asscrackitis: chapped, cracking ass
The last few months I've had a very strange and painful problem. No one I've asked has ever had this problem, so I'm looking to you people here to help me. For the last few months my ass crack has been chapped. The crack itself is very red and quite painful, and looks like the cracking you get on the sides of your mouth if your lips are extremely chapped. I have not changed my wiping habbits -- I use the damp Cottonelle wipes. I've been putting Neosporin with lidocaine on my crack and that makes it feel better but the problem isn't going away. Please help -- I need ass crack relief!
For starters, I can assure you of two things: Asscrackitis (the medical term for an irritated or inflamed ass crack), is generally NOT sexually transmitted, nor is it likely to be fatal. I realize that neither of these facts has anything to do with your concerns, but thought I would sound more professional making this sort of pronouncement right off the bat.
First, discard your thong underwear, if applicable. (Alternatively, you can boil them for one hour and then soak them in a gallon of bleach, but I would just throw them out). Thong-wearing is the #1 cause of Asscrackitis. Boiling and bleaching really has nothing helpful to contribute to your problem, but I suggested it only to encourage you to stop wearing them. Fabric wedged up your ass crack can't be helping the problem.
Next, are you using some new type of soap, body wash, detergent, or Brillo pads on your crack? I would recommend switching to some bland, non-irritating cleanser, such as Ivory soap, for a while. Don't overwash your crack, either. Be sure you let it dry well.
Wear plain old cotton underpants for a while. No leather or rubber underwear or pants. Let your crack breathe, as God intended.
Stop with the Neosporin if it isn't helping. Get a mild hydrocortisone (1%) cream at the drugstore, and apply it sparingly to your spanking clean, dry ass crack twice a day.
Don't use those premoistened wipes for a while. They usually have some alcohol in them, which could be either over-drying your crack or irritating it. Alcohol is for drinking, not for wiping.
If you are not improved within two weeks, or if your Asscrackitis is getting worse while you are doing these things, for God's sake go show your ass to a real doctor.
Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.
Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.
Got a question for her?