my girlfriend won't/can't poop away from home

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Owen asks:

My girlfriend can't poop outside of her home or apartment at school. Is there anything I can do to help her along and also what are the harms, so she knows, of going days without passing.






Dear Owen,

Thanks for the question!

I can understand where your girlfriend is coming from, as I won't poo either, away from familiar facilities unless there is absolutely no other way out.

Case in point: Last weekend, Mr. Poonurse and I were invited "Up North" for a snowmobiling weekend. (I have never been snowmobiling, and have not particularly ever wanted to) But we were invited by friends, and for various reasons we wound up going.

They had a BEAUTIFUL cabin in the woods. The kind of place that makes you realize how hopelesslly squalid and horrible your own house is. I considered the snowmobiling part just the price I had to pay to get away for a few days. We had to board all the dogs, at a cost of damn near $260. This made me cranky to begin with, seeing how we are in the middle of a bankruptcy and I am apparently the ONLY ONE who is trying to be careful with our money. Plus, not only do I not like snowmobiling, I don't like snow. And this place had snow up the whazoo. I mean, like 4 feet of snow in some places.

Anyway, I had too much coffee the first morning, and it triggered the urge for a tremendous poo (hadn't gone the day before, what with fighting with Mr. Poonurse about the weekend outing and all). I successfully fought the poo urge all through the day snowmobiling. For the record, let me tell you that I just DON'T GET SNOWMOBILING! I mean, these people are insane. Hour after hour of pounding up and down, up and down, up and down these little hilly things, like whoop-te-doos, that made you think your arms were going to fall off, your teeth were fracturing from the repeated impact with your lower jaw, and your thumb was permanently paralyzed from trying to keep on the gas...I just don't understand the appeal. There were also complicated hand signals they tried to teach me, for when other snowmobilers were passing your group. I gave up, and gave the only "hand signal" I could remember, which was the middle finger salute. Turns out many snowmobilers don't have a sense of humor about this.

Anyway, after about 8 hours of "fun", I gave up and headed back without the group. I was done, and could now cross "snowmobiling" off my list of things to do before I die. Been there, done that...I had no intentions of going back out there into a wintery hell.

But now, alone in the house, the urge to poop returned. I recognized that there was no way I could defeat this urge for 2 more days. I would have to go. As there was no one home, I felt I could accomplish my mission unheard, unseen, and unsmelled.

I unloaded a very unfeminine log in a noisy, smelly, yet satisfying manner. I had to use copious amounts of TP to clean up the aftermath. (after all, I'M not paying for it, right?) As soon as I flushed, I knew there was going to be trouble. It wouldn't go down! Damn low flow toilets...they should be banned, I say. I didn't panic immediately. Surely people who had such a nice vacation home would have a plunger somewhere! I searched high and low. No dice. No plunger anywhere. I moved into survival mode, as they would be returning soon. I resorted to something I had had to do years before in a similar situation. Locating the closet, I selected a sturdy coathanger that I thought suitable for the job. Steeling myself for the task at hand, I set to work.

Yes, I stirred and chopped up the turd/toilet paper soup up into manageable (I hoped) pieces. I gave a test flush. The water rose, swirled slightly, and receded a little. Most of the bigger pieces went on to their watery graves, but there was still evidence left over. I kept at it methodically, chopping and flushing, until at last there was no more brown to be seen. The toilet still wasn't flushing right, but at least no one would be able to pin it on ME, which is the whole point. I thought about what to do with the coat hanger, and decided that it wouldn't be right to simply put it back with my fecal molecules still on it, so I took it outside and threw it in a large snowdrift. I figured by the time the snow melted, no one would be able to link it to us.

I assumed an innocent pose on the couch, watching TV, when the group returned. We went out to dinner eventually, and returned quite late. As luck would have it, Mr. Poonurse was the first to use the commode when we got back. YES. He was taking a dump! I heard the toilet flush, and heard him say "Oh, shit". He ran to get me, and I acted appropriately outraged that he had clogged up these nice people's toilet. I made him go ask them for a plunger, which they had to go out and BUY, or no one would have been able to go to the bathroom.

Serves them all right, in my mind. #1--I don't like snowmobiling. And, #2--everyone should have a plunger.

So tell your girlfriend not to trust toilets away from home. They can force you to do sickening things.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












19 Comments on "my girlfriend won't/can't poop away from home"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Ha ha ha!!! Love the poo story, Poonurse. You were a little more honest and considerate about the situation than I would have been. I would have crapped and left the crap where it was. Then when the guys got home I'd act really mad and say that someone left a huge turd clog in the toilet and I haven't been able to go all day. An argument usually ensues and one of the men finally goes and unclogs my dookie. No work needed, and no dirty coathangers left laying around. :-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PigsCantPoop's picture
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Hey Poonurse, if you're ever in a similair situation in regards to toilets not being able to flush your results, just find a bucket somewhere, fill it with water and dump it in the toilet as quickly as possible, while making sure to minimise splash-back. A nice manual, far more effective, flushing technique.

Turds77's picture
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I was snowmobiling up north the other day, having a good time and rode by this quaint cabin....suddenly I was thrown from my "sled"! After I gathered myself up I examined the machine only to find a hanger lodged in the track of the snowmobile! As I attempted to pull it out, it cut me. Within 24 hours I had a major infection going on that the doctor said could only have entered my body by way of feces.........Now you know the rest of the story. Damn that PooNurse!!

PoopDeLoop's picture
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That was very funny :-D

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Turds77, it was I who planted the deadly coathanger. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Northy's picture
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Fantastic, I had a similar situation at home with proper plumbing, the turd would not go away yet the water rised. I tried bleach, bog brush everything. I was about to go to bed so I was just in boxers. The toilet is next to my sisters room and her friend was there. After hearing multiple flushes and my cursing the log they came out to ask what was wrong. After explaining my situation the 3 of us set to work. After leaving it for 30mins we realised the bleach didn't work. So we used the bog brush. In a tight battle the turd won as it would not brake up. So we used her coat hanger. Scuped it away from the hole it blocked choped and stirred, wreching the whole time and then EVENTUALLY it went away. Sisters mate has never forgotted the time she helped flush away my turd. One of my finest moments as it takes a fantastic effort to block british plumbing - although it is getting easier as I get older

Latus Rectum's picture
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I wonder if what your girlfriend has is parcopresis (shy bowel syndrome). It sounds an awful lot like it. I would recommend she check out http://home.freeuk.net/parcopresis/ and see if that sounds like it describes her problem.

turd_man__from_alcatraz's picture
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I figure if someone refuses to poop away from home, a little Miralax slipped into everything they drink will solve the problem real quick. :-)

meowpoo's picture
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when i was a kid i was afraid to use public bathrooms. the odd thing is, after my best friend moved to california in 4th grade i started useing public bathrooms.

-- what smells? shit!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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turdman, giving someone Miralax without his knowledge or consent is practicing medicine without a license. If it interacts with something else that person is taking, it could make big trouble for him. Even just the normal effects of a laxative, with no interaction effects, if it happens at a bad place or time, could make him have an extremely embarrassing or unsanitary experience. If you want someone to take a laxative, talk to him about it.

ShitMasterOfDisater's picture
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I have a similar story, Ita ll happened at my boyfriends house i stayed theer for 1 weeks without pooping and i really REALLY had to go i actually thought my belly would explode , but anyways i thought if i go for a shower that would be a great excuse to shit without him noticing so there i was naked shitting away ilet out a great fart i covered it upo by a load cough hoping he wouldnt notice. Phewwww I done the biggest shit i have ever seen in my life it was hakf the size of his humungos toilet bowl , i flushed happily thinking wow am glad thats over >) BUT oh no i didnt happen as easy as tht,as soon as it started to flush i seen it swirling round and round rising higher and then it was at the top of the bowl a big shit just floating there :o suddenly its swirled out and landed on the floor on his WHITE carpet yes white :( there i was naked in the toilet with a huge shit on the floor staring at me i heard him calling You ok in there :S Fine i replied shaking vigerously how would i get rid of the evidence i thouight to myself only one way i would have to eat it :| then i thought no way its not tht bad i could just flush it again after breaking it into pieces with my bear hands as there was no fucking TP !!! it then flushed happily away and i was delighted i thought to myself what a relief i finished my shower and left the bathroom :) But as i did i opened it to see his cat gazing its evil little eyes to mine it it then hissed then strolled away,i walked out and then i saw what it had done.. i had just stood on the a huge slog of cat shit and rubbed it all over the carpet how would i explain this to my bf :o i then thought to my self fuck it al tell him the truth i stood on his cat shit and stomped it in to the hall and bathroom carpet i thought this would be a good plan as i could put the blme on his creepy little cat, i informed him of what happened he looked at me went to the bathroom and screamed this is not cat shit !!! I was horrified , Funnily enough we are not in a relationship anymore lol but i am glad to have overcome my fear of shit :) xx

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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ShitMasterOfDisater....Congratulations on your post which is probably the longest sentence in the history of poop report.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

johnjohn's picture
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Yeah I suppose snowmobiling appeals to the adventurous types of all ages but I suspect it's mostly youngins game(?). Don't know never been interested in it either.
About your dumping dilemma to me it sounds like a story with a good outcome low flow toilet aside. I hope to one day only worry about was how the crap was gonna flush down.

I have that problem of not being able to dump away from home unless certain condition apply. If I'm at a hotel etc. it's easier but then if my wife, kids, etc. anyone else are in the room and hovering about it's hard for me to just "go" can't figure it out. Really bothersome and can make my vacays less enjoyable at times. Exception if everyone is asleep I can usually accomplish the deed. Interestingly enough when my kids were toddlers I was ever the vigilant watchdog parent but oddly enough when we were on vacay hotel. rented house etc. I could dump away no problem when they were awake still easier back then when everyone slept.Even at home in a house with the luxury of 3 bathrooms one of them pretty much dedicated to me I can still have problems going when people are in the house. Really my problem is psychological and over my years have dealt with it trouble free dumping but this year has been somewhat problematic in that regard...again...great story Poonurse thanks for sharing:-)

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Snowmobiles. I do so dislike them. Many is the time I would cross country ski off where (I thought) nobody would be. Lay out an insolite pad, with some cheese, bread, and some wine, and enjoy the beautiful solitude of nature. Off in the distance, here comes the whining of engines. Now, older, and no wiser, I sail off to a quiet cove, only to be invaded by sea-doos. The wet equivalent of the snow machines. I have not figured out yet if the enjoyment comes from the hobby itself, or the irritation they see on everyone else's faces.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I agree squat.....Off road vehicles are not only disruptive to those who want to commune with nature they are environmentally destructive. If you want to enjoy nature you should make as little negative impact as possible. I'm not familiar with snowmobiles but 4 wheelers in Tennessee cause a lot of erosion.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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open your fuckin mind you fucking tree huggers.Snowmobiling is awesome.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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AC ... I here that jumping from planes with no parachute is also awesome, why don't you try that?

Also what is the correct spelling of the "f" word, is it "fuckin", or "fucking", you have it both ways.


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Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

DirtyPooper's picture
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Hi my story is that one time I was just skiing when stick or a metal thing cut my hand and it got a really infected and I had to have my hand cut off completely.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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DirtyPooper ... Does this mean that you typed this awesome comment with only one hand? Do you now find it difficult to wipe your ass? Have you learned to wipe using your feet? Is that you I smell?


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!