The Colostomy Bag: Mail From Readers

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The Colostomy Bag: Mail From Readers

Posted 08.06.2001 by Dave (11657)

TO: Dave
FROM: Colin Bowell
DATE: 5.10.02001
==============================

Dave,

I thought you may find an appropriate use for this on "Poopreport."
wipey wipey

Matt from Turd World Nation sent this in:
TO: Dave
FROM: Matt
DATE: 7.26.02001
==============================
turdworld fan

TO: Dave
FROM: Royce McCadular
DATE: 7.13.02001
==============================

Hello, I have a website. It is www.members.tripod.com/bavarians. The Bavarians were first a band, once we got pretty good at that we tried video. Many people didn't like our videos because they don't get our humor. We also do alot of poop humor. The site is still basic and still under construction but it contains a little bio, a fake rules list for a faction we made up and some comics. Some of the comics don't make much sense and some are about poop. Its not that good yet but we are slowly making it better. I hope you add it to your list.

Royce McCadular (aka) smogmore of the Bavarian Creme Delites)

TO: Dave
FROM: Jame-jame
DATE: 5.2.02001
==============================

I was looking for the medical report on poop. Why it's brown.... could ya'll foward the report to me or tell me where the shit it's hidden?!?!?!

TO: Dave
FROM: Glenn
DATE: 7.26.02001
==============================

Hey poop guys,

Have had this question for a while now, I was wondering about the temperature of poop. Is it colder than 98.6 degrees or hotter? Does it depend on the type of poo? DOes it depend on how hydrated you are or what you ate? Just wondering... Can you guys give me some info or point me in the right direction? Any help with this is appreciated.
TO: Glenn
FROM: Dave
DATE: 7.27.02001
==============================

Hey poop guy,

I'm guessing that poop is 98.6, given that it's in your body and that's how warm it is in your body. That's probably why dog poop steams on snow... it's so much warmer than the surrounding air. (human poop steams on snow also, but i'm not going to say anything about that).

If you want a better response, try asking here:

www.straightdope.com
www.howthingswork.com
www.heptune.com/poop.html

Later,

Dave
PoopReport.com

PoopReport has a section called Being Mean With Poop. Usually the ideas contributed are as clever and funny as they are mean. However, sometimes they're just plain mean:
TO: Dave
FROM: Sean
DATE: 7.28.02001
==============================

I know that a lot of little children like pokemon cards. I also know that there are pokemon "leagues" at Toys R Us stores.

A good idea would to steal the kids pokemon card binder when the kid walks away (they always get distracted and leave their cards unattended for minutes at a time). Take it to the bathroom and jam your poop up in the pockets of the binder and return it to where the kid will notice it. He will most definetly cry and never want to go near that binder again!

TO: Dave
FROM: Alex
DATE: 5.5.02001
==============================

Melt a Hersey bar in your hand, then, in a public restroom, put your hand under the stall and ask the guy next to you for some toilet paper!

TO: Dave
FROM: Johnney
DATE: 4.17.02001
==============================

Dave,

This is not a poop story per se, but something disturbing that I have noticed in several bathrooms here at work. I must point out that I do not work in a gas station with a public shitter (where I would not be surprised by this), but in a "professional" environment.

Invariably, above only one urinal in a bathroom, boogers have begun to accumulate. I don't mean a couple of small, dried flakes. I'm talking about wads of dried snot and portions of grey matter. It's bad enough to have to stare at a hideously colored wall whilst I piss, but to have that wall plastered with boogers? Ugh. Have others seen things like this at work? I would love to laugh at someone else's misery just as they would laugh at mine!

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Matt (75) -- 08.06.2001

it happens at my work too... why do people feel it necessary to launch that shit on the wall? (they're much more fun to pick anyway)

Eric (38) -- 08.08.2001

Yes! It follows me. There was a nose goblin urinal at at LEAST 3 of my jobs! One place, we moved to a brand new building, the place wasn't even finished yet. And within a month, I started to notice the accumulation of nose feces.
That's right up there with the dudes who accidentally shit on their fingers and wipe on the stall wall instead of TP. You'd think a bunch of well paid smart clean looking dudes would be a bit more classy. While we're on the subject of bathroom habits, what's up with men's room stall pissing. The stuff gets everywhere. Do guys stand there, start pissing, and then shake violently to imitate a lawn sprinkler? WTF?

Cautious squatter (not verified) -- 12.14.2001

there was shit smeared on the wall in the only stall in the girl's washroom at the Billy Goat tavern for a month, maybe more. It slowly disappeared too instead of all at once, so people must have been rubbing against it.

zack (not verified) -- 06.26.2003

i was traveling to florida once i stopped at a travel center for gas. i went to take a piss and all oof a sudden i start looking at the wall and there was boogers everywhere gross

ITLife (not verified) -- 07.28.2004

One time a senior VP was out on vacation and we took the opportunity to upgrade his computer. When i crawled under his desk i noticed 5,000+ bloody boogers stuck to the bottom. It was all I could do to make it to the executive washroom and puke up my lunch. I wouldn't go back under there cuz i was worried some of the boogers would fall on me. Janitorial wouldn't touch the shit either. It is a mohagony desk so we couldn't chuck it. We found a company that cleans up rooms after people die or get murdered in them, and they agreed to come clean the shit up. We had to pay them on a PO and make it look like it was for outside consulting for our e-mail system. What's more his secretary speculates that he spends time naked in his office after she found skid marks on his chair. She had the chair replaced with a leather one and the skiddies stopped appearing. Of course it could been one of his girlfriends who's the skiddie/booger queen, but I can't imagine any of thus high maintenance chicks leavin skiddies. Well I can imagine it, but it ruins much more tantalizing mental images I have of them being naked, so I refuse.

ITlife (not verified) -- 07.28.2004

another time, me and this same VP and a few other people were flying to Maui on our corp jet, (I was along only to do some re-wiring at the presidents house the next day.)
everyone was drinkin some MaiTais, but I'm just IT so I was up in the cockpit with the pilot beggin him to let me fly for awhile (I play flight simulators all the time!) There is a lull in the conversation from the cabin and the VP lets off a juicy monster fart. It was so loud I heard it all the way up in the cockpit. I looked back into the cabin and he was walkin back to the bathroom with his overnight bag, doing the "i just shit myself" walk of shame. He was in the john for awhile, and his girlfriend looked all embarrassed and the finance VP was all tripped out, and he turned off all the music and had his personal assistant clean up all the drinks and stuff. They turned out the lights and pretended like everyone was sleeping. I looked back there like 15 min later and they were all pretending to be asleep, the VP included. I couldn't help myself so a made a loud farting noise with my mouth. I laughed so hard that I was crying and the pilot told me to knock it off or he'd probably crash.

When we landed I noticed the VP was wearing his swim trunks and his girlfriend was holding his overnight bag. She quickly shoved the whole bag in the nearest trashcan while the VP stood by the car waiting. I offered the driver of his car $100.00 if he would make some off the wall comment about the VP shitting himself. We're a pretty laid back company and most of the people we hire to do stuff know this. He was like "ok sure" so I gave him a c-note and when the VP gets in the car he goes "Hey nice shorts," and the VP was all like "yeah I couldn't wait to put them on" and the driver goes "yeah probably after you shit your other pants huh?" and since I was riding in the front the VP couldn't see me laughing my ass off. The driver put up the partition after the VP started saying something rude about his mother.

Finally when we got to the hotel the VP and his chick headed straight for the bar. I scouted out their waitress and offered her a c-note to tell the VP that the bartender mixed his drink so strong it would make him shit his pants. After some cajoling she agreed (but somehow forgot about my offer to giver her 100 bux, so i got off fer free!) and so she walks over to him with the drinks and I couldn't hear what was said but the VP looked all pissed and grabbed his chick and left.

When we got back I told the whole thing to the head of HR and she sent him an e-mail asking why everyone has such a Shitty time in Maui.