why do I wipe so much?

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j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.





Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












401 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

MR X's picture
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i have had this problem for a few years now.
i was actually going to make a post a couple of years ago but i decided not to but here i am now.
i spread my but cheeks on the toilet to limit the chances of making a mess. i have recently waxed my butthole to help aswell.
these have helped alot but the problem is still there.
as Dennis said, about the muscles depreciating, well i have been thinking this for quite sometime as i can easily clean quite deep in my hole.

according to this website dairy is bad, but i need milk with my daily 10 wheatbix

so i feel im getting pleanty of fibre but i still have the issue.
i am a tradesman and i have left my trade as i am too embarrassed because if i work up a sweat i stink
the hot weather is starting to arrive where i live so it will be an issue once again but luckily i have an office job

i went to a doctor about a year ago and gave a sample but i am too embarrassed to go back and have someone talk to me about my poo

i often get a whif of myself when sitting and standing and i stink but there is nothing i can do, i even shower after all toilet visits when possible.

luckily i have a supportive partner, who denies the fact that i stink. i know i do sometimes, she thinks i have OCD but i dont think so.
i am happy for the lucky ones out there that have found their cure

im only a 22yo male, life is horrible with this problem :(

poor pooing pain in the gutz 's picture
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I have also suffer this annoying arse irritating issue. I have found though that using some sorbolone cream on the toilet paper helps to clean the area and stops your arse being sore and itchy afterwards. I even keep some handy at work because I cant just jump in the shower there..

Also I have read a lot about it and if the sticky stuff is very mucuosy it could be piles and I don't know what to do about that..

randomshitter's picture
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Leaning over doesn't work for me. Cleaning up my diet doesn't work for me.
One thing has worked.
I saw someone on here post that they shit every 3 days or so and that works. Well I tried it out.
I skipped one day, it was agony, but I soldiered through it. Next morning I wiped and there was nothing there! After the morning shit I still kind of had to shit for the rest of the day, but I held it back. I shit again the next morning and it was clean again. I shit again that afternoon and the sticky million wiper was back. So I think when I stayed one shit behind everything worked out cleanly. I can't imagine getting in a routine of shitting every other day, though.

Also, when I wipe between the legs sitting down, I seem to have nothing there, I think this is because my hole is closed when I wipe this way. When you lift one cheek up, you're opening the hole so you're actually wiping inside the hole. I dunno if this is bad.

poopoopeedodo's picture
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I haven't read all these posts but I did start with 2004 and went up to 2007. My issue, and I'm not sure if this is being addressed or has been, I can't get a clean pinch off, meaning there is a major portion of crap still waiting to drop, shake or no shake, but never will without manual, ie, using a three folded, four to five squares of charmin and reach under and grab the up to golf ball size mass, (I have to look to see what I've landed) and drop the paper immediately into the bowl with a shiver. Then comes the "I wish I had stock in Charmin" million mile wipe. I do use wet wipes when possible for the final clean up,(the poop de gras if you will) but my insecurity of cleanliness still remains. I can't be alone on the pinching and not dropping problem, I need a little or lots of love here so I don't feel alone. I'm guessing it is not a diet problem but a sphincter (sp) problem. Is there a doctor in the house? Is there something that can be done to eliminate this problem-surgery is not an issue with me.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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Poopoopeedodo -- There are two things that can be done to correct the problem: eat carbs at separate meals from animal proteins, and eat more fresh fruits and veggies.

Doing these two things will have you pooping like a champ (with no "lefteovers") in no time.

_______
www.FoodMagick.com

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Poopoopeedodo, don't listen to IBBY. I make a lot of money supplying scrap paper to pulp mills that make toilet paper. I need more people like you.

Sheesh IBBY, you trying to put me out of business?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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You're right, PD... sorry!

Poopoopeedodo -- keep eating the way you always have and just get yourself a diaper.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

pretty girl with shit woes's picture
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I need help too!! young healthy 26 year old girl that has million wipes like 2x a week!!! I can use all tissue wipes and shower! I come out shower and dry off and it's shit stains all over my nice white towel! So embarrassed I'm afraid to have a boyfriend in fear he notice it :(

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear pretty girl ... Are you washing your asshole when you shower? Just letting the water run through your crack isn't good enough.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Listen to Chief there pretty girl. He sometimes straddles the Cumberland River and still doesn't get his crack clean.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I was banned from cleansing my crap crusted crack in the Cumberland by the health department. Boy, talk about your alliteration!


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Poop Benedict XII's picture
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I figured I'd let people know some important info on how I went from TMW to a half dozen wiper. Switched to Healthy Life whole grain bread, eat oatmeal a few times a week for breakfast, fish oil with dinner, Ultra Man vitamin with breakfast, AND (what I think is most contributing factor) I quit eating refined sugar. Have to watch all your ingredients for that sugar/corn syrup/maltitol/sorbitol/etc. and STAY AWAY from it.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I get a stomach ache every day and I know that sticky poo is sitting really low down in my bowels.The trouble is that unless I help it along it can sit there for hours.Normally I have to dig it out with my fingers until it is empty as far as I can reach.Quite often after that I feel a ruh coming on and I am able to have a fair dump.The biggest problem apart from the abslutely putrid,disgusting procedure I have to go through is getting rid of the smell on my finger.I was my hands vigourously about 10 times and sometimes a faint poo smell still lingers,yucky

Mr Dip's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I switched to a diet consisting solely of shredded cardboard mixed with Vaseline. The cardboard acts as roughage and the Vaseline acts as a lubricant for my bowels and sphincter. For wiping I use a rag doused in Kerosene to be sure I am clean. Important not to try the lighting your farts on fire gag directly afterwards though.

Seriously though, this is a fascinating discussion. Back in High School my friends and I discovered a book called "The Bowel Book", kind of a bible for the bathroom. It had some interesting concepts in it on how to achieve the perfect dump. When someone in our group took what we dubbed a "no-wiper", it was a real badge of honor. When we had a bad one we called it a "40-wiper", although sometimes a "million-wiper" would have been more apt.

Interesting to know how many other folks suffer physically from a itchy, leaky butthole at times- and have strong negative mental reactions (i.e. paranoia about odors, feeling "unclean") as well. And here I thought I was some sort of freak! I feel validated now.

Krusty Starfish's picture
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I have no problem with excessive wiping whatsoever. I gave up wiping several years ago. I am now a social outcast whose only friends are dogs and they only knock me down and roll on me.

Now please excuse me while I check out the itchy ass thread.

Down Bowser, down Rover, go away Fido!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I have an issue like this, although mine feels like it's taken to extremes. I can take anywhere from one hour to two hours plus just constantly wiping and believe me, it's not paranoia that leaves me there that long. It's getting worse and worse over the years and i've really had it, it's really affecting my life in that i don't feel like i can do anything ever, despite not smelling at all afterwards. I do feel like i haven't completely finished my business, but i honestly can't go anymore...

I'm going to have to see a doctor, i'm just seriously afraid that it's something really bad or not fixable at all. But just out of curiosity i was wondering if any of these can cause such a problem, as these are the only difference in my lifestyle as of the past few years.

-I hardly eat. I'm not starving myself, i just don't eat a lot. I generally skip breakfast because i have an abnormal sleeping pattern compared to most, eat dinner and maybe a snack during the night. My diet isn't the best but i don't eat much junk food, no way near what i did as a child and i never had this problem as a young boy. The days i do eat a lot i never feel better, but i was thinking it could be because i don't have regular meals.

-Lack of exercise. I go out daily but i have trouble finding appropriate times to get down to full on exercise.

I'm honestly at my wits end and take can't too much of this anymore. I found this topic and figured i'd just type this out, i feel a little bit better writing about it, but tomorrow will be the same story, it's the same thing every single day.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I've had this sticky, can't wipe enough problem twice. Both times it went on for a couple of years, and both times it immediately cleared up when I took antibiotics for an unrelated problem. This last time my doctor gave me a 5 day zpack for sinusitis. Problem solved. I was so excited that I told both doctors about the results...both times the doctors shrugged it off like they never heard of it before. Also, this last time I had taken erythromycin about a year into the sticky stool problem, but it didn't solve the problem. The 5 day Azythromycin solved it.

So Embarrassed! 's picture
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I have suffered from this problem for years and years. It only just occurred to me that I ought to do a web-search for some advice.

First, let me assure everyone that I do not have a hairy ass, nor am I an unclean or lazy person, nor am I overweight or unhealthy in my eating habits. I am a cute, fit young woman. Hygiene is of the utmost importance to me as is my health. I eat more veggies than almost anyone I know. I walk everywhere, several miles a day. I practice yoga. I eat a very well-balanced diet heavy on the whole grains. I stay hydrated. It makes me crazy that I have this problem.

Wet wipes don't help. Pinching off in any pose only makes it worse. A whole roll of toilet paper aggravates my hemorrhoids but doesn't clear the problem. The hand-held bidet sprayer I installed on my toilet is some help, but it's not like my poop is just sticking to me like crazy glue, more like it's still hiding in my anus, thus sometimes even soap and water aren't enough. I relate to the person who compared his anus to a pen.

I find it humiliating. I'm so OCD about it that I wash my butt at least 5 times every shower I take, and though I shower every morning, I usually shower after poops and/or before bed every day too. I just never feel clean.

I'll try the Metamucil, but I feel as though I already get a lot of fiber. I could also try cutting dairy, I guess, but I do love it. Anyway, thanks for the recommendations, all.

Living a life's picture
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I've had a problem similar to the ones being talked about here. My problem is that when I go to make poo, (sounds so dirty) I have a hard time getting a perfect ending. Usually it does not come all the way out. I can wipe squeaky clean, but I know there is still something sitting at the door not ready to go in or out, but just hang around.

Usually the problem is that I can get it clean in a few wipes, but I will have to come back to the bathroom every ten minutes or so a few times to wipe again and make sure it's still OK back there. Sure it doesn't take long, and I can make up some excuses now and then to justify using the bathroom so much, but it is very degrading, especially in public.

Usually my bowel movement affects a major part of my day. If I am just going to sit somewhere after I use the bathroom, I don't have to go back as soon, but if I am walking around or moving too much, whatever was left in there starts to come out quicker. It is usually over in two or three more restroom visits after the initial visit, but if the planets aren't aligned up right and I can't make it to the bathroom, then things get messy and I get paranoid.

Some of the worst times are when I am having to get ready for a big event and have to decide to either hold it in all day so there are no after wipes, or to try and go. The stress of forcing myself to go also aids in my work getting stuck at the door. It's a pain on my lifestyle because I don't want to walk anywhere, exercise, get dressed, or meet anybody until I am taken care of.

One trick I use is to moisten the toilet paper after I am off the toilet and give myself a good clean wipe, to get rid of any odors and feel a little cleaner. I have some hair back there, but I know it's not something sticking to it, I can tell when I am clean. Taking a shower afterward doesn't seem to help, because while that does leave me clean, if it is still feeling like something is waiting back there, I will still have to return for a few more visits to check and take care of it.

One thing I am trying to change is my diet. The theory of greasy foods causing it does make sense, and recently by eating better things aren't so bad. I think for the peace of mind, changing a diet will be worth it.

toostinky's picture
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Immediately following a colon resection, I got the mud butt, million wipe blues. Suffered 4 years. In that time, went vegetarian, used wet wipes, butt ointments (didn't know about noxema!), Citracel, etc, but nothing helped much.

I was amazed when given the antibiotic Cipro, that the problem did go away for a short time, only to return. Another time, got a bug, took antibiotics, excited to see if it would go away, and yes it did! I think the problem comes from bacteria in the gut. Bad flora, otherwise the antibiotics wouldn't affect, it right? Since I can't stay on antibiotics forever to avoid millions wipers I kept searching for a solution, and ended up here!

REPRIEVE AT LAST- two months ago we hooked up a cheap bidet to the toilet ($55) and I think I've saved at least that much in TP since. I use a soft cloth to dab dry. No more leaky butt all day, good bye pain and itch, bye bye million wipes. Don't wait, just take 10 minutes and hook up a cheap toilet bidet. It really worked for me.

Half Moon's picture
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Good on ya, too stinky. I built a bidet for about $20.00.

I use a diverter that I placed on my bathroom faucet. I attached an oxygen tube to the diverter. I cut the oxygen tube to the length I desired. Then I placed a small tight fitting grommet on the toilet end of the oxygen tube. I took a pair long handled forceps and clamped them tightly to the grommet at the end of the hose. Slide both forceps and tube under the toilet seat and voilá! Instant bidet.

I don't know how I lived without it. It takes a bit of practice to find the water pressure that works for you. I did give myself an enema the first time :>O It also takes a little practice working with the forcep to hit the sweet spot. I've found it best if you're right handed to place the forceps and tube beneath seat under the right butt cheek.

You can adjust the temperature to your taste. It's a great way to cool down a burning hemorrhoid. Shrank that little puppy too.

TrapDoor's picture
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I am also a member of the Million Wiper Club. Had this problem about 6 years. I need to go once every 2-3 days, and I hope and pray that the days I need to go are days when i can get to the shower hose, cos otherwise the whole day will be ruined for me. The worse day is a day shopping with the wife. If I need to visit the toilet, I will be stuck there for 45 mins, trying to unblock the toilet and unblock my ass. My turds are big, heavy, soft, sticky hulks that come out like soft, un-kneaded bread dough. They break off before completion, and the remainder stays plugged inside my a-hole all day, despite ages wiping and wet wiping, until they can be flushed out with a jet of water.

Wierd thing is, every now and then, I will go for 1 or two bowel movements which are perfectly ok. There are about 6 of these a year, and i can never work out what it is that I ate or did differently. I went on holiday this year, for 2 weeks. I Ate and drank the same stuff for the duration of the stay, but right in the middle of the 2 weeks I had 2 perfectly formed, easy-glide, one-wipe brownloaves. All others were million wipe specials.

There are some hilarious comments on this site, masking what is a really inhibiting and embarrassing problem. I am a fit 38 year old with a good diet. If I lived alone, i would have installed a fire-hose in my toilet by now, but as it is, this problem is hidden from my wife, who I am sure suspects something, but knows its best not to ask !

Number 1&2challenged.'s picture
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Here is my problem. I guess I can be called a million wiper. This is very upsetting. When I think about that movie actress who insisted that people should only be allowed to use ONE sheet per bowl movement, I get even more annoyed. But, not wishing to digress, my problem is complicated.
I have dreaded hemorrhoids. So, instead of having a tight pucker, I have something more akin to a horse's vagina after giving birth.
There enlies the problem. I am not sure if drippy poos are continuing to come out or whether more flaps of my hemorrhoids are unfolding allowing previous poos to escape. Whichever is the culprit, (maybe both), I sometimes find myself stuck in the toilet for a half hour or more....using up half a roll of paper....thinking I am finally done when all that is left is the blood from the continuous wiping.....and lo and behold....the procession of "stuff" continues.
On top of that, I have another issue, although not anally related, is toilet related. I developed Peyronies disease about 2 years after some wild Latina road roughshod on my penis and literally cracked it. (Yes..I know there is no bone there, but you could hear the pop"!!!!! So, now when I go to pee, my urine stream comes out curved. So, I may be facing north, but the pee comes out northeast. Then, when I make special preparations to make sure the aim is straight, I notice that I am still pissing on the floor. Why you may ask? Because there are TWO streams coming out. One is straight and the other is hooking left or right.
So, between the million wipes, stained draws, and pissed ladened floors and oh..yes..I forgot....after I wipe my dick off....and thoughroughly milk it dry....my underpants are always left with a small soaking of urine. So, I am at my wits end.
I am ready to wear a diaper and just shit and piss in my pants at will...giving all hope of normal toilet activities up. At least I will save on the washing of the undies and the cost of toilet paper.

Million Wiper 's picture
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I am in my mid 20s and have had this problem since my late teens. I honestly cannot remember the last time I took a shit and actually managed to finish wiping in a timespan of less than 15 minutes. Not only do I typically wait it out to make sure there's nothing remaining to push out (which requires me to read or screw around on my cell phone in the meantime), but I have also employed the "several dry wipes followed by a wet and then a few more dries" technique for years. Despite using this procedure, 90% of the time, when I "think" I'm completely clean and notice the last wipe comes out clean, once I've done the final flush and put my pants/shorts back on, I suddenly get the sensation down there that some more stainage has returned and upon doing a "I thought I was fuckin done with this shit already" wipe, it turns out I wasn't 100% cleaned and I end up having to do yet another "thought I was done" wipe for verification that it's really over with now.

This continues to infurirate me because I always assumed that the relatives, friends, and coworkers who were able to shit and clean up in less than 7 minutes were simply nasty pigs who were perfectly fine with walking around with shit stains on their asses all day, but unfortunately, for majority of them, this isn't the case, and they really do end up 100% deturded and cleaned up in less time than it takes to clear one round of PacMan on your cell phone.

But I wanted to add that I disagree with many of the comments on here that suggest that it's "definitely" diet related, because my diet has always been healthy for years. It consists of tons of fiber (whenever I eat any type of bread or pasta, 95% of the time it's wholewheat), I don't drink alcohol, and the only beverages I drink are water...sometimes water with lemon squeezed into it too, and occasionally I'll have skim milk a few times a month as well. I only have red meat 3 or 4 times a month, and my main food sources are chicken and fish. I only consume ice cream/fast food/junk maybe 4 times an entire year when I'm pressured into it by a chick or birthday gathering. So I honestly believe this problem is not diet related and the idea that some of us have "pockets" or "pouches" or "ridges" in our anal tracts sounds more realistic to me and something that the medical community has deviously kept underwraps for centuries (not to be confused with hemorrhoids).

P.S., I know this is exclusively a "shitty" site, but I also wanted to mention that I have this same problem with pissing. I always end up having a few drops that fail to fall even after shaking and squeezing for a solid minute, and it's gotten to the point where I always have a square of toilet paper ready to wipe out the stubborn drops that get "stuck" in there.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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Million Wiper -- I thought my diet was healthy too, until I learned what a truly healthy diet was. Grains are NOT the best source of dietary fiber for us, and eating too much of them causes many of our poopy problems.

If you look at our taxonomy compared to that of a carnivore or an herbivore, the only thing that differentiates us from herbivores is that we have just one stomach... which also happens to be the only thing we have in common with carnivores. (Source: http://www.tierversuchsgegner.org/wiki/index.php?title=Taxonomy)

Our bodies simply aren't made to handle grains or meat very effectively, and these things are so nutrient-dense that when we do eat them, we need very little--much less than any of us usually eat.

Humans are designed to digest fruits, vegetables, and nuts more than any other type of foods. Eating too little of these and too much grains, meat, and dairy--along with eating too much protein, too much processed/refined/denatured foods, and eating things together that require opposite digestive processes--is what causes all of our health problems.

Specifically the poopy issues tend to come mostly from starch fermentation resulting from not chewing them thoroughly enough and/or from eating them with animal proteins. If you will make sure to always eat starchy foods (all grains, potatoes, artichoke, pumpkin, and winter squashes) at separate meals from animal proteins (eggs, fish, meats, fowl, cheeses), and chew any starches to near liquid form or until they taste sweet in your mouth before swallowing, you will find your million-wiper problem disappearing very quickly.
_______
www.FoodMagick.com

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I guess misery loves company. I am grateful to have found this site and finally find out that I am not alone. I have never talked to anyone about my problem even though it has continued off and on for many years. 18 years ago after the birth of my second child is when I first started using baby wipes and have been grateful that wet wipes are now available that are flushable. I avoid using any public toilets because of my problem including where I work. As a teacher, I am very self-conscious if I have to go at work because students can be very blunt. I have made excuses sometimes saying that I have diarhea (sp?) so I can leave and go home to get clean. Recently, the problem has become so bad that I have sores or fissures around the outside of my anus. It is so painful. I worry when I go out of town with people other than my husband that someone will say something about how many times I flush (don't want to clog up the toilet).

After reading the comments on this site, I decided to purchase some cortisone 10 for the sores and benefiber to see if this would help some. I am going to try to keep up with the things I eat to see if I notice a difference in amount of wiping. I am several pounds overweight but it happened when I was young and thin as well. I think I will get the courage up to discuss this with my doctor at my next appointment. . .

Super-shit machine's picture
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Yep I got shit u can paint a wall with takes a half roll of tp to get rid of then it won't flush if I forget to double flush so easiest thing stop at McDonald's do the business and its like this (not my toilet not my problem) and this also cuts cost of home tp

Anonymous Coward's picture
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An apple a day keeps the sticky poop away... at least that seems to be a solution that works with my body. Apples have gone from being low on my list of favorite fruits to #1 since I've made this discovery. haha.

red toliet's picture
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I eat 2 apples a day but still get sticky popo and thought it might be fizzy soda messing and dehydrating my bowels. It was a bit cleaner after 2weeks without fizzy soda but did not solve it. Also try not to stretch your bunghole too much otherwise you mite rip something like I did. Not a very good sight, toilet fill with poop and decorated with lots of blood, makes you go off pooping altogether. An a sort of related matter I saw a manga/hentai comic about people who had their poop solidify in their guts and used some very lethal ways to try an get it out. Something i wish i could unsee.

Bio_Bidet's picture
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Im a little surprised that no one has suggested using a bidet! I have the same ongoing nightmare that the rest of you are having and the bidet makes life so much bearable. Quite inexpensive and easily installed. Should take care of your problems at home. They also have a portable version, but I havent tryed it (on a scheduled pooping routine).

Sludgy Steamer's picture
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I'm so happy I've found a site where so many people have a similar problem.

The perfect poop, is big, hard, solid, and clean. It comes out like a torpedo vegas, strong and compact, slides right out, holds a clean edge on the back side, and doesn't leave peanut butter on Rim Home Base. Sometimes even the first wipe is clean. Every once in a while I have these.

But more common is the diabolical million-wiper. Like a barn put together with Elmer's glue, the poo lacks structure and solidity, and almost always breaks apart before being baptized. I find that once most of the brown bus has driven out of the station, it breaks off from the rest because of it's own weight, leaving sticky, sloppy residue residing in the Bungular Oriface.
However, at this point, I cannot squeeze the frosting out of the tube. I push and push, but the most I can get out is a little tiny globular or two, which usually cling for dear life onto the local foliage before plummeting into the Great Beyond. The problem is I can still feel some sludge in the factory, but I just can't get it out.
Finally I give up and attempt wiping. Not only does the sticky feces leave hard-to-clean residue around my holiest of holies, but when I wipe deep I feel like it's just picking up slop from the poopie still inside my rim that I couldn't shimmy out.
However, after a million wipes I can sometimes get pretty clean, and I have never had a problem with skid marks in my unmentionables or having to return to the scene of the crime before the next body dump.
But sometimes no matter how much I wipe, my poopy bum won't stop giving me brown. In this case, which is pretty often, I hit the showers. Fortunately my shower head can be removed and manipulated, so I put it on "heavy massage" setting and fire in the hole. This almost always makes me feel much better and pretty darn clean.
I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, I almost never drop the kids off at the pool more than once a day, sometimes I go a day without. It gets very frustrating spending hours in the bathroom, having to settle with not being 100% clean, and sometimes wiping so much I chap and bleed.
I don't know what to do. I only ever poop in my own home, and only when I'm in no hurry at all.
Other than this, I am quite healthy, though my diet is a little inconsistent. I've noticed my poop stays sticky even when I eat more fruits and vegetables than usual. My friend claims that almost every poop he has is a clean rod with minimal wipage required. I had only dreamed of such a possibility.
I am relieved when I have severe diarrhea because at least I know the poo will be too liquid to adhere to my kaboosehole and it will all go out.
How can I regularly achieve the magical clean hard poops that I so rarely and so gratefully deliver? How can I get to where I no longer dread squatting over the porcelain bucket?

Return of the Sticky's picture
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When I quit smoking cigarettes, my million wiper shits stopped. I also got constipated as hell and gained 5lbs worth of fecal matter in my bowels. Then I had a smoke after a couple months of Smobriety, and it all came out in rapid succesion.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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The apple-a-day method is still working strong for me no matter what else I eat or drink, and I encourage everybody to at least try it.

Over a month since my last sticky poop, and it's amazing. I'm not even afraid to shit in public anymore (the REAL issue that all of these posts suggesting that we simply clean with soap and water are ignoring).

HalfOfMyPayGoesToTP's picture
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Sludgy Steamer, i could not have said it better. Do you guys also have horrid gas? When I let one rip, I clear the room. I'm tired of living this way.

An Apple a Day's picture
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I found an answer that works... for me. For me it definitely has to do with diet, and I'm so surprised it took me so long to realize that. Back in college I even had a colonoscopy to see if there was something wrong with my system. I look back now and realize I was eating Domino's pizza every other day.

Recently it's been a crap shoot. But I noticed certain foods certainly make it worse. Greasy foods, like pizza, but especially pepperoni.

I was soooooooo close to ordering a bidet on the internet that you hook up to your toilet, when my friend (who is very into eating healthy) simply suggested that I eat some more fiber. I told him I had tried taking fiber pills, and that didn't work. (also, I RARELY eat vegetables. I seriously have NEVER eaten a salad!).

So an apple was suggested to me. I also realized that I don't drink enough liquids during the day, so I bought a 24 pack of poland spring water.

For the past two days I've eaten simply one green apple right in the morning, lunch, dinner and all throughout the day drank water.

For the past two night's I've gotten NO-WIPERS!!!!!

I'm so happy about this! I feel a huge burden has been lifted. I'm finally "normal"... or regular lol.

So, like I said, it seems many of you have tried healthy diets and it still doesn't work, but for those of you who are like me and simply don't drink enough water and don't eat natural foods that are high in fiber, just try an apple a day! It worked for me, I hope it works for you.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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No-wipers? How do you know you got it all? Do you check in the mirror? Or should I just ask the flies following closely to your butt?
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Also try the BRAT diet: Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast. That grouping, as part of a healthy diet (or the entire diet when recovering from a diarrhea sickness), is supposed to help firm up one's stools. I have had occasion to try it, and it does help.

Lincon Logger's picture
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Wow, I am so amazed at this... my friends and I have named most of the poop styles we have colectively produced. Ranging from the "Perfect Crime"(that which leaves no evidence), "Farmer" (that which includes corn, beans and other diverse produce), up to the "Forever Wiper" (million wiper for all of you).

Ive found that wiping in sections (one side of the ass at the time) starting with a scoping motion rather than just wiping/smearing everything, works ok.(Scientific Approach)
Removing any possible dingle berrys first is crucial.

Ive heard and tested that cheese makes you shit Bricks...like Fridays Cheese sticks.

coffee REALLY does not help.

i havent taken a "Casper" (that which drops and dissapears with no flushing needed, very aerodynamic) shit in months...

i cut dairy... nothing happened...
changed to dark bread... nothing..

we are all destined to wipe FOREVER!

... ps: ive been lauging my ass (PUN!!!) off all morining to this page.... it is awesome! i thought my friends and i were crazy...we do talk alot of shit (PUN!!!)

personal hygiene man's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow!
I never really realized how lucky I was for my fecal deployments.
Unless I have eaten something really nasty that attacks you later, i am on the toilet for a "splash and go," (race car pit crew terminology there.)
Sit, shit, wipe, top it off with some MB3, (great stuff), and on to better things.
After reading all these stories and comments, I'll never take crapping for granted again!
Best wishes for the rest of you!


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personal care for your derriere!

personal care for your derriere!

coward's picture
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Thanks everyone for you're hilarious and helpful comments, lets keep it up and figure this out!!!!

I have a theory!'s picture
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For those of you with cleaning problems read clark kents very effective method posted on page 2 on 20/05/2010.

Has anybody tried the starve candida diet followed by a course of anti fungals and then probiotics?

taking anti biotics can destroy the bacteria in your gut and then the bad bacteria (that the good bacteria feeds on) can take over. this goes back to what shit volcano says also.

this can cause all sorts of stomach problems and possible mal absorbtion which could explain the sticky poop. doctors even say that anti biotics can cause i.b.s but denie candida exists.

Bad bacteria feeds on sugar and over powers the good bacteria. this could explain why no one has found the cause in their diet because really how many of you had tried to cut sugar out of your diet? (none of you! also most foods do break down into sugar.

this may be worth looking into just google starve candida and click on natural cures. this diet is hard to do and should be done in the exact order as instructed to get any idea if it works or not.

HSaunders's picture
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My god!
I've had this problem for so long!
Nearly a year and I'm only 13! So terrible for such a young persong to go through! All my friends and family think I'm crazy! I als have constant stomach aches along with the million wipers, I have my million wipers EVERYDAY!
I've been to the hospital about it and they told me to stay off wheat. It helped for a while, but now it's terrible again! When I say helped I mean it was like hard and mucus and split into pieces like rabbit poo :L

I'm going to try and do the apple a day, but do I need to eat before every meal?

balloon knot's picture
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I feel like im entering a "AA" meeting! I too have this problem.Im 29 and have had messy shits for as long as i can remember!
Ive tried everything to help: leaning , dieting, laxitives, shaving the ole pucker hole . and even naring my ass lips with no luck, still messy like a 2 yr old eating chilli! So what ive come to realize is the poop is alive, clinging to any ass hair as if it were a last effort to to ruin ur day knowing that once it hits water its dead.
Ive tried praying for a clean wipe also.
I also have issues with going in public, but it seems when im in public my ass is pushing the buttons saying ok lets get rid of this shit, I try holding it, i try farting but to no avail (Sp). usually its wet which sometimes i dont mind, but never clean! i have anxiety, so when i have a drs appt. i get nervous, when i get nervous i have to shit, when i shit , its not clean, when its not clean it smells like ive been playing basketball for 5hrs straight. so u could imagine how much i dont want the dr messing around in the "Swamp"!its not fair i would give up a kidney for a clean balloon knot!!!!!!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Sorry about your luck balloon knot,but kidneys can't be traded for other body parts. I offered a kidney for an extra arm so I could accomplish more in a day,but the doctor just looked at me as if I was stupid.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

RingO'Fire's picture
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EUUUURGH! I have million wipers EVERYDAY!
I absolutly hate it! I go up to 2 - 3 times a day and I've had a constant stomach ache since June last year! My good poos are just like HSaunders' from above me^^^^

PLEASE HELP, I'M GOING THROUGH HELL.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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RingO'Fire, You have been in pain for almost a year? Have you thought about being seen by a doctor?


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

balloon knot's picture
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*****BREAKING NEWS****** the day after I posted , I had a clean wipe followed by another one the next day! Hoping I was all set I tried for lucky #3 and was denied tremendously! GOD DAMN YOU BUNGHOLE!! ANOTHER ITCHY DAY IN HELL!!!!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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balloon knot, be grateful for the 2 clean wipes. One step at a time.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Some Dude's picture
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Try "Align", the probiotic. It's helped me with this issue some.

balloon knot's picture
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is it normal to shit out about 7 or 8 worms? I just did that, well concerened :/

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Nope, not normal, and like roaches, if you see one, you HAVE thousands...so you see 7 or 8...well, you do the math. Might want make sure you have your affairs in order.


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"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Balloon knot,you seem to have multiple ass problems,and I really hope they go away soon. If it only gets worse,you might want to consider just removing your ass.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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ya'll should definitely investigate as to whether you have a wheat intolerance - widely undiagnosed and a vast array of symptoms.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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That's orobably the most intelligent comment I've seen in this thread AC.

Now can you go somewhere else?

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I think the guy with a theory might be on to something. I'm cutting yeast, sugar, refined carbs and avoiding wheat and dairy products. so far with positive results!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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oh yeah add starch to the above post. try this diet and see what happens.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I would be willing to bet that the problem for many, if not most, of you is that your friendly intestinal bacteria have been disrupted or thrown out of balance somehow. This usually happens as a result of taking antibiotics. The best solution for this problem is to take some sort of yeast-digesting enzyme along with a very good probiotic that includes the organism S. Boulardii, which will restore your intestinal flora.

It seems like the trendy thing these days is to assume that everyone is "gluten intolerant," but the truth of the matter is, if your intestinal flora is healthy then you should be able to digest anything. And I speak from experience.

MillionWiperIsPain's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Oh GOD! Help me!!! Okay, so I've got the million wiper problem, but it's really bad! EVERYTIME I go, it's a million wiper and I constantly have stomach aches, the best poos are rabbit poos that are solid. So basically, I've had nearly a week of AMAZING wipes, then BANG, today, I shat out mucus and tiny bits of poo. It's happened 4 times, and it literally made me cry it was so painful! Please fucking help! I've been to the doctors numerous times, first they told me it was a virus that was going to clear, then it was wheat intollerance, which helped a ton for a couple of months, untill that stopped working, but if I do eat wheat, my ass gets destroyed! I tried the apple a day, worked for a while, then it stopped working, then I tried almonds, worked for nearly a week, stopped working, and now I'm stuck in pain, HELP ME PLEASE! I've also had an endoscopy (camera down throat) which they found nothing, what do I do?!!?!?!?!?!?!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Maybe your next visit,they should stick a camera up your ass instead of your throat.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Bathroom HELL's picture
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I'm also plagued with this HELL. I can only shit at home otherwise I'm fucked. If I don't have an arsenal of charmin and wet wipes, I'm literally in DEEP SHIT. I go through a few rolls of TP and a few bags of wet wipes per week. I'm so fucking sick of it. I've done everything to prevent it. Nothing seems to work. When I brought it to my doctors attention, he suggested it was a "learned behavior" .. As if I can learn to make globs of shit appear on the toilet paper with every wipe...

I'm tired of explaining to people why I have to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom and flush the toilet 4 times minimum.

Anonymous Coward on 05.11.2011 suggested we try a probiotic. I just bought "Jarrow Formulas, Jarro-Dophilus EPS, 5 Billion Organisms per Capsule, 120 Veggie Caps". I will keep you guys posted on if this works or not. I hope it does, because I'm sick of this bullshit. It puts me in a bad fucking mood and I'm always irritated over it.. Especially when people ask why.

I'm wondering if someone could elaborate on what a "yeast-digesting enzyme" is? I want to give it a try.

Anyways, we need to figure this out. I'm sick of living this way. It's so fucking uncalled for..

Clean Crack 's picture
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Often I just hop over to the tub and wash my asshole out after a real nasty sticky shit. Crouch down and let the water fall right out of the spout and run down thru crackland, soaping it up. I also do this before I go and exercise, if I've pooped at all that day...to avoid "swamp ass." I like to keep my asshole immaculate.
Why did I feel the need to share this?

Four Flush Minimum's picture
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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!


I think we have collectivly figured this plague out. As many users suggested, I think our problem is an over growth of CANDIDA in our bodies. It's the only thing that makes sense!!!!

Please check out thecandidadiet.com . This site will teach you how to lower the Candida in our bodies. We need to avoid sugar and carbs, along with several other things.

I want to thank everyone here that helped me/US figure this FUCKING thing out. It's been an awful 4 years of spending an hour in the bathroom every time I shit and having a non stop stomach ache.

I'm not affiliated with the candida site in anyway. I just want to spread the knowledge around so we can be normal again.

Let me know what you guys think!


* * * * *
check out thecandidadiet.com if you are plagued with having to wipe a million times after every poop!
* * * * *

check out thecandidadiet.com if you are plagued with having to wipe a million times after every poop!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I've been using a Tri-fiber complex from swansonsvitamins.com. It's super cheap and it seems to cure sticky poop syndrome. I only take 2 a day, though the label says 4.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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We can't assume that all the posters here have the same problem, the same reactions to things, or the same solutions. It is good to have notice of candida, or wheat or gluten allergies, and all the rest; and I am sure that acting on those things will relieve some people's problems. Not everyone, however, will find relief in those ways. The first line of defense should still be a trip to the doctor.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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My two sense worth on the issue of probiotics. It isn't necessary to take them in pill form, there are many natural sources. If you are going to continue eating McFood and take a pill along with it you will still not be healthy.

Change your diet to include the following items; Aged cheese, Beer (microbrews),
Cottage cheese, (look for bacterial strains in ingredient list),Kefir, Kimchi (one of my favorites),Miso, Pickled or fresh ginger,
Pickles (brine-cured, without vinegar), Sauerkraut, Shoyu,Tamari, Tempeh,Wine, etc.

Toss out your white bread and go for 100% wholewheat, read the label, many breads are really white bread with brown food coloring.

Eat fast food occasionally but get most of your nutrition from "real food." Follow the advice of Hippocrates and "Let your food be your medicine."

Your asshole will thank you!!


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Just don't overdo the Kimchi or you may wind up slurring your speech and saying things like "sense" instead of "cents".(a sure sign)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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(Or rancid garlic death farts.)

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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My God PD, All that old kimchi is causing my brain to format..er..fumigate..er..hell, it's right on the pit of my tong.

What noncents are you talking about anyway!


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I can't believe I came upon this site as it is right up my chute. Anyhow, my PSS (pasty stool syndrome) resurfaced after a two year hiatus. I was on pain killers which slowed my GI tract. Each movement was like a package of milk duds and quite dry. So dry, that even a half wipe would suffice. Now that I don't take pain meds anymore, I occasionally have PSS and I do have some remedies to ease the discomfort. First of all, rectal and sphincter exercises will improve pinch control to prevent premature fecal breakage. Just make believe you are extruding a sausage and do your best to pinch when it feels as if all the poop is extruded. Sometimes it's difficult and then you have what seems like an endless amount of wiping. If I know I've got a mound of paste stuck up in my poop chute I forego the customary first wipe. I hustle over to the shower and use the wand as a makeshift bidet. The problem is that sometimes the excess spackel is forcefully ejected into the tub and I have to guide it down the drain with the hose stream. I then proceed to lather up the sphincter and force my finger into my stinkhole. It's amazing how much pudding is still up there. I continue to probe and attempt to remove all remnants of fecal matter. I repeat the process until I am absolutely sure I'm clean. I then exit the shower and use a wipe to be absolutely certain that the rectum is free from excrement. It's a disgusting ritual but I am anal (pun intended) about rectal hygiene. I'm glad my mom gets me my wipes for free (DON'T ASK)!!!

million wiper triffler's picture
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FIBER PILLS (9-10 at a time, once a day). Cured for the next day. Dont miss a day or else!