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 The Colostomy Bag: Mail From ReadersPosted 06.09.2004 by Dave (11657)
I thought you'd get a laugh out of this one.
TSV
Ok, I was pregnant at the age of 13..i am now 16...anyways...we all know that this little thing inside of me would make me have to pee and shit like a freakin...horse!...I was sitting at lunch one day with the guy who got me pregnant and his family, his family and my family are really close...thank GOD! I ate like a horse and then we got in the car for the 2 hour ride down to NC to go see their other daughter who was at NCU...on the way down there the bowels started going and i didn't know what to do...i was like umm I have to use tha bathroom... WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE! unless i wanted to take a shit on the side of the road i was screwed and i was stuck in for the ride....i was 8 months pregnant...and I was at the stage of you would be able to see his foot going across my stomach..
it was freaky..so this little tiger inside of me started kicking me in the bladder...so i had to pee and i had to take a huge shit! it was terrible...i sat there holding my stomach trying to convince him not to move..but i had no control...i had to let loose....so we pulled over and me and the guy who got me pregnant went to see what we could find...the only thing we found was a bucket in their trunk..i was like " I have to go i have to use it!" so i took a huge dump in this bucket! it was terrible one i almost fell over cause i was so heavy and two...i took a shit on the side of the road in a bucket!!!!!
about 3 days later...when we were in NC i gave birth to my son...and man am i glad that i dont have to shit that bad no more! hallelujah!
so beware pregnant women! dont do what i did! it sucked shit! if you wanna se pics of my son and also my most recent daughter lemme know!
hey i shit my pants and then eat it and i always rub my shit in peoples faces after i shit my pants i use it as a lubricant for me to have a wank
Well I am a runner, and sometimes I get what they call "runner's trots". That is when you get diarrhea right after you run. Well one day I went on a 5 mile run, and when I finished I really had to "go". I live on the 7th floor of my building, so I started waiting for the elevator. It wasn't comming, and I started to really have trouble holding it in, so I decided to run up the stairs so I can get to the bathroom faster. I did, and when I got home I rushed to the bathroom to find that my roommate just got into the shower. At this point I was panicing because I had to go so bad and couldn't hold it in anymore. I ran to my room quickly trying to figure out what I can do. Then I spotted a bag on my desk. I quickly pulled down my pants and took the bag and put it to my ass and let it loose. It felt so good to finally let that shit out!
I get sexually arroused when people talk about having to go to the bathroom really bad, and holding their stuff in and what not. Sometimes it makes me drink 2 liters of water and see how long I can hold it in for. I get so arroused from it! Is this a serious problem? What is the cause of it, and how do I stop?
dont worry, i didnt angry with you. and, you do no need to apologize to me. but, something you have to keep in mind that, i'm your teacher, ok?
when u poop and lillte white things that look like worm are all in your poop what do u think that means are that u have
z gases is my problem ,i use a charcool tab. every time ,what else ?
My uncle Sam is unbelievable!!!! he takes craps the size of an elephant!!!!!!! One time he came over and asked if he could use our bathroom and when he left you could smell it from the livingroom!!! so we walked in to the bathroom and he DIDN'T flush, I mean WOW the were monstrous. powwow the were just gross and all nutty and had corn chunks in it! I almost barfed!
-- Kristen and Robert
Hey Dave,
I was up late last night watching The Office on BBC America and, lo and behold, on came this commercial for a product called Bidet Ole'.
It's this bidet product that is purportedly more convenient and space-saving because it hooks into the water line behind your toilet like a miniature shower massage for your ass. To me it seems potentially messy--I thought one of the benefits of the bidet was not having to have your hands anywhere near your, uh, soiled backside. So I'm not going to be a consumer guinea pig and purchase it, sorry. I don't want to accidentally spray crap water all over my bathroom (or myself)...
Later,
One day I was going on a walk and I was hungry so I stopped and got a bean Burito. After I was done I continued to walk home but I got this sudden feeling in my stomach. I had to shit really badly! so I tryied to make it home but I couldn't so I made it to the nearest gas station. But on the way I squirt out a little in my shorts.
When I got to the gas station I saw a guy(chad)I really liked from college had his girl friend(anna)was whith him and she hated me because chad allways talked to me so it pissed her off. I ran to the bathroom and I just farted none stop! then when I got out Anna was there Chads girlfriend! she was laughing so hard and then she ran and told him! Oh i was so embaressed! I ran home and cryed all night long!
Hey Dave,
I went to the Renaissance Faire here in Phoenix and had to take this picture for the site. Thanks for keeping the site going! It's the only thing I can depend on for a daily laugh.
Last week, my boyfriend, Mike, had the stomach flu. It had gone through everyone in our apartment - both me and my roomates had it the week before. It had been only a minor flu for us, but poor Mike had it REAL bad.
He called me from work one day (after he thought his flu was over) complaining of cramps in his stomach. I told him that he should just brush it off and that it was probably just a bit of gas. He said that I was probably right, and he hung up the phone.
A few hours later ( Iwas napping on the couch) Mike came bursting through the front door and told me that he had filled his pants on his lunch break. He looked mortified!!
I strangely thought that Mike looked kind of sexy with shit in his pants and asked him to let me see in the bathroom.
When I saw his genitals dripping with crap, I thought I was going to have an orgasm!!! When I told him this, he grunted and passed more feces right in front of me!!
Well, that's my story!
THIS IS A HINT FOR CONSTIPATION! FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE THIS SITE. I STUBLED UPON IT THE OTHER DAY LOOKING FOR CONSTIPATION RELIEF HINTS. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE! THANKS SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS PAIN/CONSTIPATION NIGHTMARE! BY THE WAY, I GO TO THE GI DOC SOON TO FIND OUT WHAT THE STORY IS. BOTTOM LINE... I RAN ACROSS SOMETHING ABOUT CONSTIPATION RELIEF ON A SITE I CANT RECALL THAT MENTIONED TAKING CRUSHABLE VITAMIN C ON AN EMPY STOMACH
Hi Dave! I came across this site the other night after a horrid visit to the hospital. I had been constipated and THOUGHT I was home free after taking what I call"a respectable dump" I couldnt have been more wrong! I was in total pain throughout the dumping and afterwords I didn't feel that welcome relief. Finally, my roommate took me to the ER. I begged not to go as who wants to ride a half hour in a bumpy truck in pain, not knowing when the urge will hit again? Anyway, to make a long story short, got to the ER... doc gave me demerol... NOTHING. NO RELIEF FROM THE PAIN!!!!! I was desperate... I would have even agreed to an enema but I had already tried that and I couldnt hold the water in for " a couple of minutes" as the directions asked. Yea, right... GIMME A BREAK! Anyway, the doc finally set me up with a dialaudid (sp) drip and the pain went away. After I got home, and had a good nights sleep, I was back to normal.
I got online to find some information on constipation and found your site! I LOVED IT! The people who write the posts are all obviously intelligent, witty people because I have never laughed so hard in my life! I went from being totally depressed about possibly having to deal with a diagnosis of IBS to feeling like things werent so bad. Others suffered to and learned to laugh about it. True, I get some odd glances from co-workers who pass by and see POOP report on my PC screen, but eh, I can deal. The site is way too entertaining to give up sneaking glances at it at work.
I submitted something the other day about how taking chewable vitamin C helped with some later constipation but can locate the post. I wanted to see what other hints people may have in dealing with it.
Please feel free to post this letter but Id rather you not use my email address as it obviously gives away my identity.
Thanks for making my dilemma a little more bearable!
Ann:)
When I was 6, I doodooed at 2 pm on a Saturday. I pushed real hard to get 4 turds out. They were brown. I stood up to wipe and had to doodoo again. 2 more came out. I wiped 15 times. It took 15 minutes to doodoo. I got hard because it felt good. They were hard, big, spiky/smooth turds. I flushed twice.
well i was doing a presentation at school in the middle of me report i felt a little rumble in my stomache and i started to shift my weitht. Then it happened, i let out a huge fart along wiht turds and some liqid all in my pants. Everyone laghed and i left to wipe my self up. It was so embarising the teacher was even laughing.
When i was in high school in the early 80"s these four guys in my school. They would go into the empty theater room and poop on the stage right before class change. Scoop the poop up with cardboard open the sidestage door and fling it on to the ceiling in the hall. So during class change people had shit falling on there heads. Needless it went on for awhile and they thought it was so funny they started bragging about it. Well all four got kicked out of school for good. True story.
When I was a young lad, less than a toddlers age, I would consume the brown delectables commonly known to the public as poopies. I believe it I thought it was the yum yums from the cocoa plant also known as chocolate. I have not done it recently, but I should.
Two of my naughty girlfriends and I went out to a picnic one Friday evening and ate so much I thought we were going to pop! As it was, the following morning, we all woke around 3:00 AM to the sound of a heavy down pouring rain, so we had breakfast, and then we sat on the back porch and had coffee.
It was about the third cup when one of my girlfriends stood up, she then turned facing away from us and stuck out her nicely rounded butt, I have to say that she looked really nice in those light colored lycra shorts, and I could even tell that she had on French Cut panties, as I could see the panty lines. Looking back at us, she then spread her feet apart some and asked us if anyone of us would like to dare her to go poo poo in her panties and shorts. One other the others spoke up and told her that she does, they told me that they ve done it before, and I might enjoy it.
Well, I informed my friends that I have seen things like that on the Internet, and that I have wanted to check it out some time, so much in fact that I had filled my own panties in the shower once. I told them that it felt kind of good, but I wanted to see another woman do it.
They were rather overjoyed that I told them that, in as much as to invite me to stand beside the other one standing there. So I took their off up and stepped up beside her. The one standing there told me that she will do it first, and then I can. She also told me that she would like to feel the load in my panties, once I load them, asking me if I would do the same?
I smiled and told them; Look, I would like to get really nasty! I want to play in the mess with my hands, and maybe even smear it on my tits!
So the poo poo party began. We filled our panties, then the other two did to. I got an old blanket and laid it on the floor, and once we were all messy in the panties, we had kind of a poo poo orgy. If any of you gals want to write me, maybe we can swap stories, as that was my first encounter. I have had many more, ever since.
A good one for your revenge. My boyfriend and I went to this wedding, we didn't really like the people, and are only like you know nice to each others face. Anyways my boyfriend took one of the disposable cameras they have on the tables at the reception. Went into the bathroom, pulled down his pants.then started pooping and took a pictures of it coming out of his butt. They were so mad when they got the pictures developed!
The Printing Press
This is a fun one. I'm sure we've all had the experience of mega-wiping. You know you're in for one when you wipe and there's a lot of dark brown showing on the 1st TP wipe, you wipe again and it looks much like the first. This can continue for ten or more wipes until you run out of "ink". The toilet paper piles up in the bowl so I usually elect to flush it down before wiping some more. A double flush just from the wiping.
Dave,
I watched a short segment on a TV program a few months ago. They highlighted a waste water treatment facility. Solid waste was placed in large outdoor drying chambers to help break down bacteria (I think) after it is separated from "gray water". What was cool was that tomato plants on occasion thrive in there new environment. The host stated that the seeds had passed through the human digestive track and pooped (I used the word loosely) through their treatment plant only to germinated and grow quite energetically. He plucked a tomato for the camera man but he declined. In you experience do you know of or can you collaborate such tomato poop tenacity?
Thanks and keep up the good scoop!
My poop has the right to exist and no one has the authority to dismiss that right.
Dean
"Torque a moonfish?" LOL! I thought I'd heard them all! That ranks right up there with "cranking rope."
My name is Javito. I am twenty two, and I lives in Mexico, by the oceans. Enjoy water and fresh air. Some days ago, I go to markets for fresh foods. Very hungry, so I first buy big lunch and had a Jalopo Special with big 'Wala' chili on the side. Very tasty and so delicious. Then after, I buy lots and lots of fruits and tomatoes, and greens for salada. I let a big fart out in front of exit of markets, and woman and old man waving hands in front of faces. I not hold farts even if people hear or smell. Mother told me unhealthy to hold them, so I fart.
I took longer ways home to my house, which is almost one hours away by foot. Felt very unwell. After a while, I began to fart a lot and was cramped. Fart after fart, I could not stop. So, I tried to hurry to my home, and poo there. But I could not walk anymore. I live about two miles from town, and walk through countryside where I live. I went down a long slope beside road, and it was steep enough to hide. I dropped my pants, and then I released a enormous pile of soft, wet slop from my butt. It smelled so bad, but felt so good, and I let out a big sigh and then let out some more poo.
After about two minutes of making poo, I wiped with some leaves near bush, and then walked home. Then I made saladas for my brother and cousin when they come to my house at noon to use internet and play soccer in my backyard. I almost forget about pooing in countryside near my house. Later on, I was going to beach that is a short walk away from home. Had to go down the same road for a bit, and then turn down another road.
Well, I decided to go down the slope beside the road, and cut across fields so I get to beach quicker. As I went down slope, it was very steep, and my feet slipped in sands going down. I could not stop, and in a moment, I almost forgot about where I poo: at bototm of the slope! I could see it coming, and still could not keep balance as I lost my footing going down, falling in the poo that I made hours earlier
Hey guys,
I found your web site quite by accident, and I thought you might enjoy hearing my story. I am the Public Information Officer for the Volusia County Sheriff's Department in Volusia County, FL. One day, I was bored silly and decided to Google myself. The results were quite an eye-opener, as I learned that as chief spokesperson for the Sheriff's Department, my written and spoken words have ended up in mighty strange and unintended places -- including your web site.
I decided to write a personal column about this strange occurrence, which I titled "Confessions of a PIO" and printed on the front page of the March 2004 issue of the Department newsletter published by my office. The column is also posted on our web site as well. For your convenience, I've attached a link that will bring you to the newsletter. Happy reading!
Gary Davidson
it's sometimes hard to know where to post something, as there are as many sections on this site as there are turd shapes. but here is an interesting link i found anyway:
http://www.teamfishcake.co.uk/downloadingcrap/
Dave,
I think you'll dig The Onanist. This issue we have an excretory theme. Jennie Dorris' piece -- "My Artistic Excrement" -- includes a link to the Poop Report. We were hoping you could give us a plug. Thanks.
Jason
Dave,
I found this site a month ago and am in awe of it's contenet! This site (believe it or not) has become my refuge from my daily corporate existance.
I will be buying the book for the members of my fam for Christmas (the one's that think poop is funny)
Thanks for doing this!
Doug
If you have been receiving the "poop report" unsolicited, will you please respond to this email?
If you are the sender of the "poop report", security is on to you and you will soon be apprehended.
TO: Juliet Thompson If you want to unsubscribe, all you have to do is ask... we're all civilized human beings here, aren't we?
dave
TO: Dave I shouldn't have had to ask in the first place. You've already shown your level of civility. How did you get into my inbox and start sending out messages to all my friends, contacts etc.?
TO: Juliet Thompson I didn't do anything of the sort. I sent you a copy of my newsletter yesterday which, to my knowledge, you signed up for. That's it. If strange things are happening beyond receiving a newsletter about poop humor, then it sounds like you have a virus.
Dave
TO: Dave I imagine it was one of your subscribers from ***** University who did the inbox damage then signed me up.
Please unsubscribe.
TO: Juliet Thompson i think that's a fairly ignorant accusation. A much more plausable explanation is that you have a virus that is mucking with your inbox. When you get off the phone with "security", you may want to give a call to tech support.
Regardless, I assure you, I have unsubscribed you from my newsletter.
Dave
TO: Dave Sorry, but you have no information nor a place to stand on to be talking about ignorance. I understand why you feel defensive. You're standing on really shaky ground. Why don't you go live in the third world for a few years where there are few toilets, and help build latrines. You could ideate all you want on your favorite subject, and do the world a favor at the same time.
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