The Do-It-Yourself Poop Story

// // 51 Comments
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After nearly six months as an active PoopReporter, I can truthfully say that the most prevalent and popular type of poop tale is the "explosive diarrhea under compromising circumstances" -- the ol' whew and phew! It's almost as if some folks take perverse pleasure in partaking in The Diet From Hell and then making sure they are also way the hell out of pocket when it comes time to pay the pooper...er, piper.

But, hey, who am I to argue with popular tastes? If this is what the people want, then so be it. So I've decided to contribute to the cause by creating a do-it-yourself multiple choice writer's kit. Now anyone can conjure up one of these frantic, nasty, merde-filled moments and live the glory that is a juicy PoopReport.


Me and my buddy pulled an all-nighter yesterday after we got off work at the (office / factory / Wal-Mart). Man, first we went to a (sleazy singles' bar / sleazy gentlemen's club / sleazy frat house) and drank (five six-packs of lite beer / five gallons of Thunderbird / five punchbowls of rotgut grain). Then, we really needed some snarfables since it had been (24 hours / three days / one week) since we'd eaten anything. We staggered into a (7-11 / Circle K / Texaco) and bought (five bags of mesquite BBQ pork rinds / three packs of jalapeno pepper peanuts / four bags of chipotle and sour cream potato chips / eight cans of teriyaki Vienna sausages / six aerosol spray cans of Bleu Cheese Whiz / a dozen hickory-smoked/extra chewy pull-out-your-caps Slim Jims / three pints of rum raisin Ben & Jerry's).

We ate all that in the (front seat of the car / on a park bench covered in pigeon poop / on the curb of the sidewalk) and even had a race with a stopwatch to see which one of us could finish first without breathing or even closing our mouths. I beat him by three seconds, and then we both (belched like sumbitches / did those grievous vomit burps / mostly just did fake gags and stuck our fingers down our throats for fun). But we held it all down and laughed our asses off because that is what we do best when we are not asleep or comatose.

So, speaking of sleep, we managed to crawl back to (my place / my buddy's place / I have no idea) and get a coupla hours by (passing out / passing out / passing out). When we woke up, we both felt a major league case of (The Gruesome Gurglies / The Shuffle / Hustle And Trots / The Splatters' Greatest Hits / Who's That Knocking At My Backdoor) coming on fast like (The Indy 500 / a cattle drive in a B-movie Western / Cher cruising a high school prom / Charo on Jay Leno). We needed to find a toilet to avoid total meltdown.

But for whatever reason, there were no facilities for us to use! And all that crap we had eaten and drunk was screaming at us at the top of its lungs and bangin' on our bungholes with (a pair of massive drumsticks / boxer's gloves / the relentless persistence of death incarnate). So, we had no choice other than to drop trou right there (in the bathtub / behind the 7-11 / in the elementary school playground).

My friend shot a stream of (Dijon mustard-colored marinade / burnt orange bundt-cake batter / quick-fix Brownie mix with peanuts) out of his ass that must have traveled (ten feet / twenty yards / thirty miles) through the air and landed in (the next county / the Kennedy Space Center / the People's Republic of China).

As for me, I painted the landscape using a palette of (warm, runny watercolors / hot, vivid, greasy oils / awesomely awful anal acrylics). I mean, my crap was all over the place before I was through. It was (on the highest branches of trees / hanging in the air like the essence of a once-fine wine turned to vinegar / collecting on my Mom's new carpet) -- and even in my hair! Seeing this, my buddy (laughed / vomited / laughed and vomited).

Finally, my buddy and I were finished with our (jet propulsion experiments / pressure hose playtime / O-ring orchestrations) and ready to resume our normal lives again. We have every intention of repeating this performance tonight. Hell, this time, we may even get arrested and (abuse a holding cell toilet or two / spontaneously ass-combust during our arraignment / make the PoopReport news wire)!

-- (John Asscroft / George W. Tush / Colon Bowell / Donald Bumsfilled)

51 Comments on "The Do-It-Yourself Poop Story"

Justa Girl's picture
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Doniker, dude? I adore you... your honesty, your stories, your wife's stories (as told by you) but hon? You SO have to lighten up. A fill in the blank poop story is damn funny. Admit it. You wish you'd thought of it yourself. Add some fibre to your diet and a sense of humour to your reading... you'll live longer! SMOOOOOOOOOOCH!

Tom Turdriffic's picture
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This is hilarious!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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I don't know...I take pride in what I have written for PoopReport and this piece is insulting to me and should be to the others that have worked hard to write great stories.

Sure, alot of stories have a common thread but those occurances really happened (at least in my stories).

By you saying that any sap can fill in the blanks and write a great story is degrading.

Just because you don't have any new stories to write and/or have too much time on your hands don't waste time making crap like this up.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Yo, doniker! I take pride in everything I write for PR, too! We need to laugh at some of the 'shit' we get ourselves into and not take ourselves so seriously. Come on, man. Lighten up and fill in the blanks!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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whatever

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ points
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Doniker makes me laugh. He's so critical. I think we should rename him "Inspector 12".

I think TBW's idea of a "Mad Libs" kinda poop report is kinda funny. Dave must of thought so or he wouldn't have posted it! Why is Doniker so upset with it? I mean, this site is (to me) to entertain, inform and have fun. We're not turning in school book reports! I think sometimes people take themselves a little too serious here. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POOP!!

I'm not ripping on Doniker. I've seen other replies like his. I just don't get how people react to certain things here on PR. I think the comments are funnier than the stories sometimes!

And kudos to TBW for taking a shot to the jaw and turning the other cheek. You could have retaliated in the same tone used by Doniker, but instead took the high road. I think that's commendable and deserves some respect (even from the almighty Doniker).

I usually only leave comments when I strongly feel a certain way about something. I felt this needed to be said...no offense D.

-AP

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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Whoa Doniker. Let's all just settle down now. This was a piece that needed to be written. There are a few prolific writers to this site and have added great works of prose. I believe, and I hope I'm not speaking out of line, that many of the contributions have been written by "hit and run" site pests. This article would be aptly applied to those folks.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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No offense taken AssPhelm. you said "You could have retaliated in the same tone used by Doniker". what tone? I, like you, was giving my opinion.

And Jeff, you said "many of the contributions have been written by "hit and run" site pests." There are many great "one hit wonder" poop stories.

I guess my main problem is I like reading "real" tales of bizarre pooping experiences. This piece promotes the making up of false stories. I have never really ever been a big fan of any type of fiction. I would rather watch a documentary than a sci-fi movie.

Sorry, that's just me.

Poop Lover's picture
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Hey there goes that prick Doniker bitching again. The fact is Doniker that the truth hurts. You read TBW's article and it immediately struck you how much it applied to the fictional stories that you post here. TBW's satire is very timely and appropriate. Folks might enjoy these diarrhea stories, but they're all the same. They're mostly fabricated or at least exaggerated and you can anticipate every detail after reading the heading. The only thing funny about these stories is the subheading that Dave provides for each story. It's time that stories of a different type start appearing here, but then they won't suit Doniker's taste. Hey Doniker get over yourself and your pride in your shitty stories and get a life!

Big Dumper's picture
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Yeah, the only time Doniker shits himself is when his boss catches him surfing porn sites at work. Let's have a story about that next time, Doniker. Fact will be an improvement on your usual fiction!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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You may not enjoy my contributions to PoopReport, that does not bother me, but I assure you that my stories are all 100% fact.

I guess I can't prove it, but I have always took pride in honesty and telling it like it is, you all show know THAT by now!

Wufchuffer's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Thank you for making me laugh my ass off. This reminds me of the old school "mad libs" we used to do as kids-- EXACTLY the same thing the big wiper has so graciously provided us with. Poop-libs, poop on!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Yo, AP! I can't wait to get my new T O T tee-shirt and wear it around town, causing comment, no doubt. Good to hear from you again, pal!

Hey, wufchuffer, I'd forgotten all about 'Mad Libs.' They were lots of fun when they were all the rage. Maybe I was subconsciously using that format when I submitted the idea to Dave. Anyhoo, I just thought everyone would have a little fun with this and maybe get into making up some Poop-libs of their own. Peace, brothers and sisters on the pot!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Elizabeth's picture
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LOL!!!!!!!!!! *gasp* LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crappercritic's picture
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i wish this post would have gone down the drain when they clicked on "down the drain". the person that posted this thinks that just because his grandmother used to smear tiny flecks of caca on his face that he can write funny stuff. i bet he thought this post was going to be very great and make everyones day. well, frankly, it makes me want to call your granny and tell her to cram three thanksgiving feasts in her fat stomach and get ready.... it may not be november, but this post is full of shit.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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Well, at least crappercritic didn't accuse this post of being fake....

Mad Shittah's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Man I could of used this when I penned my masterpiece o' crap!

Tom Turdriffic's picture
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I say good job, TBW. I was getting tired of all the same-sounding stories. Thanks for putting some effort into this and making me laugh - what's better than that?

shitfan's picture
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haven't laughed that hard in a long time- absolutely brilliant!

Bi Wiper's granny's picture
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Hey crappercritic, quit talking shit about me and my grandson! He'll be visiting me next weekend and the whole family is planning to take a massive dump together in his honor. That's about 25 of us hillbillies - can you just imagine the smell? Remember son, the family that shits together stays together. Granny

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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Justa Girl....oh baby. love you too.

honey_monster's picture
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ha ha. That is a brilliant post.

Although it has obviously riled a few feathers with some people. But it does remind me of a true story that happened to me and my friend.

Me and my buddy pulled an all-nighter yesterday after we got off work at the Wal-Mart. Man, first we went to a sleazy singles' bar and drank five six-packs of lite beer,five gallons of Thunderbird and five punchbowls of rotgut grain. Then, we really needed some snarfables since it had been one week since we'd eaten anything. We staggered into a Circle K and bought five bags of mesquite BBQ pork rinds, three packs of jalapeno pepper peanuts, four bags of chipotle

etc etc etc ;o)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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By George, I think he's got it! Yo, HM, I saw where you officially registered for PR today! Welcome aboard. Your recent story was great, and I look forward to many more. Peace and Plop!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Scat Woman's picture
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Brilliant, TBW, thank you!

TBW's granny....loved YOUR post almost as much as TBWs story

Ashley's picture
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hello my fellow poop goers

poopita's picture
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silly!

Rob's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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The things you accidently find on the internet. :0)

Chocs way hay!

Poop Pirate's picture
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Well, I've seen quite a few people post comments on how the above article compared to 'mad-libs.' This is not so, in actuality. Mad-Libs were stories where certain words were left out, and then under the blank underlined section for the word, it was shown what kind of word should be used, i.e. verb, noun, place of employment, etc.

I'd like to see the above story updated to look more like an old-school mad lib, but there may be consequences.

ex: I took a _______ (poop description) on my sister's _________. (noun)

Anonymous Coward's picture
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"six aerosol spray cans of Bleu Cheese Whiz"

I can read just about anything on this site and eat a sandwich at the same time, but that made me gag.

Seymour Laby's picture
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I enjoy the foul stench of nasty ass feces.
Call me Dung Foul.

takua's picture
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helo, i found a super-human size turd in MY toilet!!(better chronicle it, and inscript the size and detels on the wall of history)

vakama's picture
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TAKUA!!!! (takua is the chronicler)anyway, when i tried to put on my dentures i saw a 2-inch turd in my water glass,

herman's picture
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well,
i thought that i would make it to the toilet on time but folks was i ever wrong. Boy i was sitting at my nanay and grandpas house for a christmas dinner when i was rudley awakened from the sound of my gurgling stomach. It felt like it was twisting and turning inside. Then i new that i would have to make a run for it like i did when i made a touch down at my last football game to end the season. Suddenly i felt my butex muscel tightening and then i new it was time. I opened the door with a gust of wind and then shut it quickley because i knew that it was going to be deadly.I was sitting down thinking that it would rush out of my body but i pea from supper was holding it back.I knew that it was going to be tough. I was in their fro nearly 5 minutes now trying to squiz it out then i heard a nock at the door. It was my aunt lucy asking what all of the grunting was all about soon she heard a rush of poop fly out of my body like a volcano releasing its deadly gush of magma.Soon it was all over and i knew that it was time to floosh m greatest poop down the drain.
by:kyle shelby and herman

Carlos Torres's picture
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I went to a walmart this is true. A mexican Guy had the Runs i asked man wht did you eat No answewer. So he flash's the toile twice so no one int he rest room can her ethe bad Diarrhea he had. I mad e Joke man to much chckecn and Rice oyu are man. He was not happy. I lke the latino People they eat benas rice when it comes out it comes out like he runs never before.
Poop is poop i guess unless you are sick and eat somethgin bad.

frozen_angel's picture
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can you be my duhlin'? yikes!! just regret to blubber without charging my cerebral instinct, again!

Alex's picture
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You know what guys? I love to pee All over the entire bathroom;and leave turds in the tub and sink!!!!!!!!!!!No one can stop MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous visitor's picture
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not even gonna comment...

(Moderator note: knock it off, hoser.)

Lil Pooper's picture
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I don't think that this was meant to be taken seriously. It was just supposed to make some people laugh. Personally I think it's hilarious.
-Kylie

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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It's hard to believe I came on this site so long ago. This was the first thing I ever read on Poop Report and I was hooked.

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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And it is every bit as funny now as it was then, TBW! It works on several levels, including as a gentle satire of what you aptly describe as "the ol' whew and phew" formula. You are a gifted writer, as is doniker. However, as to doniker's grumblings about the taint of fiction in PR stories, please read his own post, "Little Dog, Tremendous Log", and the comments thereto. Even The Great Doniker is not above a wee bit of POOetic license!

As to the format of this story, our main page readers may be interested in knowing that we are currently experimenting with another sort of "Doo-It-Yourself" story on the forums. "Gypsy Rose Volcano" is the ongoing melodrama of a certain famous PoopReporter (I won't give away her name here), who leaves her family to seek fame and fortune, ah, away from polite society. Everybody is encouraged to add a chapter, or even just a couple of sentences, and some of the resultant plot twists have been hilarious!

As to "Mad Libs," there have also been several of those on the forums, but AB2K really did retire that trophy with her "Mad Libs V" last month. I still can't go back and read that one without having to change me undies!

Always a joy to see all this creativity put to such entertaining uses!

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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TSV: I'm flattered that you stuck with PR because of the Do-It-Yourself story. I basically got the idea from my days as editor of my college humor magazine where we flew by the seat of our pants all the time.

I now realize what good training that was for a cybercareer on PR!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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A cyber carrer eh, and how does one get one of those.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I for one do not really care is a story is true or not. The fake stores are quite obvious. This story was not supposed to be real... just satire or whatever. Funny as hell too!! Some of TBW's stories have made me laugh my ass off on repeated occcasions. keep em coming TBW!!


_______
Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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As long as they are good, wheter or not they are fake, i dont care.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

gabe turnman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i love this u should do more of them

gabe

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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I managed to read through that hilarious bit and keep my composure until I got to "O-ring orchestrations." For some reason, that made me lose it. Thanks for digging that up, TSV! And a few years too late, but... Good one TBW!!!

ihavedihreea's picture
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this is so flipping funny its unbelivible!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I'm not going to change your sheets again, Mr Hastings

John Poo-Shack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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This looks like a feature I've seen in MAD Magazine... the "all-inclusive do-it-yourself news article/country & western song/pretentious cooking magazine recipe" type of thing. But I think most of us are more creative and only would use snippets of this in our PoopReports.

Andy Sedgwick's picture
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Funny how the article was written using an article spinner and how the "author" posted the story in an obvious fashion. Maybe he was trying to lure the readers' attention (which he obviously succeeded).

Dr. Hamfrey Portland's picture
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Oh, god. I am laughing my arse again, second time in a row! How come I stumbled upon this site only now?! Great stories, and more power to you guys!