As you may know, I'm staying staying this week in an apartment in Paris. Disappointment #1 of the holiday season: they don't have a bidet.
NO BIDET!!! That just won't do !!!!
I wish everyone a happy and safe Christmas and New Years.
This is the first Christmas that I am not celebrating. I lost both my father and stepmother in August, and I just don't have the heart to celebrate.
I am looking forward to ringing out this terrible year, in a big way. _______ "-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"
How is doniker doing?
I'm a tired, bloated, drunken, constipated slob.
I have really laid off the heavy food and booze consumption this year and I am not used to over indulging. But over the last 4 days it has been one holiday party after another and I still have a big Xmas dinner at my mother's house to get though today. Not to mention a refrigerator and kitchen full of leftovers from said parties.
I need to go drink some more water....
I had a great Christmas. Lots of good stuff, food, dogs and friends. I got one present I could do without, orders to Iraq for a year. Oh well. That's the breaks in this business. I'm leaving Jan 29. Merry Christmas, fellow reporters.
Mine has been great. Ive had a shitload of snow here. Only part that is shitty about mine is the fact that I had to shovel a shitload of snow, fuckin pain in the ass. Other than that, it was fine, and no intestinal episodes for me!!
_______(insert ziggy boogy doog here)
Nashville is its typical, dreary, rainy winter. It is too warm for snow. Christmas went better than expected. A close family member committed suicide two months ago. The sting did not affect our family as much as it did at Thanksgiving. Food, family, Mass were wonderful. Travel was local. Later this week is the Music City Bowl. I have a ticket and look forward to the game. Likewise you, my good friends at PR, have a perpetual invitation to Nashville.
We got two feet of snow this week, so it was another white holiday. Got to get out snowshoeing and cross country skiing, then today a friend and I went sledding. I don't think I broke my tailbone, but it's pretty darn sore. Wiped out a couple kids who got in the way of our toboggan, and we all laughed about it when we realized they weren't hurt. What adorable expressions on their faces as they realized it was us screaming "look out!"... I thought children had quicker reflexes than that.... I'm sure there will be a ton of stories this coming week about the aftermath fo the overeating people committed. I didn't eat much more than normal, but I had some spectacular production a couple hours after hitting Qdoba Grill for a shredde beef burrito the other night. Damn, that stuff is tasty, even if you only rent it for about the same amount of time you get to keep a beer! I did get to take a dump out in the woods while snowshoeing the other day. Remind me to tell you about last year when I dropped a major steamer in the snow near an old miner's cabin and had to haul ass when another snowshoer showed up out of nowhere and discovered the pile simmering in a snowbank... you try running through thigh-deep snow when your guilt tells you that you don't want to be caught by the person who found your loaf in the otherwise pristine semi-wilderness. There is nowhere to hide when you leave shoeprints a foot deep. End of holiday report. I sure hope you all were safe and healthy over the past three days. CEP, if you cycle through the Azores say hi to my ex-wife. I wish you a harm free tour over in Iraq, and I hope you come home safe and sound. It would be great if you could post while you're over there. Let me know if any of the contractors are looking for someone with an accounting background who's willing to work in Iraq. I tried contacting Halliburton last year but they never responded. I'm too old for the military, but I'd be happy to go. I just realized I haven't crapped since the Qdoba monster on Friday night.... maybe I should take the turkey out of the fridge and let it come up to room temperature before eating it.... _______Livin' La Vida Caca!
It was so cold here, but we didn't get any snow. I saw that Will Smith movie "The Pursuit of Happyness" today. It was okay, but far too long and repetitive. It's one of those movies that makes you feel guilty about having what you have in life. After the movie, I went to a relative's house and they had about seven kids under the age of six there. People wonder why I say I never want to have kids (or get married for that matter)... Overall, it was a good Christmas. I can't wait for that infamous "after-Christmas dinner" dump... _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
I watched The Christmas Story several times. I also had to work but I went to my sisters for dinner. Tonites dump was very disappointing but the EAGLES WON so I was happy about that. I think tomorrows dump will be far better and smellier._______The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!
So, that movie is already showing in Transylvania? Now, that's progress, because they used to have to wait forever for films to get to the Vlad Cineplex.
It's been an ok Christmas this year. Got a new widescreen monitor for my computer, plus a new video card, so my computer is pimped out. Sucks though because I got no snow. It even rained. Geez. _______Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)
God speed CEP.Come back to us safe.Thank you for your service.I hope to start a new job in customer service for a mutual funds company.I hope I have some poop stories if they have strict bathroom rules.
My Christmas was wonderful this year. I have an insanely soft new robe and plenty of great smelling body wash, lotion and perfume, so I am soft, warm and very aromatic right now.
That was not the case Friday night after I had a burito supreme, fiesta potatoes and 2 empenadas from Taco Bell. I was in and out of the bathroom until the wee hours of Saturday. I didn't eat again until late Saturday evening. Another not-so-bright choice...curry chicken salad from Kroger's deli. That stuff caused my midsection to emit more heat than a pot-bellied stove and apparently incinerated any leftovers from Taco Bell, so I got to start Sunday off with a totally empty system.
I was slightly worried at my mom's side of the family's dinner, which is the granny that makes the sage dressing, but I suffered no ill effects.
We had dinner at my other grandmother's house Sunday evening. She has read all of my stories, so the first thing she asked me when we arrived was if I had eaten Grandma's dressing and if I needed to sit at the end of the table with a clear pathway to the bathroom. I assured her that I was fine even though I had indeed consumed a considerable amount of it.
The difference in the two sides of my family was probably something of a culture shock for Load. Its kinda like going from the country side to the country club. I have the hicks on my mom's side, and the snooties on my dad's. The difference is very noticable in the dishes served at each one as well. Things such as scalloped oysters, stuffed manicotti and candied cinnamon apples were available at the second one, where there was sage dressing, corn pudding and cabbage at the first one. But I still managed to make it through both meals without any intestinal malfunctions.
I have been sitting here typing this while listening to music with my new headphones that Load got me. I am a major audiophile. He also gave me a new digital camera.
I definately had a great Christmas this year. I hope that all of you have as well, and wish you all a happy new year. _______Always looking out for number two!
Healthy 1 - Sorry to hear of your losses. Had a great Christmas, hoping everyone else did as well. CEP - take care of business in Iraq and get back here safely. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.
All weekend long, a local auto dealership, Brown's Honda, was running a TV ad: Have a Brown Christmas. Mrs. DP couldn't understand why I was laughing so hard at the TV.
During our last minute shopping, the Mrs. also wanted to invest in some Cottonelle. I warned her about the possibility of Ass Stucco from this cheap paper. When asked how I knew, I told her that I had read it in Consumer Reports.
Good Luck in Iraq, CEP.
I'm more of a reader here than a commenter, but Healthy 1 I have to say I'm sorry you're not enjoying your holiday. I hope time allows you to be joyous for next Christmas and every day before and after it.
Best of luck and brightest days to you. Blessed be.
[God, I sound like an old woman...]
Thanks Moly. I can say that I am going to take GREAT pleasure in ringing out this year.
I am going to have the party of all parties on New Year's Eve. Who knows, this party just might result in a poop story.
Lots of booze + lots of food + lots of people = guaranteed poop story. _______ "-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"
CEP -- what are you doing in Iraq? From what I believe I know about you, you're probably too old for combat, right?
Count Impactula (not verified) -- 12.25.2006
Yes, it is. Quit with the vampire stereotypes; we get that all the time and we hate them to no end. _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
Christmas was great. Got some new winter camping gear and went for a bike ride at 3am in 6" of fresh powder. Didn't get to see my family, but I met a new love interest (possibly) so that sort of makes up for it. The big excitement is that I'm driving to Pheonix to see my team in the Fiesta Bowl for the first time ever. GO BRONCOS!! _______Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.
_______teddy Healthy1 i am very sorry thats tuff man i hope you heal real nicely as possible my best wishes for you man.And ceveret coop what ever the reason come back alive and with all your limbs i sure hope.And dave is right i though you were forty or over a little what kinda stuff you gonna do over there .I know you volunteered to be sodams hang man .Did they offer you any money or did you volunteer he he.As for my christmas it was the same as usual family came over opened presents and we ate a lot still eating a lot .A good time i guess.Just wish i could go some where sometimes for a change is all.Well hope you all had a nice holiday and a good new year in 2007 teddy
We're refurbishing our kitchen, so that was our Christmas (GottaMan and I). A couple weeks ago, he got a (small) settlement in a class-action suit against a former employer; pay bills? Nah. He brought home (not one, but) TWO big ol'flat screen t.v. sets. Merry Christmas to him, I guess.
But, then, I special ordered a custom apron-front kitchen sink for a ridiculous amount of money, so there you go.
Our Christmas was uneventful (unlike our Thanksgiving!) this year. I drove us (in our new car) to my soon-to-be stepfather's house and got to meet my soon-to-be stepsisters. That was weird. They are less than half my age! Like early teens. It must have been just as weird for them. We ate a nice ham dinner and opened presents by the fireplace. It was all very picture perfect, even if lil' shitwit was busy getting into mischief (as any 2 year old would!).
As for pooping adventures..... I've got a story to submit about the little party we had at work on Friday night and all the food that was consumed.
Sorry to hear that your Paris apartment swap doesn't have a bidet, Dave. Please give CEP a rousing send-off by upperdecking at least one toilet in France, OK? And please return safely from service in Iraq, CEP. We'll miss your coarse comments and brutal honesty while you are away!
_______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
I got laid.
Way to go Dumpster!This web site is about going,but there is nothing wrong with coming.
Congratulations there Dumpster Im proud o ya! Ahhhhhh just took the post Christmas dump lost about five pounds. Those damn Chrismas cookies. Where did that tradition come from? Baking so many cookies and eating them too? Makes no sense. Anyway I got a gift card so I will probably buy a new suit for work._______The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!
Dave, I'll be killing terrorists I hope. I am going to fill a gap in another unit already there. I have to go to re-training in Tex-Ass before I head over since I specialized in killing commies most of my career. I guess you are never too old. I'll keep my eyes open for good stories.
Best of luck C Everett. Have a safe and happy new year. You have the ultimate job, keeping our country safe. Thanks.
Dumpster, I am jealous. My girl friend is one of those who "wants to wait until we walk down the freakin isle". ______ "-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"
Werewolf poopin: You hate vampire humor but call yourself a werewolf? I guess the Romanians have no tradition of werewolve myths, either. One week to the full moon.... I feel the hair in my nether regions already growing.... a couple more burritos and I'll show you what howling is all about!!!! Craciun Fericit, Werewolf Poopin!!!!
Thank you so very much for sharing that, Dumpster. That's exactly what I wanted to hear about *sarcasm*... I look forward to any stories you may come back with, CEP. _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
Hey, Healthy 1, you'll see, it's soooooooooooooooooo worth it, waiting for the wedding night. It's soooooooooooooo much more precious that way. (Ouch! I think I just sharted from stifling my laughter....) No, really, it's the most special gift a woman can give....(There! I did it again.....) About ten years ago I had a girlfriend who "wanted to wait", and I said, "Is there something special about me? I mean, I seem to recall that your last five boyfriends didn't have to wait..." Well, I was finally able to chew solid food again within a week of that evening...small girl, but brother could she pack a right cross. Best of luck, Healthy 1!!!
_______Livin' La Vida Caca!
Teenage Wolfman- I don't hate vampire humour. I just think it's very ignorant of people to make jokes about everyone in Transylvania being a vampire. It's like when people say all Americans are fat and greedy; it's not true and they don't like it. _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
Hey Chuck!
I didn't know there was a fellow PoopReporter within 100 miles of me ... Huh.
_______And it burns, burns, burns - The ring of fire.
healthy1, I seriously sympathize.
My mother died suddenly Nov. 25, so my birthday and Christmas were just completely "down the tubes". Add to that my only child moving out of state, and well...
Being alone on Christmas absolutely sucked.
No holiday meal to produce anything to report here. Sorry.
On the first day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me, a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the second day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the third day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me, four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the eight day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me eight steaming loaves, seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me nine l'il turdlets, eight steaming loaves, seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me ten hours of diarrhea, nine l'il turdlets, eight steaming loaves, seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me eleven blasts of ass-gas, ten hours of diarrhea, nine l'il turdlets, eight steaming loaves, seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my bunghole gave to me twelve white balls of Cottonelle, eleven blasts of ass-gas, ten hours of diarrhea, nine l'il turdlets, eight steaming loaves, seven 'rhoids a-burning, six greasy sharts, five lumpy logs... four Hershey squirts, three small dingleberries, two stinky farts, and a turd the size of a giant redwood tree.
I am so sorry for your loss Fecal Follies. The sudden deaths are the worst. That is what happened to my stepmother.
Even though my dad was sick for many years and his death was anticipated, it was still hard. He died in my arms, and I will live with that image for the rest of my life.
Over Christmas, I prepared some of my papers for the litigation process against the hospital.
I had lots of friends call me on Christmas, and the weather was unseasonably mild for New England, about 50F.
Fecal Follies, I hope that the coming year is much kinder to you, and that the healing process is a smooth one for you. Healing will take a long time, and a void will always be in your heart. But if that void is filled with lessons that your mom taught you, and memories of the good times, the healing process will be much easier to bare. _______ "-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"
Nice song, Anomalous!
_______Holy skid marks Batman!
That was great, Anomalous! I've written many parodies of that song, but none could even compare to that work of musical genius! _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
Anaomalous, that poem has to be one of the seven wonders of Poopreport. I cracked up reading it.
Very insightful, original, and creative work, and very funny. I would not be surprised in the least, if your poem got +2 pts.
_______ "-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"
Healthy 1 and Fecal Follies,
My heart goes out to you both. I lost my brother on 1/4/2004 due to sudden heart issues while he was out of the country. His birthday was also December 24, so it's been no picnic for me, either. However, I can say, now almost 3 years out, that time does soothe the wounds and feelings of utter loss. There is always a void, but the sting does soften and you can find joy in discussing your loved ones again.
My husband sharted in his pants whilst we were leaving a Xmas Eve party. I like to think my brother played a part in that because he enjoyed all things "shit" and had "filled 'em" more than once with careless farting during his life. Jeez, I miss him....
Take care of yourselves--grief is VERY hard work.
Thanks for the good wishes :)
My son had a near-PR moment at Mom's burial ... no bathrooms at/near the cemetary, and he wasn't about to desecrate someone's grave with a steaming pile.
We did a good amount of dirt shoveling to fill in her grave ('cause we wanted to *smile*) and apparently that started something on its way to the exit.
If he hadn't been able to hang on until we got to where the post-funeral dinner was held I'd definitely write it up. As it is there was "merely" some agony while I drove somewhat over the speed limit and a mad dash from the parking lot.
Mom would have grinned, having changed so many of his diapers.
Anomolous Coward scores again.
I think my Christmas at the in-laws produced what may become a poop story.
Bravo AC! You've done it again with your master pooetry skills! Excellent. I'm still wiping soda off the monitor that I shot out my nose while singing along to your parody! Great stuff (the pooetry, not my snarf!)
Wonderful job, shitwit. I only hope you weren't at work at the time... _______...and they all lived crappily ever after!
On a poopier note, the whole famn damily got together and went to the high school band concert just before Christmas. I had put down way too much methane producing, sulfite laden food stuffs, and could feel the pressure building. Fotunately for me, my little nephew (4 yrs old) sat beside me. The kid is a veritable fart factory. Throughout the entire concert he'd giggle and announce sotto voce that he'd just cut the cheese again. My other half was a bit annoyed at him because he reeked. I was not only amused, but a bit jealous. He just sat there farting his brains out while I was dying of a massive buildup of gut gas. Towards the end of the concert, the senior brass ensemble was playing a medley of carols. Whenever they hit high notes, it sounded like a dozen road rage infected motorists laying on their car horns. During on of these, nephew giggled, signaling a release of flatulence. It was now or never - I ripped a fart that under ordinary conditions would have attracted the attention of the whole auditorium. With the blaring of trumpets, trombones, and such it went unheard. It was however smelt. My wife looked at our nephew with a glare, but said nothing. After the concert, the people behind us asked what we fed the kid. My wife was embarrassed, the kid oblivious, and I was relieved.
I had a great Christmas! No television, which meant no stupid replays of "Miracle of 34th Street", "It's A Wonderful Life", or that stupid kid who wants the Red Rider beebee gun. No one once sang Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. We didn't exchange gifts, so we didn't get involved in all the stupid commercialized crap of the season. And we had a huge lamb roast for dinner. This caused some massive dark brown poops, so the season was complete! _______If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?
Holiday season was really tough this year. We didn't celebrate Christmas this year. We are waiting for my brother to come back from Iraq so we can celebrate his birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all at the same time. It's gonna be on hell of a party. Imagine the massive dump that will produce. I'll take plenty of notes.
CEP, come home safe.
Oh yeah, and kick some ass!!
The Tuesday before Xmas, I stepped on one of my cats on the stairs, fell halfway down the staircase and sprained my left shoulder. Fortunately, I had unlimited access to drugs and alcohol. I got loads of gift cards and the FIL coughed up a nice check which will pay for a new laptop for me. On a poopy note, I got Vicodin but still was able to drop the kids at the pool on a daily basis as per my habit.
CEP, try not to get yourself killed, mmkay?
I got some books, a bottle of scotch and some African trible masks. _______ Sir SamDamnit! The Emir of Crapistan Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge
Those African trible masks you mentioned, Sam....hmmm, reminds me of a little problem we had with those tribles on the Enterprise once. Kirk wanted to call it "The Trouble with Tribles".
My favorite Christmas present? When my mother walked in on my husband taking a big Christmas Eve poop! After that, I didn't care what Santa left under our tree, that was the best gift ever!! I only wish I could have seen both of their faces!
I spent time returning an entire case of wine and presents that I asked my mother not to buy me. Now she is telling my husband she doesn't remember being told this. I had a fight with my husband and spent until Nine PM Christmas night in bed and missed my kids opening presents for the first time ever.
This Christmas sucked ass for me. But my kids enjoyed themselves, and really, that's all that matters. I love Thing One and Thing Two, and they got a shitload this year. Good for them.
_______.....hugging bunnies since 1969 www.daphneszoo.com
I'm sorry to hear that, Daphne. Hopefully you had a better New Year and may next year be happier for you. _______If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?
A CASE of wine? Wow.
Hm, now I've forgotten whether it's Daphne or GottaGoGirl that doesn't drink. Both?
Forgive the memory lapse ...
Well, it's not me. (Except now, when I'm feeding little Gordon.) My weakness is rum, though. Never can turn that stuff down... Or tequila. Emmm, tequila. _______If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?
I don't drink, as a general rule, but I have my exceptions. Daphne, I believe, rejected the case of wine on a principle different from temperance.
I hope when you returned that case of wine it was actually the empties being returned for the deposit. I can't imagine any other reason...unless...exchanging for something with a higher proof that mixes well with other things. Daphne, I will pass along this advice imparted to me by a wise uncle years ago: "Join the NRA". No, it's not what you think. It means, "Never Refuse Anything". If anything is given to you, accept it, even if it's cheap, unwanted, whatever. It costs you nothing - not even self-respect - to allow someone to give you something. What appears to be thoughtlessness on someone's part might only be forgetfulness or inattention to your wants and needs. Let others feel good about having been generous. Again, it costs you nothing. Not saying you need to compromise principles, but how many times do we find that we've judged someone harshly and later regret it?
I've never been very wise, but I've been smart enough to understand later that I've been an ass. Live and learn, trite to say. I'm not suggesting that a vegan should chow down on a rib roast to make a mother-in-law feel good; there are limits, after all. But really, don't you ever feel better when you've made someone else happy by saying, "Thank you. That was very kind of you to think of me."? Just a thought. Not a criticism by any means. _______Livin' La Vida Caca!
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