my farts smell really bad

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PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Motherload offers some odor-reducing tips.Smellyass Asks:

I have the worst smelling farts of anyone I know. Even I can't stand the smell. I want to know how I can get rid of the terrible odor that comes out of me. Could there be anything wrong with me to be causing this terrible smell?

I eat a balanced diet with no excess of anything I can think of. What could be the cause??


Dear Smellyass,

Some folks' opinion of a "balanced diet" really don't meet all the good health standards that are usually implied with the term. Just because you don't eat any one thing in excess does not mean that all the stuff you are eating equal parts of are really that good for you.

Gas does tend to stink more when the farter consumes foods that are either not so good for them (such as high-fat fried foods, sugary confections, and carbonated beverages such as sodas and beer) or things that disagree with them (such as foods they are allergic to or intolerant of, like dairy or wheat products).

Illness can also be a contributing factor in the scent and intensity of the flatulent odor. Celiac disease, diverticulitis, colitis, bacterial overgrowth/imbalance, and even cancer could be the cause of some really smelly fumes.

Here are some tips from Kendra Dahlstrom of eHow to try to make your farts less stinky:

1) Try cutting out the dairy in your diet. This seems quite drastic, but an excess of milk and dairy products in the diet can cause extra smelly gas. If your gas odor has not severely declined within two or three days without dairy, go ahead and add it back into your diet.

2) Decrease your intake of oily, fatty, fried foods. Not only is this bad for your gas, but greasy foods are also horrible for your health. Do everyone (including yourself) a favor, and cut them out of your diet.

3) Eat artichokes. Artichokes have the strange ability of neutralizing gastrointestinal odors. Although this is not a commonly eaten food, try to incorporate it into your diet.

4) Eliminate all carbonated beverages from your diet, including pop and beer. Carbonation tends to exacerbate the odor of gas. Again, if this does not improve the odor within a few days, you may go ahead and add them back to your diet.

5) Cook your vegetables before you eat. It's extremely easy to grab a handful of baby carrots or broccoli florets for a snack. Unfortunately, your digestive system has a more difficult time breaking down raw vegetables than it does digesting cooked vegetables. Make sure all roughage you put into your stomach is cooked, and your gas odor should improve.

Hope these tips help. If not, you could get you some of those activated charcoal underwear inserts and just fart away without worrying about the smell. Here is one good offer on them: Charcoal Underwear.

Thanks for asking Motherload!

Motherload is Certified Nurse Assistant as well as an IBS sufferer, which means she knows a lot about poop. Got a question for her? Ask it here.

326 Comments on "my farts smell really bad"

Pope Benedict XVI's picture
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Well.....I guess I am going to have to stop putting pate on my Jesus crackers and washing them down with nice sweet Kosher wine...that will be quite the bummer. Just yesterday I was told by a few of my trusty Cardinals, "Your eminence, your farts are so rank we are reminded of the sulfur reeking regions of Hell."
Thanks for your timely advice IBS no more. May you always poop in peace.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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David
My farts smell terrible. My friend and my mom just about threw up because of the odor. It smelled like diarhea. THey have a blast radius of around 10 feet and I want to know why .
Thanks

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear David......I also would be concerned if my farts only had a blast radius of 10 feet. Perhaps if you add more moldy cabbage, fermented garlic and beans to your diet you can move up to a more respectable blast radius and make your mom and your friends vomit for real. Best of luck to ya.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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My boyfriend finds it gross when i fart in his face i think its fun and intimate

Friendly neighborhood spiderman's picture
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According to Ayurveda you have symptoms of "ama" undigested food in the gut. Whatever other symptoms/problems arise it is due to weak or irregular digestive capability. There is a great formula called "Trikatu" the three spices you can find it at most health food stores. I would take quite a few capsules of this with water and stop eating for awhile, perhaps even fasting a couple of days. If you can't find this formula you can try making it yourself, the three spices are black pepper, indian long pepper and ginger. If you want an even stronger formula you could include cayenne pepper but isn't necessary. Best of luck.

Anonymous Reader's picture
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Chief,

"Use you spell check always when posting things for the general public to read."

It should have been 'your' instead of 'you'.

Your comments are creative, witty and very humorous, but your criticism of that young girl was very unnecessary. Just thought you should know.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear AR.....could you be more specific and tell me to which post you are referring. By the way, spell check will correct neither "you" nor "your" because they are both spelled correctly.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Diarrhea Pants's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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My farts smell worse than yours! I once farted in class. Everyone was stunk out!

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You don't feel like a winner when your butt blows out your dinner.

You don't feel like a winner when your butt blows out your dinner.

Strunk & White's picture
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I see how it is. ChiefThunderbutt is allowed to harangue others for their grammatical imperfections, but I point out his mistakes and my comment gets deleted. Hey Chief: you took out the extra "which", but your ellipses are still screwed up.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear Strunk and White Troll.....If you want to be critical of the site you should register. We have a flames forum in the back where you can say nasty things about me to your heart's content. What it boils down to is, you are a guest, I am a moderator. Now...do you have anything humorous to say? This is what the site is for, it is not for flame wars. So as politely as I can say it, go fuck yourself.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Hmmm.

1.) Grammatical hullabaloo:

According to the Chicago style of formatting, the ellipsis at the end of a sentence may have four periods, as one of them represents the end of of the sentence itself. If using the MLA style, the ellipsis must be set off by the square brackets to show its intent apart from other periods.

I do not know what happened here, as I was either fucking off in the forums or elsewhere on the front pages; but I do notice that five periods does not two ellipses make; it's just a bunch of dots.

2.) The Comment Bermuda Triangle:

I'm about to go commando on the deleting of already posted comments.

(Remember, Strunk & White; when you address someone, start a new paragraph.)


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Pungent Wit's picture
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Quote from ChiefThunderbutt : "Use you spell check always when posting things for the general public to read."

Yes, you're perfect.

George Washington's picture
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Yes Pungent Shit, Chiefthunderbutt is right, he is certainly God's gift to Poop Report, whereas you are merely a troll.

Strunk & White's picture
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Go easy on Chief, you guys. At his age, you have to take your thrills however you can get them (even if it means harassing 14-year-old girls over their comma usage).

anonymous SbD's picture
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My husband said if he knew how bad my farts and poo stunk he would have never married me. hahaha! Got to keep them boys on the 'down-low' 'til ya hook 'em!

Gas Assassin's picture
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Well I gotta admit thunderbutt, you made things much less funny trolling that girl, although I do the same thing, and she was being a bitch anyway, so whatever.

But back to fart stories, I was pretty sure I had the worst farts in the world until I came here. Since I was a little kid, I've been able to clear out the family room, get revenge on family trips, or make an entire room of people sick with a simple "one cheek sneak." My farts smell like the bowels of Satan and stay in the air no matter how much AC or wind is applied.
On most family road trips, a time will come when my dad refuses to go any farther with me until I take a crap. It's quite satisfying to torture my parents thusly.
One of my favorite farts was on a school activity on a bus. I was sitting near the back and snuck a long one out, it turned out to be one of my stinkier ones. Everyone in the back of the bus started gagging asking who the hell did it, and the smell soon spread to the entire bus. Everyone was eventually shouting things like "OH GOD, MY EYES" "SOMEONE KILL ME, ITS BURNING MY THROAT" and I was in a rapturous glee cuddled in my seat, pretending to be sleeping because I was laughing so hard, and because I didn't want to be lynched for the atrocity I had wrought unto everyone.
My friends are mostly guys and tend to fart a lot, but usually when I fart there are comments or looks. I also have a strange ability to will myself to fart more often, and with worse smell; truly the farts that legends are made of.
My niece is the only person I've found that can compete with me. Her farts are probably about as bad as mine, making me feel like puking a lot of the time, but my parents enjoy this because it's the only revenge powerful enough that they have found for me.
My parents and nephew have gotten used to the acrid smell, but usually the dog ends up leaving after a fart or two, and after half an hour, my parents will have left, and eventually my nephew as well. Sometimes it's so bad that I have to leave all the windows open and fans on full blast or I wake up with a sore throat and a terrible headache.

Anonymous Lady-Friend's picture
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Chief Thunderbutt is literally my hero. Have you read his stories? He can write his smelly ass off; any grammatical infractions are just typos. Anybody picking on him is obviously jealous of both his shitting prowess and ridiculously sharp wit.

Thunderbutt for President in 2012!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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my mom stinks too dont worry

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i cant hold in my farts..... recently i have been passing gas every seconed help i cnt hold them i how do i hold them in

Swampass's picture
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Hi fellow farters I would like to say that our farts are only as good as we prepare them for others to enjoy. Thats why I recommend at least one full glass of milk a day . Milk is the best ingredient in preparing a glorious air biscuit. Best to drink another glass before taking a long bath, nothing complements a good fart like an underwater tub fart, the smell is invigorating to say the least. And the bass and sound you get can beat the high quality of any Bose sound system out there. Thanks for letting me share and good luck with your farts.

Gluten Free Girl's picture
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For those of you on this site that actually WANT to stop farting,(C'mon, admit it, that's how many of you found this site, right? Looking for a cure?), you may want to read the original answer from Motherlode. Althought farting may be funny to some (OK, to many!), when it smells that bad, your body is trying to tell you something. Dairy, egg, and gluten intolerance can cause more than just foul and frequent gas! They can actually be damaging your digestive system. Consuming them can cause your body to produce antibodies which is never good. For those who think you have IBS, etc., your really should research gluten intolerance and celiac disease. It is not as rare as doctors seem to think. It can cause intestinal and other CANCERS, reflux, stomach cramps, diarrhea OR constipation, migraines, autoimmune disorders (such as diabetes, lupus, arthritis), thyroid issues, hormone imbalances, extreme weight loss OR EXTREME WEIGHT GAIN (many very overweight people have TERRIBLE gas! Am I right???), depression and/or anxiety, anemia (low iron), canker sores, skin rashes, allergies and sinus problems...The list goes on and on. If you notice these probs in yourself or in your family members (it is a genetic condition) PLEASE research it! Just Google "gluten gas" and any other symptoms you may be having.

Here's a start:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/210159/do_you_have_digestive_problems_like.html?cat=70

http://www.mywebsearch.com/jsp/cfg_redir2.jsp?id=ZUxdm265YYUS&fl=0&ptb=xvj3fahDrNoEivSBZ1XiRA&url=http://search.mywebsearch.com/mywebsearch/GGmain.jhtml&st=kwd&n=77ce7e1b&si=5235&searchfor=gluten+gas

http://www.ehow.com/way_5217195_gluten-diet-gas-digestion.html

You may be used to the gas and if others in your family have always had the same problem, you just think it's normal but it really isn't. Check it out.

Take care!

shart stains's picture
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best farts are when u eat wendys chili, classic triple combo, and a baked potato. I made my buddy gag at work while running away. Quite possibly the crowning moment of my life. I can now die in peace.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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my gas is horrendous lately cause i was sick,,, rotten egg gas ,, definatlely toxic

poohy sue's picture
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Came across this after looking for my cat who stinks worse than me which is quite unbeleivable! Read lots of the above comments which makes feel not so alone ! haha Also some of the stories are sooo funny they just crease me up... Thankyou whoever

Mr poops alot's picture
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I at down yesterday and couldn't poop for a couple of minutes so I went back to work. Well the feeling got a whole lot worse so I went back and tried again, this time with a little effort a small bunny turd came out and I felt better for a instance, but then as I started to get up I felt the worst pain ever and as I was sitting down it starting gushing out of my ass as sonic speeds. I had shit all over the toilet bowl, the underseat, and on my ass. The worst part, it wasn't over yet. It continued in bursts for about 3 more minutes and started burning so god damn bad I wanted to cry but that's the last thing I want people to hear comming out of a bathroom stall, especially when there is only two shitters. God, I thought the worst shits of my life were over but boy was I wrong.

GOMAD man's picture
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I drink just over a gallon of whole milk a day. You dunno bad farts until you smell this. It smells like rancid sulfuric ammonia directly from the pits of Hell. The first whiff makes you cringe. But the smell that immediately follows that causing stinging in te nostrils.

Brent150's picture
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I let some of the worlds greatest farts! I almost got an Artical 15 when I was in the Army for being asked to stop farting during our morning run. Our commander gave me a direct order to stop because the people behind me were puking and not being able to complete the run.I refused to stop farting and they almost hit me with some uniform code of military justice for it! That was some of the funniest shit I ever created for people!

I have a new game to play and it is called "FART NIGHT"! When I get up in the morning I wake my little boy up with " JOEY! IT'S MY FART NIGHT!!!" And because I was the first one to say it,I'm the only one aloud to fart when we are home from work and school! He gets pissed off every day about it though! HAHA! I also tell him he has to say " Daddy, your farts smell good tonight" when he wants to go do something fun! It's really fun and very amusing to hear him say that! I tell him it makes me feel good to know that he enjoys my farts and then I fart again for him!

poonug's picture
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Its amazing how people are so pumped on their ass stench.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Oh god - Thank you all for such hilarious comments. I've spent the last half hour reading through and laughing my absolute butt off. I've recently suffered from awful smelling gas. I am vegan, so only eat plant foods, so I don't understand the bad smell. Too much fibre perhaps? I am extremely unsure.
I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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AC ... I am not vegan but my farts become extra aromatic and powerful if I eat a fiber-bar or two. The garlic and onion toot can also be amusing for those who must share it with you.

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I just wanted to let you all know my farts smell good tonight! I don't understand why I am the only one that loves my farts?! I'm outraged that people get mad,and sometimes sick when I let the real good ones! I'm going to start charging the people that are around me when I fart. I figure if they have to pay for the farts,maybe they will start appreciating them more. When they realize they are spending hard earned money on my farts,they will cherish and learn to love my farts!

And by the way,what the hell is a vegan?! Are they competition I should be concerned about? Don't ever try to out fart me or take any business away from me! I am trying this new fart market and i'm hoping I do really good from it! I feel that my farts are worth quite a bit and don't want others taking my idea and bringing the cost way down! As soon as you people start doing that shit,we'll have immigrants and everyone else on the planet to compete with and it's not fair to me, i'm just getting started! I feel I deserve a little extra for all these years of selfless service and countless farts I let people baste in for free! I'm done letting people take advantage of me and coming around for the free farts! NO MORE,NO MORE, NO MORE!!!

DannyHyde's picture
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I have incomplete digestion, especially dairy products, so it really festers. After pizza with meat poopings and then ice cream, my room can stink 5 hours after I leave.

jews4jesus's picture
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my online dating profile spesifies only farters need apply. Farters and chicks with kids since I'm sterile.

jews4jesus's picture
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farts broke up my marriage. I blame my butthole stench geysers for all my problems.

Baker II's picture
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My roommate once farted on his chair in his room, and I felt the vibrations from my room. The next day I was in his room and his chair had a permanent shit smell to it. I suggested he purge the chair

poopakoopa's picture
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hi, i have had really bad wind the past few days now it really hurts and i have it all the time,after i eat, after i drink, and even just normaly, and i never fart it just stays there and if i eventually do it smells reeeeeeelllyyy baaadddd... can anyone tell me what it can be??!! ta....

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Avoid eating at Dennys and especially any menu item described as being a Grand Slam.

misstootalots's picture
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I have to say this site made me crack up with laughter, the banter and stories were fantastic. I wish I could share but i'm sure my friends would go what on earth do you read when your bored.
I will admit I don't have any super funny farting stories but my most memorable fart was in my teens. I was sat on the floor and my family were in their usual seat spots, so I'm sat thinking I need a little toot low and behold I let one go and this monster of a fart came out. I swear it must have vibrated through the entire house. I can still remember feeling the vibrations through the wooden floor with my family in amazement at how I'd let such a loud one go. I'm sat laughing at the memory and wish I could do them at will like that.

Adding to that I have to say my mom's ex boyfriend was convinced women didn't fart. My whole family killed themselves laughing and confirmed women do indeed let rip some monsters as bad as the male population. I made an evil effort to let one go just to proove we women are fartworthy. =0)

poopmellon's picture
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I went to the doctor about this problem and found out that my gallbladder was having serious trouble with lettuce and cabbage, and anything else with oil. The farts almost smelled like burnt rubber and eggs mixed together. It was the grossest thing EVER! She said it was the excess bile put out by the liver - the gallbladder can't handle it. I stopped eating anything fatty and any romaine lettuce and cabbage, and it quit totally. Unless I eat it again, and it better be on Friday night with nowhere to go the next day!!

Stinky butt's picture
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Oh my goodness I have the worst gas any girl could get. They started burning and stinking yesterday I went to bed and when I woke up it was still there but I think the smell got worse. My husband wont come near me and my kids run away from me, and it actually makes me gag when I smell it. My son told me he had something in his eye, and I told him to back up because I had to fart. My 2 year old daughter said pewie somthing stinks and I told my son to come back over so I could see what was in his eye and he said thats okay mom my eye is better.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Ok I stumbled across this site looking for a cure for my 3 yro whos farts are worse than a grown mans. I have not found an answer but I have spent the last half hour crackin the hell up! Thank you all so much this just became my new favorite site!!!

Smelly Kelly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow! I just finished reading this entire thread and I'm laughing sooo hard. It's good to know there are other super-stinky farters out there, especially other women.

My name is Kelly. I'm 20, blonde, thin, female, and I've somehow been blessed with the "gift" of perpetually putrid gas. My regular farts make people cover their noses and spray air freshener. If I've eaten dairy, peanut butter, coffee, soy, Kashi cereal, fast food, broccoli, red meat, chinese, or indian food, I can induce gagging and eye-watering and evacuate large rooms. I usually eat (at least) one of those things on any given day.

At college, I share an apartment with three friends. I've been officially banned from farting anywhere except my bedroom or the bathroom. Most of the time I comply with this rule, but every now and then I need to have a little bit of fun with my talent. One of my favorite tricks is to pop into one of my friend's rooms to ask a quick question about a class or something, drop an SBD, and then slip back out and wait for the reaction. It usually involves gasping for air, swearing, and telling me that there's something wrong with my digestive tract. Other times, even the following rule doesn't protect them. Once, one of my friends walked into the bathroom and then immediately backed out saying "God, who just took a dump in here?" Well, no one did, I had just farted in there…about ten minutes earlier. (My farts have incredible staying power, especially if I've eaten one of my special foods.)

My friends aren't the only ones who face the wrath of my ass gas; I like to torture my family as well. Last week, I borrowed my mom's car for a day because mine was getting repaired. She claimed that she could still smell my farts in the seat fabric two days later. A few years ago, on a family roadtrip through Colorado, I was responsible for the windows being rolled down several times despite 20 degree weather outside.

I'm a bit more shy when it comes to farting around guys, but I've made exceptions at times. Once my boyfriend in high school "dutch ovened" me while we were cuddling under a blanket watching TV. I pretended to be grossed out by his pathetically weak fart, and then returned fire about 20 minutes later. I didn't even need to pull the covers over his head - the stench creeped up and hit him so hard he literally fell off the couch. My freshman year of college, I slipped out an SBD on a movie date that was so bad, my date made us change seats, but he never suspected it was me and I never had the courage to confess to it.

Well, I guess I've shared enough for now. I'll tell some more stories later. Hope I reminded everyone that girls can be stinky too!

Mister Anonymous Coward's picture
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Last week, I had a fart so explosive that it woke my wife up at 3 am and she asked me if I blew my testicles off. I said no, and went back to sleep.

CaptainCrapper's picture
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Yeah generally speaking even the foulest of flatulence isn't anything to worry about, and for me personally the healthier I eat the worse they smell, albeit there's less of it.

Now if you get stomach aches sometimes, or are always reaching for an antacid, the it's really time to change your diet. If your poo is grayish in color and or always a floater, then you might wanna see a doctor, your fats aren't digesting well, which can lead to MANY other problems.

I take 500mg of taurine twice daily, as it's really good for keeping your stomach bile at a healthy leval, aiding in complete digestion, and giving you more avaliable energy. but check with your doctor 1st!

Taurine can be found in many energy drinks, or you can get the pills at any decent vitamin shop (much cheaper that way)
it can be found. I encourage you to check out wiki on this.

MineAlwaysMakeSkidMarks's picture
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I once did fart on a seat in back of a bus. The only people were near the front, where my seat was. After the fart, I went up front to my seat. To my horror, the smell came up front, a-comin a really strong 3 minutes later. Everybody knew it was me, boy I was embarrassed. (And that fart was just a little one, I had a lot more gas I forced myself to keep in until after the ride)

For some reason my worst of the worst farts come right before wierd shits. They look very light grey, float and have trouble fluhsing down. usually takes three or four flushes, or I get a bucket of water o last resort

Kid Coward's picture
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My daddy had rotten ones so bad that his room smells bad, even after he went out a long time. He farted on the his lite red seat cushen since many years. It looks now more like dirty pinkish and always smells awful, even the more in hot air.

Poop EXpert's picture
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i barly fart.
eat more fiber so that your poop doenst sit in you so long and your farts wont smell very bad..
you know mine dont really smell :!?.. but i shit my food out in less than 12 hours sometimes.. i am fiber happy

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Poop EXpert ... I have discovered that foods very high in fiber give my farts an interesting smell, particularly those with a high soy content.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Putrid Bubble's picture
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I had a two beers yesterday and a lots of soda today and the farts are smelling like yperite.

RussellsWifey's picture
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My boyfriend has by far the worst smelling farts in the entire world! I've been woke up out of a dead sleep from the smell of his ass! What's wrong with his ass????

The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town's picture
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Am I glad I found this website, I've been laughing so hard I almost farted a hole in my chair! Seems I'm not alone after all.
Is there some sort of convention for people like us? Maybe an annual challenge where a couple of hundred of us meet up in a large public space to see how long it took to clear :)
If you are ever in London please try the fart-o-thon. This is the standard tourist tour, but the aim is to leave your "mark" in all the main public buildings at the most crowded times - July & Xmas are the most fun. Some targets to aim for: British Museum (the smaller rooms), St Paul's Cathedral (the narrow staircase to the roof), Tower of London (the crown jewels room), a crowded tube train at peak commute and of course tea at the Ritz (pricey, but worth bonus points for all the offended aristos too polite to say anything).
In 15 years in London I've managed to stink out most places but next on the list is the Buckingham Palace tour, after a night fuelling up on curry & beers, though I'm slightly concerned this could be a hanging offence !
Ending on a dietary note, I recommend, for top "nasal impact", Nepalese vegetarian curry, a recent personal discovery which is both heart warmingly tasty and arse blowingly devastating. Three days and 8 pairs of underwear later and I can still clear a street in a strong head wind: superb stink-to-value ratio !
Malodorously Yours,
The Phantom,
London

Anonymous Coward's picture
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what the... okay this totally isnt porn

The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town's picture
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OK - Phantom gets serious.

In between stinking out London's tourist attractions I occasionally worry that the rest of the world doesn't see the funny side of my own personal bio-weapon. This website is the only one that has helped me - so a big thank you - and here goes my contribution for what it's worth. This is a bit long-winded (geddit), so give up now if you are easily bored.

The stink has been with me since forever & makes my social life feel like a waking coma. I'm not interested in sympathy, I just wish the medical community would get more interested in this as the effects are de-humanising. Also I can't believe that in the 21st century we can't beat this.

I am now on my 3rd "specialist" doctor. For "specialist" read "expensive". The first 2 performed a variety of tests - blood tests, invasive tests (yeah, that's right, cold steel...ouch!), I even had a virtual MRI colonoscopy - 2 days of what I can only describe as "nuclear-blast" laxatives, followed by a radioactive injection into the blood to get good photo definition then 10 minutes being zapped by big magnets to produce a picture of my inner abdomen. I was also X-rayed, given more dietary advice than I know what to do with and had my stool tested - it was sent DHL to the USA because apparently we don't have the right "technology" over here...(like, what -potato mashers???). Anyway, bet the Customs boys loved opening that stateside!

The end result of all this & more, covering several years and thousands of pounds - I am apparently perfectly NORMAL! Yeah, .....right. After knocking a few bricks out of the wall with my head when they told me this I decided to persist, regardless of the b******. It's now turned into a lifetime obsession.
I am now on my 3rd specialist. To give him his due, he seems pretty clued up so I'm getting hopeful. This is what I know so far:

1. Gluten intolerant, but not severely. Tested positive to anti-gliadin antibodies. (Hereditary, other family members have this, but they don't have the smell. So far I haven't suffered heavy symptoms of this problem, but it can kick in later in life, so lots to look forward to.) This was worth knowing. Solution: cut out gluten (damn - no more beer!)

2. Recent X-ray of my gut. I was surprised by how much non-bone detail showed up. It showed that my ascending colon (right side) is chock-full of backed-up food & explains the pain there. The descending colon (left side) was in severe spasm - all the ring like muscles had contracted and were blocking movement; something is irritating the hell out of it & delaying the smelly stuff coming out. Quite common I think. This was worth knowing. Solution: try & de-stress & try and cut out irritants. Go on elimination diet to identify what the hell it is I'm eating that is p*****g off my gut.

3. Did two "hydrogen breath" tests to check for bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine and also for lactic (milk) intolerance. These tests involve an odd diet before hand, not eating for 12 hours then drinking a gross sickly solution of glucose, blow into a tube for 2 hours...result: .....Nada.
Personally, I'm not convinced these tests work....I could be wrong.

Next steps: Elimination diet with a nutritionist...... sounds like a barrel of laughs. Logical tho'- take everything out of diet and start from scratch I guess. This will take a while.

I haven't worked out much to date that helps me, but some things seem to have an effect. Here's a quick brain-dump, any comments more than welcome:

1. Onions, leeks, spring onions, garlic = devil's food. Worse if cooked for some reason. Cabbage, beans, the usual suspects all dangerous.
2. Meat, particularly red = evil smells & gets stuck in the gut. Meat fat is particularly nasty. Roasts, BBQs etc - all the fun stuff = bad. Nice juicy sweet molasses BBQ sauces....yep, you guessed it!
3. High sugar intake = lots of gas (amongst other problems).
4. High carb intake, particularly mashed potatoes, refined carbs = lots of gas. Rice can be odd - also dehydrating in the gut too.
5. Curries (obviously containing onion, garlic, lots of oil, various smelly extras & chilly irritant) = nuclear.
6. Alcohol, chillies, ground pepper = gut irritants = blocked gut/gut lining might stop working properly & gut spasm.
7. Mediterranean diet is really good. Massive amounts of salad, vegetables, very little dairy, small quantities of light meat (fish, chicken). Not huge amounts of carbs. Very little processed food. Meals are light and not hearty. Doesn't cure the problem, but helps cut it down.
8. Cheese: interesting. Soft=real smelly. Melted = smelly. Hard, not so bad. Goat better than cow.
9. Exercise - good. Sleep - good.
10. Stress is really bad. Holidays, relaxing much better. Great to know, but try convincing the boss this is how you have to live!
11. Drink a LOT of water, more than you think you need, helps move stuff along.
12. Sunshine..... Yep - weird I know, but apparently its good for serotonin, vitamin D - all sorts. All I know is I feel far better in it than under the leaden skies of the UK. There seems to be a strong link between gut problems and anxiety/depression/stress etc. Sunshine = more happiness=happier gut (and I suppose you also eat less when its hot). Some interesting reading on this: http://www.tcfnm.com/sunshine.htm

Next up for me is a vegetarian diet, and not mixing carbs & protein (mixing seems to exaggerate problems). I might even try yoga as someone recommended it. Does anyone know if its worth the trouble before I go completely vegan-hippy?

The gluten free diet has had no particular effect on the old stink, but I feel a little better for it. Also it's a great way of losing weight...it's amazing how much fun food has wheat in it!

Finally - pop quiz - anyone any experience with Blastocystis Hominis ? I think it's potentially trouble & would love to learn more about it. Not well studied & a suspect in IBS (esp in its amoebic form I think).

That's it - I'm out of ideas. If you have any you think might help please let me know. In the meantime, it's back to haunting the dark, smelly streets of London for me....

Phlatulent Phantom

karly's picture
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My farts reek and I eat a healthy diet so I don't know what's wrong can anyone help?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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Phantom -- if you are diligent about separating the carbs and proteins, and eat more fresh fruits and vegetables than any other type of food each day, you will be amazed at how quickly your problem disappears.

Some things to remember about keeping carbs and proteins separate:

    When eating meat, eggs, fish, or hard cheese... avoid having any kind of bread, pasta, rice, beans (except green beans), potatoes or other starchy veggies in the same meal. Corn and carrots or other root veggies are okay.

    Typically animal proteins should be eaten with non-starchy veggies and not much else.*

    Cheese used sparingly as a condiment on starchy foods is okay, sorta, but to kick a problem like you describe, I would try hard to be strict and avoid eating them together.

    When eating starches... don't have any animal protein in the same meal, obviously, but also avoid cooked tomatoes in any form. Cooked tomatoes should be eaten with proteins, not starches, as cooking makes them too acidic for starch digestion. Bruschetta is an excellent substitute here, or any other raw tomato sauce recipe.

    Starches should always be thoroughly chewed as their digestion begins in the mouth, and if we don't chew them to near liquid form before swallowing, we pretty much guarantee that they won't digest properly. Fermentation results, which contributes to the types of problems you describe having.

* There are ways to cheat, of course! Potatoes or other starchy veggies can be eaten first, with about 45 minutes' (and a big fat salad) separation before eating meat. Also there's a product called Miracle Noodle, which is a great pasta substitute (be sure to dry them!) that safely combines with meat. Veggie burgers are good, but often they are made with tofu and soy combines as a protein. That's another kind of cheat, though, that plant protein sources can usually combine tolerably with starches (such as nut butter on toast). And my favorite cheat of all: BACON. Bacon digests as a fat, not a protein, so can be eaten with starches :D

Gotta love whole bacon strips on a baked potato, or a BLT all dressed up and begging to be eaten slowly, every bite savored to the last... man I'm hungry.

Don't forget that part about eating more fresh fruits and veggies. It really will help tremendously to eat less proteins, grains, and dairy while increasing fruit and veggie intake.

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Open your eyes AND your mind to the power of food!
Health via Food (scroll down to read by chapter)

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Deputy Thunderbutt's picture
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THIS IS TRULY A GREAT SITE. I LAUGHED MY BAMPING A$$ OFF ALL DAY. BUT IT IS AN EDUCATIONAL SITE AS WELL. I WILL KEEPING COMING BACK TO LEARN....TO LAUGH.....AND TO SHARE MY NASTY FUMES WITH ALL!!!!!!!!!!

The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town's picture
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IBS NO MORE
Thanks for the tips - I will try out your ideas and see if they work on my pestiferous posterior....and any excuse to eat bacon has got to be good.
I started my vegan diet experiment last night in a great vegetarian restaurant but their recipes involved a thousand & one ingredients, and worst of all ....beans !! - of all shapes & sizes. Big beans, little beans, hard beans, soft beans, green, black & brown beans ....delicious - I just couldn't stop myself!
So this morning I got stuck on a train for about an hour ...I'll leave you to guess the rest. Suffice it to say, somewhere tonight in a dark siding in old London town, an elite team dressed in gas masks and shiny haz-chem suits is still trying in vain to fumigate that carriage.

Karly ...
I think even the vegetarian / healthy eating option is fraught with issues, and I'm guessing that IBS NO MORE is right that the protein/carb separation should help with that. I think I heard somewhere that beans have a lot of protein and carbs together, which makes them such fun.
One issue with eating too much good salad / raw food is that this is quite hard to break down and digest, and this slow digestion could generate more gas. A nutritionist once told me to eat less salad and more (of the right sort) of cooked veg, which is easier to digest. If you want to test this theory, spend a sunny afternoon in a field with some cows. They eat plenty of raw green stuff and blow like a hurricane.
If reincarnation is on the cards I'm coming back as a flatulent frisian in my next life.

Ending on a lighter note - has anyone found a list of appropriate career options for the gaseously gifted? Office worker can be a bit tricky. I always thought I'd make a great Gestapo interrogator:
"vee have ways of making you talk - let us just zit in zis schmall, cramped, vindowless room for three hours and zee how long you can last". Serious suggestions welcome

Yours truly, living the dream,
The Phantom

Hate Farts's picture
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Don't you all think that excessive smelling of farts and poop could lead to self-poisoning? I imagine that these bad odors cause chemical releases in your brain which give you your sensations and, in excess amounts, could cause serious affects to your endocrine and nervous system.

You should also consider the affects on the environment. Methane is a more effective greenhouse gas than CO2.

As you can see, farts aren't that funny after all! We must all learn to fart in moderation -- only when necessary.

Mina <3's picture
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OMG this site is funny! So im laying in bed cuddling with my chihuahua Maggy and she lets out this poot that sounds like a little whistle, and smells like a dead horse... And im thinking omg gross why does such of a small dog's poot smell so terrible? So I Google it and get this page. lmfao! Thanks for the giggles befor bedtime guys! :)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Mina, the only thing worse than a Chihuahua fart is the dreaded sparrow fart, but you need not worry about those unless you plan to sleep in a tree.

Duncan_djs2's picture
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Hey guys - can you help? Everything I eat turns to shit! What can I do?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dincan_djs2 ... As an experiment why don't you eat some shit and see what that turns into?


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Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Has anyone ever laughed so hard that that farted b4? Totally had that just happen to me while reading this thread. Only problem is I just shit in my pants a little bit

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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AC, this site feeds on itself by providing the laughs that make people do things that wind up back here as stories. Join us.

Cottage Cheese Ass's picture
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I love it when I think I have a huge fart brewing and I save it up, let it build, take a deep breath and put all my might into it and wham! Launch a corny batch of shit into my drawers.

foulplay's picture
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I've been having really dirty farts for a few weeks...I think it's my diet...Too much garlic and onion and bagels...The smell reminds me of rotten onion. And they burn and are also thunderous. I thought loud farts supposed to be clean...not true. Even my cat would run away...Although I personally find the smell peculiar, I need to get rid of it to avoid the embarrassment in public. Is Artichoke the only remedy? What about lemon juice the natural antiseptic?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear foul, Since you have surmised that your diet is probably responsible for your cat frightening butthole miasma don't you think that it might be prudent, for the sake of the poor cat anyway, to just change your diet?

The public awaits your decision with pinched nostrils!


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Foul, just get rid of the cat and get a dog. Dogs eat their own shit, so I don't think your farts will faze them.

Oh, and if you need a good home for that cat, contact a Mr. Bilgepump on this site.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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u miss spelt "folks'" its FOLK'S

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear AC, The plural of folk is folks, there is no apostrophe required. The possessive form of folks is formed by adding an apostrophe: folks'

While we are discussing spelling "u" is not a word, it is merely a letter of the alphabet, the word you were probably searching your vocabulary for is "you".

Miss is a young unmarried lady and spelt is a grain closely related to wheat. Did you by chance intend to write "misspelled"?


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!