Editor's note: this story is being posted in association with PoopReport's Fake Stories About Poop Week. That's the ONLY reason this atrocity would ever see the light of day.
this is my story of disasterist shitting!
it was a hot summer morning and i was out for a surf, the waves were of the hook and i was on top of the world.
wen i decided to come inshore and go about my day, i recieved a call from my old room mate mat, "hey dude, wats up" he replyed we chatted for 5 or ten minutes and then decided to meet up and hit the town. i arived at mats hosue about 5;30pm and we decided to go and get some grub, we walked up and down the main roads looking for some kind of buffet-you know the all you can eat type!
so we found a walk in chinease all you can eat, so we went in grined and grabed a plate and piled up our plates not knowing that we were commiting anus suicide, fried rice, sweet and sour pork, black been beef, egg omlet and honey chicken. us being big men we went back and forth about 5 times in all, washing them down with some beem and cokes so after we demolished the chinease shop we decided to go find a local bar and get pissed some more. round after round we drank and drank until we were plastered, we decided to go to a local nite club and try and find some ass and make the nite even more remberable........not knowing what was truly up for us..
we got into the club and mat seemed a bit off colour, i asked him and if he was ok, he just replyed "yeah man just a bit of intergestion-that all, nothing anoter shot couldnt fix" so i concoured and we drank and drank, it hit about 11;30 pm and i started to feel a bit queezzy and not rite so i said to mat if he wanted to stay he could but he said that he wasnt feelin so crash hot enyways so we decieded to wait for a cab, we waited and waited and the it hit me the wave of pains going through my lower gut pulling me to hell.
i said to mat i dont feel so good ay! lets go home! he said yep and ran out in front of a cab and flaged it down for us we jumped in. It was a 25 min drive to mats house, half way home mat tells that he is feelin sick with bad gut pains and i informed him that i was feelin the same way, he said "maby it was the food at the chinease resturant-oh fuck get me home " he replied, at this point the waves were going through me the sweet was running down my ass crack and forhead, the cab pulled up and we paid the driver. mat ran up the staires opend the door and spewed in the kitchen sink me following him holding my gut.
i sat down and then mat sat accross the room looking like shit. this usally taned bloke had turned pure white and gained blood shot eyes wen all of a sudden i felt the massive urge to spew so i ran into the bathroom droped on my nees and barfed and barfed.
after spewing i went back in the lounge room and sat we were quite as wen i replied "i feel fucked up" mat saying "me to" i felt the massive urge to fart and let some gas fly so i did and stunk the room out- it smelt like death, wen mat did the same thing, i could tell wat was going to happen the waves of pain was continuing wen i decided to let out another fart so i did and a small drible of wet fart came out so i jumped up and ran for the can yelling "i gotta shit" with mat yelling out "me to dont be long" so i ran in and riped my pants down and slamed down on the shitter, with the shit pains increasing i felt this tsunami of shit inside me increasing wen i start to sweet and then it hit me i leaned forward and grabed my knees and moaned as this jet streamed diahoreah expeled from me, the streames lasted for about 8 seconds each. one after another it looked like liquid big mac as it passed out of my soure starfish, i was shitting and shitting wen i hear this bang on the door hurry the fuck up jack i have to shit and NOW! before i could even wipe my ass he had bursted in and saw me shitting, wen a masive wave of shit hit me as i screamed get the fuck out he heared wat was about to happen to him as this load of liquid shit galloped out of me, wen he grabed me by the hand and pulled me of the shitter and then droping his dacks and and slaming down he grabed on to the basen beside him and grinding his teath, wen all i heard was this sloppy diahoreah jet spray which lasted for about 10second each with him moaning and growining in pain, so i grabed some paper and wiped my ass and got out of their a hour and half went by and mat was still in their, when hemerged saying "im so not fucking going back their"
i just laughed and concoured the nite went by and we both made consecutive trips to the john vowing never to go back to a chinease buffets!!!!!!!!!
