itchy itchy itchy

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Winnie the Poo asks:

Since about twenty days ago, I've had this weird sweaty-burning sensation in my butthole all day long, and the itching is killing me (scratching 24/7 is not nice...). Please tell me -- am I going to die?? What did I do to deserve this? And most of all, how can I get rid of it?





Dear Winnie,

First of all, relax. An itchy bunghole is rarely fatal, unless you resort to extremes such as using a blowtorch or power sander.

You can first try simple measures, such as using gentle baby wipes to clean the area after each visit to the bathroom; wearing old lady cotton underpants (or loose cotton jockeys if you are a guy, which I hope you aren't if you are signing yourself Winnie the Poo); and using (sparingly) baby cornstarch in the area.

If these things don't help, go see a doctor. You might have yeast or something down there.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

168 Comments on "itchy itchy itchy"

Anonymous's picture

Here's the story of my miracle cure for itchy anus...

I had the itch for years after it suddenly appeared in my 20's. Don't know what caused it, but it got so bad I couldn't sleep at night. I asked a doctor about it and all he did was prescribe a pre-op sedative so I could sleep. This was an unacceptable workaround. Another doctor thought I might have worms, and he gave me worming pills--no help at all. It sometimes got worse after drinking beer, and I wondered if it might be a fungal thing, like jock itch. Still, no over-the counter-creams or ointments helped.

One day I was talking about the itch with a buddy who didn't mind talking about personal manly issues like butt problems. The next day he brought me a tube of diaper rash medication his kid's doctor had prescribed. I applied this cream to my anus and bingo......a miracle cure. The cream, available only by prescription in the U.S.: nystatin and triamcinolone acetonide. I can't promise it will work for everyone, but it works for me. I only need it rarely now, sometimes after I drink lousy beer, or if I wear synthetic fabric athletic shorts for too long. Good luck.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My asshole is somewhat pretentious and prefers a shot or two of Wild Turkey Bourbon. If it is particularly itchy it demands a shot of Lemonhart 151 Proof Demerara Rum, not only does that kill the itch but if you stick a few tropical fruits up the old hole at the same time your crack will smell like a delightful Planters Punch.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

Anything with a high alcohol content works. Hand sanitizers, Listerine, straight rubbing alcohol. Sometimes my ass itches so insanely bad I contemplate shoving a bottle brush in there and working it until the itch is finally gone. I have even started using pretty rough toilet paper so I have some good traction and I use a fairly heavy hand with it. Then I just squirt some hand sanitizer onto my hand and slap it into my crack and hole.

Anonymous's picture

Anybody hear about pinworms? My little brother got them when he was a boy- we suspect from playing in the ballyard at the Playplace @ McDonald's.

Anonymous's picture

Sounds hot if only your name wasn't "balls and bum scratcher!"

Anyhow, I got the itchy butt a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure how you rank the itch classes yet but it's bad. I don't like doctors or showing my butthole to doctors so whenever I wake up from all the itching, I just take the after-shave perfume from the shelf near the bed and fire in the hole. I need a better, permanent solution.

Anonymous's picture

I tried benadryl itch stopping cream, it wont take away the itch completely but you will be able to fall asleep

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for sharing

Anonymous's picture

Need an exorcism!

Anonymous's picture

itchy butt that is cured by rubbing alcohol is perhaps a yeast infection? Follow application of alcohol with anti yeast cream..

Anonymous's picture

I'm a healthy, fit, succesful, mid 40's male. I'm married and eat well.I've got no gym problems and I shower daily. I'm terribly sorry to say that, despite all your very best efforts to describe how bad your itches are, compared to me, you are all amatuer arse scrathers. I've had the problem for 20 years! I've seen pharmacists, doctors, specialists, eaten worm and fungal pills, wiped creams of all different nature but nothing bloody works. I've even had minor hems removed in case they were the cause. Nope. My arse itch has graduated to my balls and to the entire canyon of my butt. I appreciate the cat scratch pole and freddy kruger comments above my young padwan fireds but let me tell you all, to get pure (temporary) relief you need to blast almost boiling water on the itchy areas with your shower hose. Follow that by a drying session with a magnum hairdryer set on full lava heat. Stings, sears, burns but gets rid of the itch for about 24 hours. Then you need to repeat - for years. I really appreciate the comments fom you all and will go direct to pharmacy to get withches hazel gel and rubbing alcohol. I plan to mix the two together and apply them generously and vigourously with a wire brush. I'm actually looking forward to the pain - it can't be as bad as boiling water, surely? Anything is better than the constant itch. Someone should write a book about this.

Anonymous's picture

Wow. I've been putting up with a persistent Class 5 Itchpocalypse of the ass for the last 3 weeks (I suspect mine is caused by ulcerations from wiping too hard). Tried the alcohol because I've tried everything else to no avail.

It works! It hurts like a mofo soaked in gasoline and lit on fire, but it works! For the first time in 3 weeks, I'm ITCH-FREE! Thank you, guys!

balls and bum scratcher's picture

I have an itchy vagina and butt! My arsehole is so itchy all the time, the best thing to relieve this I find is to put the shower setting on a powerful jet, then get down in the doggy style position, arching my back and sticking my bum in the air and aiming the shower jet right at my arsehole, stings like crazy for the first few seconds then feels so soothing afterwards, I also do this to the entrance of my vagina and afterwards dab it dry with towel then apply cream, itching solved for e few hours, then I repeat.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I'm not sure if it's still made AC but I think that Hai Karate Aftershave would kick the smell off your stinking a-hole. If your getting on in years you might try Old Spice to freshen the pucker in your wrinkled old patootie.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

AC, if alcohol works for you, then try after shave. It's mostly alcohol anyway, but with the added benefit of a nice fragrance. Try Clubman. Your ass will smell like you just came from the barber shop.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Alcohol works. I just recently began having this crazy itchyness, I tried everything! Prep h, cortazone, all the anti itch bs...they worked for maybe 2 hours then the itch was back and worse than ever...I was desperate so i said what the hell and tried alcohol without reading about it helping anywhere. It burnt horribly with slight contact of the skin so i knew it was killing something! I then rubbed it all over the area it burnt again for about 5-10 minutes, but after that it just feels like heaven.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I have difficulty washing my hands quiet; the running water always makes noise. I'm glad the alcohol thing worked. Noxzema helps for me, as does Balneol.

Anon's picture

Back again. The alcohol thing worked wonderfully! The relief was prolonged to well over 14 hours.

PS. Prairie Dog -- I did wash my hands quiet frequently.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Anon,by the looks of things, you've appeared to post a rather lengthy comment without having to stop and scratch your ass. I'm sure your keyboard smells nice now too. Good luck.

PS, have you tried Witch Hazel? Less painful, and probably more effective. Or do you just like to scream?

Anon's picture

I've given the rubbing alcohol a shot. It burned like crazy on the first application. I could only bare the pain a few seconds, maybe 10-30.

After the short bit of pain, it was relief. It went away for about thirty minutes, at the first twinge (honestly much much much less than I've felt in a very long time) I went up and reapplied. This time I stuck through the pain, spreading my cheeks I worked the alcohol soaked toilet paper through. I held on though the pain, with the application for over a minute.. Now there is a more prolonged relief. If I have to do this every day, for a week or a month -- but get the amount of time away from scratching my ass & being able to go out without multiple trips to the bathroom.. It will be worth it.

I hope eventually it will go away, I think it will over time if the relief I've been having is any indication.

Even though I laughed multiple times through this entire read through, it's been worth it. Because I've been suffering from this for at least a year now. Even with all the suffering, I still find it funny as hell... If I ever had to tell someone of this issue I'm sure I'd laugh as I told them. Anyway, thanks.

Anonymous Coward's picture

At first I was skeptical of the alcohol idea. This has been plaguing me for a few weeks now, and I'm not NEARLY old enough to be having swamp ass issues already.

Anyways, I tried the alcohol and HOLY FUCKING OW. Even going into it knowing it would hurt, I was screaming "FUCK FUCK FUCK" at my toilet for a good five minutes, but no more itch! Totally worth it.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

While I agree that alcohol kills many things, it cannot cure you of pinworms, and some of the people who have itchy butt have pinworms.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

No mo pain's picture

OK Fools. This is how its done. take a shower,clean your problem area. them put some alchol on some toilet paper. put it up there as long as you can,up to a minute.Then after you use #2 again ,you clean as good as you can and use the alcohol again. You will feel relief after the first use. Unbelievable Relief. after about 2 to 3 days . Its gone.. You Will feel free again there.Now it dose burn.That means its cleaning. Alcohol KILLS everything.. BUT IF YOU GOT HEMRIODS DONT DO THIS. Get on e-bay and look for a product named Hemrelief.It costs 40$ a jar of around 100 pills,,I think, That stuff works too...Real good....OK World go clean up with alchol.. YOU REALY WONT BE SORRY...... NO MORE PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Anonymous Coward's picture

What's the matter with a bunghole when you think you've pooped everything yet it's really just a lil bit further down the pipe but not out?
i tried using a camera but i just see lots of hair and yellow skin.

Anonymous Coward's picture

read the comments here with great interest
as i have myself sufferd like this all my life
and its not fun. Although I never realised
there were so many of us(millions of people
must suffer like this every day...
I have tried all the creams, going to the doctor, it certainly nothing to do with worms.
I did at one time make things worse by using
a anticeptic, like Detol... NOT RECOMENDED..
I have tried many things ( the garlic sounds
good, but i am not so keen on garlic...
If I suffer now I rub in COLGATE TOTAL plus
whitening toothpaste. This cools the area, and relieves the itching. I have also found it
useful for other areas which itch from time
to time. Its also half the price of special
skin creams!

asstronaught's picture

Tried the rubbing alcohol last night and I have to say it was amazing.

After suffering for 2 yrs with a category 5 itchy ass, this has to be by far the best treatment I've tried (cortizone and prep H previously).

No itch all night long, and used it again after showering in the morning before going to work. Throughout the day I would get slight tingles here and there but nothing close to wanting to burn my corn hole with a flame thrower.

I'm going to continue this treatment for a week for two and see if I can find eternal relief.

Here's my method, first I dab the cotton ball on the area to get the initial launch into space, once the pain wears off then I go in for the kill by thoroughly rubbing the cotton on all the region to makes sure I get everywhere. The burn the second time won't be as bad as the first (ymmv).

GL and may your fingers no longer stink!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Holy cow! I was doubtful but now need to plant myself squarely in the alcohol camp! It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected and now the area just feels numb. I was squirming from 8 am till 20 min ago. Omg, sweet relief!

Anonymous Coward's picture

had this problem for about two years, just recently found out the cure. I clean the area with Hibiclens in the shower and then dry thoroughly when i get out. Then i put a little New Skin liquid bandage on the area to heal any cuts or fissures that had formed..the cuts went away after the first day of use and the itching has gone away with them! too bad i didnt think of this earlier, i could have saved myself two excruciating years, but i am glad it is gone now

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

JBG, You might go back to 12.26.2009 and read what crazy butt had to say,2.12.2010 and check out jessica boyd's comment, or the AC who posted on 2.12.2010. Lastly ITCH FREE had a few words on the subject 2.17.2010.

Your post was the most comprehensive but worms had been discussed before as a possible cause of itchy starfish.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

JBG's picture

I have been reading many of these responses and I have to make a comment. Itching anus is extremely uncomfortable and irritating, first of all, and not scratching would be even more irritating. As I was reading the comments I didn't see anyone suggested that it might be parasites (worms). They lay eggs at night and while they move around cause itchy anus. i'd suggest that you guys get checked for that. Believe it or not every one of us have worms but if they overgrow the good bacteria and our immune system isn't protecting us from them can cuase a lot of health prob....so go to the dr. request to be checked for worms and they'll give you one pill and that's it.
Any person that has pets in the home should do deworming themselves and their pets twice a year. Research about it and you'll see I'm right!!!
Good luck

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Mr Dip -- that was hilarious! One question: when spitting, are you still in the half-inverted supine position?

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

ItchyButtHole's picture

Has anyone ever tried AnaNoItch or "Assuage" Itch-no-more? I googled anal itch and those products came up. There are some pretty crazy testimonials on there that sound a lot like this site. Someone try and report back.

Mr Dip's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I like to regularly engage in a practice known as "Butt Gargling". Take off your pants, get in the floor and throw your legs back over your head. Then pour a capful of Scope into your bunghole. Gargle, spit and rinse. It takes quite a bit of effort and sphincter control to learn how to actually gargle (and spit) the liquid, but the results are incredibly rewarding: a fresh feeling, non-itchy asshole- and cool minty farts as well!

If you really want the ultimate Wintergreen experience for your ass, finish off the treatment by tucking a Breath Saver mint just inside your o-ring. The cool, refreshing feeling will last for hours. And you'll practically shit York Peppermint Patties. It's heavenly!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had anal itch for several weeks and started washing after each bodily function and carefully drying the area and applying the remedy that I was trying at the time. I tried everything I could think of, that relatives could think of and some remedies from the Internet to no avail. Witch Hazel didn't help at all. I was so desperate that I grabbed the alcohol and splashed a handful all over the outside of my anus and then proceeded to go through the roof of my house! Eeee-Yeowwwwww! But, by golly, there was no more itch that night and into the next day. I repeated the process for several days... including going through the roof each time...but I don't itch at all. I am enjoying being itch-free and hoping it doesn't come back. I don't know what 'cured' it. Maybe it just seared the area over so much that I have no feeling there. :) Now, I am a little concerned if continued use of alchohol on the outside of that sensitive area could develop problems later...just in case the itch comes back.

Anonymous Coward's picture

The one main thing I get from all this (apart from laughing till I feel sick) is that I am not alone because believe me I did begin to wonder. My problems stemmed (I Believe)from an anal stretch op I had some 20 odd years ago the purpose of which was to stop the intense itch that developed one day and never went away. Its tacky but it involves inserting a glass dildo type device up your butt to keep it stretched. 20 years later and nothing has changed..discharges, blood and gunge ...intense pain and relief from scratching, humiliation from all the secretive rubbing that all who know can happen at any time, nothing works except scratching and that's only temporary. The one hope i now have is a new lotion called HEAL which was developed by docs to heal scar tissue, very expensive but what price relief. I will keep you posted. As an epilogue the alcohol is perhaps the most intense pain I have ever suffered and as I have had a compound fracture , a triple bypass and a fractured spine is quite a revealing statement. However if you wish to top that try TCP. Its so intense you may feel as if you are about to go into orbit and I swear I nearly blacked out but it worked and I got a nights sleep. As I said previously "What price relief"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear buttbot ... My but we seem a little on the surly side today. Perhaps you need to see doctor number four.

It also wouldn't hurt if you also saw an English teacher and got some help with your obvious writing problems, proper use of uppercase letters, punctuation, spelling, etc.

You may have overlooked the purpose of this site which is poop humor not medical advise dispensing.
Hope your ass gets better.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

buttbot's picture

been to three different doctors..not like iam trying to spread something around here..and if ya dont have anything helpful to say...then keep your comments to yourself..

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

"I figure if it was worms I would have passed it on to my girlfriend by now."

What, were you waiting until she started complaining that her nether regions were on fire, just to see if you should worry about your own?? That's just nasty. Go to a doctor. And tell your girlfriend about whatever the doctor says--she has the RIGHT to know.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Eight months of misery and you come to a humor site for help? I really think a doctor would be your best chance for a cure.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

buttbot's picture

Had the itchy ass thing for about 8 months now. Showed up out of the blue, but it came with erection problems too and orgasms feel different. Even masturbation problems, I struggle to get off. Sometimes my bag itches too and sometimes it feels like I have prickles under my skin. Even my sex drive has changed. I figure if it was worms I would have passed it on to my girlfriend by now. I don't now what to do, Iv'e been on antibiotics three different times, tried creams and yeast pills, nothing works It's driving me nuts, it feels like my anus is spongy sometimes and some dull pain in the lower abdomen and lower back. PLEASE HELP!

itchybitchyme's picture

To the posters saying they take a dump and then even hours later have to wipe away poo...I have that too and was diagnosed with a "rectocele". Which can also make the butt itch because the poo keeps seeping from the butt. Check it out...hope this helps someone.

afterburner's picture

for five years i have been itching till the hairs on my ass fall off and though this was just what happens if your a guy once you get past 23 years old. i thought perhaps i had permanently damaged my asshoe by over-scratching - irritating the skin further and causing pubes to fall out. Tonight i decided to declare war on my butt - so i put so aftershave on it...BOOM chooo! choo! the alhohol in the aftershave caused an instant burning sensation and i almost went through the ceiling....followed by heavenly peace on buttdom. The subsequent applications are far less spectacular but the pain is most pleasant in a relieving sort of way..knowing that the little ithcers are being annihilated. i cant comment on how this will work long term butt from what others have said it might just be the remedy. Good luck fellow butt scratchers.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

John ... Are you sure you weren't just in prison and that was Bubba rather than Sharzbot?


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

JOHN P AHOLEE's picture

I was abducted by aliens and anally probed 2 years ago. Before that my ass itched all the time, nothing could stop it. After the alien abduction and probing my ass stopped itching and it feels great. I recommend you try to get abducted by aliens and have them probe you . My alien's name was Sharzbot ask for him .

alcohol user's picture

I have suffered with itchy ass for years; I have tried everything. I just put alcohol on my ass and it stings like CRAZY, but guess what, no more itch. so far. i will let ya'll know if it continues to keep the itch at bay.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Reminds me of the South Park episode where they sell people special underwear to handle the anal bleeding caused by eating Chipotle, and the people of course buy that underwear to "solve" the problem... instead of simply stopping eating Chipotle.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Just Put Rubbing Alcohol on my A-hole's picture

I have suffered for 4 years with Anal fissures and an extremely itchy asshole. The itching gets so bad that I have torn through multiple pairs of underwear and will itch (against my will) until everything is Raw and sometimes bleeding. To all the people that are commenting and think that this is something that will go away with switching soap or simply not itching........... You seriously have no idea what the rest of us are going through.

It would be like me putting a bumble bee on your eyeball......having it sting you and then telling you to not touch it or rub your eye.

Like a lot of you I have talked to multiple Doctors and have heard advice ranging from ....."Just dont itch it" to using creams, to taking medicine for pinworms etc. None of this Shit works.

After reading the posts above and being desperate for a solution.....I just stuffed one of my wifes tampons soaked in Rubbing Alcohol up my ass. The burning was unbeleivable! It only lasted for about 5 minutes and now I am feeling much better.

I hope this works.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I use benedryl spray for the itches. Whenever it flairs, I use it. Burns like the dickens if you have fresh flesh. I think it works three ways:
1) has cetyl alcohol: kills nasties
2) has anti-itch agents (the main use)
3) has zinc...protects skin and could also neutralize acid (useful for lactose intolerance types like me).

I think mine all started with my late adult onset, full blown lactose intolerance.

Anonymous Coward's picture

fuck this is bullshit. i alwaays hold out on the scratching but then as soon as i fall asleep i do it without even noticing.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Gold Bond medicated skin cream (in a bottle) is easier to apply than the powder and gives a sweet, soothing relief. Just get a small amount on a pad of toilet paper and rub it right on the anus, possibly as a last wipe after a bowel movement.

Anonymous Coward's picture

rubbing alcohol is somewhat toxic, so I would recommend using those tinctures you find in health food stores or online. They are usually about 90% pure organic grain or grape alcohol. I have been using a variety of herb tinctures, soaking a cotton ball or wad of TP. The one I use the most is Wormwood, or artemesia, which is an anti-fungal/parasite. The main relief comes from the alcohol, which burns quite a bit, but then all is well. I have also used high proof Vodka. Any spirit would be better than using isopropyl alcohol, (rubbing) which is some kind of petroleum product and can be fatal if ingested. Use pure organic grain/grape alcohol! One glug down the beerhole, one splash on the bunghole, repeat. I haven't tried this, but you could bend over a chair and have a friend shoot your bum with a waterpistol full of vodka while you sip some from a cup with a bendy straw. Couldn't hurt.

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