I took a dump the other day and had to conserve the toilet paper because it was almost out. I only used one square of paper at a time to wipe my ass, so, as a result, the shit soaked through and touched my fingers. My question is this: how exactly should I wash my hands...? I haven't washed them yet because I'm waiting for your response.

Dear John, (I've always wanted to begin a letter that way...)

Let's talk for a moment about PREVENTION, shall we?

Exercise a little foresight, and try to keep one roll ahead at all times. (I have an excuse for running out of TP: our Great Dane keeps eating the rolls as quickly as they are hung. But I doubt you have a similar excuse.)

But what's done is done. Your hands are soiled, as is virtually everything you've touched for the past week. There are invisible poo-germs all over your house and your girlfriend. Hand washing is now the least of your problems, but here goes a handwashing tutorial, suitable for printing and posting on your bathroom mirror in case you forget the complicated steps involved:

1. Turn on the water. Usually a combination of hot and cold water is most pleasing. But it really doesn't matter to the germs. Cold or hot, the principle works the same.
   
2. Put your hands under the water. Rub your hands together a few times until they are sufficiently wet.
   
3. Use soap. This oft-forgotten step is fairly important. Soap will loosen the errant brown debris (now hardened from waiting all week for my answer) from your filthy hands. Antibacterial versus regular soap does not matter, either. It's more about just getting your hands wet and soapy.
   
4. Rub your hands together briskly for at least fifteen seconds. Sing a little tune to help the time go by. Think about world peace. Make major, life-altering decisions. This is YOUR time! Use it wisely.
   
5. (extremely tricky part) Dry your hands first, THEN turn off the water with either a paper towel or the bottom of your shirt. This step is admittedly more important when out in a public bathroom, but I figure for you, John, the practice might be a good thing. You don't want to get your hands all clean, only to dry them off and then touch the filthy, disease-ridden faucets with your spanking clean hands.

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility. Got a question for her?