PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Concerned and backed-up asks:

I was recently informed of a 'health product', if you will which I
quote, was supposed to result in "humungous shits!". I expirienced nothing of this nature, so far... So tell me anyone if you have heard of kefir. If you have expirienced its phenomenon let me know. I am a regular shitter-at least once a day, and since ingesting this product about 4 days ago, I have taken no more than 3 measly shits. (okay, one was normal size, but nothing to write home about) anyways...this product is not to cause diarrhea or anything of the like. It is just supposed to make you have really big shits. so here i am waiting..if i could just shit the size i used to i would be happy. But now my cats shit is bigger than mine.
yours truly,
concerned and backed-up

Dear Concerned and Backed Up,

Kefir is basically a cultured bacterial product that also contains yeast. It is beneficial to the person using it because of the colonization of the good bacteria in the digestive system that results from the consumption of this stuff.

Kefir is intended for long-term continued use to promote a healthy environment in the digestive system. Like other health food supplements, the benefits from using them appear over a period of time, not overnight.

It is not intended to be used as a "colon cleansing" product.
In fact, the makers of this product recommend that before a person even begins to consume the kefir, that they first use some kind of colon cleansing product that is intended specifically for that purpose. In order for the bacteria in the kefir to be able to take up residence in the digestive tract, the intestines must be clear of any build-up.

It sounds as though you may have stopped yourself up with this stuff since you did not go through a cleansing process before taking the kefir. You should get some "colon blow", or some TNT or something and blow all that shit out of there and start all over.

Thanks for asking Motherload!

Motherload is a Certified Nurse Assistant as well as an IBS sufferer, which means she knows a lot about poop. Got a question for her? Ask it here.

27 Comments on "kefir?"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I vote for the TNT. Nothing like explosive diarrhea.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I've drunk kefir before. It's like very thick, liquid yogurt and comes in various flavors. As Motherload indicates, it's for the promotion of healthy bacterial cultures in your gut. I've never experienced any explosive output because of kefir. It's always been soothing to my system. I recommend it if you're interested in settling down your system.

But don't expect 'humongous shits.'

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Kefir sounds like a South African racial slur.
Why does this guy want to have large turds? It sounds like a fetish to me.
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Emir of Crapistan

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

If I drink some Kefir and get some good bugs growing in my pipe, can these beneficial bacteria be killed by something I consume, like hot pepper, opium, alcohol, etc.?

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Is there a product out there that genuinely delivers on its promise of helping a person produce big poo?

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

Metamucil. Without a doubt.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I think a lot of these "Colon health" products are being marketed to the Hypocolondriacs. It's assinine to think every turd will be the same or that you will achieve a certain uniformity with your poops. We inhale and ingest millions of bacteria each day and our bodies react accordingly. If you are stopped up always or haven't had a solid poo for months then quite likely a visit to a physician would be wise. My experience is that those people self medicating have a quack as their doctor.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Kefir has good bacteria (Acidophilous). These bacteria need time to colonise. Not every person is capable of producing huge turds. Different people, have different bowel capacities and even Kefir cannot change that.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'd never heard of kefir before I read this article. Wish I had known about it back when I was stupid enough to take that antibiotic that killed everything in my digestive tract. The doctor told me to eat yoghurt, but every time I tried I gagged. The stuff was disgusting. Of course, this was before I found the organic stuff without all the damn chemicals in it. Apparently, I was reacting to the added chemicals in the regular yogurt.

"That was a very disappointing party. I showed up and everyone left!"- Camille

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Jess's picture

I started drinking Kefir by Lifeway a few days ago... it's better than coffee! I've gone from no poop, to coffee poop (the gassy, fluffy kind, but I had to stop lest I become addicted to coffee just for the poop), back to no poop, to at least two well formed poops a day!

Yay kefir!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

From time to time when my system gets out of whack, I will return to kefir. I posted previously that I've tried it before, and it's worked well for me. It creates beneficial flora in your digestive tract.

If you like yogurt and don't mind a slightly tart taste, it's pretty tasty, too.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

AK's picture

for magically "clean" superpoop, take 2 tablespoons of psyllium husks a day. (in any liquid you like, doesn't matter)

Poopie Doopy's picture

I tried Kefir for the first time today, and I FILLED the toilet.... Wasn't explosive, just massive LOL!

Mud's picture

I just bought Kefir yesterday in the hopes that it will keep things going regularly. I try to start my day with a cup of cocoa with steamed milk. It seems to do the job, but when it doesn't I don't feel good at all. I used to drink cappuccino and take Oxy Powder but stopped because I didn't want my body to get use to strong stimulants. I'm hoping kefir is the wonder elixir that many claim it is.

Clogger's picture

I recently started drinking kefir as defense against antibiotics (which I had to take for my cold), and within days, voila! I've been famous for always doing huge #2 but it's really gotten huuuuge. One end is deep down the toilet bowl and the other end is sticking out of water, like a dog's tail. I wish I could post a photo of this morning's.

poopapalloza's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh shit Grasshopper.

Kaaa BOOOOM!'s picture

What I want to know is will kefir give you the shits when you first start drinking it?
Just bought some for the fist time. Drank about 6oz the first day, no problem. Day two had about 10oz then shit my pants twice. Sounds like men are working in my gut, can't stop farting, my ass feels like it's on fire. I just hope that this means this shit is working in a good way. Looking for some feed back!

philanthropic toad menu's picture

Kefir is said to give you the shits at 24 hours of fermentation
and a firm poo with a longer process , say after 4 days.
I find drinking it as soon as it is ready 24 hours gives me a decent runny poo.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I was thinking keffiyeh (Headgear in the Arab world) wondering how the hell you'd take that.

Anonymous's picture

I make kefir at home and willing to share the curds.

Anonymous's picture

I started a week ago with Bio-Kefir and every time after the drink I get horrible smelling gas.
I wonder why?

Anonymous's picture

I have been drinking home made kefir for about a year now. It took a while but now I poop everyday and at least one of the turds goes from the bottom of the tunnel to at least an inch out of the water laying up on the bowl. Before kefir I wasn't regular and when I did have to go it would be right then, no wasting time getting to the toilet and the product looked like thick mud. Another great benefit from kefir is the tangy smell of kefir farts they are great for crop dusting the office.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I never tried kefir but consume active bacteria on a regular basis with homemade kimchi. I like it when it gets really sour and use it for a base for miso soup after it reaches that state. I don't know if the size of my turds is increased because of this or not since I have been eating like this for about half a century and didn't keep any old turds around for comparison.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

First of all, thanks for the blog post; secondly, I'm sort of dyslexic and I fucking hate CAPTCHA!

I decided to buy some kefir starter and try it after reading a PubMed study that indicated beneficial results with IBS patients. I've got it, and have had it bad for almost 3 years now.

I just started making kefir a few days ago, and the change in my IBS is noticeable, and very positive. I have been having a much easier time on the old porcelain pony, and have visited there more often, which is better than it's been in the last 2 years.

I'm going to get some higher quality kefir grains to replace the starter powder, and see how that does. So far, so poopin' good.

Anonymous's picture

I just started making milk kefir this week from grains I purchased on Amazon. My system has been a wreck since getting chemo this summer for breast cancer. I didn't read the part about starting slowly to let your system adjust! I drank a whole glass with protein powder stirred in to kill the putrid taste. I've had explosive poops ever since. Like massive intestinal blow-outs! I feel like I have the flu. Looking for advice if I should keep at it drinking smaller amounts, or pitch it because my body is intolerant of it. I'm a Registered Nurse and find these 'super foods' aren't widely accepted in the medical profession. I'm so sick of having more and more drugs thrown at me to fight off adverse effects of chemo. I'd like to try more natural methods.
Finally- to the person that said 'Kefir farts are great for crop dusting the office' - you made my day and I laughed so hard my dog jumped off my lap and ran into his crate! Awesome!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Anonymous,

I was interested in your comment about having to kill the "putrid taste" of your kefir. I may have different taste perceptions than others but I have never noticed this "putrid taste." The taste reminds me of plain yogurt or Icelandic skyr both of which are pleasantly tart or perhaps sour. I am inclined to think you may have done something wrong. Cut and paste this link into your browser and see if it offers any good advice.

Good luck.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

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