The Colostomy Bag: Mail From Readers

TO: Dave
FROM: Kamal
DATE: 6.9.2003
SUBJECT: Hi dave, I would like to...**
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Hi dave! Like my subject line? It leaves people hanging on the edge wandering what will this guy say next. So I'd like to know whether you could suggest anyone to hook up with! You know, to go out on a date with. I thought why not ask you because I know the answers I get will be out of the ordenery and well, those of a stupid nature who call themselves "normal people" wouldn't be asking someone from poopreport.com for advice.

So how about it? Oh before I go, don't be afraid because I just like to write scary stuf in my subject lines!!!

TO: Dave
FROM: Doniker
DATE: 6.5.2003
SUBJECT: Happy Anniversary
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So tomorrow, June 6, is the 2 year anniversary of my first appearance on PR (Modest Proposal to Corporate Restructuring).

Strangely enough, tomorrow June 6th is also the "30 years in business" anniversary of this company I work for.

so tomorrow afternoon when I am here at work, chowing down on free pizza & cake at our anniversary party I will raise my plastic cup of Pepsi and toast PR, as everyone else toasts the company.

Cheers....doniker

TO: Dave
FROM: Grateful Mom
DATE: 5.28.2003
SUBJECT: Thank you!
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i know you may find this hard to believe, but you just eased my mind tremendously about our daughter's "poop situation." beginning yesterday about 5p.m. our daughter began having bright green dirty diapers. she has had four in a 24 hour period and i (being an over paranoid mom) have contacted everyone i know, including our pediatrician, and no one had any answers other than it will probably go away. that response just does not cut it with me. i had to have answers. i have been on-line non-stop trying to dig up a possible answer. i told our doctor that the only new food or drink she had consumed was "purple kool-aid" and lots of it. he told me that purple kool aid would not produce green stool. after reading your article i realize it can. thank you soooo much. after hours of searching and worrying, i am off to bed.

grateful mom

TO: Dave
FROM: pOoPmAn5000
DATE: 5.22.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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ok, this is not a story that happened to me, acyally it was my brother, now lets just start off that my brother is a big person, no we were at a wedding, and there was alot of food, and me and my bro are big eaters, now getting into the middle of the reception sorry, it wasnt during the wedding, we ate a good portion, now like i said around the middle of the reception, i went to take a poop, now i think poop is so funny, this poop was alright u know had the regular stuff, a rating of like a 6, now my brother came in around when i left, and he was in there for along time, and i was wondering what was going on, so, he came out like 45 mins later, and had the biggest smile on his face, so we all asked him whats are you laughing at, and he told us to go into the bathroom and find out, so we did, and right as i got to the door i smelled it, so i walked in, the door was open where he took the poop, and i could see the poop 10 feet away as i walked in, this was the log, of all mothers of logs, it had to be atleast 2 feet long, and like 10 inches wide, and it was in that toliet sticking out, this massive poop, had the biggest curl, thats why i couls see the poop when i walked in, and me and my cousins were laughing so hard, then my uncles came in, and started laughing, i think someone took a picture of it too,

o i also forgot this poop was in there so bad it wouldnt flush, we tried and tried, this thing wouldnt go down, it was, just HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!, so later my uncle saw 2 janitors coe in to take care of the poop, and they started laughing too, but when they had to pick it up, then they werent laughing any more, so that is my poop wedding story, about my brother.

TO: Dave
FROM: pOoPmAn5000
DATE: 5.27.2003
SUBJECT: hey, y didny u put up my poop story yet
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hey i was the WEDDING POOP, guy, and i see that you did not put my story out for the american people to see

TO: Dave
FROM: pOoPmAn5000
DATE: 5.29.2003
SUBJECT: re: hey, y didny u put up my poop story yet
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ok you know what, dont put the stry down ill find a different poop site that can tell stories, because my story is better than teh "HANGIN TOUGH" guys, mine is a clasic and is real, i bet those guys are winny little fags sitting at there computer, thinking of stories to type on your website, ill take my poop else where

TO: Dave
FROM: The Gumby
DATE: 5.30.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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Let me take you back. I was in kindergarten. It was naptime. I could feel a rock-hard turd forming in the deep crevices of my anus, almost like a rigid stalactite hanging from the depths of my bowels. For some inexplicable reason, I had decided I would not use the bathroom, which was actually but a mere 30 feet away, connected to the main classroom. So there I remained, wiggling and squirming on a mat meant for somersaults in gym class. My butt was firmly clenched so to prevent any sudden spurts of feces, but I fear all it did was tenderize the brown meat, which eagerly anticipated its exit, sphincter willing.

When I felt the tip of the iceberg begin to protrude, I lost all hope. An explosion was inevitable. So I simply let it flow. My anus sputtered and spat out the dirty elixir. I remained motionless. The excretion was silent. I had successfully defecated without adhering to the rules of the modern world, which dictated I use a toilet.

Following naptime, though, I was screwed.

We returned to our seats to carry on with our studies. I reluctantly sat down, feeling the warm mass squish and squiggle as it pressed up against my butt and thighs. Much to my chagrin, another student in the class [not to mention a girl I was particularly fond of], noticed the stench emanating from my occupied section of the room. She alerted the teacher at once, who walked around all of our seats, sniffing our quivering asses in hopes of finding the culprit. Upon arriving at my desk, it waspainfully obvious I was the child at fault.

Standing up, the bits of feces which clung to my butt and legs fell to my feet as she rushed me to the bathroom and tore off my pants, letting all the contents of my underpants pour into the toilet. For the rest of the day I was forced to wear oversized sweatpants while carrying my dirtied clothes in a clear plastic bag, for all the school to see. It turned out I had a fever of 103, but I still don't see why I was so opposed to using the bathroom.

TO: Dave
FROM: poopmyster
DATE: 5.30.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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one time i pooped on a tree and it smelled good.and then a squirel came and licked it. and i laughed with joy. and then it punched me in the butt cuz it found out it was poo and not a peanut.and then i said hey it's not my fault you have a poopy mind. and so then it said ok your right i forgive you. :) ok and thats the end!

TO: Dave
FROM: Gwendalla
DATE: 5.25.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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I was sitting on the couch when I felt a bubble come down to my croch. I ran up stairs I bursted out with pooh. It was hot, stinky and made me grunt. When I was done. I was burning bad. I had to go again, so I went up to the toliet one more time, and when I wanted to pooh, It wouldn't come out cause it felt like Acid burned the hole shut. So I grunted and strained it out. So then it came out and it was bad, it burned the but like...bad! So thats my story and if anyone has that kind of an experience, thats cool! Okay, wow!

TO: Dave
FROM: Matt Lukens
DATE: 5.24.2003
SUBJECT: I love my poop!
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Hey Dave, I've got a story for you.

It was one day during school and everyone was at lunch but I went off and did my own thing in the bathrooms. I had asked a teacher if I could leave the lunch room and head to do my business, she signed my pass and off I went. When I entered the bathroom I heard the loudest shitty fart ever! Trying to hold in my giggles I tryed to identify the shoes of the mystery fart man. Instandly I formed a plan to catch the mystery person. I ran outside the bathroom and hid around the corner awaiting the farter. Two minutes later out walked my science teacher Mr.Koba. I was so shocked at who I had found I ran out from behind thee corner and cornerd him. I told him I was in the bathroom and that I had herd his enoumuos shit sound. He was really embarissed. And even today he can't call or talk to me in class.

TO: Dave
FROM: Teddy Bear
DATE: 5.24.2003
SUBJECT: for the blog
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Hey you lovely ladies out there! If your into having a guy watch you poop & watching him do the same, let's hook up. I'm from Bellingham WA. Email me at bobaloo4cool@peoplepc.com. Hope to hear from ya!

TO: Dave
FROM: lex-bex(*) Penner
DATE: 5.28.2003
SUBJECT: [no subject]
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POOPING IS FUUUN yeha it is very helpingfull of ness.sometimes i take a shit that is 500 feet long. it makes me feel good. but some times they are come ing out in terds!

thank you for your time.

go yugioh!

-a shameless shitt

TO: Dave
FROM: BlackShoesWhiteSocks
DATE: 5.29.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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Frankie guglitatta was my best friend and we got in uncounted hyjinx in school. One time we left school during the day, hitchiked to a large hotel, and went swimming in their pool instead of going to class. We got a lot of stares but we had a lot of fun.

Another time, we we caught at the mall by a teacher during school hours and when we got back to school were called down to the principals office and made to wear gum on our noses through the whole day after that.

One of our favorite tricks was to go to the mall on the second floor and spit down on people entering the doors. This was awful, and i still feel guilty about it.

The ultimate trick was to see if we could make the most disgusting vehicle ever based on the number of flies and bugs hovering over it. We wiped old cat food, poopy, puke, and fifteen jars of peanut butter over the length of his 1974 pacer and let it bake out in the sun for a while. Then we drove it to school and waited for the fur to fly.

Sure enough, the principal came over the loudspeaker "will frankie g### make his way to the principals office immediately"

Apparently someone had called the fire department because there were billions of bugs hovering over the school lot and several girls had gotten bit by them. Also some racoons had made the way out of the woods looking to chow down drawn by the awful smell.

Buzzards were circling and it caused a giant stir. There even was an article in the newspaper the next week about a health risk.

Many students hated us because their parents refused to let them drive to school after that.

TO: Dave
FROM: Duper
DATE: 5.30.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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Once upon a time during my teens (the later 60's), cousin Steve came over for on a Sunday to visit. Steve is 9 months older than me and shares our family's various carnal perversions.

I lived out in the semi-country suburbs in eastern mid Michigan. Across the street from our driveway was a paved road (Marlea Lane) that lead to a waste treatment plant (which used to provide endless deficafantacies for me). Along this path of glory stood two buildings housing tool & die companies. A third was in the process of construction.

Steve and I decided to investigate the newest commercial erection. The first floor was mostly complete, so we climbed a ladder to the second floor, currently in developmental process.

After stumbling around tools and supplies lying scattered about the floor, I suddenly felt the undeniable and compelling demand to give rectal birth to what felt like overweight quintuplets. Looking around through a vision of deviant sociopathy, I spied a giant, economy-sized coffee can sitting on the floor next to a hammer. Drawn to the prospect of social inappropriateness, I quickly strode over to the can and, looking inside, discovered it filled halfway with shiny new nails.

This was all the encouragement I required. Dropping my drawers, I hung my poopshoot over the can and let loose with a massive load that seemed to make time slow down before my eyes. It curled inside the can, following the circumference in smaller and smaller ringlets like a cone of chocolate soft ice cream. The final product was a solid conical temple that any king of Egypt would have been proud to be resurrected from.

When I was finished I called Steve over to behold the fecal artifact, and we both laughed uncontrollably! I had hysterical visions of workers returning to the job the next morning and, failing to take appropriate notice, plunge their hand into the alien life form, screaming in horron as it quickly devoured their flesh.

I can only hope they weren't paying too much attention that following Monday morning!

TO: Dave
FROM: me_buttcrack_itches_u_scratch_it@yahoo.com
DATE: 6.7.2003
SUBJECT: for the blog
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Well, I was experimenting with foods on my new dog, Bullet. I thought maybe these little chocolate candies would be cool, so I gave him some. Turns out, they were those laxative candies. Ooops! And to make things worse, I was having a bar-b-q at my house that night. Well, the laxatives kicked in and the dog sprayed liquid crap all over the place! Some landed in this guys Coke, and HE DRANK IT!! The dog's runny mess got in EVERYONE'S hair!! The only funny part was my friend slipped in it and fell while running to the bathroom. WHen he did, he FARTED! Well, everyone's suing, and I'm NEVER having another bar-b-q. And by the way, tonight I'm eating hot dogs.....

TO: Dave
FROM: poopstar
DATE: 6.3.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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One day at school, I got off the bus and it was a really bumpy ride. I guess I hadn't wiped good enough that morning cuz when we got to school there was this huge turd in my pants. It was making me sick just from the fumes from it. I went to the nurse cuz I wasn't feeling well. I went into the bathroom and lowered my pants. Ew God it was disgusting. There was shit smeared all over my underwear. I took a toilet paper wad and wiped my underwear as clean as I could. I tried to clean my ass too but oh it was chafing so bad I could hardly walk. I almost clogged the toilet with all the toilet paper I used. When i got back to my class all of the kids were commenting on how bad I smelled. I wanted to cry. When I got home, the first thing I did was wipe my ass and take a shower. Now I never poop in the morning on school days cuz I don't wipe good enough and the shit gets all over my ass.

TO: Dave
FROM: kamal
DATE: 6.10.2003
SUBJECT: Yow man, I guess I didn't write enough to explain what I mean!.
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Hi! I guess my spirits were high and therefore anything I write during such times doesn't make a lot of sence at all. I don't know, maybe it was meant to be like that and sometimes when my spirits are low, I usually write things I don't mean to write anyway. Yeah, what I meant was this. There are a lot of mach making services around now but non of them appeal to me because most of thepeople there are too prood. I'm looking for someone but why not ask here because I know I'd learn something from you guys.

What I meant by "normal people" not doing what I'm doing is this. Society in general is usually straight lased people with boring lives, boring jobs and boring personalities. Now most people in that catagory would not even consider doing anything outragious or asking someone from a group out of the ordenery to spice up their lives because they would not be able to benifit from it. That's what I meant by "normal people" not asking someone from a site such as this and many others that are out there to make their lives more as they should be.

I know it's hard to understand but I believe that it's better to be outragious than to be dull. I also don't agree with what society imposes on us and I guess I want to meet someone who isn't like what I've described above. So how about something crazy and more importantly how about making the world a happyer place to live in.

Oh yeah my subject lines. I always Email all my friends and all the websites or groups I've joined and usually my subject line would consist of something like "Hi! I'd like to...*" or "I wish to..." and more offen than not, it puts people on edge because they never know what's coming next. I believe that when you're writing something, it must be interesting and it must capture people's atention. Sometimes those lines are scary because people think that bad news might come their way. The world is a stage and we are actors in a big play which never ends. So when you get a subject line like that, think of it as you would think of a film with a very emotive scene coming up.

Oh yeah before I go, have you got any wav files of toilets, poop or what ever else associated with that kind of thing? I've lost my wav files and can't find anything on the net. S thanks for reading and if you don't understand what I'm talking about, please Email me and I'll try to simplify my words. I've never been able to speak or write clearly as English is my second language, Malay is my first language.