Sitting Down To Business: Yes Or No?
Folks, I have a confession to make, a deep, dark secret that I have not told to a single soul until now. A shame so embarrassing that the Germans have a word for it: Sitzpinkler.
That's right. I'm a guy, and I sit down to pee.
Go ahead, laugh. Cue the girly jokes. Yes, I throw like a girl too. Wanna’ make something of it? I have my reasons. Two of them, to be exact.
Reason Number One is the obvious reason – it just works better for me. I get much better drainage this way. Ever hear the little ditty “no matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops run down your pants"? I get this all the time when I pee standing up, but it never happens when I perform my duty while suitably enthroned.
Reason Number Two dates back to a single incident. I was working in the shop and had to take a whiz. Since I worked alone in the shop at the time, I couldn't take long bathroom breaks. You just know a customer is going to walk in while you're settling down to business with a Time Magazine in your lap. So, I opted for taking care of business in the full upright and locked position.
As I was peeing away, my body decided to remind me that I have allergies. I sneezed. I wasn't aware until that frightening split-second that I had a round in the chamber, and the sneeze was just like pulling the trigger. It didn't help that the general relaxing of the musculature down there was roughly the same as taking the safety off. I quickly felt a sensation that I hadn't felt since I was about three years old – the sensation of something clammy and squishy in my nether regions.
Unfortunately for PoopReport, this story had a fairly happy ending. Most of the hazmat stuck to my bum; collateral damage to the undershorts was minimal. After performing the required paperwork (long form this time) I came away with a new resolve. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't care who may be laughing at me. From now on, I am not – er, I mean I AM going to take this sitting down!
How about you?