Sitting Down To Business: Yes Or No?

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Folks, I have a confession to make, a deep, dark secret that I have not told to a single soul until now. A shame so embarrassing that the Germans have a word for it: Sitzpinkler.

That's right. I'm a guy, and I sit down to pee.

Go ahead, laugh. Cue the girly jokes. Yes, I throw like a girl too. Wanna’ make something of it? I have my reasons. Two of them, to be exact.

Reason Number One is the obvious reason – it just works better for me. I get much better drainage this way. Ever hear the little ditty “no matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops run down your pants"? I get this all the time when I pee standing up, but it never happens when I perform my duty while suitably enthroned.

Reason Number Two dates back to a single incident. I was working in the shop and had to take a whiz. Since I worked alone in the shop at the time, I couldn't take long bathroom breaks. You just know a customer is going to walk in while you're settling down to business with a Time Magazine in your lap. So, I opted for taking care of business in the full upright and locked position.

As I was peeing away, my body decided to remind me that I have allergies. I sneezed. I wasn't aware until that frightening split-second that I had a round in the chamber, and the sneeze was just like pulling the trigger. It didn't help that the general relaxing of the musculature down there was roughly the same as taking the safety off. I quickly felt a sensation that I hadn't felt since I was about three years old – the sensation of something clammy and squishy in my nether regions.

Unfortunately for PoopReport, this story had a fairly happy ending. Most of the hazmat stuck to my bum; collateral damage to the undershorts was minimal. After performing the required paperwork (long form this time) I came away with a new resolve. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I don't care who may be laughing at me. From now on, I am not – er, I mean I AM going to take this sitting down!

How about you?

23 Comments on "Sitting Down To Business: Yes Or No?"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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I wouldn't make too much of a big deal of it. I have done it myself but only when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm too dizzy to stand up. If you sit on a public shitter routinely, you are asking for trouble.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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As i write this, I'm sitting comfortably, positioned well, and peeing. Some cautions:
1. The boner piss. This is when the erect rocket needs to release some fuel. This can be tricky. The optimal thing to do is try and bring the boner to a flacidity, but, this is no easy feat. On countless occassions, I have peed between the the seat and porcelain because of penis fluctuations. The sound of streaming piss caught in between is unmistakable. Fortunately, I have never got my pants or legs wet, and being the gentleman I am, ALWAYS clean up afterwards. CEP is right, public toilets can be nasty. I've had to clean many a foul seat (I think train and bus stations are the worst). If a urinal is available, the choice is obvious.
2. As for your situation, if your experiencing pre-shit, pissing and sneezing while standing squirts while in standup position, there's a few comedy clubs in Los Angeles that can use your talent...considering what passes as comedy these days.
3. Be sure the seat is down before sitting. I clumsly have slipped between the porcelain oval, only once has my ass hit water. This usually happens in the dark. You lose balance so quickly. Your body quickly folds up like an ironing board, and quick, reactive position recovery can sore muscles you thought never had and strain areas you thought you never had. This slip-up could also pass as fine slapstick.
I live in a small bungalow, and the bathroom is close to my bed. One time, while having to take a boner piss post sex, my girlfriend at the time asked "what was that...are you alright?" after I had sat and iron board collapsed between the oval ring...it was dark, but she could see the slumped, pathetic mass through the open door. She cracked up, and loved me more afterwards. Your call....

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I can't pee as completely when seated as when standing. Yes, I've had some stray droplets once in a great while when peeing standing, but at least they are no longer inside. I sometimes find that after pooping, and peeing to the extent possible while seated, I still have to stand up and turn around to finish peeing. So if I go into the bathroom just to pee, I always do it standing, because if I do it sitting, I know I'll just have to finish standing up.

shitake boy's picture
l 100+ points
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I feel that there is nothing "girlie" about sitting down to pee. The only reason that women need to assume that position for urination is because of their biological makeup and how the plumbing was designed. I sit to pee on occasion myself, and I do not feel any less of a man by doing that. I sit down to pee mostly in the morning when I first get up, because sometimes there is a "round in the chamber" as Groom so colorfully put it; and because my aim is less than stellar, especially when I first get up. Also, we are in the process of potty training Little Shitake, and she has already attempted to pee standing up because she has seen me do that, as well as the boys in her preschool. Because she is in the potty training process, she follows me into the bathroom on a regular basis, and when that occurs I sit to pee as well. Finally, when I am at other people's homes, because of my aiming ability, I will also opt to sit to pee for cleanliness reasons. Also, my bladder empties fully when I pee sitting down. We men should have that option without being called names for it. Sitting to pee, in my opinion, does not reduce ones masculinity. It should be left up to the individual. Also, I now poop in a simulated squatting position, which seems to work better for me.

_______
In search of the ever evasive BM

In search of the ever evasive BM

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I had the exact opposite problem of MSG. If I emptied my bladder while standing and then sat down for a number two my weapon would fire off a squirt or two as the turd exited the bomb bay. Unless I had strategically pointed my dingus downward I would anoint the floor in front of the commode.

This is something that I thought probably came with age but since MSG is also a geezer I suppose not. It's no longer a problem since I have to self-cath to completely empty my bladder.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I sit down to piss except at public shitters.
This way the piss won't hit the water and splash all over the place. Plus, I read a little.

snowballingblood's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ah, a very interesting series of testimonials from my brothers who urinate sitting. To each their own, but I personally cannot see how this would even by physically possible for me - even when I'd prefer to sit than stand due to fatigue, laziness, etc. Perhaps it is due to the way I position myself for a nice bowel movement that makes it seem "impossible" to urinate sitting. I like to be kind of on the front two-thirds of the seat, either sitting completely vertically or slightly leaned forward to begin the launch sequence. I've never thought about where my berries rest when I do this, but I think they're snug against my clean seat at home. Due to "misfires" while shitting my whole life, I always go through a practice of seeing if I have to empty the derelict rounds before a rough brawl. I am also on the larger side of the scale - my waist size is about forty-two inches, so perhaps I am just too large to urinate sitting. It might be nice to have an attachment to the toilet, not unlike something that would go to a vacuum, to aid in a larger man urinating while seated. For now though, my bathroom is quite small, so I can just put up my arm and lean against the wall while hovering over the toilet if I'm feeling dizzy and tired, probably pissing out the liquor I imbibed several hours before.

No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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...this is absolutely hilarious! I have never witnessed this coming from men. I always felt lucky to be a girl in this situation because usually it feels great to get off my feet for a few minutes (especially at work).


_______

Never finish until you're done!

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Thomas A. Crapper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Personally I have always enjoyed sitting down to pee, although more recently it has become a necessity. In my infinite wisdom I decided to get my shmeckle pierced, and gauge it up. Now it sprays everywhere like a sprinkler when the jewelery is in, and dribbles out the extra hole when when the jewelry isn't. I gave up on trying to find a remedy for this almost immediately and never minded not peeing like a man in the first place.

poop makes the heart grow fonder

Groom of the Stool's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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TAC - the vision of your dingus spraying like a lawn sprinkler fills me with infinite mirth :) Did the practitioner of the operation not warn you of "possible side effects"?

Groom of the Stool's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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BTW - I must add that a guy I once worked with used "You sit down to pee" as an insult. I've carried this with me ever since...

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Six of one and a half-dozen of the other to me. I sit or stand according to my mood at the moment.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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When I am using my cat's liter box I neither sit nor stand, I kneel.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Mr Dip's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I like to pee sitting down and crap standing up.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Hello, Chief: A liter seems a small capacity for even a cat box. Better remeasure, perhaps.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Oops, The "litter box" has a large capacity, I must have been thinking about what volume of pee I intended to hose into it.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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While traveling long distance with my cat, I kept the litter box in the car. We were stuck in traffic and I desperately had to pee. Since we weren't going anywhere I climbed into the back of the car and proceeded to squat and relieve myself into the litter box. I was never so happy to have a cat as I was that day!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Groom of the Stool's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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shitwit: and what did the cat think of this? ("sniff, sniff, WTF??!!"_

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Much as I enjoy cats, I'm not sure that their mental processes can be called "thinking." I would bet, though, that you might need (at least) fresh litter, or even a new litterbox. You surely don't want that cat "thinking outside the box." Its poop does stink . . .

Dr Scully's picture
l 100+ points
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I always assumed that because of the dangly bits it would be easier for a man to pee standing up, as opposed to trying to lean back on the seat and pointing it downwards. That's why mens rooms have urinals.

I know some women that do find it odd and make fun of their boyfriends about it, so I wouldn't open with this info on the first date.

IBSSUCKS's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Depends on my mood, and where I am at or what my IBS is up to that day. Since I sit alot to shit its nice to stand once in a while. I do not go out of my way to sit to pee in public restrooms, for cleanliness reasons. Alot of times I stand to finish peeing after a long shit. Unless our daughter has followed me in, she is at the potty training age and mimics everything others do.....

Anonymous's picture
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I know my brother does, because he says it reduces mess and in case you have to poop too, you might as well be sitting! I wish my boyfriend would sit down to pee too. It just seems more sensible! I don't know why a woman would make fun of a guy for sitting!

Anonymous's picture
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So, I was also going to post something about this. When LO was 2 days old, we put her in her tub and she shat in the water and nelray stuck her poo-hands in her mouth! Since then we sponge-bathed her...Up until last week when we felt she needed a good washing. So in the evening when we're ready to bathe her, I'll wait until she has a wet/dirty diaper, and then stick her in her tub. So far, I've been lucky. But I've always wondered what other parents do when their baby pees or poos in the tub?

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I approved this but I actually see no connection between it and the theme of the thread.

ChiefThunderbutt