Let’s discuss one of the seven words that you can’t say on TV: shit. That’s right, shit. I don’t know how many of you guys are married, but you know for a fact that a woman’s shit stinks more than a man’s. If any of you have a girlfriend and have not been privy to the excruciating smells of her doodoo, you better prepare yourself. It is a scientific fact that the reason most bathrooms have to be constantly remodeled is because the smell from a woman’s shit will peel the damned paint right off of the walls. And don’t even get me started about wallpaper. The government should find a way to manufacture that smell and use it as a chemical weapon.
I had a supervisor several years ago (I won’t mention his name but his initials were E.P.) that talked to me one night about the stink emanating from the bathroom when his wife would take a dump. I sympathized with him as I know all too well what he was talking about. The way he described it, her bathroom massacre emitted the most horrendous smell that he had ever had the displeasure to come across. He told me that he instructed her to flush the commode as soon as the shit hit the water. Of course, she was concerned about the water bill, but he told her that he paid the water bill and to flush the freaking commode. I never heard anything else from him about this, so I am guessing that either the quick flush worked, or his sense of smell was finally destroyed by the overpowering odor.
Most of us find it hard to think about someone as beautiful as Cindy Crawford sitting on a commode, straining and grunting to beat Hell as she unloads an ungodly turd that has noxious odor wafting throughout the house, killing everything in sight including plants and small children; but it happens folks. It is depressing to think about, I know, but yes; beautiful women are nothing more than walking stink bombs just waiting to go off.
When I was a supervisor at a local company many years ago (S.M.), I found myself holding my breath as I walked by the women’s restroom. I am sure that this added several years to my life. Unfortunately, an incident that happened one night probably shortened the life of my assistant at that time.
My assistant, whose name I won’t mention his name but whose initials are C.L., was given the ungrateful task of driving home a female employee who had - there are not too many ways to say it - shit all over herself. Of course, I was the one who told him to take her home. I sure as hell was not going to get in that truck with her. Sorry C.L., but better you than me.
One of my friends whom I used to work with at Regal Manufacturing told me about a problem he had. He got to where he couldn’t shit, not even a little bitty turd. I mean nothing, for several days even. The dumbass waited a week before he finally went to a doctor about it. Of course, the doctor gave him something that would loosen up the problem. He then delighted in telling me the most bizarre story about a turd that went from all the way into the bottom back of the bowl to all the way up to the front of the lid. He had to break it up and flush the commode several times to get rid of this monster. I’d always told him that he was full of shit.
One of the things to be wary of if you are around a group of people who delight in passing gas is the sound of a wet fart. A wet fart is the closest thing to shitting in your pants that you can do without actually doing the deed. They also stink like hell. And speaking of stinking, if someone lets out an especially stinky fart, you might want to suggest that they go ahead and go the bathroom, as the shit is apparently very close to the exit and you do not wish to partake in the odor anymore.
To wrap it all up, I would like to know just why we can’t say shit on T.V. Hell, it is one of the most important bodily functions that we have. We should be praising our ability to shit at every opportunity. Just think what would happen if all of a sudden we couldn’t shit. Jeez, it’s scary to think about. People would start to blow up and all the methane gas would eventually consume the entire planet. And if by chance they were anywhere near a fan when they blew up, then the shit would hit the fan.
All in all, you should thank the lucky stars that you have an asshole to pass this digested mess. In fact, the next time you go to take a dump, thank your asshole for being there when you need it. It doesn’t matter if you are Bill Gates, Cindy Crawford, or some poor bastard barely getting by; all assholes do the same job. You can be proud of the fact that you have something that even the richest person in the world has. So, the next time someone calls you an asshole, be proud and give him or her a hardy “Thank You!”
