asscrackitis: chapped, cracking ass

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Ali asks:

The last few months I've had a very strange and painful problem. No one I've asked has ever had this problem, so I'm looking to you people here to help me. For the last few months my ass crack has been chapped. The crack itself is very red and quite painful, and looks like the cracking you get on the sides of your mouth if your lips are extremely chapped. I have not changed my wiping habbits -- I use the damp Cottonelle wipes. I've been putting Neosporin with lidocaine on my crack and that makes it feel better but the problem isn't going away. Please help -- I need ass crack relief!





Dear Ali,

For starters, I can assure you of two things: Asscrackitis (the medical term for an irritated or inflamed ass crack), is generally NOT sexually transmitted, nor is it likely to be fatal. I realize that neither of these facts has anything to do with your concerns, but thought I would sound more professional making this sort of pronouncement right off the bat.

First, discard your thong underwear, if applicable. (Alternatively, you can boil them for one hour and then soak them in a gallon of bleach, but I would just throw them out). Thong-wearing is the #1 cause of Asscrackitis. Boiling and bleaching really has nothing helpful to contribute to your problem, but I suggested it only to encourage you to stop wearing them. Fabric wedged up your ass crack can't be helping the problem.

Next, are you using some new type of soap, body wash, detergent, or Brillo pads on your crack? I would recommend switching to some bland, non-irritating cleanser, such as Ivory soap, for a while. Don't overwash your crack, either. Be sure you let it dry well.

Wear plain old cotton underpants for a while. No leather or rubber underwear or pants. Let your crack breathe, as God intended.

Stop with the Neosporin if it isn't helping. Get a mild hydrocortisone (1%) cream at the drugstore, and apply it sparingly to your spanking clean, dry ass crack twice a day.

Don't use those premoistened wipes for a while. They usually have some alcohol in them, which could be either over-drying your crack or irritating it. Alcohol is for drinking, not for wiping.

If you are not improved within two weeks, or if your Asscrackitis is getting worse while you are doing these things, for God's sake go show your ass to a real doctor.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












206 Comments on "asscrackitis: chapped, cracking ass"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I got a bad case of Asscrackitis during a trip to Mount Rainier one fall. It was caused by sitting for long periods of time with a sweaty period blotter. The only way I was able to cure it was to sleep in the nude for several days so that my ass could get some air. That, and I kept it dry.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Pooper's picture

I get asscrackitis every winter. The dry air gives me dry skin, and of course that includes my crack. For some reason my crack seems to get it worse than any other part of my body. I just put some mosturizing lotion on there a couple times a day and that helps, although it doesn't go away until spring (and higher humidity) comes.

Craptacular's picture

I also get asscrackitis from time to time. I get it from walking a lot at my place of work. My ass gets "broke" if I use that cheap TP they provide. Walking with asscrackitis is horrible. It feels like a burr or pinecone is stuck between my ass cheeks. I try to cure it by applying lotion to my butt cheeks. It generally goes away after a few days.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The other day I was embarassed because I actually got a fungal infection down there. My asscrack was bright red and smelled like moldy bread. Ew!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

redcrack's picture

I too suffer from asscrackitis. It starts out as a dull pain then persists into a cracked ass crack. It is super painful and goes away in a couple days for me. I feel sorry for those who get it all winter. One time it wasn't split yet and then I squat down and the pain that insued nearly made me cry. For some reason I always want to touch it to see how its doing and that probably makes it worse. I'm glad I stumbled across this little string of pooreports. I thought I was the only sufferer of asscrackitis. And as for the The Shit Volcano's moldy bread smell.... I think your asscrackitis has turned into soomething much much worse. Good luck with that.

Recovering Asscrackitiis Victim's picture

I am currently (well recovering) from Asscrackitis. I got mine yesterday evening (Tuesday) when I went for a 3 mile run. Last night it wasn't too bad, but when I work up this morning....ouch. I used vaseline because that's all I could find and that was a temporary relief. My cousin once recommended Chap-Stick and that does work for mild cases, but mine is bad. To top it off, I'm a teacher so I have to walk around all day in front of students. The best treatment I found was a body powder (Gold Bond) or just regular old corn starch...DON'T USE BABY POWDER (NOT GOOD). I have never had luck with any creams. After work today i picked up some powder and now it's gone. If the creams don't work for you, like they don't work for me, try Gold Bond or Corn Starch...they are far more effective in my experience. I know what your thinking, they may overdry the area and cause more chaffing. Asscrackitis is a cause of moisture that isn't able to breath so it makes your skin pruney (sp?), just like your fingers after sitting in a bath tub too long. The problem worsens when you apply a cream because you're block in the moisture. Generally speaking, creams like to stick together and your cheaks will stick and not breath. Take it from me, I'm Asscrackitis free!

Jasmine's picture

My friend Kayla has a terrible case of asscrackitis. She complains all the time that her ass hurts! I feel bad , I pray for it to go away. I sometimes have to wash or put ontment on her ass for her. Sometimes I watch her ass jiggle and the flakes fall all over, I try and eat them...they arouse me. We should start a fundraiser for Asscrackitis.

Former Asscrackitis Virgin's picture

About a week ago I wore a thong to go fishing in very hot weather. I had white pants on so there was no other choice! (As if wearing white pants fishing wasn't dumb enough.) In any case, I got a bad case of asscrackitis. It was fine that day, but the next day my butt was bad news! The creams worked for a while, but I think they started to make it worse after a few days. Sleeping naked and airing out worked best for me. I am happy to annouce my crack is feeling much better now.

beaver's picture

dear ass expertis.
just a few minutes ago i walked in on a barium filled ass chamber smiling a very disconcerting grin and winking at me, im kinda nervous. should i pray for rain?

Not alone anymore!'s picture

Omg, y'all have no idea how much you've helped me. I just recently came down with a case of asscrackitis and was horrified with the idea of something being wrong with my crack! I was so releaved to finally find that there are others out there like me! From reading your entries, I think mine must have come from a very sweaty game of mini-golf in jeans the other day. Any ideas on how to speed up recovery? I've been waddeling around feeling like I've got a razor blade in my crack, and I'm sure it's not appealing.

Seattle Assrackitus BF's picture

My GF recently came down with the asskrackitus. I have been a once and a while sufferer. I have assured her that with time and a dry crack it will be ok. Typically I have found that it is usually caused by a large quantity of walking on a hot day. Once, a bar owner akinned a disagreeable experience with a "chapped ass on a hot day." Your site is great! Keep up the good work.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I have noticed that I get asscrackitis more often in the winter time around the Pacific Northwest. For some reason the cold and wet causes it.

Of course it is not the same cause that some druggie neighbor of mine had. The guy actually got fungus in his asscrack. Of course, he only bathed once a month if he remembered in his pothead stupor.

NORMAL asscrackitis can be painful and burny. I have discovered from a recent bout that the best cure for it is the following:

1. Dry your crack as much as possible.
2. Clean it out with a wet wipe.
3. Wipe with a Tucks medicated pad.
4. Seal in the medicine with Preparation H gel.

Works every time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

WTFisWmyCrack?'s picture

I also suffer from asscrackitis. I thought I was alone but knew that was silly. So I found this forum. My suffering is worst just above the hole
here --> ^
hole --> 0
sack -->())
It's making me crazy. It hurts and is flaky and shit so I put vasaline or some other cream on it to keep it supple and not sore but it really does flake. I went to the dumb ass doctor and he's just like "well leave it alone". I'm like "this is what im paying for? fix it you dick!". Anyway I think it gets much much worse when I sit all day, I'm a computer programmer so all I do is sit. Also I lean way back while im working and I think that makes it worse to. It might be a blood flow thing from sitting on it and keeping pressure on it all day. I'm not sure what else to do this has been going on for like 6 months. I tried leaving it alone and letting it be dry but it starts to bleed and it sort of kills the sex life with the wife. "Sorry honey I can't bang you my ass is to sore to get a hard on..." So I keep up the vasaline/chapstick/aquafore applications three times a day and pray for relief.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

WTF..., your schematic showing the location of your asscrackitis made me fall off my chair. The whole time I was reading your account, I thought I was listening to a Jerky Boy's routine. Sorry you're suffering, and while you may be giving your wife little pleasure, you sure gave me lots. Thanks

Logjam

 WTFisWmyCrack?'s picture

famous people get it too

Anonymous Coward's picture

ok - i have a very sharp pain right at the top of my asscrack ( i can feel my tailbone very near the surface of my skin in that area ) ...and that is what causes the problem - i sit all day at a computer, and the pressure from my tailbone pressing out and down makes the skin tender at the top of my ass crack. The only relief i get is from icing it for 5 or so minutes at a time, and trying not to sit for too long so the pressure doesn't make it worse....like to the point of causing a bed sore type of lesion ----ouch ! This is proof that we were never meant to sit for prolonged periods of time....

Anonymous Coward's picture

i had a case of asscrackitus too and it got so bad it made my crack bleed! i thought i was dying but then i read this. thanks a lot.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have had a bad case of asscrackitus too. Its been about 6 months now off and on. I was sick for almost 2 weeks due to some type of food poisoning and during those 2 weeks I was almost constantly on the toilet. I wiped my crack so often that I developed a small split in the skin near my tailbone. That little split has caused some bleeding occasionally. Also since then I have had much more irritable crack skin. I walk a lot at work and I my skin become really irritated. Please if anyone knows how to solve any of these two problems let me know.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had this as well. And the only thing that worked for me was Aveeno cream. Real good Stuff.....oh, and remove that THONG!

Anonymous Coward's picture

So, I'm thinking that if it's moisture driven and doesn't go away on its own, it's probably a fungal infection. Think: jock itch of the crack.

Probably trying some jock itch ointment would help. If it helps after day 2 (usually when jock itch stuff starts working), you're on the right path.

Don't use a spray, and don't put the stuff up the chute. Use the ointment kind. And don't use the athelete's foot one. They make it harsher, and even though the jock itch stuff is designed for the "guys", I'm sure it's going to hurt pretty good in the crack.

I haven't tried it myself because whenever I've had asscrackitis, the airing-out method and gentle wiping has worked.

That's my theory, anyhow. Let us know if it works.

 WTFisWmyCrack?'s picture

UPDATE: ok I still have bouts of asscrackitis but not as bad. I bought a much better chair for that is helping. I also keep my crack supple with some petroleum based butt grease made for babies. It's called A&D Ointment. I tried the anti-fungal to no avail. I tried it a long time aog because I had the same thought that it might be like jock-itch/athletes crack.
Also when wiping I try to use a little jergens lotion or something if its not such a nice doo doo. You know what I mean? Like if it's a firm, round longish one that's round on one end and pointy on the other and it slides out clean, the wiping is pretty much a formality. But, if you have a few drinks and some funky Mexican food the night before and your dooky is more like the consistency of TOOTH PASTE.... The wiping is a real chore, it's 90% of the work. Thats when I use some lotion on the tissue. It makes clean up go much faster and easier.

So, in closing my advice is this.
Get a good/expensive chair I live the Aeron but couldn't afford it so i bought a knock off. Grease up after a shower. Wipe with lotion on tissue if possible.

good luck.

Tech Support Guy's picture

I sit on my rear 12hrs a day, I usually sit without standing for upto 6hrs straight. Since I lean back in my chair this caused my upper crack to seal in the magic and due to the padding of the chair, my rear sweats. Wel, I get the same burning/itching right below my tail bone. Solution that will fix the problem in 4 days, "Lotrimin AF Spray Powder". Just shower before at the beginning of the day, Spray your crack with the stuff. Go to work, Come home and take another shower. Spray your crack again and go to bed without with no bottoms. You will feel better within 4 days, completely heeled in 1 week.

carolina's picture

Wow at least I am not dying or going insane I have found my support group. Thanks for all the free advice. I will try it all!!!!

Xine's picture

I also have asscrackitis and my 18 month old daughter has it too. WTF is going on? I read every single entry and I believe ours is fungal related...we take baths together so I imagine we are spreading it around. Can someone recommend a anti fungal? Jebus!

 WTFisWmyCrack?'s picture

If you think it's fungal you should really go see a doctor. Fungi can be difficult to get rid of and on a female especially a young one who cannot express herself well can be very dangerous. If it goes into her vagina (do to proximity) could cause reproductive problems or worse.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have asscrakitis, but what's worse is that i can't take a dump. It's only been a day but everytime i try to take a dump the pain is excruciating! Does anyone know what would help maybe soften my feces? Or anything else that would help this butt of mine.

buttwizard's picture

Make your own remedy!!!
http://wiki.ehow.com/Make-Your-Own-Diaper-Cream

bootie2itchy's picture

Ive had chappy ass for a while now and have just tried blistex (the kind in the little squeeze tube) and I think I may have something here!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

YIKES! Wouldn't Blistex BURN? It's mentholated, isn't it? Yow.

Anonymous Coward's picture

wow! i've been suffering from asscrackitis for a while now, not knowing what it was...kinda went away for a while but is back in force and much worse. i thought i'd see if i could find anything on the net about it, and voila! it hurts to sit...stretch legs apart (sex is very painful). it's itchy and at night i tend to scratch it then wake up with the pain.
ew! horrid thing!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Try taking long baths and sleeping naked (I do all the time anyway =P). Also rub some sort of cream on it. Call me crazy but it works.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Anonymous Coward's picture

I thought I was alone but this site brings new hope - there are other people with splitass disease... Ive had it on and off for two years now. Big split - up to an inch long sometimes that has left scarring. Bleeds sometimes. Can hurt like nothing else when hot water gets in it from showering. I blame my tailbone - maybe I have a semi-tail that pushes skin out too much. I went to a doctor, she said 'Live with it'. Biggest waste of $52.00 ever. Another doctor said Hydracordazone (bad spelling) but no luck. I get it after going in badass mosh pits from all the sweat. Woe is me

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Maybe you could have it surgically stitched closed, like when they pin kids' ears back.

_______
Mmmm...Fiber: Nature's Broom!

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Sounds like this from another poonurse thread, pilonidal disease, right here.

shockediamnotalone's picture

wow thanks everyone for sharing their asscrackitis stories. the tips seem helpful. i have been using aveeno cream with hydrocortisone in it for a couple days and it is REALLY HELPING. it still does hurt and itch but i can see it getting better. another piece of advice- DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! i know that is hard but dont.

REal Deal's picture

Well, I seem to have 3 little holes in the top of the crack that hurt so bad. I can't sit comfortably or squat. Every movement hurts. I am a sufferer of asscrackitis and it's no fun. I don't know is the holes are normal cause I never knew there were holes until I made my boyfriend look at it and take pictures so I can see... it really sucks.. HELP!!1

Polly Esther's picture

You have a YEAST infection. Get thee to the dermatologist and get:

Locoid Lipocream 0.1% Ferm
Oxistat 1% Cream Phar

You mix a dab of each together and put it on your hi-knee crack.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Ali, if you're a boss, tell your employees to use Chapstick.

_______
"Vini, Vidi, Vomiti" (we came, we saw, we got sick on the plane")

Anonymous Coward's picture

yes, i too suffer from this terrible affliction, the dreaded asscrackitis. it just started happening sporadically a year ago. awesome! i tried the a&d diaper rash ointment and that didn't really work, so i switched to aquafor. recently that hasn't been working, so i'll try some of those other tips... thanks!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I just discovered that my ass HAD a crack. As I consider that a defect, I sent it back to the manufacturer. They sent it back on a large plate. Guess I can now tell people they handed me my ass on a platter.

tommy lee's picture

yo i think i have asscrackitis but i dont know i have a really itchy crack and i've had it for months and when i scratch it it feels better then later on i will get a bad burning feeling like sand paper is down my crack can anyone help as to info as to what i have please i feel like im dying please help me

Angry Anus's picture

My butt hurts and I am not a homosexual. My ass feels like it is splitting as if my ass is a log caught in a log splitter. Is there any cream or medicine you can recommend for my painful poopshoot? Thank you...I need relief!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've had an incredible itchy poop-shoot for months now. When I take a shower I can't stop itching it. It feels so good. My wife said there's yeast down there, so now I'm dabbing her medication and praying I won't have too many more shower scratching sagas! sheesh!

 WTFisWmyCrack?'s picture

Hi I'm back. I still have the occasional bout of asscrackitis, mostly from sitting too much. but I promise you salvation if you shower twice a day, get plenty of fluids, sleep bottomless and lotion up or use some butt grease. The worst things you can do is sit all day long, don't shower before bed, drink coffee all day and wine or beer at night, (dehydration is part of the problem). Should take 5-7 days to recover from a bad bout.

The Flaming Anus's picture

Ok this is the worst. My ass is just fucking burning. Ive been an asscrackitis sufferer since the age of about 15. At which time I worked at a golf course and was on my feet all day. My ass would just drive me nuts. Being young I didnt think there was any help and found relif in using the nice cold rubber golf club grips as a scratching post. Over the years ive tried packing my ass with tp over night to dry it out (doest do a damn thing),putting baby powder on it... creams lotions powders. Nothing would help my flaming ass crack. I find the best thing to do is leave it along. Sleep bottom less and use polysporin if it starts to crack. Other then that. Avoid from sticking your hand down the poop shoot in front of innocent by standers. Its not charming...no matter how bad it needs a clawing

Anonymous Coward's picture

In the last three weeks or so, I started feeling really itchy in my crack. Not my hole, but above my hole... like where my tailbone ends. I freaked out (naturally) thinking I had herpes. It like comes and goes, isn't very consistent and last night I itched so much that it caused little cracks between my butt cheeks. I've read everyone's entry, and I'm hoping it's nothing serious (std)!!! I tried standing in front of the mirror, spreading my cheeks to see, but the little cuts I got from scratching are very tiny... and plus, it hurts to spread or even touch with my finger. I'm somewhat relieved but still worry... any other females relate to this?

Anonymous Coward's picture

thank you for the advice!

i got it at work,
fuck you crappy work! cant afford good toilet paper,

im gonna try the airing out function
wish me luck!

Anonymous Coward's picture

i think i got the asscrackitis and i thought something was definitely wrong with me but after finding this site im sure its not that bad. I dont even know how i got it but i wear jeans and sweats all the time. Maybe that is the problem.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I wonder if once all these assholes are healed up, if a little smear of antiperspirant would do the trick?

Wipe, then swipe. No sweat.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've had fissure at the top of my butt crack for quite some time now. I truely beleive it is caused by soggy bottom, or swamp ass. It feels like what i'd imagine a bed sore would feel like. My Girl friend has attempted to mend the two inch long fissure several times with Q-tips and cotton swabs. i've taped medicated gauze to the crack also. nothing worked until I powdered it with flour. It created a cake like substance in the crevase to which i removed with a butter knife. I reccomend using lilly white self rising flour. I gurantee this method. give it a shot.

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