calories per crap

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j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Meredythe asks:

How many calories does one burn when taking a crap? How many more calories is it when one has a constipated type crap?





Dear Meredythe,

In order to accurately calculate the number of calories burned when one is taking a dump, I must know your age and weight. For purposes of demonstration, I am going to guess your weight and age (I used to go to the fair a lot when I was younger, and those "Guess your Weight or Age booths really impressed me).

20 years old and 245 pounds. Was I close?

Anyway, my source tells me you would burn 19 calories assuming the above statistics, and allowing for 7 minutes drop time.

For a really constipated crap, you would burn approx 70 cals if it took 15 minutes to dump, and you REALLY worked at it.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












19 Comments on "calories per crap"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I can just see it now. Richard Simon's "Shittin' To The Oldies".

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Hue Janous's picture
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Dear Poonurse,

I had a buddy at University in England who ran a survey, asking people "if, when going to Numbers Twos, do you put skin to seat, or do you hover an inch off the seat?"

Personally, I put skin to seat and thought everyone else did as well. Then, about a year later, I accidentally burst in on my girlfriend's sister, who was in the act, and she was in fact hovering!

I never saw an outcome for this survey. Can you post an instant survey on your web site? I would love to know what the percentage is.

Happy New Year,

Hue Janous.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points
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Dear Hue Janous,

That sounds like a great idea for a poop poll, and I think I will put one up on the site shortly - probably in the next couple of days. If you would like to see the polls on this site, just scroll down the left column and you will see the current poll.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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If you're a hoverer, you might burn more calories because it's essentially a squat that you're performing for an extended amount of time. That'd be a cool poll, AB2K. I'm not a germophobe, so I put cheeks to seat (come on, NO ONE has horrific germs on the backs of their thighs. It's your hands that are gross). And I always wash my hands...that's all you need to do.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

hayley's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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funny stuff shit volcano .... Richard Simmons shittin to the oldies!!!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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Poonurse, how many calories are in an average turd?

As I understand it, about a third of what we eat each day comes out as poo, and I also understand that the average turd of a healthy person in Western society contains (among other things marginally less pleasant) more vitamins and minerals than the average third world child consumes in a week. Therefore, it stands to reason that if there is a vitamin content of poo, there must be a calorific content too. I have no desire to consume my poo or allow anyone to consume mine (even as part of a calorie controlled diet) but out of idle curiosity, and perhaps to give us all something to think about as we sit in our comfortable homes, digesting our overly calorific meals until they get flushed away from our hygienic and sanitary bathrooms, how many calories would the average healthy western stool contain, compared to one in the third world?

Just a thought, y'understand.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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So.....are you sort of hinting that we could package up (or more expensively, recycle) our bourgeois, decadent, calorie filled western turds and export them as aid to starving African countries? An idea that might save the world.

The voice of sanity

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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No TB. I'm just pondering the fact that our decadent western diets mean that we probably shit out more calories in a day than someone in Somalia or somewhere similar might actually consume. Food for thought, that's all, no moralising.

Gotta admit though, you've hit upon a novel idea TB. After all, Africa's been a dumping ground for the shit we don't want for years. It's not that much of step forward to make it literal rather than metaphorical... ;-)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Could that explain all the Indian children with their hands out in Dave's pictures?

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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No, I think they're asking him for टॉयलेट पेपर

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Possibly...but more likely it`s this मुझे अपना बटुआ दे

The voice of sanity

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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He wouldn't keep his TP in there, surely? Then again, it's probably worth more than rupees.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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KFC turds leave an oil slick on the surface of the water in your commode. They are obviously of high caloric value.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points
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Whoa! El Scumbag has invented Soylent Brown!

Thunder Cunt's picture
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Explosive diaheria destroyed my toilet, I am currently sueing Hometown Buffett

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i wish i could poop all my calories out and lose 15 pounds real fast

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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One must factor if net caloric consumption, if you are eating while dumping there could be a net gain !

Anonymous's picture
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I hover on public seats, when I'm at home I sit.

Anonymous's picture
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So how many calories would a 19 y/o 115lb girl burn while pooping? Answers for diarrhea, normal, and constipation please.