itchy ass crack

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Shecky asks:

For the last two months, my ass has been itching like crazy. I eat a lot of fiber in the form of Metamucil and whole wheat bread, so my turds are generally of a good consistency. I don't have hemmorhoids, and I would like to think that I don't have a parasite, but my ass still itches. It's not the o-ring that itches, but rather the area around it. It's almost like I have jock itch of the ass -- is that possible? I exercise a good bit, so it does get sweaty down there. Please help me, Poonurse!

Dear Schecky,

First, you know that I am going to tell you to get it checked out by a competent medical professional, right? It could be just an irritation, or it could be something as disgusting as pinworms or something. So see a doctor.

You COULD briefly try washing with a mild soap such as Ivory, letting the area dry well, wearing loose cotton underpants, not using premoistened wipes, and applying 1% hydrocortisone cream SPARINGLY to the itchy area twice a day. If these suggestions don't help within ten days or so, show your itching ass to a doctor.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

990 Comments on "itchy ass crack"

Anonymous's picture

I have been using Vick's Vapor rub ointment for itchy ass syndrome, aka monkey butt, dry itchy nuts, inflamed penal foreskin, hemorrhoids and the terrible pain that I sometimes get a couple hours after a BM, which I found comes from the bacteria infecting the bleeding tissue.

I don't have normal BM's sometimes for 4-6 days, so I have known the Magnesium Citrate routine for over 68 years now. I also use Epsom salts for constipation. Both are things my Mother taught me back when I was a little kid and she saw that I had inherited her BM problems.

Get a plastic box of wet wipes or baby wipes, and pour an entire pint of Witch Hazel in on them to make them really dripping wet, it works miracles to keep you clean and you can get the little travel packs too, for work, travel, etc.

The Epsom salts also pass easily through the skin, so soaking your feet, and putting a cup or two in a shallow bath to soak in does wonders for all forms of "crotch rot". Since it is so readily absorbed through the skin it will also work for constipation without having to mix up 3 teaspoons in a glass of water to drink, but drinking it works the fastest for sure, and with less repercussions (literally) to set the gut grenade bomb off than MC.

Oh, and it's great fertilizer for tomato plants too! Go figure?

Anonymous's picture

Seriously, I have had bad itchy ass for a few weeks now. I used to think it was caused by not wiping well. However, I have been using baby wet wipes for a while and it hasn't gone away. Even hydrocortisone cream doesn't help.

This sucks!

Anonymous's picture

Try using one at a time Original Boudreaux's Butt Paste , Maximum Strength Hydrocortisone, Vick's Vapor Rub, or Jock Cream. If nothing work pour a few drops of bleach in a cup of water pour it on a clean white rag or paper towel and pat in on the area. Try the bleach and water first.

Anonymous's picture

My butt and perineum have recently started itching and won't stop. I'm anal (no pun intended) about being clean and fresh so it is not because I have poo poo on my butt.
I've been using Vaseline but it doesn't help. I've recently started applying Tea Tree Oil all over the area. I'm hoping this will go away soon.
I know it's best not to scratch but it's so freakin itchy. I scratch till I'm completely raw and it burns but at least it takes care of the itching for a few minutes.
It's especially difficult at work, as I will "camp out" for a good ten minutes every hour to rub myself.

Anonymous's picture

As I battled this foe around my ass, I have gathered personal info. Do stay clean and dry. Not too dry. Keep away from the baby powder to dry your slimy ass or you too will loose a layer of skin off your nut sack. Keep up the fight!

Anonymous's picture

Use wipes and add some baby oil and then it will help you.

Anonymous's picture

Okay, I have the solution for most of you. The only reason your ass itches is because it's irritated. Why is it irritated? Because you scratch the hell out of it while you sleep without knowing. You will see that the more you're stressed the more you scratch. Just like people that grind there teeth when they sleep.

So the more you scratch the more it's itchy and the more you will damage you ass crack until you go crazy. I had this for 20 years and found the solution. There's a cream thats called TIAMOL creme fluocinonide usp 0.05%, put a very thin amount on your ass crack two times a day and around your anus. The itching will go away within a week.

If you have really damaged your ass you can tie up your hands at night so you don't scratch. If you can't sleep with the hands tied then tape a peace of cardboard on your ass so when you sleep if you scratch you will not irritate the skin but only scratch the board.

Do this and you will be okay, trust me I know the feeling of wanting to put a metal brush on a drill and shove it up my ass. Or scratching to the point it feels better then an orgasm.

Yes I do still bleed a little when I wipe my ass too hard so go gentle and take a shower if you have time after your bowel movement.

Good recovery.

Anonymous's picture

I have the same thing and found out they are hemorrhoids.

Anonymous's picture

You are a sick individual. just thought we needed to establish that. First things first.