why do I wipe so much?

// // 406 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.





Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












406 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

UPDATE: My new exercise routine seems to help. Now my poop is hard and wipable. I also have been drinking more water and laying off the chocolate. (Sob!) I miss my chocolate cake ala mode!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Million wipers are caused by spicy things sometimes.
Don't add jalepenos to your sandwitches for a week, and I am sure you will improve to a degree.

The Doc's picture

This is caused by mucus in your system. Mucus is caused by eating too much food that is high in fat, junk food etc and not drinking enough fluids. Increase your intake of fibre - wholegrain cereal, nuts, wholemeal bread, baked beans etc and you should avoid the million wiper moments. Dont foget to drink plenty too - especially in the heat.

Dont be a fool - wrap your tool.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The million wiper problem has returned, and not because of junk food. I have eaten mostly vegetarian, low-fat foods. Unfortunately, it is the antibiotic I took back in March that has messed up my ass. I will never take this stuff again. It's taken seven months to get back into rhythm from that crap, and it did nothing for the infection anyway.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

pooperoonski 2's picture

I am so happy i am not the only one who has to wipe their ass five hundred times a day .My
only solution is to buy scott toilet paper because it doesn't run out.I am driving my driving my wife nuts with my dirty heiny stories .I am going to try some of you guys solutions ! Thank you grateful million wiper
Pooperoonski!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture

I am sick and tired of this incessant wiping. It doesn't matter how much I wipe - my arsehole is still contaminated.
I do not eat red meat. I can't remember the last time I ate anything greasy. My diet consists mainly of vegetables (boiled, steamed, baked and raw), fruit, beans, and multi-grain bread. Sometimes I eat fish, seafood and chicken.
This is just not acceptable. I want a new excretory sytem. :(

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Its the beans, Camilla. It's the beans.

ThePerve's picture

Hi,
I am also a million wiper. I find using sandpaper greatly increases efficiency in wiping my fat little arse. Unfortunately, i also have sticky poo. Little balls of poo, unflushable little blighters, love me so much they never want to leave the toilet. I have to get right in there with my hand which is quite embarrasing as i have brown hands. So far i've had success blaming this on a birth mark. Can anyone help me?? I'm desperate.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

O...kay.... *slowly backs away from ThePerve*

I've never really had this problem except when delivering large amounts of LiquiShit(TM), which naturally takes several wipes.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Itchyarseholey's picture

I have a sticky itchy bum all day.......its sticky fucking poo....never come out....i finger my asshole to get it out and 5 mins later need to go back in to wipe more. I also have hemroids so i bet that doesnt help but fuck i dunno.....i eat like shit....mcdeal menus all week......so thats my problem but i cant help it tastes too fucking good.

Sporadic Wiper Man's picture

I too suffer from sticky ass poo syndrome, but usually only when I have been on the alcohol the night before. I have examined the bog paper and along with its smell, the poo that I wipe from my anus looks sticky in constistency. Other days, when I am not on the "pop", my poo is normal - like an orange color. I can usually wipe twice and my anus is clean again. The best poos are the ones which only require 1 or 2 wipes.

Poo Man Chu's picture

I'm a million wiper too. I used to have a really bad diet, consisting of tons of cokes and whatever else. But I quite drinking cokes, I drink nothing but water and Crystal Light and eat normal. (mostly just turkey breast sandwiches with cheese on wheat bread)I eat mixed fruit cups daily and a bowl of honey bunches of oats cereal every single morning, also I now work out 3 to 4 times a week including cardio and weight lifting consistantly for 4 months. Yet I still am a million wiper. And just now I had a breakfast burrito with salsa and my my wipe looked thick red like the salsa. (I'm hoping its not blood though) I dont know what to do.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points

I think some people are just doomed to be million wipers, no matter what their diet or exercise program. My friend Bryan has sticky poop so instead of wiping he just hops in the shower and washes his butthole with a rag every time he takes a dump.

return of the sticky's picture

I have gotten the sticky anus syndrome for a while now. It seems like every poop I take is a watery one. Anyways, I wipe and wipe and wipe. Finally it comes clean. However, three hours later, my bunghole starts feeling a little unfresh, and I go and wipe and wipe and wipe some more. WHat the hell?

NOT OK AS IS's picture

It doesn't matter what I eat or sit or anything else, A million wiper I am. Most of my 57 year life has been that way. Everytime I Poop I pray for a clean wipe. That doesn't work either. Please help!!!

Omg's picture

Here are some guidelines for folks with stickypoo.

First of all, when taking the dump, bend over and place your feet up against the front of the toilet.

Second, after the poo has left the system, wiggle your ass a bit, this will make any large chunks of poo fall from the hair thus nearly solving the hairy aspects of this problem.

Third, take two pieces of toilet paper and put it between your thumb and your pointing finger, and go down there and make a pinching movement from your anus while pinching together your fingers. This will remove any other smeary parts of poo.

After doing that several times, take a paper n spit on it. Don't use water from the tap, just, damn spit on it and wipe a couple of times. Then do a few dry wipes, then a wet one, then some more dry wipes. Keep repeating this untill the anus region is clean again.

Fifth, take a can of good smelling stuff and SPRAY THAT AROUND THE F-ING TOILET. I hate it when I have to take a leak or dump in a 1 by 1 room that smells like a crackwhore's ass.

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture

Hello. This is Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels again.
I have eliminated beans from my diet. I have tried leaning forward and whatnot. Everything anyone here has suggested has been to no avail; my orifice is still minging. I wipe and wipe and wipe. It seems clean, so I get off the bog and leave the room, but something just doesn't feel right. So I go back for another wipe - and the fecal matter has returned with a vengeance!
I jump in the shower to try and get it off me, scour away with a rag (even tried a scrubbing brush), but when I get out, it's still there!!
Oh my stars!
I don't think I can take it anymore. :(

ring of fire's picture

mother fucker, just can't clean it, my problem is I only shit once a day and at weekends that's okay but through the week I always need to shit at work, where the toilet paper is closer to fuckin' sand paper, almost everytimle I flush the toilet almost blocks, get in there with the brush and get TP on the brush, feel sorry for my work mates. the only thing that seems to work for me is baby wipes but since I'm to ashamed to walk to the toilet infront of mly peers holding a pack of wipes I just go without, then by the time I get home at night I have a ring of fire, it does however die down a little once I've used likesay five wipes. the thing is, this just started like three months ago, I haven't changed my diet or anything, don't know what's happening, like pooperoonski I'm also driving my partner crazy with all this turd talk.
has anyone asked a doctor about it, and if so, what were his suggestions.
PS my poo isn't always wet, it's almost as if I have a little still there (which I can't feel) and so each time I wipe, It's acting like a pen writing on paper.
_____________________________________________
wise man says, go to bed with itchy ass, wake up in morning with smelly fingers.

Arse like a Japanese flag's picture

Ok, I have been on a three week diet and have gone from one extreme of almost water to that one night from 12PM till 5am where I was so solid I almost past out, I really do not feel like dying on the crapper. recently it seems everything is in small bits with mucus (probably fat) I should be 87.1 KG but haven't been in almost 3 days and weigh 89.9 at the momment. anyone here using the medication Cellcept? as this started not long after changing to that med but all the docs will to is reduce the dosage, it's an immune suppressent so I kind of need it to live. I'm sure that crap will be linked to CO2 somehow so it won't be long before it pops up on Sky News and CNN. maybe the is where the rap group so solid got there name from :)

Return of the Sticky's picture

OK, guys...I've found a cure for the million wiper. I hope you guys like dried apricots. I got a bag for Christmas. Lo and behold, my poops were damn near perfect. My chronic diarrhea and leaky ass were cured! Long live dried apricots! A HANDFUL A DAY KEEPS THE STICKY, MILLION WIPER SHITS AWAY. For me at least. :)

Cute little sticky pooper's picture

Dear Poop Nurse,

Can I start by saying that this is a seroius comment, and I think that despite all the fun and humour in your site, I can't help but realise that this is a seriously annoying and concerning problem. My poor little 16 month old daughter suffers from sticky poop. She can sometimes try to go 10 times a day and only manages small sticky poos with obvious traces still in there trying to get out. It has been a terrible time as she hd salmonella at 3 months, then 2 heavy doses of antibiotics to get rid of it. So I have been trying to figure out is it a consequence of the infection, the antibiotics or something else ( possibly all 3??). She is having antifungals, probiotics( good bacteria to replace the ones that the antibiotics killed off). However I have been looking up about salycilates which are natural chemicals found in most fruit and veggies. She gets a rash around her mouth and under her eyes allthe time usually worse after eating fruit and veggies. It is very interesting, so perhaps all those "million wipers" that are eating healthy diets and still can't figure it out, perhaps you should look up salicylates, amines and natural food chemicals. The diet known as Failsafe seems to know alot about it. But if anyone has any luck with this or knows anything about it, I would love to hear, so perhaps you could pass it on.

toodles mcpooples's picture

I'd say about 75% of my poo's are million wipers. I usually just wipe until its not so thug nasty down there, then hop in the shower and use it like a bidet (SP?). fresh as a daisy after that. soap up your ass hairs too fellas. or ladies shave those things.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i suffered with this for a few years, went abroad for 2 months .... no dairy, hey presto, back to normal. try giving up as much dairy products as you can for a bit and see what happens!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ok, this really helped me out...

For YEARS I would take a dump, wipe, and then a few hours later I would feel a little greasy so I would go to the john to wipe...and it was dirty again! Then I finally realized that if I used a wet-wipe, or just some water on some toilet paper, that would really clean the arse instead of just wiping it. Been brown-free since. Well, except when I try to loose weight and eat lots of fruit and veggies. Then occasionally a smudge will sneak out during a fart cause I'm not used to the extra (probably normal amount of) fiber.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have a suspicion that my sticky movements are related to dairy product consumption. I've known a while that my system is non-dairy, but I didn't connect that to stickiness. (For awhile I was a habitual liquid plumber,(regular enemas,) so I didn't have a chance to keep track, but lately I noticed a resurgence of sticky after a cheese/sour cream binge.)

For those talking about pinch techniques, or wiggling: there's no way that would help with truly sticky droppings. We are talking on the scale of actual adhesive, similar to bread dough on your fingers when you're kneading a loaf. (ew, no pun intended) It doesn't ever just come off, you have to use water and lots of agitation to actually dissolve it.

thanks for the resource!

Sticky Fangahs's picture

DUDE! I thought it was just me! I, too, have SPS (Sticky Poo Syndrome)!!! I go through wipes like you wouldn't believe! Dude... what do I do? It's a pain in the ass... literally!!!

Power Poo's picture

I too thought I must be the only one. I am sure it has something to do with what I eat, sometimes I do the perfect poos, but mostly just sticky ones... I am relatively fit and healthy, I do lots of exercise and I eat well. Well, so I thought. I have found that taking Metamucil (fibre product in Australia) helps, and I have also noticed that Probiotics help too. Even so, while they improve the poos, they don't give me the perfect poos. Interesting that some people have mentioned salicylates in fruit/veg. And dairy. I have quite a lot of both. I have sometimes thought maybe the fruit was a cause.... but everyone tells us to eat more fruit. Anyway, was great to read the comments and now I can try a few more things.... fingers crossed.

Millionwipermama's picture

I never shit in public thank God, and at home we are always armed with baby wipes. It cuts down on nasty skidmark underwear too, I guess that it is a guy thing......

Hopeless case's picture

I poo about once per day usually (occasionally miss a day) but it's a damn million wipe job every single time. I don't eat red meat and I don't eat much dairy, maybe cheese in some dishes but not often. I don't know what to change about my diet. I only ever drink water too. Lately I have had a bit of lower abdominal pain too which is somewhat relieved by doing a poo, but it never quite goes away. This is really depressing.

Big Female Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Most of the time, I have that. I poop 2-3 times a day. I have to use at least 1/4 roll every time I wipe. I poop, flush, then wipe, flush and wipe again. That;s why I rarely clogged the toilet Those million wipers suck

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points

If my poop takes more than two wipes, I go for the washcloth or damp toilet paper. I may catch Cheryl Crow's wrath using more than one square, but I don't flush a forest either.

Pissed Off Pooper's picture

I shit 3 to 4 times a day which really really pisses me off. I think maybe the little hairs in my asshole retain the shit juice and thus causes me to have an itchy ass. Whats fucked is I can wash my ass in the sink and check my shit hole in the mirror and I have definately removed all of the shit and shit juice that causes greasy itchy ass, almost every time I shit I have to go back and re-wipe the turd tunnels exit because it starts to itch! I wipe my ass so hard after a shit it often feels like I have been wounded in a car crash! Anyway something acidic must be causing my asshole to itch like this but I have no idea wtf it is. I use large amounts of shit paper everytime I take a shit, I am thinking about buying stock in one of the major shit paper companies. I sometimes fantasize about taking a scalpel and cutting out my own asshole. please someone tell me how to fix these problems!!!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

P-O-P, if I may suggest:

Leeches.

Always worked for me.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I think I can shed light on this subject. I have always had a hairy ass my whole life even as a kid. It used to drive my mother crazy with my as she so eloquently called it "poopstains". It got to a point where I was so sick of hearing her nagging and hollering I began to just hold onto the underwear til she did laundry then when the washer started just sneak them into the wash. This worked really well with the drawers I had bad skidmarks on. Then came the marvelous invention of the early "wet ones" They were great but mom never bought them. She did NOT understand NOR accept that even though I used 3/4 of a roll of TP that I still couldnt get my ass clean. Now let me just say it was the same damn thing she said about my dandruff. You arent rinsing your hair enough. People I stood under that fucking showerhead for 25 min how in GODS name could my hair NOT be rinsed? I love my mother but she is NUTS. Anyway I digress here is the main problem. If your ass is hairy that poop will just stay in the asscrack until something wet and soapy is applied. Sorry guys the only way to truly combat this problem is to buy a container of flushable wet wipes OR my own invention the "special washcloth" Now heres the thing about this washcloth, YOU MUST keep this cloth segregated from the other ones. Only use this to wash your ass. What I would do is put this washcloth on a separate hook beside the toilet or in a place only you know where it is. Next get some IVORY or DIAL soap bars in a separate container and use that soap with the washcloth to clean your ass crack. People I know it is a lot of work but you will save your underwear and a lot of grief and nagging by the other unsympathetic people in your life. And you will have a squeaky clean asscrack to boot.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

oats n fiber's picture

Yup...been a chronic wiper too....when I fall off the plan. Which is..about every other day I take a short teaspoon of metamucil in a bowl of oatmeal and vanilla yogurt for breakfast. It is a miracle for me. Often the first wipe is nearly spotless. You may be able to substitute bran for metamucil every other time.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

It seems to me to depend on the type of turd if I wipe a lot or not. If it's one of those that tapers off to a point as it slides out, I can usually get clean in 2 or 3 wipes. If it's one that just hangs there and takes a lot of rocking back and forth or bouncing up and down before it breaks off, That'll be about a 50 wiper for me. I guess you just have to eat a mostly vegetable based diet to keep the wiping to a minimum.

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh yes,the pasties!I hate that when this happens!Wiping&wiping!My bunghole hurts so bad after this I can hardly sit down!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Two large glasses of Metamucil or Citrucel and 1/2 bag of Trader Joe's Mixed Dried Fruit. This will keep you regular and your turds soft.

If that doesn't work, consider getting your ass sprayed with Pam. It not only keeps poop from sticking to you ass but it also keeps fried foods from sticking to the pan.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i get this when i eat cheese and cereal. i've always said the human body wasn't meant to digest dairy products and i could be right.

thunderturd2's picture

former anon coward... oh no! it's come back.. not as bad as before but worse than when i was in s.e. asia... i'm still sure it's diet related. maybe a total bum wax would help until we get to the bottom of the problem!

Mr Coffee's picture

25 cigarettes and 8 to 12 glasses of Latte a day - milk coffee. This must be the cause of my sticky poo. Sure I use heaps of TP, but I get my arse clean in the end. My big problem is the toilet bowl! Always gets pasted with a sludge of black. Can only be removed with toilet-duck and brush.

The Answer Man's picture

I too had all your problems. Solved it while sitting on the throne. After a couple wipes, I hit the shower, with my trusty hose connected to the water source, I give myself an awesome cleaning. Sticking that hose up my ass, feels so good. Clean all day. Smells good too!
mrclubagent1@aim.com

chronic_butt_wiper's picture

The main thing I find that causes the chronic butt wiping thing is dairy. Dairy has something in it called casein that causes sticky mucus all over in the body.

Other things that can cause sticky poopy chronic butt wiping are :

pork
MSG
aspartame
dairy is the big contributer of sticky poop.

When I get more then 2 episodes of sticky poop that requires chronic butt wiping and cleaning a day I take half an anti-diarrhea pill it works most of the time. Also taking acidophilus pills will put the good bacteria back into the colon helping get rid of or decreasing that diabolical ever dreaded evil chronic butt wiping syndrom.

Sticky Jib's picture

yeah i have the same problem. my turd unfortunately landed across the hole in the toilet. so my mom plunged and the poop was pasted to the side of the crapper. i just wanted to share my great and stinky story

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

In my case, wiping technique is as important as fecal texture in creating and dealing with 10E6 wipers. A hurried or inaccurate first swipe of paper, combined with a soft-serve dump, can cause a smear that only spreads the more you try to wipe. Before you know it, you're just spackling your ass. When I realize I'm dealing with a smear, the solution is alternating dry/wet wipes. Without the wet wipe I run the risk of thinking I'm clean, when what I've really done is left a dry film that will be reactivated by perspiration, with gruesome results. Some million-wipers can't be avoided, but good technique can cut 'em down to dozen-wipers.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Mineral Oil. 2 table spoons a day for a week and 2 table spoons of fiber mix(orange taste good) in 8oz. glass 2 times a day. leakage can occur, but not bad.It works great exspecially if you are suffuring from bright red blood issues caused by anal tearing or sores from wiping. Note copied

*Mineral oil is a petroleum based product and is used as a lubricant type laxitive. Mineral oil does interfere with the absorption of some vitamins and minerals including, Beta-carotene, Calcium, Phosphorus, Potassium, Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, and Vitamin K. If you take a multivitamin with minerals you should take it 2 hours either before or after the mineral oil to ensure absorption.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Started taking fiber in the form of metamucil capsules each morning. Did the trick. No more having to go back to re-wipe.

Poop Angel's picture

Hi, Yes I have this problem too.

I don't eat (and haven't for years) any junk,no meat, no poultry, no fish, no aspartame and no MSG. So in my case it definitely cannot be those things ... as I don't consume them.

For myself, I have narrowed it down to probably Candida or mucus. I think as I eat such a healthy diet (mainly vegan raw foods) that, in my case, it is Candida. Some years ago I had to take a lot of antibiotics ... I think that was the trigger. It would be worth doing a very strict anti-candida diet for some months (which includes no dairy due to the lactose (sugar) that also feeds candida).

It might help.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Try a strict anti-candida diet.

Incomplete Evacuator's picture

I have only had about 5 perfect poos (1 wipe or less) in my entire life and I am 21. The remainder of my poos have been Million-Wiper's. It is embarrassing the time spent in the toilet, the amount of toilet paper used, and the need to re-wipe some time after to avoid embarrassment just in case some poo has stuck its head out to say hello again. So the problem that i have is that i finish my poo, but i feel that i still have more to poo, but it won't come out. I probably do not each much fibre in my diet because I am not a big fan of fruits/veggies. I do not eat very much, I am male only weighing 65KG, I play sport 3 times a week.
My plan: purchase dried apricots and eat them
: purchase Metamucil (dietary fibre supplement powder/capsule)
: eat bran/wholemeal breads/cereal etc.
: try to eat more fruit maybe!
: at the moment I will not cut down on my milk cosumption, because I have heard that others are caused by milk. But i will try the above, and see if it works!

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