Rick:

Your problem is a common one in the U.S. where a growing number of citizens are becoming fat, lazy, and disabled.

Fortunately you have several options for cleaning your fat, stinky ass. I'll offer two at this time:

1) Shower after dumping. Reach around and scrub that stanky, sticky gunk off your ass. If you have trouble reaching around, buy yourself a toilet brush and hang it in the shower for scrubbin' your ass crack. (Occassionally dip the brush in some sort of disinfectant that your fat ass is not allergic to.)

2) Grow a large patch of dense Burmuda grass in your lawn near the back door. When you finish poopin', go outside and drag your shitty ass across the grass like a dog.

Rick, I hope these options work for you. If not, please let us know so we can work on other ideas. The last thing we want is a fellow pooper waddlin' around with a stanky ass crack.

Peace in the poopchute.

Yeah, Turd is right.
A shower after shitting is in many cases BETTER than a good amount of TP-ing the hole.

Try sitting on the sink and running water over your ass. That works pretty well with my million wipers. And it's cheaper than buying a bidet.

After you have a baby you can't wipe so they give you a squirt bottle to squirt your butt clean with warm water. So, go up to the dollar store and buy those cheap ketchup/mustard bottles with the pointy tips and squirt away. It's the cheapest alternative yet!!

For the price of a daily dognut you can buy a butt washing maching that fits on your toilet called a Spaloo. It will clean your fat ass and it even feels good. Of course you will have to step up your pan handeling in order to afford one, or you could just cut out buying your daily Big Mac for a year.

Well, sure, Knotty, but the question was what are the OPTIONS. We're looking for ideas with creativity, here!

Rick, I suggest a visit to the 99 Cent Only Store. Buy yourself one of those squeezey bottles for condiments. I think they're made by Table Craft.

Fill that bad boy up with warm water before you sit down, and squirt away your troubles.

Hire a tiny man in a spiffy suit to swab the decks upon completion.

There seems to be quite a variety of bidet seats available nowadays.
Can anyone share experience using a booster unit with a bidet seat? We need to accomodate a frail elder who has trouble getting up from the low toilet and would benefit greatly. Comments on ease of use for would also be welcome. Thanks!

Take a bath after your daily constitution.

This goes back to an older thread, it's easy, just hose your ass down with the showerhead, and it tickles too!

_______

whats that smell?

Just go to your local car wash on all fours. Be sure to tell them you want the exterior wash only. If you're real fat you may have to pay the SUV surcharge. You'll not only be clean all over, but will get a nice hand dry by a bunch of illegal aliens.

PD, thats so cruel!!! ;) but bloody funny, too.
I have an idea for Rick that might help him lose weight and keep his manhole clean in the process.
Step 1: Get hold of an old racing-bike (bicycle).
Step 2: Mount it to a solid fixture, with the back wheel off the ground.
Step 3: Remove seat and seat-stem.
Step 4: Glue a long strip of Astroturf around the perimeter of the back tyre.
Step 5: Climb onto bike, sit on cross-bar, and start pedalling.
Step 6: Slide backwards along cross-bar until the rusty sheriff's badge comes into contact with the spinning Astroturf.
Voila! Nice clean butt crack!
(A garden hose could be rigged up to dribble water on the Astroturf to prevent friction burns from over enthusiastic pedalling).

Nice idea Mr. Mullet. I have always recommended going to the nearest tire shop and wait 'till they are doing a high-speed balance on a knobby tire. Just distract the operator and back that dingleberry patch in for a thrashing.

Or just straddle a hedge and run like the dickens.

Blatantly lifted from a long ago PR story, but I liked the line so much I use it where applicable.