why do I wipe so much?

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.

Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

401 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

Anonymous's picture

This used to happen to me all the time. After 5 months of having it i discovered that i was lactose and wheat intolerant. Once i stopped eating foods with these substances in it completely stopped.

Anonymous's picture

Reading these posts made me laugh until I had tears.

I think internal hemorrhoids can make this problem worse, but I think the consistency of the poo is the biggest cause. I guess that comes down to either medical problems or diet.

By the way, I spent two weeks in Nepal, a nation that is pretty much BYOTP (bring your own toilet paper). Only thing worse than being a million wiper is having to keep a two week supply of TP with you as you travel. Hope ya got big pockets..

Anonymous's picture

This is all so hilarious, i haven`t laughed so hard in so long, thank you so much. I kept this all in my favorites file, so when i am feeling low, i will read this site again as a pick me up. thanks

Anonymous's picture

So I know everyone is different, but I have found a perfect solution for myself-- ALL BRAN BRAN BUDS by Kellogs. It's the only one that has psyllium

not any other type of all bran
not any other fiber cereal
not a powdered fiber supplement
not straight psyllium

NONE of those did the trick

BUT All Bran BRAN BUDS has!!

i add ground flax on it for fun-- these days with Almond Milk, raisins and some other tastier cereal to make it palatable--

when i eat that cereal a few times a week, my shits go from Million Wipers (itchy, bloody asshole, wasted time) to ZERO wipes, or maybe one wipe.

it's a longshot maybe, but worth it-- please try!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

I wonder if there are so many people that share this affliction why on earth do doctor's not acknowledge this at all? YOu mean to tell me that none of them share this million wipes a day either? I find it very hard to believe. I go through this every time i poop. There's nothing more romantic either when your partner wants to roll around in the sac, and you have to run to the bathroom to make sure there isn't any trace amount of poo hanging out!!

Anonymous's picture

OK, this is my first post and I'm going to comment on the first post.


It ain't you diet that gives you pasty shit for years at a time and them it goes away and comes back. It ain't fiber either.

If you look up rosacia on google you will get about a zillion hits and every damn one of them will tell you the cause of rosacia is unknown. Once again,


A couple of researchers in LA found the cause back in 2007 and it was pretty interesting. I suspect that pasty ass syndrome is caused by some combination of protiens, enzymes, etc, etc, etc not working right in the intestines, gall bladder, liver, etc, etc, etc, just like the weird fluke that causes rosacia.

Horse shit on all of this crap about diet and fiber and red meat and water consumption. I have had this problem on more than off most of my life and I have tried every goddamn thing conceivable to mankind and it just stops when it wants to with absolutely no change whatsoever to my diet or lifestyle.

So what is the answer, I don't know but I do know that until someone finds out we should be working on how better to cope with it instead of bullshitting each other about fiber intake. I personally have a setup in my shower stall to wash my ass everytime I crap. Its like a industrial bidet. Its the only way I can crap and not leak like a goddamn upside down open tube of toothpaste all day long. It just don't work away from home and I have found "nothing" that does. The ass washers on the 40 billion dollar toilets for your home don't cut it.

Anybody want to talk about this seriously? Because I for one am pissed about it and want to goddamn know why I can't shit a normal turd while we land spacecraft on other planets.

Thanks for listening,

pastyass out.

Anonymous's picture

Doctors Diaticians' should comment more, keep slowly changing your diet by omitting the ones you feel is causing it. iron does make it sticky= rubbing the sides of both your thighs near your Anus can help one to pass their excreta. keep pulling your fingers up on the sides of your hips and you will soon feel the excreta moving on and out. its not the full answer but it helps and as well try and relax sorry about the spelling as i don't care about spelling as long as you under stand jb

Anonymous's picture

I have been dealing with this garbage for ages now and finally Googled it and it directed me here! It's nice to know I'm not alone, although I'm sorry for all of you who deal with this too.

I first attempt to get as much residue off with paper (Angel Soft is nice as it has those raised patterns that might help to get a little more off), and then use the Cottonelle wet wipes. Sometimes I go through half a bag, so I stock up in bulk. The last two BMs I had were rough, and I wound up having to wipe way too much and now the area is a little dry and itchy. I don't have the problem with recurrences and things seeping out, but all I'm left with is a clean, dry, itchy, and sometimes bloody rear.

The only saving grace is I don't go every day. That's always been my natural pattern for the most part, unless I'm having IBS flareups.

I'm going to try the enema bag to wash around there and maybe start taking my Citrucel fiber capsules again.

I also have hemmorhoidal anti-itch cream on the way from drugstore.com because I'm too embarrassed to buy it at the store.

I'm seriously thinking about asking my doctor about this. It's embarrassing and she will probably want to laugh, but maybe she'll have some answers.

Anonymous's picture

Have been having this horrible problem for over 2 years now. Have tried so many different things. My ass always feels either swollen or raw from wiping so much. I will be going to the 3rd doctor to check me out in a couple of days. I am so jealous of people that can just take a crap and be done with it. I feel like its gotta be some physical fuck up with the way the anorectal areas is, and not so much with the diet, cuz come on guys diet really? People be eatin shit everywhere and I gaurantee not everyone suffers from this. I will post if there is a miracle breakthrough.

Anonymous's picture

I also have the million wiper problem but I retain hope because every once in a while I have a "Ghost Poop." A "Ghost Poop" is when you feel the poop and you hear the poop but when you wipe, nothing is there, and when you look in the toilet it's empty because your poop is a Ghost Poop.

I'm working towards making all of my poops Ghost Poops and will surely keep you posted on my progress. It's rare, but I'll be documenting the foods and circumstances surrounding this mysterious occurrence so that we may further explore this phenomena and hopefully one day integrate the Ghost Poop into our daily lives.

Some of my other favorite poops are the "Lincoln Log" and the "Fraternal Twins".

-- Big Ploppa

quicktribe's picture

I'm 35 years old and have had the sticky-poo problem my entire life. I actually thought I was alone and there must not be anyone that shares the same affliction as me. Those that have this problem know exactly what I'm talking about. It wasn't until about 2 months ago that I searched on-line and found tons of other people that relate. From reading all the different remedies, I decided to try Metamucil (Psyllium Husk) along with cutting down on my proteins and breads and see how it worked. 2 months later and it seems to be working really, really well. I'm not completely sure which change solved the problem or if it's a combination of the two. If I slack-off my diet (normally over the weekend) eating pizza and not drinking my Metamucil, I'll almost definitely end up with the good-ol sticky poop problem on Monday or Tuesday. My biggest recommendation to someone that has this problem and doesn't know where to start, is to try the Metamucil for a few days and see what happens. I dose between 1 to 2 tablespoons per day (usually 1) My MSW (million-shit-wipes) have been turned into 1, 2 or 3 wipes max on a majority of my bathroom visits...good luck!

quicktribe's picture

Tears...I just read your comment and I totally relate. Seriously, I don't know if it'll work for you for sure, but go get some Metamucil (Psyllium Husk) and drink at least a couple tablespoons (well-rounded per day) After 35 years of having the same problem it worked for me. Remember to drink butt-loads of water with the Psyllium!

Anonymous's picture

Hello all,

I saw the above comment about Candida being the cause of this, and I must say - it is DEFINITELY true for me. I stopped all sugar and started taking Candax, and sure enough - pinchin' perfect ones all day long (some other annoying symptoms are subsiding as well).

I feel so relieved to be rid of this awful affliction. I had to self diagnose because most doctors are just retarded. IBS is such a "lazy doctors" diagnosis.

Anyhow, yes. Candida. Look it up.

Anonymous's picture

Try a cork. Works for me.

Anonymous's picture

some of these posts crack me up. others frighten me (like the guy sticking his hand in the toilet to pick his poos off the side of the toilet bowl?)

but i also suffer occasionally from wet, sloppy kaka-poopoo-doodoo syndrome, and have yet to legitimately attribute it to my diet (at least to the exclusion of anything else).

one thing i CAN say is that i think it has a little more to do with the regularity of your shits. if you go everyday, your crap will be harder, darker and less broken down than shit that has been sitting in your system for several days. when crap sits in your intestines for several days, the enzymes in your intestinal linings break down the food way more than if the food passes quickly through your system. and when it's broken down a lot, shit turns lighter and lighter, softer and softer, and slimier and slimier. this is when you get nasty wipes.

the solution? eat foods that will make you shit more often (so, in a way, yes, the solution does have to do with your diet, but it's a relatively indirect correlation because the real answer lies in the frequency with which you shit). so, eat bran, lots of fruit, dark green vegetables like spinach and kale, oatmeal, and even coffee will help. you can go so far as to take laxatives but by and large, natural food is always better.

--Dr. Poopenstein

Anonymous's picture

I too Am a million time wiper... I have had this problem for years! My only solution is getting as much as possible and the showering... If your not at home I have another solution that at least helps until you can get home to shower! I call it "the manpon" all you do is clean up as much as possible and then you take some toiletpaper, if it's double layer I use 4 sheets if it's the cheap single layer you may have to use more but you fold it in Half where it becomes two sheets and then fold it in half one more time thus making it a half sheet... And you stick that between your buttcheecks... This method does work as I have used it for years... I do suggest you take it out before you shower however... I have a manpon in as we speak and I don't have racing stripes when I take offs my pants!

Anonymous's picture

I have a real problem, my toilet, nor any other toilet, can handle by shits. Why can't they make a toilet that can handle a real man's shit. Again, I'm talking about a man's shit, not a woman's, not a quasi male's dump, but a real alpha male's shit. A shit so tough, huge and vile that the gods take notice.

My shit always gets stuck somewhere in the shit pipes (the pipes that carry my shit outside).

I've wrote many companies in regards to this, claiming that there is a lot of money to be made in the design/production of 'super industrial toilets'. Non have returned my mails or calls, probably because they are ran by women or pussies that have no idea how immovable a real mans shit can be.

It's time to change, we have a right to shit in confidence, to be real men, and read our news papers and hardware store catalogs while we produce 'man logs'

Come on men, join me. Get involved, the shit revolution is at hand!



Anonymous's picture

One of the tricks but not solutions I've found is to just take a loperamide (Immodium) pill or two here and there. My poop is especially sticky if I'm going around twice a day, and the Immodium slows down the GI track the same way opiates do with little adverse effects. I don't do this often, maybe once every 2 months or so, but it allows everything more time to dry up. It's been especially useful when I've had to poop and wipe so frequently that my anus gets scratched and irritated. The loperamide at least gives me a day or two of rest here and there. Obviously taking it more than a day or so in a row is intentional constipation and a bad thing.

Anonymous's picture

I went to my doctor about this, of course I was super embarrassed and you know what he said?! He suffers from it too! He gave me a referral to another doc and said if I figure anything out to let him know! Fml

Anonymous's picture

Look up pelvic floor dysfunction!

Anonymous's picture

I am finally firm again...no more sticky pooh syndrome!

Man, after reading countless post from SPS sufferers I was determined to end the million wipe frustration.

A common thread was everyone seemed to be in good shape, eating a healthy diet, and hygienically sound...same as me.

I went through my diet...Banana every morning, work out, non-fat greek yogurt w/berries & granola. Lean meat sandwich for lunch w/a salad(non-fat dressing) followed by a reasonable dinner. What could cause the SPS?

So I tried some fiber drinks...Metamucil Fiber Supplement Powder and the like...no change, Damn the Sticky Poop Syndrome!

Finally, after a Saturday binge of drinking and bar food, Sunday I had a single wiper! What the F! Bad diet and booze cure this damn plight? Monday morning comes and I go off to work...have my banana, coffee, BM(clean), and I get my non-fat greek yogurt out and EUREEEEEEKA! That's it, I missed my greek yogurt over the weekend and the SPS went away.

It's been several weeks since I have had any greek yogurt and the disgusting million wiper has not resurface.

Friends, greek yogurt causes sticky poop syndrome! (In my opinion, of course.)

You are welcome:)

Anonymous's picture

I am going to suggest that it is due to oily foods, in particularly meat. Mine is at its worst after eating meat pies and working (therefore eating) at a fast food store over the last few days. I have used nearly a whole roll after just two shits. Have you ever tried to wipe up an oily surface with just dry toilet paper? Well it is the same for your asshole.

Anonymous's picture

Hey guys.....
I think I might have found a reason for some of our distress. Have any of you guys ever wondered if this affliction is the consequence of fluoride in our water and oral hygiene products? I think there's a decent chance this at least has a hand in this matter.

Also, has anyone tried juicing to alleviate this issue? I recommend you guys watch "Fat Sick & Nearly Dead" on Netflix. Also might find "Food Matters" very interesting. Finally, I think something like the Gerson Therapy could wash away what ever is doing this to us. Let me know what you guys think.

Anonymous's picture

Hey guys, I've got the same problem. Wiping my ass is like trying to rid a peanut butter jar of all its peanut butter. It's a long and drawn out process and I'm sick of it.

I'm wondering if anyone here thinks it could be an allergy to fluoride???

Has anyone here heard of gerson therapy? If so, has anyone tried it to cure this million wiper poo issue?

Anonymous's picture

I had the same problem for years and found out I had a hernia . I got it fixed and the problem was solved!

Anonymous's picture

Well for Goodness Sake, surely this can be resolved!

For starter's half the problem has been wiping too friggin much. You wipe too much and you irritate it and it reacts by discharging from inside the gland. There are quite a few reasons why it happens and I know it's embarrassing as hell.
Skid marks on the underwear, smell, and are uncomfortable.

I haven't resolved it but in my case I believe it is because of irritated hemorrhoids following large doses of codeine administered after surgery in my 20's.

My solution rather than using toilet paper wadding is the following:

Go the the drugstore and buy a product called "WITCH HAZEL". This is an all natural product and can be used as a skin cleanser. A cotton ball soaked in strong witch hazel can reduce swelling and can relieve the pain of hemorrhoids. After I use and dispose of the first swab I lightly soak a second swab and leave it in place. It keeps the ass protected from leakage (manpon if you like) eases any burning or itching and generally improves your life once you get used to the feeling something is stuck there. Get to a toilet later in the day and flush it's gone. I generally find, after a couple of hours, no need for anything else until next time.

Give it a shot fellas - hope it works for you too !!!

Anonymous's picture

Hey folks the answer is simple, lots of fiber, either in your diet or as a supplement, & lots of liquid!

Anonymous's picture

I have had this million wiper problem and bad wind for the best part of seven years. It really started when I ate tinned curry for the first time in 2005. My diet got progressively worse, curry, pizza, chicken burgers almost every night, for seven years straight. Very little to no vegetables or goodness, also I only ever ate one or two big meals a day, no breakfast.

At the beginning of this year I had enough of using an entire toilet roll every time, and wetting it so I could loosen and clean more effectively. I went to the doctors and explained. He provided Normocol, fiber sachets, and after I began to take them I noticed that all they do is firm up the actual stool but have little to no effect on the amount of wiping or flatulence.

After about four months there was little improvement so I went back to the doctor's and he booked me in for a sigmoidoscopy as he couldn't understand the excessive wiping/loose motions if my stools were "firm". I got so scared and worked up that I cancelled my appointment.

I forced myself into eating healthy cereal for breakfast, something light for lunch, and no eating late at night for the first time in years. I have cut out all forms of curry, chicken burgers, deep fried food etc. I have started drinking lots of water and cutting out gassy fizzy drinks i.e Coke.

Side note: I have also cut down on vinegar as I used to use buckets of the stuff and I think it may be a very irritable substance or at least one that doesn't agree with me.

I am pleased to announce that there has been nothing but improvement since I have started this new diet. After experiencing pain in my abdomen for the first week, probably my body adjusting, I can honestly say that it is working for me. Maybe ten wipes at the most with a little water because I'm so used to wiping that way.

UP TO NOW IT IS WORKING FOR ME My case was quite severe at one stage so to show such marked improvement in the space of ONE WEEK is nothing short of remarkable. I was convinced that it wasn't my diet, that I was dying or had some sort of colonic disorder but being booked in for a sigmoidoscopy scared me into changing my diet drastically.

I will keep you all posted and would appreciate your thoughts on my scenario.

Good Luck


Anonymous's picture

For me, it's either chocolate or peanut butter, cause when I wipe, it's like I'm trying to wipe melted peanut butter chocolate off my ass. By the time I'm finished the whole roll of toilet paper is gone. Damn you, million wipers!

Anonymous's picture

I was the classic million wiper before I found this article. Hairy ass, sticky poo, I would wipe till kingdom come and still end up with poo stains in the shorts.

Then I found Psyllium Husk fiber pills. I take them twice a day. The first sign of things taking a turn for the better were about 3 incredi-craps. Nice massive dumps that held together like I haven't had in years. Now for a solid week (no pun intended) I've been pinching off normal size loaves with only one or two wipes.

Many thanks to all that contributed to this comment section!

Anonymous's picture

So relieved to hear about more people having the same problems. I have had this for seven years straight and at times it frustrates me more than one can imagine! I can remember two times in those seven years where there has been significant improvement.

A couple of months ago I read on the IBS-forums about psyllium husk. I bought the powder version, and for about 2-3 days toilet time was like heaven!

Just before Christmas 2012 I got food poisoning. After being sick(diarrhea and throwing up) for five days straight, my BM's were 100% perfect! it lasted for maybe three days, and the feeling was like none other!

I have also been experimenting with a lot of different diets. High fiber, low fiber, high water intake, low on the red meat, more salads etc. Could it all be in our heads? I have been low and have light depression at times, could this be a cause? Lately, my low periods have been caused by this problem, so it becomes a big bad circle. Hoping to discuss this further with you people with the same problem! At the moment I will try the psyllium husk-tablets from iHerb combined with lots of water and exercise, and a low carb-intake, to see if this helps.

Anonymous's picture

I had million wipers, got my hernia fixed and problem fixed.

Anonymous's picture

LMAO...I wouldn;t know where to begin if I had to help you! Holy crap, literally! I have shit problems too, but you win the trophy for explaining it!

Anonymous's picture

I agree Bran Buds are the BOMB!!!!

no flavor but man what a shit!! great way to clean me out.

Anonymous's picture

I went out yesterday and bought bran buds. Had a big bowl for lunch. This morning there was nothing, I mean nothing, on the paper! Sure it is early in the experiment but that was an impressive start. Thanks for the tip. Just had a bowl for breakfast and I think this will be part of the daily ritual.


Anonymous's picture

I have had this problem as well. Go to herbdoc.com and get all the information on his bowel cleanse regime. Start with formula #1 and go from there. It is definately diet related...but everyones bdy is different and relates to the same foods in different ways. Dr. Schultz will help tremendously!!!

Anonymous's picture

AMEN, pastyass! Seriously! I have to run off to the toilet throughout the day myself just to wipe and it SUCKS! It doesn't matter if I eat nothing but bran all day either. It sucks and it's horrible. If I have a date with someone I actually douche just to be safe. Wish I had a shower like yours or a bidet.

Anonymous's picture

I have had this problem for years and while I have not found a solution to it, I have found an inexpensive way to make it a non-issue. There is a device called a Biffy which easily attaches to your toilet in 5 minutes. It costs about a 100 dollars from Biffy.com. It has a little lever that swings the arm under you after you go. It sprays a powerful jet of water (adjustable) that can clean the outside and the inside if you desire. Trust me you will not have this problem another day if you get one of these. I know this sounds strange but it has been life changing! Check out their website. You will wonder how you lived without it.

Good Luck

Anonymous's picture

I'm not sure if my toilet can handle by shits either.

Anonymous's picture

Same thing! I stopped eating both and the nastiness stopped almost overnight. No more religious fiber intake. Good tip!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

That doesn't always work anonymous, I eat tons of fiber, drink ungodly amounts of liquids and still I am contemplating hiring a groom of the stool to keep my smeared ring-piece tidy.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous's picture

Do you have to take God's name in vain to make a comment?


Moderators comment,

I can only assume that this post was made in reply to one several comments up in which the words "God damn it" were used. I don't know why Drupal posted it way down here. But anyway let me explain.

I was told by a college Political Science teacher that saying "God Damn It" is not taking God's name in vain. The speaker is merely making a plea to God to do something that the speaker himself cannot do, it's like a prayer of sorts.

If you owe someone money and you tell them that, with God as your witness, you will pay them back on a certain day and secretly you have absolutely no plans of doing so, then you have taken God's name in vain. This teacher by the way had duel doctorates and one was in divinity.

Chief ThunderButt

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

UPDATE: My new exercise routine seems to help. Now my poop is hard and wipable. I also have been drinking more water and laying off the chocolate. (Sob!) I miss my chocolate cake ala mode!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Million wipers are caused by spicy things sometimes.
Don't add jalepenos to your sandwitches for a week, and I am sure you will improve to a degree.

Anonymous's picture


The Doc's picture

This is caused by mucus in your system. Mucus is caused by eating too much food that is high in fat, junk food etc and not drinking enough fluids. Increase your intake of fibre - wholegrain cereal, nuts, wholemeal bread, baked beans etc and you should avoid the million wiper moments. Dont foget to drink plenty too - especially in the heat.

Dont be a fool - wrap your tool.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The million wiper problem has returned, and not because of junk food. I have eaten mostly vegetarian, low-fat foods. Unfortunately, it is the antibiotic I took back in March that has messed up my ass. I will never take this stuff again. It's taken seven months to get back into rhythm from that crap, and it did nothing for the infection anyway.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

pooperoonski 2's picture

I am so happy i am not the only one who has to wipe their ass five hundred times a day .My
only solution is to buy scott toilet paper because it doesn't run out.I am driving my driving my wife nuts with my dirty heiny stories .I am going to try some of you guys solutions ! Thank you grateful million wiper

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture

I am sick and tired of this incessant wiping. It doesn't matter how much I wipe - my arsehole is still contaminated.
I do not eat red meat. I can't remember the last time I ate anything greasy. My diet consists mainly of vegetables (boiled, steamed, baked and raw), fruit, beans, and multi-grain bread. Sometimes I eat fish, seafood and chicken.
This is just not acceptable. I want a new excretory sytem. :(

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Its the beans, Camilla. It's the beans.

ThePerve's picture

I am also a million wiper. I find using sandpaper greatly increases efficiency in wiping my fat little arse. Unfortunately, i also have sticky poo. Little balls of poo, unflushable little blighters, love me so much they never want to leave the toilet. I have to get right in there with my hand which is quite embarrasing as i have brown hands. So far i've had success blaming this on a birth mark. Can anyone help me?? I'm desperate.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

O...kay.... *slowly backs away from ThePerve*

I've never really had this problem except when delivering large amounts of LiquiShit(TM), which naturally takes several wipes.

Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Itchyarseholey's picture

I have a sticky itchy bum all day.......its sticky fucking poo....never come out....i finger my asshole to get it out and 5 mins later need to go back in to wipe more. I also have hemroids so i bet that doesnt help but fuck i dunno.....i eat like shit....mcdeal menus all week......so thats my problem but i cant help it tastes too fucking good.

Sporadic Wiper Man's picture

I too suffer from sticky ass poo syndrome, but usually only when I have been on the alcohol the night before. I have examined the bog paper and along with its smell, the poo that I wipe from my anus looks sticky in constistency. Other days, when I am not on the "pop", my poo is normal - like an orange color. I can usually wipe twice and my anus is clean again. The best poos are the ones which only require 1 or 2 wipes.

Poo Man Chu's picture

I'm a million wiper too. I used to have a really bad diet, consisting of tons of cokes and whatever else. But I quite drinking cokes, I drink nothing but water and Crystal Light and eat normal. (mostly just turkey breast sandwiches with cheese on wheat bread)I eat mixed fruit cups daily and a bowl of honey bunches of oats cereal every single morning, also I now work out 3 to 4 times a week including cardio and weight lifting consistantly for 4 months. Yet I still am a million wiper. And just now I had a breakfast burrito with salsa and my my wipe looked thick red like the salsa. (I'm hoping its not blood though) I dont know what to do.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points

I think some people are just doomed to be million wipers, no matter what their diet or exercise program. My friend Bryan has sticky poop so instead of wiping he just hops in the shower and washes his butthole with a rag every time he takes a dump.

return of the sticky's picture

I have gotten the sticky anus syndrome for a while now. It seems like every poop I take is a watery one. Anyways, I wipe and wipe and wipe. Finally it comes clean. However, three hours later, my bunghole starts feeling a little unfresh, and I go and wipe and wipe and wipe some more. WHat the hell?

NOT OK AS IS's picture

It doesn't matter what I eat or sit or anything else, A million wiper I am. Most of my 57 year life has been that way. Everytime I Poop I pray for a clean wipe. That doesn't work either. Please help!!!

Omg's picture

Here are some guidelines for folks with stickypoo.

First of all, when taking the dump, bend over and place your feet up against the front of the toilet.

Second, after the poo has left the system, wiggle your ass a bit, this will make any large chunks of poo fall from the hair thus nearly solving the hairy aspects of this problem.

Third, take two pieces of toilet paper and put it between your thumb and your pointing finger, and go down there and make a pinching movement from your anus while pinching together your fingers. This will remove any other smeary parts of poo.

After doing that several times, take a paper n spit on it. Don't use water from the tap, just, damn spit on it and wipe a couple of times. Then do a few dry wipes, then a wet one, then some more dry wipes. Keep repeating this untill the anus region is clean again.

Fifth, take a can of good smelling stuff and SPRAY THAT AROUND THE F-ING TOILET. I hate it when I have to take a leak or dump in a 1 by 1 room that smells like a crackwhore's ass.

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture

Hello. This is Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels again.
I have eliminated beans from my diet. I have tried leaning forward and whatnot. Everything anyone here has suggested has been to no avail; my orifice is still minging. I wipe and wipe and wipe. It seems clean, so I get off the bog and leave the room, but something just doesn't feel right. So I go back for another wipe - and the fecal matter has returned with a vengeance!
I jump in the shower to try and get it off me, scour away with a rag (even tried a scrubbing brush), but when I get out, it's still there!!
Oh my stars!
I don't think I can take it anymore. :(

ring of fire's picture

mother fucker, just can't clean it, my problem is I only shit once a day and at weekends that's okay but through the week I always need to shit at work, where the toilet paper is closer to fuckin' sand paper, almost everytimle I flush the toilet almost blocks, get in there with the brush and get TP on the brush, feel sorry for my work mates. the only thing that seems to work for me is baby wipes but since I'm to ashamed to walk to the toilet infront of mly peers holding a pack of wipes I just go without, then by the time I get home at night I have a ring of fire, it does however die down a little once I've used likesay five wipes. the thing is, this just started like three months ago, I haven't changed my diet or anything, don't know what's happening, like pooperoonski I'm also driving my partner crazy with all this turd talk.
has anyone asked a doctor about it, and if so, what were his suggestions.
PS my poo isn't always wet, it's almost as if I have a little still there (which I can't feel) and so each time I wipe, It's acting like a pen writing on paper.
wise man says, go to bed with itchy ass, wake up in morning with smelly fingers.

Anonymous's picture

This is a frustrating problem. I had this problem for about six months. I started reading about the pasty poop and the problem was lack of fiber. I started on a teaspoon of psyllium husk (konsyl, Metamucil) mixed with orange juice,8 ounces, and followed up with 16 oz of water.

The next morning my bowel movement was solid with only two wipes! I was elated. I solved the million wipe problem. I also take probiotics to replace the intestinal flora. This helps enormously with gas and promotes regularity.

Stay away from junk food or limit it. Once a week it's okay. The soda is no good due to the carbonation, it gives you gas. Drink water. At least a quart a day if not more. The water creates the "bulk" when you take the fiber. It needs the water to form a healthy bowel movement. Trust me, I know.

Arse like a Japanese flag's picture

Ok, I have been on a three week diet and have gone from one extreme of almost water to that one night from 12PM till 5am where I was so solid I almost past out, I really do not feel like dying on the crapper. recently it seems everything is in small bits with mucus (probably fat) I should be 87.1 KG but haven't been in almost 3 days and weigh 89.9 at the momment. anyone here using the medication Cellcept? as this started not long after changing to that med but all the docs will to is reduce the dosage, it's an immune suppressent so I kind of need it to live. I'm sure that crap will be linked to CO2 somehow so it won't be long before it pops up on Sky News and CNN. maybe the is where the rap group so solid got there name from :)

Return of the Sticky's picture

OK, guys...I've found a cure for the million wiper. I hope you guys like dried apricots. I got a bag for Christmas. Lo and behold, my poops were damn near perfect. My chronic diarrhea and leaky ass were cured! Long live dried apricots! A HANDFUL A DAY KEEPS THE STICKY, MILLION WIPER SHITS AWAY. For me at least. :)

Cute little sticky pooper's picture

Dear Poop Nurse,

Can I start by saying that this is a seroius comment, and I think that despite all the fun and humour in your site, I can't help but realise that this is a seriously annoying and concerning problem. My poor little 16 month old daughter suffers from sticky poop. She can sometimes try to go 10 times a day and only manages small sticky poos with obvious traces still in there trying to get out. It has been a terrible time as she hd salmonella at 3 months, then 2 heavy doses of antibiotics to get rid of it. So I have been trying to figure out is it a consequence of the infection, the antibiotics or something else ( possibly all 3??). She is having antifungals, probiotics( good bacteria to replace the ones that the antibiotics killed off). However I have been looking up about salycilates which are natural chemicals found in most fruit and veggies. She gets a rash around her mouth and under her eyes allthe time usually worse after eating fruit and veggies. It is very interesting, so perhaps all those "million wipers" that are eating healthy diets and still can't figure it out, perhaps you should look up salicylates, amines and natural food chemicals. The diet known as Failsafe seems to know alot about it. But if anyone has any luck with this or knows anything about it, I would love to hear, so perhaps you could pass it on.

toodles mcpooples's picture

I'd say about 75% of my poo's are million wipers. I usually just wipe until its not so thug nasty down there, then hop in the shower and use it like a bidet (SP?). fresh as a daisy after that. soap up your ass hairs too fellas. or ladies shave those things.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i suffered with this for a few years, went abroad for 2 months .... no dairy, hey presto, back to normal. try giving up as much dairy products as you can for a bit and see what happens!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ok, this really helped me out...

For YEARS I would take a dump, wipe, and then a few hours later I would feel a little greasy so I would go to the john to wipe...and it was dirty again! Then I finally realized that if I used a wet-wipe, or just some water on some toilet paper, that would really clean the arse instead of just wiping it. Been brown-free since. Well, except when I try to loose weight and eat lots of fruit and veggies. Then occasionally a smudge will sneak out during a fart cause I'm not used to the extra (probably normal amount of) fiber.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have a suspicion that my sticky movements are related to dairy product consumption. I've known a while that my system is non-dairy, but I didn't connect that to stickiness. (For awhile I was a habitual liquid plumber,(regular enemas,) so I didn't have a chance to keep track, but lately I noticed a resurgence of sticky after a cheese/sour cream binge.)

For those talking about pinch techniques, or wiggling: there's no way that would help with truly sticky droppings. We are talking on the scale of actual adhesive, similar to bread dough on your fingers when you're kneading a loaf. (ew, no pun intended) It doesn't ever just come off, you have to use water and lots of agitation to actually dissolve it.

thanks for the resource!

Sticky Fangahs's picture

DUDE! I thought it was just me! I, too, have SPS (Sticky Poo Syndrome)!!! I go through wipes like you wouldn't believe! Dude... what do I do? It's a pain in the ass... literally!!!

Power Poo's picture

I too thought I must be the only one. I am sure it has something to do with what I eat, sometimes I do the perfect poos, but mostly just sticky ones... I am relatively fit and healthy, I do lots of exercise and I eat well. Well, so I thought. I have found that taking Metamucil (fibre product in Australia) helps, and I have also noticed that Probiotics help too. Even so, while they improve the poos, they don't give me the perfect poos. Interesting that some people have mentioned salicylates in fruit/veg. And dairy. I have quite a lot of both. I have sometimes thought maybe the fruit was a cause.... but everyone tells us to eat more fruit. Anyway, was great to read the comments and now I can try a few more things.... fingers crossed.

Millionwipermama's picture

I never shit in public thank God, and at home we are always armed with baby wipes. It cuts down on nasty skidmark underwear too, I guess that it is a guy thing......

Hopeless case's picture

I poo about once per day usually (occasionally miss a day) but it's a damn million wipe job every single time. I don't eat red meat and I don't eat much dairy, maybe cheese in some dishes but not often. I don't know what to change about my diet. I only ever drink water too. Lately I have had a bit of lower abdominal pain too which is somewhat relieved by doing a poo, but it never quite goes away. This is really depressing.

Big Female Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Most of the time, I have that. I poop 2-3 times a day. I have to use at least 1/4 roll every time I wipe. I poop, flush, then wipe, flush and wipe again. That;s why I rarely clogged the toilet Those million wipers suck

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points

If my poop takes more than two wipes, I go for the washcloth or damp toilet paper. I may catch Cheryl Crow's wrath using more than one square, but I don't flush a forest either.

Pissed Off Pooper's picture

I shit 3 to 4 times a day which really really pisses me off. I think maybe the little hairs in my asshole retain the shit juice and thus causes me to have an itchy ass. Whats fucked is I can wash my ass in the sink and check my shit hole in the mirror and I have definately removed all of the shit and shit juice that causes greasy itchy ass, almost every time I shit I have to go back and re-wipe the turd tunnels exit because it starts to itch! I wipe my ass so hard after a shit it often feels like I have been wounded in a car crash! Anyway something acidic must be causing my asshole to itch like this but I have no idea wtf it is. I use large amounts of shit paper everytime I take a shit, I am thinking about buying stock in one of the major shit paper companies. I sometimes fantasize about taking a scalpel and cutting out my own asshole. please someone tell me how to fix these problems!!!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

P-O-P, if I may suggest:


Always worked for me.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I think I can shed light on this subject. I have always had a hairy ass my whole life even as a kid. It used to drive my mother crazy with my as she so eloquently called it "poopstains". It got to a point where I was so sick of hearing her nagging and hollering I began to just hold onto the underwear til she did laundry then when the washer started just sneak them into the wash. This worked really well with the drawers I had bad skidmarks on. Then came the marvelous invention of the early "wet ones" They were great but mom never bought them. She did NOT understand NOR accept that even though I used 3/4 of a roll of TP that I still couldnt get my ass clean. Now let me just say it was the same damn thing she said about my dandruff. You arent rinsing your hair enough. People I stood under that fucking showerhead for 25 min how in GODS name could my hair NOT be rinsed? I love my mother but she is NUTS. Anyway I digress here is the main problem. If your ass is hairy that poop will just stay in the asscrack until something wet and soapy is applied. Sorry guys the only way to truly combat this problem is to buy a container of flushable wet wipes OR my own invention the "special washcloth" Now heres the thing about this washcloth, YOU MUST keep this cloth segregated from the other ones. Only use this to wash your ass. What I would do is put this washcloth on a separate hook beside the toilet or in a place only you know where it is. Next get some IVORY or DIAL soap bars in a separate container and use that soap with the washcloth to clean your ass crack. People I know it is a lot of work but you will save your underwear and a lot of grief and nagging by the other unsympathetic people in your life. And you will have a squeaky clean asscrack to boot.
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


oats n fiber's picture

Yup...been a chronic wiper too....when I fall off the plan. Which is..about every other day I take a short teaspoon of metamucil in a bowl of oatmeal and vanilla yogurt for breakfast. It is a miracle for me. Often the first wipe is nearly spotless. You may be able to substitute bran for metamucil every other time.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

It seems to me to depend on the type of turd if I wipe a lot or not. If it's one of those that tapers off to a point as it slides out, I can usually get clean in 2 or 3 wipes. If it's one that just hangs there and takes a lot of rocking back and forth or bouncing up and down before it breaks off, That'll be about a 50 wiper for me. I guess you just have to eat a mostly vegetable based diet to keep the wiping to a minimum.

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh yes,the pasties!I hate that when this happens!Wiping&wiping!My bunghole hurts so bad after this I can hardly sit down!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Two large glasses of Metamucil or Citrucel and 1/2 bag of Trader Joe's Mixed Dried Fruit. This will keep you regular and your turds soft.

If that doesn't work, consider getting your ass sprayed with Pam. It not only keeps poop from sticking to you ass but it also keeps fried foods from sticking to the pan.
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i get this when i eat cheese and cereal. i've always said the human body wasn't meant to digest dairy products and i could be right.

thunderturd2's picture

former anon coward... oh no! it's come back.. not as bad as before but worse than when i was in s.e. asia... i'm still sure it's diet related. maybe a total bum wax would help until we get to the bottom of the problem!

Mr Coffee's picture

25 cigarettes and 8 to 12 glasses of Latte a day - milk coffee. This must be the cause of my sticky poo. Sure I use heaps of TP, but I get my arse clean in the end. My big problem is the toilet bowl! Always gets pasted with a sludge of black. Can only be removed with toilet-duck and brush.

The Answer Man's picture

I too had all your problems. Solved it while sitting on the throne. After a couple wipes, I hit the shower, with my trusty hose connected to the water source, I give myself an awesome cleaning. Sticking that hose up my ass, feels so good. Clean all day. Smells good too!

chronic_butt_wiper's picture

The main thing I find that causes the chronic butt wiping thing is dairy. Dairy has something in it called casein that causes sticky mucus all over in the body.

Other things that can cause sticky poopy chronic butt wiping are :

dairy is the big contributer of sticky poop.

When I get more then 2 episodes of sticky poop that requires chronic butt wiping and cleaning a day I take half an anti-diarrhea pill it works most of the time. Also taking acidophilus pills will put the good bacteria back into the colon helping get rid of or decreasing that diabolical ever dreaded evil chronic butt wiping syndrom.

Sticky Jib's picture

yeah i have the same problem. my turd unfortunately landed across the hole in the toilet. so my mom plunged and the poop was pasted to the side of the crapper. i just wanted to share my great and stinky story

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

In my case, wiping technique is as important as fecal texture in creating and dealing with 10E6 wipers. A hurried or inaccurate first swipe of paper, combined with a soft-serve dump, can cause a smear that only spreads the more you try to wipe. Before you know it, you're just spackling your ass. When I realize I'm dealing with a smear, the solution is alternating dry/wet wipes. Without the wet wipe I run the risk of thinking I'm clean, when what I've really done is left a dry film that will be reactivated by perspiration, with gruesome results. Some million-wipers can't be avoided, but good technique can cut 'em down to dozen-wipers.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Mineral Oil. 2 table spoons a day for a week and 2 table spoons of fiber mix(orange taste good) in 8oz. glass 2 times a day. leakage can occur, but not bad.It works great exspecially if you are suffuring from bright red blood issues caused by anal tearing or sores from wiping. Note copied

*Mineral oil is a petroleum based product and is used as a lubricant type laxitive. Mineral oil does interfere with the absorption of some vitamins and minerals including, Beta-carotene, Calcium, Phosphorus, Potassium, Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, and Vitamin K. If you take a multivitamin with minerals you should take it 2 hours either before or after the mineral oil to ensure absorption.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Started taking fiber in the form of metamucil capsules each morning. Did the trick. No more having to go back to re-wipe.

Poop Angel's picture

Hi, Yes I have this problem too.

I don't eat (and haven't for years) any junk,no meat, no poultry, no fish, no aspartame and no MSG. So in my case it definitely cannot be those things ... as I don't consume them.

For myself, I have narrowed it down to probably Candida or mucus. I think as I eat such a healthy diet (mainly vegan raw foods) that, in my case, it is Candida. Some years ago I had to take a lot of antibiotics ... I think that was the trigger. It would be worth doing a very strict anti-candida diet for some months (which includes no dairy due to the lactose (sugar) that also feeds candida).

It might help.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Try a strict anti-candida diet.

Incomplete Evacuator's picture

I have only had about 5 perfect poos (1 wipe or less) in my entire life and I am 21. The remainder of my poos have been Million-Wiper's. It is embarrassing the time spent in the toilet, the amount of toilet paper used, and the need to re-wipe some time after to avoid embarrassment just in case some poo has stuck its head out to say hello again. So the problem that i have is that i finish my poo, but i feel that i still have more to poo, but it won't come out. I probably do not each much fibre in my diet because I am not a big fan of fruits/veggies. I do not eat very much, I am male only weighing 65KG, I play sport 3 times a week.
My plan: purchase dried apricots and eat them
: purchase Metamucil (dietary fibre supplement powder/capsule)
: eat bran/wholemeal breads/cereal etc.
: try to eat more fruit maybe!
: at the moment I will not cut down on my milk cosumption, because I have heard that others are caused by milk. But i will try the above, and see if it works!

Newbie's picture

Read all your comments - i have found its either cheese or fried onions that cause my problem. So I back the idea that cutting out certain dairy products will help :)

Anonymous Coward's picture

Gah! Don't mess about with your diet - life's too short, just wipe a couple of times then wash it in the sink or shower. If not possible, i.e. in public plenty of spit on the paper usually does it. Your ring will thank you.

Poop And Shower's picture

Wow ... I used to think I was the only one in the Universe with this problem.

Ever since I was a kid, I struggled with this -- and even now at 30, I still haven't found a solution. I still leave skidmarks occasionally on my underwear ... yet this can't be attributed to poor wiping techniques .... I'm one of those obsessive compulsive "clean freaks." No matter how many times I wiped, going through ½ to ¾ of toilet paper, sometimes even those 2 ply, giant, double or triple rolls, 50 to 100's of times, my ass still felt unwiped ... It's the sticky, doughy, dark shit that gets you every time ... Like you never quite "finish" the bowel movement, the feeling that your bunghole is still open. Then you wriggle on the toilet for 5 to 10 more minutes, waiting for those turd pieces to just let go. Then finally, you get up and can spend easily 20 minutes to an hour wiping, and just smear that hot butter stuff inside your arsecrack, wasting that expensive Cottonelle stuff you paid $12 for.

There's only one way to eliminate this problem: use a shower as a bidet. Soap & shampoo your arse, rinse, repeat ... Then you're clean as a whistle.

This works for a bachelor *cheers*

Now the difficult question: how do you hide this problem from your wife / girlfriend? It's strange to shower more than once a day if needed. Or if she wants to shower with you when you need to clean your ass ... Is there a way to say no without grossing her out? LOL

Folks, we've got to figure out how to stop this! If we can turn these sticky poopies into First Class Poopies, the ones that are clean already with one wipe ... Is it Oat Bran, fibre, dried apricots, vegetables, Metamucil that help? If I could ask my Doctor anonymously, I would love to find a solution to this embarrassing problem.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I thought i was the only one....... I love you guys

Anonymous Coward's picture

I thought I was the only one, too.

I have an extremely healthy diet (lots of fruits and veggies, organic, vegetarian...) the only dairy I eat is yogurt, and even that, only once in a while. No coffee. The only thing I can think of is I eat a lot of beans. I am an otherwise healthy 19 year old girl, but I wipe and wipe and wipe and never get clean. I end up showering, but even that takes a few rinses. Help!!!

Assholio's picture

The worst is when you push for a solid 45 seconds and you have a big greaser hanging halfway out your ass, and it either breaks off or you can't keep pushing so you pinch it off. That always leaves another one right there knocking at the door, but sometimes it won't come out no matter how much you push. Damn I hate that! And then when you wipe it's just like a damn paintbrush on the paper...that shit never comes clean! I'm going to try Metamucil. I gotta do something to get rid of the nasty greasers.

shit stormer's picture

i can vouch for all the above problems. Its so annoying. In the past yr ive developed an additional shit related problem. I, like most here, stand when wiping my arse but find that it 'snows' during this. Everytime after ive finished (had enough of) wiping, the white toilet lid is scattered with fallen flakes of shit and shit-ridden arse hairs!! How does that fit with the 21st century in any way?!

Sticky Aussie's picture

I have the sticky poo, itchy ass problem too. Have had for about 4 years.

For wiping (after much experimentation) the easiest is buy some sorbolene (with glycerene) lotion. Use a small smear of this on any toilet paper. It lubes up the area and it's much easier to clean without aggravating the skin down there. And you can carry a small tube with you whenever you think you might need it. I carried around "wet ones" for ages, but it's really awkward.

Yes, metamucil is good in the short term, but I hate the aspartame in it.

Used the microbacteria pills - none of them work.

Use the natural set acidophilus yoghurt. It works consistently.

I ended up going ot a specialist becasue it became so painful I could hardly walk sometimes. He's put me on low dose amytriptylene (which is an anti-depressant). This works, but it's side affects aren't great. See a specialist though. I'll keep you informed if we find a long term cure.

BTW - tried all the different diet changes.

Water Boy's picture

Okay, can we just take a quick survey?

- Who else took antibiotics before this started happening?
- Are you Vegetarian?
- Do doctors diagnose you with IBS?

I find that I'm at my best when I'm consuming enough water. But then, I have to drink a hell of a lot of water to get to that point. My problems get worse when I eat a lot of bran or insoluble fiber. Metamucil seems to help, but it's not the complete solution. In fact, sometimes I think just drinking the water to get the metamucil down is what's really helping. Fiber pills just don't seem to cut it.

I've been a vegetarian for ten years. I've often considered going back on for a year to see if my conditions improve. I've been having these problems for 2.5 years.

I took an antibiotic and almost instantly this started happening. The Doctors have told me that it has nothing to do with antibiotics. I trust them, but I don't think thy completely understand.

Tears for Smears's picture

Finally, kindred spirits! I thought I was the only one in the universe that dreaded shitting. Back in the day it would pinch off clean, a few wipes, and I'm outta there. For the past 10 years, it seems every time I shit turns into a fucking pudding-fest with me using 50% of the roll of tp...most times I wish I had a spatula to scrape away the remains..I thought it might be that my a-hole doesn't pinch properly; maybe it's lost it's elasticity...but I don't see how that could be, it's not like I have my pooper regularly stretched out by anything, it's exit only for this fella.
What a pain in the ass (!) to sit there and get that sinking feeling as I glance at the first wipe (of course there's enough toilet paper that my hand looks like a baseball mitt) and sure enough I've got a fistful of chocolate frosting! Then I grab another 20 sheets, wet 'em, and wipe again. Of course, my hand comes back holding more watered-down goo, and my butt is still dispensing soft-serve! Then I flush, 'cause the bowl's half-full and I don't want it to choke, and it's back to the dry/wet wipe until I'm clean. As funny as this is, it sucks to have to do this day in/day out. And of course, there's always the joy of getting to go back and do the 'maintenance wipe' a half hour later. When I finally do have a 'dry dump' I almost want to take a picture of it and give it a name...
signed, "Dreaming of the Perfectly-pinched Loaf"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Welcome home, Tears. Pull up a toilet seat and stay awhile.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Anonymous Coward's picture

i am a multi wiper also.... It is fat alcohol and fibre,,, too much or too little and lack of chewing,,,, anyway it helps me

Anonymous Coward's picture

also artificial sweetner is a big bowel fuck up,,, and sulphates and preservatives

Tiredofwiping's picture

Has anyone tried a detox to see if that helps. I hate is when you sit down to take a good shit and its literally like peanut butter. At the end no satisfaction just a whole lot of wiping. Lucky I have wipes on hand because I have kids but still end up leaking and and hour later feel sticky and sweaty down there. I read from a Dr's column that an itchy anus could be the sign of pin worms so have your self checked.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I can really relate to this. I also have this problem. Only had it for the past 2 years though, and I have no idea what caused it to start. the best way to avoid it that I've found, is to only go once a day, and try to time it to the night. Drink a lot of water before going to bed, so you'll wake up and need to pee, then poop away.
But I can't go through life timing every poop..
There must be a permanent solution for it.
I also feel like I've lost the ability to "cut" like I used to, but I can't understand why that should happen all of a sudden.

Enough_Of_This_Shit's picture

Oh I have this problem with half of my craps and I am getting damn sick of it. Metamucil helps alot but I would like to find out what exactly is causing it. I think this problem is mostly diet related for most people. The usual suspects seem to be fatty foods, dairy, anything spicy, and coffee but I have another theory.

I think, since I see people ranging from omnivores to vegetarians complaining about this popping up in the last few years, that it may have to do with the amount of preservatives present in all foods in this day and age. Think about it. Everything in the supermarket is treated with some bullshit profit maximizing preservative whether it be hormone injected meats, veggies or dairy. The proliferation of food preserving toxins seems to be a more recent phenomenon due to organic foods becoming popular suddenly. I think we are all being poisoned slowly. Perhaps the only way to avoid this is to buy all veggies fresh and organic and all meats pasture raised but you need to be rich to do that.

This is all speculation of course so take it with a grain of salt but I think the problem is not us.

Laughing my ass off's picture

Damn some of these posts are making me cry with laughter, the "big greaser" further up (Assholio) had me in stitches.
Anyway, I have to sympathise, I too have a problem, maybe not as bad as some on here but mine is compounded as I have Psoriasis. I tend to find in places like my eyelids and unfortunately my ass I get a sore area. This means whenever I get water or anything wet near either my eyelids or my ass it stings like ****. I have been given something by my doc which I have to wipe on at night and morning which helps to a point but getting dodgy dumps means cleaning is bloody painful. You can tell when its going to be a bad on, its seems like its arrived too early, ie hasn't formed properly. Nothing to add myself i'm afraid just that I share your pain my brothers and sisters of shit stickers.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Thanks! im not the only one i see. This probelmo of feeling like my poop is still hanging was one of the most awfull experiences...i have now even been offered to take prozac due to the menatl effect it has done to me. I feel dirty sometimes and i even feel like i smell when i realy dont. I just hate the fact of even being dirty down there just a litlebit. I hate it! thank you guys...i feel normal again!thanks! i have not solved the problem although increasing fiber help a bit for two weeks then it whent back to normal....

stuck on the pot's picture

Ah, the magic of the web.... it's great to have found others in the same predicament as me. As i move through a normal progression of wiping, wet and dry, moving to less and less residue, as i get to what i think will be my last "safety wipe", i am always startled to find that i have taken about 20 steps (or wipes) backwards having returned to a heavy residue phase. This may happen 3 or 4 times...putting me up in the 50-100 total wipe range.

Anyone think there is a volunatry/involunatry muscle aspect of this?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Stuck, you might consider moving close to a Georgia Pacific plant. They could deliver directly to you by truck, at a huge cost savings.

another million wiper with a tool's picture

Dear, Million Wipers.

I think to have found the end all be all tool. After you million wipe, if your still are worried about the Skid Row on your draws.. Take a bit of that morsel we call Tp and roll it up(into what big black from rob and big calls a manpon). I was weary of trying this it really does work, Manpons work.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I've had many miles of paper cruising my crack, and never once considered a manpon. This is a slippery slope (no pun intended). The next thing you know we will have a tv talk show with men expressing their feelings and cackling about other nonsense.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

PD, where on earth did you get those shoes?

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

What? They don't go with my tutu?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

au contraire mon fraire...they are stunning...and what they do for your calves...now if you only had some sheep.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Just wanted to say how much I love the two of you. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your shoulders to cry on. By the way, do you ever feel you really need to cry, but you don't know why?


prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You really think my calves look good? Whenever I look in the mirror, all I see are thankles.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

And whenever you need a hug LJ just call my name and I'll be there. Eeeeeeek, I think I just saw a mouse.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

All the time, LJ...all the time...particularly if I'm feeling bloated, and fat, and...well....just ugly, you ( sigh) know what I mean? (sniff)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Don't talk like that, Bidge. I'd kill to have your body. (This just occurred to me. If you wanted someones body, you'd pretty much HAVE to kill them. Ewwww. I'm never going to say that again.)


prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I think I am going to eat a large bag of M&M's

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yes, PD, I'm with you on that, some comfort food...I'm craving a bologna and peanut butter and pickle sammich

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bilge, do you think you can get this thread back on track, using the peanut butter as a segway. I'm counting on you.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

well, I have found that when I am cursed with a peanut buttery million wiper (chunky), whole wheat bread works very well, usually two slices...although I have used sourdough with good results as well.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

It would be more like Nutella than peanut butter at that point.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

prarie doggin's picture
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Wasn't there a million wiper march a few years ago?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

yeah, but it was downplayed in the media, cuz every single marcher was dragging toilet paper on the heels of their shoes.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'm sorry, PD, this eating me alive...everybody knows I wouldn't wipe with bread, thats just silly, and the crumbs...GOOD LORD!!!...I use a cat.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I knew that silly! I assumed you were on a fancy cruise ship, and there were no cats. A nice long loaf of Italian bread cut into a long wedge would probably work best anyway.

Hey, you're coming up on your 1k. How should we celebrate? Should I order the party hats and noise makers, or should we just go to Chuckie Cheese?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Don't rule out Adoption Saturdays at the local Homeless Kitties Society, and then Chuck E Cheese. Bidge likes to multi-task.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points

Just remember, those halcyon days of the Crapomatic. Ok, there were injuries, but when it worked, boy did it work!

like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You're right Daphne. I was too excited at the thought of going dookie diving into the urine smelling plactic balls with Bilge.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This thread is too too funny. I have gotten a lot of good information and very entertained as well. Thanks

Muccy Fudger's picture

Hi All,

It has been mentioned several times in this thread that excess fat is the immediate cause of the greasy, sticky, million wipers. I can vouch for this. I've kept a log of my diet and poop consistency for a few months. One problem, is my "transit time" is long 2-4 days (variable) so it is hard to correlate what I eat with what I shit, without a detailed log (and eating "marker" foods, like corn, every few days to help get a sense of the timing.

Anyway, one thing I can confirm is that fat definately causes the immediate problem. If I go completely fat free, keeping my diet limited to fruits, veggies, and extremely lowfat meats (i.e. chicken breasts), my poops start coming out clean as a fart whistle. (veggetarians take note: if I don't include a fair amount of animal protein, then it comes out mushy, but not sticky)

BUT, here's the thing. Your body is supposed to absorb nearly 100% of fat, so if you get fat in your stool, it signifies a fairly serious problem (liver, gall bladder, pancreas, or something like Celiac disease).

Try going 100% fat free for at least two weeks, and see what happens. If it fixes the problem, then see a doctor about your fat malabsorption problem.

BUT, don't stay completely fat free. As I did this experiment on myself, after about 2 weeks, the backs of my hands got extremely dry and flaky and painful -- a result of deficiency of essential fatty acids (omega-6, omega-3, etc.).

Right now I take omega-3/6/9 supplements, and consume almost no other fat, so I take in only about 5-10 grams of fat per day. This seems to be low enough.

I have yet myself to see a doctor about the underlying cause of fat malabsorption. I'm hoping it is something like Celiac disease -- all you have to do there is stop eating gluten (wheat, mostly), and over a period of 6 months to a year, the damage to your intestines repairs itself and you start absorbing fat normally again.

If you have tried without success going "gluten free" or "dairy free" or any of those things, bear in mind those foods may be responsible for building up long-term damage to your intestines, and the damage may take a year or even longer to repair. It is getting fat out of your diet that will give you immediate (within about a week) results.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to some of you. Here are some useful keywords to google:

malabsorption or 'fat malabsorption'
steatorrhea (technical term for fat in your poop)
celiac or 'celiac sprue' or 'celiac disease'

One last recommendation (others have mentioned this): get a handheld shower sprayer that has a good strong "massage jet" mode, take shower after every shit, and don't be shy about rubbing fingers and soap way up in there.

Best of luck!

Stinky opo's picture

Just use baby whipes man and then whipe with regular toilet paper. Bring a zip lock bag of them to work or whereever you go. no shame. simple solution.

Genre's picture

I believe I have the solution to this - and it has nothing to do with eating habits. Sure, the poop is softer if you eat a lot of fiber (which is good), but this is what I've found:

A lot of times, as humans, we focus on obsessive behaviors. This means, some of us like to poop once a day to make ourselves feel comfortable (even if we don't have to). My theory is that million-wipers-syndrome occurs when we take a poop when we DON'T HAVE TO and are forcing ourselves to because of obsessiveness. So, if we just poop when we have to instead of when our mind forces us to, we can avoid this issue of having to use 1,000,000 wipes. Try it.