It's time to get out the plyers.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

That's just gross! I'm sorry you have an ass lump, that must be annoying as hell. My dad had an ass lump for the longest time that felt like he had a pea on his anus. One day the thing just up and popped during a bout with constipation. Filled the whole toilet with blood! It turned out it was a cyst, just like Motherload said, and that it had been sitting in his asshole for nearly eight years. EWWW!!!!

BTW, thank you, Motherload, for taking over the medical questions. We have been missing the advice column.

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"That was a very disappointing party. I showed up and everyone left!"- Camille

It is an alien implant. They use it to track your every movement, and since it connected to the end of your spine, they can see what you see and hear what you think. You will die if it is removed.

Maybe you didn't fully evolve and it's the remnants of your tail.

Can you imagine what a pain it would be for humans to have tails? If you had diarrhea, it would run down... ick!

GGG, but if the tail were sufficiently mobile, you could use it to wipe with and could keep reading the newspaper.

Oooh. Sort of a 5th limb, similar to an elephant's trunk. I like it!

An extra limb? You could type and double click at the same time.

I can do that just with two hands...

A tail, I think, would get in the way too much. I think the bump needs to be checked out as soon as you can.

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Damnit, someone stole my signature!

Maybe you have a serious case of marbelitis.

(Seriously), I had the same thing before I got hemmhoroids. My advice, if you want to avoid a lot of pain, see your doctor.
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Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

Very interesting Ass Bump. I would think the bump could be any of the above, but it it were on me, I'de just pinch it till it popped and go on about my business. Darn doctors charge ya an arm and a tail to diagnose an ass bump. If your too chicken, see the almighty doctors and have them stick a finger in yer butt. I've always wondered why you have to pay people to probe your ass. Why arent the aliens around when you need a butt probe?

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Poop Shooter!

I've had an ass cyst before. It popped one day in class and, like TSV's dad, it bled like hell.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Poop Shooter. I wound up costing me $1,400.00. That included two rectals @ $100.00 a visit, and a colonoscopy @$1,200.00. In the end, I solved the problem myself.
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Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

i had a ass bump and i popped it and and shit came out and my boyfriend recorded it and is gonna put it on the web

__its probably an ingrown butt hair!Or maybe you have riods?_____
fartqueen

I had one it went down after a few weeks.. no worries

i also have a lump in my ass it feels like at needle and itches as well i have had it for about 4 days now but i hope it goes away. i touched it and there is a little itching and a little like a pin prick when touched and itches like crazy when i take a poop and sensitive to toilet paper i hope its nothin to serious

Ass bump relative, don't sweat it, its just the remnants of your assimilated, unborn twin. Being the dominant one, your body developed over, and around, your twin, and consumed most of it, but from your description, the genitalia is still growing, and starting to protrude out your ass...wipe with lotion a few times and see what happens....and get back to us.

Well a couple of you have almost hit the nail on the head. It sounds like a pilonidal cyst, which develops in the cavity left from when we had tails. It also results from an ingrown hair. I've had one that led to major surgery, and was sliced from tailbone to anus. The surgery is painful and you're left on your stomach with your entire ass bandaged. Makes it difficult to flirt with nurses. Get it checked out, it can be taken care of without surgery, if you do.

GGG, a tail would be no problem for me. I can just fling it over my shoulder when I poop. It could keep my dick company.

hm couple of days back my bf shoved his finger up my ass and was really rough. when i got home my arsehole started to hurt, and then i felt this marble like thing swelling up. gradually it hurts to even sit and feels as though theres something in my ass. im very worried because this has never happened before, and i didn't even have sex. could it be a cyst? what should i do?

Help, did bf have a hangnail?

Most of these bumps and lumps sound potentially serious. Get to a doctor, pronto. If you are in doubt that a pilonidal cyst is serious, please use a search engine, look it up, and ask for images; they will show the possible extent of these things. Often they require surgery, though if you go early enough, draining and disinfecting may be enough. Go!

Low shoulders, then, PD?

help, I hope you're a female...

yeah im a female. im really scared. its swollen and i can feel a lump, like a marble. and it's painful if i sit on it. thanks for the fast response. i was thinking of waiting it out, hoping that it will go away, because this has never happened to me before. furthermore my bf and i didn't have sex, he was just pushing his finger up my ass. what should i tell the doctor? it's kind of embarassing. THANKS FOR THE FAST RESPONSE PPL. appreciate it.

Help, while my answer may have appeared to be a joke, it surely was not. One of the reasons a doctor uses a glove during anal exams is so his nail does'nt cut a person. You may have a laceration which (due to the bacteria) has become infected. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor what happened. Believe me they have seen and heard a lot worse. And maybe on your next date try taking in a movie, or go shopping.

yeah i got like 2 of those they hurt real bad, when i poop too ahah, they'll just end up poppign though

What kind of doctor do you go to for an ass bump that looks white-ish around the hole... seriously

You've got a choice, really, Bumped, see either a dermatologist, or a proctologist.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Just got back from Thailand, and noticed a lump/ marble shaped, fairly hard and is right on the side off my bum hole. As u can imagine it hurts everytime i sit down. Also i am pooing pure brown water. ThaT ONLY STARTED TODAY, been about 10times in five hours. I was fine all holiday, and found this bump thing about a day ago. Any suggestions to wats wrong with me??

ok i have this pain in my upper ass but when i go to the mirror i dont have nothing i do a have this giant bump but im not sure if i got bitten by a mosquito or something ive had this pain for like 4 days already and i cant sleep im 19 years old and it really hurts please tell me what to do thank you

v-master, if you're on your own, give it a week. If it persists, please go to a doctor - it might very well be a bug bite.

If you're still at home or covered by your parents' HMO, find out what it covers. Remember, even though it's your butt, it's still a body part. Please consider talking to your guardians.

If you do get some medical care, please, always, stop back and tell us what your diagnosis was. You could help others.

Best wishes, music buddy.

P.S. Do you spend great times sitting on a hard seat playing? Just a thought.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

depends what u mean by great times cuz i like to stand and play but if im sitting down then i wont last no more than 1 hour and 30 min but i do like to sit around the house alot though it kinda makes me laugh that we can get something just by sitting down im amazed by this, but i think it isnt a bug bite cuz it wouldnt be bothering me this much, also i can bearly get off my own bed and cant sit normal i gotta sleep sideways just so it wont hurt.

p.s. im alil scared to go to doctors cuz i was always healthy in my life and i dont really like the idea of them putting a neddle unless they put me to sleep lol

Well think about it this way v-master. A pilonidal cyst, which I would guess is what you have, can get a lot worse if untreated. A friend of mine had one that eventually became an infected pilonidal sinus and subsequently he had to have a large area of his arse crack surgically removed. I'm not trying to scare you buddy, this can really happen.

It's a very common condition v-master so as uncomfortable as needles can be, please brave it out and get it looked at as the alternative makes a few seconds of stinging seem like kisses from a hooker. Go to the docs, get it seen to and you'll have a lovely pristine and pain-free crack in no time.

Good luck v-master and if you'll pardon the violin pun, don't get strung-out with worry. (

Just to add my 2 cents. Listen to the Scumbag (I like the way that sounds). I had a pilonidal and didn't do the right things. The surgeon had to cut me so bad that, before I finally healed, I literally had three ass cheeks.

Oh, yeah. Don't fiddle around with this.

i just want to thank everyone that helped me out so yea and it popped 3 times today so its completely gone because i squeezed it all out even though i numbed it first and yea now its all better and now i just put antiseptic on it just to clean it and it should be better but in the safe side i called in a doctor to come to my house on sunday so yea ill let u know how it went well thank you ^_^ ...

Violinmaster123, lancing it will help, but be sure to keep the area clean, and take daily epson salt baths. The problem is that the outside closes up, and it can come back. The surgery involves cutting it and packing the wound so it heals from the inside out. There are various types of surgery depending how extensive the cyst. Good luck.
You mentioned the doctor is coming over to your house on Sunday. I was wondering what planet you live on?

uhm i live on planet earth lol. whats so weird about a doctor stopping by ur house? and ok ill take that espon salt bath sounds interesting...
thanks and if u can see my e-mail u can pretty much hear my violin in youtube..

i got a lump at my ass whole and it hurts.
any one knows what it i?

Yeah. A misplaced w.

Good one, LJ!
I'd reckon a swollen, misplaced w would hurt like hell anywhere, especially at the ass-_hole.

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I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

This above: Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 02.13.2009

i got a lump at my ass whole and it hurts.
any one knows what it i?
Moderation:
Logjam (2656) -- 02.13.2009

Yeah. A misplaced w.

It could also be a missing "s"

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Bilge, I can tell you from experience that the W's are more painful (especially the capital ones). The S's, being more rounded and smooth are actually pleasurable.

Ok guys, i believe i have the same problem as Dabump but everyone is describing this bump on their ass as being external. My problem is a bump just over my ass-hole, but in my ass. I actually can't take a shit at all and yes it is itchy and annoying just as everyone is saying. It has only been a few days that I've noticed this, but I want it gone as soon as possible. I know most of you will tell me to see a doctor... that is the best possible choice and I know that but first of all I'm to embarrased to even mention it to my parents let-alone a doctor. This is the first time this has happened and I am 15, so I am just wondering If this will just go away sometime soon if I let it be. If not what can I do(myself) to get this out of here.

Please tell me anything i need to know and share anything else you want with me on this topic.

Dear AC.....You have no need to feel embarrassed by showing your asshole to your doctor. He (or she) has seen much worse during medical school with the asshole of the cadaver they were dissecting. Northing is uglier than a pickled asshole.

Get over your embarrassment and let the good doctor take a look. You probably have an internal hemorrhoid for which an ointment or cream can be prescribed, in the meantime keep that asshole squeaky clean!!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

maybe it was a huge undigested corn nut !

aww man.. i was looking up pizza recipes and i got this page..

AC......This is an omen for you....this website discusses the ultimate destiny of your pizza, and also everything else you eat. Sign up and join in the fun.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

hey i took a shit a work the other day after having sum well derserved curry ;)
and as soon as i took it felt quite painful in my ass so il took alook after a few hours of pain and i discoverd a small swallon marble shape lump just next to my ass hole will it go away or not dont say ask a docter cause im not tht sort of person lol tap bk

Nope, it ain't going away, you are about to birth your twin brother, whom you assimilated during gestation. Enjoy.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Dear Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 07.20.2009. You don't need a doctor nearly as badly as you need an English teacher.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

err..i i discovered a small marble shaped lump on the very ende of my ass hole last week. its not at all painful, itchy or discomforting...? any ideas if its just a plain stye or not? and should i see a doctor or wait another week or two(it doesnt seem to be growing or anything)

I have one too.

If it doesn't pop, go see about it.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Vice grips, baby...the perfect cure.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.