TO: Dave
FROM: Melissa Owens
DATE: 2.1.02004
SUBJECT: Plea for Compassion
==============================
Dear Dave,
My husband is an idiot. One of his posts on the eternal debates under Courtesy Flush, he decided to tell of his wife's drinking and pooping. While the events in questions are accurate, we have a difference in opinion as to whether or not the world should bear witness. His username "Dook of Earl" is fine by me but the fact that he put his email which happens to be his REAL NAME (xxx@sbcglobal.net) burns my butt, so to speak.
While I doubt that anyone in his family (or his family's church... or my daughter's preschool...) actually would stumble on to the post, if it did happen, they would certainly have no doubt that the Christian Owens who wrote it was indeed he, and not the other 10,000 Christian Owens in the world.
If you would be so kind as to remove his email address, I would be eternally in your debt.
Sincerely,
Melissa "Fresh-Cut Roses" Owens
TO: Dave
FROM: Chuck
DATE: 2.4.02004
SUBJECT: submitting poop art for you!
==============================
[IMAGE]I've got more like this if you would like to see them. You can e-mail me at McCarty2ssd@aol.com. My name is Chuck. Hope you enjoy!
TO: Dave
FROM: luke devories
DATE: 2.8.02004
SUBJECT: ask poonurse
==============================
hello, i have a problem. i have very large bumps in my butt crack. i can barly stand up. i have tried everything. i am going to cut them out my self. is this a god idea?
TO: Dave
FROM: luke devories
DATE: 2.8.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
i was in school and in the bathroom, me and my friends went tin and saw the biggist terd in the world. it wrapped around the toilet 2 wice. it was at least 13 inches long. i swear it wighed 2 pounds. we were amazed
TO: Dave
FROM: bob
DATE: 2.8.02004
SUBJECT: mail bag
==============================
your a fucken ass hole you fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 FUCK YOU ASS hahahahahahahahaha shit head! blast it og my butt shit head your a fucker!
TO: Dave
FROM: David B Flanagan
DATE: 2.9.02004
SUBJECT: hi dave
==============================
hi do you 25 inch and 3 inch wide poops? i poop every day in the morning they are good solid 18 inchers and 3 inches wide. my jobes are huge huge jobes. dave
TO: Dave
FROM: Bill Wanker
DATE: 2.2.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I had a large dinner at Taco Bell; two bean and beef burritos, a grilled stuffed steak burrito, a side of nachos and a large Pepsi. 45 minutes later my stomach really started rumbling and I felt a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. I rushed to the toilet, pulled my pants down and began my turn to sit, but the poo came out as I was still standing. Luckily, the powerful momentum of the turn allowed the poo to plop directly on target, which splashed me with a great deal of water.
Due to the bowl's water loss, the poop, which was a strange enchilada sauce orange color, refused to flush. I ended up pouring a pitcher of water in there and then using a broom handle to shove it down the pipes, and off it went into the wild blue yonder!
TO: Dave
FROM: Lil Stevie
DATE: 2.3.02004
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================
There are times when I think I am done, but I am not and no amount of wiping stops the skids. I am wondering if I am wiping wrongly. I asked my "life partner" to help (I got the guts to ask after several chocolate martinis!), and he said I look the same "back there" as everyone else.
I can't help but think I have some type of secondary opening which never "runs dry."
But all the wiping (i) chafes and (ii) interferes with other extra-curricular activities (wink, wink!).
TO: Dave
FROM: Shilo Express
DATE: 1.31.02004
SUBJECT: poop to big to imagine
==============================
dear poop report,
i have thee largest poop you have ever seen my turds at times are so large my anus hurts for a week i have measured my largest what i consider to be guiness world book record turd measurements were 14in. long and this is the killer 9in. wide this turd was so painful coming out i screamed from the bathroom alarming the entire party of my world setting record turd. i have not been able to sit for days my asshole will never be the same.
signed,
the log maker[11]
TO: Dave
FROM: Anonimus
DATE: 1.31.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I was 11 and my parents had draged me with them to some campground. It was ok, because they had an arcade. I was working on the high score sand I felt a fart coming on. "Ok"I thought there is no one around. So I let it rip. Needless to say out came the fowless smelling shit you can imagine. Reluctantly I gaveup my high score to waddle to the bathroom 200 yards away, up a hill.I went as fast as I could, trying not to be seen. I finaly go there, and to my dismay there was a sign on the door "Bathroom Closed For Cleaning".
Of all the luck I blow in the one state park in Michigan that actualy cleans the bathroom. I waddled around the side of the building, to see if the cleaning crew was stil there. Lucaly they were on their break. I waddled in striped myself of my staind underwhere, and took the best shit of my life. I didnt want my parents to see my stainded drawers, so I striped them and ran back to our camper trying not to be seen by anyone. Unfortunitly that was my only pair of underwhere, and I spent a weak with my ass rubing on my jeans.
The End
TO: Dave
FROM: Monky Mike
DATE: 2.1.02004
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================
Yo, I was gettin biz wit this chick the other day and she was pipin me out. So when I pull her panties off, I notice a lil stain on the inside. I tried not to focus on it, but it was so funny. I started laughin hard as hell, which made her stop pipin me. She was like, "Why you laughin" and I pointed out her panties. I was disgusted at the sh1t, but it was also the funniest thing I had seen in a while. She was mad embarrassed, but the funny thing was that I couldn't stop laughin. I'm still over here laughin thinkin about it. She eventually got mad and kicked me out her house. Even when I was walking out the door I was still laughin. I just wanna know if anybody else has experienced a chick that didn't wipe and wash her ass correctly.
TO: Dave
FROM: Chip Brown
DATE: 2.7.02004
SUBJECT: {no subject}
==============================
Hey Dave!
There was some talk awhile back on the forums about PR's submitting photos of their toilet and having people guess who they belong to. Well, I got a digital camera and decided to put it to good use. Attached is a photo of my humble shitter. Use it if you can.
TO: Dave
FROM: chelsea
DATE: 2.7.02004
SUBJECT: mail bag
==============================
This report sucks like hell if i were u i would close this website up im neva coming back on this website AGAIN!!!!!!!
TO: Dave
FROM: Emma Kesic
DATE: 2.8.02004
SUBJECT: consumer reports
==============================
when we went on holiday my dad shit himself because thier was a chameleon on the front window of our car he screamed his bullox of
TO: Dave
FROM: Christopher Lowell
DATE: 2.10.02004
SUBJECT: mail bag
==============================
I disagree with the theory supposed that incomplete anal cleaning after defecation could allow the "fertilization" of rectal hairs. It's as preposterous as vaseline growing hair, which, if true, would have me shaving my colon's interior and I would have a ponytail to groom from my asshole, silly!!!!
TO: Dave
FROM: The Shit Volcano
DATE: 2.10.02004
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================
Does anyone else get the urge to shit when you read Poop Report?
TO: Dave
FROM: max woods
DATE: 2.13.02004
SUBJECT: ask poonurse
==============================
is it wrong to have green poo with hair in it most days? please reply im in a bit of a bother.my mum is telling me to seek out a doctor, but i say no, i have too much pride, i am not a retard that plays with pokemon cards on a satarday morning!
Dave responds:
How does going to the doctor make you a retard?
Max writes back:
so wat do u say i do, have a wank
Dave valiantly tries again:
green poo could be your diet:
http://www.poopreport.com/Intellectual/Content/Dye/dye.html
http://www.heptune.com/poop.html
But if it persists, you should go to the doctor. You're only retarded if you don't go. Don't be ashamed -- it's their job to do things like talk about poo.
Max writes back:
when i wank i have a poo
Max writes back again:
do u wank or finger yourself
Dave is funny:
maybe you shouldn't go to the doctor. no great loss.
TO: Dave
FROM: bugzy
DATE: 2.13.02004
SUBJECT: for the blog
==============================
once my niece was very sick so her mom said not to give her milk. so we asked the waitress if we could have apple juice she drank the whole thing and then we herd this load noice it sounded like some one was moving furnitcher. and it was the milk i cald it huricane isabell cause her name was isabella
TO: Dave
FROM: julia
DATE: 2.16.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
my mom like took a crap and she took a picture of it and she put it on the computer!!!!!!!!
TO: Dave
FROM: I NEVER WIPE, IT JUST GETS DIRTY AGAIN ANYWAYS.
DATE: 2.16.02004
SUBJECT: ask poonurse
==============================
HI POONURSE,
i hope you can help me by answering a quick question. my girlfriend recently asked me to shit on her to spice up our sex life. i was verry turned off by this but did it because i love her. after a harty poo on her chest she smiled and ate it saying you really do love me. i was scared. i know this cant be good for her health. can you help me?
TO: Dave
FROM: George Bush
DATE: 2.22.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I was on air force one then i shit on madeline albright
TO: Dave
FROM: Hardcore$Money
DATE: 2.22.02004
SUBJECT: Business / Traffic Proposal for poopreport.com
==============================
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TO: Dave
FROM: Bass Man
DATE: 2.15.02004
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================
Most things have a natural frequency at which they resonate or vibrate. Does the human digestive system have such a frequency. Or to put it another way, is it possible for the human body to naturally shit to a low sound frequency (eg 20 Hz) ???
Dave responds:
The distinguished scientists over at South Park have explored this phenomenon in depth:
http://www.geocities.com/d300g/southpark03.html
http://www.southparkstudios.com/fans/polls.html?id=13
http://www.jahozafat.com/...he_Brown_Note.shtml
However, this site has some serious responses: http://www.ubersite.com/m/24883
Hope that helps,
Dave
