Martha Stewart's Leavings: Save Time And Money With Poop

m 1+ points - Newb

Being a housewife is not an easy job. Think of your mother -- she always had the
answer to those domestic problems. There were easy ones, like "soda water will
take out red wine stains from practically anything." Or, "a box of the cheapest
cereal from your grocers-aisle can double the mass of any meat loaf."

Just looking at your lazy eye, I can tell you're ready -- but there
are a few other things to mention. You're also alone, single, with no husband and
two kids. Being responsible for all the decisions of the household
means your money needs to be wisely spent... unless you want to get a second job,
which will detach you from your children, who are accustomed to that strong,
stay-at-home mom.

You think of your children -- who could never make it without
you -- and decide that the two tricks a day you turn (while your kids are at school)
can provide enough money to raise your loving family... you'll just have to cut back in
other areas.

That's when you realize that right below your nose (about three feet below, actually) is one of the greatest time- and money-saving products you can find.

  • Poop is your friend.

    Don't spend $3.49 on an egg of Play-Dough. Poop, when added to powdered gelatin, can be molded or pressed into your kids' favorite cartoon character.

  • Tired of those expensive facial masks?

    Well, the first time you do this, you may feel ill, but after seeing the results, you'll tell Princess Bourgeoisie to eat shit.

  • Do you get unwanted house guest stopping by all the time?

    You'll soon learn poop, molded into a pâté log and served on a cracker, will keep those pesky neighbors away.

  • At first, making jewelry from poop can result in
    clunky-looking earrings or loose-fitting necklaces.

    Don't worry, this project will only get better with time. Soon you'll be placing your favorite gem into your stately crafted setting.

  • You can expect spending a lot of money during the holidays.

    Don't burden yourself by picking up last minute decorations. Poop is the perfect alternative to making tree ornaments or festive napkin holders.

  • Keep an eye on your family's eating habits.

    Try to plan around the holidays to make this family time special. If it's Halloween, try to feed the kids corn -- and why not get some good use out of that fruit cake come Easter?

  • No need to waste money on a baby-sitter.

    Poop will keep your kids' attention for hours. Whether its Poop Tag or Ring Around The Poop Pile, it'll be hard to keep the kids away from poop.

  • Congratulations! You're clear on your way to becoming the ideal housewife. You're
    doing well and I can already tell you're thinking up other ways to incorporate poop
    into your life. It's true -- we've only scraped the surface. There are many other
    uses for poop, such as shoe polish, door stops, paper weights, ear plugs, wood
    filler... and the list goes on. Martha Stewart said you could even fertilize your
    plants with poop, but that sounds a little far-fetched to me.

    -- Bblinn

    31 Comments on "Martha Stewart's Leavings: Save Time And Money With Poop"

    Tydirium's picture
    k 500+ points

    Halloween costumes cost too much? Strategically sculpted poop can give your kids an Abe Lincoln hat and beard, or a nice Chaplin mustache, or nice Princess Leia-style curled braids.

    boelkstoff's picture

    This article is terrible. I've been a big fan of since I found it a few months ago, but this is just worthless.

    Jen's picture

    I have to agree with boelkstoff... this article was horrible. Down the drain is right.

    Poopaloop's picture

    Awwww, i thought it was funny. Maybe you guys sould get more of those news articles you're looking for from your local papers

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points

    When I first read this in the PoopReport Forums a while back, I also didn't think much of it and I assumed another fly-by-night forum wacko cut and pasted this from another site.

    All in all it is quite humorous..

    the squatter's picture

    I would have to say that Jen and boelkstoff seem to have diareah of the mouth themselves if they fail to see the humor in this bran-gripping good parody

    another sherwoodian's picture

    I have to agree with "the squatter". Here here!

    matt10miami's picture

    I think this was the funnyiest thing I have read, it has enspired me to run to cape cod and become a full time poop reporter. Thank you, I have finaly found my calling

    Kelli's picture

    Another hillarious output from Bblinn. Never failing to amaze me!!!

    poopolicious's picture

    It's so hard to choose a shampoo these days. There's an

    entire row of watered down options at the grocery store. I was so relieved to find that grainy poop really scrubs my hair clean.

    Nate Chojnacki's picture

    I would have to say that this was a very sofisticated article and whoever does not find the humor in it can get on their knees and lick the author's balls. Or mine if your a GWM looking for some hot romance.

    ButtMaster's picture

    You don't have to parody Martha, truth is stranger than fiction. Once, right after showering off after some hot anal sex that got messy, we came out and saw on the TV, Martha showing how to make Manure Tea for your plants.

    queerhater's picture

    ButtMaster& Nate, GET A LIFE YOU FUDGE-PACKERS !!!!!

    AND GET A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Squritypoo's picture

    YOU HAVE INSPERED ME!!! Now instead of buy an expensive hitler mustache to go with the rest of my costume(I Think hitler is gay, but not me), I just shove my hand up my ass and wipe my upper lip, and!!!!! blamo!!!!! a hitler mustache!

    Turd Lurtle's picture



    Poop Pimp's picture

    I like to eat poop too!!! We should be friends - Turd Lurtle!!!

    slim jim junkie's picture


    pantsaroundmyankles's picture

    Isn't food the most expensive thing in most households? Wouldn't it be wiser to invest your poo in that area, rather than crafts and projects? Recycle! Feed it back to your kids!

    like i'd tell it...'s picture

    All you guys are full of shit. Er... Poop. Whatever.

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Martha Stewart is a total piece of shit. We all knew that.

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    poppy's picture

    face pack works ........reallly

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    I remember when I still lived in Oregon that the K-Mart plastered a huge picture of Martha Stewart on the floor. They had to remove it because people kept spitting on it and smashing their Icees and pizza slices into it.

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    Hairy Ass Truman's picture

    Silly Puddy comes in an egg, not play-dough. Play-dough is stupid and dries out, Silly Puddy is from outer space and the next coolest thing to poop. Next time you add gelatin to your poop for a cheap and fun toy for the kids I recommend adding a little confectionary sugar as well. The kids will love the taste.

    Martha poopert's picture

    Redecorating? Cant find that right color for the walls? Why dont you try using poop! Just smear a little poo on the walls, and presto you have a cheap, but festive wall! Also smear a little poo on the carpet for the natural odor that cant be beat!

    The Dumpster's picture
    i 2000+ points

    Totally unremarked in all this time is the line about turning two tricks a day for a living. How much do you charge, and where does your business come from?

    Fart Poopie's picture
    j 1000+ points

    Isn't it bad form for a lawyer to solicit a prostitute? Oh well, your secret is safe with us... and the rest of the internet. *wink*

    I can't believe no one mentioned Mr. Poo-tato head! Why buy that plastic, potato shaped toy with predetermined arm/eye/mouth areas when you can use a turd and put the accesories anywhere you want them?

    The Dumpster's picture
    i 2000+ points

    FP, my interest in this is strictly clinical. I'm afraid if I had sex with somebody who turns two tricks a day, five days a week, I would catch the epizudic, or something worse.

    Besides, as you age, you will find that the Search for the Really Good Climax is Replaced by the Search for the Really Good Ca-Ca.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    I found a lot of great tips on this site! Now I know exactly what to to do with all of the extra crap around the house....YAY! Can't wait to try the mask!

    ChiliKahKah's picture
    j 1000+ points

    Why not just poop for your brains ?

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    haaaaaaahahaha. I thought this shit was real for like 2 minutes. Awesome. Love it.

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    You mean it's not?

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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