.
I think i may have some medical condition i'm unaware of cause it's just getting worse,my DOCTOR want to do some tests on me but well,the camera up the butt thing does not go down with me too well right now.
Take care all,and good luck.

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Need laxatives:

The quickest relief is with a Fleet enema. Be near a toilet as it works within five minutes. Your second choice woould be Ducolax suppositores(glycerin ones probably won't work in your case). I promise you will be bursting in 30 minutes.

In the long run, try all-bran for breakfast, more friuts and vegetables in general, leaa pasta and meat.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have had the shits for along time now my arse is red raw, what can i do to get rid of it.

SherCat's picture
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RAW B-HOLE: Put a couple of drops of the clear, liquid Benadrill (sp?) on toiletpaper or tip of glove finger and rub it on the hole. Takes the pain right away.

NoShit's picture
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Take a small piece of toilet paper and use it to gently massage the area around your butthole. It activates some kind of glands under the skin or something, and will sometimes stimulate your colon to do the old heave-ho. At least this works for me.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
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Use the long division method - you know - work it out with a pencil.

Sticky's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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If it seems to be stuck, and you can't push out, pull in. This gives you more to push out on the 2nd attempt. It's like getting a new ball to fire in a game of pinball. However pulling in isn't as easy as it sounds, and you have to engage muscle groups you never even knew you had. You can liken it to taking in a sharp breathe of air through your anus. You don't want the air going all the way through you though and coming out the other end - you have to create a vacuum. I do this by tensing the muscles in my throat, almost as if you were blowing your nose or sneezing. It's hard to explain - you have to try it to understand. Works for me every time.

Crappylious's picture
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heyy

my crap has been getting stuck for the past few days. it makes me not want to crap actally because i'm scared it will get stuck. i'm going to go to bed right now but in the morning i'm gonna try the holding the nose and pushing. i just did it a sec ago to see and i farted so maybe it will work? Hahha i love this site, it's soooo funny!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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GGG - "If that doesn't work, go away and try again later after a cup of hot coffee" Tried it - burned my sphincter.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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*gigglesnort* Ooops! Sorry. I should have been more specific!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Getting out stuck shit. My solution. Two bottles of Magnesium Citrate. You will be clear as a bell in no time, guaranteed. You will however, spend the afternoon on the porcelain pony.
______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Eating a lot of fibers, which can be grains, fruits and vegetables that aid digestion and clear out the intestines, believe me, no straining no nothing, it just plops out, well for me anyway, and if that does not work, wait and take your mind off of it until "it" is ready to ride on out or do some butt stretching (preferably) or normal exercise, then come back to the toilet when ready, because even though straining sometimes works it can be very painful, one time I was straining like hell, and dammit, I was in so much pain while doing so, my eyes started watering, near the corners,and where the iris of the eye is (the definition of "iris" is the colored part of the eye that consists of a muscular diaphragm surrounding the pupil and regulating the light entering the eye by expanding and contracting the pupil,if you didn't know), well anyway, these are some ideas. ( :
I am 14 and it rocks!!! < ;

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Hey there, I have tried everything to stop being constipated but nothing works I've had to have 3 hospital induced enemas and I have taken laxatives multiple times. Nothing works! Lately I've been having more trouble than usual, I can't eat without stomach pains and the poop always gets stuck. I really hope it isn't anything serious. Anyways, I find that getting into the shower and trying to get some water down into your colon helps. Also, milk and molasses makes a great enema! (learned that at the hospital in Portland) One last thing; after straining really hard, blood vessels burst on my face around my eyes and it looks like I have freckles for a few days, has anyone else noticed this?

Eternal Cork's picture
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I've had a tenant since about 8 this morning, so about ten hours, six of which have been spent on the can. It's backed up about fifty miles and the end is coated in glass. Begging, threatening, jackhammers and shoehorns seem ineffective. My sister in law has some milk of magnesia for me to try, and my dad has some sort of stool softening pills, so hopefully those will work. I'm supposed to go somewhere tonight, so I can't take any action until later.

This sucks, I already get debilitating menstrual cramps, I don't need softballs to be dropping from my ass ;_;

ow's picture
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Anonymous Coward 2-02: I get burst blood vessels on my face, neck and back when I vomit, but not when I shit. Once, I barfed so hard I actually BLED FROM MY FACE. I looked like a bloody zombie for two weeks.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Ick. Just... ick. I'm sorry to hear that.

_______
Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Prevention is the best. I recommend a diet high in dried fruit. I find that eating half of a bag every day has helped keep me regularly passing 1+ footers.

Fiber supplements work well also. Be careful with them, however. If you use these, drink lots of fluid. This stuff works is slippery when saturated but turns into concrete when only lightly watered.

Laxatives are good medium term (several hour) alternative. If you aren't so uncomfortable that you can't wait, go with a laxative.

Enemas should be your last resort. While they can provide almost instant relief, there's are very real chance of becoming dependent on them, especially if used frequently.

However, if you aren't crapping because your asshole is clamped shut and won't relax, I would recommend a shot of Botox. Just like wrinkles in the face, this should cause the skin and muscles of your ass allowing the offending turd to pass. Just go to your local hospital's emergency department and ask for the cute little blonde nurse in the white stockings with that oh-so-cute little hat. Tell her that you've been a bad boy and can't poop and that your asshole needs a little tough love...

...Oops. Wrong poop website for that. Sorry.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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my 13-year-old son wont poo for months on end! here are my methods for helping him get it out:

-make sure youre wearing medical gloves. have him lay on back, pulling knees to chest. insert finger lubricated with vaseline. tell him to tighten butthole around finger for practice. moisten a bar of soap until slippery. tell him to push with anal muscles as if pushing out poop. as soon as i see he's pushing, i start forcing the bar of soap into his rectum. he doesnt like the feeling of stretching much, but i make sure he takes it in. once the bar is in, i tell him to hold it for a minute. eventually i make him push it out. this process is very, very difficult for him and he has to pull back hard on his knees to separate his cheeks and bear down extremely hard. he pushes and pushes and when it's out far enough, i help him work it out slowly. when it's fully out, his rectum should naturally push the huge poop out too. if it doesnt, repeat the process until successful. i also use this method when he's not constipated, to help him work his pooping methods. its very difficult for him and he doesnt enjoy it, but i make him anyway so he wont become impacted.

-get him onto back in knees-to-chest position. heavily lubricate anus and insert a finger as far as possible. he really hates the feeling of things being inserted into his rectum, so he quickly responds to this. make him force the finger out. repeat with two fingers, then three. by then hes very uncomfortable and i make him push and push until the poo is partly out. by then hes usually in a lot of discomfort. now i usually massage his abdomen and squeeze around his rectum as he pushes hard. once it's out, i immediately lube his anus and insert a finger and make him force it out. this ensures there is no poop left in him.

-manually disimpact him with an enema nozzle. get him into a position where his cheeks are spred and heavily lubricate him and insert a long enema nozzle. work it into him and try and work the poop out. this is an especially uncomfortable method for him that i only use when he is extremely constipated.

when i was a kid, my mother did everything rectally. when sick, she'd cram a thermometer into my rectum. when constipated, she often bent me over and crammed ginger root or suppositories into me and made me push them out. when i didnt drink my milk, she'd threaten to give it to me in an enema. my son is older now, and at thirteen i cant really do things for him rectally and have him comply. he became severely constipated and would not allow me to insert anything into his rectum. i was forced to take him to the doctor, where the doctor gave him a huge enema. he hated it and freaked out when the nurse took his temperature rectally.

inserting a bar of soap works really well. he pushes the soap out and the poop just keeps coming and coming.
enemas are very effective, too.
-heavily lubricate anus
-insert nozzle into rectum.
-allow a few quarts of water into rectum.
-insert butt plug and hold for 30 minutes to an hour. if you don't have a butt plug, leave nozzle in rectum.
-go to bathroom and expel enema. the longer you leave the plug in, the faster the expulsion goes. you may experience pain or discomfort, but once you begin expelling the enema, there is no way to stop it. everything will keep coming and coming and i suggest you just shut your eyes and work through the discomfort. afterwards, you may want to insert a bar of soap as earlier mentioned and push it out as hard as you can. this will be very difficult, but is good practice.

Joo-Joo's picture
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Guys, i tried all what you said. It causes bleeding. How to prevent anus from bleeding?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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My 14 month old son just had a good size piece of poo stuck in his butthole. I knew what to do cause I've had the problem myself once before. I put him in a warm bath and used a finger (trim those nails!) to break some off until it came out on its own. The poor kid was crying and screaming the whole time. Afterwards, I made him a bottle and he is now in a deep sleep. I wondered if I had hurt him by using the "finger method" and decided to Google for advice. Whatta ya know? Brought me right to PoopReport.com. Just thought I'd share.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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By the way...

Anon Cow, from 05/26/07?

Most people know that I don't throw certain words around flippantly, so I sincerely mean what I say when I tell you:

You are a sick fuck. Seriously. Get some help.

jennypoo's picture
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Anonymous Coward from 5/26/07, your son is not the one with the problem, you are!! The things you are doing to your son (at 13 yet) are not only sick, but are considered child abuse! Your mother also seems to have some kind of anal fixation. Your son needs psychological, medical, and nutritional attention to help him relax and go naturally. Withholding bowel movements in teens is called "packing", and it is usually a sign that the teen has no feeling of control in his life, except what they can do to their own bodies. The anus can only take so much stretching. Eventually his anus will be so stretched out, he will no longer be able to hold the feces IN, then surgery is necessary to fix what you have wrought. You and your son need help, get it before it's too late.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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I vote for an enema. If it's just a small turd, and it's just inside your hole, a small bottled enema should do the trick. I sometimes keep one of these on hand just in case something like this happens.

Patty POOPOO's picture
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I stop pushing and pretend it never happened..
and then i try it over again.
5 or 6 times and your golden.
IF IT DOESNT WORK;
sue me.

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points
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Jennypoo, I just read your post, and then the one from Anonymous Coward. You're right--she is one sick chick. I feel sorry for that kid.
Also, ironically, I have not had this problem this bad in probably years, but I had a turd stuck just inside the chute yesterday, that I knew just could not get out. I took a mild laxative, waited about 6-7 hours, and still nothing. So I ended up using two of those bottled enemas and my turd was a goner in about 5 minutes. I really recommend them for this problem. However, you must follow the directions on the side of the carton for decent results.

Lucy Liu's picture
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Hi Poppers,
I will tell you my secret that works every time. I have a medical condition, and I know. Tried everything, until one day I used my finger. No wonder gays have surprises sometimes. Much safer/better with a thin latex glove (Vinil also may be fine, but there is a lot of friction there) (these are available in supermarkets in packs of 20). Pretend you are gay and slowly insert your longest left finger (abundant saliva for lubricant, please). Do not rush. Touch and press to expand your inner anus. You will release gas first. If you can touch with your fingertip the offending body, you are almost there. Push it gently, rotate it massage the inner anus. More gas, may be released. It will come out in one minute or less.
Good diet and no stress will help, but are no solution.

Timbo's picture
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Find a tangerine tree, sit down under it and eat till you can't eat no more !! proven by a 9 year old cousin many moons ago. hope everything comes out all right !!!

Duncan Smith's picture
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Best thing - to have a cigarrette. Slowly diffuses violent gases and within seconds your darkie has been strangled! What a result!!!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Drink two bottles of pure spring water from Rio de Caca near Tijuana. Within hours, you'll be painting the bathroom brown
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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I'm amazed and amused at the number of people who made the "Constipated Mathematicians work it out with a pencil" joke.
Maybe scared...

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Anonymous Coward on 5/26/07, I am seriously hoping that your post is just fiction. If it is, then "Bravo!" to you because I was truly weirded out having read it.

If it is not fiction, then there is something seriously wrong and you need to get immediate professional help for you and your child.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Poop stuck girl's picture
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Omg!!!!!!!!! I am laughing so hard at some of the responses. I had a stuck poop today. It has never happened to me but there it was a big stuck poop in my rectum. Half in half out. It felt worse than childbirth. I thought it was the size of a canteloupe. I pushed and I pushed to no avail. At last I had no choice other than digitally extracting it. EWWWW
Anyway finally I got it out....it plugged the toilet and I ended up with a really sore ass. And Hemmroids!!!
Just a comment to Anonymous Coward from 5/26/07,That's just weird!!!!! 13 year old son would actually let you do that regularly???? Get some help!!!!

Glad to know I'm not alone in my bathroom with my stuck poo. Next time if it happens (hopefully it won't) I will think of all of you and be comforted to know I am not alone.

Toilet Expert's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Sometimes, I lay on the bathroom floor, with my but held high in the air. After holding this position for a minute or so, I can go. Don't know why it works, but you will begin to fart alot while in this position. Of course, my #1 laxative is reading a few good poop stories on poop report.

Crappy Pothead's picture
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Got one stuck for the 1st time a few minutes ago. Tried rocking back and forth. That usually works, but not today. Tried squeezing really hard. 15 minutes of that, and I was getting light headed. Tried grabbing it with TP, but there wasn't enough to grab. So, I did the next thing that came to mind. Digital extraction. It worked, but now my finger stinks. So, my question would be, how does one extract crap stink from one's finger? Washing a half dozen times didn't work. Soaking it in Lysterine didn't work. I'm at a loss.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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You know, since I cook alot and get cut every once in awhile, I bought this little finger rubbers at Safeway. They are plastic, rolled up mini condoms that you put over your finger and band aid to keep it dry.

My son took one to school and gave it to a friend, telling him he finally found a condom for his teeny peeny. Kid are funny.

Anyhoo, buy some of these and keep them around. Not only will you be happy the next time you cut your finger and don't want the band aid to get dirty, but if you ever have to do this again, you'll be prepared.

As to the smell, try Simply Solution, an enzymatic liquid you can buy at Petsmart or the like. It mixes with water and dissolves cat or dog pee. It will be great in which to soak your finger.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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Another way of getting out stuck shit is to simply eat at Mc Donalds. After eating that slop, your guts will be slick as cat piss on a lenolium floor.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Raggedmama's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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You've all been so harsh towards the 05/26 anonymous poster - I guess none of you have really suffered from recurrent constipation and/or had children who suffered from it?
My mum also did everything rectally and for better or worse I learned the superior effectiveness of "from below" constipation treatments at an early age. You shouldn't dismiss them out of hand.
I think she confused you with the word "bar of soap" - you try inserting a large bar of soap up your arse, it will bleed when you push it out. She was almost certainly using in each case a fairly small piece of soap which, inserted as a suppository with plenty of lube, is very effective - I've taken, and given, many. During the past year my daughter (about to turn 4!) began to suffer badly from constipation and I had to give a few soap sticks. I'd used the digital/thermometer stimulation tricks on her when she was a baby (they become less effective as you get older). I can assure you every time I gave one of the rectal treatments it made her do a big dooey in no time, without any anal damage.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I'm not buying it. Shoving a bar -- or even a pellet -- of soap up your child's ass is wrong in my book. You should ask your doctor before doing this. If your doctor agrees with it, you should consider getting a second opinion.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Secret Platinum's picture
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If you are going to use either your finger or any other object, use bacitracin or neosporin on the projectile. That way, is there is an accidental tear of the skin, the chance of infection is reduced. Also, when finished, clean the area and put bacitracin or neosporin on the area. Again this will reduce the size of hemorrhoids and possible infection. This small step can make a huge difference in the outcome.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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When I'm sitting on the pot I'll lift my feet off the ground and keep them off the ground till i start pooping. Works well.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I use the 3000 lb Warn winch on the front of my truck, with a large treble hook at the end of the cable...jam that fucker up my bung port as far as she goes, and hit the button....works great on tape worms too.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Bilgey, I thought you'd remove the protective booties from your cat 'Poopsie' and shove it in! Those claws would shred the turd and make it easy to push out.
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I rarely have constipation issues, though after surgery (and a few other times) I certainly did. It brought to mind an old outhouse rhyme:

Here I sit
All broken hearted:
Came to shit
But only farted.

I cannot wait,
I cannot linger:
Look out, ass hole,
Here comes my finger!

I think I recounted elsewhere the time I had to take out my poop with a (gloved) finger after 4 days with no poop: no fun, but eventually effective. One thing I have tried is to lubricate a finger with salve or soap, stick it up (an inch, maybe) until I meet the reluctant turd, and slowly push. The push expels the finger and the turd come out right after. Admittedly, I don't have the stubborn problems some other posters have.

poopcrayon's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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smooth move tea is the best. it takes as long as laxatives, but it's natural. just make sure you don't have to go on a long drive when it finally decides to come out. (i've been stuck on the freeway with the next exit being 6 miles away when the urgency comes and there is no place to go)


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

Poup de Ville's picture
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Stressing myself into the shits usually works. I think about when we were little on long trips in the station wagon and my Dad would yell, "You better hold it!!" usually gets the ol' sphincter movin'. But that is no longer my problem. My problem is that the last bit comes out in long, thin ropes. And I feel like it's not all out. I want a good poop that doesn't make me wipe 'til Kingdom Come.

I'm going to eat more apples and carrots and oatmeal and whole grains and dried prunes and things that will make the poop come out, all in one piece, and I'll try Smooth Move tea, or just drinking a whole lot more in general... I think that putting things up the poop shoot are not a solution for me, be it a reluctant or eager finger, a piece of soap, hot sauce, a suppository, ginger root, WD-40, cats' claws, or a Fleet nozzle. Crappy food intake no longer suffices, it only makes my tummy worse: Taco Bell, McDonald's, or White Castle (tho' I grew up on those damn tasty sliders).

I gotta let nature nurture my bowels. Thanks for all your hilarious sharings, and for letting me share my sense of non-completed poop.

Crapless's picture
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Ohh God,

I feel, and look, like im pregnant! For about five days now i have been waiting for this monster to burst out of hiding but it just continues to lay dormant in my abdomen.

I dont know what to do, i have tried the kneeling position thing, only to fart. I have drank so much dirty instant coffee that my teeth are now brown and make people mistake me for an Englishman. The digital extraction method doesnt work cause i cant even get a digit close to a shit. Apart from a few insignificant little deposits, EVERYTHING i have eaten for the past few days is sitting inside me and wont get the hell out. It just wont get the hint.. Singing to it did nothing!

Im too embarrassed and poor to go buy an enema kit and all the jumping did was make me feel ill. Although doing jumping jacks in front of the mirror with my pants around my ankles was pretty entertaining.

I have never had problems before, my usual routine is 2 times a day and this is pissing me off. I enjoy taking a nice dump. Why me?? My dad usually goes 5 times a day, which is a laughing point with the family. He hasn't done a solid shit in about 3 years.

Im going to get horribly drunk right now. If in the morning i dont have the usual Groggy Bog that slides right out with a venomous stench, i swear to God im going to eat some raw chicken just to make friends with some e.coli.

If you dont hear from me again i probably died of consitpation, my roommate will find me keeled over on the can.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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hmmm....don't suppose you've tried a good ol' laxative? some Ex-Lax, perhaps?
_______
i love poop.

i love poop.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Crapless, I spoke with my uncle Sal Minella
and he said the raw chicken should work.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I hope that you successfully launched the torpedo(es)
Eat plenty of vegetables and fruit approx 10 servings total.
those giant red apples are the bomb!

catinthescat's picture
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Did you hear about the constipated mathmetician?

He used a pencil to get it out.

After you've cleared the boulder from the cave with the pencil(eraser end) drink Miralax everyday. For the chronically severe constipation, and nothing works go to the gastroent. If your colon is tortuous and redundant and really too long and stretched out from holding it in for too many years you will need 2-4 doses of Miralax everyday. You can take a dose every 2 hrs for those occasional rugby footballs. If miralax works and you have insurance get a script for generic because it is kind of pricey. If it doesn't work all that is left is a total radical colectomy. Butt seriously, get checked out if you have severe constipation for weeks and months and years. My greatest fear is dying like the sister in the movie" Like Water for Chocolate". She died from bowel problems that caused the stinkiest gas. It's a great movie, one of my faves.
And hey you that anon cow that sodomizes his son with soap, soap is ass-ociated with colon cancer...and it BURNS! Your mother sodomized you so you are sodomizing your son. You both need to check in to a good inpatient psychiatric facility if you can find one in your country.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Ah, the punchline is "He used a pencil to work it out."


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Raggedmama's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Catinthescat, I don't know where you got the idea soap is associated with colon cancer - maybe some soaps are dangerous (detergent) but plain ivory and glycerin soaps have been used to empty the bowels for centuries!
And lest we forget - constipation is definitely associated with colon cancer.
And don't throw the word "sodomizing" around lightheartedly.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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Hmmm.. frantic sex usually gets my crap flowing

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I don't know, it seems that a large percentage of people who have enema fetishes were rectally overworked by one of their parents or a family member. I think it's unnatural for a mother to be so quick to take this type of action - enemas, rectal thermometers. It should be the last resort, not the first.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

fat bastard's picture
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dude i wnet to hell and back this morning the tourtue humanity the pian that come with shit getting stuck in the chute i push3ed i slammmed my ass repeatdely i grinded i paryed i cursed then 35 mins later a cry of sensation as it came out the chute from hell then 20 miniutes of plunging all ideds above are carp eat bran flakes if you wanna shit normal and healthty