Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Pushing has failed. What do you do?

455 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Getting Out Stuck Shit"

t0x1c B4by Bug's picture

If I have a shit that's being shy, I acctually do put my fingers inside my vagina and push downwards, it works every time.

wide awake's picture

going to try an apple, and the vagina method. and i thought i was the only person in the world with a stuck piece of poo...

pile o'poo's picture

Yeah I do that too when my poop is stuck. I'll stick my thumb up my vagina and ease the lodged turd on down by way of pressing along the back of my vaginal wall (if it's really old and hard you will Definetely feel it). A couple jumping jacks for turds who are just a little bit stubborn works in (for) a pinch. Or try putting a little soap on your finger and just wiggle it around - sometimes I get this sticky ass glue substance around my opening and it's understandable how nothing could come out of there!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Sometimes I'll grab the end of the shit with a big wad of toilet paper and yank it to one side. It rips the top off the poo and lets the rest of it come out.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopy's picture

If you sing to it, it'll be coaxed to come out. :) Don't shout at it though or it'll never budge!

Poopy's picture

I heard of a man once who didn't go for TWO WEEKS and had to go to Hospital..! Ouch. I bet that awful Hospital food got the stubborn turd flying out just so the bum could go back home to decent food..!

poop's picture

if u have this carp becuse the shit is in there and when i say inthere i mean up there in your ass u take your hand and stik it up there and pull it out your salf and the put some cream on your but lol '

Phart's picture

I used a combination of methods. I pull my cheeks outwards, exposing the anal fissure, then slam my ass on the toilet repeatedly. I did break the seat one time. This also gets those really obnoxious clingers that get past the chompers, but dangle on the fur. That way, you don't use a flying-fuck-load of toilet paper and clog the stupid machine. Don't forget: the point is to use nature's law whereby bodies in motion tend to stay in motion to your benefit.

rickdawg's picture

if you cant poop eat a sack of sliders at white castlse's or eat a bunch of tacos from taco bell
first you'll fart the you'll shit

rickdawg's picture

if you'll cant shit you must aquit.

Offal Rocket's picture

I have three good methods for hung-chow:

1) If you have time, take a short nap. I have done this several times, and when I finally awake, where once was naught, now is a U-571.

2) If you are in a huge hurry, hair conditioner is both an excellent lubrication, and usually close-at-hand. Usually leaves a pleasant odor. To apply, twist the toilet paper into a helical obelisk, and drizzle the outside before inserting.

3) Close your eyes and imagine yourself getting up, leaving the bathroom, and engaging in some incredibly important situation which invokes major stress. You may "trick" yourself into the anxiety shits. This one has never worked for me, but I'd like a second opinion.

extreeem's picture

Dispite the several suggestions that this was a bad idea from people who ought to know, i actually had surgury to better elininate fecal matter. I have always had a problem with a lack of elasitcity in my sphincter, so i had it "snipped". Now as soon as i get the pre-urge i make my way to the lavatory, and the feces flows out smoothly and painlessly. I have accidentos once in a while, but i still believe it was well worth it.

Baron von Pooptoven's picture

Best method to getting the stuck poopies out, BAR NONE:

Eat nothing for breakfast, eat nothing for lunch. Eat a really light dinner at 5PM. At 8PM, drink a whole 40oz of malt liqour and wait. If this doesn't fix the problem by the end of the night, you just wait till the next morning... it's gonna be shit-city inside your toilet.

I freakin guarantee it. This has never failed me ONCE.

tronald dump's picture

Baron, you've got it all wrong babe. THe shitting from the Malt Liquor is an illusion. I ought to know. I'm the MAYOR of your so-called "shit city" and my own shit is the sherrif of shit city, and this town ain't big enough for misguided information. Next time you do that thing stick your thumb up your a$$hole and wiggle it around. when you pull it out there will be a layer of crap around your thumb like the coating on a corndog. Don't believe me? come oover and i'll show you the battle scars on my own a$$hole with a penlight!!!!

Dilly's picture

Coffee is great. Real stong instant coffee will clear that shit out real good.

InvisaPoo's picture

a.Wait for it.
b.Poke at your butthole with TP.
c.Push REALLY hard.

Ben's picture

If coffee doesn't work, try Dulcolax suppositories. It works within 30 mins. For even faster action, a fleet enema. You better be next to a toilet. My preference is a suppository.

Dr. Poop's picture

I have recommended the following method to many of my patients.

The method is entitled the Dr. Poop Method.

For this method to work, the patient must assume the position. That is, the patient must crouch down while on top of the toliet seat.

Now while wearing a latex glove, push until the tree log barely is exiting the colon.

Using the hand that is wearing the latex glove, reach down behind and grab a hold of the tree log.

Now pull on the tree log while pushing with your stomach.

Ben's picture

It all sounds like hard work. Just use a suppository!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Or better yet a vacume cleaner!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

enematic's picture

HELLO!! enema! just use this method:

1. prepare an enema [2-3 quarts]
2. insert enema [nozzle should be inserted about 4 in]
3. let enema fill your rectum and intestines
4. insert butt plug. if not available, just insert 3-4 fingers for a half hour.
5. wait 30 mins.
6. go to toilet
7. unplug yourself, and prepare for eruption. a seatbelt for your toilet may help keep you on the pot and not running away. when youre really blocked up, there's no mercy! that blockage will shoot out even if you dont push, and there's no way to hold back. shut your eyes and work through the pain.
8. repeat process to totally clean yourself out.

**tips and warnings-
you will probably feel pain but do not try to stop it.
the longer you hold the plug in, the faster the evacuation goes.
if plug is held in long enough, the eruption will have such force it may splash and/or spray.

enjoy! especially you chronic constipated people out there, the sensation of being empty will be magical.

Poop-Strain's picture

This never fails me. Follow these simple steps and you'll be crapping in 30 minutes or less. No joke!

1. Get some Franks Red Hot hot suace.

2. Drink about half a bottle of the stuff.
3. Wait until you feel a urge in your stomach like you'r gonna explode.

4. Head towards the pot and doo your dooty.

This technique has been proven to work(by me). It will dissolve the stubborn logs and turn it into some serious ass-piss.
It turns your bumm into a furnace and you'll have some seriously loud blowouts, but its worth it. If this does not work for you please e-mail me to complain.

WelshBoy's picture

If I feel pushing is failing I give myself a couple of minutes rest so that my arse has a chance to totally relax and recover. Then I go hell for leather again, repeating the process until I've achieved my goal.

I often combine this with an encouragable rocking motion which turns into a violent shake for the more complicated projects.

lauren greenleaves's picture

when i poo it normally squirts everywhere and is really messy at the moment and so the solution is to put on bag down the toilet before u poo this way there is no mess when u remaove the bag. Make sure you remove the bag once a week with rubbber gloves.

wasabi's picture

i would definitely have to second the bit about blowing your nose. it has worked for me ample times. everything just seems to relax down there.

piggyknickers's picture

What a brilliant site. I found it the day after I'd gone through my most difficult and distressing crap EVER, and it was so good to know I'm not alone in my struggle.
I had pushed and strained and sweated for over an hour the other night, all to no avail. I could see (in the mirror) this enormous, concrete turd hovering in there, but would the swine come out? No chance. It felt so huge that I couldn't believe it would ever get through my arsehole. I tried rocking back and forth. I squatted in the bath. I did some bending and stretching exercises,but the bastard wouldn't move. I was pouring with sweat, and utterly exhausted from straining, but in the end I had to give up and take the thing to bed with me. It was a damn good job that my husband was away for the night, because my arse was so distended with this damn great turd that there wouldn't have been room in the bed for him as well! I could hardly stand up straight to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom - it was like having a telegraph pole hanging out between my legs. It was a bit more comfortable laying down, and I eventually got off to sleep, but about 4.30 in the morning, I got up for another try. Same routine, rocking, pushing, hanging on to the radiator for dear life, massaging my tummy, digging about at it with a toothbrush handle. Eventually it came out. Must have been the size of a rugby ball. I felt as though my insides had dropped out. My poor arse was sore as hell, but what a beautiful feeling to be "empty" at last.
This only happens every so often, but when it does it's terrifying. I really think I'm going to do some damage one day. I eat All Bran every morning, eat loads of fruit (must admit I'm not keen on veg.)and drink plenty of water, so I don't really know what else I can do. I don't like taking laxatives, but have to occasionally.
I haven't tried the finger/thumb up the vagina method yet, but I think I will next time. It's going to be a messy business, but I have to try everything. Thanks everyone for all your useful advice. It's an amazing site, and I never realised there were so many other strugglers like me out there.

Full of cr**'s picture

Wow... it's after 2am and I'm still up... IT IS TOTALLY STUCK! The only way I get relief is to do the dig with the ol' finger. And there's STILL plenty in there. Got online to search for feces stuck in rectum and up came Poopreport. Have visited your site before and had forgotten how helpful it is! And how Funny! Thanks all for your comments and for a great read! I took some milk of mag...... will let y'all know how it all comes out. :)

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I forgot about something I did when I had a trampoline.

I would jump in a postition that was halfway between standing and squatting. The G-forces would move the log into turtlehead position, and give me a 5-minute window of time to get to the throne without crapping my pants.

Once it was over, one single log would come out, and I'd feel like I emptied my bowels the way an SBD empties an elevator.

Shitty Day's picture

It Just Aint Comin Out Man

JamieTeal's picture
l 100+ points

Wow. I will definitely try the vagina technique next time. I've often wished I had telekinesis and could just push the turd out from the top. Maybe this will do the trick.

If you don't have latex gloves handy, a lubricated condom on a finger will also help protect you from the stink-finger associated with manual disimpaction.

Anonymous Coward's picture

you should eat more vegetables........

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The vagina technique is as sick now as it was then. Wiggle your ass a little and yank on the shit with a ball of toilet paper. It works best. For ideas check out "The Hunt for the Brown October".

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Stand up, and do a few sets of tall, reaching stretches. If that doesn't work, go away and try again later after a cup of hot coffee.

I CAN'T go to work today. The voices said to stay home and clean the guns!

Nudebie's picture

Ask Elvis.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Elvis died on the toilet, didn't he?

I usullay jump up and down a few times and push ahrd. If that doesn't work, I take a shower.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Need Laxatives's picture

Well i've had a cronic problem for the last 2 years--litterally and to keep it short--i can't poop.
In my pooping ventures i have used many a method to do this seemingly normal function.Started with Ex-lax 2 or three little chocolate pieces but it takes too long 6 hours or more sometimes.Cheap biscodyl tabs ,they work too,again 6 hours or more unless you drink RE-percolated coffee,the kind you have re-dumpded back in the percolator after it has allready been percolated--super duper coffee time to blast off 3 hours or so using
Milk of magnesia works too about one capfull.this works in about 40 mins.

Last if not least if your REALLY REALLY DESPARATE I MEAN DESPARATE TO POOP go for some Magnesium citrate-available at your local supermarket drug isle or pharmacy.
you can drink it but it tastes bad--like drinking seltzer water with heavy sodium in it---in about 20 mins or so your gut will sound like world war 3 litterally----then don't leave the house and stay near the toilet--you will be visiting it over and over for a while.
I'm writing this in hope that i can help some one else out there.
I think i may have some medical condition i'm unaware of cause it's just getting worse,my DOCTOR want to do some tests on me but well,the camera up the butt thing does not go down with me too well right now.
Take care all,and good luck.

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Need laxatives:

The quickest relief is with a Fleet enema. Be near a toilet as it works within five minutes. Your second choice woould be Ducolax suppositores(glycerin ones probably won't work in your case). I promise you will be bursting in 30 minutes.

In the long run, try all-bran for breakfast, more friuts and vegetables in general, leaa pasta and meat.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have had the shits for along time now my arse is red raw, what can i do to get rid of it.

SherCat's picture

RAW B-HOLE: Put a couple of drops of the clear, liquid Benadrill (sp?) on toiletpaper or tip of glove finger and rub it on the hole. Takes the pain right away.

NoShit's picture

Take a small piece of toilet paper and use it to gently massage the area around your butthole. It activates some kind of glands under the skin or something, and will sometimes stimulate your colon to do the old heave-ho. At least this works for me.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Use the long division method - you know - work it out with a pencil.

Sticky's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If it seems to be stuck, and you can't push out, pull in. This gives you more to push out on the 2nd attempt. It's like getting a new ball to fire in a game of pinball. However pulling in isn't as easy as it sounds, and you have to engage muscle groups you never even knew you had. You can liken it to taking in a sharp breathe of air through your anus. You don't want the air going all the way through you though and coming out the other end - you have to create a vacuum. I do this by tensing the muscles in my throat, almost as if you were blowing your nose or sneezing. It's hard to explain - you have to try it to understand. Works for me every time.

Crappylious's picture


my crap has been getting stuck for the past few days. it makes me not want to crap actally because i'm scared it will get stuck. i'm going to go to bed right now but in the morning i'm gonna try the holding the nose and pushing. i just did it a sec ago to see and i farted so maybe it will work? Hahha i love this site, it's soooo funny!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

GGG - "If that doesn't work, go away and try again later after a cup of hot coffee" Tried it - burned my sphincter.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

*gigglesnort* Ooops! Sorry. I should have been more specific!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Getting out stuck shit. My solution. Two bottles of Magnesium Citrate. You will be clear as a bell in no time, guaranteed. You will however, spend the afternoon on the porcelain pony.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

Eating a lot of fibers, which can be grains, fruits and vegetables that aid digestion and clear out the intestines, believe me, no straining no nothing, it just plops out, well for me anyway, and if that does not work, wait and take your mind off of it until "it" is ready to ride on out or do some butt stretching (preferably) or normal exercise, then come back to the toilet when ready, because even though straining sometimes works it can be very painful, one time I was straining like hell, and dammit, I was in so much pain while doing so, my eyes started watering, near the corners,and where the iris of the eye is (the definition of "iris" is the colored part of the eye that consists of a muscular diaphragm surrounding the pupil and regulating the light entering the eye by expanding and contracting the pupil,if you didn't know), well anyway, these are some ideas. ( :
I am 14 and it rocks!!! < ;

Anonymous Coward's picture

Hey there, I have tried everything to stop being constipated but nothing works I've had to have 3 hospital induced enemas and I have taken laxatives multiple times. Nothing works! Lately I've been having more trouble than usual, I can't eat without stomach pains and the poop always gets stuck. I really hope it isn't anything serious. Anyways, I find that getting into the shower and trying to get some water down into your colon helps. Also, milk and molasses makes a great enema! (learned that at the hospital in Portland) One last thing; after straining really hard, blood vessels burst on my face around my eyes and it looks like I have freckles for a few days, has anyone else noticed this?

Eternal Cork's picture

I've had a tenant since about 8 this morning, so about ten hours, six of which have been spent on the can. It's backed up about fifty miles and the end is coated in glass. Begging, threatening, jackhammers and shoehorns seem ineffective. My sister in law has some milk of magnesia for me to try, and my dad has some sort of stool softening pills, so hopefully those will work. I'm supposed to go somewhere tonight, so I can't take any action until later.

This sucks, I already get debilitating menstrual cramps, I don't need softballs to be dropping from my ass ;_;

ow's picture

Anonymous Coward 2-02: I get burst blood vessels on my face, neck and back when I vomit, but not when I shit. Once, I barfed so hard I actually BLED FROM MY FACE. I looked like a bloody zombie for two weeks.

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