why do I wipe so much?

// // 401 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.





Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












401 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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UPDATE: My new exercise routine seems to help. Now my poop is hard and wipable. I also have been drinking more water and laying off the chocolate. (Sob!) I miss my chocolate cake ala mode!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Slim Jim Junkie's picture
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Million wipers are caused by spicy things sometimes.
Don't add jalepenos to your sandwitches for a week, and I am sure you will improve to a degree.

The Doc's picture
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This is caused by mucus in your system. Mucus is caused by eating too much food that is high in fat, junk food etc and not drinking enough fluids. Increase your intake of fibre - wholegrain cereal, nuts, wholemeal bread, baked beans etc and you should avoid the million wiper moments. Dont foget to drink plenty too - especially in the heat.

Dont be a fool - wrap your tool.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The million wiper problem has returned, and not because of junk food. I have eaten mostly vegetarian, low-fat foods. Unfortunately, it is the antibiotic I took back in March that has messed up my ass. I will never take this stuff again. It's taken seven months to get back into rhythm from that crap, and it did nothing for the infection anyway.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

pooperoonski 2's picture
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I am so happy i am not the only one who has to wipe their ass five hundred times a day .My
only solution is to buy scott toilet paper because it doesn't run out.I am driving my driving my wife nuts with my dirty heiny stories .I am going to try some of you guys solutions ! Thank you grateful million wiper
Pooperoonski!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture
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I am sick and tired of this incessant wiping. It doesn't matter how much I wipe - my arsehole is still contaminated.
I do not eat red meat. I can't remember the last time I ate anything greasy. My diet consists mainly of vegetables (boiled, steamed, baked and raw), fruit, beans, and multi-grain bread. Sometimes I eat fish, seafood and chicken.
This is just not acceptable. I want a new excretory sytem. :(

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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Its the beans, Camilla. It's the beans.

ThePerve's picture
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Hi,
I am also a million wiper. I find using sandpaper greatly increases efficiency in wiping my fat little arse. Unfortunately, i also have sticky poo. Little balls of poo, unflushable little blighters, love me so much they never want to leave the toilet. I have to get right in there with my hand which is quite embarrasing as i have brown hands. So far i've had success blaming this on a birth mark. Can anyone help me?? I'm desperate.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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O...kay.... *slowly backs away from ThePerve*

I've never really had this problem except when delivering large amounts of LiquiShit(TM), which naturally takes several wipes.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Itchyarseholey's picture
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I have a sticky itchy bum all day.......its sticky fucking poo....never come out....i finger my asshole to get it out and 5 mins later need to go back in to wipe more. I also have hemroids so i bet that doesnt help but fuck i dunno.....i eat like shit....mcdeal menus all week......so thats my problem but i cant help it tastes too fucking good.

Sporadic Wiper Man's picture
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I too suffer from sticky ass poo syndrome, but usually only when I have been on the alcohol the night before. I have examined the bog paper and along with its smell, the poo that I wipe from my anus looks sticky in constistency. Other days, when I am not on the "pop", my poo is normal - like an orange color. I can usually wipe twice and my anus is clean again. The best poos are the ones which only require 1 or 2 wipes.

Poo Man Chu's picture
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I'm a million wiper too. I used to have a really bad diet, consisting of tons of cokes and whatever else. But I quite drinking cokes, I drink nothing but water and Crystal Light and eat normal. (mostly just turkey breast sandwiches with cheese on wheat bread)I eat mixed fruit cups daily and a bowl of honey bunches of oats cereal every single morning, also I now work out 3 to 4 times a week including cardio and weight lifting consistantly for 4 months. Yet I still am a million wiper. And just now I had a breakfast burrito with salsa and my my wipe looked thick red like the salsa. (I'm hoping its not blood though) I dont know what to do.

Rectal Badger's picture
l 100+ points
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I think some people are just doomed to be million wipers, no matter what their diet or exercise program. My friend Bryan has sticky poop so instead of wiping he just hops in the shower and washes his butthole with a rag every time he takes a dump.

return of the sticky's picture
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I have gotten the sticky anus syndrome for a while now. It seems like every poop I take is a watery one. Anyways, I wipe and wipe and wipe. Finally it comes clean. However, three hours later, my bunghole starts feeling a little unfresh, and I go and wipe and wipe and wipe some more. WHat the hell?

NOT OK AS IS's picture
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It doesn't matter what I eat or sit or anything else, A million wiper I am. Most of my 57 year life has been that way. Everytime I Poop I pray for a clean wipe. That doesn't work either. Please help!!!

Omg's picture
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Here are some guidelines for folks with stickypoo.

First of all, when taking the dump, bend over and place your feet up against the front of the toilet.

Second, after the poo has left the system, wiggle your ass a bit, this will make any large chunks of poo fall from the hair thus nearly solving the hairy aspects of this problem.

Third, take two pieces of toilet paper and put it between your thumb and your pointing finger, and go down there and make a pinching movement from your anus while pinching together your fingers. This will remove any other smeary parts of poo.

After doing that several times, take a paper n spit on it. Don't use water from the tap, just, damn spit on it and wipe a couple of times. Then do a few dry wipes, then a wet one, then some more dry wipes. Keep repeating this untill the anus region is clean again.

Fifth, take a can of good smelling stuff and SPRAY THAT AROUND THE F-ING TOILET. I hate it when I have to take a leak or dump in a 1 by 1 room that smells like a crackwhore's ass.

Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels's picture
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Hello. This is Mr. Camilla Parker Bowels again.
I have eliminated beans from my diet. I have tried leaning forward and whatnot. Everything anyone here has suggested has been to no avail; my orifice is still minging. I wipe and wipe and wipe. It seems clean, so I get off the bog and leave the room, but something just doesn't feel right. So I go back for another wipe - and the fecal matter has returned with a vengeance!
I jump in the shower to try and get it off me, scour away with a rag (even tried a scrubbing brush), but when I get out, it's still there!!
Oh my stars!
I don't think I can take it anymore. :(

ring of fire's picture
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mother fucker, just can't clean it, my problem is I only shit once a day and at weekends that's okay but through the week I always need to shit at work, where the toilet paper is closer to fuckin' sand paper, almost everytimle I flush the toilet almost blocks, get in there with the brush and get TP on the brush, feel sorry for my work mates. the only thing that seems to work for me is baby wipes but since I'm to ashamed to walk to the toilet infront of mly peers holding a pack of wipes I just go without, then by the time I get home at night I have a ring of fire, it does however die down a little once I've used likesay five wipes. the thing is, this just started like three months ago, I haven't changed my diet or anything, don't know what's happening, like pooperoonski I'm also driving my partner crazy with all this turd talk.
has anyone asked a doctor about it, and if so, what were his suggestions.
PS my poo isn't always wet, it's almost as if I have a little still there (which I can't feel) and so each time I wipe, It's acting like a pen writing on paper.
_____________________________________________
wise man says, go to bed with itchy ass, wake up in morning with smelly fingers.

Arse like a Japanese flag's picture
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Ok, I have been on a three week diet and have gone from one extreme of almost water to that one night from 12PM till 5am where I was so solid I almost past out, I really do not feel like dying on the crapper. recently it seems everything is in small bits with mucus (probably fat) I should be 87.1 KG but haven't been in almost 3 days and weigh 89.9 at the momment. anyone here using the medication Cellcept? as this started not long after changing to that med but all the docs will to is reduce the dosage, it's an immune suppressent so I kind of need it to live. I'm sure that crap will be linked to CO2 somehow so it won't be long before it pops up on Sky News and CNN. maybe the is where the rap group so solid got there name from :)

Return of the Sticky's picture
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OK, guys...I've found a cure for the million wiper. I hope you guys like dried apricots. I got a bag for Christmas. Lo and behold, my poops were damn near perfect. My chronic diarrhea and leaky ass were cured! Long live dried apricots! A HANDFUL A DAY KEEPS THE STICKY, MILLION WIPER SHITS AWAY. For me at least. :)

Cute little sticky pooper's picture
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Dear Poop Nurse,

Can I start by saying that this is a seroius comment, and I think that despite all the fun and humour in your site, I can't help but realise that this is a seriously annoying and concerning problem. My poor little 16 month old daughter suffers from sticky poop. She can sometimes try to go 10 times a day and only manages small sticky poos with obvious traces still in there trying to get out. It has been a terrible time as she hd salmonella at 3 months, then 2 heavy doses of antibiotics to get rid of it. So I have been trying to figure out is it a consequence of the infection, the antibiotics or something else ( possibly all 3??). She is having antifungals, probiotics( good bacteria to replace the ones that the antibiotics killed off). However I have been looking up about salycilates which are natural chemicals found in most fruit and veggies. She gets a rash around her mouth and under her eyes allthe time usually worse after eating fruit and veggies. It is very interesting, so perhaps all those "million wipers" that are eating healthy diets and still can't figure it out, perhaps you should look up salicylates, amines and natural food chemicals. The diet known as Failsafe seems to know alot about it. But if anyone has any luck with this or knows anything about it, I would love to hear, so perhaps you could pass it on.

toodles mcpooples's picture
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I'd say about 75% of my poo's are million wipers. I usually just wipe until its not so thug nasty down there, then hop in the shower and use it like a bidet (SP?). fresh as a daisy after that. soap up your ass hairs too fellas. or ladies shave those things.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i suffered with this for a few years, went abroad for 2 months .... no dairy, hey presto, back to normal. try giving up as much dairy products as you can for a bit and see what happens!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Ok, this really helped me out...

For YEARS I would take a dump, wipe, and then a few hours later I would feel a little greasy so I would go to the john to wipe...and it was dirty again! Then I finally realized that if I used a wet-wipe, or just some water on some toilet paper, that would really clean the arse instead of just wiping it. Been brown-free since. Well, except when I try to loose weight and eat lots of fruit and veggies. Then occasionally a smudge will sneak out during a fart cause I'm not used to the extra (probably normal amount of) fiber.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have a suspicion that my sticky movements are related to dairy product consumption. I've known a while that my system is non-dairy, but I didn't connect that to stickiness. (For awhile I was a habitual liquid plumber,(regular enemas,) so I didn't have a chance to keep track, but lately I noticed a resurgence of sticky after a cheese/sour cream binge.)

For those talking about pinch techniques, or wiggling: there's no way that would help with truly sticky droppings. We are talking on the scale of actual adhesive, similar to bread dough on your fingers when you're kneading a loaf. (ew, no pun intended) It doesn't ever just come off, you have to use water and lots of agitation to actually dissolve it.

thanks for the resource!

Sticky Fangahs's picture
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DUDE! I thought it was just me! I, too, have SPS (Sticky Poo Syndrome)!!! I go through wipes like you wouldn't believe! Dude... what do I do? It's a pain in the ass... literally!!!

Power Poo's picture
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I too thought I must be the only one. I am sure it has something to do with what I eat, sometimes I do the perfect poos, but mostly just sticky ones... I am relatively fit and healthy, I do lots of exercise and I eat well. Well, so I thought. I have found that taking Metamucil (fibre product in Australia) helps, and I have also noticed that Probiotics help too. Even so, while they improve the poos, they don't give me the perfect poos. Interesting that some people have mentioned salicylates in fruit/veg. And dairy. I have quite a lot of both. I have sometimes thought maybe the fruit was a cause.... but everyone tells us to eat more fruit. Anyway, was great to read the comments and now I can try a few more things.... fingers crossed.

Millionwipermama's picture
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I never shit in public thank God, and at home we are always armed with baby wipes. It cuts down on nasty skidmark underwear too, I guess that it is a guy thing......

Hopeless case's picture
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I poo about once per day usually (occasionally miss a day) but it's a damn million wipe job every single time. I don't eat red meat and I don't eat much dairy, maybe cheese in some dishes but not often. I don't know what to change about my diet. I only ever drink water too. Lately I have had a bit of lower abdominal pain too which is somewhat relieved by doing a poo, but it never quite goes away. This is really depressing.

Big Female Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Most of the time, I have that. I poop 2-3 times a day. I have to use at least 1/4 roll every time I wipe. I poop, flush, then wipe, flush and wipe again. That;s why I rarely clogged the toilet Those million wipers suck

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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If my poop takes more than two wipes, I go for the washcloth or damp toilet paper. I may catch Cheryl Crow's wrath using more than one square, but I don't flush a forest either.

Pissed Off Pooper's picture
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I shit 3 to 4 times a day which really really pisses me off. I think maybe the little hairs in my asshole retain the shit juice and thus causes me to have an itchy ass. Whats fucked is I can wash my ass in the sink and check my shit hole in the mirror and I have definately removed all of the shit and shit juice that causes greasy itchy ass, almost every time I shit I have to go back and re-wipe the turd tunnels exit because it starts to itch! I wipe my ass so hard after a shit it often feels like I have been wounded in a car crash! Anyway something acidic must be causing my asshole to itch like this but I have no idea wtf it is. I use large amounts of shit paper everytime I take a shit, I am thinking about buying stock in one of the major shit paper companies. I sometimes fantasize about taking a scalpel and cutting out my own asshole. please someone tell me how to fix these problems!!!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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P-O-P, if I may suggest:

Leeches.

Always worked for me.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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I think I can shed light on this subject. I have always had a hairy ass my whole life even as a kid. It used to drive my mother crazy with my as she so eloquently called it "poopstains". It got to a point where I was so sick of hearing her nagging and hollering I began to just hold onto the underwear til she did laundry then when the washer started just sneak them into the wash. This worked really well with the drawers I had bad skidmarks on. Then came the marvelous invention of the early "wet ones" They were great but mom never bought them. She did NOT understand NOR accept that even though I used 3/4 of a roll of TP that I still couldnt get my ass clean. Now let me just say it was the same damn thing she said about my dandruff. You arent rinsing your hair enough. People I stood under that fucking showerhead for 25 min how in GODS name could my hair NOT be rinsed? I love my mother but she is NUTS. Anyway I digress here is the main problem. If your ass is hairy that poop will just stay in the asscrack until something wet and soapy is applied. Sorry guys the only way to truly combat this problem is to buy a container of flushable wet wipes OR my own invention the "special washcloth" Now heres the thing about this washcloth, YOU MUST keep this cloth segregated from the other ones. Only use this to wash your ass. What I would do is put this washcloth on a separate hook beside the toilet or in a place only you know where it is. Next get some IVORY or DIAL soap bars in a separate container and use that soap with the washcloth to clean your ass crack. People I know it is a lot of work but you will save your underwear and a lot of grief and nagging by the other unsympathetic people in your life. And you will have a squeaky clean asscrack to boot.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

oats n fiber's picture
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Yup...been a chronic wiper too....when I fall off the plan. Which is..about every other day I take a short teaspoon of metamucil in a bowl of oatmeal and vanilla yogurt for breakfast. It is a miracle for me. Often the first wipe is nearly spotless. You may be able to substitute bran for metamucil every other time.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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It seems to me to depend on the type of turd if I wipe a lot or not. If it's one of those that tapers off to a point as it slides out, I can usually get clean in 2 or 3 wipes. If it's one that just hangs there and takes a lot of rocking back and forth or bouncing up and down before it breaks off, That'll be about a 50 wiper for me. I guess you just have to eat a mostly vegetable based diet to keep the wiping to a minimum.

fartqueen's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Oh yes,the pasties!I hate that when this happens!Wiping&wiping!My bunghole hurts so bad after this I can hardly sit down!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Two large glasses of Metamucil or Citrucel and 1/2 bag of Trader Joe's Mixed Dried Fruit. This will keep you regular and your turds soft.

If that doesn't work, consider getting your ass sprayed with Pam. It not only keeps poop from sticking to you ass but it also keeps fried foods from sticking to the pan.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i get this when i eat cheese and cereal. i've always said the human body wasn't meant to digest dairy products and i could be right.

thunderturd2's picture
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former anon coward... oh no! it's come back.. not as bad as before but worse than when i was in s.e. asia... i'm still sure it's diet related. maybe a total bum wax would help until we get to the bottom of the problem!

Mr Coffee's picture
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25 cigarettes and 8 to 12 glasses of Latte a day - milk coffee. This must be the cause of my sticky poo. Sure I use heaps of TP, but I get my arse clean in the end. My big problem is the toilet bowl! Always gets pasted with a sludge of black. Can only be removed with toilet-duck and brush.

The Answer Man's picture
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I too had all your problems. Solved it while sitting on the throne. After a couple wipes, I hit the shower, with my trusty hose connected to the water source, I give myself an awesome cleaning. Sticking that hose up my ass, feels so good. Clean all day. Smells good too!
mrclubagent1@aim.com

chronic_butt_wiper's picture
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The main thing I find that causes the chronic butt wiping thing is dairy. Dairy has something in it called casein that causes sticky mucus all over in the body.

Other things that can cause sticky poopy chronic butt wiping are :

pork
MSG
aspartame
dairy is the big contributer of sticky poop.

When I get more then 2 episodes of sticky poop that requires chronic butt wiping and cleaning a day I take half an anti-diarrhea pill it works most of the time. Also taking acidophilus pills will put the good bacteria back into the colon helping get rid of or decreasing that diabolical ever dreaded evil chronic butt wiping syndrom.

Sticky Jib's picture
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yeah i have the same problem. my turd unfortunately landed across the hole in the toilet. so my mom plunged and the poop was pasted to the side of the crapper. i just wanted to share my great and stinky story

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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In my case, wiping technique is as important as fecal texture in creating and dealing with 10E6 wipers. A hurried or inaccurate first swipe of paper, combined with a soft-serve dump, can cause a smear that only spreads the more you try to wipe. Before you know it, you're just spackling your ass. When I realize I'm dealing with a smear, the solution is alternating dry/wet wipes. Without the wet wipe I run the risk of thinking I'm clean, when what I've really done is left a dry film that will be reactivated by perspiration, with gruesome results. Some million-wipers can't be avoided, but good technique can cut 'em down to dozen-wipers.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Mineral Oil. 2 table spoons a day for a week and 2 table spoons of fiber mix(orange taste good) in 8oz. glass 2 times a day. leakage can occur, but not bad.It works great exspecially if you are suffuring from bright red blood issues caused by anal tearing or sores from wiping. Note copied

*Mineral oil is a petroleum based product and is used as a lubricant type laxitive. Mineral oil does interfere with the absorption of some vitamins and minerals including, Beta-carotene, Calcium, Phosphorus, Potassium, Vitamin A, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, and Vitamin K. If you take a multivitamin with minerals you should take it 2 hours either before or after the mineral oil to ensure absorption.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Started taking fiber in the form of metamucil capsules each morning. Did the trick. No more having to go back to re-wipe.

Poop Angel's picture
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Hi, Yes I have this problem too.

I don't eat (and haven't for years) any junk,no meat, no poultry, no fish, no aspartame and no MSG. So in my case it definitely cannot be those things ... as I don't consume them.

For myself, I have narrowed it down to probably Candida or mucus. I think as I eat such a healthy diet (mainly vegan raw foods) that, in my case, it is Candida. Some years ago I had to take a lot of antibiotics ... I think that was the trigger. It would be worth doing a very strict anti-candida diet for some months (which includes no dairy due to the lactose (sugar) that also feeds candida).

It might help.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Try a strict anti-candida diet.

Incomplete Evacuator's picture
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I have only had about 5 perfect poos (1 wipe or less) in my entire life and I am 21. The remainder of my poos have been Million-Wiper's. It is embarrassing the time spent in the toilet, the amount of toilet paper used, and the need to re-wipe some time after to avoid embarrassment just in case some poo has stuck its head out to say hello again. So the problem that i have is that i finish my poo, but i feel that i still have more to poo, but it won't come out. I probably do not each much fibre in my diet because I am not a big fan of fruits/veggies. I do not eat very much, I am male only weighing 65KG, I play sport 3 times a week.
My plan: purchase dried apricots and eat them
: purchase Metamucil (dietary fibre supplement powder/capsule)
: eat bran/wholemeal breads/cereal etc.
: try to eat more fruit maybe!
: at the moment I will not cut down on my milk cosumption, because I have heard that others are caused by milk. But i will try the above, and see if it works!

Newbie's picture
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Read all your comments - i have found its either cheese or fried onions that cause my problem. So I back the idea that cutting out certain dairy products will help :)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Gah! Don't mess about with your diet - life's too short, just wipe a couple of times then wash it in the sink or shower. If not possible, i.e. in public plenty of spit on the paper usually does it. Your ring will thank you.

Poop And Shower's picture
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Wow ... I used to think I was the only one in the Universe with this problem.

Ever since I was a kid, I struggled with this -- and even now at 30, I still haven't found a solution. I still leave skidmarks occasionally on my underwear ... yet this can't be attributed to poor wiping techniques .... I'm one of those obsessive compulsive "clean freaks." No matter how many times I wiped, going through ½ to ¾ of toilet paper, sometimes even those 2 ply, giant, double or triple rolls, 50 to 100's of times, my ass still felt unwiped ... It's the sticky, doughy, dark shit that gets you every time ... Like you never quite "finish" the bowel movement, the feeling that your bunghole is still open. Then you wriggle on the toilet for 5 to 10 more minutes, waiting for those turd pieces to just let go. Then finally, you get up and can spend easily 20 minutes to an hour wiping, and just smear that hot butter stuff inside your arsecrack, wasting that expensive Cottonelle stuff you paid $12 for.

There's only one way to eliminate this problem: use a shower as a bidet. Soap & shampoo your arse, rinse, repeat ... Then you're clean as a whistle.

This works for a bachelor *cheers*

Now the difficult question: how do you hide this problem from your wife / girlfriend? It's strange to shower more than once a day if needed. Or if she wants to shower with you when you need to clean your ass ... Is there a way to say no without grossing her out? LOL

Folks, we've got to figure out how to stop this! If we can turn these sticky poopies into First Class Poopies, the ones that are clean already with one wipe ... Is it Oat Bran, fibre, dried apricots, vegetables, Metamucil that help? If I could ask my Doctor anonymously, I would love to find a solution to this embarrassing problem.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I thought i was the only one....... I love you guys

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I thought I was the only one, too.

I have an extremely healthy diet (lots of fruits and veggies, organic, vegetarian...) the only dairy I eat is yogurt, and even that, only once in a while. No coffee. The only thing I can think of is I eat a lot of beans. I am an otherwise healthy 19 year old girl, but I wipe and wipe and wipe and never get clean. I end up showering, but even that takes a few rinses. Help!!!

Assholio's picture
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The worst is when you push for a solid 45 seconds and you have a big greaser hanging halfway out your ass, and it either breaks off or you can't keep pushing so you pinch it off. That always leaves another one right there knocking at the door, but sometimes it won't come out no matter how much you push. Damn I hate that! And then when you wipe it's just like a damn paintbrush on the paper...that shit never comes clean! I'm going to try Metamucil. I gotta do something to get rid of the nasty greasers.

shit stormer's picture
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i can vouch for all the above problems. Its so annoying. In the past yr ive developed an additional shit related problem. I, like most here, stand when wiping my arse but find that it 'snows' during this. Everytime after ive finished (had enough of) wiping, the white toilet lid is scattered with fallen flakes of shit and shit-ridden arse hairs!! How does that fit with the 21st century in any way?!

Sticky Aussie's picture
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I have the sticky poo, itchy ass problem too. Have had for about 4 years.

For wiping (after much experimentation) the easiest is buy some sorbolene (with glycerene) lotion. Use a small smear of this on any toilet paper. It lubes up the area and it's much easier to clean without aggravating the skin down there. And you can carry a small tube with you whenever you think you might need it. I carried around "wet ones" for ages, but it's really awkward.

Yes, metamucil is good in the short term, but I hate the aspartame in it.

Used the microbacteria pills - none of them work.

Use the natural set acidophilus yoghurt. It works consistently.

I ended up going ot a specialist becasue it became so painful I could hardly walk sometimes. He's put me on low dose amytriptylene (which is an anti-depressant). This works, but it's side affects aren't great. See a specialist though. I'll keep you informed if we find a long term cure.

BTW - tried all the different diet changes.

Water Boy's picture
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Okay, can we just take a quick survey?

- Who else took antibiotics before this started happening?
- Are you Vegetarian?
- Do doctors diagnose you with IBS?

I find that I'm at my best when I'm consuming enough water. But then, I have to drink a hell of a lot of water to get to that point. My problems get worse when I eat a lot of bran or insoluble fiber. Metamucil seems to help, but it's not the complete solution. In fact, sometimes I think just drinking the water to get the metamucil down is what's really helping. Fiber pills just don't seem to cut it.

I've been a vegetarian for ten years. I've often considered going back on for a year to see if my conditions improve. I've been having these problems for 2.5 years.

I took an antibiotic and almost instantly this started happening. The Doctors have told me that it has nothing to do with antibiotics. I trust them, but I don't think thy completely understand.

Tears for Smears's picture
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Finally, kindred spirits! I thought I was the only one in the universe that dreaded shitting. Back in the day it would pinch off clean, a few wipes, and I'm outta there. For the past 10 years, it seems every time I shit turns into a fucking pudding-fest with me using 50% of the roll of tp...most times I wish I had a spatula to scrape away the remains..I thought it might be that my a-hole doesn't pinch properly; maybe it's lost it's elasticity...but I don't see how that could be, it's not like I have my pooper regularly stretched out by anything, it's exit only for this fella.
What a pain in the ass (!) to sit there and get that sinking feeling as I glance at the first wipe (of course there's enough toilet paper that my hand looks like a baseball mitt) and sure enough I've got a fistful of chocolate frosting! Then I grab another 20 sheets, wet 'em, and wipe again. Of course, my hand comes back holding more watered-down goo, and my butt is still dispensing soft-serve! Then I flush, 'cause the bowl's half-full and I don't want it to choke, and it's back to the dry/wet wipe until I'm clean. As funny as this is, it sucks to have to do this day in/day out. And of course, there's always the joy of getting to go back and do the 'maintenance wipe' a half hour later. When I finally do have a 'dry dump' I almost want to take a picture of it and give it a name...
signed, "Dreaming of the Perfectly-pinched Loaf"

daphne's picture
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Welcome home, Tears. Pull up a toilet seat and stay awhile.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i am a multi wiper also.... It is fat alcohol and fibre,,, too much or too little and lack of chewing,,,, anyway it helps me

Anonymous Coward's picture
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also artificial sweetner is a big bowel fuck up,,, and sulphates and preservatives

Tiredofwiping's picture
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Has anyone tried a detox to see if that helps. I hate is when you sit down to take a good shit and its literally like peanut butter. At the end no satisfaction just a whole lot of wiping. Lucky I have wipes on hand because I have kids but still end up leaking and and hour later feel sticky and sweaty down there. I read from a Dr's column that an itchy anus could be the sign of pin worms so have your self checked.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I can really relate to this. I also have this problem. Only had it for the past 2 years though, and I have no idea what caused it to start. the best way to avoid it that I've found, is to only go once a day, and try to time it to the night. Drink a lot of water before going to bed, so you'll wake up and need to pee, then poop away.
But I can't go through life timing every poop..
There must be a permanent solution for it.
I also feel like I've lost the ability to "cut" like I used to, but I can't understand why that should happen all of a sudden.

Enough_Of_This_Shit's picture
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Oh I have this problem with half of my craps and I am getting damn sick of it. Metamucil helps alot but I would like to find out what exactly is causing it. I think this problem is mostly diet related for most people. The usual suspects seem to be fatty foods, dairy, anything spicy, and coffee but I have another theory.

I think, since I see people ranging from omnivores to vegetarians complaining about this popping up in the last few years, that it may have to do with the amount of preservatives present in all foods in this day and age. Think about it. Everything in the supermarket is treated with some bullshit profit maximizing preservative whether it be hormone injected meats, veggies or dairy. The proliferation of food preserving toxins seems to be a more recent phenomenon due to organic foods becoming popular suddenly. I think we are all being poisoned slowly. Perhaps the only way to avoid this is to buy all veggies fresh and organic and all meats pasture raised but you need to be rich to do that.

This is all speculation of course so take it with a grain of salt but I think the problem is not us.

Laughing my ass off's picture
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Damn some of these posts are making me cry with laughter, the "big greaser" further up (Assholio) had me in stitches.
Anyway, I have to sympathise, I too have a problem, maybe not as bad as some on here but mine is compounded as I have Psoriasis. I tend to find in places like my eyelids and unfortunately my ass I get a sore area. This means whenever I get water or anything wet near either my eyelids or my ass it stings like ****. I have been given something by my doc which I have to wipe on at night and morning which helps to a point but getting dodgy dumps means cleaning is bloody painful. You can tell when its going to be a bad on, its seems like its arrived too early, ie hasn't formed properly. Nothing to add myself i'm afraid just that I share your pain my brothers and sisters of shit stickers.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Thanks! im not the only one i see. This probelmo of feeling like my poop is still hanging was one of the most awfull experiences...i have now even been offered to take prozac due to the menatl effect it has done to me. I feel dirty sometimes and i even feel like i smell when i realy dont. I just hate the fact of even being dirty down there just a litlebit. I hate it! thank you guys...i feel normal again!thanks! i have not solved the problem although increasing fiber help a bit for two weeks then it whent back to normal....

stuck on the pot's picture
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Ah, the magic of the web.... it's great to have found others in the same predicament as me. As i move through a normal progression of wiping, wet and dry, moving to less and less residue, as i get to what i think will be my last "safety wipe", i am always startled to find that i have taken about 20 steps (or wipes) backwards having returned to a heavy residue phase. This may happen 3 or 4 times...putting me up in the 50-100 total wipe range.

Anyone think there is a volunatry/involunatry muscle aspect of this?

prarie doggin's picture
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Stuck, you might consider moving close to a Georgia Pacific plant. They could deliver directly to you by truck, at a huge cost savings.

another million wiper with a tool's picture
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Dear, Million Wipers.

I think to have found the end all be all tool. After you million wipe, if your still are worried about the Skid Row on your draws.. Take a bit of that morsel we call Tp and roll it up(into what big black from rob and big calls a manpon). I was weary of trying this it really does work, Manpons work.

prarie doggin's picture
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I've had many miles of paper cruising my crack, and never once considered a manpon. This is a slippery slope (no pun intended). The next thing you know we will have a tv talk show with men expressing their feelings and cackling about other nonsense.

Bilgepump's picture
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PD, where on earth did you get those shoes?

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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What? They don't go with my tutu?

Bilgepump's picture
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au contraire mon fraire...they are stunning...and what they do for your calves...now if you only had some sheep.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
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Just wanted to say how much I love the two of you. I really don't know what I'd do if I didn't have your shoulders to cry on. By the way, do you ever feel you really need to cry, but you don't know why?

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
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You really think my calves look good? Whenever I look in the mirror, all I see are thankles.

prarie doggin's picture
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And whenever you need a hug LJ just call my name and I'll be there. Eeeeeeek, I think I just saw a mouse.

Bilgepump's picture
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All the time, LJ...all the time...particularly if I'm feeling bloated, and fat, and...well....just ugly, you ( sigh) know what I mean? (sniff)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
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Don't talk like that, Bidge. I'd kill to have your body. (This just occurred to me. If you wanted someones body, you'd pretty much HAVE to kill them. Ewwww. I'm never going to say that again.)

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
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I think I am going to eat a large bag of M&M's

Bilgepump's picture
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Yes, PD, I'm with you on that, some comfort food...I'm craving a bologna and peanut butter and pickle sammich

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Bilge, do you think you can get this thread back on track, using the peanut butter as a segway. I'm counting on you.

Bilgepump's picture
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well, I have found that when I am cursed with a peanut buttery million wiper (chunky), whole wheat bread works very well, usually two slices...although I have used sourdough with good results as well.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
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It would be more like Nutella than peanut butter at that point.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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Wasn't there a million wiper march a few years ago?

Bilgepump's picture
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yeah, but it was downplayed in the media, cuz every single marcher was dragging toilet paper on the heels of their shoes.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bilgepump's picture
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I'm sorry, PD, this eating me alive...everybody knows I wouldn't wipe with bread, thats just silly, and the crumbs...GOOD LORD!!!...I use a cat.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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I knew that silly! I assumed you were on a fancy cruise ship, and there were no cats. A nice long loaf of Italian bread cut into a long wedge would probably work best anyway.

Hey, you're coming up on your 1k. How should we celebrate? Should I order the party hats and noise makers, or should we just go to Chuckie Cheese?

daphne's picture
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Don't rule out Adoption Saturdays at the local Homeless Kitties Society, and then Chuck E Cheese. Bidge likes to multi-task.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

baron von crapalot's picture
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Just remember, those halcyon days of the Crapomatic. Ok, there were injuries, but when it worked, boy did it work!


like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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You're right Daphne. I was too excited at the thought of going dookie diving into the urine smelling plactic balls with Bilge.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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This thread is too too funny. I have gotten a lot of good information and very entertained as well. Thanks

Muccy Fudger's picture
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Hi All,

It has been mentioned several times in this thread that excess fat is the immediate cause of the greasy, sticky, million wipers. I can vouch for this. I've kept a log of my diet and poop consistency for a few months. One problem, is my "transit time" is long 2-4 days (variable) so it is hard to correlate what I eat with what I shit, without a detailed log (and eating "marker" foods, like corn, every few days to help get a sense of the timing.

Anyway, one thing I can confirm is that fat definately causes the immediate problem. If I go completely fat free, keeping my diet limited to fruits, veggies, and extremely lowfat meats (i.e. chicken breasts), my poops start coming out clean as a fart whistle. (veggetarians take note: if I don't include a fair amount of animal protein, then it comes out mushy, but not sticky)

BUT, here's the thing. Your body is supposed to absorb nearly 100% of fat, so if you get fat in your stool, it signifies a fairly serious problem (liver, gall bladder, pancreas, or something like Celiac disease).

Try going 100% fat free for at least two weeks, and see what happens. If it fixes the problem, then see a doctor about your fat malabsorption problem.

BUT, don't stay completely fat free. As I did this experiment on myself, after about 2 weeks, the backs of my hands got extremely dry and flaky and painful -- a result of deficiency of essential fatty acids (omega-6, omega-3, etc.).

Right now I take omega-3/6/9 supplements, and consume almost no other fat, so I take in only about 5-10 grams of fat per day. This seems to be low enough.

I have yet myself to see a doctor about the underlying cause of fat malabsorption. I'm hoping it is something like Celiac disease -- all you have to do there is stop eating gluten (wheat, mostly), and over a period of 6 months to a year, the damage to your intestines repairs itself and you start absorbing fat normally again.

If you have tried without success going "gluten free" or "dairy free" or any of those things, bear in mind those foods may be responsible for building up long-term damage to your intestines, and the damage may take a year or even longer to repair. It is getting fat out of your diet that will give you immediate (within about a week) results.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to some of you. Here are some useful keywords to google:

malabsorption or 'fat malabsorption'
steatorrhea (technical term for fat in your poop)
celiac or 'celiac sprue' or 'celiac disease'

One last recommendation (others have mentioned this): get a handheld shower sprayer that has a good strong "massage jet" mode, take shower after every shit, and don't be shy about rubbing fingers and soap way up in there.

Best of luck!

Stinky opo's picture
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Just use baby whipes man and then whipe with regular toilet paper. Bring a zip lock bag of them to work or whereever you go. no shame. simple solution.

Genre's picture
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I believe I have the solution to this - and it has nothing to do with eating habits. Sure, the poop is softer if you eat a lot of fiber (which is good), but this is what I've found:

A lot of times, as humans, we focus on obsessive behaviors. This means, some of us like to poop once a day to make ourselves feel comfortable (even if we don't have to). My theory is that million-wipers-syndrome occurs when we take a poop when we DON'T HAVE TO and are forcing ourselves to because of obsessiveness. So, if we just poop when we have to instead of when our mind forces us to, we can avoid this issue of having to use 1,000,000 wipes. Try it.

baron von crapalot's picture
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Wow! 'million-wipers-syndrome' at last, a name for this sorry practice. Since reading this thread I was curious to average my own wipes, and was pleasntly suprised. Wet wipes get it done in 4 -5, then a quick air-dry, Charmin, anything up to 7, nutt hey, Im happy with my technique. I just feel for those with M.W.S. stay tough out there guys, we're here if you need us.

_______

whats that smell?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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BVC, just a note on MWS. It is often confused with MMS (magic marker syndrome). This is when you accidently sit on a brown magic marker. The symptoms are almost the same, but MMS will often require a visit to the doctor (or prison infirmary).

baron von crapalot's picture
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PD, I'm sorry, butt I am sat here giggling like a 6 year old.... VERY funny!

_______

PD rocks!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
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Thank you. Immature, assinine 6-15 year old humor. It's what I strive for.

Blind Mullet's picture
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No one has mentioned this yet, but believe it or not, salt baths have helped me enormously. They have cured the Hell-fire itch that I had, and also seem to have toned-up the pucker-muscle.
Y'see, I have just come off chemotherapy and radiotherapy for bowel cancer, and the radiotherapy has burnt my quoit from the inside out, as well as causing the madness-inducing itch.
The nurses and the radiologist all recommended a handful of rock salt in a warm bath (just deep enough to cover the affected area). I've been doing this daily for the last couple of weeks, and the results are amazing! I wash the Chasm of Doom with a non-soap product called Pinetarsol, and soak in salty water for about 20 mins.
Worth a try.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Bilgepump's picture
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recipe for homemade Pinetarsol:

1 Quart Lysol
1 batting glove obtained from George Brett.
Mix the ingredients together in a large pail, cover, and refrigerate, (or low steam if you prefer) overnight.
Remove glove from mixture, and dispose.
Apply mixture liberally to affected area with a rusty wire brush, or curry comb.
Soak in brine.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
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Bilge, you stole my pickled green tomato recipe.

Return of the Brown Eye's picture
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I also have to return to the can after wiping 10-15 minutes later like I forgot to give it something. This has been going on for at least 5 yrs. Doesn't happen all the time but when it does it is a nightmare. One thing I did read somewhere is to use non-scented soap when you shower. Apparently your skin can be sensitive to scented soap and it causes irritation in your bum. I've just started it. I'll post with results.

I've also read that chewing sugar free gum can also be a possibility. Just another option.

The Shit Volcano's picture
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Chewing sugar free gum? Sorry, I would rather have an irritated ass than be exposed to aspartame.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

droopoo's picture
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OMG - i am not alone!
showers work but i want to fix the problem - not clean it.
sounds like - avoid fat, dairy, antibiotics, dehydration and harsh TP. that about it??

Captain Klingon's picture
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Awesome Forum!! Sorry to say, but I'm glad I'm not alone.
For years I believed in a conspiracy theory and that my anus had secretly worked a deal with the logging industry in an attempt to stimulate the economy and increase employment rates.
Fortunately, I just recently came to gribs with the fact that my diet mainly consisted of fatty or processed foods. In greasy, out greasy

Oh well, I guess I can still believe in our goverment's secret poop testing facilty in Roswell, New Mexico. Or maybe that one is alien research...I digress...

Anyways, everyone's million wiper stories sound waaaay to familiar, but this is what I did and hopefully it may help someone.

1. I take 2 to 3 times the suggested amount of Metamucil everyday. I make it twice as thick than suggested on the package.(Within 3 days it had completely "wiped" out the problem. I have to admit I love the Orange!!

2. Baby wipes worked pretty well for me (Bought by the case from Costco), but it really didn't save the underwear if I started doing anything which caused me to sweat.

3. Lastly, I'd shave the hair. It sounds non-hetero, ("not that there's anthing wrong with that") but it's better than throwing away your underwear or wiping off the skin in you crack..

Its only been a week, but now I wipe once or twice and I'm done. The smell is practically gone too, but in the first days as it is cleaning the walls of the intestines the stinch actually gets worse.
THE BEST PART: I haven't changed my diet at all. I just have my heavy dose of fiber drink a few minutes before I eat.

Good luck, Poop well and Prosper.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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yooo i found it ,,,
loads and loads of water ,,, nothing to do with my diet ,, for the past week i drink so much water and eat so much ,,, it would be smart not going as soon as u want to ,,, eat stuff that wont make ur bowel 2 soft and ur good ,, now i gotta get rid of the gas ,, maybe one day i cant go back to dancing and not smell like toilet

PBS (Peanut Butter Shits)'s picture
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Thank god for this page. A support group for people with sticky assholes from sticky peanut buttery shit. I swear to god my shit is the consistency of Jif sometimes, taking 10-15 minutes of wiping alone, even with the wet wipes. I feel as if I could take a butter knife and scrape it out. This paste-shit is more of a recent development (within the past year or two). I will definitely take some of the advice listed above. Thanks everyone for the hints and the laughs.

prarie doggin's picture
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PBS, sounds like you need to try wiping your ass with a piece of Wonder bread.

obsessive compulsive pooper's picture
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wow!! i need major help...everynight i go poop like a gillion times and wipes my ass about a gillion more...then the discomfort in my anus is so horrendus that i cant sleep till i wipe that darn ass a little more! PLEASE HELP!

PBS's picture
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Thanks prairie doggin'. Perhaps I will bring two slices and some jelly and make a "shit sandwich." (see Spinal Tap for reference)

bman's picture
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Aaahhh it feels so good to find others like me that have this pooping/wiping problem! I try to eat healthy - lots of ruffage, rice, cereal, chicken, etc. but it still happens. I notice it didn't happen much when I was running. Could it have anything to do with excercise or having my intestines shaken up regularly from running? The comments about greasy/fatty foods also make sense to me.

So far the only thing that helps a little is Charmin Ultra toilet paper - it's thick and soft so it doesn't hurt and it's very absorbent.

no more sticky poop's picture
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I've found it. Fiber. You need fiber. I had sticky poop for years. I started taking fiber pills, and after a few days, all is GREAT. Try it for yourself.

Jon Clogger's picture
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The voices in this lonely prison bring me relief. I couldn't even read all the posts here without going to the bathroom to re-wipe. I hate when I forget about my problem and subconsciously scratch my ass and then put the shit smell on my computer keyboard, or potato chips I'm eating via my fingers. Actually, it's worse than the shit smell. It's combined with ass sweat and chode cheese which has got to be fatal if ingested. I wish someone would invent an ass vacuum that would suck whatever couldn't be pushed out and give a good cleaning on the brown eye, or sometimes reddish brown eye. One last rant, how come animals don't use a single piece of tp their entire lives and yet their bungholes have that clean as a whistle look? WTF??!! Nature did not deal us the better hand with that.

daphne's picture
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John, animals haven't changed their diet in the past forty years. We have. We now have hydrogenated corn oil/soybean oil, processed sugar, bleached flour, high fructose corn syrup. Animals still eat other animals, grass, or bugs.

If you're having true trouble, double your fiber intake and start looking at food labels. Go macronutrients.

I hope you can write back in a few weeks with success.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
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Daphne, I don't know about the deer in your neighborhood, but the ones here are eating beef jerky, Cheetos, and washing it down with Red Bulls. Their shit pellets are the size of grapefruits.

daphne's picture
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Funny you mention that.... the deer at the wildlife rehab I worked at in Kentucky went diabetic because teh owner of the rehab gave them cookies all the time. We had to start injecting her with insulin, which was no easy chore.

She never shit a grapefruit, though.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture
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soo a few years ago i had a problem with sticky poop just for the winter months, and it just went away... now i have the same problem again and i dont know why it came back.. i dont think ive changed my diet or anything at all.

sittingpretty's picture
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I got the visual of PD with a vacuum hose hanging from his butthole at a Tupperware party. Do the butt vacuum pic PD. Please.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
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Sorry SP, that is just a seasonal prank of mine. I reserve it only for Longerberger parties. Really cracks (yuk yuk) the old ladies up.

Health therapist's picture
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If you would just try a colonic. It cleans out old waste that builds up in the colon using water to help flush. It is gentle and leaves you feeling squeaky clean. Tones the colon and helps get rid of candidia, mucus, parasites and lots of waste.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Just had one of those million wiper/bowl staining, snake like poops that forever plague me and thought that I would google what causes them and was pleasantly surprised to find this site. I am sure that it has to do with dairy products and fat in our diet .... so the solution is to cut them out of our diet or keep on wiping :o)

Also, I just wanted to add that I am a water addict and have been for years. I usually drink 2 litres a day and it has never made a difference. Sticky chit still happens.

You guys made me laugh. Wipe ON!!

Make it Stop's picture
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Yeah so I am also a member of this horrible club. For some reason I only have to crap during the week, nothing on the weekends. I live at home during the week and stay at my girls on the weekend, thank god it doesn happen then. Anyway, I was thinking it might have to do with somethig I do during the week. I tried changing my toothbrush even. So this morning i realized when I am home I have an english muffin with about a half a stick of butter on it every morning. This could be what triggers it? I also smoke and have one cup of coffee a day with cream....could teh cream have anything to do with it. I always thought fiber was to make poop softer, so if our craps are already soft as hell why would we take that? IT seems metamuil works, does it come in a pill? What brands are good?

word's picture
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wow I need help

squat n shit's picture
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I have this problem too; have had it most of my life: excess wipes, never feeling clean, sticky, stinky, etc..
Though recently, I've discovered the wisdom of the squat toilet. Something we westerners generally think less of, but in fact is a much more natural way to shit. Just hop up on your toilet seat and bombs away.
The hips are a major factor too in getting that shit out. Try twisting, or opening and closing your legs; pump it out!

Absurd Life's picture
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Yes, I too have this bitch of a problem. Poop like paste & it won't all come out. When you have a bunch of sticky poop stuck in your rectum every day, you've got problems. In spite of all the adolescent joking, I'm sure many of you are really hurting emotionally from this. Here is what I have experienced: Probiotics have helped a great deal for a short time-- about 10-12 days-- then they no longer work unless you lay off of them for a few months, & then they work again. The longer your avoid them (and yogurt), the better they work, but never for very long. Also taking a statin drug for high colesterol helped cosiderably for about 2 months, but like the probiotics, after that it was no longer effective (go figure). Must have something to do with the liver. And YES to a previous post, I did take a broad spectrum antibiotic off and on for about 2 yrs (for acne (back in the '60's). I don't think the doctors really understand the long-term effects of simple antibiotics, though they will never admit it. And they didn't really know how to prescribe them responsibly back then. Alcohol might be a factor too. I have about 2-4 drinks almost every day. I can only offer this: don't wipe your ass, push the toilet paper up your butt a little with your thumb. It's less painful in the long run.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I am still in the dark about what the answer is. luckily i live in Thailand and they have the bum sprays so it's not a day to day problem but I do worry if I have to go away on holiday and I might have to revert to lots of wipes or having a dirty bum for awhile. at least it's not dampened our humour, if anything it has sharpened it, made us into better people, who knows, but I think we just have to live with it and keep searching for the holy grail of an answer. yours fellow dirty bum.

Darren F's picture
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Why is it nearly every time I make my way home from a day out, I need a shit on my way home. For example, I can stay at my parents all day and not need a shit and as soon as I start walking home and either when I'm halfway home or almost there, I need a shit. Why can't mother nature allow me to shit where I can quick and easy access to the toilet? When I start walkig home I need to go. This is so annoying. There were times when I made my way home at about 9:30pm and I needed a shit on my walk home and when I started leaving home earlier over different reasons, all of a sudden, mother nature decided to call around 7:30pm when I was walking home instead of 9:30pm. Why, why, why does this happen on my way home all thew time? Last night it happened and I almost shit myself just when I went in my front door. I had to throw my bag of shopping and jacket on the floor in a heap because I didn't have time to put my bag of shopping down properly and hang-up my jacket. I feel as if I have to force myself to shit before going home and nine times out of ten I won't be able to go but mother nature will call again on my way home. I remember years ago when my older brother always needed a piss as soon as he started browing for a video in the video shop back in the 80's and I had the same with pissing every time I went into the book library. Now I have this shitting problem when I want to go home.

Many thanks.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Darren, one of the biggest triggers of having to take a poop is physical exercise. I can't tell you how many times I had to poop at the gym when I was younger. Maybe, then, your walking is the trigger. You get the bowels moving, but it's when you're walking home.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

New Anonymous Coward's picture
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Hi..So glad I'm not alone.

Wet wipes help but the best is the sitz bath. It's a basin that sits in the toilet bowel. Any pharmacy has them. They are for hemroid relief, so you can cover up by telling your family the Doc told you to soak your butt. They even have inflatable baths for travel. Just fill it with warm water and soak your butt. You may find a bunch of brown crumbs. Those little crumbs would be one big smear if you wiped them. When in a public restroom the pinch technique helps along with individual wrapped wet wipes. Hope this helps someone.

Bigg Stinker's picture
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sticky poop has been torturing me recently and i am beyond relieved to have found this blog. I find it very important to have good hygiene and my million-wipe-techniques cause me pain and discomfort. When I do not have the time for proper clean up there I am a stinker. It is a miserable existence this sticky poop. Thanks for the advice, i shall take it to heart and return for more commiseration. Good luck and wipe away my fellow sticky bums

No Sh!t's picture
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Okay - so here it is! I can't believe I found this site. There is a little known TV appearence by Will Smith (The Fresh Prince) he doesn't specifically say that he has the SPS (sticky poop syndrome) but he said something that I have repeated dozens of times that I MUST share with the readers.

He says that he always uses baby wipes and showers after crapping - when possible. His reason is simple and logical! If you are wiping your arse with paper and your finger pokes through - do you just wipe it with more TP? NO - HELL NO - you scrub it down with soap and hot water - so why are all the dirty basTURDS out there so content with just using TP on their bunguses? Scrub that sucka!

Now I am going to share something that a few people have said on this site already - I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH - if you only remember one thing about this site make it this because it will change your life. GET THE $20 showerhead from Home Depot or Lowes or any other store that is removable with the hose - when you are done crapping - wipe the major chunks away gently - then hop in the shower and wash your arse - for a real good cleaning - turn the head to the steady large stream (not massaging - that could hurt) use soap and you will NEVER have another hemeriod or dirty ass again - NO SH!T - I promise - it changed my life. The only time I have problems is vacations etc - I even pack my showerhead whenever possible - I used to have such bad roids they stuffed that glass 'dildo' (I am sure there is a medical term - but let's call it what it is) up there and fish around a bit to see what is up - they wanted to laser treat some of them etc - I was taking Epsom salt baths three times a day and could barely sit half the time - never mind crapping - OOOOOOOOUUUUUUCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH - I am a grown a$$ man and going crap would almost bring me to tears. I honestly think that our bodies are missing something - you know like an Iron deficiancy or something - if I figure it out - I PROMISE to come back to the site and share because I am dead set on solving this BS - I don't want to go another 40 years like this!!!! In the meantime - the showehead has been an absolute god send. As far as anyone saying anything - tell them the Will Smith story and tell them how nasty dirty they are - and that they should care as much about being sanitary as you do.

CowPie's picture
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Sometimes I wipe so much that my poor ass can't take it anymore & turns into a bloody mess.

SOLUTION: After you finish most of your wiping. Squirt a bit of cream onto your TP & wipe the chocolate starfish. It's MAGICAL & REFRESHING!! Plus it takes care of all the stragglers that just don't want to leave. MY FARTS SMELL LIKE CHERRY ALMOND!!! This also clears up the itchy ass syndrome. From now on, scratch because you want to not because you have to. ENJOY! :)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Why is my poop like super-glue / cement when it hits the bowl. A flush can not remove it from the side at all - I typicaly have to employ other methods to remove it. Pouring hot water on it etc..

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I found how to prevent this. Just make sure you pooped all the way and bend over when you poop. I haven't had to wipe a lot for the last 4 days.

Experience.'s picture
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Ok so I see everyone here has a sticky poop problem, for me the only way I have found to 100% make sure that I have solid 1 wipe poops is by actually waiting 3 days to take a poop. 3-4 days give my poop enough time to accumulate into a solid mass, with all liquid and vitamins absorbed by my large intestines.

The only time I ever have weird poops, in this case sticky ones is when I have a poop within a 2 day period. I mean you just feel the solid ones, so just to avoid all the problems just do that. And yes no spicy food, and no greasy food. I don't know about alcohol but I have always found alcohol to help with digesting, personal opinion.

Anonymous Hoser's picture
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Most my pooping is at home so this takes care of most of it. I use an enema bag to hose off may ass. After the initial rinse I let the stream run across my fingertips and use them to gently rub away any "chemical contamination" (as opposed to solids).

On days that I am having trouble with lots of gas, I use the enema to rinse out the rectum so that irritants there are not blown out to the outside where they irritate.

Caution: Warm water is ok and more comfortable but if you infuse any very warm or hot water into the rectum, you can expect to stimulate the passage of poop that wasn't ready to be pooped and may trigger a lot more pooping than you wanted.

Sticky and Embarrassed's picture
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ok guys... has anyone on here actually seen a doctor about their problem?? I am trying to find some sort of reason why this would be happening to me .. I have looked at some other sites.. and diverticulitis seems to be an answer ... maybe??? .. i am hoping for a cure!! but to embarrassed to mention to my gp (silly perhaps but can't help it)... i think have enough tips on how to wipe my ass to last me a lifetime!!

PoopinLady's picture
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I am also a billion wiper ...I keep wiping until it's gone cause my ass gets itchy if it's still got shit hanging around. One bit of advice I have for other folks out there who wipe their ass incessantly - Invest in a decent plunger and you're good to go. :D