TO: Dave
FROM: The Reaver
DATE: 6.3.02002
SUBJECT: greetings from the dictatortots
==============================
Hello, loved your page. Just thought you might like some of our concert photos; we specialize in potty humor, and generally have a smoking toilet on stage and a toilet paper gun.
Our web site: http://www.dictatortots.com/
Stage toilet (we used dry ice for this show):
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2000-07-27/aab
Photos of tp gun in action:
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2001-08-18/aac
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2001-08-18/aag
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2001-09-27/aad
That's the inflatable cock-in-your-pie in the second pic.
Our cellist, Bo Bender:
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2001-09-27/aab
These are bad scans, but they do show the giant tree our fans rolled at an outdoor show. One kid got some serious height, real pro stuff:
http://www.dictatortots.com/gallery/gig-2001-08-25
We also have a pneumatic cannon. We used to fill it with TP too, but decided that was overkill and now fill it with porn. It's very impressive.
Anyway, just my usual shameless propaganda. Keep up the good work.
BTW, for your tp report - it's not what I would wipe my ass with, but longest and is generally available. Kroger also has a 1250 sheet but it's not as easy to pick up at the last minute. We're going to try out "ShitBegone" brand soon; I believe it's 1000 sheet two-ply.
-- the Reaver
TO: Dave
FROM: rosco_oh_no
DATE: 6.3.02002
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================
This is not for #2, but #1. Ever play 7-11-Doubles? It's a dice drinking
game, in which much communal beer is consumed. In between rounds, excuse
yourself, announcing your need to a) pee and b) refill your beer. Hit the keg
first, swilling as much as you can on the way to the can. Do your dirty sinful
business into your cup (best to dilute it with some beer) and return to the
table, offering to fill the communal cup often. "I got this one guys!"
Caveat: This may get you beaten sensless and/or subject you to even worse
humiliations... oh, and don't forget not to drink from your cup again. On
second thought, it's not such a good prank to play, unless you don't mind
drinking your own pee. Some people don't...mind, that is.
TO: Dave
FROM: UnmarkedGrave
DATE: 6.14.2002
==============================
unmarkedgrave: hey dave i got a picture for you
unmarkedgrave: hold on
PoopReport: sweet
unmarkedgrave: i gotta scan it in
unmarkedgrave: i found it in a national Geographic
PoopReport: cool
PoopReport: what is it?
unmarkedgrave: you'll see
PoopReport: ok!
unmarkedgrave: comeon
unmarkedgrave: connect
unmarkedgrave: DAVE
unmarkedgrave: you connect
unmarkedgrave:
unmarkedgrave: check it out
unmarkedgrave: look at what the ladies have
PoopReport: nice!
PoopReport: haha
TO: Dave
FROM: Confused Me
DATE: 6.4.02002
SUBJECT: Chip beapooper
==============================
This is pretty quick on the fly.. Just some memory of mine..
I had a pager, it was (904) 232-7667 doesnt work anymore.. but when you called,
you heard "BEEEUHHPOOOOOP!" scream... heres my story..
The pager, I got rid of it 2 months ago. I had it for 6 years prior. Since
then I have gotten a cell phone, and will probably never go back. So anyhow,
when i had it, I have been on the internet forever. so when I found www.411.com
I found it has a phonetic number lookup.. well thats cool I thought.. so I put
it in.. 2327667 .. It spelled BEAPOOP
I thought.. Hrmm what could I,... How
could I use Be A Poop...and so, the idea was born (this is 2 years old mind
you) I registered www.beapoop.com there were few poop sites around at the time.
and a big insipiration, was www.doodie.com with that, This was my plan. I was
going to use my voicemail pager as a message taker, and then I would upload the
feedback on a website.
I set it up like this.. Poopers - Poopies - The
Monotonous Novel, and My email was "scream@beapoop.com" (doesnt work now) but I
thought the idea was great, my friends think i am a lunatic, and its just funny
coincident i keep finding myself on your site. is it fate? I do not know.. So
My plan was for ppl to call in (as poopers) they would speak about what they
have done wrong to someone/something and as (poopies) they would call in and
tell me what someone has had something negative/bad/mean done to them..(I dont
have the wording anymore..)
Those would be the 2 main things.. and then I would
have The monotonous Novel.. and that would be where someone would call in start
the story "Once apon a time..." and then I would post that. and just keep
updating the story, just as I would be updating the other messages to the board
in a wav format. I had about 2 minutes of talktime on the pagers voicemail. It
was perfect.. I had 2 different spectrums.. I had on one hand.. Jacksonville,
FL.. calling the #.. and just being stupid rednecks, or disgruntled workers,
bad kids in school etc... and on the other hand the ppl on the internet, would
be just playing it. They would have the chance to call in, but the locals would
have no idea where their voice was being played.
I wanted emotion in the
voice. I wanted different accents and drama. I had a few calls.. but no one
really got it.. it is very indepth.. there is more to it than I am
explaining.. but I am just giving you a little somewhat related poop story..
the main difference here, is that you made yours happen.. I sort of quit on
mine.. it still shows up in google's search engine.. but even the cached link
is empty. :( oh well.. ashes to ashes..
TO: Dave
FROM: Klaus Kinski
DATE: 6.5.02002
SUBJECT: roses are red contest
==============================
My dad is Doctor Lantana,
A proctologist from Alabama.
All over town,
His clients wear frowns,
'Cause his finger's as big as a bananna.
TO: Dave
FROM: Professor Lump
DATE: 6.5.02002
SUBJECT: re: poop story
==============================
I was in Yellowstone Park over Memorial Day and as I was sitting in front of Old Faithful I said to myself "I need a PR(poop report) flier for a PR (public relations) picture". God Damn it! I totally forgot to bring some with me. Then I got thinking. I missed opportunities at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar and with the Secret Service agents I met and partied with(on their off duty) in Jackson(Dick Cheney was in town at his home away from home).
I owe you some good PR pics with PR fliers. I will get. I am now motivated! !!!!!!
TO: Dave
FROM: Courtney
DATE: 6.6.02002
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I had to crap so bad one time.... I went in the ocean. Ahhhhh!
TO: Dave
FROM: Aisha4Real
DATE: 6.17.2002
==============================
AiShA4ReAl: my aunt had some food in portugal and when she when she went home to bed she slept with her dogs and she farted in the middle of the night and her dogs growled and ran away
AiShA4ReAl: lol
AiShA4ReAl: add that to your website
AiShA4ReAl: to shameless farter
AiShA4ReAl: call me midnight surprises
AiShA4ReAl: call it*
AiShA4ReAl: k??
PoopReport: funny
PoopReport: not really long enough to add to the site
PoopReport: but funny
AiShA4ReAl: ok
AiShA4ReAl: My brother and my sister were fighting a really big fight and my brother farted and my sister ran away sreaming and was plugging her nose
PoopReport: awesome
AiShA4ReAl: we were in a car driving and we smelled something my brother thought my dad did it so he looked at him and my dad thought my brother did it so he stared at him then they both turned back and started stairing at my sister then everybody started screaming and we were rolling down our windows and my dad wanted to pull over but all of a sudden we drove by a TAR factory
PoopReport: haha
AiShA4ReAl: can u add ALL of those stories to ONE pageE?
PoopReport: we'll see, maybe i can figure something out
AiShA4ReAl: k thnx
TO: Dave
FROM: Rlambersky
DATE: 6.6.02002
SUBJECT: funny website
==============================
I have a suggestion and I would like a by-line if you use it.
For breaking news you should put "This Just Out"
TO: Dave
FROM: Darwin
DATE: 6.6.02002
SUBJECT: poop resources
==============================
http://www.ratemypoo.com/
TO: Dave
FROM: Nina
DATE: 6.7.02002
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================
you put bog in fridge and freezer makes good science experiments at those diffrent states of solid, i know youve all ponderd throwing a frozen bog at someone well if you havent you at least have now
TO: Dave
FROM: Vicki
DATE: 6.8.02002
SUBJECT: poop in the office
==============================
My husband has a corporate gym where he works. He was recently training for a marathon and running on the corporate gym treadmill when he let a seemingly innocuous little toot.
When he headed to the showers and disrobed, he found that his toot had turned to loot. Poo mixed with sweat and the chemical reaction caused by the friction of 10 miles had created a gruesome fi-ASS-co.
Needless to say, he tossed the undies into the garbage can and probably refrained from future treadmill toots.
TO: Dave
FROM: P.p. P0O
DATE: 6.8.02002
SUBJECT: Poo Peter
==============================
tHis iS pOOpeTer
http://www.the-mass.org/poopeter
TO: Dave
FROM: Jennifer C.W.
DATE: 6.8.02002
SUBJECT: {no subject}
==============================
Have I got a revenge story for you. I found out my friend, Missy, was sleeping
with our friend, Sara's boyfriend. I walked in on them having sex in her bed
one day. Missy screamed at me to get out. So I told Sara what I saw. The next
day at Missy's birthday party, Sara walked into the bedroom where Missy was
fixing her hair and shuts the door. "Jen said she saw you having sex with my
boyfriend in my house on my bed! Is it true? Did you like it?" asked Sara.
"Yeah I enjoyed it until she walked in!" she says snotty pointing at me. Right
then Sara grabbed her by the hair and throws her to the ground.
They start
fighting, and then Sara gets on top and punches Missy in the stomach. Missy
clutches her stomach and begins to cry. "Not so hot are you now?" says Sara.
I point at Missy and we notice that she has peed all over herself. We both
start laughing. Then I couldn't believe what Sara did next as if making her
pee her pants wasn't bad enough. Sara pulls her pants down, squats over
Missy's face, farts on her pppfffftt. Then she starts popping a fat log out,
she pooped a fat warm gooey logs all over Missy's face, and then wiped her butt
on Missy's favorite shirt.
I almost lost my stomach. Sara got up and said
"You pooped on me and now I crapped all over you! Happy Birthday!" Then we
walked out. I never betrayed Sara afer I witnessed that.
What do you think good enough to put on the web page? Write back and tell me
what you think, Dave.
TO: Dave
FROM: Paul
DATE: 6.10.02002
SUBJECT: Re: Pooper Or Plastic: The Debate Over Proper Food Disposal
==============================
Editor's Note: This letter is in reference to this article.
Good analysis-- but what about flushing the remains of the burrito down the toilet, uneaten? The plumbing should be able to handle it. This would avoid the landfill and "close the loop" ecologically without making you overeat. The city dweller's alternative to composting?
TO: Dave
FROM: berry pickins
DATE: 6.11.02002
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
When I was in high school there was this kid that always would steal my
lunch.So one day I got an idea to cure him of this problem.So I ate a bar of
exlax then took a big old dump on a paper plate and took some bread and cheese
and made some sandwiches.I went to school the next day put it in my locker just
like always then went to class.Between classes I checked on my lunch lo and
behold it was gone.So I checked the places where these people went to eat the
booty they took.Sure enough there was the but hole that kept taking my lunch
having a snack on shit a sandwich.He got real sick over it and I got three days
in school suspension for the payback.But the kid never took another lunch from
a locker.
TO: Dave
FROM: Franky77
DATE: 6.12.2002
==============================
franky77: anyone there?
PoopReport: hello
franky77: i gotta take a dump. i'm in the office.
PoopReport: what's stopping you?
franky77: i ain't no shameless
PoopReport: are you asking me to talk you through it?
franky77: no, i'm just tired of this crap
PoopReport: you want to reform?
franky77: it's the same damb story every day 5 days a week
franky77: no, i just wish i could take care of biz in the morning before i come to the office
PoopReport: what are you afraid of in your bathroom at work?
franky77: everyone is gonna hear
franky77: there is no way around it
PoopReport: why?
PoopReport: how do they hear?
franky77: because it's gonna be loud
franky77: when i wanna take a dump i wanna take a dump, i'm sic of holding it in for people i don't even like
PoopReport: are the walls very thin or something?
PoopReport: or are you just incredible
franky77: the walls are thin and it's right off of the main area in the office
franky77: and its always quiet in the office
PoopReport: what do other people in the office do?
franky77: agghhhrrr , i gotta goooo...i don't know, can't hold it anymore.....i gonna run in shame back home to do it on my lunch breakkk agghhhh might not make it...argghhhhhhh
TO: Dave
FROM: Da Shit Master
DATE: 6.12.02002
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================
Drive-By farts are the best. Go to the grocery store or any store for
that matter. Find a young unsuspecting couple, make sure you have to fart(bad
stinky). Approach the young couple and let out a silent but deadly(this
recquires ass control). Walk away and make sure you keep your eyes on them. It
is awesome when she blaims it on the poor schmok.
TO: Dave
FROM: ukpooper
DATE: 6.12.02002
SUBJECT: poop in the office
==============================
Many years ago I worked in an office with 2 women - one a young girl who
was as dirty as they come, really coarse, the other about 58 and quite -well...
English. Imagine Angela Lansbury in sort of big tweedy numbers and pearls. Very
proper. One day the young girl came back to the office laughing hysterically,
with the older colleague nowhere to be seen. Then she tells me the whole story
- she went into the ladies toilet to hear great thunder-rolls of massive
farting, plenty of straining and un-ladylike turd splashes. She waited around
at the basins until after a few minutes the stall door opened and out came our
older colleague - unable to look her in the face, she almost ran from the room
biting her knuckles down to the elbow in her effort not to laugh. I could never
see that woman in the same 'butter wouldn't melt' kind of way after that.
TO: Dave
FROM: Tom Turdriffic
DATE: 6.14.02002
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
OK, so this isn't a ROTFL story, but it happened to me this morning and
I wanted to share it.
I went to the doctor's office today, and I really had to pee when I got there.
I went right to the bathroom. The door was closed, but I couldn't see any
light under the door, so I knocked first. A woman's voice answered, "Just a
minute."
I sat down and waited. About 10 minutes later, a 50-ish woman, dressed very
nicely, came out and headed immediately to the front desk and asked "Do you
have a plunger?"
I waited until I got home.
TO: Dave
FROM: CC
DATE: 6.14.02002
SUBJECT: hi
==============================
Hi,
I liked your website about poop. I thought I was the only one who had an
obssession with shit. Do you have it too?
You'd probably think I'm gross but, could you send me some pictures of
yourself on the toilet? Or at least of yourself? I'd like to know how you
look like (though I'd prefer to see you on the toilet).
See ya!
Cesar
TO: Dave
FROM: Ben H
DATE: 6.24.02002
SUBJECT: AYYY!
==============================
Pretty funny site! While I've had a few poop disasters, this one is
probably the most notable:
During my junior year of high school, I was fortunate enough to be able
to stay with a family in Mexico for a few weeks as part of a Spanish
exchange program. One day I had a horrible reaction to something I'd
eaten. Trying to be inconspicuous, I snuck into the bathroom in hopes of
passing whatever the problem was as quietly as possible. Just after I
eased myself down on the uncomfortable seatless toilet, I heard a group
of family members stop outside the bathroom for a little chat.
I desperately willed them away from the door, but they just wouldn't leave.
Finally I had to risk letting out some of the pent-up gas. The ensuing
blast sounded like a cross between a string of firecrackers and a
foghorn. When someone outside the door shouted "Ayyy!" I wanted to go
down the toilet myself. I eventually finished my business some minutes
later and, steeling myself, went out in the hall. There was the whole
group of 'em standing there with worried looks, asking if I was alright.
I've never been able to go in the presence of others since.
TO: Dave
FROM: Ty
DATE: 6.25.02002
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================
well i have heard stories about this in public restrooms before.. do you
think it is ok to masturbate in public restrooms?... b\c i have heard numerous
stories about this be4 and i was just wondering.
TO: Dave
FROM: Penelope
DATE: 6.25.02002
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
I was in a rush and I needed to have a BM. I went into the crowded
bathroom and finally got a stall. My poop wasnt coming fast enough and one was
half way out when i decided to just get up and hope the little turd goes back
in me. I was wrong. As i stood up it fell down to the floor. I grabbed a piece
of toilet paper and tried to clean it up. It didnt work has well as I thought i
twould. It left a big brown wet spot and smelled horrible. I walked away and
pretended that the stall was already smelly.
TO: Dave
FROM: mrph8
DATE: 6.26.2002
==============================
mrph8: hey i like shit
mrph8: wut should i do?
mrph8: i mean i love shit
mrph8: i want to help with operation poopy pants
mrph8: i will do nething
mrph8: put me to work
mrph8: we have spoken before
mrph8: on a different sn
PoopReport: hi
PoopReport: sorry
PoopReport: i was away
PoopReport: hows it going
PoopReport: what sn?
mrph8: Hiro 19
PoopReport: oh right
mrph8: i think
PoopReport: hows it going
mrph8: good
mrph8: ive been doing my own secretive independent opp
PoopReport: really?
PoopReport: tell me about it
mrph8: ya
mrph8: c u guys arent hardcore
mrph8: u use chocolate
mrph8: i use the real thing
mrph8: do u think its weird to shit ur pants when ur sleeping?
PoopReport: well, then it's just gross, instead of funny
mrph8: not that i do it, but i did it last nite
mrph8: and i havent taken a shower since and im wondering if thats wut smells
mrph8: u think its gross?
mrph8: then how can u run an entire site dedicated to shit>
mrph8: *?*
PoopReport: i run a site dedicated to shit humor
PoopReport: just because i think its funny doesn't mean i want to touch it
mrph8: seems the other people on ur site are the opposite
mrph8: i read the stories
PoopReport: no, just the vocal minority
mrph8: ya they suck
mrph8: they're not hardcore either
mrph8: well neway on with my story
mrph8: i (used to) go to a strict privaye school
mrph8: *private
mrph8: they shun all things like that
mrph8: they even refuse to teach sex ed
mrph8: had to teach myself
mrph8: but im getting off the point again
PoopReport: brb
PoopReport: keep talking, though
mrph8: k
mrph8: instead of having my normal breakfast i decided to have last nites leftovers: at least 6 bean borritos, and some old chesse form a long long time ago
mrph8: gave me the shits
mrph8: now
mrph8: everyone there has lockers
mrph8: even the nuns that work there
mrph8: they have theirs in the school office
mrph8: so
mrph8: apparently i have already told u about my stomach problems after eating such foods
mrph8: and actually at the time i wasnt even thinking about opp
mrph8: my teacher is a dick, so i had to wait until the end of class before i could make it to the bathroom
mrph8: i shit myself a little, but managed to get some of it into that wonderful fat man named john
mrph8: making noises of releif as it all came out
PoopReport: ok i'm back... keep going
mrph8: people heard this, and thought it was all a big joke
mrph8: which was frowned upon at that school
mrph8: so i was taken into the office
mrph8: i had to sit in there during my lunch hour
mrph8: all the nuns had left for their lunch, and miraculously, one had left her locker wide open
mrph8: i looked at it and knew that it was to good to pass up
mrph8: i deposited my soiled underwear in the locker and went without it for the rest of the day
mrph8: it felt good 2
mrph8: it was an old school that didnt have air conditioning
mrph8: and the luch hour had just begun
PoopReport: haha
PoopReport: pretty funny
mrph8: so it sat there for an hour, in that hot room with me
mrph8: gaining smell
mrph8: the nun came in and let me go, but couldnt figure out wut that smell was
mrph8: i just barely got a glimpse of here face while walking out
mrph8: it was priceless
PoopReport: that's pretty funny
TO: Dave
FROM: Jack Lemon
DATE: 6.26.02002
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================
Ok my uncle told me this story, he was running some kind of race or
marathon thing and he had to take a duece really bad so he went to the
port-o-pottys and they were occupied with huge lines so he went a little ways
down the road and hoped a feced thing into a parking lot and he took a duece
right in between 2 cars, so then he heard someone coming so he pulled up his
pants and ran crouched over, once he got behind a car just a little ways away
sure enough the persons car was one of the cars he dueced between, as the guy
came up to his car he stepped right into the poo! so my uncle trying as hard as
he can not to laugh hears the guy say "what the hell!? OH crap its shit!!" and
got in his car and slammed the door and drove off. so as the story ends my
uncle wiped his ass with some leaves and kept running.
TO: Dave
FROM: Neva
DATE: 6.27.02002
SUBJECT: girl/girl bathroom trip
==============================
Well, first of all, I would like to say...I love your site! It is sooo
great! To get to the point, I saw that you wanted to hear a girl/girl
bathroom trip story and have I got one for you! When I was about 5 years
old,(I am 15 now) I used to take baths with my sister who was about 4 years
old. We thought it would be just another fun-filled bathing experience
until I felt like I had to go poop. I was having too much fun making waves
and splashing around to get up and walk probably 8 feet to the toilet
sooo....I just let my turds go free in the bath tub!!!
As soon as my sister
and I saw those pieces of poop floating in the tub, we jumped out as quick
as we could and called to our nanny for assistance. She was mortified.
Cleaning turds out of the tub wasn't in her contract I guess but I sure as
hell wasnt going to stick my hnd into the poopy water. She ended up cleaning
it up and my sister and I still remember that bath like it was the only one
we took or something! HeHe...Well, thanks again for a great site! I hope
this was somewhat of an interest to you and all the poopreport fans!
TO: Dave
FROM: Sgt Sweat pants
DATE: 6.27.02002
SUBJECT: re: poop contest
==============================
Dave,
i am duely impressed by you to. I just figured out what the contest does.
Along with creating beuatiful poop art it expands the amount of people
exposed to the poop report by getting people who are finalists or maybe
just posted poems to tell their friends to log on and vote. once their in
their hooked. it is a stroke of genius a home baked word of mouth
campaign. Hats off Dave, you are a true poop mastermind.
peace and chicken grease
Sgt. sweat pants
TO: Dave
FROM: Kelly
DATE: 6.27.02002
SUBJECT: Mad Crapper
==============================
I read your article about Poop Nazis and felt compelled to agree with
you. Three times, at 2 different colleges in my illustrious academic
career as a student, the 'Mad Crapper' has attacked men's rooms on both
campuses. Knowing the janitors at both colleges, my heart bled for them,
for they were the ones stuck cleaning someone else's shit off the walls,
mirrors and stalls. One Mad Crapper even shit in the men's shower at a
dormitory.
-- http://www.hauntedfantasy.us
TO: Dave
FROM: Patpooperpants
DATE: 6.30.02002
SUBJECT: discussions
==============================
Ask people about their first and or biggest pants, panty, or pantyhose
pooping accident. It would especially be nice to hear from women, who have had
work accidents, or in a case I have heard about had accidents while bound and
gagged. A woman I know was tied up and gagged during a convient store robbery
and had an enormous accident in a pair of light blue spandex pants.
TO: Dave
FROM: Franky77
DATE: 6.30.2002
==============================
terrorNmayhem: poop suck
terrorNmayhem: s
PoopReport: oh?
terrorNmayhem: you suck
PoopReport: that's amazing
PoopReport: incredible
PoopReport: you don't poop
PoopReport: you are a superstar
terrorNmayhem: i do poop but it suck
PoopReport: then you should see a doctor
PoopReport: you have colon cancer
terrorNmayhem: you are fucking gay
PoopReport: OMG!!!! lol lol
terrorNmayhem: go to hell
PoopReport: OMSKG!!!!!!! ROMAFHL!!!!!
terrorNmayhem: what?
terrorNmayhem: fuck you
PoopReport: OMMAG! LAEMO!!!!!!!!
terrorNmayhem: what the fuck is that?
PoopReport: :wo)
terrorNmayhem: fuck off
terrorNmayhem: ur a fag
PoopReport: OMG!!!!!!!! lol
terrorNmayhem: shot the fuck up
terrorNmayhem: shut*
PoopReport: OMH!!!!!!!!
PoopReport: OMG*
terrorNmayhem: what the hell you laughing at bitch
PoopReport: ;Opa)
