why do I wipe so much?

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The Shit Volcano asks:

I used to have a major problem when I was younger with what I call a "million wiper". I think you know what I'm talking about. You wipe and you wipe and you just can't seem to get clean. Finally, after using half a roll of toilet paper, three million wet wipes, and washing your bung hole out in the sink, you leave with a sore, itchy ass. This went on for years until one day about two years ago when it suddenly stopped cold. What causes million wipers in the first place? And why would they suddenly stop and start happening at random? Note: I stopped eating red meat two years ago because of iron toxicity. (If I spelled it right!) Maybe this had something to do with it but I don't know how.





Hi Shit Volcano!

Your instincts are, as always, right on. The major cause of sticky poo and thus the need to wipe more is grease and fats in the poo. This is probably well documented somewhere, but frankly I don't have the time to look into it.

Curiously enough though, if you lean forward when pinching it off, you may notice very little if anything to wipe.

Thanks for asking!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












404 Comments on "why do I wipe so much?"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

BM...No invasion of privacy at all...I would estimate that the logs were 3 to 6 inches in length and had diameters of a modest inch and one half, but they were hard. I have discovered that vinegar has something of a protein softening ability so I decided to go green and try that.

My potty still flushed, but slowly, very adequate for the piddle I added over the next 24 hours. I can't say if the vinegar helped or if possibly the length of time under water softened the concrete turds but the end result was satisfactory.

This was one of the few times in years that I have had to resort to the plunger. Oh..being as green as possible was one of my goals.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Formerly a Million's picture

I dealt with this issue for years. Early this year I was tested for allergies, and I now take weekly allergy shots. It fixed my problem. No more million wipes for me.

Just some dude with A shit syndrome haha's picture

seriously...what the fuck.. it's pissing me off. like sometimes i have to take a shit at my friends house but i don't want to clog the damn toilet.. then when i do take shits at my house i usually jump in the shower and scrub my ass with soap till the fucker turns blue SOMEONE HELP haha

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Maybe lay off the laughing gas as it seems to have affected your writting would be a good start.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

A modest turd, for me, would be the size and length of my middle finger.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Just some dude with A shit syndrome haha,
You could make your posts more interesting and less monotonous if you would substitute your hahas with some tehes, giggles, or an occasional guffaw.

If your ass turns blue in the shower the water is probably too cold.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Or you've been shower raped by Poppa Smurf.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Spongebob Shitpants's picture

I just had a million wiper and I decided it was time to google a solution. I used 500,000 wet wipes and 500,000 charmin ultras, if that wasnt bad enough i had shit all over my right palm, and on top of that i clogged the toilet. good thing im at the public library and not using my home keyboard. I feel bad for the next moron to use this station.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Spongebob......It seems to me that you could just use one of your relatives to wipe with.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Dung-A-Roos's picture

Wow Spongebob, its sponges like you that never seem to do anything productive like cleaning my ass. So whenever i get a chance to go swimming in the ocean, i find the closest spongebob and grab it by its squarepants and just start wiping my asshole with it. This magically creates a spongebob shitpants.

veganpooper's picture

So pleased I'm not suffering alone! I am female & a vegan for 14 years. I have had this problem for years. I have a low fat diet. Cook with a little olive oil when necesary & obviously eat no dairy produce, meat or fish. I have a wholefood diet with masses of veg (maybe too much?). I use some toilet paper first then wipes, but some poo is always left stuck just inside, like glue, which I have to remove. Awful

Anonymous Coward's picture

Plus one for shaving. I had a "million wiping" problem my whole life until I one day shaved the perianal region. Since then, I've kept things smooth down there and hardly need to wipe more than twice per bathroom visit.

Scotty's picture

I've had this problem as well. I eat tons of fiber, which makes the poo soft, loose, and clingy. I didn't have access to my fiber cereal for a few days and I noticed that I only need like two wipes and they were usually spotless. I've extended the experiment and it still works. Perhaps too much fiber can cause this problem.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My nice firm barbecued possum turds hardly leave any smearage at all, eat your hearts out vegans and vegetarians..


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Until I was 19 I didn't have this, but something happened when I was 19 that changed me. Now for the last 8 years I have had million wipers most of the time. Until I was 19 my diet has been terrible and I have had upset stomachs, but never used to need to spend so much time wiping.

I don't think it can be caused by something you eat because for 19 years I was eating everything and not getting this. Something happened at some point that caused my ass to turn on me.

I have a bit of a theory; that is you push out the turd that is meant to come out, but then your ass doesn't react to close in time and carries on pushing the stuff that is still forming into a solid turd and should not be ready to come out yet.

buttcracker suite's picture

Ok so i'm not sure what sticky poo is, but my problem is as follows. I go to the bathroom do my business and wipe until I see clean toilet paper. I then flush and go about my business. Later my rear feels itchy or wet like my butt sweat or something I go to the bathroom to wipe the itch away and what do you know more poop. why is this happening?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Well, at 38 I have the million wiper syndrome for the first time in my life. I am female and it's not a hairy crack situation because this is the first time I've ever had it. Normally, I poo 3-5 times a day and they are solid poos, 2 wipes max.

So, in my case I think this is related to diet. Recently I went on a low-carb diet and starting eating lots of tuna, salads, aspartame and textured soy protein/tofu. That probably says it all. I always only drink water, hot tea and kombucha. For some reason, I have been adding aspartame and cream to my tea. Not good, I don't think.

So, I just wanted to let you know that I went from eating lots of fruit, nuts, the occasional pizza, burrito etc. and having normal poos to a low carb diet with fish, soy veggies, low-fat cheese and limited fruit (grapefruit only) and got a itchy mud-butt. I have never had this before!!! I wipe and wipe and it doesn't go away. I shower, wipe myself with the towel and it gets on the towel. After I washed several times and used the shower like a bidet!!! Ugh.

I am going to add carbs back into my diet in the hopes of making a solid poo. So ironic that my best poos happen when I eat pizza and other junk! No more aspartame or cream!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Update from the 38 yr. old female who changed her diet:

I got apricots and they worked like a charm! They are a great laxative. Thanks to all who recommended. I decided to focus on eating vegetables, fruits and grains so I get enough fiber in my diet. Good luck to all!

hambonedodge's picture

Diarrhea is often a blessing for me, and i think a colostomy bag would be a cure!
I broke my foot and the foot doc put me on daypro, every since then I have had the sticky poo's.
I told the doc this and he said, "it sounds like a hygene problem to me!"
My not paying him the $400.00 I owed him was also a hygene problem!

Anonymous Coward's picture

You Guys need to sit a bit longer so the left overs can dry out. Than 2 - 3 wipes and you are done.

hambonedodge's picture

I can't try sitting longer, I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. I guess you could say I poop on the run, then go back a few times to do some follow up wiping!
I bought some metamucial and I was mixing a double like someone suggested, I had diarrhea and long farts all day long, 4 wipes got the job done.
I am going to adjust my dose of metamucial.
And take 1 dose before bed and see what that does. I wish everyone here could cure them selves. This is a disabling condition.

itchy ring's picture

I've suffered in silence for so long with a sticky anus. Good to know others also have to wipe endlessly. I hate how I leave the toilet and 5 minutes later my ass is all greasy and sticky. Filthy. Sometimes I have to go back in and wipe 3 or 4 times in an hour. Washing works if you're near a shower but this is impossible when taking a work dump. Lord have mercy on sticky-shitters. Someone please tell me what to eat to bind up my turd.

hambonedodge's picture

Here is a few things I have noticed, after eating fruity pebbles I have had solids.
After drinking free Gatorade all day I had a good solid dump.
I am taking equate Mutamucial now, 1 tbs before bed, the next day it is far from solid but clean up takes one wipe.
I am so thankful for this site!
Scott toilet paper is weird I like the way the first wad off a new roll comes unrolled in one piece, no more trying to track thin strips around the roll trying to get them to rejoin the main layer!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Wow! I thought I was the only one out there polishing turds! I get really upset because its embarrassing when you take down your underwear and there is always a brown stain there. The other week I stayed at a motel and I went back because I thought I'd left my sunglasses there and the woman said "no you didn't leave your sunglasses but you left your knickers". Immediately i felt the cold clench in my gut when I wondered if they had been stained and sure enough when she handed them back to me it was even worse....SHE'D RINSED THEM OUT AND PUT THEM IN A PLASTIC BAG FOR ME!!! Major embarrassment. Hard to know how to come back from trauma like that.

hambonedodge's picture

NEVER NEVER wear white underwear!

Anonymous Coward's picture

You want to end runny shits.... eat more fiber! Bran is great but also Porridge, so go get yourself some 2 scoops of raisin bran or pick up that bran muffin and chow down!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I don't know about the fibre thing being the problem. i eat so much that my poo floats.... hell you could raft them up and sail the pacific quite safely. i still have sticky poo. sticky poo that floats.

Anonymous Coward's picture

And on the subject of the colour of underpants. when is someone going to realise that a huge marketing opportunity is going to waste here (poor pun intended) and bring out an attractive range of poo camouflage underwear? I for one would be first in line to buy those babies!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I can easily visualize a nice line of undies in varying shades of brown. As a youth (50 years ago) I had this thought of making toilet paper brown; but on further reflection I saw that that would defeat one of its prime purposes: to give a contrasting white field on which to view the results of the wipe. In a way, brown undies would do the same thing: If you get skidmarks on underwear but can't see the marks, won't you be tempted to keep wearing the same pair until they smell bad or weigh more than they should? Just a thought . . .

J-Lo's A-Hole's picture

I clean my a-hole with a bottle brush then wash it with a nice brand of shampoo, blow-dry it and give it a spritz or two of perfume. Need I say that it is a thing of beauty, smells wonderful, and never leaves skid marks on my undies or my lover's mustache.

hambonedodge's picture

I was also a member of another message board on smelly arm pits, and the smell would not go away, I got that problem taken care of. with smelly arm pits and a leaky ass, I really was a shut in, now that I am almost odor free, I am starting to get out more. Here is what I learned about the arm pits so maybe someone here has the same problem, and can benefit from my experience, shave your arm pits bald for one week, and rotate different deodorants
after bath or shower until you get the smell under control, then use arm and hammer scent free deodorant every day.
Put it on real thick.
The problem of smelly feet is one I still have
but it is easily controlled with getting new shoes and Odor eaters.

Anonymous Coward's picture

the reason that i use a million wipes is because im scared incase i have poop on the hair of my bum probably nothing there.

hambonedodge's picture

Relapse today, could be from eating penut butter.
Wipe until your hand is sore!

smarter wiper's picture

I've been having this problem for years. I can confirm that diet plays a big part in this. I went on a high fibre diet a few years ago and was amazed at my poop. I hardly ever had to wipe more than a couple of times. I once had one that I felt touch the botom of the loo before I pinched. It was stod out of the pot like a baseball bat. That mf took some getting rid of.

Anyway, the taste of the diet wore me down and I'm back to eating whatever passes within reaching distance. I have found some comfort in a techinique I have recently discovered. I always wiped front to back, I mean forever. Anyways, in a particularly messy moment I tried wiping the opposite direction and managed to scoop a huge amount from my arse. It must be the way I'm shaped. If you have a bit of a cup shape in your bottom, wiping accross it is like skimming over an ice ceam scoop. Just go the opposite direction, it works for me.

TurdBurglar11's picture

So, I have a really hairy ass, i mean really hairy. My poo gets stuck on hair thats not even in my crack! It just catches it on the free fall. So I have to wipe my asshole and all around it. And does anyones get raw and bleed just a tad bit?

Anonymous Coward's picture

i have the question of all questions. my i've sometimes catch my boyfriend sratch between his cheeks and then smells his fingers, i'm kind of worried is there something wrong with him?

hambonedodge's picture

I have ate nothing but beef for the last 2 days and my shit is worse than ever.
That pretty much sums it up for me
Meat makes my poop sticky!

PoopSwoopSmearRear's picture

Seriously: I am eating well! No sugar, low fat, working out like crazy... the gooey poo has got to stop! (This is new since the low fat diet started on Jan 1...) HELP!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I figured out how to get my backside clean, without using half the roll. You have to wrap toilet paper around your finger (or don't if you can stand it, poop washes off) and stick your finger in your anus, and dig whats left out. Works for me, no more skidmarks.

Pooppants's picture

Only after giving birth did I have to wipe a million times! I think I permanently destroyed my rectum and sphinter from pushing that kid out.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I shit once a day, but its usually at home after holding it for 8-plus hours while TRYING to work. sometimes i just shit at work, then i have people asking me where ive been for the last 30 MINUTES. 5 minutes shitting 25 wiping, till it bleeds. wtf? counted my wipes once, lost count at 60. its an embarassing problem, i have a 3 wipe rule. 3 clean and im done, thats now been reduced to two. i actually pray to God to help me get those 2 clean wipes. its like theres another turd waiting at the exit and im just wiping it away. bullshit

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Try baby wipes, AC, and have them at work in a secret place, taking one or two along with you when you have to poop. Holding it in can cause real problems after a while. If you can reduce the wipe time, you won't have the embarrassment of half an hour gone, to say nothing of the waste of water and paper (surely you can't get rid of 60 wipes with one flush).

Finnish anal cleansing's picture

I had this problem all my life... until I moved to Finland. There's a hand held shower thingy next to every toilet...Now I hardly need to use any paper!! God bless Finland

Embarassed teenager's picture

I have a huge problem. I am a teenager in high school and these past 2 or 3 years I have been having to do million wipes. Like every day. Whenever i go to school i try not to take a shit, but if I do then i have to ask the teacher in front of the whole class usually because the teachers are usually always talking. It takes me about 20 - 30 minutes. Probably 5 minutes to shit and 25 to wipe. People are always wondering what i am doing and i have to make up stuff like. I was wandering the halls. I also get very embarassed and i don't think i can buy baby wipes to bring them to school. I hate taking a shit at school too because the toilet paper is cheap and very hard to get out. They rip too easily.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I don't know where you live or if you can drive. If you can, why not buy a few travel packs of baby wipes and start taking them to school with you? You can stick a travel pack in your pocket or in one of your socks.

Start eating more fiber, like bananas, etc., and cut down on the meat and fatty foods. I hope you can find some relief. It's hard being a teenager.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture

Wow....I feel normal ...I thought it was just me..who had the poopy woopy problems lol
Ive got through more wipes these last 2 years..yeh and It could make sense about the fat ..cos the last one I did was after eating lamb..and thats a fatty meat...Bit worried about it could be the pancreas or gall bladder...Doh ..another thing to add to my list of things wrong with me...Oh what a joy getting old (not)....

Anonymous Coward's picture

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!! Years with this problem. I'm going to try cutting back on dairy and see what happens. I actually got enough nerve to ask my Doc and she said to eat more fiber. My diet is pretty much the same every day but just went through another bout - horrible!! Been using fiber one in my drinks and eating an apple a day and give it some time before I go back to my Doc. I was eating a lot of cottage cheese and yogurt so we'll see if the low dairy helps.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had this problem for a few years now and tried alot of things to fix it. I went from a high fat diet to a low fat diet then I added alot of fiber. Nothing worked. Then I realized one day that when I have a bowel movement I tend to spread out my cheeks on the toilet. Then one day I randomly forgot and I barely had to wipe. So if you spread out your cheeks dont do this!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC ... I am confused, your ass kinda spreads automatically when you assume the position on the throne. Many folks on PR are advocates of "cheek spreading" and claim that with this method there is "less mess" and it is easier to achieve a "spiffy sphincter."


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

hambonedodge's picture

Has any one else noticed when the "BOMB" splashes some water back on the brown eye it takes less wiping? Here is a theory: The shock of the cold water causes extreme puckering.
Think about it.

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