Dear Miss Mannerisms,

I have this terrible privacy problem at home. I'm the mother of four boys ranging in age from five to fourteen, but my husband and I could only afford a one-bathroom house. As a result, I just never have any time alone to do #2 without at least one pair of prying eyes around. What's the solution, short of driving to the nearest service station?

Mrs. On Display

Dear Mrs. On Display,

Never fear, m'lady! Miss Mannerisms has the solution well at hand. She is certain that you now surely must realize, as she always has, that gentleladies simply do not have to perform "#2" under any circumstances whatsoever. Miss Mannerisms knows quite well that she has never even contemplated doing such a thing throughout her lifetime, and so you have nothing further to worry about. So let the men have the bathroom all to themselves, and they won't bother you in your kitchen.

(As a postscript, Miss Mannerisms would also like to assure you that gentleladies neither create nor have to pass unwholesome air from their delicately-fashioned bodies, as it were.)

Miss Mannerisms

Dear Miss Mannerisms,

So you're actually telling us that chicks don't have to poop or fart? Sounds majorly bogus to me. I also heard that they definitely pee. Chew on that.

Some Teenage Boy

Dear Some Teenage,

First, Miss Mannerisms is perfectly horrified that you have doubted her word and also used such vulgar language in her long-distance presence. Secondly, she wishes to inform you that gentleladies definitely do not 'make water,' as you so rudely suggest. That is simply a myth. Everything is simply smooth-over down there. The truth is that gentleladies are placed carefully on pedestals where they are to be worshipped and taken care of constantly. You are, indeed, a very naughty teenage boy to have contacted Miss Mannerisms with erroneous and upsetting rumors like this, and she was nearly overcome with the vapors as a result.

Miss Mannerisms

Dear Miss Mannerisms,

I am appalled at your insinuation that 'ladies' are to be worshipped and taken care of. I am a real, feminist woman, and for your information, I do gigantic logs all the time. I eat tons of real food to produce them -- and not those sissified tea cakes and dainty watercress sandwiches that you would approve of and give out fussy recipes for in your lame column. I have a professional career. No one takes care of me, and I am proud to sit on the pot. Now, what do you think of that?

Doo-Doo Becomes Her

Dear (Deleted-Deleted) Becomes Her,

What an outre handle you have chosen for yourself! Miss Mannerisms chooses not to repeat it in polite company, of course. But she is hardly fooled by your coarse, lumberjack banter. She knows very well that you are that same vulgar teenage boy that badgered her previously about the non-existent bodily affairs of gentleladies. She still knows, therefore, that such ladies have no need of ever sitting on toilets, or even of eating tons of food, for that matter. Bird-like bites of this and that are all that is necessary, and even that should never be done in public.

Nonetheless, she has some practical advice in this matter. She realizes that the maids of gentleladies must sometimes clean toilets that the men in the household have soiled and defiled with their needs. For this purpose, Miss Mannerisms recommends Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner.

Miss Mannerisms

Dear Miss Mannerisms,

Okay, here's one I bet you can't answer. If chicks don't poop, fart or pee, then why are there women's public bathrooms all over the place? Hah! Got you now!

That Same Teenage Boy

Dear That Same,

You are trying the patience of Miss Mannerisms. But she will persevere, patron saint of politeness that she is. She will gladly point out to you that these 'conveniences' for gentleladies are merely lounges especially set aside which afford them a comfortable environment in which to freshen their makeup, spritz their fragrances, and tame stray wisps of their coiffures so that they may remain stunning throughout the day. She further states that these lounges must be provided so that these same ladies have ample opportunity to discuss amongst themselves and possibly make long-term decisions about the men wining and dining them who are waiting outside -- not to mention buying things like jewelry and clothes for them -- at the moment.

Miss Mannerisms is certain that you believe her when she says that no men have ever been allowed in gentleladies' powder rooms to verify any of this, but she can assure you that this is what goes on in there, rather than anything remotely connected to physiology. (Unless it is a discussion of what rouge best brings out bone structure.)

Miss Mannerisms

Dear Miss Mannerisms,

You are so out of touch with that high-falutin' schtick of yours. You are probably a chauvinist pig-man in disguise. You totally forgot to mention that even if 'gentleladies' don't use their facilities for pooping, farting and peeing, they still have to use them to -- ahem -- change their 'napkins.' What about that?

Ms. PMS

Dear Ms. PMS,

Miss Mannerisms is completely in favor of gentleladies changing their napkins. She has never given a dinner party using dirty linens. She advises that gentleladies must always be charming and witty hostesses and should have their maids thoroughly launder their napkins after each use. She recommends soaking in cold water, then a tumble in All Temperature Cheer, then finally a smidgen of starch. Oh, yes, and fabric softener somewhere in the lineup.

Miss Mannerisms

Dear Miss Mannerisms,

GROSS!!!!!

Ms. PMS

Dear Ms. PMS,

Miss Mannerisms reminds one and all that a lady's maid's work is never done.

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Send only your appropriate questions to: Miss Mannerisms, P. O. Box 1234, Idolizement, NY 111215. Do not dare use vulgar language with her or quote articles from the encyclopedia about alleged scientific data regarding the human body. She will merely tear up the letter and go have a cup of tea, along with a plate of some nice buttered scones. Thank you all very much.