It's time to get out the plyers.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

That's just gross! I'm sorry you have an ass lump, that must be annoying as hell. My dad had an ass lump for the longest time that felt like he had a pea on his anus. One day the thing just up and popped during a bout with constipation. Filled the whole toilet with blood! It turned out it was a cyst, just like Motherload said, and that it had been sitting in his asshole for nearly eight years. EWWW!!!!

BTW, thank you, Motherload, for taking over the medical questions. We have been missing the advice column.

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"That was a very disappointing party. I showed up and everyone left!"- Camille

It is an alien implant. They use it to track your every movement, and since it connected to the end of your spine, they can see what you see and hear what you think. You will die if it is removed.

Maybe you didn't fully evolve and it's the remnants of your tail.

Can you imagine what a pain it would be for humans to have tails? If you had diarrhea, it would run down... ick!

GGG, but if the tail were sufficiently mobile, you could use it to wipe with and could keep reading the newspaper.

Oooh. Sort of a 5th limb, similar to an elephant's trunk. I like it!

An extra limb? You could type and double click at the same time.

I can do that just with two hands...

A tail, I think, would get in the way too much. I think the bump needs to be checked out as soon as you can.

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Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Maybe you have a serious case of marbelitis.

(Seriously), I had the same thing before I got hemmhoroids. My advice, if you want to avoid a lot of pain, see your doctor.
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Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

Very interesting Ass Bump. I would think the bump could be any of the above, but it it were on me, I'de just pinch it till it popped and go on about my business. Darn doctors charge ya an arm and a tail to diagnose an ass bump. If your too chicken, see the almighty doctors and have them stick a finger in yer butt. I've always wondered why you have to pay people to probe your ass. Why arent the aliens around when you need a butt probe?

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Poop Shooter!

I've had an ass cyst before. It popped one day in class and, like TSV's dad, it bled like hell.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Poop Shooter. I wound up costing me $1,400.00. That included two rectals @ $100.00 a visit, and a colonoscopy @$1,200.00. In the end, I solved the problem myself.
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Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

i had a ass bump and i popped it and and shit came out and my boyfriend recorded it and is gonna put it on the web

__its probably an ingrown butt hair!Or maybe you have riods?_____
fartqueen

I had one it went down after a few weeks.. no worries

i also have a lump in my ass it feels like at needle and itches as well i have had it for about 4 days now but i hope it goes away. i touched it and there is a little itching and a little like a pin prick when touched and itches like crazy when i take a poop and sensitive to toilet paper i hope its nothin to serious

Ass bump relative, don't sweat it, its just the remnants of your assimilated, unborn twin. Being the dominant one, your body developed over, and around, your twin, and consumed most of it, but from your description, the genitalia is still growing, and starting to protrude out your ass...wipe with lotion a few times and see what happens....and get back to us.

Well a couple of you have almost hit the nail on the head. It sounds like a pilonidal cyst, which develops in the cavity left from when we had tails. It also results from an ingrown hair. I've had one that led to major surgery, and was sliced from tailbone to anus. The surgery is painful and you're left on your stomach with your entire ass bandaged. Makes it difficult to flirt with nurses. Get it checked out, it can be taken care of without surgery, if you do.

GGG, a tail would be no problem for me. I can just fling it over my shoulder when I poop. It could keep my dick company.

hm couple of days back my bf shoved his finger up my ass and was really rough. when i got home my arsehole started to hurt, and then i felt this marble like thing swelling up. gradually it hurts to even sit and feels as though theres something in my ass. im very worried because this has never happened before, and i didn't even have sex. could it be a cyst? what should i do?

Help, did bf have a hangnail?

Most of these bumps and lumps sound potentially serious. Get to a doctor, pronto. If you are in doubt that a pilonidal cyst is serious, please use a search engine, look it up, and ask for images; they will show the possible extent of these things. Often they require surgery, though if you go early enough, draining and disinfecting may be enough. Go!

Low shoulders, then, PD?

help, I hope you're a female...

yeah im a female. im really scared. its swollen and i can feel a lump, like a marble. and it's painful if i sit on it. thanks for the fast response. i was thinking of waiting it out, hoping that it will go away, because this has never happened to me before. furthermore my bf and i didn't have sex, he was just pushing his finger up my ass. what should i tell the doctor? it's kind of embarassing. THANKS FOR THE FAST RESPONSE PPL. appreciate it.

Help, while my answer may have appeared to be a joke, it surely was not. One of the reasons a doctor uses a glove during anal exams is so his nail does'nt cut a person. You may have a laceration which (due to the bacteria) has become infected. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor what happened. Believe me they have seen and heard a lot worse. And maybe on your next date try taking in a movie, or go shopping.

yeah i got like 2 of those they hurt real bad, when i poop too ahah, they'll just end up poppign though