TO: Dave
FROM: Doug White
DATE: 4.1.02004
SUBJECT: The site
==============================
Dave,
I found this site a month ago and am in awe of it's contenet! This site (believe it or not) has become my refuge from my daily corporate existance.
I will be buying the book for the members of my fam for Christmas (the one's that think poop is funny)
Thanks for doing this!
Doug
TO: Dave
FROM: Donna
DATE: 4.2.02004
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================
Poop can look like it has corn in it. It really does have corn in it. Your poop can also be green like money. If you ate salad your poop will be green like money.
TO: Dave
FROM: jess
DATE: 4.3.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
my brother was taking a nice loooong poop, and its seriously like 18 inches long and like thick as a mother.. so he calls me into the bathroom to check it out and it was huge. He mustve lossed atleast 4 lbs. on that one. It was awesome. So we flush it down the toilet and like the laws of gravity were broken and the poop tied itself into a not, totally clogging the toilet. Amazing poop.
TO: Dave
FROM: Muppet187
DATE: 4.10.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
It was a hot summer day and I just came back to my apartment building. I pushed the button 302 and waited for an answer. Great no one was home! On top of all that I forgot my keys... I waited untill someone opend the entrance door and I sat infront of my door waiting for my mom to comeback from work, which should be any time soon I thought... I was relaxing and all of a sudden I had the urge to take a shit. This was a dierhea for sure, I thought to myself! I tryed to hold it I really did but I knew I would explode.
I ran 2 floors down to the main floor ready to unload into the washing machine and whiping my ass with someones laundry. I ran in but my landlord was in there with his back turned, he did not see me but I turned around and ran. I knew I could no longer hold it in so I pulled my pants down and shitted under the stairs! Luckily my mom came back 2 minutes after I was finished to open the house door for me. About 30 minutes later the landlord went around asking people is they had seen who shitted under the stairs and no one knew. Untill today...
And now I leave you with a great quote "When you gotta go, YOU GOTTA GO"!
TO: Dave
FROM: harald kenith bertegg
DATE: 4.8.02004
SUBJECT: {no subject}
==============================
Once after doing a turd, I looked down the toilet to inspect what i had done because I enjoy seeing the shapes and colours. But there was a huge dead slug down there it was grose!! It must have been hiding up there for ages!!
TO: Dave
FROM: john
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: eternal debates
==============================
After i wipe i like to look at it to check for blood especially if its a very large hard turd. If there is corn or nuts in it then i like to pretend it it the titanic or possiden and the corn or nuts are the passengers of the sinking ship caught in a whirl pool about too drown and taken down to poopy jones locker.
is this normal to have fun in the toilet? is this the true meaning of toilet games?
just wandering
TO: Dave
FROM: Tom W.
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| Poop For Peace
==============================
Great. Somehow, you take a funny site and turn it to your own political agendas. You guys just don't get it. You are a disgrace to poopists everywhere.
Take me off of your list now.
-Tom
Hurt, your apolitical moderator responds:
TO: Tom W.
FROM: Dave
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| Poop For Peace
==============================
what is my political agenda? this has nothing to do with current events. this is about the long term. it's non-partisan... it says so.
dave
Mr. I-Expose-Liberal-Bias shoots back:
TO: Dave
FROM: Tom W.
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| Poop For Peace
==============================
No political agenda? It's in the first paragraph.
Snippet from your site:
April 16: Poop For Peace Day
Posted 4.7.02004 by Dave
The east hates the west. The Christians hate the Muslims. The liberals hate the conservatives. After a year of fighting in Iraq, the only tangible result is that the chasm dividing humanity is even deeper. In a war of aggression versus terrorism, the distinction of who is perpetrating which depends on what side you ask -- so divided are we as a species that we can't even agree why we're killing each other.
Here I come with my zinger:
TO: Tom W.
FROM: Dave
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| Poop For Peace
==============================
If you read beyond the first paragraph, you might discover the point:
"Poop For Peace Day is not a day of protest. Pooping for peace is not a left-wing or right-wing activity. Pooping for peace is an act of unity. It's not about religion or politics. Rather, it's about the simple truth: underlying our religions and our politics are universal needs, wants and desires. To poop for peace is to transcend arbitrary divisions and embrace that which makes us human."
How is not wanting to see people die a political agenda?
Dave
Does this mean I win?
TO: Dave
FROM: Tom W.
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| Poop For Peace
==============================
Dave,
I make it a point not to argue with people over the Internet. Therefore, this argument is over.
Please remove me from your list.
Thank you.
-Tom
TO: Dave
FROM: Raving Idiot
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: eternal debates
==============================
Does anybody else find shitting of any kind to be unpleasurable? Sometimes it's amazing what one can push out their ass. Unfortunately for me, in any form it takes me at least 10 or 20 minutes to complete, and muscle action certainly gets bothersome after a while.
Nice site, btw. I'm glad to see that unlike the subject of this site, the humor is not shit. (And feel free to move this to the right section if it's not in the right one)
TO: Dave
FROM: Daria
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: Doo Doo Dude
==============================
Some serious shit , isn't it. I was raised on a farm and enjoyed a real variety of poop which helps me to live in a world with an even greater variety of poopers.
Toilet Tolerance what a humane way to get to the real tissue er.. issues. May your little msg. with a great big fart .......uh oh!.... that should read Heart (considering the need for us all to recognize we all share the same big outhouse), enlighten us all who are living and pooping all over our lovely planet. Peace Dave, from Daria (or as she has been teased all her lifelong, Diarrhea) in Mississauga
TO: Dave
FROM: Timmy
DATE: 4.13.02004
SUBJECT: unsubscribe
==============================
I have to say, as a war correspondant I find this a bit offensive in it's triviality. I have sense of humour (despite what I've seen) and as an Englishman that extends into toilet gags. This is not funny. I can only presume from your insensitivity that you are an american. my advice is to stop. please. concentrate on evicting Bush.
TO: Dave
FROM: Anthony
DATE: 4.16.02004
SUBJECT: The Final Wipe vs. Sphincterine
==============================
Dave,
The Final Wipe [tm] is a hypo-allergenic cleansing cloth that cleans, refreshes, and sanitizes better than any dry toilet paper can. It's individually wrapped for convenience and can be used as a toilet paper replacer or supplement.
Using The Final Wipe is a way for us to say that our current methods of wiping are primitive and out dated. They don't meet the standards we set for washing or cleaning other parts of our bodies (hands, face, hair) yet it's the only area that actually comes in contact with one of the stinkiest and most feared substances that our bodies produce. The Final Wipe sets a new standard for wiping and leaves us feeling clean, fresh, and confident.
Let me know if you'd like some samples or have any questions. Thanks, Anthony.
The Final Wipe
www.finalwipe.com
TO: Dave
FROM: Dggfizzle
DATE: 4.16.02004
SUBJECT: {no subject}
==============================
well....i aucually just pooped right now am i am sitting on it, it is squashing against my butt cracks, and another turtle heead is popping out. This isnt the first time this has happened eaither.
TO: Dave
FROM: Professor Lump
DATE: 4.16.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
Dave. Don't know what section to submit this link. Just a funny pic from a San Diego beach.
TO: Dave
FROM: Evan
DATE: 4.19.02004
SUBJECT: question
==============================
Hi Dave-
Love your site. I'm working on a new TV show for the Bravo network and considering your expertise, I have a question regarding some research I'm doing for an upcoming episode:
I'm looking for recipes to make your own dog poop. Not the plastic phony kind, but something that looks and feels real, although; doesn't have to smell real. I guess it doesn't specifically have to be 'dog' per se, but animal looking poop in general. Any thoughts?
Best regards,
Evan
Excitedly, I type back:
TO: Evan
FROM: Dave
DATE: 4.19.02004
SUBJECT: Re: question
==============================
Hi Evan,
One of my PoopReporters had the same question a few months ago. Here is what she came up with:
======
But here's the scoop on the poop: we ended up buying a box of Little Debbie brownies and three peanut butter Powerbars (thanks for the suggestion, Pooperscooper!). We stacked the Powerbars on top of each other and, as recommended, nuked them for about 20 seconds - until they softened, but not long enough that they melted. People, this is very authentic looking shit-building material: it's a nice light brown with a tinge of orange, and the peanuts give it a grainy appearance.
After the nuking began the molding process. At first I tried to sculpt a turd like I would a clay snake - you know, rolling it between my hands. This worked OK, but on the whole produced a turd too smooth and plastic looking - I was having difficulty achieving that marbled, ridged, bumpy look that real poo has. Then I hit upon the idea of actually rolling a bunch of little pieces into balls and mushing them all together. Thus I ended up deconstructing the turd I'd just rolled and starting afresh with the mushed marble method (MMM). This ended up working very well.
With the brownies it was more difficult to use the marble method, because they were not as moist and sticky as the Powerbars. Here, using my hands, I just squeezed one of the brownies into a turd shape, and because I was working with a dryer material the marbled effect kind of naturally ensued. I also picked out the nutty sprinkles, because they were too reminiscent of the original brownie. Didn't look realistic at all.
Placed side by side on a plate, our creations very much resembled a large, healthy, fresh and fibrous steamer and a hard, wizened, dessicated piece of constipation. As for the pee - my parents didn't have any food coloring in the house, so we had to improvise using white wine and apple cider vinegar. I got my sister to pee in an empty coke bottle as a way to model the target shade of yellow.
After we were finished with these productions, we set out onto the living room coffee table both plate o' poo and chalice o' piss. I would say that our parents were moderately amused and not too surprised by our antics. And because I woke up before my sister on Christmas day, I ate the brownie turd for breakfast and then, when she got up and came into the living room, I told her that it was already gone when I first saw the plate in the morning.
=====
Here are some pictures of the results:
http://www.poopreport.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=1961
Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes -- I can probably find some other recipies if you need them.
What show is this for? Some bizarro Queer Eye episode?
I'm always here to help,
Dave
PoopReport
Thus, PoopReport contributes to American culture:
TO: Dave
FROM: Evan
DATE: 4.19.02004
SUBJECT: Re: question
==============================
Thanks Dave.
I might give this recipe a shot.
What do you know about a product called, "Instant Smelly Shit"? It comes in a sort of foam dispenser and according to the picture, looks and smells a lot like the "real thing". Here's a link to it...
Have you guys done a feature on the best fake poop that's out there? I went to one of the largest magic/prop suppliers in Manhattan today and the selection was putrid. But not in a good way, the stuff they had was crap. Plastic and totally unbelievable. When I asked one of the sales clerks if he had anything more lifelike he said I should try wetting one of the plastic ones. Great.
And since you were curious, all this is for a new show on Bravo called, "Things I Hate About You". It's about couples in long-term relationships and the pet peeves they have for each other. During the course of the show, they set out to prove who's the morning annoying of the pair. It's going to premiere in the summer.
Thanks again for you help,
Evan
TO: Dave
FROM: MBH7311
DATE: 4.22.02004
SUBJECT: I THOUGHT POOPING TOO MUCH WAS FROM THE BEER UNTIL...........
==============================
BEER GAVE ME THE BEER SHITS/BUD MUD OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL. IT. I WENT 26 YEARS OF BEING UNDIAGNOSED BY DOCTORS AFTER COMPLAINED ON IRRITABLE BOWEL SYMPTOMS. IT TURNS OUT IT WASN'T IBS. IT WAS SIMPLY BEING ALLERGIC TO GLUTEN (WHEAT PRODUCTS). EVERYONE SHOULD BE TESTED FOR IT. DON'T BE LIKE ME AND LONG TERM HEALTH PROBLEMS FROM BEING MIS/UNDIAGNOSED.... YOU ARE PRONE TO CERTAIN CANCERS AND WILL GET IT IF YOU DO NOT ADDRESS THE ISSUE. ITS NO JOKE. PLEASE MAKE PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS PROBLEM. ITS A SIMPLE TEST. MOST PEOPLE GO THROUGH THEIR LIVES WITHOUT BEING TESTED OR IT AND THEY HAD IT ALL ALONG. ITS A SERIOUS ISSUE.
THANKS
TO: Dave
FROM: Jill
DATE: 4.22.02004
SUBJECT: Hi. I drew a cartoon that I wanted to share with POOP Report
==============================
TO: Dave
FROM: ZACK
DATE: 4.23.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
for about three days i had had a terrible pain in my stomach i tried to crap continuosly but nothing would come outjust methane gas and then on te 3rd day i gave it one last desperate attempt. i pushed once...nothing. again...nothing. once more and again nothing. then on the fourth and final try, i felt it slide, the slowness and perfection of that slide was breathtaking. all of a sudden....BOOM!! shot like a cannon followed by 2 or three much smaller projectiles. as i was rising and pulling my shorts back on, i looked down into the toilet, and saw... a doubled over chocolate surprise. i had one stuck in there sideways
TO: Dave
FROM: Chuck P
DATE: 4.21.02004
SUBJECT: Ryan's Steakhouse story
==============================
Just finished reading the venerable classic again (stumbled across it at shtick.org/misc/ryans.htm), and I have to say that it still holds up as one of the gold standards for poop reporting, especially the description of The Move. It should be required reading for anyone considering submitting their own composition to PR. How old is this story, anyway? I have a feeling that it predates the birth of poop reporting as a journalistic genre, as defined by PR.
I found PR about six months ago (I wish I could remember how) and I love it - it's the first thing I check in the morning, after my e-mail.
Well, that's an idea. After some searching...
TO: Steve Crisp
FROM: Dave
DATE: 4.21.02004
SUBJECT: did you write ryan's steakhouse?
==============================
An email from a reader (quoted below) gave me the idea to track you down. I run PoopReport.com ("For the Intellectual Appreciation of Poop Humor"). I can't tell you how many times the Ryan's Steakhouse story has come across my desk. It truly is a seminal piece of literature.
If this is you, I'd like your permission to reprint the story (I only publish stories submitted by the author) and make a big to-do about tracking you down. What do you think?
Well, how about this!
TO: Dave
FROM: Steve Crisp
DATE: 4.19.02004
SUBJECT: Re: did you write ryan's steakhouse?
==============================
Go for it. By the way, it is absolutely true and was originally written for alt.tasteless many years ago. Came in second place for the Tasteless True Story of the Year simply because a bunch of Kiwis stacked the deck in favor of one of their fellow sheep-fuckers.
I've gotten tens of thousands of emails over the years about it.
The original is located at http://www.ihos.com/steakhouse.html
Yours,
Steve Crisp
I reported my find to Chuck P., who says:
TO: Dave
FROM: Chuck P.
DATE: 4.19.02004
SUBJECT: FWD: Re: did you write ryan's steakhouse?
==============================
Kudos all around! To you, Dave, for contacting Mr. Crisp; to Steve, for his generous response to your e-mail; and of course to the Gorgonian tentacles of Google, which have allowed Mr. Crisp to finally receive his long overdue due (overdoodoo?) as a philosophical progenitor of PR (as unintended as that role may have been).
I believe Steve when he says that the incident occurred just as it was written, because it is precisely that sense of authenticity that comes through as you read his account: it just kind of puts you right there in the stall with him, so to speak, laughing along with him as he tries to explain his situation to his wife, and to the restaurant employees.
The best submissions to PR also have that same authentic feel to some degree - just ask PR's resident curmudgeon, Doniker, about those accounts that scream "FAKE!" from the second paragraph onward.
Once again, great job and keep up the good work, Dave.
TO: Dave
FROM: Mother Pixie
DATE: 4.22.02004
SUBJECT: your sons
==============================
Thank you for your advice. I called the posion control center last night, their health plan nurse center and their doctor and they both are fine. they all said that you cant get sick from your own feces. but maybe its something else. My one yr. is better now so if it was his or his brothers feces then maybe it just hit them then and now he is better again thank you very much.
TO: Dave
FROM: thequeenpooper
DATE: 4.24.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I was talking on the phone to a close friend and i then started getting that feeling. You, no the one, the one when you know you gotta got but its not gunna be easy. Now being 12,( i still am) i thought o it would be embarrassing to say"hang on i need to go crap." so i stayed on the phone, doing my best to keep up the conversation. Finally it was um berable, i had to go. i was in my room so making another idiotic mistake i thought, ok ill just go on some tissues to i don't have to get of the phone.bad idea. i missed the TP and hit white carpet. panicing about what my mom would say, i started scrubbing it with more tissues.
Now being so scared i still had my pants down, which caused another log. great, now im in for it. i finally hung up saying" oh crap i spilled some cranberry juice gotta go bye!" and hung up. i washed out the stain which made it a little better, but still noticable i finally had to wash it out with water. But, i did successfully do it without anyone knowing but me and my two unexpected vistors, but i do still have 2 small stains to remind me.
TO: Dave
FROM: FartingMan
DATE: 4.26.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
Once I was staying in a hotel in Longmont Colorado I went to a restarunt and ate Trout with Garlic Butter on it. Nothing happened for a few days until I got home and all of a sudden I had to crap. I ran to the toilet with at least 1000 pounds pushing on my asshole. Once I sat down the 3 week torture began. It burned my ass so bad it was itchy for 3 months and it smelled like dead fish that have been sitting in a lake for a year. It smelled so bad I had to put a trash can in front of me 'cause I puked.
About a week after it started I went outside for once (almost all of the past week was spent on the Toilet) and I sat in a chair and i had to fart but it wasnt a fart. It was a small wave of shit and i thought "damn i thouhat this was over" as i walked to the bathroom. It smelled the same and i puked again. It was the worst experience in my life, but hell at least its over. I will never eat garlic again in my life.
TO: Dave
FROM: FartingMan
DATE: 4.26.02004
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
On my sixth grade eco ed trip some crazy shit happened. On the hike on the second day we were equipped with a lunch and nothing else. When it was time to eat I was happy. I had a sandwich, a drink, and a bag of chips. The sandwich was the radiation threat though i didnt know it. On the way down from the summit I felt something brew up and it was bad news because i knew it would be diarrhea and there wasnt an outhouse for miles. I asked the hike leader if i could go #2 off the trail somewhere so i did it. It was awful. I dug a hole and filled it all the way with terrible smelling yellow shit. It was only one wave of poo luckily but it was still horrible enough. I wouldn't eat a cheese sandwich from Pingree Park if my life depended on it.
TO: Dave
FROM: MARTHA
DATE: 4.26.02004
SUBJECT: Reciprocal links
==============================
My site is related to dog poop; we can both benefit thru link exchange....OK?
Check out: www.petpaws.biz
TO: Dave
FROM: kat
DATE: 4.29.02004
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================
i like to smell my poop and i am a lesbian plz e-mail me gals who are interested :) nice stories
TO: Dave
FROM: Michelle O
DATE: 4.29.02004
SUBJECT: MetricsDirect Contextual Advertising
==============================
Hi, my name is Michelle and I am an Account Manager at MetricsDirect. I noticed that you advertise your site http://www.poopreport.com on the Overture search engine under the search term 'shit pantie'...
