why do I wipe so much?

// // 401 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.





Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












401 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

BM...No invasion of privacy at all...I would estimate that the logs were 3 to 6 inches in length and had diameters of a modest inch and one half, but they were hard. I have discovered that vinegar has something of a protein softening ability so I decided to go green and try that.

My potty still flushed, but slowly, very adequate for the piddle I added over the next 24 hours. I can't say if the vinegar helped or if possibly the length of time under water softened the concrete turds but the end result was satisfactory.

This was one of the few times in years that I have had to resort to the plunger. Oh..being as green as possible was one of my goals.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Poothagoras's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Good thinking on that stuff, BM. I just realized I was fixated on the horror of having a toilet stopped up for 24 hours.
_______
Every poop is not to be told to every body.

Every poop is not to be told to every body.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

...uh, Chief, not wanting to get too personal here, but what do you call "modest sized"?
...and the use of vinegar is interesting. I wouldn't have thought of that. Any time I've had to un-clog a toilet, I've used caustic soda.

***unhealthy thought alert***

I wonder if anyone has ever done a lab study to determine which chemicals dissolve poo best, and which might be eco-friendly?
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Yesterday, after an unusual day of constipation, I dropped 3 modest sized concrete turds which took me about 10 flushes and much plunging over a 24 hour period to get rid of. They apparently jammed somewhere down out of sight, I even poured a quart of vinegar in the bowl to see if that would help "melt" the offending fecal matter. The good news, I only wiped once and it was totally unnecessary, I should have saved the paper and used it today.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yep, just as soon as you learn how to spell "intelligently", define it, and use it in a correctly diagrammed sentence.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous Coward's picture

I am 35 and over the past year I have noticed that after I wipe and even after I shit and shower afterward within an hour two my ass is itching and I have to wipe again and this could be an on going thing throughout my day. Could anyone tell me inteligently what might be wrong?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I'm just going to guess that you, Answers!, have figured out a lot of shit. Here's my problem. I like to eat in front of the set but spill stuff on my shirt. Some of this stuff doesn't come off in the wash, so I end up with shirts I can only wear to work in the yard. I'm the best dressed guy in the neighborhood when mowing the lawn but would like to keep some of those shirt a little longer in the good-shirt drawer. Advice? (Forget wearing a bib or remembering to change into a different shirt before eating. Not in my character.)

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Answers, thank god you came along when you did...I don't know how we've managed to get along without you for almost 10 years.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Answers!'s picture

Rather than say "hallelujah I'm not the only one with this problem!" etc etc etc, I am going to start sharing some ANSWERS as to how to help the problem. There have been SOME on the site, and I encourage more.

For ME, this happened when I was in college and i went as far as getting a colonoscopy. even explaining it to the doctor he honestly thought it may have been a psychological problem, like OCD. I assured him it was not.

It recently started up again. That is how I came to this site. And the one thing that I had in common in college with moving out to my own place now is.... FOOD! all i have been eating is pulled pork sandwiches and pizza for the last few months. in college it was dominos every other day.

Recently (2 days ago) i changed my diet to mainly grilled chicken (wraps with some lettuce and fresh mozzarella cheese) and started eating more fiber (in the form of capsules or wheaties cereal).

So far so good? Last night I had a one wiper ( i praise the lord when that happens), and just now i had a 5 or so wiper. Changing my diet definitely helped, but not sure i am cured.

More advice: definitely alternate between dry and wet wipes. Use a dry wipe the first couple times to get the majority of it, then a wet wipe, then dry, wet, etc. important!... when using the dry TP don't actually WIPE, but just dab the wetness off from the wet wipe. if you WIPE you are gonna end up with an itchy ass and that horrible feeling when you walk. sometimes you can irritate your ass and it feels like you still have shit there even when you don't, so avoid that.

more advice: guys, shave down there! make sure you get all hair in the area away. it will be easier to clean.

and when you are done, just go SIT and really take time to get comfortable. let your bowels adjust and your anus time to clench nice and tight.

This has all helped for me in a fairly quick period of time. of course my methods may not help everyone, but i encourage people to start posting more advice rather than complaining.

Anonymous Coward's picture

OMG!!! I still have this same problem. It all started after i started an atibiotic about a year and a half ago.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've got sticky poo, and came here to get some serious info, but after reading these posts, I've been laughing till my gut hurts reading all these posts, and wondering if this is all for shits & giggles!! haha

snuggles89's picture

I am so frustrated. I wipe and wipe and finally the toilet paper is clean, then I go in the shower and scrub my bunghole thoroughly with soap and water. Then I lay down to sleep and I have an itchy ass, I go and wipe and it's like wtf! It's like I never wiped in the first place. So I keep wiping til I'm clean, but in the morning I try to wipe again. Not that my ass itches but, you know, I'm just curious..and presto, tp covered in brown again!

Am I cursed or possessed by a poop demon, or I have a theory my crack sweat is reactiving dried poo. Please help I am at the end of my rope.

OBO KINOBOLAO LAO's picture

Okay folks....the cause for millionwiper's butt-sanding is often a simple one(for the most part)....& all too common as well. It all begins with a few initial sticky, thick, & tough logs; which more often than not are a direct result of greasy food, saturated fats, artificial preservatives & additives, high fructose corn syrup,etc....you know....the 'Other Shit' thats killing us ever so subtly.
Obviously when our bodies process any type of unhealthy sustenance, we lose precious vitamins & nutrients during

Anonymous Coward's picture

I think it was return of the brown eye who said it but I am trying the non scented soaps hong and I will postback with the results.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

A poo pocket! That's a first!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Researcher's picture

Here's the thing I've been thinking about. Most of us have structural abnormalities of different kinds in our physiology (this I have seen). Most of these are inconsequential. but, after my own years with MWS, and a fairly disciplined research approach to diet, wipe method, etc., here's my theory:

MWS, at least in some cases, is linked to a structural abnormality in the anus. From what I've read, there are two contraction points in the path of the poo. I surmise that, if the tissue between these points had a pocket or distension of some sort, and if the poo were of soft enough consistency, some of it would get trapped in this structural 'poo pocket'.

I, like many visitors to the site, wipe until I am apparently clean. Then I leave the bathroom. Some amount of movement (even just walking, shifting in a chair, etc.) causes enough movement in the anus that some of the poo pocket squeezes out, re-dirtying the exposed part of my anus. It requires several cycles of wipe until clean, leave the loo, move around, return for more before the poo pocket is finally empty.
If I use the shower head and stretch things a tiny bit, I routinely get a uniform shaped little turd to fall out. Uniform, I assume, because the poo pocket is uniform.
Which leads me to the conclusion that my options are:

1. Modify my diet so that my poo consistency always is hard enough to avoid losing some to the poo pocket. Not practical. And almost impossible to achieve 100% success. Metabolisms for many folks just aren't that consistent.
2. Jump in the shower after every poo. Not always available.
3. Avail myself of some proctologist to find out if there is a reconstructive procedure that would eliminate the poo pocket in my anus. This may be the only hope.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

When my anus tastes noxema it feels cool and minty.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Nice minty *TASTE*??


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yes, MSG. Noxema works very well and it leave a nice fresh minty taste too.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sittingpretty, did you ever try the Noxzema? I just used it, as I always do after a b.m. at home (and now I have a little jar of it at work). I think it keeps me from having the burnitch more often, so I have to use the moistwipes and Balneol less often. I have barely made a dent in the Balneol and still have over half of the moistwipes left that I bought back in May.

By the way: How do you "wipe the top of poop"?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Poopin chew each mouthful of food at least twenty times for starters.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poopin Hood's picture

Oh. Ive done it all my life and I dont think I have roids. Maby my ass is compounded of extra strong material.

How about chewing? Thought about that yesterday. I tend to not chew my food very well.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Poopin hood that is straining. You will get hemmorhoids from straining.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poopin Hood's picture

Im not of American or English origin. I suppose strain could be what I meant. You know when you push and push for all your worth to get the waste out lol.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Do you mean that you strain hard when you "press" hard?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poopin Hood's picture

I have the same problem, just not as severe as some.

Im thinking that maby our ass canals are missing normal lubrication. This might break up the lumps surface and release their steamy insides before release.

I usually press so hard that I almost get a prolapse. I also press while whiping the first times.

After pressing and whiping at the same timw and theres no new additions I go on to clean up. I dont know how good it is to expose your rectum to TP but this might prohibit the later unwated appereances of feces many has described.

I also dot know how good it is to press that hard everytime you take shits. Just be careful guys!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dewalt, see the doctor. This is a poop humour site of the intellect. We cannot diagnose. We can listen, encourage and rebuke, but not diagnose. So, make an appointment with a gastroenterologist.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Dewalt's picture

I have a terrible poo problem which is even worse than the million wiper. I cant poo normally for the last year because I have to spray it out of my ass in a fine mist. It is so embarrassing that I have to go to the loo at 12 in the night so noone will find out. My poo droplets end up covering the whole bathroom and I spend the early hours of each morning cleaning it. I am so tired due to lack of sleep and desperate for advice. Please EMAIL me some advice ASAP.

P.S. I have not seen a doctor yet

Captain Mud-Butt's picture

I too am stricken down with the million wiper..I prefer to call it the Mud-Butt. I am yet to find a cure for this most unfortunate event that has taken so much of my life wiping my cornhole. Almost every day i leave the bathroom with an asshole that bleeds, and burns the likes of which few have ever seen. I thought for a long time that I was alone, but thanks to this site, I've learned I am not. Thank you Poopreport.com, you have effectively made my aggravated asshole a happy one.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

ADD, if they are not true friends you WILL find out after you've dooked their washcloth and towel.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

ADD......You can wash your asshole without taking a shower. When you are at home just use a washcloth and some mild soap, do not wash your face with the same cloth. When you are visiting friends just use the guest washcloth and towel, they will understand if they are true friends.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Dookie Dropper's picture

I have been having this problem for a couple of years!!! Everytime I take the browns to the superbowl I seem to get icthy ass. I wipe my ass for what seems like eternity until I am skiddee free. However, after all that effort I get itchy ass. I often go back to the bathroom,and to my dismay, shit magically reapppears on the paper. I have tried many techniques and none have worked. I have changed my eating habits, lost weight, added more fiber. The only solution seems to take a dump then follow up with a shower. I than feel clean and itch free. This can be a little impractical when I am at school, at someone elses house, or when I drop a deuce more than once a day. Other Suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I found out I was wiping the top of poop, inadvertantly, years ago. I think having gloves around all the time and having to insert my digit in other peoples butt hole gave me the idea that I could investigate my own hole's misgivings.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've found that drinking tonic water helps with this problem.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Hey guys, I go through the same issue! Although I have some info for you guys that may be your problem. Chances are you have a hemorrhoid! Most people think they they can only appear outside of the 'butt hole' but they can also form inside aswell. What happens is, when you poop, very rarely can you push out everything. When your body cant push any more, it travels back up. The problem is that you most likely have a hemorrhoid inside, so when the poop tries to go back up, its being stopped by the hemorrhoid. So when you are wiping, you arent wiping shit on your ass, but the top of a poop still in your butt...

[insert parody shitname here]'s picture

Just found this site and like all the others who have seen the light, I'm "relieved" to know we're in this shit together. Definitely gonna try to work some more fiber into my diet I suppose.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had this problem for about a year. I've cut down a lot of processed foods and ate more foods that have fiber and I haven't had the million wipers in a couple of weeks. I was planning on starting to eat healthier anyway, this was just an extra incentive. A good source of fiber is Raisin Bran.

gears of cog's picture

i wipe a few times and then if its still there i dont care. save a few trees. nothing wrong with a lil poop in tha chute

Anonymous Coward's picture

Hey y'all, I've been having crappy shits for about a week straight now (sticky and nasty.) So, yesterday, I only ate unprocessed foods, (eggs, bread, fruits) and drank no beer ( I think that has alot to do with shitty shits) and voila! A perfect, well-formed shit requiring little wiping. Also, drinking water through the day helps as well. Happy pooping!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I took the antidepressant Lexapro for awhile and noticed this problem went away.

It is weird, but others have had similar experiences.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Taking a bath once daily with a few drops of tea tree oil seemed to get rid of the problem for me.

I have no idea why, but it did work.

Anonymous Coward's picture

The problem may be a worm infection.

I have seen it go away for a week after taking the de-worming medicine mebendazole.

That was a very clean week if you know what I mean.

Sadly, however, the problem has returned.

Sir Shits-a-lot's picture

I gots to wipe my trunk a ton if I don't take a bulk forming fiber laxative like psylium daily.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Chief, sometimes you just have to sit down and work things out with a pencil.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I just heard an ungodly yell bouncing off the mountains here in Jersey. I think he took your advice Bilge.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief must be in the ER with his plugged bum already, Bilge. Chief, are you ok?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Chief, caulk is primarily latex...just pretend you're waxing your ass and rip it off/out.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief, mineral spirits might disoolve the caulk. If not off you go to th ER! It might make the ER nurse laugh when you say you caulked your butt closed and you have a poop waiting behind the caulk to get freed.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Well...that was a terrible mistake..I used a caulking gun rather than a grease gun....what now? Help!!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Sometimes your asshole just fucks over you and bites the shit in half. Possibly greasing before pooping would prevent this. I shall put a grease gun next to my commode and see how it works.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

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