I usually comment on my favorite "#2-liners" as I read them. I then forget them.
Sure, I could go back and scan every story for my favorites but I'm too lazy and frankly that sounds rather boring.

I will just give you 2 sayings that my father used the whole time I was growing up.

"Why are you standing there with that shit eating grin?" and the variation "He was standing there looking like a possum eating shit."

Sorry...thats all I got.

"There's a motor-boat in my pants." From my boy, DungCub, when he was three years old.

"I have to pee pee a snake" (from a 2 year old my wife babysat)

One that comes to mind (and I found again because the whole story was SO funny to me) Boopoo's story that starts out, "It was my big-boned sister's turd, and she who flung it.// In the hands of a novice shit slinger, poop on a stick is not an accurate weapon.

There are so many good ones, I agree with Doniker that it would be impossible to search them all out.

However, I did look that one up and another one that came from a Healthy 1 comment about a gigantic, unflushable-- "The Loch Ness Monsturd" That had me crying. My dog was wondering if I was ok.

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Oh, and a great one from elsewhere that my best friend in high school said of a waitress in a Denny's bathroom: "She was farting songs."

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

One from a job I worked several years back. "I have to give birth to a baby seal".

Another one "His farts could power a nuclear power plant".
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"Thunder in March betokens a fruitfull year" .Or is it "Thunder in March, frost in June"?

when I brought Mr. Shitwit to "meet the parents", my brother was still living with them and he's notorious for his bowl-curlers. One of the first things he heard when entering the house was my mom finding an unflushed brown snake in the toilet and her shouting to my brother: "you get a stick and break that up before you try to flush it!!"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

"He was on that girl like stink on shit!"

"He was leaving a trail a blind man could follow"

"You need a stick-up in your back pocket" - that was my grandmother's favorite thing to say to my brother when he was still in diapers.

"Did you get any on you?"

One of my favorite South Park lines: Mr Mackey farts and the kids all cover their noses as Stan asks: "what did you eat?" Mr Mackey says:"I had a steak wrapped in bacon last night, mkay." I can just imagine the stench!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

doniker, "like a possum eating shit" is totally something my grampa would have said! :P

My first "real" job (after Wendy's) was as a CS Rep for an insurance agency. I was assigned to the accounts of this guy named Tony.

When people were rude to him on the phone, he'd slam down the receiver and bellow, "Oh YEAH?!? Well, you can just dial 1-800-EAT SHIT!!"

Which was pretty funny, since we all had those 3/4 height soft office walls. EVERYONE who was on the phone would cringe, knowing their client had heard that.

That was 20 years ago or more, and I can still remember the sound of that phrase shaking the cubicle walls.

Why can’t Tom Cruise just bronze his kid’s shoes?
Bilgepump (359) -- 09.02.2006

Who's Tom Cruise?

easily my favorite, and yours too, if you really knew who I am...er...or not.

"I had some of the Roquefort but it should have been Beaufort for the wind it produced." (I forget which Poop Report this was from.)

Alright guys, enough is enough! This has to be the most painful report I've read so far. Painfully funny, remembering all these lines. You're making my incisions hurt! :-)

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If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

The 2 that I like are -"I have to send the Cosby Kids to the Huxtable family reunion" and "I have send a couple of Mexican's to sea duty"

This was a radio conversation I overheard at my old job a few months ago.

J: Hey, M, where are you?
M: Um, I'm not really available right now. {With echos, so we all knew he was in the can}
J: I need you out here on the sales floor.
M: I'm taking a shit.
J: Well, hurry up!
M: I can't hurry the crap, man.

Oh, man! Cyanoblahlala, we use "walkies" at my work, too, and it's ALWAYS a dilemma whether to answer back when in the toilet.

It's funny when there's a customer in the bathroom at the same time, hearing, "GGG? Do you copy?" squawk over the radio every minute you're... um... unavailable.

TSV- you've had your GB surgery? Please let us know how everything comes out! hehehehe. I hope you are feeling much better soon!

Here's another side splitter: "I was driving back while you were still shitting green!"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

TSV! Your comments and stories have entertained me for quite some time-- now I've come to care about you. I hope you are doing all right! Take it easy, yeah? And keep up your great sense of humor! :)

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

GGG, you never farted into it?
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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

My most memorable #2 one liner was courtesy of my niece when she was just about a year old. She was in the process of being totty trained and we were on a camping trip.

She had eaten copious numbers of hotdogs the night before we all went to bed, and apparently, these hotdogs were none to kind to her diaper when making their exit.

The conversation that ensued between my brother-in-law and my niece went something like this:

Niece: Daddy, I go in my pants.
BIL: Yeah, you go in your pants alright.
Niece: Poop, daddy?
BIL: That ain't poop, that's SHIT.

My sister and I just about choked we were trying so hard not to laugh.

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Holy skid marks Batman!

Another one courtesy of my husband: "I almost shit my guts out."

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Holy skid marks Batman!

In days of old, when knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
Men dumped their load on the side of the road
And walked off quite contented

A number of years ago, we had two Shih Tzu's, whom we would walk several times a day (at least 4) for more than 15 minutes and as many 45. We noticed that, on a number of different occassions, the pooches would crap at the same time. Not every time, but seemingly too often to be simple coincidence, especially during the longer walks. We dubbed this pooing phenomena as a "simul-crap". This usually illicited great speculation at the dinner table about its nature and causes. Was this some sort of strange dog social behavior. Was this the result of letting the dogs watch while we were in the bathroom? Could it be a dietary issue.

We did everything but keep score and make videos to try and figure this one out.
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Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Daphne, it WOULD be really fun to do that, but the damn managers carry walkies, too, and it's a big "no-no" to say/do anything into the walkie that you couldn't/shouldn't say over the PA system.

"We have to assume that any number of customers could be standing within hearing distance from an associate wearing a walkie."

Killjoys. >:(

For years, I've annoyed my friends by saying "Did everything come out okay?" when the exit the toilet. I think now I'll switch that to "Did you get any on you?"! Thanks, SW.

This may well be the funniest website I have ever read on the internet.

A ditty that my mom always has said, that I think is pretty funny, is:

"I would rather fart and bear the shame, then spare the fart and bear the pain."

One of the funniest I heard was from a coworker. He was the Quality Systems manager and he'd announce "Time to add another chapter to the SOP". (Standard Operating Procedures)

Yes. "You've got brown on you."

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

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GrandMasterCrap
I once heard a friend of mine from Georgia say, 'i wouldn't trust him no further then i could shit him upside down!', so i thought about that and i thought it was kind of funny.

My paternal grandfather was fond of using the phrase, "Shit FIRE!" as an expletive. It wasn't until many years after his death that I came across the entire phrase, "Shit FIRE...and save matches."

Oh...and then there's Rodney Dangerfield's classic line from "Caddyshack" when he rips one on the dance floor at the country club, "Whoa! Somebody step on a duck?"

In appreciation of another's fart "Damn, your fart made ME feel good."

Poop: "Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."

"I swear I chewed that corn yesterday at dinner."

"whoa! I don't remember eating THAT"

Comedian Ron White has a line that's always cracked me up:

"Did you ever take a shit so big... that your pants fit better afterward?"

Little Dumpster and I refer to it as "making Mr. Brown."

I have a friend who says he is going to "bomb Tokyo" (guess that started in WWII).

I had a secretary once who announced to everybody in the office as she was headed to the loo, "I've gotta make potty before my eyes turn brown!"

Say to someone after a real wet burp: "Man, if that had come out the other end, you'd have had to wipe!"

Say to somebody after they fart: "What did that asshole just say?"

UPS (United Plumbing Systems)
"What can Brown do for you?" tee-hee. I get such a kick out of this marketing faux pas!
GrandMasterCrap
"The Author of 'Crappiness is cool', available now online.

Those boys were round that girl like flies on a turd.

Maybe a good piece of slang is to "Declare war on the sewage system". (I like terms involving 'to declare war')

_Dropping off Fans at the Super Bowl!!_____
Producing waste since 1967

One of the old jokes at my job was to take the Drive/Thru headset into the crapper.
You laid it on the top of the tank while you did your business. Then before you flush, you hold the microphone near the side of the tank and hit the intercom button to the other headset, NOT TO THE MENU BOARD (2 different buttons).
If they had the headset cranked up to "Patent Pending" (Full volume), the sound would make them jump.
No wonder the sound is always so shitty on them.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I really think my favourite #2 one liner is that from A Mighty Wind in the current Poop of the Week - 'I think I have a tour group checking out'.

"I think I have a tour group checking out."

I agree, Ham. That one's had me laughing all week!

When he needed to unload my Grampa used to belt out:

“Fire in the mountains fire in the grass,
the old man died with a cork in his ass!”

Herb Brooks (1980 Olympic Hockey Coach, and former University of Minnesota Coach, recruited me) commenting on one of the guys hair cuts: "You look like you got a 5 pound fart on your head."

"Dropping the kids off at the pool."
"Dropping 50 Cent off in da Club."

I always liked "I gotta go hang a rat"

Eddie Murphy on million wippers;

"one of those shits when your ass fucks over you and bites the shit in half."

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

"Phone call from Mother Nature"
"Take a short walk"
"Fax from W's Oval Office"
"Pull a (insert name of co-worker known for peeling paint from the neighbor's walls)"

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

"Fax from the oval office", priceless.

GottaGoGirl.......Reference your post of
3-12-07. When I was in the Air Force in Japan I was at Yokota AB which was only a few miles from Tachikawa AB. We would set Tachi's discreet frequency on one of our radios and amuse ourselves by farting in the mike all night. Tachi Tower always thought it was one of their aircraft on the ground that was responsible.

Years later I worked in a grocery store whose manger liked to fart over the PA when the store was crowded. They were huge juicy farts which most people found highly amusing.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

"HANG A RAT" i am crying because of laughing so hard i had never read this freakin hillarious

Loaf pincher....As well as being my favorite term for taking a shit you are also a humanitarian. I read your profile and was glad to hear that you help horses that have been abandoned or abused. I once lived in a rustic part of Tennessee that was being invaded by city slickers searching for a bucolic life style but with no idea how to care for animals.
Their idea of care was a moldy bale of hay a little water and no assistance from veterinarian services. Bless you.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

thank you chief we have that here to i just went out last night and picked up a quarter horse last night at 2 a.m. by the request of local law enforcement that they found when they raided a small acrerage for making meth the poor fellow was living in an old tool shed that was hardly big enough for a human and had no food, hay or any clean water. I didn't think he was going to make the trailer ride home i got him started on an IV and am getting some fluids in him right now it will be a long recovery for him.I vowed years ago i would not let things like this happen if i could help it. The human race tends to forget that we would not have the life that we enjoy now without the help of horses.